Robinski - 200210 - TCC Chapter 19 (25) rewritten - 4127 words (LV)

[Robinski]

Dear all,

 

It's the déjà vu again!

 

Sorry to subject you to another rewrite, but at least there are some new scenes here, and less chum, I hope.

 

Any comments at all are much appreciated.

 

Best, Robinski

 

Chapter Summary:

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;

02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;

03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT;

04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem

05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;

06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;

07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;

08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;

09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;

10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;

11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;

12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;

13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.

14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes.

15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves.

16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos.

17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future.

18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 

19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time.

20 - Finally, after some prep in the chopper, Q and M arrive in YK. They meet E and a friend of her's who is helping her. They are attacked my a couple of Mts, then see a pair of VRs.

21 - Our heroes drive to BR's house, encounter a roadblock and pull a ruse on the National Guard there. At the house, they search until they are 'set upon' by more nasty T/F.

22 - After battling the Sparkles, the group is rescued by the National Guard, but taken to the YK sheriff and jailed. DM appears at the jail.

23 - Confrontation between Q and DM in the jail, Sheriffs K and K (hmm...) arrive, but DM escapes. Kr releases the group into his custody. A rude awakening leads to the revelation of Q's son.

24 - Q and E share a drink and deduce that TOM has perpetrated an even bigger fraud on the North American people than first thought. PL suspends the election.

25 - Q&E reveal their suspicions, convincing Kr to go after T&Me. Kr is no at odds with Ko and skating close to the edge. From D's house, they go to the hiding place.

[Mandamon]

Here 5 minutes later! ;-)

Definitely a better chapter. I think the ending changed that our heroes got the drop on the special forces, rather than the other way around? In any case, it's more exciting. The tension was also better. No real comments on the trek to the island and back, save that I don't know it needs to be that long. Was there any other significance other than getting weapons? I still don't know why the raptors are there, so that part's just sort of confusing me and taking my attention away from the emotional responses. I'm also not completely sure where they go at the end of the chapter. Were they going to T's house? Whoever it is, D seems to know them, but not E?

Notes while reading:
pg 2: "attempting to terraform Earth from the top down"
--to what? Is he trying to destroy Earth, or make it better? Is there a reason Earth would actually need terraforming from climate change or something?

pg 3: "I always thought J ruined us, but it was him. I bet cloning a son was his idea, that his money paid for it, and his lab did the work."
--TOM's idea or DMs? Also, this is a big shift in thinking from the last book. I know there was some talk about it before, but I'm not sure it's enough to justify the whole shift in perspective here.

pg 12: "The velociraptors moved with them like part of the group"
--It's still bugging me that we don't know where the raptors are from or who sent them. Are they just following their quarry because they found the group before? Did DM send them? If so, why hasn't he acted?

pg 12: “On the left, six doors down"
--I think I missed something in the trek to the island. Why are they here and who are they looking for at this house? Who is Jan. C?

pg 13: "squeaky slightly" -. "squeaking slightly"

Pg 13: "impossible’ dinosaurs"
I mean, they aren't, because we were told how they were created back at the beginning. Dunno, the quotes just threw me.

pg 13: "the raptors remained standing in the road."
--Need some sort of justification for why they're here and why they conveniently stand outside houses.

pg 14: Yep, still confused on who they were looking for and why they ran into the special agent instead.

pg 14: “(DM) Is one of the hostages. Stand down, now!”
--That's new!

pg 15: "Why are velociraptors shadowing us?”"
--glad he asked, though I don't know why MC would specifically know.

pg 15: I think there's too much space between "level three" and D's explanation. I stumbled over it both times.

[Sarah B]

Agreed! Much better!

The extra fine tuning made a big difference too.

Just a few small things:

25%: Q wanted to 'grip K's muscular forearm' with the phrasing it sounds like Q is admiring his arms and wants to touch them, but given the context I don't think that's the intent. 

The snow squeaking on their shoes: does need the rephrasing that @Mandamon recommends, but I love the sensory description.

Near 75% all ends converge on G... I like the work around you used here. It does feel convient and like a trap. Having Q acknowledge this let's me accept it and carry on. 'Hang a lantern on it' done well

On 2/10/2020 at 7:24 AM, Mandamon said:

 

pg 15: I think there's too much space between "level three" and D's explanation. I stumbled over it both times.

Agreed, on first read I thought the first mention had been edited out because I didn't notice it and had to go back to find it. 

