What Happened in Portland

[Mailliw73]

"I was hoping you could shed some light on the subject of CorpseMaker," he continued. "Is he strong? Does he have many servants? Are the two of you on decent terms?" Lightwards asked Altermind. Lots of questions huh? Why not increase his fear and dislike of this man?

"He's quite strong. He has a prime invincibility and cannot be killed. Only his weakness will let you do that. He stares at you and kills you instantly. He has servants of fire and electricity. Probably more that he's kept hidden in the shadows and away from prying eyes. I wouldn't doubt that he, if needed, could assemble an army within minutes. He tried to kill me, so no, we aren't on good terms. I don't tend to like people who try to kill me," Altermind said. The waiter brought out his chicken. He stabbed into it, eating the juicy meat off the knife. He created a hallucination of a sharp pain in someone at the next table over's foot. He looked over and laughed as they bent over, screaming in pain. Tears burst from the woman's eyes. As people asked her what was wrong, Altermind stopped the hallucination. She sat back up, wiping tears from her eyes, and looked confused at the sudden pain.

[Voidus]

It was growing dark as SoulSwitch left the dilapidated bar, still in the body of the old man. He already knew about most of the major groups of Epics in Portland, he'd been considering joining one of them but Altermind was too unambitious, he threw away so many people who never passed his tests, forgetting that in a fight between armies the cleverer soldiers were not always the ones who won.

Corpsemaker was the only other real choice with any major power, and he refused to join one of the minor rag-tag groups in the city like those Slontzes who'd taken over the museum, but Corpsemaker gave him the creeps, an Epic who could invalidate your powers was not someone you wanted to get involved with. Then again, this Penumbra was just as creepy in his way, but at least if it all went to hell he could still jump into something else when Penumbra tried to kill him.

Heading over to another bar he tried to organize all the new information he'd learned, Vanilla's might pretend not to get involved in Epic affairs but they always knew more than they let on, and they were perfectly willing to tell a kindly old man over a pint what they knew about any new Epics in town. As far as he could make out the rest of Purple Phoenix's old group had set up their own area, 'the empire of light' they'd called it, ironic then that they were now fighting a shadow Epic he supposed, but while he was interested in collecting news of the powerful Epics he was more interested in seeking out any minor Epics who were unaffiliated, they might not have the raw power of some of the High Epics, but subtlety could cause just as much damage as a street-levelling explosion could if applied correctly, no one ever expected a mouse to be able to poison their drinks but SoulSwitch had killed three separate Epics with that trick when they'd come close to his hideout.

Kicking a nearby rat out of his way he entered the next bar, hopefully he'd be able to find someone useful who could complement his and Penumbra's abilities, or at the very least find a minion of his own to rule over.

[A Joe in the Bush]

From the Outside, theSteakhouse looked pretty secure. It appeared to be under the protection of the three Epics they had killed earlier. itdid match the hunting theme. Everything looked just like it should. It was the guests inside that worried him. An Megalomaniacal Illusionist, a Nervous Dragon, an Immortal Assasin, and a Jurrasic Professor. All of them Killers. Epics who he should have killed by now. He honestly didn't know why he hadn't. He could kill them all right now, yet he didn't. Instead, he waited on Altermind, helping him kill minor epics just so they could get weaponry? The fight had been a nice diversion though. But untill he decided what to do, he should probably keep an eye on his new leader.

 

He slipped off his blindfold and put it into his pocket. Then, he walked into the Restaraunt. He saw Altermind and the Dinosaur King eating at a table next to the wall. When a waiter came to bring him to his seat, he made sure to get a table that was Behind The Dinosaur. When Altermind next glanced up, He waved at him, letting him know that he was still here, and watching. All he could do now was listen in.

[Mailliw73]

Electro was almost giddy when Corpsemaker agreed to let him have Starscream as a pet Transformer. A robot with missiles that could transform into a jet? Who wouldn't want control of that? Once Toymaker had made it real and life-size, Electro took Starscream and climbed up to his shoulder. He had the robot walk around and went outside. He tested the missile launchers; they worked great. The houses nearby didn't. His ten soldier bodyguards followed him on the ground. He decided it was time to test the jet. Starscream transformed. It was even better than Electro had imagined as a child.

He ordered his soldiers to wait for him where they were and took off at high speeds. This was a jet he didn't even need to know how to control. And it was his to command. Electro and Starscream sped above Portland. He tested the height limits of Starscream and made it up around fifty-five miles, according to the jet's meters, before it began to stall. He began a nosedive, filled with adrenaline and thrill. Pulling up, out of the nosedive a hundred feet above the Columbia River, he had Starscream perform a loop-de-loop. Electro whooped out of pure joy. The exhilarating feel of soaring above the clouds was irreplaceable. He headed back to the armory and cleared a runway with a few bombs.

Starscream landed and transformed back into robot form, Electro grinning from ear to ear. It had been amazing. He owed Corpsemaker for this. Once he went back into the armory, tailed by his guards, Corpsemaker assigned him and Scorch to recruit or kill minor Epics in the area. Electro wouldn't mind that at all.

[Kobold King]

Altermind proceeded to succinctly summarize the man named CorpseMaker. Lightwards grew more and more troubled as the list of powers and assets went on and on. This was not a tyrant in miniature like the museum quartet. This was the description of a god among Epics--a man who could take whatever he pleased without fear from anyone. An immortal warlord who could kill with a glare, or could simply summon up armies to do the slaughtering for him.

 

Taking over the city was going to be more difficult than Lightwards had anticipated.

 

Soon the waiter brought Altermind's chicken, and the telekinetic dug into it hungrily. Nearby, a woman screamed at her table, clutching her foot as if someone had stabbed it with a knife. Lightwards was irritated by the commotion, but Altermind merely laughed. The woman stopped abruptly as her companions fussed over her, casting nervous glances to see if they had annoyed their Epic neighbors.

 

Altermind did that, Lightwards thought suddenly. He's an illusionist. A sensation of pain should be well within the scope of his powers.

 

Undoubtedly the mental Epic had done this at least partially to show him what he was capable of. Partially, at least--he'd seemed to find genuine mirth in inflicting the random pain.

 

I do seem to seek out the most delightful company, Lightwards brooded irritably.

 

The waiter returned bearing a platter with a large well-cooked steak and a side of baked potato, topped with cheese and sour cream that by all rights shouldn't have been so readily available. Lightwards pushed the steak to one side of his plate and eagerly consumed the potato.

 

Pure heaven. He almost closed his eyes in satisfaction. Cooked to just the right degree of softness, mixed with butter, sprinkled with fine cheddar cheese.

 

He'd much rather concentrate on the potato, but instead he forced himself to concentrate on his sociopathic neighbor. "It seems you can be perfectly excused on your dislike for the man," Lightwards said with a smile. "I'm beginning to see ways in which we might be able to help one another. You call your land Thoughttown--I assume that you are a man of thought and ambition. But it seems clear to me that nothing of value can be accomplished in this city so long as an invincible tyrant like CorpseMaker runs free."

 

He crammed another bite of potato in his mouth.

