kais

Overall I adored this chapter up until that very last line. The tension and pacing were great, and S was dynamic. His companion didn't add much but then again wasn't really meant to. This was S's time to shine and wow did he ever! I was, however, expecting a bigger reveal at the end. The ring being a 'key' to the house is very abstract to me. Didn't we know that on like the fifth page? Is it a physical key? Does he have to insert it somewhere? With all that fantastic build up, I wanted something super concrete at the end I could really grab on to, that would propel me to the next chapter. This line left me mostly confused and feeling let down. I wanted something big! I call foul! This was my issue as well. As I go - pg 1: I enjoy that the twins can do something S can't! - pg 5: so why can they get to the house of time but not the other facet? I think I'm still confused as to the logistics here - pg 8: good tension though here. I want to know things! - pg 10: pronoun slip: shaking his hand at her - pg 11: 'E'! Okay, how many neopronouns are we up to, now? - between pigs 11-13, I'm not sure what happened. It seemed like a lot of speculation and talking, but then on pg 13 S gets back to business, (asking about a key or code) which is what I want to be reading. Maybe cut the middle page there so the tension stays high? - pg 20: uh oh, you used 'parse'! @Robinski will be coming for you in short order. I was given a stern talking to last week! - pg 28: I like that S uses his skills he developed to deal with his panic attacks to deal with the symphony here - last line...leaves me feeling a little empty

Also up for Monday the 18th pending space

It's America's rear (oh for heaven's sakes, Shard, come ON) for a reason!

99% of the time people don't actually want to hold the baby (well they DO, but they ALSO want to take a hit off its head). Best drug in the world. I'm not a fan of infants (having had my own), but I would hands down hold literally any infant offered, just to sniff its head.

There is so much blood. Her pants would be...dissolving. They actually smell AMAZING. Like, the pheromones can actually get you high.

Overall Some good movement, and I was well entertained. Mostly emotion comments below (per usual), and some thoughts about how they plan to fight the El when they can't communicate or seem to actually beat them. I find this book is moving faster than the last one, which felt like it took far too long to get to the meat of the action. Here, we are in it from the start, and I am very happy with that. Though I always feel like R's chapters lack the dynamics of the apprentice chapters, here at least I found her interactions with Or more believable. As I go - pg 1: "...sounded like the Net, but wasn't" is a great end line - pg 8: ah yes! The sibling explanation!! Although I think I wanted a bit of a longer explanation. It's just a sentence or so, and it'd be a good time to give a few more on how the instance thing works - pg 14: I definitely wanted less...idle chat and more reactions. The information the twins gave was fantastic, and I wanted to really revel in the reactions. Everything felt really muted though. There'd be a brief flare of OMG and then it would just die back down. I think I want more time with the reactions, but with the strong reactions, if that makes sense - I think the pages between 14-18 could be cut. Here at 18 we are only just starting to get to the purpose of this beat, it feels like - pg 22: ah, this interaction between O and R is more believable - pgs 14-23: the purpose of this beat was to invite O to the two house society, yes? It seems like that could be done more quickly, and as part of a larger chapter arc. Here it seems like a lot of chatting during a crisis. They have TWO Ari with them, things are eating the crystal, and everyone is very calm and inviting O to join secret societies 'when this is all over'...but much like with COVID, aren't they really unsure if it ever WILL be all over? I think it's a weird time for them not to be stressed out - pg 23: I love the phrase 'affordable morals' and would like it on a t-shirt - pg 25: simply because you liked adventure and—” I really wanted him to say 'simply because you liked adventure and head crests.' - pg 25: That's a powerful paragraph from R there, and much more in-character. If you cut this line: Maybe the loss of so many lives was making her sappy. It'll land perfectly - pg 25: he responds in kind....and she has no emotions about it! EMOTE PLS - pg 31: I think for this general discussion/download to work, the reader needs to get some new information along with the old. It isn't all being recapped, which is great, but it is also a lot of yes we know now pls get to movement. If there was some new stuff sprinkled in, that would keep my attention really sharp - pg 33: wait, can't pixies fly?? - pg 34: ah okay, we got to them - pg 35: they have a plan but I'm not sure what it is. They are going to enlist beings that can fly. Check. But what then? It doesn't sound like a plan so much as the start of a plan. I'm also surprised they aren't discussing why the net can't properly translate what the El are saying.