Nice work on this chapter! Thanks for sharing

[Silk]

Overall: This is definitely a better chapter. I still don’t think it entirely fixes the problem with the last version (at least not with the information that we have now), which to my mind was that there’s no actual payoff  for getting to their destination, specifically. We have the throwdown with the Bureau, but that could have happened, say, at D’s place, or halfway across the ice, etc. But we’ve been chasing MR and TT for so long, first to MR’s house and then to this specific destination, that I think readers will still want some sort of payoff for it.

Also worth noting: I have the impression that MR and TT haven’t actually been here for a while, which sort of begs the question of why there are still four FBI agents in tactical gear hanging out an empty house.

As I go:

P2 Minor, but “no doubt considering if she could trust him” and then this sentiment is repeated in the dialogue.

Q is obviously having a hard time with some of the stuff he’s learned. I like it. Still feel like we could have a little more of this, though. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that the text has to repeat itself ad naseum, but I’m interested to see the emotional stuff actually start to get in the way.

P4 E-C is written a couple times with an extra S on the end but I don’t think that’s how it’s been written previously?

P5 “lacky” should be “lackey” unless it’s like the e in “whiskey”?

“An interstellar terra-forming company… Think bigger.” I still feel like Q has a better sense of TOM’s motivations and endgame than we do as readers. That’s still missing for me, a little bit, in terms of the stakes. What does TOM actually want, aside from the general/obvious motivation, which is more power and control? So he’s managed to install a dictator (or get closer). What are the consequences?

Yep, name checking the curfew helps.

“…bigger teeth, sharper claws, better ordnance.” Good line.

Bottom-ish of p7, even on the second read-through it took me a second to realize that M was swearing at Q because he had startled her.

“Have you told them they don’t eat humans?” Also a good line.

I forget if this was there in the last draft – it probably was – but I like the juxtaposition of the aurora with the dinos’ eyes.

Okay, so the DS protocol. E comments that Mor must have deactivated the protocol on all of the beasts he’s released, which makes sense. Still, wouldn’t that have made it into the news? And/or Kr would have asked the question a lot sooner, because really, anyone’s first question who’s familiar with the law would be “Why is this still a problem.”

P10 “before he misted with some substance…” missing word after “misted” perhaps?

Bottom of p12, “guessing I won’t matter” should be “guessing it won’t matter”

Minor, but a law enforcement officer in the process of arresting Q would probably call him by just his first or more likely his last name, not a nickname.

I’m a little confused by the blocking on p13/14. The characters seem to be heading into a standoff with the comment about the agent looking down the barrel of Kr’s pistol, then E and D come in the front without being forced there by an agent and collecting… whose weapons? Are the “black forms” sitting on the floor Q, M, E and D? If so, why isn’t Kr being arrested with them? If they’re the FBI agents, why didn’t they put up any resistance, especially when they seemed to have no problem arresting Q and M?

Agent P also seems to be giving up a lot of information somewhat too easily given how adversarial this situation is. I definitely think we need the info, but the way it’s being presented doesn’t quite ring true for me here.

On 2/10/2020 at 7:24 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: “On the left, six doors down"
--I think I missed something in the trek to the island. Why are they here and who are they looking for at this house? Who is Jan. C?

This made sense to me. I'd had it flagged as "the government parked in the neighbour's driveway as part of the stakeout." 

On 2/10/2020 at 7:24 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: I think there's too much space between "level three" and D's explanation. I stumbled over it both times.

I thought it was fine in the first version, but here I agree. You might be able to help readers by giving us a quick reaction out of D, a surprised swear or whatever, when it's first mentioned to flag that it's significant. Has the advantage of breaking up Agent P's call a little bit, too. 

[kais]

Ah, this should be fun since I just finished the last one!

Overall

I didn't dislike the last version, but I will say that this one is much cleaner and has few nicer beats to it. E gets a bit of a personality upgrade, there's more movement, and less 'the caller made this happen.' Very much improved and I enjoyed it a lot!

6 hours ago, Silk said:

I still don’t think it entirely fixes the problem with the last version (at least not with the information that we have now), which to my mind was that there’s no actual payoff  for getting to their destination, specifically

Yes, I agree with this too. A bit of payoff would be nice.

 

As I go

- pg 2 and E is already SO MUCH BETTER

- pg 2: oh thank you for the reminder about D!

