Robinski

Me too.

You're going to need a bigger goat...

Cornucopia.

Comments: - Ooh, I like these heading '17 years before...' etc. I will totally pay attention to these, indeed I think they are highly necessary for continuing readers to connect with the events at the start of this book. (Well, me anyway.) - Great first line(s). - "Long crimson hair fanned down her back as she returned to her own ship" - These two clauses seem unrelated. - "neatly landed on a compact stream bank" - super awkward phrasing: hard to parse. - "slip and fall into the river" - missing word, also, LOL. - Ten ships doesn't seem that many, but I can't recall earlier references to the HG and how many ships might be implied by those. - "She could literally reach the heavens, reach Ard" - So, was Ard a known thing at this time? I thought it disappeared hundreds of years ago? This reference makes it sound to me like reaching it is a viable thing that she might do. Okay, it's clarified later, but still. - "stood a confused looking girl" - LOL, excellent. I remember enough to know who this is. - "robe bashed against the crimson" - word choice. - "Little bit scary to grow up" - Missing inverted commas at the start of the line. - Good basic background here. Very useful to put all this into context. - "supposed to be memorizing versus" - typo: verses. - "kid playing dress up" - 'dress-up', IMO. - "May this would be better" - typo: maybe - "She opened the thrusters as much as she could" - 'far' its more evocative and descriptive, IMO. - Good ending. Good tension towards the end. Good banter between the two characters. Overall This is a good chapter, I think an excellent opening chapter, because it reminded me of some of the most important stakes of the first trilogy, it reminded me where At came from, it plays out a scene that is referred to in the first trilogy (I'm sure it does). I think this would make a perfect first chapter, and it is certainly not too long. There's no fat in it, it seems to me, at a paragraph level, and it doesn't weigh the reader down with too much information. Opening with this chapte would mean that all the readers, continuing and new, were starting in the same place, with a character that they don't know. Also, this seems to be the first scene in the timeline, another good reason to start with this, so that time flows 'forward'. A) - Yes, necessary; B) Yes, I think it should be the opening chapter; C) Perfect length, nothing would add to the impression it gives of exploration, adventure, and dreams. Nice work

Comments. - "Now Pru was blown up" - Clang: grammar. Had been blown up, or (e.g.) was nothing but dust and debris. - "only detached eyeballs and bloated corpses" - This makes no sense to me. How would corpses remain intact from a planet exploding? How is it that everything is not incinerated? - "Some were clearly bipedal" - 'some' here is still attached to the debris in the previous sentence, which is singular, so 'were' disagrees with that. I don't want to do LBLs. I takes too long. There are lots of grammar issues: 'nuff said. - "plan to rescue Exile" - Confused: what is Exlie? A person? A DVD borrowed from the local library? - "hit her ship’s sensor" - A space ship won't have just one sensor, IMO, it will have a bank of sensors detecting different things, radiation, temperature, near objections, etc. It would possibly have a singular sensor array. - "warning about perpetual small impact damage" - potential? - "less cellulose in her biomaterials than when she’d left" - I wonder if you don't need a bit more explanation of the role of the cellulose in the ship. This reads a bit like it's fuel. - "Hence, her only view now came from a small, square film stuck to the wall just in front of her" - Why would she cover up her external view, making her atmospheric ability so much worse? - "complete component makeup" - Confusing. Something like 'complete chemical breakdown' would be more easily comprehensible, more natural, IMO. - "Unknowns were not the friend of intergalactic travel" - This contradicts the line before which points out her shielding is full of unknown filaments. - "further into the planetary silage" - This is the wrong word, IMO. Silage is feed, this is debris of no discernible use, it's not going to feed anything. - "Cellulose further degraded in the printer" - This doesn't make sense to me. What is degrading the cellulose when there is no discernible external factor? More to the point, however, her reaction makes no sense to me. Why isn't she worried about unexplained cellulose degradation? - "Weapons array from an unknown ship, did she want to pick it up even though it was larger than her hold?" - I cannot understand this sentence in its current context. Doesn't seem to relate to any of the narrative around it. - "Redundant computers and their failure to grasp the importance of her arrival." - Her arrival? But the only computer 'in shot' is the computer in her ship. This makes not sense to me. - "It was a picture of Exile" - Oh, this was Ne? I did not get that, mostly because no one every used the term as a name is the previous books, did they? - "O didn’t know what she’d been called before joining" - I thought that all juvenile Ne were called Ne. Ne was always referred to as Ne in the previous books, wasn't she? I'm sure that she gave up her childhood name at some point. - "Just to see your smile" - So wait, O is in love with Ne/At? How did that happen? Wasn't Ne a child when she first met O? So, presumably O did not fall in love with her then. When did O ever see Ne other than that? Shouting and waving across the gap between to the two ships in the prologue? Something about this feels wrong. I can't understand how O formed an attachment to Ne. - "If the science you demanded exists, I will find it" - I don't remember this. How would science have saved Ne from exile? - "nor did it absolve her of the gnawing guilt" - And that's O's motivation for abandoning her planet a soaring around the galaxy looking for...something. I don't understand O's motivation. - "warned that the cellulose in her hull was dangerously low, though she had no idea what that meant in practice" - I don't understand how the cellulose is being depleted. - "If her ship wasn’t in danger of falling apart" - She doesn't know that. The computer's announcements have not specified the danger that goes with cellulose depletion, which seems like a shortcoming. Also, as an ace pilot, how does O not know this about her own ship? - "When that only exacerbated" - What is 'that'? - "weeping from her apparent anxiety" - This is phrased like the place the stk is leaking from. Would be clearer as 'weeping due to her apparent anxiety'. Also, 'apparent' feels like a POV cheat, or at least someone else's POV. - "which she’d be passing by in another half hour at her current coast" - Disbelief suspension critical!! Abort, abort!! Coasting suggests going very slow. That's fine. I presume this debris is going slowly, drifting However, if she's only going to coast for half and hour, the planet must be in sight already. There is a logical disparity here. - "I could use some assistance" - Super plot convenient. I can see the author moving pieces around. - "so I think I might be too far out to be relevant" - Hilarious!! Great line. - "One passenger—the pilot" - The pilot is not a passenger. IMO, be definition, a passenger has not function relating to the ship, whereas a pilot definitely does. - "I’m looking for long shot genetic cousins" - Long lost cousins? I don't think it's clear what a long shot cousin is. - "I need at least three more samples before I can leave" - Why three? Unclear. - "neither of us need to be tied up with scrappers" - I didn't get the sense of this. Like entangled? Entangled is a better word. - "glistened with a stk-like substance" - I think you should let the reader have this reveal. Don't tell us it's like stk. If you say 'glistening with some sticking substance', the reader will make the connection straight away. - "you’re leaving a cellulose trail" - How? Why? This needs to be explained way at the start of the chapter. What is the mechanism that is causing the cellulose lose? It's increasingly frustrating not to know this. - "wouldn’t do her any good without proof" - But the pilot of the FkArd is the proof she needs. She can just get samples from them, can't she? Her reasoning seems a bit sub par to me. I would have through she would be more resourceful. - "I have to stay" - Yeah, I'm losing it now, and she's stammering? This is not the G4 is was hoping for. - "The questions?" - I don't get what FkArd would press her in this situation. There is nothing it for him if he's leaving. - "bring back proof of two genetic cousins" - Right, okay. So this is the reason that she still wants the floating samples? But those samples are not essential, surely. She would still have proof of one genetic cousin, the pilot of the FkArd. Before the encounter with the FkArd, she only expected/hoped to find one genetic cousin in the wreckage of Pru, ergo, her logic here is not good. She can got with the FkArd and have no less than should would have had if the FkArd had not conveniently appeared. - "These were the details that remade worlds" - I fail to see why two sample does this and better than one sample. - "got her planet’s biggest heretic returned to her family" - I also don't buy O's investment in this. I don't get what Ne is to her. - "it lists the following" - Wait, what? So, she (and every other Ne) knows that Ke is a thing, and she knew that Pru was a thing before the planet exploded. But, was it not the case that At (was it At that receive the transmission about the explosion? I forget) already knew that Pru was a planet? No, wait, it's more confusing. Pru exploded in the present, didn't it, the present when At is an Ard? So why is O still searching for proof to bring Ne back, when Ne is already back? I'm so confused. Some of this will be me, but there has been so much hopping around in time and POV recently that I've completely the place. - "tiny spaceship for over five years" - I badly need to understand why O would give up 5 years of her life for Ne/At. I don't understand. - "You’ve been in transit for half a decade" - How does he know that? - "but bringing back coordinates to Ar had to get her full repatriation" - yeah, I don't understand the time line. - Is the message from the dredgers? I don't understand the message. She accepted it, but it sounds like conversation between two other parties that she is not supposed to overhear. I'm really confused now. - "with her real name on her lips" - Why would she not use her real name? Confused. - Tense ending, but. The tension didn't really build up the evenly at the end. Why would dredgers be armed? They are working boats, they dredge up silt. In no sense is a dredgers a combat craft. OVERALL I like plenty about this chapter, O seems a pretty good character. The reveal of the creature flying the F--k Ard is nicely done, and very satisfying, however, it's sooooo convenient to the plot, it's like great big hand of author intervention to make the plot work. Quit annoying. I think I would have handled it better if O had retained agency through the search. What if the FkArd was win trouble. O spends long hours failing to find the evidence she wants, is getting mad a frustrated, when she happens across a damaged ship and low and behold, here is exactly what she's looking for. She retains agency and doesn't seem weak and kind of clueless for not understanding what\ wrong with her ship. Just a notion. Anyway, my overwhelming emotion by the end was that of confusion. Maybe I have forgotten too much from the original books, but it seems to me that, not only is there a bunch of POV hopping at the start of this story, but it is also a lot for TIME hopping, and that is crashing by understanding but hard. These initial chapters need to be a lot clearer, IMO, this one especially. One of your issues was to ensure that new readers could follow what was going on? Well, I think there is pretty much no chance of that on the basis of this chapter, if I'm honest

