rdpulfer

- I like that you remind us who Varik is and build some tension around his role - good job calling back to that! - I also like Kang's disorientation after everything he just witnessed with his father. - The conversation seems a little awkward after their escape . . . . there is some info-dumping, but they also being chased? The presentation of the information clashes with the tension in the passage. - I like the end of the passage. I'm really, really excited to see what happens next, just as I was next week. Nice twist!

Okay, it's been re-sent now . . . with the attachment.

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him rotting at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of this development, the hunters of Westenra continue the hunt for Dracula. Westenra's top agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, suffers from mysterious visions and is framed for the death of a colleague. On the run, she confronts Renfield, and both are brought before the Council, an organization of monsters hiding beneath Dallas that opposed Dracula. The Council - consisting of Evelyn, the bride of Frankenstein, the werewolf Bannister and the mummy Rewer - decide to help Van Helsing in exchange for a ceasefire. Meanwhile, after talking to Renfield, the scientifically-minded Stephanie ponders if the events could in fact be supernatural in nature.

Yay! I'm seriously in suspense on what happens next in the Essence of Fire!

I'll submit again next week, but I hope I'm not the only one . . . it was scary quiet last week

The Council helped Renfield take down Dracula, but some of them are still sour on him for his association with Dracula, and the perception that he's only backing the most powerful player (which, at least in the beginning, isn't far from the truth.)

Thanks Shrike76! I'm glad you liked the enemies forced to work together - that's something that also excited me about this novel. Good catch on science as an explanation for the supernatural. I guess it needs to be a believable way of explaining the vampire traits on its one before it be compared with the supernatural. Thanks for also pointing out that Irving's chapter seemed weaker due to the inconsistent moods. Dracula was on the Council - but they booted him off when he started making them a target. This is something else I need to explain in the backstory.

Thanks Mandamon! I know I have a chapter where Irving takes Jason off the search team, but it's very possible it got skipped . . . I might have a missing Irving chapter. The element of faith has been jarring for me as a writer, which is probably not a good sign. It's definitely something I'm going to have to streamline in further drafts, or cut out altogether. Glad the information on Stephanie's mother and sister worked. i was afraid it would get over-complicated. I'm also glad Renfield seems pitiful. Robinski and I were brainstorming on ways I could clarify his position within the Council as a defector.

Robert Renfield has betrayed his Master Dracula and gone rogue, leaving his Master to rot at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, vampire hunter Stephanie Van Helsing is beset with mysterious visions and framed for the murder of a colleague. Going on the run, she tracks down Renfield for more information. After the two narrowly survive an attack by the werewolf Bannister, the two are taken to the Council, which consists of Evelyn - better known as the Bride of Frankenstein - and Rewer, the Mummy Lord. Stephanie agrees to assist the monsters on a peace deal with the humans in exchange for their aid. She then has another vision.

Thanks for helping me brainstorm this. Bannister is the Council's chief agent - something I should probably explain better anyway. Renfield is a defector, but not a particularly trustworthy one. When the Scholomance starts to come into play, Bannister consults with him a little. Then Stephanie goes rogue and captures him, which could be the reason why Bannister is caught into the full moon - he's trying to rescue Renfield when the change hits, endangering both Stephanie and Renfield in the process.

- The first paragraph confused me a bit, since we're right in the action. I take it Dyllis is casting, but the grabbing verb feels more like an attack on her rather than the other way around. Could be Weekly Reader Syndrome. - Thrusting a knife at someone's midriff sounds like a stab, but I was little surprised the man parried it away successfully. - Like the intrigue with the Kingsmen fighting the Duke's harbormaster. - I like the explanation of Influence and how you are differing it from hypnosis, putting more limitations on it. - A good chapter. The mix of action broke up the info-dumping, but it did seem a little tedious towards the end. Still, I'm very curious where this is going now Covelle and Dyliss are on the same plage.

Was hoping to submit tomorrow if it's not too late . . . I just remembered it.

Names are tough because there are so many characters in so many books, TV shows, comics, etc., etc. I wouldn't worry about them too much. Context matters a bit, but as long as Brak doesn't turn into a idiotic cat-person comic relief or Kang doesn't become a time-traveling word conqueror, you should be okay . . . although that would be an awesome twist!