- pg 4: ignoring an urge to grip K’s muscular forearm <-- was this in the original?? I love it

- pg 5: Do not give that adolescent a weapon, do you hear me?” <--- I think I liked it better as 'child', because it showed the attitude behind it

- pg 9: still love the lesbian revenge line

- pg 11: Guns made him uncomfortable, unlike M and her new pal D. <-- I don't understand this sentence

- solid ending!

[Robinski]

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

Here 5 minutes later! ;-)

 

Many thanks for commenting  

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

Definitely a better chapter. I think the ending changed that our heroes got the drop on the special forces, rather than the other way around? In any case, it's more exciting. The tension was also better. No real comments on the trek to the island and back, save that I don't know it needs to be that long. Was there any other significance other than getting weapons? I still don't know why the raptors are there, so that part's just sort of confusing me and taking my attention away from the emotional responses. I'm also not completely sure where they go at the end of the chapter. Were they going to T's house? Whoever it is, D seems to know them, but not E?

Right. Good! But, some clarification required, got it. They go to D's house to arm up, but what's not coming through is that they ditch the truck so as to throw off potential tracking / pursuit. That was the intention, but it's not stated explicitly, so I will need to tag that 'out loud' to make it stick.

They are going to the hiding place that was identified from the photos M found in BR/MR's house. I was hoping not to restate that (just to save words). Maybe it's WRS? Maybe not. I'll think on that.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "attempting to terraform Earth from the top down"
--to what? Is he trying to destroy Earth, or make it better? Is there a reason Earth would actually need terraforming from climate change or something?

It was an allusion to Tom attempting to control Earth politics from the top down, but it's not clear, I accept that. I have reworded in a more direct and clear way.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "I always thought J ruined us, but it was him. I bet cloning a son was his idea, that his money paid for it, and his lab did the work."
--TOM's idea or DMs? Also, this is a big shift in thinking from the last book. I know there was some talk about it before, but I'm not sure it's enough to justify the whole shift in perspective here.

Tom. Hmm, okay. I'll think on that, but will clarify it's Tom.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "The velociraptors moved with them like part of the group"
--It's still bugging me that we don't know where the raptors are from or who sent them. Are they just following their quarry because they found the group before? Did DM send them? If so, why hasn't he acted?

Okay. I'll play this through to the 'reveal' as written and see how the turn out plays then revised from there.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: “On the left, six doors down"
--I think I missed something in the trek to the island. Why are they here and who are they looking for at this house? Who is Jan. C?

I've clarified earlier that they are going to the mystery hiding house that D identified from the pictures that M found in BR/MR's house. It was identified as being on Lath island, so I think there's some WRS in this. I think it will read through much clearer considering that I have only subbed 3 chapters (versions of) over the last 8 weeks. Jan C is my attempt to show that D knows lots of people in YK, to imply expertise by showing his familiarity with the area through dropping details. I can reword so it doesn't sound like a character the reader thinks they should know.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "squeaky slightly" -. "squeaking slightly"

Check.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

Pg 13: "impossible’ dinosaurs"
I mean, they aren't, because we were told how they were created back at the beginning. Dunno, the quotes just threw me.

Yeah. I wondered if I'd get away with this. I will reword.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "the raptors remained standing in the road."
--Need some sort of justification for why they're here and why they conveniently stand outside houses.

Yeah. Again, as I wrote this bit I had that niggling feeling this wasn't right. Why would they stay in the road? Will modify.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: Yep, still confused on who they were looking for and why they ran into the special agent instead.

I'm still hoping this is WRS.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: “(DM) Is one of the hostages. Stand down, now!”
--That's new!

I'm trying to reveal through hopefully logical in dialogue references/clues what game DM is playing.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: "Why are velociraptors shadowing us?”"
--glad he asked, though I don't know why MC would specifically know.

I've rephrased the question so it sound like it's asked more in hope than expectation that MC would know the answer. I think it works better. Thanks.

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: I think there's too much space between "level three" and D's explanation. I stumbled over it both times.

Yeah. They used to be right next to each other, but then the rewrite happened. I'll look at that.

Great comments as ever. Thank you for challenging these things, it is soooooo helpful  

[Robinski]

Hey Sarah, many thanks for reading  

On 11/02/2020 at 3:52 PM, Sarah B said:

Q wanted to 'grip K's muscular forearm' with the phrasing it sounds like Q is admiring his arms and wants to touch them, but given the context I don't think that's the intent. 

