Mental health club!

[Aeoryi she/her]

Just now, Usseewa said:

fine but what if i cant help it

i guess i can but

yeah

anyway meow

Are you doing better mentally after taking a break from the shard?

[Usseewa]

1 hour ago, Aeoryi said:

Are you doing better mentally after taking a break from the shard?

uhhhh well.............

i've still been on and off the shard, like i took a two-day break or smth and then came back today.

and... i'm not sure, i don't think so 

maybe last break i was better doing but idk. yeah......................

i don't know what to do cuz my brain wants me to keep being depressing, but that little pesky health-and-reasonable part of my mind wants me to stop and maybe seek help...

i dont want to do anything i wish i could just do nothing and nothing at all and just not do anything and not make choices and stufffffffff

i wish i could either get all better and be happy and not... whatever this is... or just succumb to the temptations and... do things...

hm..mmm...

succumbing is kinda easier but i don't really have that option, yk?

but how can i be happy besides making myself suffer? what's there to joy from? like... idk.ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

ooooooooooooooooooeeeiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaieeaeiaieiieaieiaoei

oh sorry i forgot..

i don't know what i want at this point

i just...

i can't get help..

i can't

i can't

i cant cant i can ti cant ica t icna ticant icant icant ic anti c ina i cant i ca nti ca i.jjjd

because iif i do... if i do...... idk but it won't be good.

 

maybe.. i should get help. maybe it is just shame holding me back. or fear, or something along the lines of those.

but ................................................................

i just feel..

like what if i just made myself feel this way and then that means it's my fault and i'll just be scolded again like always and .... and it won't actually help. but i secretlly hope that whoever i talk to won't do that and will... understand me. i don't need people telling me verything i do wrong. or maybe i do, but i already tell myself that and i aleady know and already i'm aware. u don't need to tell me how i'm screwing up my life or making the wrong choices or being a piece of half-living crem because i already know and it doesn't help when you tell me it just makes it worse. it just makes me beat mysef up again and shrink down into my little whatever and just .... idk . i know. i already know! uu dont't need to ... remind me.

and if you do, what does that mean? how do I handle the conflicting logic? are we both somehow right? or is one of us wrong? which ? jjjjjjjjjjeffffffffffffffffffffjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

oEvery time i get scolded it feels horrible. every time you say my mistakess, sometimes i already knew them and you just confirm it for me. and if you're right to do so? that just confirms the voices telling me what a failure I am. and maybe im exaggerating or maybe im just stating the truth of my mind. because... when i tel you to stop it's because i can barely take it and you just won't stop...won't.

what am i writing,  i dont even know...

heh.....

i have a problem either way, yuou know. either i have whatever the heck mental health depression problems, or I don't but i have a problem for.. putting myself in a bad mental state and not being able to understand anything. 

i dont know,...

i want to.... do something. maybe howa bout...................................................................

go to sleep...

and wake up deperessed again

 

you know last night i think i went to bed feeeling bad. and woke up feelign bad too. it's like i never slept. who needs sleep anyway... who needs to be aliveveveve

i just dont want it to get bad bad..

or at least not bad enough that there's no return.

becau se aat least if its's bad bad then i  can feel worthy of getting  help. though if im being honest i cant predict if i'd even  get  helffpp.

becuase yeah...

anyway....

thtt was weird and made me more depressed but whatever.

i'll talk to someone.. eventually.

but i hate people that are...ugh.

 

also i have no good reason to be suicidal anyway so what the heck am i doing to myself..

 

edit cuz i thought of smth: another issue is.. i don't rlly know how to talk about "it." I don't even know what "it" is, really. so.. idk..

Edited April 21 by Usseewa

[Denissimo He/him]

Ah. We got a lot of depressed teenagers here. 
Hum. Hem. Mmm.

Even if the stars should die in heaven
Our sins can never be undone
No single death will be forgiven
When fades at last the last lit sun.
Then in the cold and silent black
As light and matter end
We’ll have ourselves a last look back
And toast an absent friend.
- Eliezer Yudkowsky.

Good guy. I'm not too sure why I chose that poem.
I'm sorry. My posts tend to be overly-analytical wordvomit. A far cry from emotional understanding, truly. 
I'm also reminded of a song I heard a while back. It was originally in japanese, but english translation of one of the lines (more or less. Paraphrased for purposes of meaning.):

SH Themes:

Spoiler

Someone dies behind the colours of a monitor
Lamenting that, someone else grieves
And starts singing in their honour

Influenced by that, an adolescent
Ran off, knife clenched in his fist.

