Mental health club!

[Verdance he/him]

19 minutes ago, Hoid Slayer said:

Okay umm

I want to say something

I’ve read a bit - not a whole load but a bit - and I just wanna say some things

A lot of you are not ok

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person

It doesn’t mean there’s something broken in you

It means you need help

And for storm’s sake, get out and look for it

And I mean real help, not online forum help

This thread is incredible. Having a space to share struggles, to carry the weight as a group, is incredible. Hell, I wish I had the time to be here more often to carry the weight with y’all.

But there is also something dangerous about a space like this. In an environment where everyone is stuck in self-loathing - in pessimism - the sharing of burdens can become instead an echo chamber. And though it’s nice sometimes to talk with others who go through the same we do, it should never be normalized.

I don’t give a flying fudge if you’re performing. I don’t give a fudge if you’re not worth the effort. If you’re reading this, and I mean this in the best way, get help.

Talk to a psychologist. It helped me so, so much.

Talk to a friend who isn’t struggling as well, and won’t bounce it back at you.

PM me. I’m always here, regardless of who you are.

Please

@#1 Taln Fan I don’t know what’s up with you recently but I think if memory serves me you’ve got some experience with psychology and can maybe help out a little here

Depression sucks. Hating yourself sucks. But it only works if you accept that there’s no way out of it. And that isn’t true. And if you wanna get out of that hole you’re in, you’re going to need to do a good deal more than compare burdens with strangers on the internet

I’m sorry if this comes off as strong as aggressive

But I want the best for each and every one of you

 

This post is awesome.
It’s a great community and an approachable place to start (or at least i thought before Coder mentioned anxiety), but definitely, it does fall short. Definitely go find a therapist if you have suicidal or other self destructive thoughts. It will help so much more.

[Myst He/Him]

On 4/21/2026 at 7:16 PM, CoderDrag0n8 said:

I have long been intimidated by this thread, as I am pretty sure many of the people here hate me, and felt out of place within all of the chaos going on here

Real.

On 4/21/2026 at 7:16 PM, CoderDrag0n8 said:

But I really, truly, am not okay

Unfortunately most people aren’t.

*hugs*

It’s not ideal, and we all wish we could change. Which is a good thing, trying to get help and get better is always good. But that doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up over it, or feel like you’re failing.

Its alright, and you don’t have to be perfect, in fact, you don’t even need to be functional

thats alright, don’t worry about trying to fix everything right now. It’s only going to put more pressure on yourself and make you feel worse for not measuring up. Focus on the small things, you can do it, a little bit at a time. 

[Born of Mist He/Him]

9 hours ago, Hoid Slayer said:

Okay umm

I want to say something

I’ve read a bit - not a whole load but a bit - and I just wanna say some things

A lot of you are not ok

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person

It doesn’t mean there’s something broken in you

It means you need help

And for storm’s sake, get out and look for it

And I mean real help, not online forum help

This thread is incredible. Having a space to share struggles, to carry the weight as a group, is incredible. Hell, I wish I had the time to be here more often to carry the weight with y’all.

But there is also something dangerous about a space like this. In an environment where everyone is stuck in self-loathing - in pessimism - the sharing of burdens can become instead an echo chamber. And though it’s nice sometimes to talk with others who go through the same we do, it should never be normalized.

I don’t give a flying fudge if you’re performing. I don’t give a fudge if you’re not worth the effort. If you’re reading this, and I mean this in the best way, get help.

Talk to a psychologist. It helped me so, so much.

Talk to a friend who isn’t struggling as well, and won’t bounce it back at you.

PM me. I’m always here, regardless of who you are.

Please

@#1 Taln Fan I don’t know what’s up with you recently but I think if memory serves me you’ve got some experience with psychology and can maybe help out a little here

Depression sucks. Hating yourself sucks. But it only works if you accept that there’s no way out of it. And that isn’t true. And if you wanna get out of that hole you’re in, you’re going to need to do a good deal more than compare burdens with strangers on the internet

I’m sorry if this comes off as strong as aggressive

But I want the best for each and every one of you

 

No 

The thought of going to therapy makes me want to curl up into a ball in my room and never leave. I would rather stay depressed than get a therapist.

[Verdance he/him]

10 minutes ago, Born of Mist said:

No 

The thought of going to therapy makes me want to curl up into a ball in my room and never leave. I would rather stay depressed than get a therapist.

Why? You realize that the problem with therapists isn’t that there’s any judgement or guilt, but possibly that they are too nice sometimes? Legitimately, it is a pleasure to speak ti my therapist every time, he always listens, sometimes I interrupt by accident and he’s okay with that, and he is incredibly understanding. 

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

26 minutes ago, Born of Mist said:

No 

The thought of going to therapy makes me want to curl up into a ball in my room and never leave. I would rather stay depressed than get a therapist.

