spieles

p. 1 The lanky man snapped his head back swiftly snapping one's head back" is by definition a swift motion - so you don't need the redundant adverb (...) and blinked his tired brown eyes; he had nearly slipped off his stool that time. I don't like the semi-colon here. It's not that I think they have no place in fiction, but I found it very distracting in a first line. He sighed deeply and glanced around him. The glossy black jade walls of the spherical chamber were smooth and unadorned, as they were yesterday and the day before. I wouldn't normally nit at these things except it's your first paragraph! You have three very similar noun+ action verb sentence constructions in a row. Something to consider for flow purposes: "Sighing deeply, he glanced at he glossy black jade walls of the spherical chamber. Smooth and unadorned, they were the same as they were yesterday and the day before. "She wore a cloak made from the soft, fine fur of a small mammal," Can you specify the animal? I like those world building details. Even if the mammal is made up. p. 2 I quickly grew fatigued by the question of WHAT THE PROCHITSA SAID. It's already abusing point of view not to tell us - but sometimes I think that's okay if we find out quickly - but I feel like the pacing is off - it takes too long in this instance - I immediately started skimming for the answer. p. 3 When the queen says, "Kill them all." At first I thought that was the Prochitsa's message. I did like the final ending line a lot - but I felt that for the pacing to really work, you should cut the final paragraphs down a bit to absolutely essential details so that the final line had max impact. Otherwise, I'm freaking intrigued. What else did the Prochista say that caused the queen to take such drastic action? High stakes ftw!