Ah, well now. There’s some subtext running through Book 1 that maybe doesn’t spring out so much in Book 2, but there are shall we say questions about Q’s sexuality. In his subconscious, but also impinging on his conscious sometimes. These feelings are unresolved, as yet.

On 11/02/2020 at 3:52 PM, Sarah B said:

all ends converge on G... I like the work around you used here. It does feel convient and like a trap. Having Q acknowledge this let's me accept it and carry on. 'Hang a lantern on it' done well

Yay! That’s excellent. Thank you. 

On 11/02/2020 at 3:52 PM, Sarah B said:

Agreed, on first read I thought the first mention had been edited out because I didn't notice it and had to go back to find it.

Yeah, thanks. I’m still working in this. It’s a teaser. 

Quote

Nice work on this chapter! Thanks for sharing

Thank you so much for reading again. Glad it’s closer to being acceptable  

[Robinski]

Hey, Silk. Thanks for reading. Right then... <rolls up sleeves>

G

On 11/02/2020 at 4:12 PM, Silk said:

we’ve been chasing MR and TT for so long, first to MR’s house and then to this specific destination, that I think readers will still want some sort of payoff for it.

Yeah. Okay. I can payoff more at the house if it’s a problem for folks.

On 11/02/2020 at 4:12 PM, Silk said:

Also worth noting: I have the impression that MR and TT haven’t actually been here for a while, which sort of begs the question of why there are still four FBI agents in tactical gear hanging out an empty house.

Again, this is something I can address. 

On 11/02/2020 at 4:12 PM, Silk said:

P2 Minor, but “no doubt considering if she could trust him” and then this sentiment is repeated in the dialogue.

Check. Will fix. 

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Q is obviously having a hard time with some of the stuff he’s learned. I like it. Still feel like we could have a little more of this, though. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that the text has to repeat itself ad naseum, but I’m interested to see the emotional stuff actually start to get in the way.

Good point, and I aim to maintain that as we go from here. 

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P4 E-C is written a couple times with an extra S on the end but I don’t think that’s how it’s been written previously?

Yep. Good spot.

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P5 “lacky” should be “lackey” unless it’s like the e in “whiskey”?

Fair point. It may be. Will check when I get to my Mac. 

Quote

“An interstellar terra-forming company… Think bigger.” I still feel like Q has a better sense of TOM’s motivations and endgame than we do as readers. That’s still missing for me, a little bit, in terms of the stakes. What does TOM actually want, aside from the general/obvious motivation, which is more power and control? So he’s managed to install a dictator (or get closer). What are the consequences?

Right. It may be that this is too big a subject to resolve in week-to-week edits like this. I have a long-term full edit action to review all references to TOM and MC, given that the context changed a bit as it transpired that Q had never spoken to TOM at all, and that the background had flexed a bit, shall we say, as I was finishing the edit, than again somewhat in this round of submission and editing.

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Yep, name checking the curfew helps.

Cool.

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“…bigger teeth, sharper claws, better ordnance.” Good line.

 

Quote

Bottom-ish of p7, even on the second read-through it took me a second to realize that M was swearing at Q because he had startled her.

Argh. I've tweaked again.

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“Have you told them they don’t eat humans?” Also a good line.

 

Quote

I forget if this was there in the last draft – it probably was – but I like the juxtaposition of the aurora with the dinos’ eyes.

It was. Nice to know it works twice  

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Okay, so the DS protocol. E comments that Mor must have deactivated the protocol on all of the beasts he’s released, which makes sense. Still, wouldn’t that have made it into the news? And/or Kr would have asked the question a lot sooner, because really, anyone’s first question who’s familiar with the law would be “Why is this still a problem.”

You ask a fair question, and the issue arises, of course, at the point DM releases all the other TF. The pretext, from recollection is that it was done by the eco terrorists, and that is the story that DM gave to the authorities (off screen). I just need to underline that somewhere here, I guess.

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P10 “before he misted with some substance…” missing word after “misted” perhaps?

Rewritten. Thanks.

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Bottom of p12, “guessing I won’t matter” should be “guessing it won’t matter”

Check.

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Minor, but a law enforcement officer in the process of arresting Q would probably call him by just his first or more likely his last name, not a nickname.

So right. Thanks for catching that.