 

"You are firmly established here--you have much knowledge and greater resources than I can conceive of, I am sure. My faction is new, but it encompasses some of the most powerful Epics I have encountered on the west coast. If we were to arrange a truce--perhaps even an alliance--I cannot imagine CorpseMaker causing much mischief against us."

[Voidus]

Sitting at the bar, SoulSwitch listened carefully to the pair next to him, they'd been thrown out of ThoughtTown recently for failing the test and were discussing what appeared to be a series of bizarre gifts that they and other rejects had received upon their ejection, this sounded exactly like some of the bizarre behavior that some of the odder Epics produced.

"Reg? That you? Thought the missus would have you at home tonight?" A bartender asked, striding over to shake SoulSwitch's hand.
damnation, this is why I prefer animals, people don't recognize animals.
"Managed to get away pretty quickly, kids went to sleep early." he said, matching the bartenders accent and hoping that would suffice.
"Ah, well I can understand the need to take a drink before you slink back, I imagine Kate will give you a bit of grief over sneaking out" the bartender laughed. "Here, let me top you up." The bartender tapped the side of SoulSwitches glass, which immediately became full again.
An Epic? Bingo!
"Cheers! I was hoping to run into you actually" SoulSwitch improvised "Mind if we talk somewhere private for a tick?"
"Ah, no worries Reg, we'll head out back." The bartender replied, lifting the counter to let SoulSwitch through and then taking him to an alley filled with broken glass behind the bar that seemed to be used for trash.

Not waiting for the Epic to speak SoulSwitch left the man, Reg's body, which slumped to the ground, unconscious, appearing next to him, revolver already drawn and level leveled at the Epic.
"Now, who are you, what are your abilities and what other epics are in the area, no sudden moves or you'll be breathing through a hole in yur lungs" he said menacingly to the startled bartender, who stood blinking for a few moments before replying.
"Um, names Steve, Refill to those who know about my power, please, I don't have any kind of combat abilities, you don't need to kill me." Refill pleaded. "The only other Epic I know is Zip, he's hidden nearby but you can't get into his place, only he can."
"Take me there, now." SoulSwitch commanded.

Following the bartender for a short distance he tried to figure the man out, Epics were not usually able to blend into normal society particularly well, their attitudes always revealed them. SoulSwitch was a master infiltrator and even he had trouble with it, how did this man manage? More importantly why would he want to? They reached a blank section of wall slightly further down the alley, and Refill stopped, and pointed to the ground where a positively minuscule door was concealed.
"This is it, Zip can compress things, it's not really shrinking, I don't quite understand it, but no one can get in unless he expands the door again, he'll never open it if he sees me being held, he's a bit paranoid."

Ignoring Refill, SoulSwitch took a look around finding exactly what he'd expect in a darkened alley filled with trash and rotting food. Rats. More than usual it seemed, but that needn't worry him, taking over the body of one of the smaller rats he went directly up to the door, now sized appropriately to his new body, and opened it, with difficulty admittedly rat paws were not particularly designed for operating doors. He expected to arrive in a similarly sized room, but was surprised to find what appeared to be a regular sized house, actually slightly bigger than most could afford. Turning around he saw that the door was also regular sized, how in the world?
Resuming his own form, he strode up the stairs, finding a bedroom where Zip was sleeping. Firing a shot into the ceiling, he aimed the gun at Zip, and directed him out the door until he was side by side with the surprised Refill.
"How on earth did you get in?" Zip asked, astounded.
"Not for you to know, you speak when I speak to you, or when Penumbra does and not otherwise, clear? Good. Now, this way so you can meet your new master. Be glad, you will be a part of a great faction, you will have power!" SoulSwitch said to the newest recruits of Penumbras empire. An Empire of Shadow to combat the empire of light.
Both of the new Epics looked absolutely terrified. 

Edited August 26, 2014 by Voidus

[Edgedancer]

Voidgaze followed the others into a steak house. Not my first choice but I´ll take it, didn´t have something to eat for a while after all. She couldn´t really tell the difference between the types of stakes, so she just ordered something. It might be best to let Altermind do the talking, she wasn´t the best talker after all.

 

The conversation he had with Lightwards was pretty tame for Epics, apart from Altermind shortly flashing pain into the mind of a woman, not nice and from Lightwards´ behavior not exactly effective but still rather basic for a big shot like him. The necromancer on the other hand seemed rather affably, even unpleasantly touched by the woman´s pain.

 

Finally the food arrived, it tasted pretty good. Lightwards apparently had good taste, picking this place. A glance on his plate showed that he especially avoided eating the meat. Why not eat the steak in a steak house... The dinosaurs must come from bones, so meat wouldn´t be that farfetched, still a steak?

 

She broke her silence, when Lightwards offered a truce against Corpsemaker. With an excited rush she stood half-way up, holding herself up on the table, leaning over it, and raised her other hand to call attention to her. “Uh-uh-uh, does that mean I can get a dinosaur?” Realizing that she maybe she should not have done that, she pulled herself back again. “Sorry, I kind of destroyed the mood, didn´t I? Okay getting back on topic, good questions… um... Who are those powerful Epics that work with you? Why would you want a bodyguard that literally fights like a cow? And what would happen, if your steak and mine where made from the same animal?” Sparks, I got sidetracked again there didn´t I?

[Kobold King]

No sooner had he finished bringing up the concept of an alliance when the white lady half stood up from her seat, leaning eagerly over the table.

 

“Uh-uh-uh," she began, apparently unsure of herself. "Does that mean I can get a dinosaur?” She looked quite taken by the idea, but leaned back when she felt the solemn looks being directed at her from around the table.

 

 “Sorry, I kind of destroyed the mood, didn´t I?" she said nervously, resuming her seated posture. "Okay getting back on topic, good questions… um... Who are those powerful Epics that work with you? Why would you want a bodyguard that literally fights like a cow? And what would happen, if your steak and mine where made from the same animal?"

 

Lightwards stared at her, slightly confused. Clearly every Epic in Oregon was a mess of scrambled thoughts. Still though... she seemed like an exceptionally clever young woman. She alone out of their group had realized why he had the steak, and her question about his powers was intriguing. He didn't even know the answer to it. She reminded him of a couple of students he'd taught--flighty and ditzy at times, but possessed of a sharp intellect under the dim appearance. Of course, dim in her case was entirely metaphorical; he'd seldom seen a woman with such a bright white appearance.

 

So he gave the girl a smile. "Well thought out questions," he told her warmly. "Personal dinosaurs are reserved for my inner circle of allies. Of course, if you wished to stay at our museum as an emissary, we could set up arrangements... what are you called?"

[Edgedancer]

Lightwards reacted rather fondly to her questions. "Well thought out questions. Personal dinosaurs are reserved for my inner circle of allies. Of course, if you wished to stay at our museum as an emissary, we could set up arrangements... what are you called?" Of course that could simply be a roundabout recruitment… he does seem nice, though.