Overall Hmm. Some mixed feelings on this. I think the baby was too fussy for a newborn, and there's some instinctual stuff that got overlooked (instinctual even if L wasn't feeling very motherly). I do like the arc, and how L bonds with the kid in the end. It brought up a lot of emotion. The fight went on a tad long I think, noting how much we know about L. I'd have preferred another page building her character so I cared more about the fight and the enemies, and what it meant for the enemy to functionally adopt her daughter. This is 100% true, because infants that old are generally asleep. Mine didn't even wake up for her vaccinations. YES I had these issues as well. Is magic needed? Why make that kind of bargain before she knows what she is up against? Agreed. For the first, oh, two months or so post birth, my baby was literally the only thing I could think about. And I didn't want the all consuming baby brain, trust me. But even when my mother-in-law came to help and held my kid for like, an hour, I had to go in, crying, and ask to have her back because it had been a whole hour without my kid. Postnatal hormones are weird. As I go - As a person who has given birth, who is friends with many other people who have given birth...we all tend to be pretty clear that the kid did not originate from our anus. The word 'vagina' gets used with decent frequency, in its raw and glorious form. - The level of exhaustion after giving birth is intense. I suppose if I was actively being pursued I might have been able to, say, walk down a flight of stairs. Maybe. Mostly, I find the anger hard to connect to because I had a lot of emotions post labor, but anger wasn't one of them. Fatigue was, as was awe, and hunger. 'Don't you stick me with any more needles I swear to god I will beat you with my placenta' was probably the closest I came to actual anger, and it was an empty threat. I wasn't getting out of that bed unless pancakes were involved - newborn infants are not big criers. It is deeply instinctual to put the baby to your breast post birth (newborns root for nipples right after they come out and will actually raise their heads and crawl up your torso if you let them, even though these things disappear in a few days and don't come back for several months). Newborns mostly sleep, especially those first two to three days. So I would have expected L to put the baby to her breast. And if it was there, no way it was crying. They don't even really need much milk that first day or so. They mostly just...sleep. - pg 2: the fatigue is better here, but the fussiness of the baby is not. Newborns are a lot of things, but fussy isn't one of them - I do appreciate the 'woo a boy or girl' part!

Because of the kind of feedback you've asked for, I'm just going to read this and then discuss your questions I think your chapter starts on page two, with "...threw herself onto a bench..." The first page is unnecessary. The interview itself comes off as very suspect. She's giving away way too much information, and a lot of it is redundant with what we already know. It doesn't seem to be advancing the plot at all. The therio being excited to interview her, then being all nah, don't actually need anyone, made me feel like the scene was a waste (or DEEPLY suspect). In the second part of the chapter, it's really hard not to skim because I don't know what the point of the chapter is. What is the arc? What is our MC supposed to accomplish in this chapter? I think that whole visit in the middle of the chapter could be cut, and we could just have the first beat, then this last beat with the messenger, since it seems to move the plot forward. I also think the first beat might need...something to showcase that the interviewer isn't on the up and up. I mean, it seems sketchy already, but maybe have our MC lightly suspect something, then dismiss? Same! Completely agree with this as well Yes, please no POV shifts here. I think there is some good momentum in this chapter, but it's all at the end. Most of what needs to be conveyed could be done so in about two to three pages, I think. So mostly, fat trimming.