Good song.

Words to say, words to say...
Well, if you feel that nothing matters. If you find it difficult getting out of bed. If you find it difficult to storming care about existence, whether it be yours or another's. If a sort of... unintentional and reluctant apathy has enveloped your world.
Or, if you simply feel like you want to die. End this gorydamn storming suffering. If you want to gaze into the abyss, and welcome it.

Well, in the case of apathy, that is... something to keep, somewhat, actually and suprisingly. Don't let it rule your heart, yet remember it from time to time, and let yourself break into a smile not in spite of it, but because of it. Decide meanings for yourself. Let whimsy take hold, if only briefly. Dance in the school football-field and laugh at the sky, knowing that those who stare and whisper have not yet felt this freedom. Its nice to not care sometimes. 
Then try to puzzle out how to convince the therapist you don't have schizophrenia.

As for the suicide. 
In the words of Albert Camus, I suppose.
"Martyrs, cher ami, must choose between being forgotten, mocked, or made use of. As for being understood--never!”
Understnading. This is what we are all craving here, is it not?

The world is restrictive. The people around you can be judgemental. They can mock your fears. Your worries. Play it off as attention-seeking, paranoia.
The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.
Apathy helps with that. If framed correctly in the mindset. Thus why I said earlier it was something to keep.

On that note.
Look at all the leaves
Maybe if I smoke this one it will make me dizzy
Tiny wizard! David gorydamn Copperfield!
A sort of violin and a creepy little doll with ADHD and lacking in pills.

 

Have I thoroughly screwed over your Apophenia? 

[Usseewa]

2 hours ago, Denissimo said:

Ah. We got a lot of depressed teenagers here. 
Hum. Hem. Mmm.

Even if the stars should die in heaven
Our sins can never be undone
No single death will be forgiven
When fades at last the last lit sun.
Then in the cold and silent black
As light and matter end
We’ll have ourselves a last look back
And toast an absent friend.
- Eliezer Yudkowsky.

Good guy. I'm not too sure why I chose that poem.
I'm sorry. My posts tend to be overly-analytical wordvomit. A far cry from emotional understanding, truly. 
I'm also reminded of a song I heard a while back. It was originally in japanese, but english translation of one of the lines (more or less. Paraphrased for purposes of meaning.):

SH Themes:

  Reveal hidden contents

Someone dies behind the colours of a monitor
Lamenting that, someone else grieves
And starts singing in their honour

Influenced by that, an adolescent
Ran off, knife clenched in his fist.

Good song.

Words to say, words to say...
Well, if you feel that nothing matters. If you find it difficult getting out of bed. If you find it difficult to storming care about existence, whether it be yours or another's. If a sort of... unintentional and reluctant apathy has enveloped your world.
Or, if you simply feel like you want to die. End this gorydamn storming suffering. If you want to gaze into the abyss, and welcome it.

Well, in the case of apathy, that is... something to keep, somewhat, actually and suprisingly. Don't let it rule your heart, yet remember it from time to time, and let yourself break into a smile not in spite of it, but because of it. Decide meanings for yourself. Let whimsy take hold, if only briefly. Dance in the school football-field and laugh at the sky, knowing that those who stare and whisper have not yet felt this freedom. Its nice to not care sometimes. 
Then try to puzzle out how to convince the therapist you don't have schizophrenia.

As for the suicide. 
In the words of Albert Camus, I suppose.
"Martyrs, cher ami, must choose between being forgotten, mocked, or made use of. As for being understood--never!”
Understnading. This is what we are all craving here, is it not?

The world is restrictive. The people around you can be judgemental. They can mock your fears. Your worries. Play it off as attention-seeking, paranoia.
The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.
Apathy helps with that. If framed correctly in the mindset. Thus why I said earlier it was something to keep.

On that note.
Look at all the leaves
Maybe if I smoke this one it will make me dizzy
Tiny wizard! David gorydamn Copperfield!
A sort of violin and a creepy little doll with ADHD and lacking in pills.

 

Have I thoroughly screwed over your Apophenia? 

very yummy

very yummy indeed

words in my yummy tummy

words to chew on

yum

 

yes, i yearn to be understood, and to understand myself.

it's hard though.