Okay, I'm speed critiquing because I am so behind. General impressions, no fine detail or LBLs. - "dropped from the air. All of them" - Excellent inciting incident for the chapter, good tension, and I'm intrigued to learn more about this. - "revealed the Resistance to the entire galaxy" - More big stakes for the story and loads of potential for conflict. I remain skeptical that the news of the Res would not have got out by now, but putting that aside, good. - "was, in fact, dead" - This is a handy reminder of the situation, and just loads on more stakes. There are three plots strands here, and I really like how you've kind of summarised that last X-number of pages for the reader (especially helpful for me, having missed a week and having strong case of WRS). - "stacks of paper" - Really? This is very dating, IMO. - "No ship can teleport within twenty astronomical units of the station" - Why is that? It's been mentioned before, I think, but I'm not sure if there ever was an explanation. - A servant would not use their supervisor's first name in this very familiar way. Unless 'K_e_x' is a title, but assumed it was a name. - At the end of Page 1, I'm enjoying being in KT's POV. They have loads of attitude, loads of stress, trying to manage all these stresses. It's good. I feel their pain. - Just because I'm not calling LBL stuff, I wouldn't want you to think that there were not a bunch of grammar, word choice, etc. issues with this chapter, because there are - I like the conflict here, the argument between KT and Gy. There are still 'foundational' elements to the story that I struggle with. I have never been convicted as to why they chose Ek as a figure head. Her POV chapters did nothing to convince me that she was suitable, and no logical explanation was ever proffered that stood up to any examination, IMO. - "to make of big show of his subservience" - I've never been aware of anything like this from Gy, not in the slightest that I can remember. He's always been quite high-handed, IMO. - "jaw thrust forward" - See? This is the opposite of him being subservient. - "A swap—brought on by the stress" - Excellent detail, completely logical in the circumstances. I like it, and then the section rounds off nicely. What I don't get from this though is much sense of plot progression. This scene set up some nice details, and had some nice character moments, but it didn't really do much to move the plot on. Okay, they're going to have another meeting, having just had a meeting. Ek has for of resigned, but hasn't. As a I say, not a lot of forward motion, but I did enjoy TK's POV. Her first, I think? - "his feathers a vibrant, masculine green" - Okay, confused now. Isn't orange the masculine colour? Having multiple colours for the same thing is confusing, or having two races doing the same thing but with different colours, also confusing. - "I was never good at being male" - This is an excellent line. I like it. It's humorous, and yet also poignant and carries meaning for the character, and background for the species. - "You test the bounds of my apology" - Another enjoyable line. - "looking out of place in the space station" - Uh-oh...hidden assassin!!! - "as they slumped in their seats" - This is not so great, as it lumps them all together and describes them with one characteristic. It's very unlikely that the humans are all equally tired, so this comes across to me like lazy description. - "shook himself from his reverie" - Pretty clichéd, IMO. - "Ek is God in their mind now" - This bit lacks impact for me, because there were loads of names flying around, names that I either (a) could not remember from previous subs (my bad), or; (b) haven't really been introduced, and therefore the reader cannot really react with any great knowledge. One of those things admittedly would be my fault to some degree. - "Running mediator.exe" - You...can't... be serious! They are running Windows????!!!!!! My immersion in the story just went blue screen and the real world intruded, dumping me out of the scene. - "Who’s ready for an emergency meeting?" - LMAO 'Good morning, Vietnam!!' - "TT leaned forward. The famous human enod? This would be interesting." - Hmm. I kind of underwhelmed by his reaction. Is this not more surprising? He was thinking how subservient the En were (wasn't he?), so is the fact of one taking the lead here not more surprising, like jaw on the floor surprising? - "admired most about his mate" - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nothing in KT's reaction to Z in this chapter suggested a reaction to a mate, and nothing in KT's inner monologue indicated that Z was his/her mate until now. That feels like withholding to me. I think that needs to be up front. I don't think it's plausible that KT would not think of Z are his/her mate during the chapter, before now. - PROBLEM: "something must be done" - You've skipped the argument at the meeting, so I don't know how to react to anything now. It feels like things are being deliberately withheld from me for dramatic effect, and I don't appreciate that. It feels very artificial. - Okay, so what happened is now described in retrospect, which is always less compelling and involving that seeing it play out. 'Here's what you missed' doesn't seem fair when I was right here, and didn't go anywhere, but did have the opportunity to see the tension play out. A more important problem, IMO, is that I never felt any tension around Ek being removed. I'm not invested in her being the leader, and never have been, so the fact or her being removed is like...meh, whatever. It feels like the least important thing that's going on right now. I was enthused at the start by all these big galaxy-spanning issue they have to deal with and, as I say, this seems like the least interesting thing going on right now. - "Religion shouldn’t have a place in politics" - naive. - "I am not disagreeing with you, dear" - See, this is what I meant. I feel that this was withheld in earlier dialogue. I don't think there was any reason to do that. I think it should be upfront that these two a hitched. If my wife walks into the room, that's my wife walking into the room, not a fellow delegate. - "Just helping you be objective" - - "And should the need arise…find a way to neutralize her" - Nope, hang on. He's just asked Z to investigate her. If you're investigating her, the need to neutralise here will NEVERE ARISE. It has not part in investigating someone, it's a whole other thing. I'm not saying you can't have this end to the chapter, I'm just saying that the instruction from TK to Z needs to be something that would logically encompass neutralising her. Something like, 'Monitor her activities, we must ensure she doesn't make any more pan-galactic pronouncements. If it looks like she will, neutralise her.' - "would not let that human burn it all to the ground" - This is a neat way to finish, but because it brings the focus back to the lack of buy-in that I have to the central conceit of the story. I still don't believe that or under why the rebels would set Ek up as their figurehead. It makes no sense. It's not plausible, IMO, the way things are set up at the moment, and that undermines everything else for me. Thanks for sharing. Hope these comments are still of some use

Working towards it! Salice has always been borderline autism-coded so I'm hoping to showcase this relationship well enough that you can see that while she isn't the best at emoting, the emotions are still rich and deep on the inside Cool Excellent. <thumbs up>