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I’m a little confused by the blocking on p13/14. The characters seem to be heading into a standoff with the comment about the agent looking down the barrel of Kr’s pistol, then E and D come in the front without being forced there by an agent and collecting… whose weapons? Are the “black forms” sitting on the floor Q, M, E and D? If so, why isn’t Kr being arrested with them? If they’re the FBI agents, why didn’t they put up any resistance, especially when they seemed to have no problem arresting Q and M?

Ooh. Ooh. I've got an idea...  

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Agent P also seems to be giving up a lot of information somewhat too easily given how adversarial this situation is. I definitely think we need the info, but the way it’s being presented doesn’t quite ring true for me here.

Okay. Fair comment. I'll have to have another go at that.

Great comments, as ever! Thank you for reading  

Edited February 14, 2020 by Robinski

[Robinski]

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

Very much improved and I enjoyed it a lot!

Yay! Many thanks for reading two on the bounce, @kais  

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

Yes, I agree with this too. A bit of payoff would be nice.

I think I can engineer this, although perhaps not exactly as envisaged.

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

- pg 2 and E is already SO MUCH BETTER

Excellent.

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

- pg 2: oh thank you for the reminder about D!

YW.

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

- pg 4: ignoring an urge to grip K’s muscular forearm <-- was this in the original?? I love it

It was not, and I thought you would  

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

- pg 5: Do not give that adolescent a weapon, do you hear me?” <--- I think I liked it better as 'child', because it showed the attitude behind it

Good point. This wasn't in reaction to any particular comment. I'll go back to child; it's accurate, and is more Kr, to be fair.

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

- pg 9: still love the lesbian revenge line

LOL

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

- pg 11: Guns made him uncomfortable, unlike M and her new pal D. <-- I don't understand this sentence

Grammar's not right. In the sense that M and D are not uncomfortable around firearms.

On 11/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, kais said:

- solid ending!

Good. I'm hoping it's about to get better still, as I've had an idea in relation to @Silk's comments about the interaction with the FBI.

Thank's so much for reading those back-to-back. That's a very valuable perspective, I feel. Much appreciated  

[shatteredsmooth]

This one was much more satisfying than the last one. Instead of feeling like another false start, it felt like the characters actually got somewhere and had more agency in the situation, especially when it came to Kr. His attack on the agents seemed like a turning point for his character, showed he had fully bought into Q's mission. 

The others mentioned the problem still not fully being fixed. Is there someone way to have them have to work to get this information from the Feds instead of the feds just being lying in wait for them?

On 2/11/2020 at 11:12 AM, Silk said:

first to MR’s house and then to this specific destination, that I think readers will still want some sort of payoff for it.

Also worth noting: I have the impression that MR and TT haven’t actually been here for a while, which sort of begs the question of why there are still four FBI agents in tactical gear hanging out an empty house.

This is also a good question. How long has it been since MR and TT were there? Were they there? Is there any evidence that DM came and took them with a struggle? How long had the feds been there? Was it just a trap for Q & M?

 

I loved the descriptions walking along the ice, and the dinos. I agree it distracts from the emotional arc, but I'm okay with that as long as the Velrs do get some important role to play soon. In this particular scene, I'm more interested in the dinos, the scenery, and the emotion that comes through all that description than I would be in more dialogue or being more in the characters heads. There can  be a lot of emotion and metaphor in nature description, especially given the setting of this piece. 

On 2/11/2020 at 5:58 PM, kais said:

- pg 5: Do not give that adolescent a weapon, do you hear me?” <--- I think I liked it better as 'child', because it showed the attitude behind it

 

Agree. 

On 2/10/2020 at 10:24 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "attempting to terraform Earth from the top down"
--to what? Is he trying to destroy Earth, or make it better? Is there a reason Earth would actually need terraforming from climate change or something?

This threw me a little too. Initially I was thinking it was just about politics, about the election. 

 

On 2/13/2020 at 5:22 AM, Robinski said:

Yeah. I wondered if I'd get away with this. I will reword.

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I liked it...but I can see the point of changing it too.

On 2/13/2020 at 5:22 AM, Robinski said:

It was an allusion to Tom attempting to control Earth politics from the top down, but it's not clear, I accept that. I have reworded in a more direct and clear way.

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Yeah. I was reading it too literally, so I think you do need to reword a little. 

[industrialistDragon]

I'm pretty much with @Silk on this -- while this is a definite improvement over the previous version, I don't think it really addresses the underlying structural issues with the chapter. I feel like there have been a lot of promises made by the text with regard to finding the women and right when we're expecting payoff on those promises, the text seems to slide away. This is something, with the fbi agents there and that's good, but it doesn't feel like what I've been promised. And that is a more structural thing. 