That’s what I used to think too

Then I forced myself to go. I was stressed, and wary, and didn’t expect it to work at all

It did

Trust me, no matter how much better it seems to stay static from where you are, trust me. It’s always easier to do nothing. Professional help - even if you think you don’t need it - is worth it

[Born of Mist He/Him]

41 minutes ago, Verdance said:

Why? You realize that the problem with therapists isn’t that there’s any judgement or guilt, but possibly that they are too nice sometimes? Legitimately, it is a pleasure to speak ti my therapist every time, he always listens, sometimes I interrupt by accident and he’s okay with that, and he is incredibly understanding. 

27 minutes ago, Hoid Slayer said:

That’s what I used to think too

Then I forced myself to go. I was stressed, and wary, and didn’t expect it to work at all

It did

Trust me, no matter how much better it seems to stay static from where you are, trust me. It’s always easier to do nothing. Professional help - even if you think you don’t need it - is worth it

I'm sorry, no, I won't, I can't. Period.

[Denissimo He/him]

11 hours ago, Hoid Slayer said:

Okay umm

I want to say something

I’ve read a bit - not a whole load but a bit - and I just wanna say some things

A lot of you are not ok

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person

It doesn’t mean there’s something broken in you

It means you need help

And for storm’s sake, get out and look for it

And I mean real help, not online forum help

This thread is incredible. Having a space to share struggles, to carry the weight as a group, is incredible. Hell, I wish I had the time to be here more often to carry the weight with y’all.

But there is also something dangerous about a space like this. In an environment where everyone is stuck in self-loathing - in pessimism - the sharing of burdens can become instead an echo chamber. And though it’s nice sometimes to talk with others who go through the same we do, it should never be normalized.

I don’t give a flying fudge if you’re performing. I don’t give a fudge if you’re not worth the effort. If you’re reading this, and I mean this in the best way, get help.

Talk to a psychologist. It helped me so, so much.

Talk to a friend who isn’t struggling as well, and won’t bounce it back at you.

PM me. I’m always here, regardless of who you are.

Please

@#1 Taln Fan I don’t know what’s up with you recently but I think if memory serves me you’ve got some experience with psychology and can maybe help out a little here

Depression sucks. Hating yourself sucks. But it only works if you accept that there’s no way out of it. And that isn’t true. And if you wanna get out of that hole you’re in, you’re going to need to do a good deal more than compare burdens with strangers on the internet

I’m sorry if this comes off as strong as aggressive

But I want the best for each and every one of you

 

That needed to be said, I think. Thanks.
"But there is also something dangerous about a space like this. In an environment where everyone is stuck in self-loathing - in pessimism - the sharing of burdens can become instead an echo chamber. And though it’s nice sometimes to talk with others who go through the same we do, it should never be normalized."
Aptly and accurately put. 
I salute you for that observation. 

Your post might have to be pinned, I think.

58 minutes ago, Born of Mist said:

I'm sorry, no, I won't, I can't. Period.

I shan't press too much.
"The thought of going to therapy makes me want to curl up into a ball in my room and never leave. I would rather stay depressed than get a therapist."
That is a problem unto itself. I feel you need to identify and rectify those feelings before you turn your attention to your depression. That appears, to me, and hopefully you'll elaborate for a clearer picture, that you are afraid of opening up to an individual that is close to you (literally) in real life. Whether it be due to pride or ego, social anxiety, past trauma, etc. Doesn't matter. 

Again, can't comment much more on this without more context.

In fact, and this is for everyone: Here is some reading material. No one said self-improvement would be easy.
- The Concise Laws of Human Nature (Robert Greene) (Careful with this one. Leans into themes that could seriously tilt your development and perspective, and not in a good way)
- The Courage to be Disliked (Some japanese guy) (Great book, Focusses on Adlerian Psychology.)
- The Myth of Sisyphus and other Philosophical Essays (Albert Camus) (If you are religious, you will likely diagree with a lot of the core themes, but not the practical applications.)

 

Edited April 24 by Denissimo

[Born of Mist He/Him]

2 hours ago, Denissimo said:

That needed to be said, I think. Thanks.
"But there is also something dangerous about a space like this. In an environment where everyone is stuck in self-loathing - in pessimism - the sharing of burdens can become instead an echo chamber. And though it’s nice sometimes to talk with others who go through the same we do, it should never be normalized."
Aptly and accurately put. 
I salute you for that observation. 

Your post might have to be pinned, I think.

I shan't press too much.
"The thought of going to therapy makes me want to curl up into a ball in my room and never leave. I would rather stay depressed than get a therapist."
That is a problem unto itself. I feel you need to identify and rectify those feelings before you turn your attention to your depression. That appears, to me, and hopefully you'll elaborate for a clearer picture, that you are afraid of opening up to an individual that is close to you (literally) in real life. Whether it be due to pride or ego, social anxiety, past trauma, etc. Doesn't matter. 