Yes, come, come... <holds out basket full of puppies> Have as many POVs as you like, no one will mind

Comments. (page 1) - "Yesterday it had exploded...it" - POW, this is great line. Also, I like the opening. Nice amount of background, and a little character voice. I know who Sal is, so I feel a certain amount of grounding. To harp back to your email/intro post though, I don't carry much of anything about Pru from the prologue. I seem to remember an see about it in passing, but it didn't seem to have any significance for the events in the prologue. - "recorded in sterile words" - Where did Sal get these words from, the news feed, the net? Who reported it, and where? - "the transmission feed" - What's this then? If there was no warning from Pru, who published these words? - "She shouldn’t have been" - Why should she not be doing these things? - "flush with every kind" - - "a creature of comfort and a creature of habit" - Only LBL this page for me, so let me have this one! 'a creature of comfort, and of habit', IMO, is smoother. (page 2) - "and he had more cushioning than Sal who, with her factory-installed genetics, had ever managed" - typo. - "Were they another subspecies? Were they slaves" - The reference was to the planet, not the race or people living on it. For 'they' to follow, it would need to be 'who knows what history the people of Pru had?', surely. - "They’d just left the planet" - What, they'd just left Pru? Confused. I thought they were on Ard. (page 3) - "firm CT" - Was it always spelt 'Cell'? I feel like it used to be 'Cel'. I always pronounced it 'kel'. - "SOLD TO AN UNNAMED SHIP CAPTAIN" - BOOM! Plot ahoy, captain. I'm in for this. Excellent personal motivation. (page 4) - "I hate you." - Awesome line, great character moment. Confused though, why did the Mark contact in this apparently philanthropic gesture? Is that not most unlike a Ris, and especially a Mark? > "TO ATONE" - Ah, okay. - "partner-type-thing" - I really like Y and S together, so it's a little disheartening to see her quite dismissive attitude towards him. One of my imagined promises from the author therefore, is to see her be more loving towards him, provided that he deserves it, of course. - "SYSTEM REPRESENTS A THREAT" - But how, it's just been obliterated? - "WE NEED A CS PRESENCE THERE" - Hah, ha. So he (they?) does (do?) want something. (page 5) - "THE BREEDING AND ENGINEERING FACILITIES ON K" - Ooh, he's offering her the chance to find the other rejects and take up residence in the forming breeding facilities. This is a joke right? 'Step into to parlour said the spider to the fly...' - "DO NOT CROSS THE VOID" Seriously though, I hope I'm not meant to understand this line, because I have about a dozen question about it. (page 6) - "moved our wilt rate to storming zero" - I find the swear rather harsh and inappropriate. He's talking to his lady love here, not Ne. - "every alien head they could find" - - "she headed knowingly towards" - not required. She can't head for it unknowingly, IMO. - "if I even bring it up" - Please define 'it': unclear. - "went off in search of a puddle" - not table service? (page 8) - "for an activity I’m sure I’m too old for" - Him and me both. (page 9) - "resigned herself to another handful of months in space" I just assumed they normally lived on the ship, in space. Overall Excellent. Very clean, interesting, engaging. Sal is a great character, and Y is in the picture. Nick, I still find a bit much but he doesn't get much to do, so that's fine. I think my issue with him is that he seems only to have one setting. He's kind of always there, but he doesn't seem to develop, grow, get much to do. He's like a piece of noisy furniture to me. Looking forward to the next paragraph I don't see any need to pad this one. I mean, padding, by definition, is bad, right?

Awesome

Ahem, yeah, I can't concentrate for longer than about half an hour at a time without needing to step away. I used to be able to. My smartphone has totally transformed my ability to concentrate, and not in a good way. I firmly believe that future generations will be practically disabled in their ability to concentrate as a result. It's happening already, been happening for a while.

Comments. Really interested to see how this is looking now. - "minor wilt had turned to major decay" - Super. Stakes in the first paragraph. A failure. Again. All good. - "I don’t get it" - And a problem (although Y doesn't seem to think so). It's not a major mystery begging a solution really, but it adds to tension, to conflict. That's good. - "stuck flying derelict Terran shuttles" - There's more than one? - "Get down there" - I thought N was in the hold already? Isn't she already 'down there'? - "mating of an amphibian and a fruit salad" - (Five minutes later, Robinski recovers from rolling around on the floor.) - "when she tossed the last pot into the bay" - This seems to contradict her caring concern for the sappling before. Sounds careless and uncaring. - "The gate doors" - One of the other surely. Oh, loading gate doors? Still, if it's already a gate, how come it has doors? (And not, you know, a gate?) - "I thought you were going to try bags?" - Excellent. I always like implied history. Really smooth establishing touch. - "it might be the quality of his JY" - Eh? How could the be? Confused. - "I am nineteen years old" - Oh. I was thinking of Nick. I forgot Ne was the JY. The first statement could be worded more unequivocally. - "Those ratios are unacceptable" - What ratios? - "you’d get no more an" - Could they not just go to someone else? I don't understand how Y has a monopoly on this trade. - "Three times our yearly salary, in one lump sum" - Is Ne authorised by Y to negotiate, or is she being uppity here? It doesn't affect the scene, but it affects my perception of Ne as a character at this point. - "If she spoke again she risked insulting the mark"- This doesn't sound right, she's been insulting hir since xe arrived. - "toe j" - Ew. What a marvellous phrase. I like the pacing. We did not linger in the first scene and are straight into a new location. - "a slender Terran gave her a toothy smile" - It's not clear, IMO, that the Terran is AU. I thought at first the Terran was walking in the other direction. - Confused over AU's dialogue about the Pru ship. This seems a key moment, and it's not clear to me. Is the scan of the shop different from the design? Are those the same thing? Wording unclear. Are the Pru a different, undiscovered race? I don't know what's happening here and what I'm to take from this. - "It’s a prototype for one of the new model" - A prototype of what? I'm confused. What is this ball? A battery? A capacitor? A power core? I can't relate to this scene unless I know what it is the Ne is buying. The why of it I can probably live without for now, but AU is working with this thing an Ne wants it, but for all I know it's a paperweight. - "can’t handle this level upgrade" - Upgrade of what? Where is Ne going to stick this when she gets it back to the ship? - "twice the size of her head" - This remains really incongruous to me. The way they talk about it, and hand it back and forth, it sounds easy, but something this size would be awkward to handle, surely. I think that bothers me most is the word ball. A ball is something sport is played with, in its most common usage, and is of a certain size: a football (soccer); a 'pigskin' (gridiron football); basket ball; golf ball; tennis ball; squash ball; netball ball; volleyball ball; rugby ball; waterpolo ball; snooker ball; pool ball; billiard ball; you get the idea. They are all small, maybe as big as a head in certain cases, but none on the scale being described. Ergo, I would not call what they are talking about a ball. To me, it's a sphere. - "With the wideness of her grip, each contacted the metal" - I can't picture what this thing looks like. - "to boost that communication and thereby keep the saplings alive" - But why can't they communicate? They are packed right close together, are they not? Is it not a simple as having a soil link between them? What else do they need in their natural habitat? - "sell me three of them" - I have not really explanation why this tech I making these things. If they come from Ris ships, are they not only fit for use in Ris ships? - "I have access to Y's bank accounts" - Eh?! How the heck can that be? Seems crazy and plot convenient. - "With a ball in each hand" - How, they are twice the size of her head? - "Keeping saplings alive meant more hauls for the R" - How? If they take the dead plants anyway. The only way this can follow, surely, is if they fly slower to try and keep saplings alive. I don't understand. - "She was so, so close" - clear stakes and I do get a clear sense of personal motivation. The thing is, I know what happens after this, and I know that these stakes are...somewhat superfluous. That is an issue for me: I'm not as invested as I would like to be at the start of a novel. What is this prolog doing that can't be done in the novel proper? One of the aims, I seem to remember, (the primary aim?) was to introduce G4, but we are many, many pages in and only the vaguest, most passing reference to the HG, and not to G4 directly. Would the way to introduce G4 not be to write a G4 short for the prologue? Also, to sum up so far at this break point--notwithstanding the comments above--I think this is clearer and more engaging than previous versions. Pacing is better, and the things that are confusing me are details, although there are quite a few of those, IMO. - "racing stripes, maybe, along its hull" - 'maybe' is not engaging/compelling. She can be definitive about this, surely? Ne is quite aggressive about her opinions, I don't see why she would not be here also. - "YOU’D HAVE LOOKED REALLY NICE IN GOLD" - I don't understand this, but I know what happens later, so, I'm confused. There is not context for this statement in this story. - "This reeks of an object lesson" - How so? I don't understand. I'm not following the logic around here, on this page. - "Not even a tit** roamed the city-fields" - For new readers, or for old readers with YRS, what is a tit** anyway, in general terms? Is it a beast of burden, domestic companion, food crop animal? Context required, IMO. - What is the shape of st*k? Confused. - "I WILL COME FOR YOU, SOME DAY. I PROMISE. YOUR WORDS ARE NOT FORGOTTEN, NOR ARE YOU" - What words? Why would G4 bother coming for Ne? So confused. - "I don’t think these saplings are legal" - Confused. I thought the whole point was that the Ris had made arrangements for the MP to land and pick up the saplings. How do they usually get them? I may have missed that bit. The whole thing seems really quite confused, and just a way to get to have this particular scene, when I'm not convinced it makes senes logically. Either I'm missing significance in the set-up, or that significance/logic is not there. Not sure which. - "fruit basket" - - "a skirting of a line just far enough to be irritating" - 'close enough', IMO. To me, 'far enough' relates more obviously to distance of travel. Lines (or acceptability) are something you come close to, I reckon. - "of indeterminant material" - indeterminate. Indeterminant is not a word, I think, or at best, is a noun not an adjective. - "both from their one-time flight together" - simpler is clearer, IMO. - "She mouthed the word ‘At" - Huh?! How can she know that? Confused. - Good character emotion here at the end. - "a container balanced on each hip" - Why? Surely they belong in the hold? - "had hand-delivered her and seeds" - Wait, I thought they were saplings? There was earth spilling in the hold. - "G4 said she looked good in gold" - No, what she said would 'Would have looked good in gold.' - "Maybe her little rebellion hadn’t died with her exile" - This is bothering me too. Why would the president go to all this trouble over one rebellious Ne? Okay, Ne did something bad enough for them to go to the trouble of exiling them in the first place, but what makes Ne so important, such a threat to the governance of an entire planet, as to justify this level of attention? It's not clear from the prologue to a new reader, IMO, and it's not really clear to me. - "known, academically, for a long time" - I think the word is 'subconsciously'. How does academically work? That's a different thing, IMO, and does fit here, I reckon. Overall There are a lot of things in this that confuse me, that I think are unclear, or not explained, and the premise of this prologue is not especially compelling to me because I know what happens. Sure, there is some good emotion, pacing is okay, but I feel that the logic of various points is confusing, and I don't see how it propels me into the novel that I'm sitting holding in my hands (metaphorically speaking). Honestly, I don't understand the need to have Book 4 (actually 5) of a series be a starting point for new readers. since the overarching narrative of many series (Dresden, Potter, Wheel of Time, Dune) is basically continuous, why would anyone start reading at Book 4? Mistborn is actually the one (that I can think of in the 5 minutes I've been considering this) example that maybe sort of fits the model, but it's with completely different characters, and it not a continuation of the same timeframe arc, which it seems to me this story is. Thanks for sharing. I'll be interested to read the start of the story