Thanks Shrike76. This definitely was the most infodump-y of the chapters. I'm thinking of changing some things around that might move the story in a different direction, but that's for a different draft. I also think I've made Stephanie's mood a little too mild throughout these first chapters - she seems to adjust to her new surroundings a little too easily. Thanks for the feedback.

Hmmm . . . . that might work. One of the criticisms I've noticed is that Bannister and Renfield's antagonistic relationship doesn't seem to be working. Maybe Bannister and Renfield could be sent after Stephanie (or the scroll) when she goes rogue, and two could be more or less partners in the beginning. What do you think?

- It might just be me, but I can't read the name "Braks" without thinking of Space Ghost Coast to Coast. - As I said before, I really like the suspense of these last few chapters, as Kang and his friends are in danger . . . or worse. - I'm not a big fan of all caps in prose, as seen when Cali yells at Kang following the stabbing of the guard. There are other ways of show the emphasis in her voice. - I really like his father's transformation into an owl-neehut. Very good, and i really like the desperation as Kang has to watch it all unfold. I really am anxious to see what happens next.

Yeah. The only problem is whoever I pair him up with will probably know something is up, especially when he starts hiring bounty hunters left and right.

Thanks Mandamon and Asmodeon! @ Mandamon - I agree there are too many throw-away lines in this section regarding Bannister's backstory, which are never really picked up again. I also need to set up why Westenra hunts monsters in the first place and what the political landscape is. I also agree I need to make Stephanie less trusting of her new allies. @ Asmodeon - It definitely feels like I've made Renfield's knowledge base of Dracula too inconsistent and inconsequential. I need to point out what he knows and doesn't know and keep it consistent.

Thank guys! @shrike76: I'm really struggling to bring in the religious themes myself. I am personally religious, but the last thing I want this to be is preachy and one-dimensional. I was trying to step out of my comfort zone, but clearly I need to figure out a better way to integrate it into the story. @Kammerite & Robinski: I'm wondering if Irving doesn't need a Watson character to reveal these things to. It feels weird to just have them thinking these things, and he's mostly isolated though the first 3rd or so of the story.

Robert Renfield has betrayed his master Dracula, leaving him trapped at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of this development, the vampire hunters of Westenra Corp continue the search for Dracula and his ilk. Their lead agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, suffers from strange visions. Framed for the death of her colleague, she goes on the run, and confronts Robert Renfield. After narrowly escaping an attack by the werewolf Bannister, Renfield and Van Helsing are now being transported by Bannister to meet with the Council of Others, the mysterious group of monsters who equipped Renfield to betray Dracula. Apologies in advance for the length. There's a lot of information in this chapter about the Council and the Scholomance.

Thanks Kammerite. I think i need to describe the train car a bit more . . . it's one used for carrying cattle . . . but I need to clarify some things, it sounds like.

Thanks Kammerite . . . those are some of the big issues I'm working with. I knew Bannister's arrival was going to be a problem. I'll have to come up with another reason to have him in that time and place. Thanks again for the notes.

Planning to submit the regular Scholomancer update next week if there is room.

- Again, I love the titles of the chapter headers. - The flashback of Benam pulling the levers is a little out of place, since it was only a couple chapters ago. It seems too similar to what we already read . . . it might be better to see new information, even if it is just Benam seeing this experience differently over the years. - I like Alma and Benam's interplay, but her faith is a little contradictory to her world-weariness. I don't think she should appear to blindly follow whatever the king says. - I also liked the last line of the chapter as well

- There's plenty of suspense in this chapter. I think that prevents the feeling of infodumping because we are really excited to see what happens next. - You might want to give the soldier a name. As it stands right now, he's "Redshirt" or "Unfortunate Test Subject". - The latter part of the first scene does feel a little infodump-y, but mainly because the Cali is prattling on and on. - When Kang thinks "everyone knows Archdruid Drapkip was responsible . . . ", it almost immediately calls this information into doubt because it's a foregone conclusion. Plus, their organization is called the Inquisition . . . not the friendliest sounding name . . . so I'd be careful with any twists surrounding this organization, because the reader might see them coming. - The ending is a little abrupt. I want to see some reaction from Lumi or something. - Otherwise, I think I am intrigued where this is going and I want to see what happens next.