Usseewa

well at the very least it's cute, which is what I've been and what i was aiming for. imo. *eats a spoon of salt just so it—* ————— the problem is how do i know if it's actually affirming? cuz if im not a girl then it's not affirming. if i am, then great and i can continue. but if I'm not I'm just continuing the delulu..

i don't get it please explain my brain is wiped clean and burned fried up and roasted

but i feel like I'm just telling myself I'm a supposed to be a girl and listening to that but obviously i still doubt myself and idk. my brain is too confused to know what i think at the moment... but i feel like I've doubted a lot...? but.. for me I just basically saw the word "trans" and was like "ooh! new thing to obsess over!" at least whateevr that's how i see it maybe kinda..? i wish I'd discovered it through something like that. i mean.... I won't get into details but...uhhh.. yeh nvmmmmmm i barely even know how or why i discovered anything me trans i wish a lot i could go back and see exactly what i was thinking at certain moments. but uh.. depression? does that count as being intoxicated? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DAMN HARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD like ugh I can't stormin understand ANYTHING like 6 months ...? cough hrt cough btw to answer your question from your last post i forgot to... i probably wanted hrt cuz i thought i should i say "probably" because i don't actually know why i wanted it, or maybe i do and don't want to admit it to myself. if faking being trans means i probably am trans... then what about... being worried I'm faking it..? idk sis... ughh now i just feel stupid again do all these stupid "sign" and thoughts or experiences in my dumb past even mean anything or am i just manipulating or altering then to fit the narrative? this is part of what's holding me back with the hrt doctor people.. because i don't wanna sound like a stormin idiot.. well.. i guess i was female-presenting without realizing it a lot. i mean i kinda did realize but not in a "oh that means I'm trans" way..? idk idk i feel like i just keep inventing parts of my past as "evidence" and crap.

Knowledge Armed with knowledge, I am. Protected from lies, she is. Able to know, The truth from the nonsense. Able to tell, When to believe. Or maybe she can't, And I believe nothing. - She

Authentic Self Who am... I? What is "me," "myself"? This entity? What do "I" want? What... "makes me happy"? When I can't define... Anything, anymore. How can I know when I'm happy, When I'm living true? - Lilith (Lily)

how do i know I'm not just internalizing (or whatever the word is) being trans and like making myself believe it..? idk what to say/do/think because like again today i literally literally felt like a girl and i was like sitting at my school and looking blankly ahead sort of but imagining myself in that moment and seeing myself as a girl but also just looking forward out of my eyes, i felt like i was.. looking from the perspective of a girl? idk if that makes sense. plus i was wearing a pretty cute outfit :3 but still even with thar I'm not entirely sure and now i don't know if i should just forget/move past these doubts at this point? I've had this many times before.. like when I gotta start an essay sometimes i stall and complain to myself or others and in my head i make it this impossible making me wanna curl up and cry/die thing.. and then eventually I begin to see that i can actually do it.. and then after that it takes a little bit to.. transition from the state of mind and, like, accept that i can stop crying about it and just do it. but in that transition phase i *want* to keep "crying" about it, and it takes a little effort to make the switch but then it's uphill from there. sometimes i wish i knew words/terms for everything so people (including myself) would more easily know what I'm going through or whatever. like...... but.. how do i know i wasn't just influenced by the internet to be trans? (not blaming anyone here, just myself. Plus Reddit... i browse reddit.... anyway shut up lily.) so uhh.. yeah how do i know. because sure, "cis people wouldn't spend months being trans or obsessing over it or whatever the heck it is that I'm doing" but what if I'm somehow the exception? what if my adhd/anxiety/depression/something else makes the situation different for me? I've obsessed over things before that i obviously don't have, but those were less believable and less logical that being trans. Even if some of my early thoughts were literally "i can't believe i actually might be trans, i never really thought that was possible for me"... idk.. also being trans isn't a "negative" or "bad" thing, per se, unlike some other things I obsessed over. Being trans (or LGBTQ+) is actually, imo, a "good" thing. Like.. I think I secretly wanted to be so for a while, even if I didn't know it? Lots of people around me are, and they're all just.. so cool. So.. maybe I just wanted to be cool? "I wish I was special..." (song reference). And does that mean I'm not trans? Also, going back to the "good" thing, since I see being trans as "good," I could've just allowed myself to more seriously consider/obsess over, and actually delude myself into thinking I'm trans...? ...why do i keep writing such long messages lately? yeah idk what else to say for now.. but the overall point is how can i just say I'm trans and be confident in it.. when LITERALLY the thing that sparked it all was: and if I'm being honest, i think i even skimmed it cuz i was too scared to read it fully or something for some reason. i guess it feels like my experience/process wasn't authentic or natural, since like I was aware.. it's like like there was a lead-up... was there? I think I started trying to present more feminine online in the months leading up to it (when I *was* online, that is..) I've always... for some reason been interested in how girls.. type, online. And how it was different from how... males type. I wanted to type like a girl for some reason... but like for some reason I associate(d) stuff like UwU, OwO, :3, and other "cutesy" emoticon-type-stuff with femininity, and so I used them tehe.. I allowed myself to use them. At least a little. I've probably said this several times now... but once I was in a chat with some people and someone asked "wait, <my username>, are you a woman?" And I... kinda wanted to say yes, but of course my dumb brain just said "I've neither confirmed nor denied blah blah" etc... same happened a while before that. I was chatting with this person and said I was a girl, and even like tried it for a few minutes or something, like I typed like I was and "tried to sell it," but then like they asked "really?" or something and then I... yeah.. stopped. I just wish I had said "yes" (for both) and been a woman online, then had that as pretty strong "proof" to myself and others (including just how it felt) whenever I realized/questioned if I was trans. is it weird that I'm pretty sure I've gotten gender envy when I've seen people using female characters in video games? I just wish I'd *allowed* myself the so many things I denied myself... sooner..