Chapter the last. Comments. (page 11) Bringing the story full circle back to Car's make complete sense, and is very satisfying. I like that. However...I have significant issues with this. "I really want to, but I don’t know about leaving my family" - It's written as if Ir have changed her mind AGAIN. She's already made this decision in the last chapter, so, presenting it here as if the decision is still to be made seriously narked me. This is WAAAAAAAAAY too drawn out. It feels like this decision has taken her five chapters to make. There is no way these should be two chapter, IMO. I think they should be cut down to one chapter. Too drawn out, tooooooo drawn out. Still. Drawn out. Too much. Already. - "What would happen to them without me?" - Passive. I know it's tied into the decision, but if you absolutely have to present the decision as still open, I would write this as 'what will happen to them if I go': it in the present/future. (page 12) -"She laid out the BK’s" - AGAIN, for the third time. It's way, way too much. Need to cut this down into one chapter so bad, and avoid these repetitive notes. We don't need to see her telling every single different person she knows the same information, leading them through the same conflict and decision process. - "What are you going to do" - She made this decision in the last chapter already. (page 13) - Too many exclamation marks. I've read good advice (although I admit I have not always taken it!!) that one should only being using one or two per chapter, if not per novel. It's the old dilution of effect thing. The more you use them, etc., etc. - "The BK scanned her note, before letting a small smile cross his face. She had accepted the offer" - pronoun issue: the first 'her' is Pe, right? But, the 'she' is Ir. So, issue arises. - The BK's internal monologue is jumbled (in terms of language), IMO; not a clear and concise relaying of the facts. - "with two weeks to spare" - I'm so glad it did not go down to the last day. Strike my earlier comment about artificial tension-maintaining, ticking clock. - "Relief sent a shiver down his spine" - Why? He's never been anything but cold-blooded about using people. I don't think he would have this sort of physical reaction just from Ir saying yes. I imagine he might be relieved at not having to bother with all the rigmarole of trying to force her through these other means, but he surely had not emotional attachment to the decision? (page 14) - "was never a favorite of his" - weird phrasing, not his voice, IMO. Too casual. - "although destroying a career had become second nature by now" - careers. If it's second nature, needs to be plural. - "but that meant nothing if they were not perfect" - They who? Don't get this. - "Each piece had to be prepared" - Oh, oh, oh, is he putting a team together? Pleeeeease tell me he's putting team together in Book 2. I love it when there's a team (page 15) - "The wagon train began to leave" - really passive phrasing. a lot of the style needs tidied up in this chapter, IMO. - "without losing rhythm" - Cool to see that her musical abilities have progressed to this point. This is actually a neat and satisfying way to show how much she has change from the start of the book. - "She smiled at them, and them at her" - Awkward. (page 16) - Oh, the ending is really quite lame. I want a satisfying last line that somehow underpins all the emotion, the changes, the new friends, the new romance, and the changes in Ir, wraps it all up with a bow and makes me feel so glad I read this. The last couple of lines need to be stronger, IMO. I don't mean more powerful, momentous, or anything like that, I mean satisfying. Overall I've ranted about it already, so won't belabour the point, but these last two chapters need to be cut back into one chapter. The ending is way too drawn out, and Ir's decision is described and made (then unmade again) three, four, fives times. That needs to be addressed. Thanks for sharing

