Certified Gay Disasters

[Aeoryi she/her]

16 minutes ago, momadrac said:

have crushes on 2 or more people at once and i'm not sure if thats normal

having multiple crushes at once doesn't make you poly, but having multiple relationships at once may

Edited yesterday at 06:40 PM by Aeoryi

[momadrac they/them]

7 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

having multiple crushes at once doesn't make you poly, but having multiple relationships at once may

huh okay thanks

[Kansas Stormcursed he/him]

1 hour ago, momadrac said:

one of us

one of us

one of us

welcome

good more or less

its gay month

i figured out i have enby tendancies

i might be poly? idk i'm fine with 1 person relationships but i also tend to have crushes on 2 or more people at once and i'm not sure if thats normal

help

Huh nice

Not to object to poly, idgas, but yes that's fairly normal. *Cries in single bisexual crushing both ways*

[Usseewa]

3 hours ago, Ink and Embers said:

Awesome!!!! *hugs*

Don't worry about names!!! Your name is supposed to be good for you, so whichever you feel most comfortable with is best.

Do you want us to try and call you another name on the Shard so you can try it out? (the Internet is often a good place to trial names, and if you don't want to do it on a public site, you can try things such as changing what your calendar / Spotify account / YouTube account (if you just lurk) calls you)

Uhhhhhhhhhhh

yes

hehe

 

Ash

 

Porfa call me Ash

To try

Heheheh

 

I'm honestly having some very confusing feelings in the past few days. Past two maybe. Or three. I lose track of time, I thought multiple times today that it was already Friday...

I journaled about everything a fair amount (I've gotten back into journaling as of a few weeks ago and have been doing it every day or nearly since). Like... where to start

I mean also there have been changes that could be impacting it. I got a new med around the same time or a day before I started thinking about this. I also changed my presentation a bit (dyed hair, finally wearing shorts, other stuff too). Like also I'm wearing what i call to myself my depressing hoodie cuz it's black and either makes me more depressed or dysphoric when i wear it or that's just my imagination.

oh yeah im depressed again tehe

now that the worst anxiety has lifted im tired and depressed. yay...

or maybe i was already tired and depressed idk.

but uhh.... im just questioning everything about my gender and sometimes i hate it and idk

and like for maybe an hour or less i felt strongly like Ash and was even gonna test run it with my dnd group, but then i backed out and like didn't feel it *as* strongly/intensely? And everything is weird *gahhhhhh*

i considered genderfluid but idk

i worry im just thinking im enby cuz im depressed or dysphoric or something else

but i also have never liked having gendered terms used on me

at least not the feminine one and

i for the life of me cant remember/know if the masc ones bothered me or not, and

that makes me worry im actually just cis/male

and that all of this was a waste or smth

even though ive changed SO much, for the better and some for the worse, but I finally feel human

so that's good

but i used to, and sometiems still, disliked when people used they/them pronouns on me (in a good-intentioned way, ofc). Then other times it was nice. Though also that was before I was out, and it was an alternative to the other...

Sometimes I kinda want no pronouns or gendered terms, and sometimes not even a name. Maybe just cuz I don't like whatever i was/am using in that time.

and i know there's such a thing as agender, and im not sure

And i could be enby but they/she or she/they, right? (as opposed to they/them, or something else.) What if im masc...

i feel a sense of either masc or like.......  fem and enby, or masc enby or masc fem (like a girl but kinda masc. I think there's a word for that, demiboy or demigirl or smt or demiguy, right?)

but......... idk

cuz i just feel like im switching everything up every so often

from music taste to clothing to my name or username or pronouns ughhhh

my music taste has went from sabrina carpenter olivia rodrigo katy perry etc. to nirvana grunge stuff to j-pop to indie rock and random new stuff rock/metal (or, back to?)

and my clothing/style is shifting too, and like... idk. And same with what colors of clothing i like, what types, and ughh it feels like nothing is real/permanent so why bother and why commit and why enjoy it too much if it'll go away/change?

How can I say I'm a girl or an enby or whatever? How can I say "I like _____" (skirts, purple, fingerless gloves, hoodies, black, etc...)?

My interests, too. Everything I like and enjoy or once did. Who I am.

I'm so confused...

 

[Adonalsium Will Return He/him]

@Usseewa-

Both Can Be True by Jules Machias

IDK, but this is something I read a bit ago. Might help, might not, just figured I'd send it.

Edited yesterday at 10:25 PM by Adonalsium Will Return

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

Uhhhhhhhhhhh

yes

hehe

 

Ash

 

Porfa call me Ash

To try

Heheheh

 

I'm honestly having some very confusing feelings in the past few days. Past two maybe. Or three. I lose track of time, I thought multiple times today that it was already Friday...