 

“I go by the name Voidgaze. Technically, I suppose my name is Rita Blue but no calls me that anyway so I´m not sure if that even matters anymore, then again yesterday someone called me a blueberry and hugged me, which got glitter all over my clothes but she seemed nice, so I don´t think she had any bad intentions and I´m rambling again, aren´t I?”

 

Voidgaze crossed her arms in front of her chest and slightly rolled her head around. “For an emissary and stuff like that you should talk with the boss.” She signaled over to Altermind. I hope I didn´t mess this up in any way. Even if dinosaurs sound awesome, I can´t just go running of. Next to her Al was still eating his McMuffin, although he seemed a bit more tense than was usual for him.

[Mailliw73]

Altermind nodded minutely to Sightline who waved from behind Lightwards. Altermind was annoyed with Voidgaze's interruption and Lightwards's ignorance of Altermind. He was the one in charge, shouldn't he be the one Lightwards was talking to. Especially after proposing an alliance. "Lightwards," he said, cutting off Voidgaze's last word. "Describe these powerful Epics you work with. My friends and I," Altermind made sure to use the word friends, though only Joshua and, to an extent, Flashpoint, fit that description. "We don't just work with anyone. How can we both benefit from this alliance?" Altermind questioned. If the professor ignored him or continued bothering him, he might not be able to make an alliance last. Arrogance didn't sit well with Altermind. He would see what "powerful" Epics Lightwards was working with.

[Voidus]

Leading the two Epics back to Penumbras commandeered house, SoulSwitch again had time to plan, how long would he follow Penumbra? He might be powerful but he was also quite clearly insane, possessed of multiple personalities. By himself SoulSwitch posed no threat to Penumbra, but if he gathered enough Epics, under the guise of expanding Penumbras own rule, together they could take him out.
He reached the house, plans still whirling through his mind and crossed the threshold.
SoulSwitch's own shadow reared up behind him and placed him in a choke hold, gasping noises from behind told him that the other two were similarly trapped. Moving quickly he shifted into a nearby fly and then immediately back, seeming to have teleported halfway across the room.
"Just me Penumbra, I brought gifts." he said, switching accents again to annoy the Epic.

"And what would I want with two sniveling cowards?" Penumbra replied, haughtily staring down the two newcomers, just a bit more pressure and he could snap their necks instantly, but no, he'd best wait and see, difficult though it was to resist the urge to kill, to dominate these lesser life forms utterly.
"Both Epics, sir. Neither particularly powerful, one who can refill liquids and another with some kind of spatial distortion abilities." SoulSwitch said in another of his irritating accents.
Penumbra grudgingly released the two captives. Even lesser Epics like these two could be useful if their abilities were used correctly. Ideas poured through his mind, but though he retained the intelligence of his original self he didn't retain the lifetime of learning, he needed the protector for scientific thoughts like this, loathe though he was to admit it. He shelved the idea for now, he was not about to show any weakness in front of these.
"Well, you actually captured some, well done SoulSwitch, I've... silenced the nearby neighbors, as a reward you can take you pick of the houses for the night, take the liquid Epic with you and come up with a list of Epics, the other one will stay here, I would hear about his abilities. Be here at dawn tomorrow" said Penumbra, dismissing the two.
SoulSwitch sketched a slight bow, the other positively grovelling in his haste to get out.

[Kobold King]

The girl in white leaped straight into another rambling speech. “I go by the name Voidgaze. Technically, I suppose my name is Rita Blue but no calls me that anyway so I´m not sure if that even matters anymore, then again yesterday someone called me a blueberry and hugged me, which got glitter all over my clothes but she seemed nice, so I don´t think she had any bad intentions and I´m rambling again, aren't I?”

 

Despite the general randomness of the spew, Lightwards found his interest slightly aroused. It was rare for any Epic to tell their given name--in a way, it hearkened back to the old superstitions that knowing a person's true name granted power over them. Because if you knew so much about an Epic as to know who they were before Calamity, what else might you know? Biographies? Personal details? A hint at a weakness?

 

When Rita "Voidgaze" Blue told of a woman who called her blueberry, hugged her, and got glitter on her clothes, Lightwards was 100% sure who she was talking about. At least he hoped so--two women with those personality traits roaming free across Portland would be too much to handle by far.

 

Finally, the girl folded her arms over her chest and nodded towards Altermind. “For an emissary and stuff like that you should talk with the boss.”

 

Her boss cut her off at the last word, looking profoundly annoyed at being ignored. "Lightwards," he said pointedly, "Describe these powerful Epics you work with. My friends and I, we don't just work with anyone. How can we both benefit from this alliance?"

 

Lightwards smiled. "I don't think you quite understand how rulership works. Anyone who only works with those they find worthy of their friendship will find themselves too preoccupied with their own egos to use all the resources available to them--"

 

He cut off at the increasingly angry look on Altermind's face. He seemed particularly furious at the confidence Lightwards was displaying. He made a note of it, but decided that continuing to provoke one of the most powerful Epics in the city would not be a wise strategy.

 

So instead he wiped his mouth with a napkin and continued. "The Empire of Light has already accumulated a number of strong Epics. There is myself, of course--unkillable and master of all things expired. There is the woman who calls herself Doctor Funtimes--a woman who might be mad, but whose mastery over matter is a force to be admired nonetheless. There is her consort, a skilled teleporter. The newest member of our group, an energy Epic of uncommon skill and planning ability. And last but not least, there is the commander of our armies, the Epic who calls himself Nighthound--a relentless hunter, as unstoppable as he is unkillable."

 

He took another bite of potato, feeling pleased with his summary. "The power we hold is absolute. Our victory in battle is promised. I do not believe there is a power in Oregon which could hold for long against our ranks."

[Edgedancer]

From Lightwards explanation it seemed that Smiles or Doctor Funtimes, as she apparently calls herself, was part of his empire. More nice people, a good sign, nice people are always good. Who else? Nighthound.

So much for that nice people part.                                                   

 

Voidgaze could feel her body tense up. Alright, I already had a burst out just now; let’s try not to mess this up even further. In an attempt to keep herself calm she pushed her arms against her seat, although she still wobbling around with her legs, and shot a piercing stare at Lightwards. You seem nice enough, hopefully I won´t have to cut you into little ribbons. Stare

[Kobold King]

"And for my next trick, I, Aldo the Enigmatic, shall make all your loved ones disappear!"

 

The bartender froze, struck by both bewilderment and sudden terror. Aldo laughed to himself as he strode into the bar, letting his cape trail along behind him.

 

"Would it kill you to smile?" he asked the bartender with a charming smile of his own. "Because it might kill you not to."

 

The bartender nodded his head slowly, letting out a nervous chuckle.

 

"Now was that so hard? You Portland fellows just can't seem to take a joke." Aldo pulled a miniature bar stool out of one of his many pockets, and flipped it to the floor with a casual spark of his power. It bloated to a much larger size and settled the floor, so the former stage magician took a seat.

 

"Can I get you anything, sir?" asked the barkeep weakly, apparently trying hard not to offend.

 

"Thanks for the offer, but I'm covered." Aldo pulled out a tiny bottle of champagne and similarly increased its size. "If you really want to help, you can tell me what you know about the new Epics in town."

