Musician Jokes

[officiumdefunctorum she/her]

This thread seems a little instrumentalist heavy. I welcome your scorn, wielders of bow, mallet, reed and horn, for I am a classically trained singer, and I can take you down like Adolin in a duel of sight reading. Unless you're an accompanist, in which case I bow to your superior skill.

One of my college choral conductors was an extremely intelligent, crazy old man. His name is Fred Stolzfus, and I literally had to write down some of the things he said because they were so ridiculous. There are copies of the St. Matthew Passion and Beethoven's Ninth in the choral library at the U of I that must have a dozen or so random, bizarre quotes in the margins.

I always remember this blunt treasure:

"You must sing it in tune, or else it will sound like s**t."

Edited September 16, 2017 by officiumdefunctorum

[Caesura she/her]

I both envy and admire decent sight readers. My piano sight reading is terrible, and my saxophone sight reading is questionable at best. I couldn't even begin to sight read for singing. However, I can deliver on terrible singer jokes:

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They can't get that high.

[Sami she/her]

5 minutes ago, Caesura said:

I both envy and admire decent sight readers. My piano sight reading is terrible, and my saxophone sight reading is questionable at best. 

Ah same. (except violin instead of saxophone) its horrible and really embarrassing when I ever have to do chamber music or audition/exams

[Sunbird she/her]

I can sightread pretty well on oboe, not quite as well when I'm singing. I'm complete rubbish at it on piano, though. XD

[StrikerEZ he/him]

I can sightread really well on clarinet, though I'm not as good at it on saxophone, mainly because I haven't had time to learn it very well. 

Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: No one knows, no one ever looks at them.

Q: whats the differance between a pianist and god? 
A: god doesn't think he's a pianist

[officiumdefunctorum she/her]

Only reason I'm as good as I am is because my sight singing teacher was a Hungarian woman who took the Kodaly method real seriously, and at any given time I was singing with three different ensembles, plus voice and piano, plus musicianship. My life was literally sight singing. Also I hated the Acapella ensembles at my uni so I took to chamber music out of spite. *shrug* Couldn't make a sound on an oboe or anything else that wasn't tortuous death, though.

[Caesura she/her]

@officiumdefunctorum Just skim-reading something on the Kodaly method. It looks interesting, I'm gonna look into it better when I've got a bit more time. Learning interval relationships seems like a useful way to teach - I'm useless with that, but I have a good memory for the absolute pitch of most stuff I've heard. Possibly a result of playing piano for so long? I've only had a few months of group singing lessons at high school, and a good chunk of that was learning to harmonise with the rest of the group along to a guitar, with no sheet music.

@Sunchicken Sight-reading for piano is a whole different beast! I used to be quite frustrated with myself for not being good at it, but it's the difference between one line of melody on the treble clef, and up to six notes at a time between the treble and bass!!

Here, have a joke to keep this relevant:

[officiumdefunctorum she/her]

Because vocal fachs are ridiculous.

[Sunbird she/her]

@officiumdefunctorum As an alto/mezzo, I find that chart highly amusing.

[Sami she/her]

 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

I can sight read for drums pretty intuitively , not sure for other things. Takes me a little bit to get into the rhythm though.

[Sunbird she/her]

@Darkness Ascendant I can sightread quite well on the drum set when I'm playing Rock Band, but I'm not nearly as comfortable with actual sheet music for drums. XD

[A Budgie she/her]

Fun fact:
The original nick-name of the piccolo was 'the screaming twig.'

[Caesura she/her]

I've seen this a bunch of times, and it never fails to make me laugh.

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

An orchestra is preparing for a big show, when suddenly the conductor suffers a horrible accident. Rather than cancel the show, a one of the musicians is chosen to work in his stead. The show is a fantastic success, so much so, that the orchestra lets the musician conduct for the next 3 shows, as the conductor recovers. Each of these shows are even bigger successes then the one before them. Finally after 3 weeks, the conductor recovers, and resumes his duties for the next show. However, when the musician returns to his seat for the show, his stand partner is surprised to see him. "Hey man." he asks. "Where have you been for the past 3 weeks?"

[Shqueeves]

What's a bell choir? 

Spoiler

Imagine a percussion section in a band. Now make it sound good. 

 

[Sunbird she/her]

One of my friends posted this on Facebook with the comment, "This is why we need the arts."

THAT'S NOT HOW SYMPHONIES WORK.

[Exalted]

21 hours ago, Sunchicken said:

One of my friends posted this on Facebook with the comment, "This is why we need the arts."

THAT'S NOT HOW SYMPHONIES WORK.

I'm hoping that this is a joke, but I really wouldn't put it past some of the standardized testing agencies out there to come up with something like it.

[Sami she/her]

21 hours ago, Sunchicken said:

One of my friends posted this on Facebook with the comment, "This is why we need the arts."

THAT'S NOT HOW SYMPHONIES WORK.

LOL!!!!! I actually really hope this isn't a joke. That makes it more laugh-worthy haha.

Or is it a trick question? 

Edited October 11, 2017 by Sami

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

There aren't enough piano jokes here.

Q: Why is an eleven-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

A: It makes a bigger kaboom when pushed off a cliff.

Q: What's the difference between an accompanist and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why is playing the piano so dangerous?

A: You're always getting into treble.

Q: What do you call a city-dwelling dwarf?

A: A metronome.

[Caesura she/her]

23 hours ago, Firerust said:

Q: What do you call a city-dwelling dwarf?

A: A metronome.

This instantly made me think of The Laughing Gnome by David Bowie ("What's that clicking noise?" "That's Fred, he's a metro-gnome!")

Also:

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor

What do pianists eat with?
A tuning fork

[Sami she/her]

Just now, Caesura said:

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor

How about in an army base?  

[Caesura she/her]

Just now, Sami said:

How about in an army base?  

A flat major, of course!! 

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

A kid says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician!"

She replies, "Well, pick one, 'cause you can't do both!"

 

Why are harps like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

 

Why are organs the instruments of worship?

Because we feel the majesty of God when they start... and the grace of God when they end.

 

Small wonder we have so much air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

 

What's the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you have a good arm!

 

Sheet music for the Dunkirk soundtrack.

[Sami she/her]

Just now, Firerust said:

Why are harps like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

Ha, got that one right. My sister has a harp (full pedal) and unfortunately not a harp trolley. It takes at least 3 strong people to take it anywhere, and two mattresses as well as the aforesaid three strong people to get it in and out of the car (as well as the 8-seater ). 

Edited October 12, 2017 by Sami