Robinski

Hi, sorry, I'm too far behind on pretty much everything to be starting again with something. I will however put up comments on the 'new' chapters subbed, as I'd like to read on.

I'm not seeing a lot of traffic, so I'm sure you are clear to go ahead.

If I wasn't up to my eyeballs, I would do it, but...I'm up to my eyeballs, sorry! My own MS for Quirk & Moth Book 2 is due back with a certain publisher by mid January. Don't tell him I'm running a bit behind my projected rate of progress

Oh, nicely done. No MLP?

I'm not going to catch-up read this, I think. I'm just going to sit back and wait

Hey, sorry I'm so late, still trying to get caught up with recent weeks! (p1) - Great first line, so casual but promises what feels like the entire story (p2) - "only one way to be beautiful" - missing word. "heard a voice as be boarded the ship" - typo. (p4) - "since it was extremely difficult to use their abilities to appear younger than you were" - There's a pronoun disagreement here: either 'your abilities to appear younger than you were', or 'their abilities to appear younger than they were', I think. "The unspoken rule" - Nice, implies a good deal of background. (p5) - "official army business" - I thought they were city guard? I know there are no capital letter here, so neither term really is formal and official, and one of these things can be part of the other, of course. Not really an issue; I just felt that maybe there was an opportunity to be a bit more definitive about the background/setting of the story. Not a big deal. "thanked the woman" - is he not showing an unduly close interest in this subject? If he's trying to remain hidden, I wonder if he must at least flag up to himself that he's running a risk even showing an interest in the 'm'? (p6) - "A openly scowled" - again, he seems to be revealing sympathy for the 'm' here, which might be unhealthy? I don't know: the woman seemed sympathetic too. Not sure I have quite got a grasp of the place the shifters have in society, not an accurate picture, anyway. Not yet. "hoped that his expression hadn’t been too obvious" - Oh, good. I'm glad he called himself out on this. "give him something else to think about" - What about the wife comment? Would the others, or at least B, not expect him to react more to that. Would B not expect that A would press him to know what had happened with his wife? (p7) - "went to fetch another" - Okay, this opening section was interesting, and conveyed quite a bit of information. The prose too was smooth and easy to read. My general comment would be that I think the emotion could be turned up higher, and that I want to feel more of the stakes. What is A's mission? What is the job? This is a piece of information that is missing and, since he's employed on the job, I think it would be entirely reasonable for him to consider internally what his goal was. I think that is important for the reader to become properly invested in the story and the character in particular. Repetition of the word "ground" closely in the same sentence is awkward. "but what could he do?" - Hmm, this is a bit weak of character, does not endear him to me. Okay, characters have to do what they have to do to survive sometimes, and of course this can be a good source of conflict, but I think it's highly likely that A was giving his client an alibi while the guy went of and confronted, possibly even murdered, his wife. If that's the case, and A knows about this 'sort of thing' happening on his watch, then this is potentially a much darker story than the tone so far suggests. Tone, now, is an ongoing issue for me. (p8) - "putting a target on each of them" - maybe there should be a target on them if they are basically criminals. "He couldn’t think about the implications of that right now" - I'm pressed that, once again, something I was concerned about also is of concern to the character. It's satisfying for the reader when that happens, especially when the reader gets there just before the character does. I maintain my concern that maybe A is not filled with sufficient cold dread that he has just aided a murderer. It sounds like this is the sort of thing that happens around the 'm'. "me not turning you in to be the other half" - Good note. I want to see more grit, more hardship, more anger, fear, etc, in the story. As I noted earlier, I'm not sure that the tone quite matches the subject matter and direction of the plot, yet; for me, anyway. (p9) - "After a few seconds of adjustments" - (a) What happens to his clothes? (Yay! It's the old Hulk conundrum!); (b) if it takes several seconds, why does the older man just stand around and let him do it? Surely, he's not stupid, and must realise that A is going to resist him in some way, possible even attack him? "The man frowned at him, considering" - I'm just not quite sure why D stood around while A turned into him. Might need to call that out somehow? Dunno. (p10) - "D considered" - He already considered a couple of lines earlier at the bottom of page 9. "and roughly handing the money" - suggest 'roughly handing more money to A". "He felt a sense of pride at his accomplishment, however small, however petty" - Yes, okay, but the word 'accomplishment' bothers me. I say again that A is basically a criminal, but the tone of the narrative, and A's interiority doesn't seem dark enough, wretched enough, to reflect some acknowledgment of what he is. "grim satisfaction" - Yes, more of this sort of thing, IMO. "thinking of something" - Nah, we're in his mind, I don't think you get to be this vague. This is a 'nothing' word. Even something a bit more substantial, like 'as a thought occurred to him' is still weak, just extra words that do no work, IMO. "just as ignorant as he had been this morning" - I've got a problem here. To me, this is a new plot strand coming up at the end, and not something that is satisfying, but something that doesn't seem likely to me. Presumably A had to walk to work on the docks? In that case, he must have walked past a bunch of posters, must he not? Surely members of his kind also would be about in the city, like the girl at the docks, and also could be expected to have known about the posters. I'm not sure that this line of plot holds together under scrutiny. "He set off towards his home" - I'm not compelled by this as a motivator for forward plot movement. I think it's too vague, unspecific, and doesn't seem to hold that much in the way of stakes personal to the main character. Also, sounds like the 'm' are criminals, and as I say, I'm really not sure that I'm invested in their plight in the way it's written at present. I should feel sympathy for them because... why, exactly? I get that sense that the city guard are reacting to the criminal activities aided and abetted by the 'm', and in doing that are attempting to clean up the city. I'm okay with reading about a protagonist who is morally grey, but I don't think the tone of this chapter really supports that sort of character, at present, as it sets up the 'm' as being oppressed. I'm just not sure how well that comes through. Will say again though, very well written in terms of form, and very easy to read. Some neat description in the beginnings although that falls away a bit. Some good characters and murky goings-on. Nice work

I was unsure until I heard the whole thing, then I got it.