I'm with @shatteredsmooth, in that I'm okay with the raptors for now, provided the attention they're getting pays off later. 

 

As I go:

"took the infant" -- This is really telling detached language. Not "his son," "the infant."  Not saying it's bad, just a veeerrryyy interesting choice of words from Q.  Interesting that E lets it lie, too. Maybe I'm forgetting from prior chapters, but did Q already cover the whole "without his knowledge or permission" part of his son with E? Would this be something she'd poke him about? I don't know. It's just an interesting little exchange/non-exchange.

"Do not give that adolescent" -- I love this exchange every time I read it. It's short and perfect. I'm fine with either child or adolescent.

"Guessin’ I won’t matter" -- it? they?

 

Yes, I am still very disappointed by the ladies not being in the house. This is better than the first version, but I still feel like I've been swindled. I have very hazy memory of this FBI person and I'm not sure about the connection to anything, so it feels like more random faceless G-men. Part of it is still, I think, that we're simply told where the women are. If they just discovered the feds and the feds didn't know what they were talking about and the caller leaned into his Q-connection instead of mentioning the women at all... That sort of feels like a better scenario to me but, I dunno, maybe that would only be pushing the disappointment off for later. Or replacing one disappointment for another. This "the people you want are not really here" thing feels to me like it is more structural, and getting a little ridiculous at this point and I'm not sure that any minor rejiggering of this scene alone will be able to fully avoid disappointment.

 

 

 

[Robinski]

Hey SSmooth, thank you so much for reading. Apologies for the delay in responding.

On 14/02/2020 at 3:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

This one was much more satisfying than the last one.

Yay!

On 14/02/2020 at 3:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

The others mentioned the problem still not fully being fixed. Is there someone way to have them have to work to get this information from the Feds instead of the feds just being lying in wait for them?

I've revised it again since the second version was submitted. So, hopefully this is better now too.

On 14/02/2020 at 3:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

This is also a good question. How long has it been since MR and TT were there? Were they there? Is there any evidence that DM came and took them with a struggle? How long had the feds been there? Was it just a trap for Q & M?

I hope these things are somewhat addressed in the second revision.

On 14/02/2020 at 3:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

as long as the Velrs do get some important role to play soon.

They now have more of a role in this scene. I think the standoff is more satisfying and the VLs have a role in resolving it, unlike in the second version. I dropped one of the calls too, and revised the Level 3 reference so it's smoother.

On 14/02/2020 at 3:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I think I liked it better as 'child'

Yes, this is reverted to the original.

On 14/02/2020 at 3:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

On 10/02/2020 at 3:24 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "attempting to terraform Earth from the top down"
--to what? Is he trying to destroy Earth, or make it better? Is there a reason Earth would actually need terraforming from climate change or something?

This threw me a little too. Initially I was thinking it was just about politics, about the election. 

On 14/02/2020 at 3:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Yeah. I was reading it too literally, so I think you do need to reword a little.

It is about the election. Q was using T/F as a metaphor here, as you now know, but the line did not land. I've revised it so hopefully it is clearer.

Many thanks for the comments  

 

[Robinski]

Hey, many thanks for commenting, ID.

On 16/02/2020 at 8:30 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I'm pretty much with @Silk on this -- while this is a definite improvement over the previous version, I don't think it really addresses the underlying structural issues with the chapter.

Yeah, noted. I think the third version is better again, but probably needs another pass or two. After this edit, I'm going down the alpha read route, I think. To get a more homogenous overview, hopefully.

On 16/02/2020 at 8:30 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I'm okay with the raptors for now, provided the attention they're getting pays off later.

Totally. This now pays off in the third version of this chapter, which it did not in the second (rewritten) one.

On 16/02/2020 at 8:30 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Not saying it's bad, just a veeerrryyy interesting choice of words from Q.  Interesting that E lets it lie, too. Maybe I'm forgetting from prior chapters, but did Q already cover the whole "without his knowledge or permission" part of his son with E? Would this be something she'd poke him about? I don't know. It's just an interesting little exchange/non-exchange.

Yeah. Maybe it's going too far. I'm going to see how it plays in an alpha read. I've got some overarching issues to deal with that I've flagged back through the threads this time around. The whole Q/N relationship is one of them.

