Having a Bad Day? Stop here for a Good Rant!

[traceria she/her]

Those are fun bags!  Not having played Minecraft, I detect no mistakes in coloring.

 

Maxal: I hate being bored. I also hate being overwhelmed. Clearly, I'm just full o' hate. Where's the balance, eh?!

 

Same here!  Sadly, I'm in the overwhelmed camp right now.  I can feel that my eye is about to start twitching and am a little short of breath.  I really need to relax to the max tonight!  In the meantime, tea breaks are my friend.

 

Edit: By the way, your birthday is two days before mine (yes, I was visiting your profile page).

Edited August 26, 2014 by traceria

[Guest]

Speaking of paper bags... I stayed up way too late coloring this one for my son's lunch today. He's all about Minecraft right now. I messed up Steve but was too tired to fix it.

Maxal: I hate being bored. I also hate being overwhelmed. Clearly, I'm just full o' hate. Where's the balance, eh?!

It's a pretty good day over in my sphere. Hoping everyone else is having a fine time.

 

Awesome bags! Now I feel bad for having no artistic talent...    You should look at the car I tried to draw to other day... My husband walks by and say to my daughter: "So mommy is drawing you something resembling a car? Why is the rear window so out of proportion? Perhaps daddy should be doing the drawing..... :ph34r: "

 

I think I'll just buy a regular lunch box.

 

As for being overwhelmed, well apparently there is a balance: one where you are not bored, but not too loaded... Nice theory: does not pass the test of real life which why there is such thing as coffee

[traceria she/her]

As for being overwhelmed, well apparently there is a balance: one where you are not bored, but not too loaded... Nice theory: does not pass the test of real life which why there is such thing as coffee

Amen to that!  I have a nice big cup this morning.  I'll move along to tea in the afternoon when I need something more soothing.  XD

[Guest]

Amen to that!  I have a nice big cup this morning.  I'll move along to tea in the afternoon when I need something more soothing.  XD

 

You are so resolute... I have started moving to another coffee in the afternoon I managed to coax myself into not drinking that second huge coffee today, but what can I do? There is a storming Keurig in the cubicle next to mine.... It is so tempting I find I succumb to this devil's invention one day outta two

 

I get so flustered when my young colleagues get so proud telling me how they don't drink coffee    Yeah. Right. You just wait. We'll have that conversation again in a few years

[Ashiok]

What is this coffee thing everybody keeps talking about?

 

I'm just having multiple meh days...

 

There is this kid on our Cross Country team, and he's like "Yeah, I ran an hour a day for a couple weeks" so the coach put him in the faster people group (30 mins @9 min mile pace).

A mile in, the kid's like "I need to stop." So I have to walk him back, and I don't get a chance to run (again*) because he couldn't explain that he ran his little hour at speedwalking pace, and couldn't run with the big boys.

Know your limits!

 

*We had practice yesterday, but my mother sent in the wrong physical, so I had to wait in an hour long line to get one so I would be able to practice.

[Guest]

What is this coffee thing everybody keeps talking about?

 

A life savior I started getting hooked in University, in my early twenties. Now I just cannot function until I get my morning cup: just don't ask my anything until I warm up that Keurig :ph34r:

 

Honestly, I just went to check how old you were and I will answer by: "You will see in due time".  Give yourself a decade or two but you shouldn't drink it now. I don't think it is very good for youngsters

 

 

There is this kid on our Cross Country team, and he's like "Yeah, I ran an hour a day for a couple weeks" so the coach put him in the faster people group (30 mins @9 min mile pace).

A mile in, the kid's like "I need to stop." So I have to walk him back, and I don't get a chance to run (again*) because he couldn't explain that he ran his little hour at speedwalking pace, and couldn't run with the big boys.

Know your limits!

 

*We had practice yesterday, but my mother sent in the wrong physical, so I had to wait in an hour long line to get one so I would be able to practice.

 

9 min mile pace, that's a little more than 10km per hour. I can see why your kid couldn't keep up if he's not use to it. I feel for you missing your training though. I really get mad when life force me to miss mine....... :angry:

[traceria she/her]

What is this coffee thing everybody keeps talking about?

 

Yeah, give yourself a few years and you'll likely find yourself in the coffee cult, too.  

 

 

A life savior I started getting hooked in University, in my early twenties. Now I just cannot function until I get my morning cup: just don't ask my anything until I warm up that Keurig :ph34r:

Truth be told, I used to need that huge caffeine fix, too.  For various reasons, I've managed to cut back my caffeine intake.  The biggest reason was the frequency of migraines, which I very rarely get now.  I still love coffee, though.  I'll have one cup of regular, but if I get more later in the day, I go for decaf.  Alas, we don't have a Keurig here, but I do have this coffee mug that works like a French press so I can keep decaf coffee in my office drawer and make one in the afternoon if I want the taste.  I tend to do half-caffeine coffee at home when I make it.  I think the taste alone works like a placebo! 