Overall I felt like there were a lot of inconsistencies in M's objectives and attractions in this chapter. It is very clear the guy is the target, so why have the girls at all if M isn't interested? Also, I'd like a bit more on why she is basically stalking the guy. Is she just bored? Your questions Does the plot move forward enough? This chapter is still a little on the quiet side. Ch. 4 has more things going wrong and more action. It moves forward enough for a romance, yes. But I don't feel any connections between M and her love interest, or the girls. She mostly just seems tired and annoyed. Are there feelings? Does M seem to connect with both potential love interests on some level? Feelings, sometimes, but no real connection. It's clear she is interested in the guy, but it doesn't seem super healthy. It's clear the girls are super interested in her, and she doesn't really care, which makes me question why they are in here. Where does my logic cease to make sense? Detailed LBLs below. I tried to describe a lot of facial expressions in this section to convey emotion because M isn't reading Mi's mind. I am bad with facial expressions in real life, so I am bad at writing them. I didn't have any issues with the facial expressions. I think the motivations are off moreso in this chapter, in that I'm just not feeling connections. As I go - I think the first paragraph has some really beautiful imagery that is muddled in the clunky lines and redundant words. Cleaned up, I think it would be amazing - pg 1: while I LOL at the spying line, it's also a little bit creepy - pg 2: 'just wanted to know what he was up to' isn't great stakes for me. I'd rather he be in danger, or encroaching on finding out angels are real, or something like that. I'd like a real reason for her spying on him, or just go full romance and have her be bored, smitten, and able to stealthily stalk men - pg 3: but THAT SPECIFIC BUILDING? I'd be very skeptical of finding someone on my special hiding building when there are so many other buildings around. Especially someone I'd been hanging out with a lot - pg 5: Do you think it's possible to know too much to be like everyone else? If you have too many secrets, too much knowledge you can’t share, make it impossible to connect with other people <-- This is a confusing few sentences. I'm not sure what he is trying to say, and what this has to do with a boy kissing him at a party. Did he come up there because he's upset about a drunk kiss, or because he thinks he is too weird to date? What in his past is the problem? Is that what makes him feel like he is weird?? Mostly, I'm lost in this dialogue - pg 5: I don’t think I’ll regret it unless you do something to make me regret it <-- WOW. Dislike this dude. "hey, I'm drunk, so everything is your fault' is a real not-romantic line. Much prefer it read: I don't think I'll regret telling you...maybe. or something - pg 6: the scene on the roof leaves me confused. I think you're trying to get them to realize they both have secrets but...the dialogue seemed forced and stilted. The guy is drunk, so okay, I can buy that. M just seems...awkward, which is fine, but doesn't drive the romantic attraction at all. I feel like I'm being told a lot about her attraction to him, but shown actions that are mostly wary and borderline obsessed. Does she like him, or does she just want his secrets because she has nothing else going on? - pg 7: the dialogue between M and T is much more naturally awkward and cute. I can see the attraction there, but it falls flat because it is clear that the romance is between M and the guy. I think T needs more involvement in the story, not just as a side character. It isn't really a love triangle if both parties aren't equally competing. T needs her own secret that intrigues M! - pg 9: for how concerned M was about consent earlier, I'm surprised she is even contemplating kissing a drunk person - pg 10: this page has enough typos and sentences without ends that I'm not entirely sure what is going on - pg 11: so her roommate...wants a threesome? - oh. oh my. I see that yes, she does. - pg 11: wasn't M pretty worked up over almost being kissed? Or did she not want to be kissed? I'm really confused and feel like we get a lot of mixed signals. Does M have interest in T? She has 'interest' in the guy, yes, and gets kind of fluttery around him, but the actual writing of the M/T scenes is much more engaging, but yet M doesn't seem to care much. I thought she was interested in the kiss, but she said she wasn't to her mother, and just came home to be offered a threesome, declined, and undressed in front of them. If I was wired from flirting and almost being kissed, I don't think I'd be able to just undress and go to bed. At the very least I'd flirt back, or just not go into the room. I expect M to be carrying some residual arousal, either from T or the guy, yet none comes through here. - pg 15: be able to help you cobble something together.” <-- Between this sentence and the next, where M texts her mom, we need emotions. How does she feel about the invite? Does she want to go? Judging from the roommate scene, she isn't interested at all in either of the girls so why go with them? Why not try to go with the guy? Why does she want to impress the girls? We've seen no indication of her interest in either of them this chapter, and that last sentence confirms that she really isn't interested in either of them. Just the guy. So...is she going to use them to get to him? If she isn't interested in them, why are they in the story?

I live near Portland, so if you do head this way, drop me a note!

I’ll assume by ‘crazy’ you mean ‘delicious.