On 16/02/2020 at 8:30 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I'm fine with either child or adolescent.

Cool  It's back to child, which I think rings truer for WK.

On 16/02/2020 at 8:30 PM, industrialistDragon said:

"Guessin’ I won’t matter" -- it? they?

Fixed. Thanks.

On 16/02/2020 at 8:30 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Yes, I am still very disappointed by the ladies not being in the house. This is better than the first version, but I still feel like I've been swindled. - Noted.

I have very hazy memory of this FBI person and I'm not sure about the connection to anything, so it feels like more random faceless G-men. - Smidge of WRS, maybe, although SAC P appeared way back in the early chapters.

Part of it is still, I think, that we're simply told where the women are. ...maybe that would only be pushing the disappointment off for later. Or replacing one disappointment for another. - The third version, I think, is somewhat better on this score, but there is an alternative. I'm going to ponder that. It would totally mess with the dynamic of the remainder of the story, BUT, I think it might pay off in other ways. [Note to self: Review B/C]

This "the people you want are not really here" thing feels to me like it is more structural, and getting a little ridiculous at this point and I'm not sure that any minor rejiggering of this scene alone will be able to fully avoid disappointment. - Yeah, okay. See above. I'm thinking on this.

Great comments. Thanks for pushing me on these points. I am pondering!!  

[lizbusby]

Sorry for the late late notes. I am in the Seattle area, so corona virus shelter-in-place prep has overridden my usual writing & reading time for a bit.

Overall, the rewrite works better by eliminating the second phone call. However, there's too much enumerating of what everyone is doing all the time and too little inside Q's head. It gets boring reading stag directions. They could be simplified and written more from his perspective on things.

Several times, the action and the reaction to it are separated by sentences or paragraphs. This doesn't work for me, especially when the action is really startling or odd and would provoke immediate reaction.

 

Notes while reading:

p 3 - "E’s brow furrowed" This sentence implies that she doesn't trust Q, but by the time we've gotten to her actual question on it, I've forgotten this sentence. Somehow those need closer proximity.

p 4 - "This situation has not finished its journey south. It’s still a long way down from here." - These idioms are confusing to me. Is the situation going south or down? Pick a metaphor.

“Call Sheriff K.” - I didn't catch at first that he was talking to his phone. And I feel like the phone call needs to be broken up into multiple paragraphs because it's still not quite landing for me.

p 5 - Seems I’m two thousand kilometres outside my jurisdiction now, and will be detained by just about everyone. - I'm not sure if he's saying this humously or seriously. What emotion is his reaction to the conversation he just had?

p 6-7 - There's a lot of dialogue here without tags. If this were a two person conversation, fine, but since there are several people, you'll probably need to tag it all. I was confused at a few points about who was talking.

p 7 - M, had woken on the wrong side of the wrong bed, in the wrong motel in the wrong city. - I want a visual on this rather than a summary. Sounds funny! Also, no comma after her name.

p 8 - “Where are the houses?” M asked. “They float,” E answered, “until the lake freezes.” - This doesn't quite make sense to me. M's question implies that she can't see the houses, but even if the lake freezes, the houses should still be visible, just not mobile.

Q wished he had half the ex-marine’s assurance. - What assurance? Nothing he said demonstrated assurance. He basically just remarked on the weather.

p 9 - “We’ll be fine,” Q whispered, touching her shoulder. - Why does he feel like he needs to assure her? Maybe show some of the thought process.

p 11 - “Hey,” said Q. “What’s wrong with your gun?” - Again, this is separated from what it refers to by a paragraph. Took me a second to realize he was talking to M and not K.

p 12 - he misted with some substance from an anonymous nano-spray tin - Misted what? I think that "misted" requires a direct object.

p 13 - Through an age of toil, breath puffing before them, mingling with that of the escorting v, drifting into the glorious night sky, they marched, battled and forged through clinging, strength-sapping snow. - This sentence is a bit overwrought compared to the spare prose around it. Looks like an antique china teacup in a roadside pub.

p 15 - I liked the fact that the house was a trap, but I didn't understand exactly how they turned it into a counter-trap. I couldn't follow.

Is the agent he took down the one with the screen of the boss on him? I am confused as to exactly how that conversation ended. And we move too quickly into the mystery phone call for my liking. 

p 16 - “I had six months attached to anti-terrorism in Istanbul,” he said. “Level Three means airstrike.” - Again, this info is really separated from what it's referring to.