i think kinda.. not entirely sure and lately i think I've been using more of a similar personality with most everyone code-switching might be what it's called. not sure.. maybe masking

..did i ruin the challenge lol opefull ynot anyway bye fr now..

what did you... think of.. the other mfd's...

i mean.. i use it all the time like i showed when i use APIs like.. await promise.then((r) => { ... })) or something if i recall.. Ah I'd forgotten holy quadruple quote :3 coolios on another note.. do you know ternary if statements and null-coalescing operators? they're soooooo fun and i never knew about them till php, but now know that basically every language has them (or ataleast ternary-if) even python, tho it's styled differently: regular: a ? b : c where a is condition, b will be returned if a is true, otherwise c for python: b if a else c anyway yeahhhhhhhh also null is just a ?? b basically it returns b if a is null(ish)/undefined, otherwise a. useful for default values or whatever sometimes to protect from errors

i mean.. i use it all the time like i showed when i use APIs like.. await promise.then((r) => { ... })) or something if i recall.. yeah, why not? i forget if i learned that from JS or some other languages. but yeah, languages usually probably let you forgo braces for single-statement blocks. Same with if statements and the like. yeah..

okay damnit i'll just share my version optimized from yours let w=prompt() let c=0 let s=prompt()+" " setInterval(()=>{ let t="" for(let i=0;i<w;i++) t+=s[(i+c)%s.length] console.clear() console.log(t) c++ },200) 142 chars Note how I used the arrow function in the setInterval parameter, not a var decl like you did. Plus, since the for loop is only one statement, i removed the unnecessary curly braces. (Note that I've never really used strict mode for JS, so I don't know everything that is/isn't allowed with that if you're trying it but...) You can remove all the let statements (doesn't work in strict mode, but works "normally") w=prompt() c=0 s=prompt()+" " setInterval(()=>{ t="" for(i=0;i<w;i++) t+=s[(i+c)%s.length] console.clear() console.log(t) c++ },200) 122 chars If you are using strict mode, you can combine the let statements (though I think strict requires semicolons. Not sure tho.) let w,c,s,t,i then same code as above. okbye anyway that's 122 chars can ya beat it sorry lol.. im getting tired also u can kinda ignore everything about strict mode... maybe... idkjfajf

idk because as you said about overthinking ans consciously altering actions... that's the darn problem with me I can't cremin' do anything without knowing i am and choosing to do it because i think that's who i am, want to be, should be, should do, want to do, etc. etc. etc. that's the ehole issue I've been struggling with and i hate it so much i can't say anything I can't say I do/feel/think something. Say, something that I KNOW confirms/supports me being trans because I KNOW it does and I KNOW I'd be doing it and what rhe heck ado if I'm not so does that mean I'm not trans?????????????? how the heck to i ado'ng not conform if that means not being trans I'm not sure i want to "be myself" because i like being trans. i THINK i tell myself so what the ado... anyway bye see you.. whenever see you on the other side haha lol kidding... @Verdance btw NO I'M NOT SUICIDAL SHUSH

i believe in nothing especially not anything resembling peace i believe in the disgeace known as humanity

haha i don't know how to keep moral princips or be "myself" or maybe i donknow how to be "myself" but i dont allow this entity named lily to do so

glad it could mean something to you

we are just the equivalent of ai and we think we are real and actually feel but really we just tell ourselves that also that kind of thinking is somwhat useless if it's impossible to prove (or disprove) bht yes..

i stormin hate this this storming poem is me and i hate it all the poems are me and i hate me it's japanese, just two different Japanese writing systems/"alphabets" it's just my name don't worry about it..

it's hard. sometimes i hold myself back to "not embarras myself" or so i don't sound like a storming idiot or so i don't sound weird or don't sound like I'm not trans or don't sound like my evidence is inconsequential... self-fulfilling prophecy... @Aeoryi serious question... how do I know if I'm not trans? edit https://www.17thshard.com/blogs/entry/1520-20260405-shifting-slate/#findComment-2096 (me, talking to Verdance) @Aeoryi pls help

Blue Screen of Death it's what happens to Windows computers when they crash it's a metaphor or something..

look into.. like anonymous functions or arrow functions or whatever the heck they're called. they don't use the "function" keyword i don't think so i think u can save characters hope that's not cueating..

but that's a good thing..

i think we both deserve it pretty much equally.. (ignoring factors like drag and friction if you know what i mean) meaning not being pedantic about things we all deserve it.. 'sides i can still get it... in a bit... they need me to say what I'm thinking when even i don't know what I'm thinking

ok,.neat that's coolm.m... welckme back.. bye for now...... also 207 notifications and growing, i hatemylife.........,

..deserve what?