Hrm. Lots of good ideas. A real sense of adventure and liveliness. So my biggest problem so far is that I had a hard time liking Jakob. His character feels inconsistent to me. If he's going to freak out over the village, there should be a negative reaction from Reil, e.g. "Are you still in diapers? Find Ellora, you idiot." Alternatively, he should not freak out but feel a growing sense of horror and disgust with the empire. Sometime I think you hit the nail on the head, though. I liked the part where Ellora talks about how the rest of the town were jerks to her, and she can't bring herself to care - and how that makes her need Doc even more. That felt very real and really increased the stakes for finding doc. Right now though, the tone of the story is veering campy - which makes it hard to take the story seriously and therefore for the reader to get swept up in the tension - but I want to be! p. 1 - “Hey, El.” Jakob and Ellora were approaching the final bend approaching the town, when Jakob spoke up. So, you use approaching twice. I'd change the first to "approached" (always easier/clearer for the reader to use the simpler verb tense) and then the second to "nearby" or something of the like. p. 2 "That was … somewhat ingenious" Was it? The part about "Yours is glowy, and it cuts stuff in half, and –“ seemed a bit obvious. - "sense of a frown from her." Not sure what a "sense of a frown" is. Do her brows gather? Does her mouth tighten? I think you could be more specific with this. p. 3 The guessing right now is a little tedious - and less enjoyable - but I'm wondering how much of that has to do with not having read the previous chapters. p. 4 “WHAT?” Jakob asked, shocked. I don't think you need any dialogue tag here. The WHAT? is a good, obvious bam. Though, I think you might want to cut down the questions of is the town burning or no could be shortened. It's a little awkward for him to have Ellora run off (how fast is her steampunk armor? I'd like a sense of it here in this emergency situation) - then have him have the conversation with Reil - then have Ellora scream. You might want to start with Reil noting that an exothermic reaction is taking place nearby and then have the subsequent reactions. p. 5 "A colossal blaze had taken control of the southwest side of the town, spreading outward steadily. Flames crackled as they devoured the buildings. Bloodstains decorated the walls, and near the north where Jakob was, a heap of bodies lay fallen bearing the symbol of the town’s watch. They all bore obvious wounds. The town had been attacked in their absence." The description is good, but it feels very remote and impersonal. As a reader, I'd prefer for him to look at one body perhaps, identify with it (so that I can) and then generalize that feeling with the town. p. "“I ….” Jakob stammered. “Ellora! She’s in their alone! She’s in danger!” My hate of exclamation points is rising here. They make me think that Jakob is not in control but simply hysterical. The campiness of it makes it harder to identify with the character. Unless you're directly addressing his cowardice and inexperience as a major flaw - but I didn't get that gist? p. 6 Reil spun around, taking in the scene. To the right a building on fire. The left, a house with its door ajar, a pool of blood upon its doorstep. No, I cannot … Jakob, death has no hold upon my kind. We can understand it with words, yes. But, we cannot comprehend it, like your kind can. Humans know death, so they know the pain, the lost that comes with it. Angels, she paused. Angels are not us. Angels are higher beings who help humanity when they need it. We are shadows named after your legends, and we are pathetic echoes of them. I am sorry she repeated Hrm. I'm still getting the same remoteness from her that I already got from his perspective, just more intellectualized. Ellora has the doc to care about - but can you find a character or a connection to make this travesty deeply personal for Jakob (and therefore the reader). p. 6 "Jakob wiped away his tears." I don't mind characters (especially men) crying in stories but it has to be for a really good reason. Right now its' just a dead town full of people he doesn't know - so it isn't working for me. I'd expect him to feel horror and disbelief but I'm not sure this level of sadness is realistic. “You don’t understand, Reil.” Jakob said. “True, all humans die someday, But even that is mourned as well. To lose an entire town, before their time to live was up?” He paused, gathering dust in his palm. A wind whistled around him. “Unthinkable, except with great sorrow.” This speech felt cliche and preachy. It needs to be deeply personal to work. I might cut all of this and go straight to the part where Ellora finds the doc. p. 7 "only death awaited her." Cliche. Your next line is better, more horrifying and specific. - “Oh hey, Yvonne!” Ellora laughed. “I thought everyone here was gone! But you’re still here! Can you tell me what happened?” The corpse did not respond. Ah! What the monkeys! We need way more interiority here. If she's having a mental breakdown - we need to be guided through that. So Ellora needs to stare at the hole in her eye - she needs to realize that if Yvonne is dead - then the doc might be... - except she can't handle that thought - her breathing goes nuts - her visions swims - she looks at Yvonne again and she thinks she sees her chest moving - she rushes to give medical aid (the reader isn't sure if Yvonne is dead or alive) - and then we slowly realize that Ellora is losing her mental stuffing.... p. 8 - Jakob is going to see Ellora and his first question should be about Doc, yeah? p. 9 - Jakob glanced outside the window. The buildings next to them weren’t on fire. Yet. Reil, how much time do we have left? Head hopping. I haven't seen an omniscient point of view up until now. (I infinitely prefer limited so I'd encourage you to keep to that but if you were to go omniscient, we should see way more). Or there should be a scene cut where we switch back to Jakob. p. 9 At this rate, approximately one hundred and fifty seconds until the house starts burning. The fire is picking up speed. I would recommend we leave before then. I didn't get any signs of the growing heat or the smoke inhalation - Ellora should be sensing those things (even if she ignores them because she's gone batty) p. 11 In other words, in is very likely you are a high-ranking official that even a description of could prove dangerous to the Empire. Right now I don't buy this. He's too hysterical and erratic for someone in a position of authority. If he's ever been in a management/leadership position, he's going to have a cooler head in an emergency than he's shown so far. (With almost no exclamations....) p. 12 I'm wondering where the discussion of Doc is at this point? I'd think Jakob would be reassuring her that if he's not there - they need to find him pronto. p. 13 "Ellora shook her head. Jakob continued, “It means that sometimes, everything seems impossible. Sometimes, there’s only black around you. But, there’s still hope. It’s up to you to make it happen. You’ve got to be the one to start.” Too much cliche. Also, he's been way too freaked out this chapter to have this sudden wisdom. “I wasn’t born, here in this village. I was born somewhere else, but my mother left that place long ago. My father died there before I was born, and my mother couldn’t stay there, with all the memories of him being there. I have a couple memories of us traveling around the country, but that was long ago.” We need the name of the specific village and the place where she was born. My other thought is that this full explanation of her childhood is a massive info dump - there are much more exciting ways to reveal this to the reader (make us work for it!) p. 14 Ellora ignored him and continued, her sobs fading slightly. “I don’t really care about the rest of the town. They were nice to Doc, sure. But they never helped me at all. Only Doc did. Even when I got my armor, all they saw was the same cripple who was stuck in a bed all those years. No friends. Only sympathy behind closed doors. Until you came along.” I like this from her - much more real. p. 16 - Reil, our memories are lost. It very well might have been. Jakob slowly looked up. “The soldiers were Empire troops. It’s all my fault the town was destroyed. I would apologize, but I don’t think there is a way to make it up to you for it.” This did not work for me. Does Jakob have no sense of people? Ellora is already in the middle of a mental break. It's not about lying - it's about finding a solution for him and Ellora to save doc. Ellora doesn't even care about the town except for Doc, so Jakob's explanation of not-lying and then her freak out didn't really ring true for me. p. 16 “I will not have another life against my conscience.” Cliche. "Jakob's mouth twisted a savage grin of a predator." I don't buy this. So far my impression of him is that he's a high-strung boy who likes the sound of his own moralizing voice. I don't buy any courage or tactical capability from him. I don't understand how they know it's a trap? And what does being rude have anything to do with it?