[Robinski]

Hey Liz, thanks so much for reading.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

Sorry for the late late notes. I am in the Seattle area, so corona virus shelter-in-place prep has overridden my usual writing & reading time for a bit.

  Stay safe.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

Overall, the rewrite works better by eliminating the second phone call. However, there's too much enumerating of what everyone is doing [done] all the time and too little inside Q's head. It gets boring reading stage directions. They could be simplified and written more from his perspective on things.

Excellent comment. I'm underlining that for the next full edit as, likely, it's something that runs through many more chapters. I've cur some of the enumerating in this one, which hopefully reads better.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

Several times, the action and the reaction to it are separated by sentences or paragraphs. This doesn't work for me, especially when the action is really startling or odd and would provoke immediate reaction.

Right. Thanks for identifying them below. I've modified them all. Thank you  

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 3 - "E’s brow furrowed" This sentence implies that she doesn't trust Q, but by the time we've gotten to her actual question on it, I've forgotten this sentence. Somehow those need closer proximity.

Okay, noted.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 4 - "This situation has not finished its journey south. It’s still a long way down from here." - These idioms are confusing to me. Is the situation going south or down? Pick a metaphor.

I would say, in the context of the first idiom, south is down. That still makes it tautology, of course, so I will address this.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

“Call Sheriff K.” - I didn't catch at first that he was talking to his phone. And I feel like the phone call needs to be broken up into multiple paragraphs because it's still not quite landing for me.

Edited.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 5 - Seems I’m two thousand kilometres outside my jurisdiction now, and will be detained by just about everyone. - I'm not sure if he's saying this humously or seriously. What emotion is his reaction to the conversation he just had?

Tweaked. Good call. Thanks.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 6-7 - There's a lot of dialogue here without tags. If this were a two person conversation, fine, but since there are several people, you'll probably need to tag it all. I was confused at a few points about who was talking.

Tweaked.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 7 - M, had woken on the wrong side of the wrong bed, in the wrong motel in the wrong city. - I want a visual on this rather than a summary. Sounds funny! Also, no comma after her name.

Comma oops, thanks. Visual included.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 8 - “Where are the houses?” M asked. “They float,” E answered, “until the lake freezes.” - This doesn't quite make sense to me. M's question implies that she can't see the houses, but even if the lake freezes, the houses should still be visible, just not mobile.

True. Edited.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

Q wished he had half the ex-marine’s assurance. - What assurance? Nothing he said demonstrated assurance. He basically just remarked on the weather.

That was sort of the point. Q's full of worry, stress, pressure of what to do, and D is talking about the weather. I appreciate this did not land for you! I'll think on it.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 9 - “We’ll be fine,” Q whispered, touching her shoulder. - Why does he feel like he needs to assure her? Maybe show some of the thought process.

Good point. I've inserted a feel from Q.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 11 - “Hey,” said Q. “What’s wrong with your gun?” - Again, this is separated from what it refers to by a paragraph. Took me a second to realize he was talking to M and not K.

I've tweaked this part a little. I can see how the quick-fire responses might be awkward. I was trying something a little different and perhaps it has not come off.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 12 - he misted with some substance from an anonymous nano-spray tin - Misted what? I think that "misted" requires a direct object.

Yeah, this is edited since I posted it, thanks for catching.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 13 - Through an age of toil, breath puffing before them, mingling with that of the escorting v, drifting into the glorious night sky, they marched, battled and forged through clinging, strength-sapping snow. - This sentence is a bit overwrought compared to the spare prose around it. Looks like an antique china teacup in a roadside pub.

Ah, well, you should see some of the roadside pubs in Middle England (as opposed my home of Scotland), but your point is well made. I have de-purpled this some.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 15 - I liked the fact that the house was a trap, but I didn't understand exactly how they turned it into a counter-trap. I couldn't follow.

Fair point. I've edited up with a couple of details that hopefully clarify.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

Is the agent he took down the one with the screen of the boss on him? I am confused as to exactly how that conversation ended. And we move too quickly into the mystery phone call for my liking. 

Tweaked slightly, but I think I'll need to come back to this again in the next full edit.

On 05/03/2020 at 8:01 PM, lizbusby said:

p 16 - “I had six months attached to anti-terrorism in Istanbul,” he said. “Level Three means airstrike.” - Again, this info is really separated from what it's referring to.

Edited now. This was a popular issue!

Thanks s much for the comments, LB, much appreciated