kais

Beetles are still there, just not the end sand plot. So YES to beetles v. tie fighter. In the real world, the TIE fighter would win. But since the little guy always wins in Star Wars...

I'd like a spot for Monday the 20th

OMG but what a mashup it would be!

Overall I don't have any technical quibbles with the chapter, and I'm always game for an R chapter, even though I feel like we've had a lot of POV switches early on here. I do, however, wonder what the arc was for this chapter. It felt like a lot of talking without a lot of doing, and I felt like that talking could have been accomplished while also doing things. I think this is one of the issues that I end up with, personally, with too many POVs too early on. Because it takes me a while to get invested, I use the action or tension to invest in instead. And when it's more talking, and I don't have a POV vested interest yet, it's hard to hold my attention. But I also realize I am not generally a reader of high fantasy and other forms where there are many, many POVs, so mine may not be the opinion to put weight on here. Oh, I think I get what you're saying. I think I may have accidentally started this trend in the book series I subbed through here some time ago. I'm pretty certain @Mandamon is using neopronouns and such like I did, wherein each pronoun set is being assigned to a different gender. So the reason there are so many is that each is indicating a unique gender, not necessarily a 'one nonbinary label to rule them all' that is the same across all species (please do correct me if I am wrong, @Mandamon). So for instance, a human might use 'they' to indicate nonbinary gender, but another species might have a gender outside woman/man that is like, secondary male or something, which wouldn't be a nonbinary gender, so it would get a different pronoun, like xe. I don't know if that helps or not. As I go - I really like that epigraph! - pg 2: elgyn....<--- WRS? - pg 3: without the Net to guide them, I feel like I would be very wary of a drink from another species. Who knows if you can digest the same things they can?? - pg 4: NOT A BARE ANKLE! - pg 5: I think I'm having some WRS. I'm anxious for this group to go be more proactive. There is a lot of chit chat for how much happened in the last book, especially since there is no time gap between the books - pg 7: so the on again, off again thing with Or is on again? Their romance totally worked for me in the first book, but I've been pretty confused about it either since. Are they just... friends with benefits? It seems like R goes to see Or whenever she needs some wind down time - pg 8: yes I would like to go to a more pleasing installation of color. I'm going to use this line from here on out every time a room is boring

I was thinking M-o-t would needle E a bit, just generally, about love and such. Since it seems like she is warming to E, and with warming comes ribbing, Mo style.

Overall Well like @Mandamon I was prepared to be grumbly about another chapter of not moving, but there was enough interpersonal movement that I really enjoyed it. My biggest hangups came from the E/Q interactions, which ran very straight flirty, especially from E. There are pretty distinct ways lesbians interact with straight men, different ways they may interact with bi and pan men, and different ways they interact based upon what 'kind' of lesbian they are. You've coded E as a power femme more or less, and so to see her acting more high femme really threw me off. I can get into more detail if you want. As I go - pg 3: more sitting and talking. Dislike - pg 6: I enjoyed the touching Q/M moment a lot! - pg 6: I still don't understand why Q and Kres are all buddy buddy now - pg 6: Is that male gaze in your eye, or are you just pleased to see me?” <--- Dead. I am dead. Please do not ever delete this line - pg 7: Q brushing away E's tear is a little squicky to me. It's very male flirty, and it sounds like E is canon lesbian. If Q wants to get away with that he needs to make it more of a clear overstepping, like a joke. Something like, "M'lady, do let me get your wanton tear" etc - the follow up line is perfect though - pg 8: But now the law accept he’s up <--- missing an 's' - pg 8: I told you I don’t bat for the B-team <-- while this is funny, he's made one too many passes at her for my liking. I'd like to see her come down harder on him, but still friendly. She's already tried to gently point out he's bi/pan, and he's pushed that away and doubled down on the flirting to hide it (classic!). So when he does this flirt, I'd love to see her say something like, "Even you have to see your overcompensation by now" - pg 9: ugh too much knee touching if she's not flirting. It makes me uncomfortable. Lesbians don't socialize like straight women, unless she's high femme, which she has not been described as. I classes her as more power femme, and no power femme would be repeatedly touching a guy's knee - pg 11: careful with 'spook'. I know its a CIA slang term but it's also a really bad racial slur in the US, too - pg 12: Matt black,<--I think in this context it gets an 'e' on the end - interesting ending