Again, can't comment much more on this without more context.

In fact, and this is for everyone: Here is some reading material. No one said self-improvement would be easy.
- The Concise Laws of Human Nature (Robert Greene) (Careful with this one. Leans into themes that could seriously tilt your development and perspective, and not in a good way)
- The Courage to be Disliked (Some japanese guy) (Great book, Focusses on Adlerian Psychology.)
- The Myth of Sisyphus and other Philosophical Essays (Albert Camus) (If you are religious, you will likely diagree with a lot of the core themes, but not the practical applications.)

 

Thank you. The reason I mentioned how I've been feelings is I firmly believe that I don't need a therapist, I need supportive friends, both online and physically. I'm working on both rn.

The reason I'm not comfortable sharing is I have done terrible, destructive things. I'm not going to go into specifics, but only me and my parents know, and that is how I'd like to keep it 

[Denissimo He/him]

2 hours ago, Born of Mist said:

Thank you. The reason I mentioned how I've been feelings is I firmly believe that I don't need a therapist, I need supportive friends, both online and physically. I'm working on both rn.

The reason I'm not comfortable sharing is I have done terrible, destructive things. I'm not going to go into specifics, but only me and my parents know, and that is how I'd like to keep it 

"Thank you. The reason I mentioned how I've been feelings is I firmly believe that I don't need a therapist, I need supportive friends, both online and physically. I'm working on both rn."
Then I'm happy for you. If it gets too much though, and you might feel like wanting something further or more specialised, a therapist might be in order.

[Lotus Blossom she/her]

y'all i rarely post anywhere anymore but
the other day i was reported to my school by my theatre director
it's not been great.

[Through the Living Hope]

3 minutes ago, Lotus Blossom said:

y'all i rarely post anywhere anymore but
the other day i was reported to my school by my theatre director
it's not been great.

Reported for what?

[Lotus Blossom she/her]

2 minutes ago, Through the Living Hope said:

Reported for what?

omg hi you're here i missed you!

reported for mental health problems.
well, more specifically, they saw some marks on my arms

i'm just terrified that they'll contact my parents.

Edited April 28 by Lotus Blossom

[Through the Living Hope]

8 minutes ago, Lotus Blossom said:

omg hi you're here i missed you!

reported for mental health problems.
well, more specifically, they saw some marks on my arms

i'm just terrified that they'll contact my parents.

 

Im here to talk if you want/need

And if you’d like, you can have my discord/insta

[#1 Taln Fan he/him]

On 4/23/2026 at 9:17 PM, Hoid Slayer said:

Okay umm

I want to say something

I’ve read a bit - not a whole load but a bit - and I just wanna say some things

A lot of you are not ok

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person

It doesn’t mean there’s something broken in you

It means you need help

And for storm’s sake, get out and look for it

And I mean real help, not online forum help

This thread is incredible. Having a space to share struggles, to carry the weight as a group, is incredible. Hell, I wish I had the time to be here more often to carry the weight with y’all.

But there is also something dangerous about a space like this. In an environment where everyone is stuck in self-loathing - in pessimism - the sharing of burdens can become instead an echo chamber. And though it’s nice sometimes to talk with others who go through the same we do, it should never be normalized.

I don’t give a flying fudge if you’re performing. I don’t give a fudge if you’re not worth the effort. If you’re reading this, and I mean this in the best way, get help.

Talk to a psychologist. It helped me so, so much.

Talk to a friend who isn’t struggling as well, and won’t bounce it back at you.

PM me. I’m always here, regardless of who you are.

Please

@#1 Taln Fan I don’t know what’s up with you recently but I think if memory serves me you’ve got some experience with psychology and can maybe help out a little here

Depression sucks. Hating yourself sucks. But it only works if you accept that there’s no way out of it. And that isn’t true. And if you wanna get out of that hole you’re in, you’re going to need to do a good deal more than compare burdens with strangers on the internet

I’m sorry if this comes off as strong as aggressive

But I want the best for each and every one of you

 

Sorry for the late reply! I had a long response typed out but it vanished, and I'm knee deep in finals prep. I very much agree with everything you said, it's very well put. There are some advantages to sharing with others dealing with similar problems, as you'll feel less alone in your struggles and can share healthy coping strategies for things like SH. But it's also true that if it's just bouncing pessimism and hopelessness off each other, eventually it can worsen problems. Which is part of why, as you said, talking to a licensed  psychologist is very important. I know some of you have tried therapy, and it didn't work super well. Either the therapist themself wasn't great, or you didn't open up fully about everything. 

