Usseewa

Not really. Also my arms are covered in cuts so like idk if it'd be good to snap a rubber band over them Also rhe blood smears when put my sleeve up now some have red surrounding i keep pressing so hard I'm worried I'm gonna escalate it too far i don't think my blade is sharp enough edit: uhhhhh

Like... I have a picture in my mind that might be of someone I know or a picture I've seen but I don't know who..

there's also not much room anymore for new cuts and it's annoying i tried it for like a day... idk if it worked or not one time i snapped it multiple times in a row for the pain

If mine is too high, it's probably for the same reason though tbf I don't know CG0Z well, like, does he even have school?

yeah we talked about SH and i basically said everything yeah it helped. i finally got someone to talk to abt it besides y'all and those two hotline times. I'm... okay at this moment? I guess I've been okay since the session, even if I already SH'd twice since it... In general though, I don't think I'm okay. I also started thinking about trans stuff again and... it's exhausting and deterring to look through reddit thread after reddit thread or post the same questions here over and over. I'm just worrying it's just a phase, like everything else. I've had interests I got really Invested in for a few months, then stopped, and it kinda sucks. Also it's just so hard to do stuff for transitioning. I don't really shave my legs because they just grow back and it takes effort. I basically haven't done any voice training because it's so damn hard and takes a while. The best I can hope for is HRT but I both question if I really want it and I question if the Dr.s will give it. That's just one thing I guess. Probably there are bigger stuff but wtvr. I just wanna cut a deep gash.. I've had intrusive thoughts or maybe just regular thoughts about stabbing my thighs for a while now. I even make the motion holding an air-knife sometimes when alone and when I'm mad at myself

uhhhh 15 years old i think ur like 16-18 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i did have therapy and we talked about a lot of stuff. I talked about everything... except I held back a bit for the suicidal stuff. But we talked about suicide anyway, and self-harm, depression, stress, the lot. Although I think I might... be somewhat in danger of giving myself a bad cut. I almost did it just now, I think. I'm not very depressed at the moment but I'm.. oh wait I remembered yeah. But anyway. uhhm yeah. edit: I'm considering inpatient care or something like that..

I write poems in a notebook or sketchbook, sometimes. Two Tools The pen and the pencil— Two different tools. Permanence and impermanence— Certainty and tolerance. Neither optimal, Mistakes both ways, Give and take. Confusion at the Unthinkable Unable to ponder— I try to, my mind refuses to think. Unable to breathe— Too much, feeling sick. So sick— From eating, from thinking. But I must— Must know, to live a life. I don’t know what’s wrong, What’s real or what’s right, I don’t know what to think, Yet I think too much. What do I believe? TW Suicidal Ideation Independence I don’t want to exist without choice— No longer. I want to live, have a self. I want freedom, not fear. Life, not mindlessness— Blind following— Helplessness and compliance. I don’t want what I’ve had— If you can “have” nothing. Newfoundmind It feels freeing, Yet horrifying, To finally have, A mind—even the inklings of. So much change, So many questions, And fear. Yet finally autonomy and awareness. - Lily

You mean plans for.. ending it? Idk, I guess. More like.. two. I thought of some new ones earlier, though.

No.. not really. I have some people that i haven't texted in weeks and idk if it'd be okay to text them abt this i dont even know them that well. i have therapy coming up soon. i studied some at least. gonna do more. and go to bed hungry last night i gave in and ate smth

Sorry, it's okay.