 

 

There is this kid on our Cross Country team, and he's like "Yeah, I ran an hour a day for a couple weeks" so the coach put him in the faster people group (30 mins @9 min mile pace).

A mile in, the kid's like "I need to stop." So I have to walk him back, and I don't get a chance to run (again*) because he couldn't explain that he ran his little hour at speedwalking pace, and couldn't run with the big boys.

Know your limits!

 

That's just plain annoying.  The annoying kid aside, your coach was awfully gullible or just too caught up in something else to think to ask this kid some additional questions and get a better handle on his actual ability.  Sometimes coaches can be a little dense...  Hopefully nothing will get in your way of practice now, though!

[Tien'sPetLurg she/her]

What is this coffee thing everybody keeps talking about?

 

 

...the coach put him in the faster people group (30 mins @9 min mile pace).

A mile in, the kid's like "I need to stop." So I have to walk him back, and I don't get a chance to run (again*) because he couldn't explain that he ran his little hour at speedwalking pace, and couldn't run with the big boys.

Know your limits!

You are in a tough age. Physical movement will be key to your moods. Staying active is a wise choice. I used to black out just before completing 1 mile in 10 minutes at your age. Seriously. It was a hormone-related issue. I was so embarrassed. I decided to only run if someone was chasing me with a life threatening object. (Not a wise choice to let my embarrassment prevent me from pushing forward and improving.)  I hope you get to participate today. It was nice of you to walk the other kid back. I hope he/she decides to keep trying and can catch up. Setting an accurate base-line for a skill is ok, as long as it's used to measure progress. The word "limit" sounds like something that should only apply to destructive things like stress, abuse, etc.

 

 I'll have one cup of regular, but if I get more later in the day, I go for decaf.  I tend to do half-caffeine coffee at home when I make it.  I think the taste alone works like a placebo! 

 

 

I should try your 1/2 caff coffee trick. I get jittery after too much coffee on an empty stomach. 

I have a rave vs rant today. In the good news column, I got to go back to bed for an hour today. It was great. We are on morning 4 of back-to-school and I already feel stifled by routine. SMH

[Guest]

Truth be told, I used to need that huge caffeine fix, too.  For various reasons, I've managed to cut back my caffeine intake.  The biggest reason was the frequency of migraines, which I very rarely get now.  I still love coffee, though.  I'll have one cup of regular, but if I get more later in the day, I go for decaf.  Alas, we don't have a Keurig here, but I do have this coffee mug that works like a French press so I can keep decaf coffee in my office drawer and make one in the afternoon if I want the taste.  I tend to do half-caffeine coffee at home when I make it.  I think the taste alone works like a placebo! 

 

I'm weird. I drink only Hazelnut-flavored coffee :ph34r: My husband calls it fake coffee I used to make half and half too while being pregnant because, you know, you are supposed to drink too much of the stuff while being pregnant Anyway, I love the stuff, but I don,t think I drink too much of it: one huge cup in the morning and sometimes another one in PM. I never drink anything with caffeine in the evening. One cup past 17h00 and I'll be up until 2AM bouncing and tossing and turning in my bed

 

 

You are in a tough age. Physical movement will be key to your moods. Staying active is a wise choice. I used to black out just before completing 1 mile in 10 minutes at your age. Seriously. It was a hormone-related issue. I was so embarrassed. I decided to only run if someone was chasing me with a life threatening object. (Not a wise choice to let my embarrassment prevent me from pushing forward and improving.)  I hope you get to participate today. It was nice of you to walk the other kid back. I hope he/she decides to keep trying and can catch up. Setting an accurate base-line for a skill is ok, as long as it's used to measure progress. The word "limit" sounds like something that should only apply to destructive things like stress, abuse, etc.

 

I used to be such a coach potato in my teens spending all my days watching the music channel :ph34r: I started sports at 19, when I realized I was winded climbing the stairs to the University (yeah it was on a hill) and my legs actually hurt from this little exercise. I figured I should be doing something about it (and I must also mention I had gained weight and I though my figure was less flattering). I mean, you are supposed to climb stairs at 19.......... I felt I was on the verge of dying from physical atrophy

 

So I coax myself into sports, running and training. Took a while, but I am quite proud now

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

I work as a receptionist. Here is an unedited phone conversation from today.

Customer: I'd like to speak with Phil, please.

Me: He's with a customer at the moment. Would you like his voicemail?

Customer: No, I'd like to talk to him. I called him earlier and he hasn't called me back.