[Usseewa]

SH

Spoiler

now i really wanna cut myself idk why i just do

 

[Denissimo He/him]

19 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

SH

  Hide contents

now i really wanna cut myself idk why i just do

 

Try to identify the reason. Self-hatred? Sadness? Suicidal tendences? Ritual scarring?
Or (and this is from personal experience), you simply enjoy the asthetic of blood?
I'd never condone SH because it has a sizable chance of deteriorating into something worse.
Again, try your best to be honest to oneself and identify the emotions and reasoning surrounding such impulses. I promise you, it helps. 
In the words of an old friend, "If I'm 'bout to do something I damn should know why"


 

[Usseewa]

3 minutes ago, Denissimo said:

Try to identify the reason. Self-hatred? Sadness? Suicidal tendences? Ritual scarring?
Or (and this is from personal experience), you simply enjoy the asthetic of blood?
I'd never condone SH because it has a sizable chance of deteriorating into something worse.
Again, try your best to be honest to oneself and identify the emotions and reasoning surrounding such impulses. I promise you, it helps. 
In the words of an old friend, "If I'm 'bout to do something I damn should know why"


 

idk it seems "fun"

i just really wanna hurt myself in several ways

i think i struggle with depression even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it

also

(possible SH)

Spoiler

does pulling out hair count as self-harm? cuz I used to do that a lot.

usually it didn't hurt, but idk.

 

also i just... wanna self-harm, i think kinda the blood, kinda the pain, idk hopefully I'm not weird

 

Now that i think about it I've kinda been like this for years haha

...

 

[Denissimo He/him]

6 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

idk it seems "fun"

i just really wanna hurt myself in several ways

i think i struggle with depression even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it

also

(possible SH)

  Hide contents

does pulling out hair count as self-harm? cuz I used to do that a lot.

usually it didn't hurt, but idk.

 

also i just... wanna self-harm, i think kinda the blood, kinda the pain, idk hopefully I'm not weird

 

Now that i think about it I've kinda been like this for years haha

...

 

SH

Spoiler

I did hairpulling as well, when I was stressed. Damn near gave me a baldpatch.

Some introspection might be in order, I think. Do you dislike yourself? The body you were born in? 
Many factors. Perhaps you do suffer from depression. Depression is a spectrum: You don't gotta be jumping off bridges (Don't do that anyways, though. It hurts.) to be depressed.
I'm sorry if those around you irl aren't providing understanding, or being judgemental.

I must be off. Sorry I can't contintue this right now. I'll be back.

I'll leave you with this nice quote:
"Should I kill myself, or have another cup of coffee? But in the end, it takes more courage to live than to die."

Edited April 22 by Denissimo

[Usseewa]

1 minute ago, Denissimo said:

SH

  Hide contents

I did hairpulling as well, when I was stressed. Damn near gave me a baldpatch.

Some introspection might be in order, I think. Do you dislike yourself? The body you were born in? 
Many factors. Perhaps you do suffer from depression. Depression is a spectrum: You don't gotta be jumping off bridges (Don't do that anyways, though. It hurts.) to be depressed.
I'm sorry if those around you irl aren't providing understanding, or being judgemental.

TW: Suicide, probably SH too. Depressing stuff. I don't feel like doing a spoiler I'm on a phone

 

Idk i think i do dislike myself

i mean I'm also trans so...

yeah true. i just feel like some of it (especially the SH stuff) is.. faked or self-induced. Maybe it's a "cry for help" haha...

i walked on a bridge today and look down over the side

every time i walk near a river or across a bridge the thought of jumping enters my mind, even if it's "passive" or whatever it's called.

What was i gonna say...

oh yeah. so... ppl around me IRL... they try to be supportive and i genuinely am starting to question if they actually are which kinda scares me but it's probably just a side effect of me losing my sanity. But yeah they are, but i do feel judged and questioned and guilty and bad when i bring up stuff. and usually it ends well enough, i guess, but idk this is something different... And i could just be worried for no reason too and really they are supportive... but idk. Therapist would be better but I've probably self-harmed in the past now that I'm thinking of it (tho not necessarily cutting..), so idk if they'll call the EMS or something... which i don't want a big fuss

i just wanna self harm bro...

either that or "get better," whatever the heck that means

[Aeoryi she/her]

I will say that not engaging with in-depth discussions of self-harm and depression help immensely with not being burdened by it day after day. It won't solve anything, but it'll at least... mitigate the issue.

[Usseewa]

Just now, Aeoryi said:

I will say that not engaging with in-depth discussions of self-harm and depression help immensely with not being burdened by it day after day. It won't solve anything, but it'll at least... mitigate the issue.

yeah.. i know...

i guess

but it just comes back eventually so what's the point?