If the first therapist or two isn't great, try another one! They won't be offended. There's a huge variety of different personalities and therapy methods across therapists. Keep trying until you find one you work well with. It's also important to note that you reap what you sow. If you're not telling your therapist everything bothering you, they can't help you fully. If they don't know everything, they can't put together the full picture. Ofc that's hard, but no matter what you're going through, they've heard the same and far worse tons of times, they're not going to judge you. 

 

  

9 hours ago, Lotus Blossom said:

i'm just terrified that they'll contact my parents.

So sorry, that's a rough situation. Do you not think your parents will take it well? Any loving parent would be concerned for you and want you to stop, and even if it's tough to have that conversation, your parents are in the best position to help you, and to get you help if you need it. 

[Lotus Blossom she/her]

12 hours ago, Through the Living Hope said:

 

Im here to talk if you want/need

And if you’d like, you can have my discord/insta

aww thank you 

3 hours ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

So sorry, that's a rough situation. Do you not think your parents will take it well? Any loving parent would be concerned for you and want you to stop, and even if it's tough to have that conversation, your parents are in the best position to help you, and to get you help if you need it. 

thank you 

my parents would probably be concerned, but not in a good/beneficial way, exactly. they wouldn't really understand it and i think they'd naturally feel upset and sad, but i fear that most of that will be directed in anger towards me....

to them, getting a therapist is a worst-case scenerio, so i doubt that will be the result of a conversation with school  more so yelling and "i can't understand why you'd do this" and "do i even know who you are anymore?"

[#1 Taln Fan he/him]

17 minutes ago, Lotus Blossom said:

aww thank you 

thank you 

my parents would probably be concerned, but not in a good/beneficial way, exactly. they wouldn't really understand it and i think they'd naturally feel upset and sad, but i fear that most of that will be directed in anger towards me....

to them, getting a therapist is a worst-case scenerio, so i doubt that will be the result of a conversation with school  more so yelling and "i can't understand why you'd do this" and "do i even know who you are anymore?"

Sorry to hear that  Hopefully they can have a more mature reaction than that. Even if they don't understand it, it's not actually that uncommon. (Up to 27% of adolescents SH at least once in their life, tho a much smaller percentage actually make it known) And if they don't understand why you'd do it, that's precisely why therapists are a good thing, which you can explain. A therapist most of the time will know your reasons better than even you do. If your parents want you to be safe from harm, then a therapist is actually a best case scenario, since it's the best way to help you. (I'm not a psychologist, but I do also have a few strategies for resisting urges that could be helpful, if you want them.)

[Usseewa]

On 4/28/2026 at 10:20 AM, #1 Taln Fan said:

Sorry for the late reply! I had a long response typed out but it vanished, and I'm knee deep in finals prep. I very much agree with everything you said, it's very well put. There are some advantages to sharing with others dealing with similar problems, as you'll feel less alone in your struggles and can share healthy coping strategies for things like SH. But it's also true that if it's just bouncing pessimism and hopelessness off each other, eventually it can worsen problems. Which is part of why, as you said, talking to a licensed  psychologist is very important. I know some of you have tried therapy, and it didn't work super well. Either the therapist themself wasn't great, or you didn't open up fully about everything. 

If the first therapist or two isn't great, try another one! They won't be offended. There's a huge variety of different personalities and therapy methods across therapists. Keep trying until you find one you work well with. It's also important to note that you reap what you sow. If you're not telling your therapist everything bothering you, they can't help you fully. If they don't know everything, they can't put together the full picture. Ofc that's hard, but no matter what you're going through, they've heard the same and far worse tons of times, they're not going to judge you. 

 

  

So sorry, that's a rough situation. Do you not think your parents will take it well? Any loving parent would be concerned for you and want you to stop, and even if it's tough to have that conversation, your parents are in the best position to help you, and to get you help if you need it. 

  

On 4/23/2026 at 10:17 PM, Hoid Slayer said:

Okay umm

I want to say something

I’ve read a bit - not a whole load but a bit - and I just wanna say some things

A lot of you are not ok

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person

It doesn’t mean there’s something broken in you

It means you need help

And for storm’s sake, get out and look for it

And I mean real help, not online forum help

This thread is incredible. Having a space to share struggles, to carry the weight as a group, is incredible. Hell, I wish I had the time to be here more often to carry the weight with y’all.

But there is also something dangerous about a space like this. In an environment where everyone is stuck in self-loathing - in pessimism - the sharing of burdens can become instead an echo chamber. And though it’s nice sometimes to talk with others who go through the same we do, it should never be normalized.

I don’t give a flying fudge if you’re performing. I don’t give a fudge if you’re not worth the effort. If you’re reading this, and I mean this in the best way, get help.

Talk to a psychologist. It helped me so, so much.

Talk to a friend who isn’t struggling as well, and won’t bounce it back at you.

PM me. I’m always here, regardless of who you are.