 

The bartender looked like he really didn't want to help, but he smiled anyway. "Of course, sir... the thing is, though, I don't know much about them myself. There was a psychopath who rode a dinosaur through the streets and killed a bunch of people, and he gathered a crowd to watch a professor give a lecture. They're the new big Epics in town. Call themselves the Empire of Light or something."

 

"Hmm. I've heard catchier names," Aldo said, sipping his champagne thoughtfully. "I suppose they're behind the museum of natural history floating in the sky?"

 

"That's what I've heard, sir."

 

Aldo nodded his head. The bartender, of course, knew absolutely nothing of value. His stupid voice helped Aldo think, however.

 

Times were tough in the Fractured States. So many Epics terrifying so many people. Back in the good old days, sawing a woman in half was all in took to get whatever you wanted. Nowadays vanilla folk treated Epics with respect and plenty of spirits, but the sense of power and majesty had diminished in their hearts.

 

These Empire fellas, though... they had the souls of showmen. Rising a dusty old museum into the heavens. Marching dinosaurs down the street. Raining pancakes. Magnificent! He wished he'd seen it all himself just to give the Empire folks a round of applause.

 

Aldo took a last gulp of champagne, shot the bartender three times in the face, and helped himself to some fine bottles on the back shelf. Each one he shrank to a tenth of their original size and stashed away in his pockets.

 

The other patrons watched timidly as he left. They didn't watch with awe, oh no--they treated Epics like they'd treated fast-driving cars, or a rabid dog. Something to be feared, but not respected.

 

Outside the bar, a young woman leaned against a wall and glared at passersby. She wore plain clothes for an Epic--just a tight cyan shirt, a pair of shorts, and sneakers. Her only real distinguishing characteristic was a bright green grasshopper tattoo on her upper thigh, which bespoke her particular talent.

 

"Figured out what we're doing yet?" she asked grumpily.

 

"Finding a new assistant, maybe," Aldo replied. "Would it kill you to smile every now and then?" Cricket mouthed along as he finished his catchphrase. "Because it might kill you not to."

 

Calamity, am I really getting that predictable? the magician thought. He made a note to be a little more random from here on out.

 

"Remember how I said we're free agents, and we're not going to get saddled down with an alliance?" he asked her pointedly.

 

"How could I not," Cricket snarked back. "You only bragged about it in every bar from here to Newcago."

 

Aldo decided to ignore that. "Well, it's time we settled down. This Empire of Light is perfect for us. Big, strong, and shiny."

 

"We going up there, then?" the girl nodded up at the museum, which still floated in the sky and cast a long shadow as the sun set behind it.

 

"Not tonight," said Aldo. "If we went up there now, they'd mistake us for common burglars. When we go up there, we want them to recognize us as very uncommon burglars."

 

Cricket yawned. "Fine by me. Let's find a hotel and get some sleep."

 

"How many times do I have to tell you, Cricket?" Aldo said with his most mysterious smile. "Everywhere's a hotel if you kill the owners."

 

The pair of them walked down the street arm in arm. Aldo continued to stare up at the floating museum, fascinated by the gentle way it bobbed up and down in place. When he got up there...

 

People of Oregon, he thought dreamily. You're about to witness to show of a lifetime.

[Mailliw73]

The more Lightwards talked, the more Altermind hated him. He gritted his teeth as Lightwards began, "I don't think you quite understand how rulership works. Anyone who only works with those they find worthy of their friendship will find themselves too preoccupied with their own egos to use all the resources available to them--." Altermind was staring death into Lightwards's face. If he had been CorpseMaker, Altermind could've killed Lightwards in an instant.

"The Empire of Light has already accumulated a number of strong Epics. There is myself, of course--unkillable and master of all things expired. There is the woman who calls herself Doctor Funtimes--a woman who might be mad, but whose mastery over matter is a force to be admired nonetheless. There is her consort, a skilled teleporter. The newest member of our group, an energy Epic of uncommon skill and planning ability. And last but not least, there is the commander of our armies, the Epic who calls himself Nighthound--a relentless hunter, as unstoppable as he is unkillable," the professor continued. So that's who the teleporter and matter manipulator are. Altermind took in these new facts and names. He had heard of all of these from the bank turned bouncy castle and from his spies, but the energy Epic was a new one. He'd haveli make sure to learn more about him.

 

"The power we hold is absolute. Our victory in battle is promised. I do not believe there is a power in Oregon which could hold for long against our ranks."

Altermind replied, "Who promised you this victory, I'd like to know. Must've been someone with little faith in themselves. I, for one, never promise victory to anyone aside from myself. But you do have quite the team. I think," Altermind said as he took another bite of chicken, "a temporary collaboration could be feasible. An alliance is impossible, but I think both of us would benefit from working against CorpseMaker. An enemy's enemy, right?" Altermind decided that he would work with this so-called "Empire" if it would help him eliminate CorpseMaker int he process. And who knew, maybe some Epics of this Empire would die in the process. Altermind wasn't very Sad at the prospect. Particularly if that Epic was this necromancer.

[Voidus]

Penumbra stared at the remaining Epic intently.
"So, space altering abilities is it? Show me what you can do." He said, placing his glass in front of Zip.
The Epic froze terrified for a moment, but then looked at the glass and concentrated, and it suddenly shrunk to a tenth it's former size. Penumbra picked it up and upended it, as soon as the water left the boundaries of the glass it expanded back to regular size.
"Interesting. So you compress the amount of space it takes up, but the object itself retains it's volume. This could be very interesting. For now, I want you to compress this house so no one can find it."
As Zip closed his eyes in concentration again Penumbra closed his own.
Protector? You retain the old memories don't you? I need someone with more scientific knowledge than what's leaked through.
And why would you think I'd help? You can protect yourself just fine, it's only Phoenix that I care about. The Protector replied.

Because if you don't I'll destroy Phoenix's mind utterly. Penumbra mentally hissed.
Give me the body then, and I'll help you.
With a great mental sigh Penumbra switched, he was the strongest of the three now and could always take control again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Protector opened his eyes, what a mess they'd gotten themselves into, how was he going to get them out of this one? Even the pleasant Funtimes was unlikely to forgive him for this. Struck with a sudden idea he decided to see if he could control the Epic powers that they'd gained with Penumbras appearance. He concentrated and the shadows nearby stirred, but as they did so did Penumbra's presence, minor control at best it seemed.
Now what to do? Well, best start with opening communications again.
He penned a letter to Funtimes, she seemed the best of the group to start contacting, he already had leverage over her and Traveller.
He gave her the address that Penumbra had based himself at and explained what had happened as best he could, he just had to hope that would be enough until he managed to wrest the control back to either him or Phoenix.
He found a nearby inhabited house, scared the residents with some minor shadow manipulation and made them promise to find Funtimes and deliver the letter. That done he needed to speak to Phoenix.
Phoenix? He mentally called.
What's happening, I can't see or hear, and that thing, Penumbra he's me but he's an Epic, but so am I, and how is this happening?! Confused ramblings were all that Protector received no matter how much he tried to calm Purple Phoenix. Perhaps he could still communicate while Penumbra was in control? Well no way to tell, returning to the house he discovered that Zip had successfully hidden it, when he saw that 'Penumbra' was back he expanded it long enough for him to enter.
"I'm sorry about how this all happened" Protector said to the terrified Epic.
"I'm sorry to tell you that the Epic you now serve is a little, unstable. I'll try to prevent anything horrible happening." he promised.
With that, he went upstairs and found a bed. He could only hope that somehow tomorrow would improve their situation.