Comments. (page 1) - "kissing him in by the way of greeting" - (a) by way of greeting, IMO; (b) kissing him where? A kiss is a big thing, and where it lands is an even bigger one. - "on the Scales bag" - what is this? Oh, a game. - "smiling faces of the musicians around her" - At this point in the story, i.e. the end, I feel like the musicians should have made the transition from musicians to friends. Friends first, musicians second. - "Especially when it came towards J" - just 'came to J', not towards, IMO. That sounds like the anchor is moving towards him. - "as he was crushing hers" - How so? Seems harsh, Surely it's the decision that is crushing her's, not J. (page 2) - "Her gaze drifted from the Scales board(?) to the busy streets outside" - unclear, IMO. Makes Scales sound like a person. I don't think it should be capitalised either. Would you capitalise chessboard in this scenario? - "Then you’re two j-s richer" - I like the quite, gentle character moments here. What I am wary about is how far we are from the end and whether my investment levels will be maintained. I'm invested in the characters, and the decision to be made, so it's okay at the moment, but...I'm concerned it might be drawn out. (page 3) - "J wouldn’t even need his magic to tell" - This never seemed to be a thing in the story. Okay, I get that j wasn't a player in the plot, so that's fine, and it was important that he wasn't, because he would have taken agency away from Ir, it's just that his magic was explained, but never used, almost like an unfired Chekov's gun. - "The jangle of the cafe" - off word to use. Is everyone carrying keys in their hand? - "What does the job entail" - Right, I think this is the point at which we get into too much detail. The reader already knows what it entails, we know all the issues, the heart-wrenching of leaving family. I don't think we need this to be played once when the BK makes the offer; twice, here with the musicians (friends!); thrice, with her family (I'm anticipating that coming next), before--on the fourth, or maybe fifth retreading of the same internal debate, she finally makes a decision. (page 4) - I agree it's important to have a scene with the musicians, but I would suggest cutting and pasting it into a separate document and slashing it hard of everything that the reader already knows. Keep the good lines, but cut anything we already know. The bit about her not having told her family, that's fine, but let's get to that and get on to the family ASAP. (page 5) - "I needed to beat you all so bad you’ll flee to the F" - past tense!! Passive!! Suggest more active 'I'm going to beat you all so bad...' (page 6) - "and the smile slipped at the thought of the musicians and their conversation two weeks ago" - Bah, too long. I think it undermines the scene with her friends if she doesn't follow through for 2 weeks. Running the decision right down to the wire seems kind of like an artificial attempt to maintain tension that doesn't exist, IMO. - "The loss of T, and Sue’s exile" - need a comma here, or you read right through this phrase, and it sounds like T & S's exile has been misplaced. - "I could never leave you all" - I like this moment, and you might even play up a little more the fact that she has made her decision, and it is that she will stay. - "With a rush, as if the words burned her mouth like silver, Ir spat out the details" - there are some rough and ugly words here. I didn't like the tone of this, it sounds almost like she's attacking her family, resenting them. - "they gazed back as if she had..." - I don't understand the reaction here, I don't understand their emotion, the cause of it. (page 7) - "that talked over each other until nothing could be heard over the din" - Don't describe something that they are not doing, it's not compelling, and is kind of misleading to the reader, IMO. I was confused here. - "once-and-a-life-time" - one word, lifetime. - "There had been enough fights, enough guilt slung around" - Really? I find this slightly hard to believe. None of this was on the page, from what I recall. - "for her eldest daughter’s…slavery" - No, it's not slavery, IMO. Sue broke the law. We can talk about the punishment being unreasonably harsh, but 'slavery' implies to me that the person is innocent and pressed into service illegally. (page 8) - Ant has put a hand on Ir's shoulder, grabbed her shoulder and now squeezed her shoulder. Nothing wrong with any of that, but it's getting repetitive. Seems to me her Mom would do more than just 'pat' her shoulder all the time. (page 9) - "I don’t want anything to do with the BK" - hashtag futurerebel. (page 10) - "She felt her parents’ eyes on her back as she closed the door behind her" - not required and dilutes the impact, IMO. Putting this up now because I'm going to pause before reading the last chapter.

Yeah, me too.

(I'll just drop this here and hope nobody notices it's Sunday evening... Chapter 38 Heh, sort of thought I had loads of time to come back and do this, and then it was the end of the week. (page 9) - "Life didn’t wait for Ir to pull her pieces back together" - I don't like this line. I think it's kind of muddled. Maybe it's just person taste, but I really think this line is not the best it can be. I can't think of a better way to explain it other then through testing the line, so, if it were me (which it's not), I'd probably go something like: 'Life didn't wait for Ir to piece herself back together.' - "bringing along the moon Day and her miniature self, Arr in an endless dance" - missing comma. - "Spring settled into the summer’s relentless heat" - So, isn't that summer then? (page 10) - "B filled with tourists" - Really? I would have said that mass tourism is a modern thing, and since this is a pseudo-historical setting, this sounded odd to me. Some tourists, sure, but filling the streets, outnumbering the natives? Seems unlikely. It's not Mallorca, or Waikiki., maybe - "The liveliness chafed" - Like this line. - "Ir returned to the palace" - word missing. - "seeking some part of normalcy, of routine" - Too complicated, IMO: suggest 'seeking routine, normalcy. - "Home was cold and distant, choking in memories until she couldn’t get out of bed" - Unclear. What or who is choking? Home? No. Home is fine, it's Ir who is choking. The prose in this chapter is really untidy, IMO. - "She avoided the south wing whenever she could" - Confusion. The last place mentioned was home. Home does not have a south wing. I know she is at the palace, but...confusion. I just think the order of the thoughts could be smoother. - "Blame and guilt dug into her skin until Ir panicked, unable to breath, her chest crushing her heart" - (a) guilt is the equivalent of 'self-blame', so this would be tautology unless the reference to blame means blame by other people. Is anyone else blaming her? I'm not aware of that. I know she stayed away from the preparation of the body for cremation, and no one asked her to help, but as far as I can remember, there has been no overt blaming of Ir for what happened by anyone other than Sue; (b) honestly? I found this a bit much, but I think it's the imprecision of the concept. How does the chest couch the heart? The chest does not exert the pressure itself? Where does the pressure come from? If there's a weight on her heart--which I completely accept there would be--where does that weight come from? It doesn't come from her chest. There needs to be an external force, even if it's metaphorical. Neither her chest, nor her heart as the source of the weight. - "Len would cease his jokes" - typo: this doesn't sound like it's as intended. Also, the idea of the friends being all over her like this sounds really annoying, I thought. If she's consumed with grief, my reaction is to think the people being all in her face all the time would be antagonistic. If it's guilt that's consuming her, I would think--psychologically--her brain is telling her she wants to wallow in it by herself. Considering looking at the stages of grief, as set out in many sources. - "Revolutionaries had breeched the palace with" - breached. (page 11) - This chapter, it reads very much as a montage, which obviously is what's intended, and rightly so, I think, as it would take a long time to play these events out in real time. I'm just not sure that it's as engaging as it could be. - "None of them were the same, though, in the year that had passed" - I don't get the sense of this phrasing. Not sure it flows, grammatically. - "and somehow too large for B" - This is odd. Somehow feels like her being big-headed. Whereas, if she thought that Bor felt too small, that would seem reasonable. (page 12) - "one built from a night that a cord of wood failed to be delivered" - passive and wordy. - "Might as well" - This page is not engaging. Nothing is happened and nether character has any real agency, or emotion. Flat. - "Her former master" - Former and current? - "so quit that" - I do like Car, she is grumpy and direct. "like I taught you" - LOL. - "The master and former apprentice" - So, now Car is the master, but Ir is no longer the apprentice? There just seems to be an inconsistency about the nomenclature SUGGESTION: To address the issue with this chapter feeling un-engaging, consider moving the dialogue with Car up front in the chapter, and having the montage interspersed through it. The dialogue is much more engaging than the montage, which is really just a list of thing that happened. (page 13) - "Ir rubbed her hand across the empty cubby" - Sounds like she's trying to clean it. I think this wants a more delicate word, like 'Ir traced the interior of her cubby', or something. Maybe patted, or trailing her fingers. - Too many uses of Ir's name in this chapter, and especially on this page. One or two per page, as appropriate, is plenty, IMO. It's not like there is anyone else in the scene, really. (page 14) - "apparently both have had nervous breakdowns already" - This seems a bit much. If it's meant jokingly--which it must be surely, as I don't believe is for a second in reality (chefs must be queuing up to work at Car's)--it seems out of character for Ir, who I don't think of as a joker. - Also, why has Car had chefs filing in? I thought Ir was back in the kitchen at Car's. Oh, because she's working for the BK, I get it. - "She’d learn how to be content again" - Oh, this took me by surprise. Ir had that yearning before, that feeling of being too big for Bo (see, still think it sounds better if Bo is too small for her). Now she's changed her mind, and then she's going to change it back again. That's like three changes in the one chapter, seems like flip-flopping, lack of commitment. - "as soon as Ireen walked through the doors, the cupidine was already scowling" - Don't need both of these. Sounds cluttered. (page 15) - "Pay would be twenty percent more" - (a) I don't doubt that they have percentage in such pseudo-historical times, but it still sounds modern. Whereas, if you say something like 'a fifth more', it sounds more in period, I think; (b) +20% doesn't sound like much of an incentive. In essence, she would be working two jobs, arguably three. I think, to paraphrase the immortal words of Don Vito Corleone, he should make her an offer she can't refuse, like 50% more, 100% more (I presume the cost of living is more in the Math capital, for some reason). I think there is merit in shocking the reader a bit in this moment. +20% on a low number is still a low number. Even though we're at the end of the book, in fact, especially because we are at the end of the book, the reader wants as many 'wow' moments as they can get. - "You could be able to receive letters from your family weekly" - tautology: only need one of these. 'could receive letters' is fine. 'be able to' is passive, IMO. - "paid leave of absence" - This is a modern thing, IMO. I think unpaid leave is more likely in pseudo-historical times, if anything. - "surprisingly tempting" - This is modern interview-speak (Sorry, still raw, I guess ). (page 16) - "remembering when the BK wasn’t in B" - hand't been in Bo, IMO. - "who will ensure Math laws are withheld in my absence" - Typo: upheld. - "although you may give your answer at any time" - Cut: unnecessary. Having two months to decide clearly implies the decision can be made at any time. - "She stepped out of his office, her heart breaking" - Nope. There is no emotional build-up to this moment, so I don't think you get to slap an emotional zinger on the end. As noted earlier, Ir flip-flops between maybe going, maybe staying, in these two chapters, but there isn't much emotional weight to that. There is no sign at all during her conversation with the BK that she's having a strong emotional reaction until, very suddenly, at the end. Overall I think this chapter is kinda weak. I think it needs to be way tighter. There are good potential emotional notes, but it needs cutting and rearranging, IMO, to sharpen it up and deliver those important emotional beats near the end of the story. One to go? Wow, how far we've come! Thanks for sharing