I need to study but it's.. just feels impossible or not worth it. I didn't even take the best notes, some stuff are completely missing. Each semester I just feel like I'm barely making it through, even if my grades are good. And... I don't know I was thinking.. And the pain in my wrist is unbearable even though it's so dull.. When I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep or if im just thinking in silence (well... i have a song playing on repeat rn..) then I feel it and I just want it to go away... I was also thinking of.. different ways I could end myself.. and I couldn't bear to imagine the pain of some of them. I've always hated the idea of pain, especially certain types. It's the subject of some of the intrusive thoughts I've had in the past. It would just be unbearable. I imagined myself just.. wanting to die, if I survived and went to a hospital, just wanting to die and not face the pain. Or be unconscious. But then the aftermath. I don't want all that pain. So some of the methods would probably be less painful, especially if they worked. But I also don't think I want to die... But I also don't want to die in the future.. like I want control of when/how I die..? And idk I'm just really sad I think and it's kind of my fault but I've also been thinking like this for.. a bit. Like maybe a few days or a few weeks or maybe even longer, i don't know. I also thought of how I might make some people who know me lives pretty bad, or at least make them sad, and I don't want that, I kinda wish I could die... without making people sad. Like it would be easier if I didn't have anyone, idk. But I also can't really come up with a reason why I would want to die, like one that I would have to tell a therapist or doctor or someone. But also one of the only things that makes me hesitant is that I have/had so many plans and dreams. Things I want to write, code, create, etc. But also it's not like I'm making progress on anything. I don't even have a plan for my future, which I guess is fine but... I just don't know. I sort of wish I had no one. But I don't want to go to sleep again tonight in pain, even if it's only 30 minutes or however long it takes me to fall asleep, because each second is eternity. Even if I know I'll fall asleep eventually if I just lay there, it doesn't help. I can't handle pain, not this kind. I just feel like... like since I can't tell anyone about this, they just think I'm not trying, or slacking, or being rude, or something when in reality I want to do it but I just can't. And I sound so depressed whenever I talk to someone, it sounds so depressed. I just want to.. be alone and.. idk. I think it would be nice on a roof at night, to be honest. Calming. I don't want people to see my dead body though. No one should see that. But I don't really want to be forgotten? I don't even have that many methods to... do it. And I know.. I shouldn't.. but I don't know. I guess I'm just thinking the my life is kinda pointless thing. Like.. I haven't really talked to people that much IRL in... idk, weeks maybe. Outside of the shard, I haven't even texted people that much. I guess I did talk to my therapist whenever that was, and I had dnd once. but idk. and the semester is almost over and i probably wont really talk to anyone over the summer either. and in the fall ill just have to do the grind all over again. it feels like this class i took once where I had to write an essay every week or something. I get it done, then immediately have to do another, never-ending. I finish my work sunday, then start/procrastinate next week's work. and I have to study. I don't have much time. and i dont even want to eat anymore, I'd rather be hungry and just.. be asleep all day and not wake up because then I'd be awake and not sleepy and couldn't fall asleep again. It's kinda of... surprising how little work i have left for this school semester. But still it feels like a mountain I have to climb, or a race I'm late to that everyone has started already. Basically every week I've been telling myself "I'll take better notes next class!" and.. I don't. And like, I sometimes don't even know what I want to do. And my days aren't adding up to anything, each day is just like the notes, it's just me making it through the day, sometimes looking forward to a future date like the next therapy session. I barely know what day it is, because it doesn't matter. I mean if I think about it, I know what today is, but only because I checked the day a few hours ago. Like, weekends don't really matter to me tbh. They're just for more schoolwork. For more procrastination. And also while I was sitting and thinking, I pictured myself getting my knife and cutting but worse, deeper, longer, more painful, more blood, more serious. And lately I've been thinking how... what does it matter what happens to my body if I'll just die? So what if I don't eat or if I cut myself because... yeah. And I don't really know what's wrong at this point. It could honestly be related to my being trans. I haven't done anything more to get hrt, or to transition really, besides what I already have done. I haven't even wore a skirt in... weeks, months, idk, because it's inconvenient and .. yeah. I looked in the mirror a few times the past few days and I liked how I looked. A depressed girl, or just a girl, is what I saw. I liked it. But then earlier today I was thinking how I thought of myself as a guy, maybe in a dream or something? And then I thought that I'm just seeing myself as how I've always seen myself, and that person is not really a guy, nor a girl. Basically emo, or something. Or some shy loser. But also I don't really know what a guy is like. And I'm worried about my sexuality and whether I actually like guys. And voice training is too hard, I just want an easy fix that never exists. And sometimes I still question if I'm trans or if I'm just convincing myself I am, like all these other things. Like, and I kinda avoided saying this in the past, but for the past month or weeks idk I've basically convinced myself to some level that I have schizophrenia. but in reality the only signs I show are the depression signs which don't really mean anything on their own. but it doesn't matter. I can just keep it to myself so no one judges me, you know? I keep stuff to myself sometimes because I know if I say it I'll get refuted or judged or something. Like you know all those thoughts like if you say "I'm a loser" and someone says "no you're not" then like... it's kinda ignoring the purpose, I guess? Like the point is that I feel bad about myself not that I need affirmation. And sometimes I do need affirmation. Also why do random muscles keep twitching, it's annoying... But back to schizophrenia, I know it's not a joke or anything and it's a serious thing but. And I've basically noticed all my possible auditory (and some visual) hallucinations that in reality are probably either normal or simply actually happened (and therefore not hallucinations). And I don't want (but maybe need?) anyone to say I don't have schizophrenia, or anything else for my other things I think. I already know that logically I probably don't, but I can't.. I can't explain it? Like.. I know something so I don't want someone to say it, I don't want to just be judged when I've already judged myself in my mind or been judged before. If someone says I'm not suicidal, I don't want to hear that because it's shameful that I thought I was. If I think I'm dying of cancer and the doctor does a friendly laugh and says it's something innocuous, I don't always like hearing that (this specific example has not happened, but I'm talking about stuff similar). I just feel like a fool. If I tell someone I'm worried/I think I have schizophrenia and they say "Lily, you clearly don't, no need to worry," then I won't feel relieved, I'll just continue thinking maybe I do while knowing that anyone who matters will say I don't. Idk, this kinda devolved into me venting about my general mental health crap that I've been thinking and struggling with for a while. But yeah. And... please do not judge me, but in a sense, I want to have schizophrenia. Please do not judge me. I already know I shouldn't want that, it's serious, it's not a joke, idk... And I think maybe my whole not wanting to be judged could be a problem. Oh yeah that reminds me of what I was gonna say, that I hate being wrong or corrected or something. It hurts. I've probably talked about this before, I have yeah. But when I got my essay back recently, I got a fairly low grade (for me) and I didn't really want to read the feedback but I did and some of it was what I already knew. When I was writing the essay, I knew it felt disorganized and that I didn't really take the time to organize it and that is one thing the instructor commented on. Lots of times when someone's talking to me, I either sense the "but" or falsely assume there's one, or whatever. If someone says something good, I sort of cringe or wince and wait for the ", but..." Or if someone breathes in then I know it's gonna be bad and I can't stand/handle it. If I start reading a message/post and see that it's bad, then I just.. die, kind of. I want to hit myself, I guess. I just know I messed up, even if I don't know exactly how, and I know I can't undo it. I just feel like I'm somehow gonna do poorly academically. I have imposter syndrome l think. I also struggle to formulate my words or whatever the generic phrase is, so I feel like a... fool compared to people who speak or write so eloquently, so confidently. I guess sometimes I quit before trying because I think I'll fail, so it ends up just being a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess. But there's just so stormin' much. So much in my confused brain, so much I can't explain properly, or so much I... idk!! I had a habit when I was younger of saying "I don't know," and clearly it hasn't faded. But I just want people to understand me, but I can't even understand myself. There's just too much, in my head. And sometimes I feel like I expressed something greatly, but either I didn't or it's just a once in a while thing, a fluke. And my arms are sore... and I just want someone to notice... And if I try to word sorry i forgot what i was gonna say but sayonara, gotta study...