All except one factory had the same molds. Technically the Spanish factory had the same mold, too, but it got damaged and someone there repaired it....weirdly, so the Spanish 'piggie' ponies (the mold redo made them look like piglets) are the weirdest. The most common variations though are in dye color. Every country got to choose its coloring based on what their people liked. So in Greece, the ponies were a lot brighter. They were muted in France. Across South Africa they mixed and matched the body and head molds (aesthetics??). In Argentina the colors were....not what we in the US would consider coordinating, but hey, it worked for them! And then there's the symbols, which every country seemed to think was a 'hey, let's get creative' moment...

Up for the next week as well, please.

Yup! My childhood collection has um, grown significantly over time. I was a pretty careful kid, too, so I still have all the original accessories and playsets and stuff. Imagine my surprise when I learned that many countries had their own pony factories, so the variations are functionally endless?? Shown in the photos is my Greek Blue Firefly (she looks green with the weird light), which cost 1500 euros, which was a steal. Only four of her are known to exist in the world, I believe. She is by far my rarest pony. I wish I had a photo of my childhood room! It would have looked a lot like this, but more pastel, and the horses would have been ponies...but still!

@Robinski they aren’t worth quite as much as Breyer horses. The ultra rare Greek and South African ponies can go for $2000+ these days, but I’ve never seen one over $3000 I own one of the most rare My Little Ponies, actually. Only four of her known to exist in the world!

Might just be reader preference? I'm pretty loose when it comes to relationships in fiction. If it works for the characters and everyone is a consenting adult, it's fine with me. From a real world perspective, while I have no experience in a shared sibling relationship, I am in a Sam sort of thruple, where I'm (player B.) with two people (players A and C) but those two people are not also with each other. And while the dynamics continue to evolve, at this stage we all interact together as a family unit, but intimacy is not shared. We might do an A/B/C snuggle on a couch, maybe, but if its more than hand holding then it's an B/C and A goes for a walk. I'm a perpetually cold person, so it is a great dream of mine to have a giant spoon wherein A is spooning me, and I am spooning C. But the chances of this happening, even once, might take years of build up, since spooning is fairly intimate and A and C are not in a relationship together, if that makes sense?

Overall For a romance book, the chapter's arc was fine, however there was no real chemistry for me to latch onto. It felt more like worldbuilding for a straight up fantasy, as M drifts through human interactions in an intrusive, listless fashion. In the first chapter I felt her tension with the girl and the boy. In this one she seemed frustrated by people looking at her, treated the boy like a mystery she wanted solved, and ignored the girl almost completely. For this to really work, she needs to be interested in both of them, and show it with her actions and emotions. Have her slide her hand onto the girl's during the introductions. Have her wipe ketchup from the boy's cheek. Giggle. Tell a joke. Get really into talking about Star Wars. It doesn't have to be sexual but we need to see an emotional connection between M and the two potential love interests. This bothered me as well As I go - pg 2: does she not have mind reading boundaries?? - pg 2: if he suspects her, why go to lunch with him??? - pg 3: I'm confused as to what role the pixie plays. Every time it shows up it just confuses me and I'm not sure how its moving the narrative - pg 3: ah I see the placeholder for throwaway names is still here - pg 3: forest of pine and maple--this would be a very strange forest. Mixed and transitional stands wouldn't have pine and maple. That might have fir and maple, though - pg 4: she doesn't like people staring at her breasts? I thought it was fine when the girl did it? I don't remember her reacting poorly. In fact I thought I remembered her being enthusiastic? - pg 5: She gave him what she hoped passed as a flirty smile <--- Does she like him though? I've not seen any real indication of it, and she just said she was going to wear a t-shirt tomorrow when he checked her out. I'm not being shown any attraction on M's part here - pg 5: but she’d spent too much time in his head today <-- which has to be a consent violation of some form - pg 7: why is she hanging out with this guy? Is it just sheer curiosity? It feels like she's curious, looking at him more as a science project or a puzzle. He's clearly interested in her, but she just...doesn't seem to be into it outside of rifling through his mind without his consent - pg 8: this paragraph about his secrets is exactly what I was thinking. She states she thinks he is cute and weird, but that is being told, not shown. What is shown is her sort of stalker level fascination with his secrets. - pg 9: Maybe I should put a different shirt on <-- okay. Question. If she dislikes being looked at on her upper torso, why does she wear clothes that show it off? - pg 10: I thought the pin table worked fine. Lots of younger queer people I know like the ? pin because they haven't sussed out their micro identities yet - pg 12: she had a date with the girl, and didn't interact with her?? Sounds like her roommate got all the action