[Kobold King]

He expected Altermind's group to be impressed as he explained the powers of his allies. He was disappointed to find that the group seemed to be mostly indifferent.

 

Mostly. Voidgaze, who'd maintained an amiable expression even when he'd shown unconcealed contempt for her boss, was now glaring at him across the table as if she were trying to replicate CorpseMaker's power.

 

What did I say? Lightwards thought, flabbergasted yet again. He stared at her from across the table, trying to figure her out. She had a look of anger on her face, but her arms were stiff and she seemed to wobble in her seat.

 

Altermind continued speaking with his irritable hostility. "Who promised you this victory, I'd like to know. Must've been someone with little faith in themselves. I, for one, never promise victory to anyone aside from myself. But you do have quite the team. I think." The mental Epic took a hefty bite of chicken. "A temporary collaboration could be feasible. An alliance is impossible, but I think both of us would benefit from working against CorpseMaker. An enemy's enemy, right?"

 

"Of course," replied Lightwards, relieved. "Joining forces, at least for a little while, is certain to keep CorpseMaker on his toes. We will require any information you possess concerning his associates, and any up-to-date maps you keep would be helpful for our mutual cause. If you keep us updated with information, that will leave the Empire free to take the battle straight to CorpseMaker..."

 

He trailed off, suddenly making a connection in his head. Voidgaze's body language suddenly made sense to him. She was scared. She'd reacted with fear and sudden anger when Lightwards had listed off his allies. One of the Epics currently serving the Empire had done something horrible to this young woman. Something horrible enough to inspire the terror of an Epic.

 

Someone working for the Empire had hurt her badly, and it was unlikely to be the Epic who'd hugged her and called her blueberry.

 

Making an educated guess, Lightwards cleared his throat and directed his attention to Rita Blue. "I do hope our mutual associate Nighthound will not be an issue... you didn't seem keen to hear his name mentioned. I assure you that we have him under control. He won't lay a finger on any ally of mine."

[Edgedancer]

Voidgaze continued to stare at Lightwards, as he and Altermind continued their negotiation for an alliance. She had mixed feelings on the process, two thirds of his empire seemed to be okay, and for the rest… there´s a chance Altermind will bring it up, he knows about Nighthound after all. He didn´t.

 

Lightwards seemed to notice though, so props for him. "I do hope our mutual associate Nighthound will not be an issue... you didn't seem keen to hear his name mentioned. I assure you that we have him under control. He won't lay a finger on any ally of mine."

 

She gave a short couple of blinks and then said, “Is that code for `please don´t try to kill him either?´” Voidgaze accompanied her questions with air quotes, “I suppose I could hold back but an apology at the very least would still be nice.” Her arms wandered back to her seat.

Stare.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Edgedancer

[Kobold King]

Voidgaze blinked at him for a moment, and then raised her fingers into air quotes. "Is that code for 'please don´t try to kill him either?' I suppose I could hold back but an apology at the very least would still be nice."

 

Lightwards sighed. His guess had been correct--of any of the Empire's current Epics, Nighthound was indeed the most likely to traumatize a pleasant young woman. He wasn't sure if he should applaud  his own deductive ability or kick himself for his choice of allies.

 

And milking an apology out of the man? Sparks. Despite what he said, Lightwards wasn't even sure how to keep him from ripping out Voidgaze's throat at the sight of her.

 

Suddenly, he had an idea. He looked into Voidgaze's icy stare--which was possibly the reason she was called "Voidgaze"--and smiled. "An apology? Absolutely. I'll have him write you a formal apology and send it to your current address."

 

She was unlikely to have ever seen his handwriting, if the feral creature could even write at all. How hard could forging a letter be?

 

-----------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------

 

Samantha Trattner felt like she'd traveled back in time, and she wasn't happy about it. With an irritable sigh she pushed some kind of annoyingly springy prehistoric fern out of her way and pressed on through the dense foliage.

 

She'd never been much of an outdoors person, but it was looking like she'd just have to get used to it. If these imperialist slontzes wanted to live in the world's smelliest sauna, there wasn't exactly anything she could do about it.

 

Her new co-worker seemed to be taking this in stride. The hippie was serenely making her way among the plants, her tie dyed T-shirt and flower-emblazoned skirt making her figure obvious to anyone with the slightest trace of color recognition.

 

"You don't seem to like jungles much," the hippie said cheerfully, stopping to pet a vacant-eyed Stegosaurus that lounging against a mossy wall.

 

"I don't know how you put up with it," Sam replied, slightly irked. "It's hot, it's wet, and this one's prowling with dinosaurs."

 

"Zombie dinosaurs," the hippie pointed out. "They don't bite unless they're told."

 

"Well it's a good thing they're controlled by such a kind and nature-loving man," she snarked in response. "I don't know what we'd do if he were a crazy slontze or something."

 

The hippie only chuckled quietly. "You're funny."

 

"I don't really see what's funny about all of this." That wasn't entirely true. The way the other Epics treated Funtimes was humorous in its own way--she thought that the necromancer was going to have an aneurysm when Funtimes started making out with her boyfriend during his speech.

 

Finally they reached what may have had one point been a gift shop in the museum. One of its walls was thick and made of stone, while the others were still delicate glass constructs. One was shattered.

 

"Looks like we missed some fighting in here," the hippie said, squatting down among the ferns. "There are broken snowglobes all over the place."

 

"And ibuprofen," Sam added, picking up a small red pill from where it lay in a patch of dirt. She picked up a children's botany book from a display shelf, flipping through it. There were plenty of dinosaur paintings with period-specific plants. "This looks promising."

 

"As does this," the hippie replied, holding up a diorama with an outrageous price tag appended to it. "Let's get back to the good Doctor then, shall we?"

 

Sam nodded, and the pair began to come back the way they came. A few raptors lay on the sides of the path, glaring at them with menace.

 

"I never caught your name," she said. "What is it?"

 

"Revolution Sunburst Jones," her companions said proudly with a wide smile.

 

Sam stopped in the path momentarily. "That is the most seditious name I've ever heard."

 

"Thank you," Revolution said sweetly. "I'd hurry if I were you. Those raptors look smart. I don't think Lightwards bothers to control them as much as he should."

 

Lightwards? Sam could have sworn his name was Light-wars.

 

She didn't consider herself a flighty person, but she did pick up her pace after one of the dinosaurs began to direct a low growl at her. "My name's Sam. Sam Trattner," she told Revolution as she speeded up the path.

 

"It's very nice to meet you, Samantha Trattner," Revolution replied with a smile.