18-year-old Oz (Oscar) fights the Rex, violent mutants who can breathe despite the earth's low oxygen levels. Oz has set bombs to take a group of Rex out when the Rex spring his trap and after a chase leave him for dead. He escapes only to realize that the Rex are planning to use his bombs to trap a military caravan full of Aurum's Brides - and so he blows the bombs before the Rex can blow the caravan. He meets the commander of the caravan - who stares at him in a rather creepy way. But then once their in the car, Oz recognizes her. She's Eleanor Penton - the chairman and owner, really, of Aurum. Back at his trading post, Oz is accosted by Johnny, an eight year old boy, who is excited to show Oz that his depressed mother Mona is out of bed and working again. Meanwhile, Oz’s guardian John Calgary wants Oz to consider Eleanor Penton’s recruitment for her cabinet. Oz takes the test and passes, but feels no joy. He doesn’t want to go to Aurum. That night, Oz goes out to the storage shed where he meets Hayden, a beautiful girl who’s messing with the room’s fire to create a bizarre form of art. They see Mona outside heading toward the cricket sheds. The next day, Eleanor Penton approaches him about joining her team. Meanwhile, Oz is outside, wool gathering when Hayden joins him. They talk, tension builds, they makeout, and then Johnny shows up, freaking out over his mom. Oz follows him to find Mona - with Raj. Raj is Johnny's dad. He's supposed to be dead. Instead he's a Rex. *Note: six-wheelers are now "magnetars" in the manuscript. Do your worst! All feedback appreciated. Also curious, since this chapter concludes part 1 of the story, if you notice anything in the past that you would have changed.

Is that five? Trying to figure out if I should post or not.

Yeah, I'm putting my name down too - though I'll happily bow out for others. Edits on later chapters are taking me way too long and I could use the extra focus, though it's always great to keep getting feedback.

Heh. Yeah, with the flip, I think I'm going to try to add a line or two to transition the reader - but I want to keep it. Like you said, I think it fits. Going to work on the science. It's one of my favorite aspects of the story to tinker with... so :-)

Youarewonderful. I'm brainstorming ways to fit in Bride backstory. I think you're right on the money that it needs to be earlier.

*Uh, there’s a pretty hefty make out scene in this one – that’s the S warning. Summary up until this point: 18-year-old Oz (Oscar) fights the Rex, violent mutants who can breathe despite the earth's low oxygen levels. Oz has set bombs to take a group of Rex out when the Rex spring his trap and after a chase leave him for dead. He escapes only to realize that the Rex are planning to use his bombs to trap a military caravan full of Aurum's Brides - and so he blows the bombs before the Rex can blow the caravan. He meets the commander of the caravan - Eleanor Penton - who stares at him in a rather creepy way. Back at his trading post, Oz is accosted by Johnny, an eight year old boy, who is excited to show Oz that his depressed mother Mona is out of bed and working again. Meanwhile, Oz’s guardian John Calgary wants Oz to consider Eleanor Penton’s recruitment for her cabinet. Oz takes the test and passes, but feels no joy. He doesn’t want to go to Aurum. That night, Oz goes out to the storage shed where he meets Hayden, a beautiful girl who’s messing with the room’s fire to create a bizarre form of art. They see Mona outside heading toward the cricket sheds. The next morning… No specific questions on these chapters, I'm just very interested in whatever you guys have to offer, from line by lines to what's holding your attention you to stuff that needs to be cut, etc.