Please

@#1 Taln Fan I don’t know what’s up with you recently but I think if memory serves me you’ve got some experience with psychology and can maybe help out a little here

Depression sucks. Hating yourself sucks. But it only works if you accept that there’s no way out of it. And that isn’t true. And if you wanna get out of that hole you’re in, you’re going to need to do a good deal more than compare burdens with strangers on the internet

I’m sorry if this comes off as strong as aggressive

But I want the best for each and every one of you

 

 

Okay I just wanna say that I've been opening up in therapy about... basically everything, and even figuring out stuff I didn't know about myself. Recently I talked about SH-related and other "big" stuff, and they were supportive. Like Taln (I think) said, they can only help you if you tell them stuff. I used to... not get much of anything out of therapy, but I was also largely unwilling to talk abut depression or idk, stuff.

Idk *shrug*

But for me it was hard to talk in therapy but I also think it just wasn't the right therapist or smth, or right mindset, idk..

Don't know where I was gonna go with this but yeah reaching out to therapist is good

or something

sorry lol

[Verdance he/him]

47 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

  

 

Okay I just wanna say that I've been opening up in therapy about... basically everything, and even figuring out stuff I didn't know about myself. Recently I talked about SH-related and other "big" stuff, and they were supportive. Like Taln (I think) said, they can only help you if you tell them stuff. I used to... not get much of anything out of therapy, but I was also largely unwilling to talk abut depression or idk, stuff.

Idk *shrug*

But for me it was hard to talk in therapy but I also think it just wasn't the right therapist or smth, or right mindset, idk..

Don't know where I was gonna go with this but yeah reaching out to therapist is good

or something

sorry lol

Good to hear. 

[Lotus Blossom she/her]

On 4/28/2026 at 2:28 PM, #1 Taln Fan said:

Sorry to hear that  Hopefully they can have a more mature reaction than that. Even if they don't understand it, it's not actually that uncommon. (Up to 27% of adolescents SH at least once in their life, tho a much smaller percentage actually make it known) And if they don't understand why you'd do it, that's precisely why therapists are a good thing, which you can explain. A therapist most of the time will know your reasons better than even you do. If your parents want you to be safe from harm, then a therapist is actually a best case scenario, since it's the best way to help you. (I'm not a psychologist, but I do also have a few strategies for resisting urges that could be helpful, if you want them.)

wow i really love how you put that!!

i guess it's not really up to me how the school tells my parents, so the initial conversation isnt even one i get to be a part of. but this definitely helped me feel less alone and more prepared to talk with my family, so thank you <33

[Usseewa]

uggghhh

I'm just feeling very depressed I think and it's kinda all my fault

I basically wasted the last two days doing nothing but using the Shard or watching a bunch of short films about depression and stuff on youtube. and today much the same.

I was feeling happier or something before that (after feeling pretty bad) and then i guess didn't want to feel happy so I ruined it haha.

I don't even know if I'm depressed, but I also can't focus on anything unless it's watching more depressing content. Like, anything... I didn't eat well the past day or two and today, and I overslept somewhat.

I think I'm self-destructive or something (I haven't used the term or know much about it, so idk). Also for some reason I feel like someone else/not myself while writing this post and it's weird...

I could reach out to someone (IRL)... but for some reason I want to wait a few days until I... feel better or something. I get that a lot, where I want to wait until I, say, haven't been on my phone all day in a bit, and so the depression can't be attributed to that... hehe...

Also I just feel bad physically which makes it hard to concentrate too. Like hungry and my stomach feels... acidic or something. Or my eyes feel weird (probably from staring at my screen for hours on end).

CW SH

Spoiler

I don't even feel the urge to cut myself anymore, and haven't really scratched myself in a few days, at least not besides... just doing it once or twice to see if it made me feel anything.

I know this should probably be seen as an improvement, but not to me.

Maybe the urge.. never even existed.

Wait is that self-gaslighting.

haha....

(anyway I'll stop there before I go too far and be cringe)

I just feel like I keep making myself depressed or more depressed and nothing helps, or I just keep going back to it and doing it again after everyone and myself tells me to get off my phone or the Internet, or to stop drowning in depressing crem, stop writing repetitive depressing "poetry" (not sure if it even counts). And I keep posting here or being depressing on the Shard or whatever, but I also have no one else I want to talk to cuz withdrawal, and therapist meetings aren't exactly every single day.

Going back to the physical feeling, I just feel gross and sick, idk. I mean I was kinda sick recently but yeah idk. I just can't do anything tho, but... sit/lay around watching youtube or something. I think I'm tired too, despite getting a good amount of sleep, or at least better than my regular amount.

And I just feel like I'm wasting my time but can't do otherwise. Maybe like I've already "corrupted" my day and might as well just ruin the rest of it. I also don't wanna think about my tasks and the stuff I should be doing. I have texts from a friend from like a week ago I haven't replied to. I have school crem I gotta be doin'. I probably have other stuff I forgot to do. I also have some decisions I gotta make. I got "heavy/big stuff" I've been thinking about a lot and started talking about with my therapist. I also got some other obligations to do. Plus "self-care" crap.