I see what the other comments are getting at in relation to the disconnect between "I'm... ...nobody's perfect, but mine." I did not get that at first, true. I think it's possibly because you don't hit "I'm" all that hard in the first verse, and it sounds a little like "Ah". I think it 'it' was more clearly "I'm" each time, or certainly the first time, that would address the issues, for me.

1) They do to me. 2) Yup, they dow with me 3) I don't see a great issue with it. 4) See above. I DEMAND a harmonica solo!

Okay, this is going to be reeeeeeally unhelpful, but, I wouldn't change a thing. Lyrics are such a personal thing, and with 12-bar blues (indeed most forms of music, I think) you can pretty much fit the words to your melody and tempo as required. With this in mind, I think you have a great tune here. It's a bit short, maybe, but it would be entirely appropriate to have a instrumental break in there, if not two, which probably would take it to 3 some minutes, which I think is perfectly reasonable. Do you play the harmonica? Wee harmonics break in there somewhere would be perfect, IMO. Thanks so much for sharing

Comments! (p1) - "low to the ground" - LOL. "It’s almost as rank as the Queen" - I don't understand. How is the town "worthy"? I don't follow. "manmade bridges" - What the kind of bridges would there be, in this context? "half the charm" - LOL. "freakishly huge arachnoid" - Was this in Chapter 1? Probably WRS, not sure if I'm supposed to remember this. (p2) - "had the money for it too" - Money for what, getting here? Not entirely clear, IMO. "clutched each other from dark corners" - what, as in pulled each other out of hiding? Not clear. "slung her musket off her shoulder" - 'unslung', IMO. Slinging would be the act of putting the musket on the shoulder. "whether she had theft insurance" - It seems vanishingly unlikely to me that any kind of insurance exists in this world. But, I'm still struggling to get a handle on what kind of setting this is. If there is no financial services industry, I don't think you can make jokes about insurance. And, if there is a Fin Serve industry... what on Earth kind of world I this? Did the guard tell them her name in the last chapter? That's weird, and now they're shaking hands? I don't understand why the guards would take any interest in them after their guarding (and bribing) was done. (p3) - Surely Q knows whether it's the talisman or not, doesn't she? "on her belt" - Whose belt? "She gave him a sarcastic grin" Bess did? "She jumped at the sound" - Is this Q? I think there's a change in who the unnamed female is in this sequence, which is a bit confusing. Also, the premise that the boy would "sneak" across all that open ground... I couldn't find it amusing because it just didn't seem plausible. (p4) - "Q shouted" - (a) use of a exclamation mark and 'shouted' is pretty heavy; (b) I'm not invested in Q's sudden horror. She's come over pretty hard-nosed up to now, and suddenly she's losing her sh1t over some random urchin? "end of the universe" - meh. I don't think meaningless exaggeration is up to much as a comic device, not on its own. "Enjoy your stay... miss Sch...." - Miss Sch - the title is part of the name. "for maximum warning" - Okay, I'm going to bleat on about accuracy of phrasing for a bit [Press 'SKIP' to continue]... I think some phrases are enshrined in the English language to such a degree that the brain expects to 'hear' the phrase as soon as the first word falls, because the context is right, or maybe the first couple of words are in that form. So, here, my brain sees 'for maximum' and expects the next word to be 'effect'. When it's not 'effect', the brain (I really don't think it's only me) rebels. This is compounded when the replacement word doesn't really fit grammatically, and probably is squared by the fact that the same word has already appeared in the sentence. I've gone on at this length because there are various instances I think where this occurs. "Flies on food"... Okay, I can see that that works, but the "more likely" expression is "flies on sh*t", so again, my brain stops reading for a microsecond and thinks, 'Huh, that's a bit weird'. "didn't expend too much brain fluid" - There's another. (a) I'm expecting to hear "too much brain power"; (b) pretty sure that fluid on the brain in any form is a bad thing; (c) I doubt the brain expends any fluid in conscious thought taking place (because, b, above). I think humour needs to be internally consistent, or logically inconsistent. So, 'about as much use as a chocolate teapot' is funny (people seem to think, more often than not) because you could make a teapot from chocolate and then pour boiling water into it, it just would not be a very good idea, and we can all imagine the hilarious result ensuing from the attempt; (d) F is a necromancer, so he should know enough about the human body to know (b) and (c), ergo, my issue is compounded by not believing that the character would say this. Sorry to blether on. It's a subject that I am very invested in: how does comedy work. I think a lot of people who make comedy approach the subject with a significant eye for detail, because there are factors involved that can be studied and understood. "two-fingered salute" - This could mean a variety of things, as the available range of emojis indicates. "Or that they were being tailed by" - suspect it's a typo: "weren't". The first thing she's checking is a negative, so he second needs also to be a negative, in fact, I think "or" should be "and". What is she nervous about? I'm feeling an inconsistency in Q's emotional reactions. "Close." - What was close? Don't understand. (p5) - "lack of trigger discipline" - But I thought that the other guard shot the crossbow on purpose to warn off the kid? "In somewhere you’ll never reach" - Suggest cutting "In", duplicating 'somewhere'. "help me figure out where" - What does it matter if he figures out where? That's