 

Before Sam could object to the hippie's guessed use of her full name, they came to a murky jungle river right across the middle of their path.

 

"She's really going all out with this," she said, her jaw dropping slightly. Where the Calamity was the water even coming from?

 

Revolution shrugged. "Some Epics like being showy. There's a garden just outside of Portland where the Trimmer uses his landscaping powers to make enormous topiaries of his enemies, just so he can set them on fire every night. There's a cliffside right on the California border that someone sculpted into a giant Möbius strip. In Astoria there's a whole stretch of coast that an Epic's turned into solid diamond decorated with human heads. And of course you've heard of Newcago--a city of steel covered in night."

 

Sam nodded grimly. "All Epics are slontzes."

 

"A lot of them," Revolution admitted. "But some of them are just cuckoos. Let's get back to our cuckoo before one of the slontzes stumbles across us."

 

The found a neatly carved log bridge over the jungle river and began their trek back to Funtimes.

 

"Revolution?"

 

"Yes, Sam?"

 

"I've decided I might like you. Haven't decided yet."

 

Revolution just smiled.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Kobold King

[Mailliw73]

"Of course," replied Lightwards. "Joining forces, at least for a little while, is certain to keep CorpseMaker on his toes. We will require any information you possess concerning his associates, and any up-to-date maps you keep would be helpful for our mutual cause. If you keep us updated with information, that will leave the Empire free to take the battle straight to CorpseMaker..." The necromancer trailed off. Altermind realized Voidgaze was staring fiercely at the professor. Altermind was curious as to what she was angry about. Lightwards cleared it up for him, "I do hope our mutual associate Nighthound will not be an issue... you didn't seem keen to hear his name mentioned. I assure you that we have him under control. He won't lay a finger on any ally of mine." Altermind cocked an eyebrow at that. He claimed to have complete control over Nighthound? That was the strength Epic who had been reported surviving the street fight against the trio of Epics. One tough slanted, that Nighthound character was. And Lightwards presumed to be able to control him? Well, if it would keep a useful asset alive, for now, Altermind wouldn't point out the obvious flaw in the letter apology.

"Currently she's staying with me. Send it to Thoughttown. We'll get it to her," Altermind said to Lightwards. "Back to CorpseMaker. I've told you all I know about him. All I know about the energy Epic is that he can slice through things. That's all. The fire Epic used to be my associate. He worked for me. His name is Scorch. He isn't particularly smart or imaginative. He can form things with fire, but tends to throw fireballs only." Leaning in to whisper, Altermind said, "His weakness is comics of the DC brand. Particularly the Watchmen series. In Thoughttown, I have people working on gathering all available copies of the comic. I bet your matter manipulator could help us out with that if she had a model to work from." Altermind prepared to leave, and made one last comment, "If you need to discuss further, send someone to Thoughttown. We'll discuss more. I'll have someone send the maps to your museum. Have a good night." Altermind stood and gestured for the others to follow him he was glad to be done with the arrogance of the professor for the night. He headed back to the Sportsmans warehouse to gather their vehicles.

[Edgedancer]

Lightwards meet Voidgaze´s stare and told her that she would get a formal apology by letter. Well at least that is an apology, although it sounds like a cheap way out. Then again, there most likely would be a chance to get something in person later on.

 

After the two big shots finished their conversation, Voidgaze followed Altermind outside and shot one look back at Lightwards. “I´m counting on that apology and have a good night.” She accompanied her goodbyes with a big wave.

The Thoughttown group headed back to their vehicles. Seems like this day is as good as over.

[Kobold King]

Voidgaze didn't answer immediately, seeming somewhat dissatisfied with Lightwards' letter solution. An increasingly harried-looking Altermind broke into the conversation again.

 

"Currently she's staying with me. Send it to Thoughttown. We'll get it to her," the illusionist said grumpily. "Back to CorpseMaker. I've told you all I know about him. All I know about the energy Epic is that he can slice through things. That's all. The fire Epic used to be my associate. He worked for me. His name is Scorch. He isn't particularly smart or imaginative. He can form things with fire, but tends to throw fireballs only."

 

Unexpectedly, Altermind leaned in closer and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. "His weakness is comics of the DC brand. Particularly the Watchmen series. In Thoughttown, I have people working on gathering all available copies of the comic. I bet your matter manipulator could help us out with that if she had a model to work from."

 

An Epic whose weakness was comic book superheroes? Lightwards smiled at the irony. His smile faded slightly as he deliberated to never let Altermind uncover his own weakness. The illusionist was apparently the kind of Epic who'd spill the secret to strangers he'd just met in a steakhouse while filling his part of town with the nullifying agent. The thought of Lightwards' own weakness being exploited in this way was unnerving in a number of ways.

 

Atermind and his group began to rise from their table. "If you need to discuss further, send someone to Thoughttown. We'll discuss more. I'll have someone send the maps to your museum. Have a good night."

 

The Thoughttown Epics filed out of the restaurant, but Voidgaze paused for a moment by the door. “I´m counting on that apology and have a good night.” She waved, but her face was still noticeably more hostile to him than from before he'd mentioned Nighthound. She turned and followed her allies out the door, leaving Lightwards alone with the waiter and his baked potato.

 

The professor leaned into his seat, scooped up another bite, and let out a sigh of relief. The meeting could have gone better--but it could also have ended with him being murdered multiple times in brief succession. Altogether, the dinner had gone well. Finishing up what remained of his potato, Lightwards rose to his feet and headed out the door.

 

It was later than he'd anticipated--the sun was finally setting below the Portland skyline, and the warm red glow of Calamity was steadily becoming more distinct. The Warriors he'd stationed on raptorback remained in the steakhouse parking lot, their faces and postures unchanged from when he'd left them.

 

"Come along, girls," Lightwards yawned. "It's been a busy day. Let's head back to the Museum."

 

 ---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------

 

The jungle smelled of blood and death and stone.

 

The biggest male raptor sat on his haunches, snout pointing aimlessly into space. Everything felt so wrong. The smells, the sights, the sounds. He had a nagging feeling in the back of his head that he'd awoken from a long nap. The longest nap he'd ever had. But any attempt at thought beyond that always led him to the same conclusion--the alpha mammal, the one with the strange green headcrest. The one whose chittering voice filled his head.

 

He wanted to hunt. It had been such a long while since he'd hunted. A pair of female mammals walked past him, and his nostrils flared involuntarily. He smelled every drop of sweat on their skin. He could hear the blood gushing through their veins, and he wished nothing more than to dig his claws into their bodies and feel the warm surge for himself.

 

But he did not. He sat still, his snout pointed aimlessly into space. The jungle smelled of blood and death and stone, and he stood still, unable to bring himself to move.

 

When a male mammal stepped into the clearing, the smell of anger and aggression strong in his scent, the raptor almost attacked. He pushed himself, anxious to bite into the mammal's neck. But no matter what, his feet would not move. All he could do is sit and wait for the strange voice to stop talking in his mind.

 

Because the second he could move his limbs and the commanding mammal voice quieted, he knew he would take control of his pack and slaughter every mammal they could find in this wretched jungle.