I journaled about everything a fair amount (I've gotten back into journaling as of a few weeks ago and have been doing it every day or nearly since). Like... where to start

I mean also there have been changes that could be impacting it. I got a new med around the same time or a day before I started thinking about this. I also changed my presentation a bit (dyed hair, finally wearing shorts, other stuff too). Like also I'm wearing what i call to myself my depressing hoodie cuz it's black and either makes me more depressed or dysphoric when i wear it or that's just my imagination.

oh yeah im depressed again tehe

now that the worst anxiety has lifted im tired and depressed. yay...

or maybe i was already tired and depressed idk.

but uhh.... im just questioning everything about my gender and sometimes i hate it and idk

and like for maybe an hour or less i felt strongly like Ash and was even gonna test run it with my dnd group, but then i backed out and like didn't feel it *as* strongly/intensely? And everything is weird *gahhhhhh*

i considered genderfluid but idk

i worry im just thinking im enby cuz im depressed or dysphoric or something else

but i also have never liked having gendered terms used on me

at least not the feminine one and

i for the life of me cant remember/know if the masc ones bothered me or not, and

that makes me worry im actually just cis/male

and that all of this was a waste or smth

even though ive changed SO much, for the better and some for the worse, but I finally feel human

so that's good

but i used to, and sometiems still, disliked when people used they/them pronouns on me (in a good-intentioned way, ofc). Then other times it was nice. Though also that was before I was out, and it was an alternative to the other...

Sometimes I kinda want no pronouns or gendered terms, and sometimes not even a name. Maybe just cuz I don't like whatever i was/am using in that time.

and i know there's such a thing as agender, and im not sure

And i could be enby but they/she or she/they, right? (as opposed to they/them, or something else.) What if im masc...

i feel a sense of either masc or like.......  fem and enby, or masc enby or masc fem (like a girl but kinda masc. I think there's a word for that, demiboy or demigirl or smt or demiguy, right?)

but......... idk

cuz i just feel like im switching everything up every so often

from music taste to clothing to my name or username or pronouns ughhhh

my music taste has went from sabrina carpenter olivia rodrigo katy perry etc. to nirvana grunge stuff to j-pop to indie rock and random new stuff rock/metal (or, back to?)

and my clothing/style is shifting too, and like... idk. And same with what colors of clothing i like, what types, and ughh it feels like nothing is real/permanent so why bother and why commit and why enjoy it too much if it'll go away/change?

How can I say I'm a girl or an enby or whatever? How can I say "I like _____" (skirts, purple, fingerless gloves, hoodies, black, etc...)?

My interests, too. Everything I like and enjoy or once did. Who I am.

I'm so confused...

 

I mean I've kinda given up at this point; I say I'm transfeminine so that way it encompasses a broad area rather than a specific point. Also easier for other people to understand.

bigender also exists and no it is not necessarily exclusive to binary genders, as does genderflux. If I'm playing devil's advocate here, you're not really looking at agender as different than non-binary. Also, non-binary encompasses a lot of different gender identities, kinda like the term "queer". 

Pronouns are unrelated to gender; anyone has the right to use the pronouns they want regardless of other labels. for example, I still use he/they/she pronouns but that doesn't make me genderfluid or whatever. 

 

[Deception He/Him]

10 hours ago, momadrac said:

but i also tend to have crushes on 2 or more people at once and i'm not sure if thats normal

That is "normal", or at least it isn't a guarantee of being poly by itself.

But if you really think you're poly then you're probably right.

[Aeoryi she/her]

being polyamorous involves multiple partners at once, which means that you don't just want any of your crushes, you'd want more than one at a given time, or like especially if you already make relationships while being already in relationships (with no intention of discarding either), then that would be a pretty big indicator of potential polyamory. 

That being said, I'm not really polyamorous or involved in a polycule. but it is a pretty... confusing thing. 

a lot of people go "hey I'm feeling this, does this mean I'm <insert term here>" and the answer is typically just going to be irrelevant because at the end of the day whether or not you call yourself gay or straight is completely dependent on your personal preferences. Those preferences should be prioritized as defining your preferences is more important than finding the right sticker to fit the job.

[momadrac they/them]

thank you guys!!

idk i'll just let this be and prolly reexamine it later

i don't think i'd be opposed to dating both at once but that also feels really wrong (i bet society did this) 

so i dunno

only problem is now that i have a crush on two really sweet & cute enbys

help

[Usseewa]

20 hours ago, Adonalsium Will Return said:

@Usseewa-

Both Can Be True by Jules Machias

IDK, but this is something I read a bit ago. Might help, might not, just figured I'd send it.