not the point of the threat. I don't know why he would ask that. The important point here is that she's (mock?) threatening to shoot him. Surprised that he seems to ignore that. I think last time I had an issue, here and there, of there being banter for banters sake, and this feels a bit like that. I'm not keen on banter displacing story. "parlour furniture" - LOL. (p6) - "stuck his fingers in his ear" - coins usually come from behind the ear, and there is a good reason for that, you can't get more than one finger in your ear. This is a touching moment, but I'm thrown out of it rather by the obvious logistical issues that could so easily be addressed. Also, Q sticking the finger in too far... not convincing, because why? Has she so little control over her own body that she can't look down an alley and regulate finger movement at the same time? I don't think so, from the woman who can pick the pocket of two guards while having a conversation with them. "whose inn budget just went down two shiny pegs" - 'had just gone down' "When Q was asked to do a review of Qw’s gladiator pit, the first thing she thought was, “Aw, shite" - 'her first though was...' - shorter, better timing of the gag. "Qw was the kind of name you gave a city when it has had no actual..." - tense agreement. Why have we gone into present tense all of a sudden? (p7) - "turning around and marching straight back to B" - really though? "possibly owned by racists" - I don't understand how she reaches this conclusion. "scraped the new grime off of her face" - suggest 'from her face'. I'm convinced any worthy editor would say that was better form. "We'll lodge here" - I thought they had already decided on the inn: this feels a bit like we're going backwards. (p8) - "to room with some priests who were passing through town" - how is this any cheaper than him rooming with her? "she twisted her key into the lock" - "in the lock", surely. How do you twist the key into the lock? "paisley quilts" - Quite telling that she finds a room like this questionable, it's very well equipped compared to the tent the kids in the alley were sleeping in. Also, I think "Paisley" usually is capitalised, as a proper noun. "She started at the sound of F’s voice" - Why? He's been talking in her head since the start of the book, why is this time any different from any other time? "he was doing this again" - What? I don't understand what's different here from the last 20(?) pages. "Making him telepathic in the first place" - I don't think we've been told why she did this -- the telepathy, but also the transformation itself -- and therefore references to it are mildly annoying, to me. If we have been told that's maybe WRS on my part, but a reminder would not go amiss here... if we've been told. "First, she'd imagined him..." - Oh, that's quite brilliant. I don't mean the concept, I mean the timing. When I read "she'd made sure of that" I'm immediately thinking 'I wonder how she did that', and then bam. Nailed it... if you'll pardon the expression. (p9) - "her so-called sisters" - wait who is this? This feels like a teasing piece of some of the background that I'm missing about the nature of the world. "to this day undisturbed." - I know I'm quibbling a lot (as it might be described, although I take back none of it, details are important) but that's a good thing. I've established over 10/12 years of critiquing that me commenting at greater length and digging down into small details is a sign of how good I think something is, and how I'm a bit frustrated that it's close to being really excellent and keen to try and help the author improve it. This paragraph here, for me, is just perfect in ever way. "The fathers have taken to discussing" - Oh, WAIT, I've got why she jumped, it's because he's not in the room with her? I didn't get that. Might need to hang a lantern on it? These two have been together every step of the way, in every line, and just because it was stated that she'd rented separate accommodation for him, I did not immediately assume that he was in that accommodation now, because it was not stated (I think). "sans in the view of men of the cloth" - grammar: suggest "sans the presence of men of the cloth", because 'sans' is French for 'without', therefore reads as "without in the the view of men of the cloth" "vomit out rust-red water" - fabulous description. "almost a whole minute" - doesn't seem all that long. Would take at least that to run warm in many modern homes. "wasn't even hot" - right, but is it warm, stone cold? What is it? I once heard on a writing podcast guidance against describing what something is not, which stick with me as being eminently good advice, for this kind of reason. "chattering like a nervous dental patient" - Hmm, why would a dental patient be more likely to chatter than any other kind of patient? (p10) - "freezing her b** off" - Description implies that the water is colder than the air in the room, so, is she not more likely to remain freezing by staying in the water, and to find that it is warmer out of the tub? The use of the phrase here bothers me, because it's not an instantaneous thing, freezing the b** off. I feel like usually it's used as a description of a continuous state: "I'm stuck out here freezing my b** off", as opposed to this sort of "as soon as the window opened, J froze their b** off" form. "put her dress back on" - confused: why did she put the dress on directly after renting it from the woman, when Q knew she wasn't clean, and would know she'd need to take it off almost immediately? "to give Q her clothes" - Oh, wait, so the inn-keep took her clothes to wash them? I don't think that was explained before. "Off she was to the Cr, then" - I don't know what this means: is the Cr a place? That's not immediately obvious: "Off she went to the Cr" would be clearer. "Just didn't feel like it" - As character motivation and interiority, this is... it's not good, not compelling and