 

-----------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------

 

Lightwards stepped out of the pterodactyl-drawn litter and entered the Museum. At once, his eyes widened in amazement.

 

The Museum had been completely redesigned. No longer did NASCAR posters or dusty museum pieces line the walls. No longer did broken display cases line the halls. Instead, the moonlit hallways of the museum looked like a forest that could have grown a hundred million years previously.

 

Lightwards' jaw dropped. The floors were made of dirt instead of tiles, and the air felt rich and moist. Even most of the plants were technically accurate. Lightwards had consulted on prehistory exhibits for museums before, but this replica of a bygone age left them all behind. It actually felt like he was standing in a Jurassic jungle, and the childlike voice in his head was squealing with glee.

 

Had Funtimes done this? Still staring speechless at the primordial forest around him, the necromancer had the raptor-mounted Warriors escort him on either side and headed deeper into the jungle-museum, calling his associates' names.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

"Traveler? Doctor Funtimes?" 

 

Looks like we're being summoned, Nathan thought with no small degree of irritation. He had hoped whatever business Lightwards was attending to would keep him occupied for some time—most of the night, at least. Had he not intervened, Nathan had no doubt the fight between the so-called Emperor and Nighthound would still be raging, the only difference being a few more deaths and resurrections on Lightwards' part and more casualties among Portlanders. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he had assumed this mission would be similar. 

 

Apparently, his assumption was wrong. 

 

"Doctor Funtimes?" 

 

Oh well. At least the plants and the distant murmur of a river muffled his voice somewhat. If Lightwards ever annoyed him in the future, Nathan could pretend not to hear him and claim the jungle's background noise as an excuse. The thought of ignoring him—of ignoring any Epic—purely for his own benefit was both exhilarating and terrifying. 

 

Would Funtimes protect him if he did that? 

 

Silly him. She had doused Lightwards in gasoline and turned his introductory speech into a make-out session. Of course she would. 

 

Funtimes giggled and put her hands on his shoulders, her whisper barely carrying over the sound of water and rustling leaves. "Okay, on three, we go behind him. One…" 

 

"Behind him?"

 

"To surprise him, silly! Two….three!" 

 

On her count, they appeared behind the necromancer and what appeared to be a pair of twins, both mounted on dinosaurs. Funtimes jumped before he could react, gripping his shoulders with an enormous grin on her face. "Surprise! Happy Unbirthday!" 

 

-----------------------------------

 

The dinosaurs were restless. 

 

Remington felt more than saw it. There was a tension in the air, mingling with the smell of air and leaves and moisture, the sense of predators stalking prey—with him as the prey this time, him and the other two. Three, if he counted the Unicyclist, but Remington hadn't seen him since leaving Funtimes with an adequate supply of ammo. 

 

A raptor stared him down as he passed, big snake-eyes glinting in the moonlight. There was hunger in those eyes, and sharp teeth in that still-closed mouth. Remington wanted to shoot the thing while it was still unmoving, but Lightwards wasn't the sort to hesitate before meting out his sick sense of justice. Remington would be a zombie himself in ten seconds flat if he shot without provocation. 

 

On the other hand, if Funtimes approved….

 

No. That Epic was too unstable. Too strange. She might protect him, or she might decide his eyes would look prettier with a vacant stare in them. There was no way to tell with that woman. Traveler would go along with whatever she decided, so he couldn't expect any protection from his corner. 

 

He heard a voice calling for Funtimes and Traveler. The transformer's voice followed a minute later with a "Surprise! Happy Unbirthday!" that would have been deafening in the museum. It was still loud in the jungle, but less so. 

 

"C'mon," he told the other two. The goth carried a book and the hippie a diorama of some sort. Neither was armed. He doubted either knew how to shoot and vowed to rectify that. "Let's get you away from that thing," he said, nodding at the lizard. 

 

If you so much as think about touching one of them, he thought, that slontze'll be scraping little pieces of you off the walls. 

Edited August 29, 2014 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Kobold King]

It happened in an instant.

 

There was a slight whoosh of displaced air against Lightwards back. He turned around, confused, only to have an earsplitting shout fill his ears.

 

"Surprise! Happy Unbirthday!"

 

He recognized her voice even with the shriek his raptors let loose, and the colors of her dress even in the moonlit forest. His heart thumping in his chest, he somehow managed to yell "Stop" at his dinosaurian guards. The raptors had lunged forward in an instant, their claws and fangs flashing in the moonlight and halting mere inches from their targets.

 

Lightwards faintly leaned against a tree, his hand pressed against his chest. "Never sneak up on me like that," he scolded, glaring at Funtimes. "You almost had your head bitten off."

 

The Doctor still looked unrepentantly pleased with herself, while Traveler still had a somewhat startled look on his face. He always had that look, as if he were completely bewildered at the strange places Funtimes dragged him around to.

 

Still breathing rapidly from his shock, Lightwards frowned. That couldn't be right--Traveler was the teleporter, so by rights he'd be the one dragging Funtimes around. So why did he always look so surprised?

 

Before he could decipher another one of Oregon's great mysteries, he saw a line of three people coming out of a nearby patch of forest.

 

"I see you still have those pieces of human jetsam with you," he said contemptuously. "The goth, the treehugger, and the backwater bumpkin. At least that moron with the bagpipes is gone. The idiot probably rolled off the edge of the Museum."

 

He shook his head which was growing increasingly airy as the night wore on. He should probably find a place to sleep and prepare for a busy day tomorrow--

 

That's when the goth started speaking.

 

-----------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------

 

It had gotten dark in the jungle, darker then Sam could keep up with. Surprisingly her attire was beginning to blend in with the surroundings. It'd never occurred to her that the black dress she wore could become camouflage.

 

One of the raptors glared at the girls as they walked by, its eyes shining with malevolence. She knew that people had a tendency to anthropomorphize animals, but somehow there was no mistaking the cold fury in its expression and body language. It made her uncomfortable to be around it.

 

From further up ahead, the hunter Remington stepped out of thick brush and waved to them. "She's back this way," he said, his eyes drifting to the raptors. "Stay close and we just might see if this 30-06 works like it should."

 

There was a cry from deeper in the forest--not a dinosaur cry, but the sound of a woman's voice shouting "Surprise! Happy Unbirthday!" Sam raised an eyebrow and Revolution gave another one of her expressionless smiles.

 

"C'mon," Remington told them. ""Let's get you away from that thing." He nodded at the raptor, which gave a faint, almost imperceptible hiss in response.

 

"Sounds like a good idea," Sam proclaimed, moving away from it. "They're creepy things, aren't they? Like big birds with crocodile heads."

 

The three humans moved through the forest over a short but overgrown distance. Eventually a number of other shapes became visible in the moonlight: Funtimes and her boyfriend along with an irritable looking Lightwards. A pair of raptors stood beside him, with what seemed to be identical twins mounted on their backs. Their faces, as best as Sam could make out, possessed not even a glimmer of personality.

 

"I see you still have those pieces of human jetsam with you," Lightwards was saying, looking at the human trio with open disdain. "The goth, the treehugger, and the backwater bumpkin."