Overall I think there is a good story in here, but it is buried under a lot of exposition and extra words. I think the first ten or so pages could be cut entirely, and the rest expanded to give more character dynamics to our leads. The narrative really gets going when A is brought back, but before that it really jumps around and is hard to stay invested, much less follow what is going on. This is also my question I have similar issues to @Mandamon and @Silk, though I'd like to see more character development of our lead character along with some changes to the worldbuilding As I go - why is percussionist capitalized? What makes it a proper noun? - this first page has a lot of new words and I'm glazing over because I can't take them all in at once - page two recaps page one. I think you could cut all of page one - pg 4: as I reach the end of this page, I know the purpose of the story, but I don't have buy in. The city is crumbling but...why do I care? Why do the characters care? I need someone to get invested with. I need to know what the stakes are, beyond some crumbling buildings - pg 5: so many words that I don't know the meaning of. I'm so confused - pg 9: I'm not feeling any tension here because I don't have any investment in the daughter or our lead at this stage - pg 12: what was the purpose of the dead daughter? -pg 12: Okay, so this story is about bringing back the mythical musician because... the city is grumbling and needs restoration? Is that it? I think the past twelve pages could probably be put into one, maybe two, to get to this point, then build from there - pg 12: this type of repetition: but how many murders go unsolved because of your prudishness? How many families don’t get a chance to say goodbye when a loved one dies from a sudden accident? <--- is a good way to cut down words. You said this above already, in sort of a narrative info spread. Here it comes more naturally through dialogue. You could remove the entire previous mention of it, leave it here, and it would be more natural and add better flavor and tension to your story - pg 16: LOL! I enjoy A's reactions when she wakes - I am much more invested once A is in the story. She has very solid personality - I'm not sure I understand the ending

Overall It was a solid chapter, and it definitely moved things forward. I'm not feeling any real threat though from the orange things. That may need to be built up a bit more. I'm also (and this is likely personal preference) grumpy over three different POV chapters right after each other. I'd like to get a bit of grounding in one POV for a few chapters before moving on, especially in series like this where there is so much going on. Things feel really choppy right now at the beginning, and it's making it hard to get invested (though I did really enjoy last chapter a lot, but likely because I'm deeply invested in the Ari story line). Very good draft though. It read smoothly and I didn't see too many typos. Some additional comments below. As I go - pg 1: . For there is one aspect of portals that speak of. <-- to speak of maybe? - pg 3: I feel like this new void comes from nowhere. S sent the last one to Earth Past, and this one was just....at the Assembly, waiting for someone to come by? I think this needs to be foreshadowed more. It seems too plot convenient - pg 6: there are several new names in here. It might be a bit earlier in the book, as we are all still getting our footing again, to add new characters to the already expansive world - pg 7: oooh wait, are all the mini drains from the last book? Maybe I'm having WRS here then - pg 10: so are these orange things any way related to the little creatures from the short a while back? That's what I'm comparing them to in my head - pg 11: Confused. Meth homeworld has the same animals as Earth? Is it supposed to be like a multiverse deal here? I thought it was established that Meth was NOT Earth some time ago? - pg 12: some blocking clean up. I thought the creature cut the portal in half, not the other way around. Was confused there for a minute

Succulents store water in their leaves, correct @Robinski, which is why they're sort of... pudgy I guess is the word we could use. There are vine-type succulents, like String of Pearl, but they more hang than go up. Sucking in moisture from the air makes me think of air plants and some Thai orchids. Maybe it's worth a thought by Sam about how the plants seem to be succulent-air plant hybrids?

@Silk I made two turkey pot pies with our leftover turkey and they were so good. Yours look amazing! Want to compare recipes?

Overall Excited to see a M chapter, and there were some awesome moments in there with her. I disliked the sitting around and generally want more action and movement from Q&M. E was surprisingly silent this chapter, and I think a bit more of her insisting about T might have been nice. She is in love, after all. And M would not let an opportunity to needle her about it go untested. Same issues as @Mandamon. As I go - ooooh, M POV! SIGN ME UP - pg 3: So he’s a <--- tense change weirdness - pg 4: there isn't a lot of tension in these early pages. Since M is a bit worried, I'd like to see more of that on the page. Right now Mor feels like a cartoon villain - pg 4: here.“I’ll give <-- missing a space - pg 6: wait... so Mor sets of a....smoke bomb? And then they get questioned and released? Why? What? I don't understand - pg 6: I love that M sticks her tongue out after being patronized. Excellent characterization there - pg 6: that Mor is now my prime suspect in the disappearance of T <-- how? When? Why? - pg 7: and yell at him for not loving her. <-- EMOTIONS! I love this! Could we get more of this in earlier chapters? SO GOOD - pg 8: damnation, q, but <--- Q's name isn't capitalized here - pg 7: , I can use it let you <-- typos in there - ending: hmm. Well I liked getting more on Mystery Caller, but I disliked just sitting around and talking. I really really want Q&M to just go do something, and it feels like this chapter is kind of fluff in a way, whereas they could be having this conversation while being more active