engaging, makes her sound like a privileged d**k. I still have a clear image of the starving kids in the alley and the moment she tried to buy off her conscience. "in her jacket’s inseams" - I don't know what this is. Is there a compelling reason not to just say "seams"? "...an entire building" - another perfect paragraph (IMO): sets up a question, answers it clearly, then provides a very satisfying and surprising illustration. "plus the soul of a necromancer" - Bah, you've lost me here. This smacks of the writer twisting the character around to react in a specific (very unlikely) way in order to illustrate a necessary point. This is a rare thing, it requires the soul of... not just any person off the street, but a necromancer to build, and she is contemplating using it BECAUSE SHE CAN'T BE BOTHERED WALKING?! Just screams 'not believable' in my reading head. "F started singing" - back to my point about the discontinuity in blocking (IMO), i.e. F not being in the room. A simply fix is to hang a lantern on it both in the original instance where he did not follow her to her room, and then again here with something like "Somewhere in the building, F started singing." (p11) - "given into that temptation" - "given in to...", IMO, because she had 'given in' (surrendered). "...bridal shower" - Bwah-ha-ha-ha. That's brilliant How can a town be misshapen? it's whatever shape development and topography dictates. This line makes no sense, IMO. It's a good idea, I think, but it has to make logical sense to work as a gag, IMO. "butter-soft ripples of twilight" - fabulous, just fabulous. "they used that river to their advantage" - who is they? "gators and flesh-eating piranhas" - For me, this is another of these annoying hints at a background to the setting that is being is being withheld from me. (p12) - "resumed her human form" - Well, as noted, nothing has happened to dispel my earlier opinion that this was a massive waste of a valuable resource. It just makes me question (and tend to dismiss) the character's judgement, and therefore start to turn against her. She could have walked that in, what, five minutes? "it ended up being locked" - logical of wording: it has been locked the entire time before she got there, so it doesn't end up being locked just because she finds it, which is how this reads to me. (p13) - "a good idea to familiarize herself with the route" - acht, this feels like reverse justification to me. In fact, it even heightens my dissatisfaction with her wasting the MacGuffin, because it didn't occur to me at the time of my original complaint that she would have to walk back! So, I feels to me like she's just destroyed a Faberge egg to save a Über fare. Feel like her though process in this aspect has been really weak. "A half-hour walk later" - Still not worth a Faberge egg. "the DD of U the E" - ROFL. Oh, oh, "flicked the DW off down the hall" - that's fantastic. I don't really understand that threat though. I'm trying to remember, did F possess the artefact in question? I though he did, so why would he waste such a powerful artefact just to make a threat like this? I am not at all sure I understand how it's a threat, either. "didn’t look like they’d been pilfered through" - Same concern as before, I'm confident this grammar is 'unconventional' and therefore disturbing (to me anyway, and maybe to an editor). (p14) - "in case the actual parchment was poisoned" - Nice detail. Nice bit of tradecraft there. "Red Lady" - Is she a redhead? Not sure where this epithet comes from. Maybe it's me who has forgotten. "never see him again" - Oh, this is brilliant. Already feels like a twist, not what I was expecting at all. Nicely done. "the priests F had been rooming with" - Which she put him in with, essentially. "Free at ------- last!" - LOL, not the reaction I was expecting.* Therefore, a nice double-take moment, but (*) I think there is a a bit of a disconnect here. I mentioned before that I don't think it's been clarified why Q turned him in to an ostrich. And setting above, below or within that particular detail, I am unsure what drive their relationship. Yes, they have excellent banter (sometimes a little overmuch that dilutes any suggestion of plot), but I don't understand the emotional connection between them, and that hampers my investment in things like this, her reaction to his kidnapping, amongst other things. I don't understand the emotional setting of the story, and I feel that it's holding me back. There is hints, like her mentioning battles with her father, but I feel like I'm taunted with these details, but not given enough to truly immerse myself in the story. Oh. But I don't understand. The whole basis of the plot is F competing in the arena. That has just been removed, replaced with his kidnapping, but there is no suggestion of what she's going to do, or even really how she feels about it, beyond an initial emotional reaction. I've gone from having a tenuous plot, to have not plot at all, or rather next to no character motivation at all. Summary Argh. I'm frustrated by this, because I love loads of it, but there are some big pieces missing, for me. The main character's emotional landscape is missing. I don't really know how Q feels about... pretty much anything. I don't know her past, and I know very little about her present. There are odd hints: hatred of father; sympathy for urchins; antipathy towards F - but I don't understand the basis of any of it, or what her actual motivations are. Writing an article for her job is not a motivation, not enough to carry a story. This seems to me like a case quite a lot of stuff being withheld from the reader for dramatic effect, but that doesn't work (IMO) when it leaves me all at sea without a basis to connect with the character. After being quite slow for much of the chapter, things happen in the last few pages, which is good, but again there are issues holding me back from engaging that are quite frustrating.