I'm not sure whether I want to stay up all night (either to sleep-deprive myself, be tired, have more time in the day, or all) or just sleep to escape all my obligations and tasks, because it's like when procrastinating when you use the excuse that the day's already over and you're tired, so you'll do it tomorrow... So, I can go to sleep and... lessen the guilt/burden/worry thing. And with the sleep-deprivation thing, I just.. want to not sleep and see what it's like and just be (more) tired and... idk yeah. Now I think I'm being selfish because I also want to not sleep so I can... flaunt it, or something. Or maybe it would just be another cry4help... Sighhhh.

And now I'm just too sick to think, yk? Exhausted, can't stand to think about these issues anymore and... idk, it gives me a headache (even if just a mental one).

I just, I don't know. I feel horrible in my body so maybe I need to get some fresh air or something like is always said.

What I really want to do is lie in bed watching/binging youtube, anime, movies, etc. and not think about anything or anyone or myself. I basically did that yesterday...

But like, why would I do this to myself, yk? I *knew* I shouldn't as I was starting watching depressing stuff, but I also didn't really care, and wanted it, or used a pitiful "it won't make me (more) depressed!" that I didn't even believe.

I somehow don't feel like I can reach out to anyone. This is related to what I said before about wanting to wait a few days to get sorted out or somehow fix my issues a bit and already be on the path toward improvement by the time I reach out.

I also can't even handle people talking anymore, especially to me. I just wear my headphones 24/7 and turn the volume up when around people, and try to keep conversations as short as possible.

 

I also noticed my intrusive thoughts are somehow gone, maybe they have been for a while actually, idk.

TW SH

Spoiler

Also my SH thoughts used to be intrusive in that I didn't want them but now I do and I "like" them and almost listen, or partially do.

Maybe they just "evolved" haha..

*dies from cringe* (I realized that "kill me" really means I'm just dying from perceived cringiness or I'm beating myself up for something.

 

ugh somehow writing this all makes me feel sick(er). I just keep complaining, but when I don't and keep it all inside it feels horrible.

 

edit: and I'm hungry but I just ateeeee  

edit2: I'm havin ice cream to soothe the hunger  

also i just want help, yk? i just want help but... idk. I want to talk. to people. I feel so lonely and deprived or human connection but I also isolate myself.

edit3: I'm probably dehydrated lol. also somehow I'm briefly feeling happier but i still want idk 

Edited May 4 by Usseewa

[#1 Taln Fan he/him]

Spoilered for length

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

I could reach out to someone (IRL)... but for some reason I want to wait a few days until I... feel better or something.

Spoiler

 

Regardless of the reason, the best course of action is to act now, not whenever you feel better. The times when you're at your worst are when you most need human interaction and reaching out to friends/opening up. 

 

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

Also I just feel bad physically which makes it hard to concentrate too. Like hungry and my stomach feels... acidic or something.

Could be diet related, but you'd know best. A balanced diet has some great effects on mental health as well. I'll always recommend that if anyone's struggling mentally, they first look at their diet, sleep, and exercise first, which tend to alleviate a lot of symptoms.

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

Maybe like I've already "corrupted" my day and might as well just ruin the rest of it.

Never too late to turn the day around, but if you struggle this, I'd recommend trying to start off the day first thing with something productive. For me I always spend my first 5-10 mins in the morning cleaning my room/making my bed, before I ever touch my phone. Then it just sets me in a better mindset throughout the rest of the day bc I've alr started off strong

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

I just.. want to not sleep and see what it's like and just be (more) tired and

Consistent, good quality sleep can drastically improve both mental and physical health, so always defer on the side of prioritizing that. 

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

so maybe I need to get some fresh air or something like is always said.

It's always said because it's true, sunlight and fresh air are good for you. Same thing with phone/screen time use. Everyone tells us they're bad for us, but we tend to use them a bunch anyway. Especially this past year I've realized that it really is just the damn phone xD
To me, it sounds like you mostly know what you need to do already. Even if it sucks and you don't feel like it, things won't get better unless you take action, as much as that truth sucks sometimes

 

[Usseewa]

6 minutes ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

Regardless of the reason, the best course of action is to act now, not whenever you feel better. The times when you're at your worst are when you most need human interaction and reaching out to friends/opening up. 

yeah, okay..

sorry but... I'm already feeling some better in the past hour or two so I'll see if i still need to tomorrow or smth. *But* I'll keep in mind and try next time.

8 minutes ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

Could be diet related, but you'd know best. A balanced diet has some great effects on mental health as well. I'll always recommend that if anyone's struggling mentally, they first look at their diet, sleep, and exercise first, which tend to alleviate a lot of symptoms.