Overall I don't have a lot of comments. There wasn't anything structurally wrong with the chapter, and the interactions were very slice of life, with good emotion. However I'm not sure what the chapter arc was supposed to be. What purpose does this chapter serve? How does it move the plot along? If our protagonist is depressed (as this shows), what is she doing about it? She goes to a temple, but it doesn't resolve anything, either. I need something to move me to the next chapter. To keep me reading. You're correct! Species is both singular, and plural Yes this. This was my issue exactly. As I go - pg 3: it just occurred to me that it would be such a fun plot twist if she got to the restaurant and it was fine! - pg 5: I'm amused by the description of the outfits as 'honeybee black and yellow' - pg 7: I'm not convinced that they'd all just write it off as a cookware and then disperse. Where's the speculation? The anger? The investigation? -pg 9: an Orin dragon like from the Neverending Story??

Overall Good content, but rougher than the last chapter I think. The ending in particular confused me. Twins can access each other's power so they can go between facets, but I don't understand what the trio are doing at the end. Each going to a different place? How are their portals suddenly working? How did S and E get back so easily? The dialogue is pretty good, and the trio's I love yous are adorable, but the mechanics of what is going on confuses me a lot. I think it should be an easy clean up, and the confusion might be because of too many words, not too few. As I go - top of page three is all stuff we already know, and could easily be cut - pg 5: I think these first five pages could all be condensed into one page, where I has feelings, holds the diadem, then decides to put it on. Right now there is a lot of rehashing things we already know, and the very choppy thought process we got with E, too, last chapter - pg 8: there are a lot of redundant thoughts throughout here that slow down the pacing. For instance: The conversation slipped and chattered and I could make out little. The... after the end of the war. So that was when this memory happened. Ari were still accepted after the war? That was not in any history book. You could easily cut third and fifth sentence so that reading through, this flows better and the reader doesn't have to keep going between memory and I's thoughts. Thinking back on the previous chapter, I think that's what threw me with E, too. We'd get impression, impression, thought, when I wanted impressions informed by thought, so that I didn't have to leave the scene to get into the character's head. It slows down the pacing, at least for me, when I have to jump back and forth. - pg 11: oooooh I see the similarities to the little centipede things now! - pg 16: the magi dying after the portal finishes is confusing to me - pg 17: how did they keep him alive for eight days?? Water? - pg 21: I said he had a way through to the other facet, but they seem to be doing something else here? - pg 23: oh I see, they're still trying to get through? I think that got lost somewhere. I might need more clear dialogue, or less unrelated dialogue, in this section - pg 25: okay why is it so easy to get to this second facet, but so hard to leave it? Has that been explained yet? - pg 27: there's a very natural break for the chapter to end just as Sa and E arrive back - pg 29: I'm not clear what good this information about the twins does them. It doesn't help them get through the wall, does it? - pg 30: I'm definitely bothered by how easy it was to return back to this facet. I think I need that explained. It seems like a giant worldbuilding hole right now - pg 31: as S’s hands tailed down his spine. <-- needs to have a bit more, like '...tailed down his spine, and then a bit further.' Right now it seems like moving down the spine was the sex act - pg 33: I am left confused. How is the triple portal working?