Me: He's bad a lot of customers today, sir. He's been very busy.

Customer: That's no excuse!

FYI: Yeah it is.

[Guest]

I work as a receptionist. Here is an unedited phone conversation from today.

Customer: I'd like to speak with Phil, please.

Me: He's with a customer at the moment. Would you like his voicemail?

Customer: No, I'd like to talk to him. I called him earlier and he hasn't called me back.

Me: He's bad a lot of customers today, sir. He's been very busy.

Customer: That's no excuse!

FYI: Yeah it is.

 

LOL. Some people just can't help giving others crap. I hope you were able to keep your cool. I may have slam the phone down in your place

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

LOL. Some people just can't help giving others crap. I hope you were able to keep your cool. I may have slam the phone down in your place

I said I'd give him a message, but he hung up before I could get his number. Or ask how to spell his very long name. Fortunately, Phil knew who I was talking about and called him back.

[traceria she/her]

I work as a receptionist. Here is an unedited phone conversation from today.

Customer: I'd like to speak with Phil, please.

Me: He's with a customer at the moment. Would you like his voicemail?

Customer: No, I'd like to talk to him. I called him earlier and he hasn't called me back.

Me: He's bad a lot of customers today, sir. He's been very busy.

Customer: That's no excuse!

FYI: Yeah it is.

Wow!  Sadly, our receptionist has some stories like this, too.  These rude phone people run rampant in our society.  You have my sympathies!

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Putting it in spoiler tags because it….I don't know, feels weird to leave it in the open, I guess. 

 

I hate the imbalance in the relationship I have with my mom. Don't get me wrong: I love her, and she can be wonderful and sweet. She has given up a lot to help me attain my goals, and I really do love her for it. I just hate the way she's set it up so she always wins. 

 

Take today, for example. She and my dad are having people over for dinner tonight. These are people I don't know, and had nothing to do with inviting. I only learned of their invite when I got home from my writer's group yesterday…at 11 PM. So this morning, she tells me that she'd "appreciate it if I would come down and hang out with us, make conversation with these people" and so on. It was pretty offensive the way she said it, especially since I know there's a decent chance I'll have very little in common with these people (they're close to my age and married with several young kids; I'm single and in grad school) and will end up sitting there in silence, ignored, while they chat with my parents about the trials and triumphs of raising young kids. And there's nothing wrong with that—except for the fact that I'm expected to give up my evening to be ignored just so my parents can look like they have a sociable daughter. 

 

Well, she apologized. She said she realized that the way she said it was offensive and said she was sorry. And I appreciate that. I really do. But if I had told her, "Mom, the way you said what you did was really offensive and it hurt my feelings," she would have let me have it. She would have trotted out every single one of my character flaws until I was sorry I ever opened my mouth. And if I dare tell her that I know there's a good chance I'll be ignored for the evening, she'll launch into a lecture so long and vitriolic that I'll probably end up crying, and then she'll yell at me for crying. "Stop crying! You are a grown woman!" (Well, maybe you should stop saying things that MAKE me cry, ever think of THAT?) 

 

And it's been this way since I was a teenager, at least. The only difference is that now she calls her lectures "grown-up conversations," which doesn't mean what you think it does. With her, "let's have a grown-up conversation about this" means "sit down, shut up, listen to my side, take full responsibility for making me mad, apologize when I'm done and do what I want." I can't defend myself, even when she flat-out lies to my face about my motives (for instance, if I avoid someone because I'm nervous around them, and she says I did it because I wanted to be rude, I can't tell her the truth without getting an earful). 

 

Like I said, I'm glad she apologized. I know she had to swallow her pride to do that, and I'm truly grateful. But I also know that it doesn't change anything. I'll still wind up giving up my evening to (probably) be ignored by people I don't know and have little in common with. And if I say anything about it, she'll tear into me. And then, when she's finished tearing me down, she'll end with an angry "I love you." 

 

I love you too, Mom. I just wish you'd let me be an adult.

[Edgedancer he/him]

Putting it in spoiler tags because it….I don't know, feels weird to leave it in the open, I guess. 

 

I hate the imbalance in the relationship I have with my mom. Don't get me wrong: I love her, and she can be wonderful and sweet. She has given up a lot to help me attain my goals, and I really do love her for it. I just hate the way she's set it up so she always wins. 

 

Take today, for example. She and my dad are having people over for dinner tonight. These are people I don't know, and had nothing to do with inviting. I only learned of their invite when I got home from my writer's group yesterday…at 11 PM. So this morning, she tells me that she'd "appreciate it if I would come down and hang out with us, make conversation with these people" and so on. It was pretty offensive the way she said it, especially since I know there's a decent chance I'll have very little in common with these people (they're close to my age and married with several young kids; I'm single and in grad school) and will end up sitting there in silence, ignored, while they chat with my parents about the trials and triumphs of raising young kids. And there's nothing wrong with that—except for the fact that I'm expected to give up my evening to be ignored just so my parents can look like they have a sociable daughter. 