Yep. Agree. Sorry, Sara, that I went in a bit hard about wording: of course it's a rough draft, and it's pretty good for being that! And yeah, again, really need the rules to be explained early on, and for the fear of death to but put into the character (C), and the reader!!

Hey, I'm getting there! (p1) - There are some brilliant ideas in this. I LOVE what only blank books can do! And later, the furniture... it's something I've seen before (might even have used in DewD, I can't remember!), but it's really cool. (p2) - There are various reference in text to 'they', and sometimes I don't think it's clear which 'they' is being referred to. Similarly, there are references to 'the guard', but I think it looks like reference to one particular guard, and that reference to the Guard (as an organisation) could be capitalised for clarity. (p3) - There are quite a number of locations throughout where I found the narrative confusing and wordy. I've sent LBL comments through, and I appreciate that it's a (first?) draft, but there are numerous places where one well-chosen word can replace a handful. I think I need some clarification on who the missing children are. Do we know that they are friends of C's or are we just assuming that? I want to know more about that relationship in order to be able to invest in the central premise, which is getting these kids back. What are their names? Is related to any of them? Any attachment? Maybe it would be interesting if C didn't like these people, but felt obliged to rescue them for some reason. Maybe some of this is WRS* and some of that information is provided earlier, but I think some repetition / reminder in each chapter (maybe?) would be good. It doesn't need to, and indeed shouldn't, be a complete retread of the detailed explanation of all their names if that is given earlier, but I need to be reminded who we're looking for some. (* For those not familiar, Weekly Reader Syndrome - the effect of a reader forgetting (because of the week's gap between submission) details they normally would remember by reading a book with smaller gaps between chapters.) "if we die trying to find them" - I'm struggling to invest in the threat here. We have not seen the baddies being bad, or any results from their work other than taking the children. "how cruel the fay lands could be" - Again, not invested. I'm being told this without being shown it. I know show don't tell is a total cliché, but it's a truism because there is truth to it. "stay put once the sun set, per the rules" - Huh, what rule is this? Don't think we've been told about this. Finishing a scene on a point of new information is... undesirable, IMO. Unless, I've forgotten this, of course. (p4) - "didn't know how far into the patrol they already were" - How could he have been talking to them if they were already out on patrol? They would have needed to be a the palace for hom to talk to them, would they not, but they were "into the patrol". (p5) - I don't understand the relationship between P and A, so lines about them sharing the bed don't land for me. Were they together and then not? Again, I'm held back from investing in the relationship because I don't know what it is. I know it was touched on earlier, but I don't think it was explained, and it's really hampering me investing in their relationship, leaving any romantic tension kind of flat, IMO. (p7) - At first, the sunlight is described as golden-red light. That sounds different from orange to me, which then turns to red: wording is a bit confusing on this point. (p8) - Kinda weak last line, for me. It sounds like it's expecting more words to follow. I think scene last lines do a lot to propel the reader through the story, and I think it would be worth looking at most of the last lines and scene-closing lines to make sure they are powerful and portentous as possible. SUMMARY I find myself getting bogged down in some fairly scruffy sentences that tend to hamper my progress through the story. I felt that there was some repetition, and often the wording could be more direct. The search for the kids, I know, was in the last chapter, but this results in not much happening in this chapter. The only thing that really happened was the talk with the guards involved in the patrol, and it was over very quickly. This chapter feels insubstantial to me. I bet you could put this together with the last chapter and, with cutting repetition and wordiness, could end up with one fairly tight chapter. There are good characters here, but I would like to know more about their relationships and their emotion in order to become more invested in them and their cooperation. At the moment, I think maybe there is a lot of person stuff that is not there on the page that should be. I mentioned that of C and her friends. There's no substance to that relationship, they are just friends, full stop. P and A have a past, that's all. We don't know what it is, but are asked to accept that it motivates each of them in some way, but we are not sure what way. The goal of finding the captured children, IMO, is not enough to fuel a whole novel. I need more personal goals/motivations, and higher level societal goals/motivations, I think, for the story to feel more involving, more substantial. I hope all this is useful

Oops! Hoist by my own petard!! Fair comment. I could attribute this to the fact that I've changed my mind... but more likely, I was just plain wrong. Seeing it on the page is the ultimate test, I suppose. I mean it's possible to follow it okay from context, I thought, but it's that initial moment of disorientation, and working out what's happening that I struggled with a bit. I suppose there would be ways to really telegraph it so that it was "impossible" to misinterpret...maybe something like: F looked right at her, but his voice appeared in her mind...because he was an ostrich, but also a necromancer. 'What's for breakfast?' Dunno. Something like this is very much about majority reaction, I guess. But also what a publisher says, which @Mandamon's point very interesting.

Yupperoony!

Yeah, this was my reaction to the gun too. The guards didn't recognise the technology, which made me think of time travel too. It's sort of acknowledged that there are different tech levels, but I think the reader need some explanation of this early on to help with these moments of disorientation. Just tell us. Not everything has to be a secret for later revelation.

This is a good point, and I tend to agree. I did think that Jen was pretty good as the 'straight gal' (and I mean that in a comedic sense!!), however I'd agree that F, Q and B did have quite similar personalities and speech patterns.