Overall The bones of this chapter are good. Really good. The plot is great, E is compelling, and the saving S in the end really nails the chapter. I think the sentences don't flow together as well as they could, and it makes for choppy reading, especially at the beginning. E's wandering time is also too long, I feel. You could easily cut a thousand words from it and not lose any content at all. I think her wanderings and observations become redundant at a point, when I really just want her observations to compile into new information, not just rehashing stuff we already knew. But that ending though! Wow! As I go - pg 5: so this is very compelling and I'm enjoying it, but the text seems choppy and jumpy. I think it might just need an out-loud read for a smoothing pass to make it flow - pg 6: wait, what is happening on the bridge? Are they taking her somewhere? - pg 7: oh so they didn't overtake her. I'm confused as to what happened on the bridge then - pg 8: She began to sway as well, falling into their rhythms. Eventually they would suspect. These two sentences seem to be at odds with one another. If she is falling into their rhythms shouldn't she be blending better? Why would they suspect? - pg 14: time passage here is confusing. I get that it is meant to be sudden, but I think I need a few more visual clues before it happens. It's very jarring and I had to reread a few times - pg 17: this is dragging now. I feel like we are seeing a lot of the same things, and while I thought we were getting E slipping into more Elder thought, it seems just sort of disjointed. I get that time passage is strange to her right now but reading it feel like we're still in the first ten minutes or so, not really moving forward with the plot - pg 18: so is this a different pillar than she was talking to before? - pg 27: slicing bits of the Ari apart <-- aren't they slicing El now?

@Mandamon I can't speak for everyone but I'm fine if you do two 6K subs if there are two slots open. I'd also like a Monday slot pending space

Overall I don't have a lot to comment on at all! Good progression, good tension, and I didn't even mind all the characters because there was so much movement. The end confused me, as it seemed like some sentences might have been cut off. Like it ended just a touch early. It was interesting to see Mand interact with the others, and I loved his little twist of villain there with the death squad. His emotions are still really stilted, which shows a lot more when his POV butts up against Ril's. You do your best emoting with the apprentices, I think, for sure. But yes, and an easy and relatively smooth read, with only minor quibbles. Good momentum! As I go - wait, there are animals to be hunted in the Net? Where is this novella?? - pg 2: why did the pixies need coins to go to a place that needed workers? I'm missing the logic trail here - pg 5: they're like a giant execution mob! Grab your pitchfork! - pg 7: If he could have spoken to one of the confounded things without it trying to eat his face <-- I laughed - pg 11: I like this blending of all the houses. What fun! - pg 15: He was so sure of himself at the beginning, it seems strange that after one person dies he is suddenly all defeated. It seems... out of character? Or rather maybe that I expect more emotion if he is going to give up. That might be it. - pg 19: I'm confused on timelines. Is Mand working independently of Ril and Ori? Wouldn't they have better communication than that? - pg 24: excellent tension through here! - pg 25: who hadn’t admitted it was dead. <-- the humor through here is excellent - pg 31: well I'm glad someone else thinks this death mob seems a little weird - pg 37: did...the end get truncated?

Ah, no worries! I don't think it was necessarily overboard so much as 1) lack of content tag but 2) it didn't fit the narrative. Thinking about your story further (and I know I didn't finish it, so take this with a grain of salt), I wonder if the real story is actually in this part, with the maids and such. I think it would be really easy to make this just a feast setting, with the hero coming back and everyone talking about all his great deeds, him accepting the praise, talking about the monsters he slew, the women he saved, etc, but all the while, the background is filled with the serving girls just as you have them, some servants being verbally abused, a dog being kicked, etc. Where the hero does nothing. Just a really simple story with these really deep undercurrents could be really powerful.

