Musician Jokes

[The Invested Beard]

As a drummer and bass player i found these pretty funny:

 

[Terakonin]

In my band we always joked that we were the reverse of a normal band because for the longest time only the bassist and drummer had girlfriends. 

[+Slowswift]

On 10/11/2017 at 9:41 PM, Caesura said:

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor

What do pianists eat with?
A tuning fork

That first one is one of my favorites, but I haven't heard that last one before...

On 10/11/2017 at 9:50 PM, Sami said:

How about in an army base?  

 

On 10/11/2017 at 9:50 PM, Caesura said:

A flat major, of course!! 

...nor that one.  

[Tesh Any pronouns]

On 9/4/2017 at 9:28 PM, Sunchicken said:

This is one of my all-time favorite videos:

 

I got my band instructor to show this to the Adv. band.

Hardly anyone got anything.

 

We also have a whale in the attic of the band room in the schools secret aquarium.

Spoiler

You may ask for clarification, if you wish.

 

[The Forgetful Archivist he/him]

Clarification?

[Sunbird she/her]

4 hours ago, The Forgetful Archivist said:

Clarification?

@Tesh Request for clarification seconded.

[Tesh Any pronouns]

@Sunchicken+@The Forgetful Archivist 

One day in band, (a normal day, mind). we heard a really loud moan. (In the silence after a song) Of course, everyone started laughing. Then this one kid stood up and said it was a whale. 

And so, the legend of the secret aquarium inn the attic of the band room started.

Spoiler

Yah, it's a very short story.

But it's true.

 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

@The Invested Beard !! I play drums and I'm picking up Bass xD

Those were great.

[Shqueeves]

 What does this thread have in common with a viola section? 

Spoiler

They're both really quiet

 

[Sunbird she/her]

My addition to this chart would be 9/8 time: "Kangaroo kangaroo kangaroo"

[Sami she/her]

Spoiler

 

Spoiler

 

Spoiler

*cringe

 

Edited November 3, 2017 by Sami

[Mulk he/him]

8 hours ago, Sunchicken said:

My addition to this chart would be 9/8 time: "Kangaroo kangaroo kangaroo"

long time piano player here...I'd add on 6/4, 3/2...my personal favorites were these two songs, one was 7/4 and the other was 3/4+3/8.  Dont have any cute names for them though...

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

I don't know for sure if this video has already been posted here, but here goes:

 

[Sunbird she/her]

@Firerust Oh my gosh, that made me laugh SO HARD. Thanks for sharing! XD

Related:

[Darjeeling he/him]

There is a serious dearth of tuba jokes in this thread. That must be fixed.

(Disclaimer: I play tuba, and it's great fun)

 

A tuba player walks into a bar, and it cost him $175.00 to have the dent removed.

 

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to do breathing exercises until the room spins.

 

What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a little kid?

A flat minor.

 

What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a military officer?

A flat major.

 

What do you call 2,000 tubas laying at the bottom of the ocean floor?

A good start!

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

What do you get when a percussionist tells a parable?

Cymbalism.

 

What do you call Beethoven?

Dead!

And what's going on when you hear Moonlight Sonata playing backwards in his coffin?

He's decomposing!

 

And here's a story I read:

“As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace’, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I reached the car door, I heard one of the workers say, ‘I ain’t never heard anything like that, and I been working these septic tanks for ten years.’”

[Quickbronze he/him]

I play the piano 

I have no jokes to tell

Meh

[Steeldancer he/him]

On 11/22/2017 at 9:40 PM, Ookla the Rusty said:

What do you get when a percussionist tells a parable?

Cymbalism.

 

What do you call Beethoven?

Dead!

And what's going on when you hear Moonlight Sonata playing backwards in his coffin?

He's decomposing!

 

And here's a story I read:

“As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace’, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I reached the car door, I heard one of the workers say, ‘I ain’t never heard anything like that, and I been working these septic tanks for ten years.’”

That made me start choking with laughter

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

2 hours ago, Run Ookla, run! said:

That made me start choking with laughter

Good.

Except not good if you're dying because of it. Please don't, it's bad for your health.

[Quickbronze he/him]

I have no idea how pianists are viewed by other people so I can't make jokes based on that and I can't think up any corny terminology jokes.

[Sunbird she/her]

HAHAHAHA

I can laugh at this because I'm an oboist.

[Podman]

 

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

 

Did you hear about the stupid pianist who kept banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

 

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."

 

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Edited December 6, 2017 by Ookla the Conflusled
Adding more.

[Sunbird she/her]

I'm not going to explain this one and see how many people get it...

[Podman]

Alcatraz would be rolling around right now if he saw that. 

[Quickbronze he/him]

Unfortunately, I do not