Thanks

I might look into getting that but i cant right now 

thanks tho

20 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

I mean I've kinda given up at this point; I say I'm transfeminine so that way it encompasses a broad area rather than a specific point. Also easier for other people to understand.

bigender also exists and no it is not necessarily exclusive to binary genders, as does genderflux. If I'm playing devil's advocate here, you're not really looking at agender as different than non-binary. Also, non-binary encompasses a lot of different gender identities, kinda like the term "queer". 

Pronouns are unrelated to gender; anyone has the right to use the pronouns they want regardless of other labels. for example, I still use he/they/she pronouns but that doesn't make me genderfluid or whatever. 

 

thanks tess

idk, genderflux sounds maybe relatable to me, but idk im so unsure about everything and just feel very different than I did recently. might not even have to do with gender, who knows?

but i don't know what name or pronouns to use, like i kinda panic a little when i think of it? This is recently, at least. i don't feel female, am im too scared to consider if i feel male (cuz im scared ill end up detransitioning). I feel kinda enby but it's hard to describe, and a lot of it is presentation and how I feel? Idk what to feel or say though in case it's wrong or not good. I kinda feel like someone I know who's enby. At least I feel like how they look and act? Idk. But then I worry I'm just copying them...

I just feel weird also, about my body kinda. I also looked in the mirror this morning and im wearing not a hoodie anymore but a different cardigan type thing and anyway my shoulders looked so broad and i hated it and hated it and idk ugh i wanted to make them less wide/broad but i cant and couldnt, i tried pressing my arms up against myself or hunching or dropping shoulders or moving them around and it didnt work so i just gave up cuz i had to leave for somewhere anyway.

TW SH

Spoiler

I'm also wearing shorts for the first time in forever but they all show my scars and it's uncomfortable especially around people who don't know about it and so idk I've been trying to hide them and like idk

and idkkkk

i look at my face and am reminded of this ugly photo i took of myself last year that i hated and hate and ugh i hate that my face still looks like that even if the hair makes it much better. i wish i could change my eye color (no contacts or anything, just like "magically") and my face shape, or like yeah so I'm not reminded of how i used to look and i stop seeing it. also my hair is weird and doesn't look that good cuz idk. the dye is great but the shape isn't... It looked amazing after the hair dye stuff but now i haven't really like done much to it (comb/brush, hair products, etc. Aside from, like, washing it, yk) and haven't had much time anyway, so idk

but i look like a mess imo

but my outfits are rlly nice i think, at least i like them but.... there's something about them.

but idk what to do or who i am anymoree

i hate myself cuz of something 

ughhhh

help

 

and can i take hrt even if im enby?

do i even need/want it...

(im currently taking it, btw)

idk i... HATE the thing i used to be, and i love who I've become both in mind and body like clothing and stuff. I feel finally like i can be someone and allow myself to find out who that is, kinda. So like.. i feel.. somewhat content or satisfied, even if not fully? I don't know if that's a good thing or not, though. I feel like I'm finally someone I like, which I guess is good but I'm scared that since I stopped hating myself/my body as much, then that means I'm not trans? Hmm, haven't expressed/thought that yet. cool.

ehat do i do and what do i want?

i... did have a daydream-ish, lying in my bed yesterday writing in my diary. I think it wss yesterday, at least...

But I imaged Ash, who looked exactly as I did and wore the same clothes, but (idk Ash's pronouns but I used she/her?) she was like.. who I wanted to be, kinda. I pictured her confident, like actually confident and comfortable, and.. playing sports, which I basically don't do, but kinda might want to? At least in theory. It seems too late for me now tho...

Anyway...

Yeah.

And when I think of "me", I don't know what name to use... and i don't like it really...

i feel like i hide a lot, though.

oh ado i must look so awkward

but sometimes i *am* like Ash, i think. like with my d&d group, cuz I've been with them for a while now and they're... kinda like friends, yk? Idk. And Sometimes i feel like that too with other people, and can actually talk and be engaged and interested and talk and have a ... different ... posture (as in, sitting up and not hunchback-of-notre-dame, head down kneading hands type crap). Sigh

anyway..

ive also just been sad and tireddddddd

cuz I haven't been getting quite enough sleep lately

oh ado..

ive been falling asleep (not literally, though. Sometimes almost..) basically all times of day, morning afternoon evening etc. by the time it's evening or late evening i basically can't stay awake. possibly from meds too hehe.. they make me ssssleeeppyy

but how can i tell if tiredness or depression or dysphoria or somethingggg

how can i tell difference?

and.........

idk

coughcoughimjustramblingatthispoint

idk i just feel no connection to gender

hmm

idk

howdo i know if its from meds or not thoooo?

ugheeeepphshshhsshwkwkwoosossjsm