Congratulations on your first sub! It can be a bit...terrifying at first, but we are all here to help. Overall I only made it through the first six pages due to the consent issues. I'd say, judging from just what I read, that this isn't ready yet for publication. It is mostly narrator exposition and one long feast scene that does not appear to have a narrative arc. What is the story you are trying to tell? Could you show it through actions instead of narrator discussion? Why do we need so many big men at the feast? Could the same be accomplished with just our hero and maybe one or two others, and some actions? What purpose do the maids serve, and do we need to see that over and over and over again? That's the one part that is very well shown, but why? Why is subjugation of women the one strong element of a piece about a hero who kills monsters? If you're trying to show that the real monsters are sitting at the feast with him, I think there are ways that can be done without so much 'here go take these servants to bed.' As I go - there are some pretty severe tense changes in this first page. You started in past and moved into present, then back and forth again. - pg 1: so...narrative structure in short fiction is of course, different than long fiction. But this page is very narrator-driven, and I'm not getting to see much past the first paragraph. Everything is being told me, which doesn't make me like the protagonist very much - pg 1: I think the part where he strolls into manner is actually where your story starts - rich fabrics, best foods--what are these? We don't know anything about this world, so hedging words like these make the story feel flat. You have words to play with it sounds like, so why not use them on some description here? - pg 1: with a lack of other worldbuilding, I ping pretty hard off of men grabbing serving maids - pg 2: woah there. Racial slur (G-ps). That needs a content warning. - pg 2: worldbuilding confusion: this is apparently feudal England, noting the racial slurs and gender imbalance. So why does the queen have her son on her lap? Surely he'd be with any number of nannies? - pg 3: Assist him in all his needs <-- nope, that's a hard stop for me right there, especially without a content tag for the sub. In this time period in Britain I don't think maids would have had any choice but to follow those orders, which means the duke just ordered a rape. If I was reading this in a magazine, I would put it away and not continue. For some clarification, it's not that power plays and dubious consent and whatnot can't be fun in fiction. They can, for sure. But usually when you know the characters, you know the world, the circumstances, etc. Three pages into a feudal monoculture of men and one caricature of a hero, sending women to be raped is not fun. - pg 3: that he turns down the women would help more if I knew anything about him. Oddly, while this is usually applied to female characters in a male-based narrative, but at this stage our hero doesn't pass the Sexy Lamp Test. - pg 4: just as a general note, there are a lot of capitalization and punctuation errors throughout this story as well - pg 4: wait. Blocking and location confusion. I thought they were dining at a table? But now the hero is on the floor and...they're in a field?? - pg 6: I'm generally confused now. We were at a feast, and now we are getting backstory. So he's killing monsters that are...people? Not people? The witches were just women who got old? Possessed men were just neurodiverse? Is that what the narrative is trying to say? If so, could it show it instead of tell us? - pg 6: sensual dancing with a maid. Dislike. And I, personally, would enjoy sensually dancing with a maid. It's not the action, it's the consent problems around it the power dynamic. - pg 6: lap sitting - I have to tap out of this crit now.

I am so ready for this revision Overall A much stronger entry this time around. I thought it started really strong, and some of the dialogue was great! The ending left me a bit meh, however. I thought the order of events was a bit off, and I think it would add more tension if she meets M for the first time in the classroom. Especially if they have a moment where he seems confused by her, even. Also, if this is a love triangle, our hero should probably pay a bit more attention to the girl, too, and not just focus on M (if he is the eventual boink). Could the chapter end with maybe a clearer plot direction? We still need some indication of B plot movement, though I think this time we actually have a B plot so it should be a pretty easy add for just a few sentences to show us where Me is going next? Solid revisions! I liked it a lot! As I go - Yup, that's a strong starting sentence, that is - 100% love that first paragraph. - pg 1: The knife was... I don't know if we need this sentence. It's more fun to just imply what could get her - pg 1: The Demons with enough sentience <-- I loved this paragraph until here. Suggest cutting the rest and ending on a punchier something, like, No, they only cared about how her bones tasted like KFC, even if they were made mostly of instant noodles and pocky. - pg 1: the cries for help are a little cliche and boring. Maybe spice them up? - pg 3: I like it that the bones called to her - pg 4: Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about the fight scene. I wonder if she couldn't have like....accidentally scared the monster off or something? It's so early that her powers just make her seem too strong to really latch onto, and I wouldn't mind a bit of vulnerability, if that makes sense? She's sold as an early college study, so I want...a bit more self doubt? She goes into that fight like a seasoned veteran without any really fear and it doesn't jive with how her age is shown earlier on - pg 4: Her eyes struggled to adjust to the bright afternoon sun, and to continue seeing the world as a human would. <-- I think it would actually read better if you cut from here to right when she starts reading minds. We already have a ton of worldbuilding. Let us marinate a while. Get used to things before more gets put on - pg 5: how does she not recognize her honey-colored hair guy from the alley? This seems suspect. Although I'd rather she see him for the first time right in the classroom - pg 6: It was the guy she’d saved last night <--- effect is lost when done like this, I feel. I'd prefer she sit on the bench, listen to a few thoughts, go to class and WHAM, there is Honey Man, smiling and chipper. - pg 6: You can fall in my lap anytime. <--- *giggles* - pg 7: Ghost-hunter-spy guy <-- wait what? I thought he was just a random victim?? How do we know he is a ghost hunter? I must have missed something -