My diet probably sucks tbh. I haven't gotten exercise in a few days, and not consistently in... idk a week or more. I had a week or so a bit ago where I got lots of walks... but then my weak legs got sore and I took a few day break which turned into longer. as for sleep .. i don't get good sleep usually.

9 minutes ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

For me I always spend my first 5-10 mins in the morning cleaning my room/making my bed, before I ever touch my phone.

ooh, good idea.

10 minutes ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

Consistent, good quality sleep can drastically improve both mental and physical health, so always defer on the side of prioritizing that. 

When I'm depressed, doing something "happy" or good fir my health like going to bed early ("early" meaning at a good time, since I go to bed "late" usually), I just don't wanna do it and it makes me depressed or something to think about? lol idk.

12 minutes ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

It's always said because it's true

Sigh, yes. For the phone, I guess a weeklong break from the Shard doesn't necessarily work when I doomscroll the internet looking up ...  mental health topics.

13 minutes ago, #1 Taln Fan said:

To me, it sounds like you mostly know what you need to do already. Even if it sucks and you don't feel like it, things won't get better unless you take action, as much as that truth sucks sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I just need to truth kicked into me, metaphorically. Idk I can't explain it right now but there's a specific example I'm thinking of, kind of. Too vague though to explain. Lol.

 

Anyway ...... I guess I'll uhm try that stuff?

It just feels like... it's useless to do the good stuff cuz it's just pushing off depression and stuff, and depression will just come back. Maybe that just turns it into a self-fulfilling prophecy tho ("I'm depressed, but doing something good for me won't help cuz I'll just be depressed again later! So I'll just stay depressed and.. oh") if that makes sense. And now I'm seeing much what you mean by i already got it figured out  

(I'm on phone so I can't really spoiler-for-length)

uhh anyway yeah I guess I'll take a break from the shard yet again lol, and this time try to do something off the Net.

[Verdance he/him]

2 hours ago, Usseewa said:

uggghhh

I'm just feeling very depressed I think and it's kinda all my fault

I basically wasted the last two days doing nothing but using the Shard or watching a bunch of short films about depression and stuff on youtube. and today much the same.

I was feeling happier or something before that (after feeling pretty bad) and then i guess didn't want to feel happy so I ruined it haha.

I don't even know if I'm depressed, but I also can't focus on anything unless it's watching more depressing content. Like, anything... I didn't eat well the past day or two and today, and I overslept somewhat.

I think I'm self-destructive or something (I haven't used the term or know much about it, so idk). Also for some reason I feel like someone else/not myself while writing this post and it's weird...

I could reach out to someone (IRL)... but for some reason I want to wait a few days until I... feel better or something. I get that a lot, where I want to wait until I, say, haven't been on my phone all day in a bit, and so the depression can't be attributed to that... hehe...

Also I just feel bad physically which makes it hard to concentrate too. Like hungry and my stomach feels... acidic or something. Or my eyes feel weird (probably from staring at my screen for hours on end).

CW SH

  Hide contents

I don't even feel the urge to cut myself anymore, and haven't really scratched myself in a few days, at least not besides... just doing it once or twice to see if it made me feel anything.

I know this should probably be seen as an improvement, but not to me.

Maybe the urge.. never even existed.

Wait is that self-gaslighting.

haha....

(anyway I'll stop there before I go too far and be cringe)

I just feel like I keep making myself depressed or more depressed and nothing helps, or I just keep going back to it and doing it again after everyone and myself tells me to get off my phone or the Internet, or to stop drowning in depressing crem, stop writing repetitive depressing "poetry" (not sure if it even counts). And I keep posting here or being depressing on the Shard or whatever, but I also have no one else I want to talk to cuz withdrawal, and therapist meetings aren't exactly every single day.

Going back to the physical feeling, I just feel gross and sick, idk. I mean I was kinda sick recently but yeah idk. I just can't do anything tho, but... sit/lay around watching youtube or something. I think I'm tired too, despite getting a good amount of sleep, or at least better than my regular amount.

And I just feel like I'm wasting my time but can't do otherwise. Maybe like I've already "corrupted" my day and might as well just ruin the rest of it. I also don't wanna think about my tasks and the stuff I should be doing. I have texts from a friend from like a week ago I haven't replied to. I have school crem I gotta be doin'. I probably have other stuff I forgot to do. I also have some decisions I gotta make. I got "heavy/big stuff" I've been thinking about a lot and started talking about with my therapist. I also got some other obligations to do. Plus "self-care" crap.