 

Well, she apologized. She said she realized that the way she said it was offensive and said she was sorry. And I appreciate that. I really do. But if I had told her, "Mom, the way you said what you did was really offensive and it hurt my feelings," she would have let me have it. She would have trotted out every single one of my character flaws until I was sorry I ever opened my mouth. And if I dare tell her that I know there's a good chance I'll be ignored for the evening, she'll launch into a lecture so long and vitriolic that I'll probably end up crying, and then she'll yell at me for crying. "Stop crying! You are a grown woman!" (Well, maybe you should stop saying things that MAKE me cry, ever think of THAT?) 

 

And it's been this way since I was a teenager, at least. The only difference is that now she calls her lectures "grown-up conversations," which doesn't mean what you think it does. With her, "let's have a grown-up conversation about this" means "sit down, shut up, listen to my side, take full responsibility for making me mad, apologize when I'm done and do what I want." I can't defend myself, even when she flat-out lies to my face about my motives (for instance, if I avoid someone because I'm nervous around them, and she says I did it because I wanted to be rude, I can't tell her the truth without getting an earful). 

 

Like I said, I'm glad she apologized. I know she had to swallow her pride to do that, and I'm truly grateful. But I also know that it doesn't change anything. I'll still wind up giving up my evening to (probably) be ignored by people I don't know and have little in common with. And if I say anything about it, she'll tear into me. And then, when she's finished tearing me down, she'll end with an angry "I love you." 

 

I love you too, Mom. I just wish you'd let me be an adult.

I can feel you, honestly. I love my mother, know that she loves me and appreciate her strictness to a certain degree.  However, it reaches a certain treshold when she changes aggrements we have and claims I just remembered them wrong, literally calls me to attention with a whistle and told me to my face that she doesn´t have to treat me on an equal footing, because she´s my mother.

 

Maybe it´s a thing with mothers in general?

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

I can feel you, honestly. I love my mother, know that she loves me and appreciate her strictness to a certain degree.  However, it reaches a certain treshold when she changes aggrements we have and claims I just remembered them wrong, literally calls me to attention with a whistle and told me to my face that she doesn´t have to treat me on an equal footing, because she´s my mother.

 

Maybe it´s a thing with mothers in general?

 

Maybe. I hope not, but now I'm scared to get married and have kids. For one thing, her new favorite threat to get me to behave is "If you do [insert thing I'm doing that bugs her] when you're married, you won't be married long." Even if whatever the thing she wants me to stop doing is the polar opposite of the thing she used that threat with last time (for example, she's used that threat when I told her how I felt about something and when I didn't tell her how I felt about something). I'm scared she's right—that I'll drive whoever I wind up liking enough to marry away. And I'm scared that if I ever have kids, I'll treat them the way she treats me. I don't plan to—I want to be a kind, caring, understanding and humble mother—but what if it happens without my planning on it? 

 

It's enough to make me want to become the crazy pug lady.

[traceria she/her]

TwiLyghtSansSparkles, sounds like your mom is a more aggressive version of mine...more behind the spoiler tag also.

Putting it in spoiler tags because it….I don't know, feels weird to leave it in the open, I guess. 

 

I hate the imbalance in the relationship I have with my mom. Don't get me wrong: I love her, and she can be wonderful and sweet. She has given up a lot to help me attain my goals, and I really do love her for it. I just hate the way she's set it up so she always wins. 

 

Take today, for example. She and my dad are having people over for dinner tonight. These are people I don't know, and had nothing to do with inviting. I only learned of their invite when I got home from my writer's group yesterday…at 11 PM. So this morning, she tells me that she'd "appreciate it if I would come down and hang out with us, make conversation with these people" and so on. It was pretty offensive the way she said it, especially since I know there's a decent chance I'll have very little in common with these people (they're close to my age and married with several young kids; I'm single and in grad school) and will end up sitting there in silence, ignored, while they chat with my parents about the trials and triumphs of raising young kids. And there's nothing wrong with that—except for the fact that I'm expected to give up my evening to be ignored just so my parents can look like they have a sociable daughter. 

 

Well, she apologized. She said she realized that the way she said it was offensive and said she was sorry. And I appreciate that. I really do. But if I had told her, "Mom, the way you said what you did was really offensive and it hurt my feelings," she would have let me have it. She would have trotted out every single one of my character flaws until I was sorry I ever opened my mouth. And if I dare tell her that I know there's a good chance I'll be ignored for the evening, she'll launch into a lecture so long and vitriolic that I'll probably end up crying, and then she'll yell at me for crying. "Stop crying! You are a grown woman!" (Well, maybe you should stop saying things that MAKE me cry, ever think of THAT?) 