Hey, welcome back. (Which is good coming from me, as I've been away for a stretch myself... Not in prison, I hasten to add. Not that kind of stretch!). Ooh, writing comedy. I love comedy, I love my own stories to have humour, which the majority do, but it can be a very difficult thing to get right, given that what folks find funny can be very different, and some people just don't like comedy at all. This will be very interesting. (p1) - There are a bunch of little grammar ticks and wording tweaks that I would comment on, but I'm not going to do that. However, before you sub it to an agent or publisher, have someone do a proofreading pass that is not you. Example: "she pilfered through another pocket". IMO, pilfering is not a specific verb in that way, I think it's a more general, higher-level action. I also think that it applies to the thing being taken, as in "she pilfered coins from the body". Merriam-Webster has this definition: "to steal stealthily in small amounts and often again and again". This is why I don't think the word is used quite accurately in this case. And, this is very much what I mean about having someone proofread who has an eye for this kind of detail. "bread knives" - LOL. Brevity is important in comedy, I believe. Even more so than in the construction of prose that is entertaining in a general sense. In the context of comedy, more words than necessary are not only unengaging, but they affect the timing of the line, and therefore the delivery of the gag. Example: "Their numerous empty pockets attested to just how effective that particular tactic had been with other travelers." Wordy: I think there are several extra words here that don't add anything to the line, and just delay the delivery of the gag. IMO, the following is funnier: 'Their empty pockets attested to just how effective that tactic had been.' > numerous (number of pockets doesn't matter for the line, and most people have about the same number of pockets anyway); particular (again, doesn't add to the meaning or nuance and only slows the reader down; with other travellers (this is implicit in saying 'how effective that tactic had been'. The tactic only could have been applied to other travellers.) Great place names. I really like those. (p2) - "A man can dream" - But he's an ostrich, right? This implies to me that Fergus is a man that has been turned into an ostrich. Interesting. > "necromancer ostrich" okay then. "The base adores the occasional skosh of violence" - (1) I tried to read base as boss. Base strikes me as a modern word, so now I'm thinking there could be time-travel involved here; (2) what is 'skosh'? I do not know this word. "Like, penises" - So, they were not penises, but only were like penises. So, what are they, and what do penises have to do with it? Is this just an excuse to use the word penis as a cheap gag? "Q didn't plan to ask" - suggested as an alternative, being shorter, and sharper. “Which part?” - I thought there was a typo with the quotation marks, and then I guessed that the single quote marks are intended to represent the voice in Q's head? I think that's confusing for the reader and doesn't really convey that those parts are not spoken out loud. Single quotation marks are used for audible dialogue by some writers, hence my momentary confusion. You could use italics, or bold type for the internal voice, for example, both of which I've seen in published books, and which look less like verbal dialogue. "pretended to idly count off on her fingers" How do you pretend to count of on your fingers? Is she not actually counting? I presume she is making the motion in time with each option, so how is that not counting? "LM, just for starters. No-good liars, all of them" - Confused. LM sounds like one persons name to me, but I guess M*****s is a plural? But since M***** is not a real word, and it's capitalised, I struggle to read it as a plural, and see it as I would a name. (p3) - "The way he put it, it just spoke to his productivity. Q thought it spoke to just how bad a wizard he was." - Q is thinking both things here. As written, "it just spoke to his productivity" is her conclusion based on how "he put it". Her drawing both conclusions is contradictory, IMO. Compare that with 'He said it only spoke to his productivity. Q thought...(etc.)' "like he was a cat that had just caught sight of the dog who’d pissed on him in his sleep" - suggested for flow and clarity. Also, LMAO. "This again" - ROFL: great timing. If he was a lord, why would he be involved in the actual hanging up of the people by their viscera? Surely as a lord, he would just order it done, and then wait to be told it had been completed, and the fact of how long it took, would be of no more concern to him than where his breakfast came from? "She tasted the name on her tongue" - This again implies that me original interpretation of this a a single person's name, may have been accurate, which tends to upload my impression that the original line was confusing > "That was DA" - oh, wait, is it the name if a company? This sounds much more like the name of a company, but I've been reading this as a fantasy story. Is it in fact, and urban fantasy, with tech and other such modern things? I would know that if I'd picked up a completed work including art and blurb, etc. so this is not a complaint, just be readjusting my perception. "That was you?" - Bit confused: so, F was the worm? (p4) - "something other than work" - How is that not work? Sounds like work to me. "It was a black iron coin" - It was stated that there was a jingling sound, but a single coin would not make any sound, it needs something to jingle against. "You bake bread" - I'm glad that she called this out, but, why would anyone with any kind of functioning intelligence say "cook a loaf" at it? That doesn't make any logical sense. You do not use a breadknife in the cooking process, and the cooking process does not involve the movement of the bread at any kind of speed. As humour, this passage feels very forced, and therefore not funny. "tossed it over into the creek" - Tossed it over what? Could cut, and just toss it into the creek, or explain what it was tossed over. "Was that supposed to tell me something" - It's unclear what 'that' is in reference to: the stream, the knife, the act of throwing, or even Q's statement. Also, this banter is entering its fifth page, and it's becoming rather extended. It'd like to see some forward movement very soon, if not sooner than this. They could being having much of this discussion while moving towards some sort of goal, which they are not at present. (p5) - "I didn’t shrink your brain down that much" - Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up the bus a second. There's been no suggestion to date that Q also is some kind of magic user, unless I missed it. If that's the case, I'd like to have a clue to that much earlier on. Why a "toy" necklace, why not just a necklace? I don't understand the