I'm not sure whether I want to stay up all night (either to sleep-deprive myself, be tired, have more time in the day, or all) or just sleep to escape all my obligations and tasks, because it's like when procrastinating when you use the excuse that the day's already over and you're tired, so you'll do it tomorrow... So, I can go to sleep and... lessen the guilt/burden/worry thing. And with the sleep-deprivation thing, I just.. want to not sleep and see what it's like and just be (more) tired and... idk yeah. Now I think I'm being selfish because I also want to not sleep so I can... flaunt it, or something. Or maybe it would just be another cry4help... Sighhhh.

And now I'm just too sick to think, yk? Exhausted, can't stand to think about these issues anymore and... idk, it gives me a headache (even if just a mental one).

I just, I don't know. I feel horrible in my body so maybe I need to get some fresh air or something like is always said.

What I really want to do is lie in bed watching/binging youtube, anime, movies, etc. and not think about anything or anyone or myself. I basically did that yesterday...

But like, why would I do this to myself, yk? I *knew* I shouldn't as I was starting watching depressing stuff, but I also didn't really care, and wanted it, or used a pitiful "it won't make me (more) depressed!" that I didn't even believe.

I somehow don't feel like I can reach out to anyone. This is related to what I said before about wanting to wait a few days to get sorted out or somehow fix my issues a bit and already be on the path toward improvement by the time I reach out.

I also can't even handle people talking anymore, especially to me. I just wear my headphones 24/7 and turn the volume up when around people, and try to keep conversations as short as possible.

 

I also noticed my intrusive thoughts are somehow gone, maybe they have been for a while actually, idk.

TW SH

  Hide contents

Also my SH thoughts used to be intrusive in that I didn't want them but now I do and I "like" them and almost listen, or partially do.

Maybe they just "evolved" haha..

*dies from cringe* (I realized that "kill me" really means I'm just dying from perceived cringiness or I'm beating myself up for something.

 

ugh somehow writing this all makes me feel sick(er). I just keep complaining, but when I don't and keep it all inside it feels horrible.

 

edit: and I'm hungry but I just ateeeee  

edit2: I'm havin ice cream to soothe the hunger  

also i just want help, yk? i just want help but... idk. I want to talk. to people. I feel so lonely and deprived or human connection but I also isolate myself.

edit3: I'm probably dehydrated lol. also somehow I'm briefly feeling happier but i still want idk 

A self destructive mindset is difficult. That’s probably what i am, not suicidal, but self destructive.

but from the kind of language I am seeing you start to use, you seem to be trying to be more aware of it and resisting it, which is really encouraging. Glad to see you’re starting to make progress.

do you think that the shard harms you mentally? Because if I am a part of that then I would encourage you to number one, continue stepping back every other week or so, and number two, taking that step of faith and having that conversation with your irl friends when you need to. Hierarchy of mental health help is from least helpful to most: (online friends, real friends/family, therapist) in my experience.

great to hear your intrusive thoughts are fading. Yours sound like they were much worse than mine, although mine are pretty much omnipresent if not less dangerous. Tangent but very good to hear.

Yeah idk i can definitely tell that a long day sitting in the back of a van with my phone or just straight up driving has mentally weighed on me, but the moment i went outside that kind of slipped away. You already know that that kind of thing is effective, though. 

glad to hear you’re making some progress, though. I hope it continues well!

[Usseewa]

59 minutes ago, Verdance said:

A  well!

(Okay that was half on purpose and I ended up having to recreate it but...)

honestly...

I think it mainly "harms me" when it interferes with daily life cuz I use it to procrastinate, but that also goes with other things. And I think a lot of my depression is probably all the depressing content I consume (and create, I guess).

I'm sure we were/are both affected negatively by our intrusive thoughts.

facts. straight up. Getting a break after phone = good.

uhhh idk yeah 

thx for the... what's it called

response 

you too, Will

[#1 Taln Fan he/him]

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

just feels like... it's useless to do the good stuff cuz it's just pushing off depression and stuff, and depression will just come back. Maybe that just turns it into a self-fulfilling prophecy tho ("I'm depressed, but doing something good for me won't help cuz I'll just be depressed again later! So I'll just stay depressed and.. oh") if that makes sense. And now I'm seeing much what you mean by i already got it figured out

It is often a self fulfilling prophecy yeah, just like ya said. And yes, the underlying stressors in your life will still be there. Everybody has stressors, but our lifestyle, emotion regulation strategies, and mindset determine how we respond to things. If you're doing all those well, every day, all the time, and lets say you have way better symptoms and daily life because of them, then... what's the problem? Ofc there will be bad days, but if your average day becomes better, more manageable and fulfilling, then that's 100% an improvement. 

And when you're better rested physically and mentally, and have more room to breathe, you'll likely be better able to reflect and tackle the underlying root stressors in your life and find solutions.

And yeah, taking a break from the Shard doesn't do much if you just bedrot and scroll other things online, especially if they're actively dragging you down. It's best to physically distance yourself from your phone and put it in a different room entirely, since it can even be distracting if it's in our vision, even if we're not using it