the thing is... it's probably not an individual person. That simply doesn't work for such large-scale surveillance. I assume.

I suck at debate btw.. wdym by "back end online"? Like literal backend as in the databases or whatever? Or backwater? The Shard is just another stream of info leading into the ocean that is one's data. Idk. Yeah, ik our data is being sold. It's not necessarily about having something to hide. Idk.... ima go study now since i im losing hehe @Frustration

well... stalk you (irl and online) dox you blackmail sell it to people government stuff idk.... lol but u should care more maybe not as much as me but still ok that was a lame response on my part btw i was talking about more accurate location than just country or TZ

necesito opinion: im talking on the shard to y'all instead of studying im also talking on the shard and it brings me happiness but I also haven't done any studying today depends how accurate info but also for me.. maybe it's... idk. I don't want people to know my country or even time zone, for some reason. I guess.... I want people to think... of me... differently than i am..? but also it limits what I can talk about I can't talk about my education as much.. which is a thing ppl can relate to (if I talked abt it) also... interesting literature piece lol 300 pages.. yay..

no hablo francais no parle espanol (apparentley its different) uhh no comprendo linguas does anyone else look up a brand/store to make sure it's global before posting about it

yes

makes sense does that count as politics lol I don't have a plan post-bachelor's except get my master's

i cOuLd FiNd YoUrS tOo Also yeah, ive seen people do that before. It's borderline stalking imo, tho. At least it's the sort of thing that requires going through posts and such User 1: wakes up at 5am every day User 2: wakes up at 10am each day etc.

tambien pov multilinguals: also francais et espanol are pretty similar

I try to keep my time zone secret exactamente :3

I will neither confirm nor deny whether I reside in Czechia or not (Also, is there a meme I'm missing?) What makes you say that :3 Precisely Humanity is just universally bad. Some places have perks over othre places Booooo Also I like staying up late lol 'sides, most of yall are in the pst-est (aka north american) range anyway lol

read my edit exactly