I'm not sure that's canon... 100% canon. I love that Lego knows its fan base

I wish my email would stop acting up! Overall A reasonable chapter that felt a bit flat at the end, for me. I also feel like M has been a bit absent in these past few chapters in terms of getting her dialogue and actions and such. I wouldn't mind seeing her interact with E, either. I think that could be gold! Quite keen to carry on and see the resolution, for sure! Yes I had this same issue. Yes. I agree with @Mandamon As I go - pg 2: why are they drawn to the droid? - pg 3: his head like a some medieval thing <-- typo - DEATH SPARKLES RETURN - pg 4: Corporal D (according to her name patch) removed her tactical glasses. Quirk recalibrated his assessment of the NCO. Xe was short, blue-eyed and business-like, appearing unwilling to tolerate any opinions contrary to xir own. <-- WRS and confused? She or Xe? And how does Q know to xe? That part WRS? - pg 5: very into the Xa'am - hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about the ending. It feels like they got movement and then it was taken from them again. I think I'm getting to the place where I feel like Q&M just get dragged around by the plot, that they have no real agency or control. I think I'd like them plotting something active at the very least, at the end of this chapter, before Mor comes in

Welcome to RE! So glad to have some new members! Overall Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that! The only part I stuck on was the very last paragraph, and I have some thoughts below. As a parent, I was deeply engrossed from the first part and though I knew the ending, it was still a delightful and melancholy ride. Nicely done! And very chilling! 1. Definitely interesting to me! 2. I guessed early enough that I enjoyed the slightly creepy imagery. I think the hints were well placed 3. I liked the mom and the girl quite a bit! I thought they fit well 4. I think the current title is actually quite nice. Thank you for a great holiday read! As I go - Orange and brown leaves rotted on the branches <- living in the PNW as well, I feel this so hard - revealing still green lawns in need of mowing all through the winter. <--- UGHHHH right!? - pg 5: bit into the crackers <-- I thought the mom pulled out cookies and milk? - that last paragraph I think needs some tweaking. Did we get much reference to the doll earlier? I don't remember it enough for there to be a connection. I'd also like just a bit on her disappearance from the photos. Maybe just one more sentence or more clarity on the current sentence

I don't know if pregnancy info is relevant for the character, unless it's plot relevant?

Welcome to RE, @lizbusby! Sorry I'm late to the party here. But this is the last night of Chanukah so hoping to re-emerge from my den soon! We are always happy to have new members, especially those here for the long haul!

It's actually not that high--$100/year I think. They did it to cut down on the bogus reviews, in theory.

This is a good point! In fact my crits have changed to be less LBL-like the longer I've been here, due to the influence of my agent and his editorial style (and what I've learned are things to focus on versus not in the drafting stage for my own uses with him). Everyone has their own style, and everyone's comments are useful. It's nice here that we have some big picture people, some LBL people, some in between. It gives people very well rounded crits!

Late but here! Overall I think some work is needed to determine what the theme of the story is, then develop the characters, then work on the worldbuilding. The narrative seems to wander as much as J does, but it's hard to know who to root for, or even what is going on in the world. I don't feel any threat from the antagonists and I don't have any world buy-in because I don't know anything about the two main characters. Because of this I was unable to get invested in the story. Reading above, it appears others were able to invest in the characters so it might just be me that didn't connect. I think you have the start of something good here, but it needs some cleaning and trimming. If you cut a lot of the extra bits it could be a very sharp story. I had this same issue As I go - before he knew it was safe for any external reason <-- I read this three times. I still don't understand what it is referring to. - the second paragraph also confuses me. I'm not really certain what it is saying or what information it is trying to convey - Animal fear that the radio would draw their invaders <-- what now? I am so confused. What is the threat? Is this just MC against humanity? Are there aliens or something? - when they arrived at the gulley where three would die <-- is this J's voice or authorial? If J's, how does he know this? I don't understand the rules of this world - Maybe because it's one <--- tense change - who is tall enough <-- tense change - pg 3: tense changes throughout here. I'll stop noting them individually - pg 3: I think the narrative actually starts on page three. Suggest cutting the previous pages. - pg 4: thus far the only thing we know about the antagonists right now is that they are black. - The felled giant <-- Wait there are giants??? - pg 5: I don't think the characters outside of our MC and L are necessary. They have no distinct personalities or apparent use. It would make the narrative less confusing if they were cut - pg 7: It's hard for me to stay focused right now. I don't understand the threat, or the stakes, or have any character investment so I'm not able to find any anchors to hold on to. I skimmed to the end and am still not sure what the purpose of the story was