Hail to the Crit. - I think wrinkling would be the least of her clothing's worries at this point. Nice feeling of aftermath in this opening paragraph. - "go to the dormitories" - Suggest 'run to the dormitories', has more passion and energy. She might even--to play up the romance angle--consider that she's running to J. - "a family grounded ground so firmly into the dust" - "...fall into the sea" - awesome line. Love how it evokes an image of the city itself. Do cliffs splinter? I would think maybe they crack. - "The tears rushed down her face" - I'm a big fan of 'streamed'. It's pretty much a cliché, but darn it that's because it's true, that's what tears do, they stream (IMO). - "attempted a sneak attack through a secret entrance" - They succeeded in attacking the palace. I would make this more definitive. 'The revs attacked through...' - "In three days the imprisoned Revolutionaries would announce their choice" - I don't think the revs would get to make any announcements themselves, which is how this is worded. - "his mother imprisioned" - typo. - "The curls that T once had" - I think the italics here are too heavy-handed. The reader knows he's dead. That's all we're talking about presently. N italics required, IMO. - "everyone guessing when the grandparent would reincarnate" - Lovely touch of world-building. I think throughout this book, you have very nicely balanced the amount of world-building so that there almost never felt like there was any info-dumping. Certainly in relation to the setting. There was the chapter about the charms, etc. - "Apparently, he was had been forced to climb through" - IMO. - "Each of them wore the colors of fire — red and orange" - No yellow? - "their cries sounded hollow" - But surely you don't cry to celebrate life? I feel like there is a disconnect here. - "before A stood to speak" - confused. Surely the order of the ceremony is set down. This sounds like folk can just interrupt. This sounds like he butted in, IMO. - "he died believing in what he fought for" - This sounds kind of arse for elbow. The more conventional expression is fighting for what he believe in. I don't think this version sounds right, it implies that there was a time that he didn't believe in what he was fighting for, I think. - "Ir had done nothing but facilitate T's death" - I would not change this line, but wow, it's harsh on herself. Way harsh. - "a palm-sized tablet of clay and ashes" - Okay, so this is not his whole ashes, because the human body produces way more ash then that. I know this from climbing part of a mountain to scatter my Dad's ashes, and from scattering half my father-in-law's ashes in the harbour at Cruden Bay. So, this is just a symbolic amount of ash? - What are all the extra lines spaces here? I confused as to the run of time here. - Knowing what I know in terms of our offline discussions about future stories/books, Sue's decision here... It's powerful stuff. A fairly large part of me hopes that she will find redemption. - "to learn how to co-exist" - This sounds like the natives co-existing with each other, which doesn't seem right. It's an interesting question though. How many of the the 'invaders' have some to Bo with their families? Are trying to integrate into the local community, and how many are retainers, on Math staff and living in the palace, apart from the local population? My sense is that all the Math invaders are living in the palace, because none would dare trying a occupy a house on the street, and be a part of the local community. - "I said my goodbyes" - I started into the this scene confused why the whole family would be invited. Then I thought that Ir was going in alone, then I didn't understand why the others were still here, until Ir speaks this line. I don't think there is any reason to keep the reason for the visit from the reader. I think clarity on the reason at the start of the scene would make things clearer. - "just as it ought to be" - It strikes me that this is a situation that is completely abnormal, certainly in Ir's experience. I presume that neither she now any of her family or friends her even been in the palace under the rule of the old king, and therefore that the palace being 'full of life' is something that she has only experienced in the last few weeks. - "familiar tapping of leather against tile" - Odd expression: I did not associate this with footsteps at all. - "Ir crashed into them" - This must be a typo, right? 'him', right? Also, 'crashed' is not a happy word here, IMO. It sounds more like a word from a sword fight. "Okay, Robinski, so what would your suggest, genius*?" Eh, fair question. Surged? Dashed? Rushed? Swept? Ran? I just think there are many better words than crashed, which is what cymbals do. (* - extreme irony intended.) - "Letting her shatter" - I don't think this is sufficiently momentous to get it's own paragraph. It's more unexpected if it comes at the end of one, IMO. - "J, how can this ever get better?” J He put both hands on her shoulders and squeezed" - repetition of name too close, I think. I'm going to post this up because it's a convenient break point for me. Overall I thought this chapter was really effective as a sequel to the previous chapters and previous events. There's real emotion, and some of it is hard to read. Some authors don't show the scene of someone being told their son/daughter/husband/wife/partner/whatever is dead, as if they don't have the nerve to play through the emotions, so I think you get significant kudos for that. Also, it leads to this scene between Ir and J which is very, very satisfying, in my opinion. Well done. The trick them becomes where do you go from here, but there are still things to be resolved, so I'm fine with there being another chapter or two before the end. I mean, if it's good enough for Tolkien...

Agree. Sounds good. Yes, spot on, I think. My first thought on this is that it has the potential to make the Revs seem really naive. Surely they must ask themselves why is Cr willing to help us? What's in it for them? There will be convincing ways to handle that, of course, but I think it's a question I would want to see some sort of answer to on the page. Not really, no. Yes, it certainly does