 

And it's been this way since I was a teenager, at least. The only difference is that now she calls her lectures "grown-up conversations," which doesn't mean what you think it does. With her, "let's have a grown-up conversation about this" means "sit down, shut up, listen to my side, take full responsibility for making me mad, apologize when I'm done and do what I want." I can't defend myself, even when she flat-out lies to my face about my motives (for instance, if I avoid someone because I'm nervous around them, and she says I did it because I wanted to be rude, I can't tell her the truth without getting an earful). 

 

Like I said, I'm glad she apologized. I know she had to swallow her pride to do that, and I'm truly grateful. But I also know that it doesn't change anything. I'll still wind up giving up my evening to (probably) be ignored by people I don't know and have little in common with. And if I say anything about it, she'll tear into me. And then, when she's finished tearing me down, she'll end with an angry "I love you." 

 

I love you too, Mom. I just wish you'd let me be an adult.

My mom has never uttered what I'd call a real apology in all my life.  If she does something wrong, it always gets flipped around and becomes someone else's fault (i.e. she didn't mean it the way they took it is a classic example).  It sounds like your mom is, to be blunt, a manipulator, just like mine (though she's better than she used to be). Manipulators all have different ways they try to get what they way, and often they'll stick with what has worked for them.  It sounds especially tough for you because you live with your parents at present.  One of the best things that helped me was not just moving out but also moving away.  I realize that would be really tough in your situation.  If it's at all possible to change your living arrangements in the future, definitely consider it, because it can make it easier to stick to your guns.  I have to give my husband a lot of credit for helping me to not only realize my mother was this way but also for encouraging me to stand up for myself.  Boundaries are your friends.  Whatever you can do to try to establish some will go a long way.  Your mom, if resisted, will likely push back in her own way, but you've got to stay strong if you want to start to establish some of these boundaries.  At least you already realize some of the things she does, wants and says aren't good.  That's a good place to start.  I could give you a long list of things my mom has said and pulled on me to try to manipulate my emotions and actions, but that won't help you.  You probably have a list just as if not longer than mine.  The bottom line is that actions like the ones you've shared are unacceptable.  What's missing is that she needs to be shown you're not going to take them from her.  It's kind of like reverse parenting, given your relationship to one another.  Now, I haven't given you any practical tips; it's rather hard to summarize everything I've learned myself and do a good job of relating that.  PLUS, more importantly, I shouldn't foist all that unsolicited advice on you.  If you ever want to get a load off or are looking for some encouragement in dealing with her when she does something like this, please feel free to come my way.  I'm not a counselor or anything, just a fellow survivor.  I've learned a lot through my hubby and his mom, who actually is a counselor, that has been helpful and really helped my relationship with my mom to be better.  Getting some support from outside the situation really can help.  Try not to let her psych you out and keep reminding yourself things are not your fault.  Sounds like you know this in your head but it's hard to convince your heart, but keep listening to your head here.  It's got the right take on things!  (end preachy boundaries speech)

 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

TwiLyghtSansSparkles, sounds like your mom is a more aggressive version of mine...more behind the spoiler tag also.

My mom has never uttered what I'd call a real apology in all my life.  If she does something wrong, it always gets flipped around and becomes someone else's fault (i.e. she didn't mean it the way they took it is a classic example).  It sounds like your mom is, to be blunt, a manipulator, just like mine (though she's better than she used to be). Manipulators all have different ways they try to get what they way, and often they'll stick with what has worked for them.  It sounds especially tough for you because you live with your parents at present.  One of the best things that helped me was not just moving out but also moving away.  I realize that would be really tough in your situation.  If it's at all possible to change your living arrangements in the future, definitely consider it, because it can make it easier to stick to your guns.  I have to give my husband a lot of credit for helping me to not only realize my mother was this way but also for encouraging me to stand up for myself.  Boundaries are your friends.  Whatever you can do to try to establish some will go a long way.  Your mom, if resisted, will likely push back in her own way, but you've got to stay strong if you want to start to establish some of these boundaries.  At least you already realize some of the things she does, wants and says aren't good.  That's a good place to start.  I could give you a long list of things my mom has said and pulled on me to try to manipulate my emotions and actions, but that won't help you.  You probably have a list just as if not longer than mine.  The bottom line is that actions like the ones you've shared are unacceptable.  What's missing is that she needs to be shown you're not going to take them from her.  It's kind of like reverse parenting, given your relationship to one another.  Now, I haven't given you any practical tips; it's rather hard to summarize everything I've learned myself and do a good job of relating that.  PLUS, more importantly, I shouldn't foist all that unsolicited advice on you.  If you ever want to get a load off or are looking for some encouragement in dealing with her when she does something like this, please feel free to come my way.  I'm not a counselor or anything, just a fellow survivor.  I've learned a lot through my hubby and his mom, who actually is a counselor, that has been helpful and really helped my relationship with my mom to be better.  Getting some support from outside the situation really can help.  Try not to let her psych you out and keep reminding yourself things are not your fault.  Sounds like you know this in your head but it's hard to convince your heart, but keep listening to your head here.  It's got the right take on things!  (end preachy boundaries speech)