I got it four times! Overall Well I really enjoyed it. All the information I'd been wanting and we got some cool powers interactions. There are a few areas I'd have liked even more information, but I suppose that might come, too. I like that we see that S has really grown, and I like that I isn't in a lot of control. I think the background of the Ari in terms of their similarities with the Ss could use a bit more lantern hanging, or a brighter A HAH moment. Otherwise though, I was never bored and really enjoyed the information! As I go - pg 1: He couldn’t know the extent of her struggle. Really? I have questions. He was held for longer and how did he manage to not absorb or be absorbed? And surely he knows most of her struggles, having had to fight them off, surely - pg 8: love the 'they' as a singular pronoun description here - pg 9: was close to them in an instant <-- because you use 'instance' for the Ari, I'd suggest not using 'instant' here. I had to read the sentence a few times and got a bit confused - pg 14: I love them using their powers together! - the ending I think needs more punch

I still can't believe how fast you finished this book! Looking forward to the conclusion. Overall I think the first several pages could be cut to get more to the action and forward momentum. I was most engaged with the Ari backstory and I wonder why they don't just go full on to get that information and then deal with everything else, since it seems like the Dissolu**** isn't coming super fast. I'd be super hooked if we got some large Ari bombs right here in this first chapter, to steamroll us into the new book! As I go - pg 7: there are some weird - inbetween words. Is that on purpose or an artifact of the speech to text software? - Looks like the - problem is throughout the document - pg 10: this feels like a very slow start. It's two and a half pages in and nothing has happened yet, and just a bit of dialogue. I think it'd be nice to start strong, maybe a big punch of discovery or dialogue, and lay background later - pg 12: Something else that is not as important as the other things we need to talk about right now. As soon as I can, I’ll ask her. <-- this should be in italics I think. Looks like a thought? - pg 13: I feel like this is where the narrative starts, where Sa makes a decision - pg 14: there are a lot of unfamiliar words in this chapter. I don't know how much is WRS from having read the previous book chapter by chapter, and how much is just the characters and words of this facet being new-ish, but I'm confused as to a lot of what is being talked about. S wants to go back to his universe, check. The twins/instances are back, yes, this I remember. And the Eff from S's universe is dead and had a weird spined crown that I want more information on. I feel like more is being built up but I can't parse it. - pg 16: yes I am much more engaged when getting to learn about Ari history! - pg 18: okay but wouldn't they want to learn all about the Ari first and then do other things? Since the Ari are the key to pretty much everything here?

Overall At first I thought, oh, another travel chapter. But then it paid off big time at the end and we got DEATH SPARKLES and I am quite happy. I like the searching though I wish they'd turned up a few bigger clues before the firefight. I think this was a solid movement towards the ending. although maybe WRS but why do they think T is there? Do they think she's being hidden away? I thought she had gotten away from the GMOs and was maybe hiding out? Are we to intuit that she was picked up by Mor et al. and secreted away? I love the interplay between Q and E and would love to see it punched up even more. I think they make great semi-foils for one another, but also sort of two sides of the same coin. Like those two with M would make a heck of a crime fighting team! I'll agree with this. It'd be nice to find something of note at the house I'm the only one who liked the death sparkles, apparently. I love them. No shame. As I go - pg 3: oh I love the 'i don't do sports' interplay, noting their respective sides of the queer spectrum. Quality queer content there - pg 7: “Huh,” said Q. “You’ve…” “Sorry,” she grumbled. “I’m <-- I don't understand this interchange. Why does she back down so quickly? - pg 8: M GOT A GUN! - pg 11: For the first time, Q considered that M and T were already dead. <-- does he have emotions about this? - DEATH SPARKLES!!!

@Robinski I didn't get this sub. Could you send it to my email directly? Thank you!

Overall I think this does in fact, qualify as fantasy, since it has a talking cat. It's just more urban than sword and sorcery or high fantasy. What are the word count limits? This seems long for flash fiction, and a little too wandery. I think it would need to be cut and honed to really get that flash fiction feel. I'm also confused as to how it meets the requirements of the writing contest. What is the main character's fault? That they are walking alone between buildings? Being mute isn't a fault--a fault is something that you could fix if you worked on it. Our MC here can't fix being mute any more than a blind person could fix being blind. I think our MC needs a more readily identifiable fault for this to work for the writing contest. As below, I'm also confused by the ending. It didn't have any punch and I'm left wondering what the arc of the story was. I think part of this is that there is no real wonder over the talking cat. I'd like to see more reactions, more description of the voice of the cat and what that does to the bullies and the MC. The beginning of the piece was very nice and engaging! I think you've got a great start here. The middle and the end just need some tightening. So... what is the fault he has to overcome? Being socially awkward? Also I never would have guessed ventriloquism. It was stated so clearly that he was mute. That might have to be backed off or foreshadowed better. As I go - I had to read the first sentence three times before I realized the 'they' is the apartment buildings - pg 1: wait, actual gorillas? Or large people? - pg 3: when the cat started talking I was very confused. I think some description of what the cat sounds like would be really useful. Give us some hint it is the cat and not some human who has stumbled upon the scene - I don't understand the arc of this story. The ending leaves me feeling... like I've either missed something or there are some unkempt promises.

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