Also, putting my name in for next Monday, pending a spot.

The beginning bounced around a little bit for me. Suddenly Eclipse is talking - and we never really got properly introduced to him in the last chapter did we? We just found out who he was. Anyway, the arguing about whether or not Salane should have known could be cut down a little - your main point here - that our protagonist is doing something magically complex and BAMF should take center stage. His drawing power from the two moons is really freaking cool. Really well written too with his hair changing colors and the balance in his palms. Except I thought the protagonist was older? But the phrase "This is amazing!" made me rethink that. I don't think you need that line given that he is flying for the first time. Also, as a reader I really hate exclamation points. 9/10 times they make me think a character is shrill - which is not attractive. Hm. I don't like so much that he's hard on himself for not informing Salane when her interference is a serious breach of privacy. I feel like "Next time I'll leave you at the bottom of a cliff" is a more normal response. Before now, he's been so gruff (which I liked). Also, I was really enjoying how powerful and BAMF he was - and his apologizing to Salane really takes away from that. Then again, is this part of the ritual? Does the process weaken his will? Oh wait. They're flirting. That explains some things, but I was imagining Salane as quite matronly. We need more description of her throughout - especially if she is attractive. If she's hot - he'd definitely have thoughts about that when he's helping her up the cliff. Their relationship has seemed non-sexual/non-romantic up until now. Hrm. This will not affect your male readers as much, but I personally am chafing a bit already at the taming-of-the-shrew trope. Salane goes from being feisty and bullheaded as anything to wanting to be carried back to the village? It's so uncomfortable (and demeaning) to be carried unless she's injured. Escorted, maybe, but... I don't like the carrying at all - especially coming from her. And now Salane is crying over a benign comment about his father? *I'm side-eyeing you* Wait! How is he going to use his super cool new powers? The flying aka controlled falling was very quick. His going on a journey makes sense but I want a demonstration. Honestly, as they're walking back would be a great time for a real fight against a dark wolf. The pace really slows down when they just talk. Then again there's always next chapter... Excited to read more.

Some line edits mixed with steam of consciousness reactions... The tip of one spike came through the wall of the observatory, spraying water around. For some reason the "around" throws off the beat of the otherwise very cool sentence. It also launched a smaller form to land in the pool below the Argus orb. What is a smaller form? I don't think this was in the previous chapter and it's a rather nondescript term. With a roar Uldomiel charged the attackers, his helmet materializing around him with a silver shimmer. Don't need the "around him" - it's implied and it's extra words that the sentence doesn't need. Saraphiel's her lieutenant drew his sword and started cutting, keeping himself between her and the attackers. Since it's part 2 - I needed a reminder of her name. The image of the worm through the skull was gross! (I liked it.) So I think the skull should avoid the previous taunt ("Couldn’t save me either, angel") since it's a little cliche - and hop straight to the line: “I see why He Who Is Hate wants you. You’re delicious.” That line is amazing. And it comes out of a worm in a skull. So gross. So great. Ah I keep confusing Illiriel and Uldomiel! Though that won't be a problem anymore... obviously. She knew this one, the outsider one she’d fought before on the Straaxi moon, and now she knew its name too. Pronouns are occasionally confusing me. I love this description: black thorny dropship “Everyone, form up,” she started to sing sang. The professional copyeditors who work in publishing in my other critique group make me delete all of my "start to" and "begin to" in my manuscripts and here the "start to" read particularly weird to my ear. The star exploded. !!! She sang. Her voice was part of the harmony that spanned all of creation. Find me, she sang. I’m right here. She sang for a long time. She sang alone. Ah, my heart. This is good. I like: "grey planetoid", "lunar maria", "swollen, its light a pure holy white." I'm enjoying this latest test with Lucifer. Pure evil or mostly-evil - which to choose? “I’m coming my Lord,” she said, and flew into the sun. - Cool. I was a little confused on what was happening with Lucifer and the Elder Thing and the Hate Guy and then the female version - but I was very satisfied with the ending. I do think you could play more with Saraphiel and Uldomiel’s relationship - but your arc structure for the story is rock solid.