[Aeoryi she/her]

7 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

yeah.. i know...

i guess

but it just comes back eventually so what's the point?

Delay it. Delay the inevitable. hide from it. stay away from it as long as possible

 

[Usseewa]

Just now, Aeoryi said:

Delay it. Delay the inevitable. hide from it. stay away from it as long as possible

 

that makes it sound like I'll eventually succumb to it, so why not now?

I'm not particularly depressed anymore

maybe I'll wait 

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

*pokes sad people* quit it, drink water, go bed.

[Aeoryi she/her]

3 minutes ago, Honors cognitive shadow said:

*pokes sad people* quit it, drink water, go bed.

I'm not sad

Spoiler

I've been eating nothing recently to try and solve my issues so it's 

 

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

I'm not sad

  Hide contents

I've been eating nothing recently to try and solve my issues so it's 

 

*glares* food is important, eat food, *glares once more*, hands (insert favorite food here) eat.

[Usseewa]

12 minutes ago, Honors cognitive shadow said:

*pokes sad people* quit it, drink water, go bed.

i got like 6 hours of sleep last night and i might get even less tonight  

8 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

I'm not sad

  Hide contents

I've been eating nothing recently to try and solve my issues so it's 

 

Spoiler

i want to eat nothing but i can't cuz ppl will notice

i still try tho

 

[Aeoryi she/her]

7 minutes ago, Honors cognitive shadow said:

*glares* food is important, eat food, *glares once more*, hands (insert favorite food here) eat.

yum (but no appetite)

Just now, Usseewa said:

i got like 6 hours of sleep last night and i might get even less tonight  

  Hide contents

i want to eat nothing but i can't cuz ppl will notice

i still try tho

 

Spoiler

since I threw up this morning I've eaten nothing... it is rather painful but not in a way that's akin to physical injury... moreso just suffering
(But I have other reasons to be doing this too, including body image and being afraid of throwing up again)

 

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

4 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

i got like 6 hours of sleep last night and i might get even less tonight  

  Hide contents

i want to eat nothing but i can't cuz ppl will notice

i still try tho

 

We fight

 

2 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

yum (but no appetite)

  Hide contents

since I threw up this morning I've eaten nothing... it is rather painful but not in a way that's akin to physical injury... moreso just suffering
(But I have other reasons to be doing this too, including body image and being afraid of throwing up again)
 

 

GRRR WE FIGHTT

[Usseewa]

2 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

yum (but no appetite)

  Hide contents

since I threw up this morning I've eaten nothing... it is rather painful but not in a way that's akin to physical injury... moreso just suffering
(But I have other reasons to be doing this too, including body image and being afraid of throwing up again)
 

 

Spoiler

sis sameeeee

(not the throwing up part)

but i have no appetite and i just wanna sufferrrrrr

like i enjoy not eating for hours when I'm hungry

 

[Aeoryi she/her]

4 minutes ago, Honors cognitive shadow said:

We fight

 

GRRR WE FIGHTT

I ate a little bit

[Usseewa]

2 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

I ate a little bit

well I'm obliged to say good nice that's good it's good to eat

Spoiler

even if u don't want to  

if I could I'd skip meals until i couldn't walk, then I'd skip some more

 

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

10 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

I ate a little bit

Izzy no fight Izzy pat on head

[Verdance he/him]

I think a strategy I’ve seen benefits from is disassociating from my self destructive behavior. Blaming it on the hormones or other things, taking responsibility for my choices but not letting depression become a part of my identity. I recommend that when you think stuff like this, think of it more as an outside force trying to mess either you, and reject it. Maybe I’m still living in a fantasy world a bit, making something else to be the villain in my story, but it definitely helps.

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

I think a strategy I’ve seen benefits from is disassociating from my self destructive behavior. Blaming it on the hormones or other things, taking responsibility for my choices but not letting depression become a part of my identity. I recommend that when you think stuff like this, think of it more as an outside force trying to mess either you, and reject it. Maybe I’m still living in a fantasy world a bit, making something else to be the villain in my story, but it definitely helps.

i kinda agree maybe even if what I'm thinking is different 

it has actually made me feel so much better about myself to shift blame of all my issues or potential issues to other things that I can't help or control. And by telling myself that other people go through it too

 

i like disassociating

i think

idk if i even do it or not shrug