This sounds fascinating. When can I read it, please? You aren't late. I have incorrectly set up the BK three times now. It's something I'm continually warring with. I wonder if it's a simple as having one really dark episode that happened during the invasion where, in actual fact, it was not the BK's fault, but it's tarred his name and that of his rule with this reputation. Let's say for example, someone screwed up with target of some cannon's (spitballing here) and they blasted a school full of children to pieces. That's the sort of thing that would taint a leader even though he had nothing to do with targeting those cannon, which would be down...not even a general, or necessarily a colonel, but like a major, captain, whatever. Even that captain might be innocent in the sense of if it was a rangefinder who misidentified a building, or got their distances wrong, or whatever. All the facts become irrelevant because of the result, and the BK is (in this example) branded a ruthless child-killer. Just s thought. I would be cautious about going too far the other way. Remember, his is the monarch, he's not going to put up with reacting to Ir all the time. He calls his own shots, if she tests him too much, he simply would dispense with her, IMO. In working for a ruler, she will have to react; in having a sister as hot-headed as Sue, she will have to react; in being a person who is thoughtful and considerate of the folks around her, she will not ride roughshod over their wants and needs, but will tend to react to their situation, IMO. An active character does not need to stop being reactive to avoid being passive. Everyone reacts to something, sometimes. It's a balance, IMO, and I think you are close to getting that balance right. In a battle, as in the chapter when the rebels attack the palace, someone like Ir is not going to get to set the agenda, she will be forced to react to how thing play out. Too weird, much too weird. Personally, I would not necessarily want the Revs to take over the story completely. I think the first chapter is a good introduction: it's good to see normal before the story starts to 'wreck' the MC's life. Having the plot grow over the first few chapter would make it more organic. I know you are talk about the Revs here, and not necessarily the plot, but I still wanted to drop this comment. For what this is worth (so not much then), when I'm taking critique, I tend (in broad terms) to make the smallest change that I can while still making the change, in case I go too far and break a particular strand, or beak the idea/tone of the book. Not saying that here as such, because I know you've done a lot from Draft 2. I like the level of change you're making in this draft from the previous. I think that's a good degree of change while still maintaining the ethos of the story. Nice work For me, just expressing an opinion (which is my superpower, as you now know... ), I think having it look like a realistic possibility that the rebels could take back the city from the Math army might be a bit much. The resources and weapons they would need would be huge. But of course that does not mean that can't throw everything into chaos, rouse the population in general and have a new rebellion--still, the loss of life would be huge, and they still might not succeed. I think having them look competent in their planning to take out the BK is the key, as you outline here. It's exciting to contemplate this upgrade.

I thought about this too, but some of the news stories of late highlighted how some of the men who stormed the capital said goodbye to their families and didn't expect to come home. But some women were SHOCKED they got tear gassed. So maybe S's reaction is in fact very spot on. I'd still like I to like hard core call her on it. Great comments here, and I agree with a lot of this. I'd still like to see the revolutionaries get close to killing the BK. Like, a crossbow bolt winging him, getting him in the shoulder, something like that. And also, as noted here, I'd like to see the revolutionaries building towards their attack, for example just a handful if little vignette paragraphs here and there of some Rev who is a crack shot with a crossbow. Maybe the Revs have even hired them in or something. Doesn't need to add a whole lot of words, or even another character because they could be quite anonymous. Something to really ramp up that tension at the end.

Reading Excuses has a F-cebook page. Here's something I put up today for some inspiration. https://www.facebook.com/readingexcuses/posts/3718696331509692

While that's an interesting idea, however I fear for the scenario where the reader is confused who is being talked about, especially since Lil would be another 'she' in the scene, and Wr would be another 'he', so there would be plenty of scope for confusion. It's a tricky thing, no doubt about it. And there's a door to get under the bleachers? That's the step I'm missing. Seems a bit plush for bleachers, are they not usually open? I guess I'm thinking of fold-away bleachers maybe. I get no sense of victory from this scene. All JJ did was lose the for an instance, but it will be easy enough for them to find JJ again. I did not assume anything was over at this point. I'm very keen to read the rest. Do we get this this Monday? (Please!)

Ooh, yes, @Sarah B. I think MRK has touched on that in the We podcasts once of twice. Good point.

Hurray! I love discussing titles I like the first one, actually. It tells me there's a stowaway, and there's an academy (so, I get some setting too). It also implies the sort of story, I think, in terms of having an educational setting, which I think gives the expectation of the reading even as well. Because why would you write a story about an academy if the pupils weren't at the heart of it? I'm going to pile through this because I'm running our of week already and just have so much to do, so, no LBLs (hurray?). (page 1) - Love it. Cracking voice, loads of attitude, but consistent, believable, proportionate. I think 'Wr' works very well for the name change. Star gra: LOL! (page 2) - "New Stars A" - Bit cheesy as names go. I think this tends to undermine Star gra-, which I really like. This name sounds like low-hanging fruit to me. - "cheek presses against mine" - So intimate, love it. - "I am going to melt if they don’t stop touching me, and but I'm certainly going to die if they do stop" - I demand this edit!! . This line is perfect if only it would stop with the last word as 'do', because that would perfectly echo the 'don't' from earlier in the sentence. Also needs but, to highlight the opposing of stopping 'but' not stopping. The rhythm of this line is excellent. - "I don’t know how many hells there actually are" - Nine circles, on authority from Dante. - "green-tinted hands" - Huh? Explain please. - "My help?" - Okay, some stakes. Almost two pages in, but I have no problem with that, because I was soaking up the voice of the MC, and learning something about the setting/world. (page 3) - "Whatever sayings mean I will do anything for them apply to me." - Cut. The previous line is perfect, all that stress of those familiar saying, flowing like lyrics. This following line just explains something that doesn't need explaining. - "if you get caught" - Ahem, 'we get caught'? Or is this a massive set up that Ar has just given away? - "<name of fungus?> experiment" - Don't change this! I love it! - "I would never see Ar again" - IMO. (page 4) - Yes, to Part 1. Yes, a hundred times, yes. This is great stuff. I have a completely convincing portrait of a teenage crush, I can practically see the sparks. - "my academic status" - educational status, I think. To me, academic status is something the teachers have, like tenure, etc. - "sits on an overturned bucket" - ROFL : Oor Lully!! A Glasgow / Scottish institution! Seriously though, this is an important moment. All this is being done for the stowaway, and I really need to believe here why these two (Ar and JJ) are risking expulsion to help this person. I want to see what is special about this person. This is the stakes of the whole story. This is a critical moment. - "mix of human and and--" - stop the bus. Human and what? What's all this about? Does this matter for the story? Are the anchovians, and the fact of these characters being mixed species(?) going to play a part, a functional part, in the story? If it doesn't, I would question why it's there at all. Can this bit be cut and the story stay the same (functionally)? If so, I don't think this should be in, but I need to wait a see. - "Blankets fall off of Li" - This has no functional purpose. We talk about words doing double duty, this doesn't even do single duty. - "What do you think is the best time to move her?" - This is a really weak line to end a section. Really weak. I suggest just cutting it. Also, I don't really have the explanation of why it is imperative for Ar to help Li. I know why JJ is doing it, but not why Ar is going it. I can just about let go the fact that I don't know why anyone would need to stowaway in the first place, but is that not a question that someone should ask? I can see why JJ wouldn't ask it out loud, but would they not ask it internally? And Ar must have asked it, but it seems we're not going to be provided with that answer, yet. So, Lil is something of a McGuffin then. Okay, I'll decide later if I'm outraged by this. (page 5) - "It was the most chaotic time" - tense shift: I think 'It's the most chaotic time' would be more appropriate. Also, "were weakest". - "freaking idiots" - Totally confused by this sentence. I have no context for this. Is this a school for homicidal kids then? - "and for thinking I’m one" - An idiot, a kid or a homicidal maniac? Very confusing around here. - "Her stare is pleading" - I have a hard time buying into this, because I don't know why she's hiding. Because I don't have any real sense of personal stakes, it undermines the whole thing. All that emotional investment that I built up in the first scene is frittering away by the paragraph. JJ has to question why they (Lil) are doing this, internally, but they have to question it, IMO. (page 6) - "He is much better behaved now" - WHOA!! Hang on, stop the bus. I'm assuming the JJ is non-binary, because the pronoun statement back at the start fo the journal sets that up. What, then, is this 'he' thing? - Okay, we get the explanation for why Lil is running, and I like that it's linked to JJ, that's ideal. Do I need it to come a bit sooner...I don't know, to be honest. - The dialogue tags--asked, said, etc.--are in past tense, but the narrative is in present. I think these should be 'asks, says, etc.' (page 7) - "But gods, so I have questions" - grammar? Seems off. - "Mom has already eaten my tree" - Now, I know this line can't be right...right? - 'Big' is not the most compelling of adjectives, especially not when used twice in a row. (page 8) - "was hollow for storage" - is hollow. I won't tag tense errors any more, but there are plenty. - "Why did you not check it before bringing Lil" - But there was no opportunity, surely. They just came straight here, didn't they? - Why can't Ar think of a hiding spot or two? (page 9) - "We just need to get her there, unseen" - The tension is pretty reasonable, since the stakes are high (getting eaten). I just wonder, or rather am starting to hope, that the stakes will be ramped up. There isn't really an antagonist in the story. Okay, some religion on a planet light years(?) away, but that is not very immediate. I can't help feeling that, if the school authorities caught Lil, JJ and Ar would be able to reason with them that the girl's fate was to be sacrificed, and that the school then would act to protect Lil. I'm also prepared to believe that the children would not think that way, but I'd like maybe more of a lantern hung on that, OR to have a physical antagonist in the station with the. Since we're only about half way through the story, I'm prepared to accept that we might still get a physical antagonist, but it will need to be soon to get the value from it, I think. - Ha, ha. Okay, LOL, maybe we do have a physical antagonist, and just in time. - "forty-nine hells" - The number going up is effective, but I'm starting to wonder why always the next number ending in nine. Many other numbers are available. - "Go in the back" - I think I see what's coming. (page 10) - "when they opened the door" - (1) tense again. There are loads of tense slips; (2) Also, I'm confused by the blocking. I thought they had come into the gym already. Where is this other door?; (3) This is exactly what I was expecting, so that's satisfying, because I got to anticipate JJ's reaction before it happened. - "I literally swoon" - I mean this literally means to faint, unconscious (usually). But JJ is not literally fainting, are they/he? - "I’m okay with you touching me" - Whose line it this? Not obvious, IMO. - "I have no boundaries" - Whose line? Need tags of some sort. - "shove me up against the door" - I don't understand where the door is, and how can Wr open the door if they are pushed up against it? Blocking is an issue for me in this location. (page 14) - "doesn’t actually kill anyone" - I don't understand here. Antidote? What antidote? (page 15) - "We’ll meet there" - Where? How can they meet in a TV show? Confused. (page 16) - The cat and the beasts, these come over a kind of comical to me, in a way that I think undermines the tone of the story so far. There's good tension and good stakes, and I've got my physical antagonist now, which is ideal, but these details lend this part a kind of ridiculous tone, I think, in way that more plausible aliens would not. - "Get to sneak out of camp" - Really don't need to justify this comment about JJ's ability to run. Because the image is making me laugh already, any justification seems to just stoke my incredulity. - "hurry to the rendezvous" - This last bit, the ditching of the goons, seems a bit easy. I though something was going to happen with the droids. Overall I'm really enjoying this. usual editing issues, but I think I've said all I need to above, and it is mostly details. Good job