 

 

It wasn't preachy at all. In fact, it was extremely helpful.  

 

I plan on moving out once I have my degree. My mom knows this, and I can tell she's trying to steer me toward moving close to where she and Dad will live. They want to move back to the Northwest, but I'm eyeing states like North Dakota, Montana, and Wyoming. I know I'll go through fire when I finally do move out, and especially when I announce where I'm moving, because to be perfectly honest….I love the Northwest, I miss it every day, but I don't think I'll even apply for jobs there because I don't want to risk having to live within an hour of my parents. And I know that's what she wants. She wants me to move to the same state, preferably the same city, get an apartment, meet a nice guy she approves of, and raise grandkids she can see whenever she wants to. 

 

For a while, I thought that sounded good. I liked the idea of having my mom close, and I was scared of living far from her because I wasn't sure I'd make it on my own. Now…I'm not sure when it happened or how, but like you said, I've started to realize that the things she does to me aren't good. That it's not okay for her to manipulate me the way she does. And I want to see if I can make it on my own. Deep down, I know I can, and I know that if I cut ties (geographically, anyway) with my parents, I'll force myself to stand on my own two feet and I think I'll do okay. 

 

I know this might sound cruel, but I've already planned what I'll do the next time she tries to manipulate me. I'm not allowed to argue with her. The last time we fought, I tried to stand up for myself politely. I explained my side of the situation. When she did that, she called it "explaining my side to you." When I did it, she called it "trying to excuse your actions and manipulate me into feeling guilty." She said to my face that "sometimes I have to be mean to you to get you to understand." She pointed out that she could tell I was nervous, that my eyes were darting all over the place and I was fidgeting. When I asked if, next time we disagreed, I could write down my side and let her read it (because she took everything I said personally; I told her I wanted to do that so I could work out how I said things and make it sound less combative) she said no. She said it was because she wanted to clear the air sooner; I knew it was because she didn't want to give me an advantage. I think that's when I realized she doesn't care about reconciliation; she only cares about winning. 

 

So next time I see a fight on the horizon, I'm going to walk out the door. I've already put together a bag of clothes in case I have to stay out overnight. I won't answer her calls. I'll just wait until she's ready to reconcile and not win, or at least until she sees that what she's doing is driving me away. I don't expect her to realize that what she's doing is wrong; the way she sees it, she is always right by virtue of being my mother. 

 

And if she kicks me out over that, I'll figure something out. But when I move away, the first time she picks a fight over the phone, I'm hanging up.

[traceria she/her]

It wasn't preachy at all. In fact, it was extremely helpful.

 

I plan on moving out once I have my degree. My mom knows this, and I can tell she's trying to steer me toward moving close to where she and Dad will live. They want to move back to the Northwest, but I'm eyeing states like North Dakota, Montana, and Wyoming. I know I'll go through fire when I finally do move out, and especially when I announce where I'm moving, because to be perfectly honest….I love the Northwest, I miss it every day, but I don't think I'll even apply for jobs there because I don't want to risk having to live within an hour of my parents. And I know that's what she wants. She wants me to move to the same state, preferably the same city, get an apartment, meet a nice guy she approves of, and raise grandkids she can see whenever she wants to. 

 

For a while, I thought that sounded good. I liked the idea of having my mom close, and I was scared of living far from her because I wasn't sure I'd make it on my own. Now…I'm not sure when it happened or how, but like you said, I've started to realize that the things she does to me aren't good. That it's not okay for her to manipulate me the way she does. And I want to see if I can make it on my own. Deep down, I know I can, and I know that if I cut ties (geographically, anyway) with my parents, I'll force myself to stand on my own two feet and I think I'll do okay. 