 

Remington kept looking at the Epic with the quiet fury that characterized him, while Revolution simply smiled in his direction. Sam put her hands on her hips and gave him an offended look.

 

"At least that moron with the bagpipes is gone," Lightwards continued. "The idiot probably rolled off the edge of the Museum."

 

For a split second, Sam considered suppressing the comeback that popped into her head.

 

Only for a split second, of course. "Guess he got sick of the gas smell," she shot at the necromancer. "Ever been around someone whose shirt turned into gas? I wanted to jump off too."

 

Lightwards stared at her with a mixture of shock and rage. Before he could respond, Revolution chimed in.

 

"Don't mock the man, Samantha," Revolution scolded. "I think he's a great boss."

 

Sam cocked an eyebrow. "You do?"

 

"Of course. That hat is simply magnificent--it makes me think of a joyous leprechaun every time I look at him."

 

The girls laughed softly as Lightwards grew more and more flushed. His eyes furrowed into a scowl that swept across them. If he'd been a leprechaun before, now he was a basilisk.

 

"Enjoy your mouths, ladies," he growled finally. "You might not have them forever."

 

With that, he summoned his raptors and headed deeper into the forest.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

"I see you still have those pieces of human jetsam with you," Lightwards was saying, looking at the human trio with open disdain. "The goth, the treehugger, and the backwater bumpkin."

 

Nathan knew that look, that tone. Coming from an Epic, it made every word—no matter what they were—a clear message: "Say anything but 'I'm sorry, it won't happen again,' and I will end you so slowly you'll say it a hundred times as you bleed. He was glad Lightwards' attention was fixed on the three defiant humans in front of him, because he didn't think he could make the appropriate faces for an Epic watching their pain. 

 

"At least that moron with the bagpipes is gone," Lightwards continued. "The idiot probably rolled off the edge of the Museum."

 

It was a challenge. A call for one or all of them to make good on their icy glares. 

 

And the goth answered it. "Guess he got sick of the gas smell. Ever been around someone whose shirt turned into gas? I wanted to jump off too."

 

"Don't mock the man, Samantha. I think he's a great boss."

 

"You do?"

 

"Of course. That hat is simply magnificent--it makes me think of a joyous leprechaun every time I look at him."

 

Nathan felt himself beginning to smile, felt it tugging at the corners of his mouth, threatening to draw them upward in a prelude to a treacherous laugh. He tried to squelch it, but the smile was there and it wouldn't leave without some tragedy to show it the door. 

 

Then he glanced at Funtimes. The good Doctor's grin was the widest he'd ever seen in his short time with her, lighting up her face like an electric bulb in a lantern meant for candles. And every bit of that light was directed at the two women mocking their ally. 

 

Lightwards' face went from pale to the color of tomato juice in less than a minute. He no longer looked like the Emperor of Light, or even an Epic, for that matter. He looked like a ridiculous little man in an idiotic blue suit, wearing a bowler hat decorated by an overzealous four-year-old. Nathan expected him to fly into a rage, screaming about his stolen gold in the worst Irish brogue imaginable. 

 

He wasn't a ruler. He wasn't a god. He was just absurd. 

 

Nathan laughed. And once he started, he didn't think he could ever stop. 

--------------------------------------

"Enjoy your mouths, ladies. You might not have them forever."

 

That was the worst threat Remington had ever heard—worse even than Trimmer's standard make-a-topiary-in-your-likeness-and-burn-it-at-sundown. The thought of that ludicrous professor—that joyous leprechaun—stealing their mouths and…what? Putting them in a jar? Reanimating them as two of his stupid Warriors? Would their bodies spring from their lips, or would he be stuck with two pair of sentient lips in his army? 

 

The thought, and the accompanying laugh, knocked him against a tree. 

 

Tears were pouring down his cheeks by the time he felt a pair of arms around his waist. Doctor Funtimes smiled up at him. "I like you, Remington." 

 

Samantha was next, and then the hippie. Both received an embrace and a declaration of like. When the Unicyclist rolled in on a unicycle modified with an off-road wheel, she pranced over and threw her arms around him and announced he was included in the circle of people she liked. 

 

Traveler watched her while wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. 

 

Calamity, that wasn't right either. Epics didn't laugh at "vanilla" jokes. Those rum raisins laughed at one another, at pain, death, or general mayhem. No self-respecting Epic would find a remark from a regular human hippie funny, let alone a newborn eager to prove how far he was willing to go. The dissonance nagged at him, but he couldn't make heads nor tails of it. 

 

Once everyone had received a hug, Doctor Funtimes pranced around the group, herding them in like a colorful, glittering Pomeranian herding cows. "Let's go home let's go home! You all get to see where we live and it's going to be so amazing!" 

 

With any other Epic, Remington would have disagreed. But she liked the rebels and dated a man who liked to laugh. He decided to keep an open mind. 

-----------------------------------

"Here we are here we are!" Funtimes' cheer greeted Remington before the sight of the cottage, before he had a chance to release Samantha's hand. And what a sight it was. 

 

Every wall was painted a different color, with no regard for matches or complements. In the living room where they landed, a red wall stood beside one of pale pink, which bordered one of bright yellow, with a bright purple ceiling over a rug shaped like a smiley face. Furniture was painted and shaped to look like wild animals—zebras, lions, wildebeests—or else like unicorns, trains, boats, and fairies. 

 

Laurie would have loved this. 

 

Remington pushed the thought—and the pain—aside as Funtimes skipped ahead, dragging two leopard-print chairs through an open door. She emerged a moment later, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she waved both hands over the sofa, changing it to a twin bed shaped like a smiling train. Two armchairs received a similar treatment. 

 

If she'd gotten her wish before—

 

He stuffed that thought down just as the Doctor began speaking. "Okie dokie loki," she said, still bouncing, still grinning. "Remington, Mr. Unicycle, you sleep here. Samantha and—" she broke off in a giggle—"tell me your name when you want 'cause I'm sure it's awesome, you have the other room." She skipped over to Traveler and threw her arms around him. "We have our own room." 

 

Traveler smiled down at her. He still looked ready to burst into laughter. Still thinking about that leprechaun, I guess. 

 

Not that Remington blamed him. As far as he was concerned, Lightwards was the Emperor of Leprechauns from that moment forward. 

 

Funtimes bounced again, then put her hands to her mouth and squealed with glee. She dashed forward, wrapped her arms around the hippie, and jumped up and down. "You're here! You're all so here and it's amazing!" 

 

Traveler smiled, his hands shoved in his pockets. "We'd best get some sleep, dear. Who knows what we've got tomorrow." 

 

She pulled back, grinning up at the hippie like a child who had just met Santa. Not one of those fake mall Santas that was more likely to hit on your wife, but the real, North Pole Kris Kringle. After a moment, she took Traveler's hand and bounced into their room, closing the door. 

 

"Well," Remington told his companions after a minute of awkward silence. "Let's get to bed. No use trying the locks, I expect. She's probably got something up her sleeve we couldn't know about."