I wanted to share with yous some notes that I made at the Glasgow SF Writers Circle festive reunion in December, my idea being to provide a little bit of motivation, maybe a smidge of insight from some established SFF authors, writing 'coaches', a renowned games writer, and maybe a talking point or two, and possibly even to pitch out there the suggestion of doing something similar in 2021 for RE alumni (for discussion). All the folks quoted are either current, on-hiatus or lapsed members of the GSFWC. (Also, my quotes are not exact, but paraphrase the intent.) Gary Gibson, established SF author of The Shoal Sequence and the Apocalypse Duology, https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1442754.Gary_Gibson > The people who succeed (as authors) are the hardcore obsessives who just keep going and refuse to give up. For me, this is probably the more important take-away from the whole open forum discussion, which is as completely simple as it sounds: Always be writing. Always be critiquing and revising and submitting your work to markets. Never. Give. Up. I am not yet good enough a practicing this, but I have at least started subbing my work out, and work on writing everyday. Still don't write enough though. GG - The best way to become a better writer is to teach or explain it to other people. Gary is a book doctor, among his various writing activities, and therefore knows whereof he speaks. He also noted that a lot of the books he gets to doctor are first novels. Does this imply that people improve enough not to get their second novels doctored? Or maybe that a lot of people give up at that stage? Unknown, but I think it does feed back into this point about striving to improve our craft through learning, critiquing, discussing and supporting each other. Bill King, spectacularly prolific author of over 100 novels, the majority tying-in to the likes of Warhammer; Warhammer 40k; World of Warcraft, https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/48348.William_King > Looking for things that don't work (in critiquing) is quite counterproductive, looking for things that do work--strengths and positives--is important. Others on RE are better at this than I am, I fear. I will try to do better at that, but, I think it has to be said that allowing shortcomings to go uncommented would not necessarily do the submitter any favours. Hal Duncan, author of the Scruffians books, including Vellum and Ink, https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/143699.Hal_Duncan. Hal is also a book doctor > He noted often falling in love with works that he was doctoring when they come from a place of love and passion (for the subject). I'm sure we all would say this about our work, but I wonder sometimes if any of us ever have a feeling like we know we want to write, but maybe 'this novel' we're working on isn't the one we really, in our hearts, want to be writing. Do we always love it enough to come back to it and edit it, and then edit it again, and workshop it, alpha read it, edit it again, and again, then submit it, over and over? It's probably a question we all should ask ourself every so often. HD - Felt that 'so many times' he found that a novel went wrong in some way in the early stages, and that problems rooted in an early misstep are carried all the way through, that avoiding a wrong turn near the start, or correcting one, can result in many things falling into place. Well, that's what RE is here to help with. More on that later... GG - Tend to find that people who are successful (as writers) cluster together in support groups, i.e. writing groups. This is not perhaps yet one for RE (although we are fortunate to have @kais, @Mandamon and @shatteredsmooth in our ranks as published SFF authors). I think an important thing to take from this comment though, is that writing groups evolve, and less experienced authors do (over time and with commitment, I think) garner valuable industry experience from those who have gone before, and know whereof they speak in relation to the industry, and what works in certain markets. We must also hope that as we all continue to work, and through the efforts of those who stick around in the group medium to long-term, RE can grow like the GSFWC has over 34 years now, to feature some established SFF authors. I always think it's really interesting that the Writing Excuses crew (I refer to 'founders/shapers' Brandon, Mary, Dan and Howard) still talk about being in their respective writing groups (I think maybe Brandon and Dan are still in the same group), even after the success that they have had to varying degrees. This rolls nicely back into GG's original point here about successful people clustering together. BK - talked about the role that luck plays, about meeting the boss of Games Workshop at a convention, getting a job and getting into tie-in fiction from there. He noted how he 'stuck at it till he succeeded. I think this is a message that rolls back (again) into the first point here; refusing to give up. He went on to say that 'if you are going to buy lottery tickets (extending the writing analogy), you might as well buy lots', i.e. keep writing; write a thing; then write another thing while you are critiquing, alpha reading and subbing your first thing; always be writing something new; thinking of the next project. BK - also used the phrase 'put yourself about'. I think that leads on to a whole other discussion about having a profile; experiencing different things like cons; and writing groups (maybe!); and forums; submitting to different markets in different forms (I guess), like short and novels, novellas, maybe flash. His point being you never know where you will find your break or your route into what you want to do. I also like Bill's closing remarks in summation of the message from this open discussion on 'advice to new and developing (unpublished) authors'. BK - reckoned that, in heading out to a frontier, trying to do something different (in our work), there is pressure to say and do certain things (and I took the context to mean in terms of how to develop a career), and he cited social-media. He said 'don't always listen to received wisdom'. What I took from that is that this is not a one-size-fits-all situation, and routes to publication that work for some will not work for others. Taking Bill's point about social-media at face value, I can totally appreciate what he's saying. Some authors are very active on Farcebook and T'wetter, and seem to be able to make it work for them, but there also are instances of spectacular self-destruction. I find so much of TW to be utter nonsense, and FB and SM generally can be come quite self-obsessive for some authors. handle with care, I guess. But I think Bill's point was much wider in terms of don't just follow all the advice you get if it doesn't feel right. At the end of the day it's our work, and our career, and it has to work for us. No point in 'succeeding' (whatever that might look like at a given time), but being unhappy with the outcome. I hope that some might find something in here useful in some way. I really only put this up because I wanted to share what I thought were some sage and useful thoughts from some people who have succeeded in a genre that we are all striving in. Please excuse my prattling commentary, which thoughts are my own, and of obviously lesser weight than the original comments, but largely just provided for context, or to promote discussion.