 

I know this might sound cruel, but I've already planned what I'll do the next time she tries to manipulate me. I'm not allowed to argue with her. The last time we fought, I tried to stand up for myself politely. I explained my side of the situation. When she did that, she called it "explaining my side to you." When I did it, she called it "trying to excuse your actions and manipulate me into feeling guilty." She said to my face that "sometimes I have to be mean to you to get you to understand." She pointed out that she could tell I was nervous, that my eyes were darting all over the place and I was fidgeting. When I asked if, next time we disagreed, I could write down my side and let her read it (because she took everything I said personally; I told her I wanted to do that so I could work out how I said things and make it sound less combative) she said no. She said it was because she wanted to clear the air sooner; I knew it was because she didn't want to give me an advantage. I think that's when I realized she doesn't care about reconciliation; she only cares about winning. 

 

So next time I see a fight on the horizon, I'm going to walk out the door. I've already put together a bag of clothes in case I have to stay out overnight. I won't answer her calls. I'll just wait until she's ready to reconcile and not win, or at least until she sees that what she's doing is driving me away. I don't expect her to realize that what she's doing is wrong; the way she sees it, she is always right by virtue of being my mother. 

 

And if she kicks me out over that, I'll figure something out. But when I move away, the first time she picks a fight over the phone, I'm hanging up.

That sounds like an excellent plan!  A friend of mine with a manipulative father will not just step away but will also say, "I can't have this conversation with you right now."  He didn't take that well at first, but after awhile he started to get it that she was going to do it no matter what he did in reaction.  I don't have as much experience dealing with your mom's aggressive approach.  My mom was more of the "oh, I should start crying now because what you're saying to me is obviously more hurtful to me than what I did was hurtful to you, and maybe I can gain back some sympathy" type.  But I told her point-blank once that if she kept doing that, we just weren't going to have a relationship anymore.  She learned, and though she has relapses, she's quicker to retreat than she used to be.  With yours, I think a very bold move like you've got planned would be better.  Definitely don't let anything she says deter you when the time comes.  Do what what you say you're going to do and stick by your word.  Good luck!

 

When I got married (at age 29), I moved two states away.  I didn't want to do it at the time, but it turned out to be a great thing.  My mom tried to pull all my guilty heartstrings with statements like, "It's not too much to ask that you visit once a month" or "Why don't you call more?  Don't you love me?"  And it was that kind of thing that, after a lot of repetition, I just couldn't take anymore.  The distance definitely helped to put things in perspective and to hold my ground.  I hope that you don't have too much longer to go before you can really venture out and settle some place farther away!

[Cartith he/him]

Financial Aid people who mix  up things and cut your loans in half because they put you in as a freshman instead of the junior you really are. That is all. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

That sounds like an excellent plan!  A friend of mine with a manipulative father will not just step away but will also say, "I can't have this conversation with you right now."  He didn't take that well at first, but after awhile he started to get it that she was going to do it no matter what he did in reaction.  I don't have as much experience dealing with your mom's aggressive approach.  My mom was more of the "oh, I should start crying now because what you're saying to me is obviously more hurtful to me than what I did was hurtful to you, and maybe I can gain back some sympathy" type.  But I told her point-blank once that if she kept doing that, we just weren't going to have a relationship anymore.  She learned, and though she has relapses, she's quicker to retreat than she used to be.  With yours, I think a very bold move like you've got planned would be better.  Definitely don't let anything she says deter you when the time comes.  Do what what you say you're going to do and stick by your word.  Good luck!

 

When I got married (at age 29), I moved two states away.  I didn't want to do it at the time, but it turned out to be a great thing.  My mom tried to pull all my guilty heartstrings with statements like, "It's not too much to ask that you visit once a month" or "Why don't you call more?  Don't you love me?"  And it was that kind of thing that, after a lot of repetition, I just couldn't take anymore.  The distance definitely helped to put things in perspective and to hold my ground.  I hope that you don't have too much longer to go before you can really venture out and settle some place farther away!

 

That is terrible, what your mom would do. My mom does the same thing, although she's a little more belligerent about it. I can't say which is worse—the yelling or the quiet aggression. I think they're both awful. 

 

I've got another year or thereabouts. In the meantime, I'm looking at apartments in cities where I'd like to live, and I'm checking out hotels that I can run to in the near future if need be. 

 

Thanks for saying that it gets better. I believe you, and I'm hoping things will get better soon. I'm not looking forward to the fights that will happen when I finally do stand my ground, but if it worked for you, then I think it'll work for me too.

 

Financial Aid people who mix  up things and cut your loans in half because they put you in as a freshman instead of the junior you really are. That is all. 

 

Wow, that is super frustrating. I've been there, believe me. And then you have to go to ten different people and get ten different forms to get it straightened out….

 

That sucks. Hope it works out soon. :/

[Guest]

About mothers... here is a different kind of story, where the culprit is the child...

 

Beware, this is a flashback from 20 years old me.... Harsh words here.