distinction. "more to life than gathering nuts" - Heh, well, squirrels gather way more than just nuts, so I don't think that this line lands. Our squirrels seem to gather and hide as many apples as they do anything else. "sold a lot more copies" - more copies of what? I don't really understand what these two do. What are their goals/aims at the start of the story; what are their motivations? (p6) - "that one opaque onyx glob stuck in F’s too- tiny skull" - (a) wait, this is a one-eyed ostrich? If so, I need to know that way back the top of page 1 (unless I missed something that is already there); (b) should this be 'globe'? "long-legged bastard"- LMAO. “Instill,” Q corrected him. He glared. “What? Writer. Anyways?” - For me, some of the humour feels forced. I had to read this three times to get the sense of it. Why would he use the word "install"? He's a necromancer, an intelligent person. Him using the wrong word needs to be believable in the first place for the joke to land. But, if he's of low education enough to use the wrong word in the first place, it probably isn't funny to make fun of him anyway. Also, "Writer." So, Q is a writer? What kind of writer? For what publication? I need the set up, which sounds rather amusing in itself, and therefore really should be on the page, I think, up near the top. "rule by my side as co-mayor" - Mayor does not sound like an especially powerful position. A mayor, traditionally, is the administrative head of a town, appointed by electoral process. The term does not install fear and wonder in me. "Her Dimwitedness and your fellow beldams" - I have no idea who these people are. If this is supposed to land as some kind of motivation, or revelation, it needs to be established who these people are, and why they are undesirable. This raises sooooo many questions. Who is 'her'; why is she dimwitted; how is Q associated with them; what is a bedlam? Many, many questions, along with all the other questions that I have. The more questions I accumulate without answers, the more frustrated I get. Withholding from the reader I highly overrated. "though she could guess" - I can't. Characters rubbing my lack of knowledge in my face does not endear them to me. (p7) - "She was a little more than partial" - What does a little more than partial look like? How much more? 10%? Probably, that looks pretty much indistinguishable from partial, to the casual observer. "...hilariously disemboweled in front of a cheering crowd of thousands was delicious" - I don't see what the sub-clause adds, and for me it detracts more than it brings to this snappy line. "Conflicts of interest and all that" - What conflicts? I don't understand. "address their dinner" - LOL. "Mind your gun." - Wait, what! This again is a sudden and jarring introduction of a modern piece of technology when we've been discussing highwaymen and gladiatorial arenas for the last seven pages. It upturns my sense of setting and place, and once again, I'm back to not knowing what kind of world I am in. "dead tree number one zillion" - So, many, questions. Has there been a forest fire? What does the landscape look like? I've been picturing a default forest setting, because there was mention of a creek and a bridge. That's pretty much the only sense of setting and environment that I have. "She considered the bodies, then decided doing so was in and of itself way too much trouble" - Really wordy. What does this add? I'm not sure the end of the chapter lands. I think dramatically, it would be more effective to end on "...to catch up with F." (p9) - "So the poor little snapbow had to sit off to the side, unused and unloved on the floor of her watchtower" - (a) How does this follow the previous paragraph? I don't think it does in a narrative sense. If the last paragraph ended "But no permitless fruit merchants had happened along, so the poor...etc; (b) How is the bow unloved? Clearly she loves it from the glowing description she just gave. "was about as sterling a conversation partner as a brick wall" - typo. (p10) - "from the town wacko to the town know-it-all" - LOL. (p11) - "the explosion that went off within the dead forest" - missing words? "collective yelp of fright from the townsfolk" - This sounds very odd. "B looked on straight ahead. Two figures emerged" - I don't understanding the preceding reference to the time; also, I don't know what 'on' in doing in this. Beside that, seems clunky in a dramatic moment, compared to something like 'As B watched, two figures emerged...' "trying to get off all the ash on it" - very clunky: 'trying to shake off a blanket of ash'. Also, not at all sure that ash and soot are the same thing. "a reinforcements-worthy emergency" - as opposed to an emergency that doesn't need reinforcements? Why would they ring the bell then, if they didn't need reinforcements? (p12) - "but some of it had escaped and tumbled down" - IMO. "so did the bird, without any prompting" - LOL, excellent. "goes and blows up in the dead wood" - It has been referred to as the dead forest up to now. (p13) - "This one might need a fountain though,” she asked" - But it's not a question, so, said IMO. "felt faintly judged" - ROFL, excellent. "No, you can’t come in." - ROFL. (p14) - "in the whole country" implies that B is referencing the country that they are in, but then considers that they are "so far from the queendom". These two things seems to be contradictory. (p15) - "professional liars" - Bwa-hah-ha. I mean, funny, but not really fair to the vast majority of journalists. (p17) - "check out what blew some of the forest up" - Why was no one else official attracted by the explosion? This seems really pretty unlikely. "face flat as a table" - Oh, that's excellent. LOL! CONCLUSION There's a lot of good stuff here, but for me, it move too slowly. The thing that is slowing it down is the extent of the banter. Some of the banter is good, there are some real gems of lines in there, but all-in-all, I think there is too much of it, and it gets in the way of story, which comedy should not be doing, IMO. It's a balance between comedy and action, and I don't think the balance is quite there. On the other hand, if this was pure comedy, I'd be saying that it is not funny enough. I think there are markets for stories including humour, but they are always other things first and foremost. You would never call Star Wars (A New Hope) a comedy, but it has some brilliant bantering, as you know. Guardians of the Galaxy is the same. But when you talk about writing a comedy, you are in the realm of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Princess Bride, etc. I feel that this seems to be falling in between genres and as a result into sharp enough in either camp, yet! It's a very difficult thing to write comedy, IMO, but much easier to write a fantasy story with humour. Editing (in particular cutting down the banter that goes too far, or too long), can bring that balance back into solid territory. Thanks for sharing!