 

I must admit my relationship with my mother improve dramatically when I moved out and then when I had kids... Before I moved out, I felt I was treated as a child living in a house that was not mine. I felt my wishes were taken for granted and that nobody ever listen to what I had to say. I was always labelled as the unreliable one because I failed to clean my room on every Friday evening as per my mother's wishes, unlike my spot clean sister. I also had lots of issues with her as a person as I was ashamed she didn't pursue any higher education decree and that she didn't have a job I found worth of mentioning. She left work for 10 years to take care of her kids. I thought this was the summon of laziness and me, the perpetual grade A student, the perfectionist over achiever, could bring myself to respect her. I felt she was dumb and not up to "my bright level". She was also very obsessed with cleaning and she wouldn't stop making my lunches. Every day. Even when I told her to mind her business, that I was perfectly able to make my own lunch, she still insist on making on. If I had to stay late at University, she'd pack me two lunches and a huge thermos of fresh coffee.

 

Truth is I was just an arrogant ungrateful spoiled brat. Yeah. 14 years later, I can admit as much.

 

My mother, my poor mother, thrived during all these years, with her crappy job, to simply MY life. She wanted the self-important me to concentrate herself on her studies, so she did everything to make my life easier. She cooked me meals: no matter at what time I came back, a plate of delicious homemade food waited for me in the micro-wave. She made my lunches so I wouldn't have to spend what little money I had at the school's cafeteria. She made me coffee so I wouldn't have to buy one with my money, so I could save it. She bought my loads of nice clothes for Christmas because she knew I couldn't afford them on my own. And when I got this internship at the other end of town, she let me borrow the family car, every day to commute. She explained all this to me, later.

 

And I never was grateful for any of this. Worst, I denigrated what my mother did for me. Perhaps she failed to listen to me, perhaps she failed at seeing me as a grown-up, but she still tried to be the best possible mom.

 

I guess I had to leave to understand, to have kids of my own to see it. When my daughter was born, I realized how amazing my mother truly is. While all my friends complained about their mothers taking too much place, not letting them have their say, criticizing their parental choices, my mom was just great. She was just there. Being helpful. Doing what she always did, work the dirty work in the background.  She never questioned my decisions regarding my kids and if she did, she did it respectfully. She made herself available without ever asking anything in return. She was never invasive.

 

So yeah, I can say it now, thank you mom for being great and sorry I was such a pain.

 

Now I have kids of my own, work lost a lot of its importance. I understand why she wouldn't go back to work. I have cheap day care, a year parental leave, part-time work (in theory) and yet I mused over the fact it may be best if I stayed home. Oh how shameful! But now I understand. I also realized being a mother is much harder than it seems. These kids, they have ways to get to you. They resembles you in good and in bad ways and you so much want to shelter them from harm, but sometimes, despite having all the best intentions in the world: you screw up. Big time and it is when you realize that yeah your parents screw up too for a lot of things, but they did manage a few good ones in between and if, perhaps, you haven't spent all your youth being self-absorbed and complaining about yourself, you may have notice.

 

Worst is I found myself behaving more and more like my mother and I feel fine about it. There are worst things in life then being mom.

 

I feel for you having so much issues with your moms. I hope things will settle for the best. I felt sharing my little story may help give insight to how things can end up evolving.

Edited August 29, 2014 by maxal

[Cartith he/him]

That is terrible, what your mom would do. My mom does the same thing, although she's a little more belligerent about it. I can't say which is worse—the yelling or the quiet aggression. I think they're both awful. 

 

I've got another year or thereabouts. In the meantime, I'm looking at apartments in cities where I'd like to live, and I'm checking out hotels that I can run to in the near future if need be. 

 

Thanks for saying that it gets better. I believe you, and I'm hoping things will get better soon. I'm not looking forward to the fights that will happen when I finally do stand my ground, but if it worked for you, then I think it'll work for me too.

 

 

Wow, that is super frustrating. I've been there, believe me. And then you have to go to ten different people and get ten different forms to get it straightened out….

 

That sucks. Hope it works out soon. :/

It actually got sorted out about half an hour after I posted that. Turns out it was a clerical mistake, and they are gonna fix it next week. Not in any danger of losing my classes, like I thought I was going to. Thanks for hoping it works out soon, cause it did XD.

[Voidus]

I don't know if there are any other clusterheads on here but I get cluster headaches and I just started another cycle last night, pain meds don't do anything at all and the targetted medications are taking for ever to get right. So now I'm going to have a month or so of very little sleep, intense pain and crying. 

[Cartith he/him]

Upvoted as a sign of support.

 

I don't know if there are any other clusterheads on here but I get cluster headaches and I just started another cycle last night, pain meds don't do anything at all and the targetted medications are taking for ever to get right. So now I'm going to have a month or so of very little sleep, intense pain and crying.