Heya. Comments. (BTW, because I'm trying to critique faster when I do critique, it's not sort of necessary to read the comments here in the forum in conjunction with my tracked comments in the LBL file that I've emailed back. Sorry! I hope these points are useful. I liked plenty about this chapter: the introduction of flying creatures, making progress in searching for the kids (although I think everyone needs to be more focused on and urgent about that throughout, mentioning it more often, even if only to try and hurry other people up). Usual loose typo stuff, but I'm still enjoying the story (p1) - "court tailors suits" - I don't understand what this phrase means, and the context doesn't help me. It sounds like the whole fae court is involved in the sewing of suits (as in business suits). "The door opened slowly" - How? Who opened it? I like the tailor's dialogue. (p2) - if 'faerie' is the name of this place, I think it should be capitalised. I dislike "could've" and "would've". Some contractions are fine, but these are kind of clumsy to read, IMO. And, I don't see any reason for them. "brushed red curls away from her face" - Whoa!! This is a very personal gesture. I get no sense the personal boundaries are any different here than on Earth, so I kind of need some kind of reference point to understand this intimate gesture. "G narrowed her eyes" - G has been referred to as they up to this point, or 'the tailor'. I G female, or is this a typo? "G shook her head" - okay this is the 3rd or 4th 'her' so I'm seeing that G is female. I think that should be made completely obvious when G first comes into the story. When G does appear, it is most 'the tailor' this and 'they' that. I think her gender needs to be clear from the get-go. (p3) - "everyone wore gowns to balls in F, regardless of gender" - excellent! "I think we should be out searching, not debating about clothing" - I tend to agree with C. A is not showing much urgency about finding the kids. Even if they have to do this dress bargain, maybe A could have some interiority showing their concern about time slipping away? If that were appropriate. I think the reader needs to feel that the pacing of the story hasn't disappeared through this scene. "did not permit me to take a company" - Huh? What is 'a company'? It sounds like a form of transport. "anxious to get the aerie" - Here, A shows some urgency, but I didn't get much sense of that before. I think we need it through the chapter a little more. Also, what "the aerie" that A wants to get? (p4) - "a stable full of one of the most magnificent beasts" - How can one beast fill a stable? Is this correct? Sounds weird. [Edit] - yeah, need a cut here. It gives the wrong impression, IMO, of one huge beast filling the whole stable. "Granted..." - This sentence is very confusing. Suggest a simplification/clarification. "A wondered if this Leaf was the same one they had ridden" - But it must be the same one, otherwise, Ae would not have said that Leaf was out, Ae would have said that Leaf was dead. [Edit] "the great grandson of the one you rode" - meh, I think Ae's first comment was misleading "almost started crying" > fought back tears. Forgive me if I've forgotten this already, but is this a YA or MG story? I think 'maturity' of phrasing is something that defines market. I think the first here sounds quite juvenile, and maybe that's the intention. But if it's adult, (or YA?) I think that sort of phrasing would stick outa bit. Maybe. (p5) - "some other important piece of information slipped away" - Really? While this maybe be true in a practical sense (after a certain age?) I tend to doubt that it would be so starkly noticeable to someone as young as Ar, as they would be able to recall all the more recent information, surely, and the stuff that they forgot would be stuff that they would necessarily be trying to recall? I'm not going to pretend I know how memory works on a physiological level, but Ar strikes me as being too young for this to be a thing for them. "But thirty-three wasn’t that old" - Ok, good. I'm glad you called this out, but now you've made a promise to the reader that we will get some kind of answer to this noticeable memory loss, which I don't think is normal (or at least noteworthy) in a 33 year-old, UNLESS there is something unusual going on. "because adults have [redacted] memories" - This is just not true, not in the way it's stated here, and a blanket statement that applies to all adults. The way memory works does of course change over time, but a general statement like this about all adults is false. This needs to be changed, IMO, or Ar needs to call out C fort trolling all adults!! LOL "looking off into the distance" - there's some confusion in the blocking here. They were going into a stables, but then Ae stalks away, now Ae's looking into the distance, but they are still inside the building, because Ae stalked "towards the steeds". Confused. (p6) - "the aerie stable" - What is this word? [Edit] just looked it up: good grief. I have not idea who one gets from eyrie to aerie. The main issue I have is that I looks exactly like faerie without the 'f', so it looks exactly like a typo to me. (I'm from the UK, BTW, for anyone who doesn't know, and is actually reading this far.) "Humans, even in F, had faulty memories" - Again, I am just not buying this, or following it as a concept because I don't believe it as a general statement, so I'm thinking there is something 'abnormal' going on with this point, but that is not how it's being presented, in this sort of 'All humans are always forgetting things all the time' sort of way. "tried to summon their stubborn memories" - Is this thing about memory supposed to relate specifically to a difficulty in humans remembering after making a transition from Earth to Faerie, or in the reverse direction, or a difficult in humans that remain in Faerie for any length of time? If that is the case, I think that needs to be stated explicitly when the memory issue is first raised, and then reminders provided of that specific qualification, maybe even every page. (p7) - "That must be like if you’re immortal and your dog lives with you for a hundred years then suddenly dies" - But this implies that the dog is immortal too, or effectively so, if it lives for 100 years. "Earth cats are people too" - No, no they are not. Like cats, maybe, but they are demonstrably not people, or they would be called people. (p8) - "summer lands" - I feel that this is the first mention of this location, and the 'opposite area', in the story. If that is the case, or even if it is not, I think this needs to be drawn out more earlier in the story, and some background given if the areas are going to play an important role going forward in the story. "be able to find where they landed" - How? I want to know what signs they expect to be able to see from the air. What are they looking for, a circle of scorched ground, a flattened area like a crop circle? I want to know what it is, specifically, that they are looking for. (p9) - "keep them at their tent" - Their what? What is the significance of tent? I want to understand this, if it some kind of nuance of the society. Do all the faerie live in tents, just the unsee, only fay that are travelling away from home? > "go searching random tents" - So, there are lots of tents. See earlier comment. "They circled through the forest" - Confused: they were above everything, but now they are down amongst the trees? If they are defending almost to ground level, that needs to be flagged for the reader. Also, flying through the trees/forest would be hazardous. By the way this is written, I think "through" is not what's intended, but rather "over" the forest? "ranging farther out with each pass" - farther out from what? It did not sound to me like they were flying in circles until they reached the forest, which implies that the centre of the circles they are now ranging farther out from is located in the forest, and the circular search pattern is new, since they were flying over a field to reach the forest. Personally, I don't think a circle is an effective search pattern for a small group, as I'd have thought they would tend to find themselves covering large areas that they were not interested in just to 'circle back to the more interesting bit. "circling further and further out" - inconsistency between further here, and earlier references using "farther". I think you need to pick one form and stick to that. "led them over to a high mountain pond" - this sounds very casual about distance. It sounds like the mountain is ten yards away across the room. I don't think this is convincing description. I think the last few chapters are insufficiently dramatic, and I've made a couple of suggestions in the emailed file.

Heya, still getting caught up (p1) - "free of charge" means without paying, usually, and so to hear it used differently is disorienting. I would say I have never heard that phrase used in this way. It would be better, clearer, to use the word 'punishment', IMO. "gifted’s" - should be 'gifteds'. I know my comments on Chp.1 came after you subbed this. This next statement is not just aimed at you, FlowerGirl, please don't take it personally, but I'll use this forum if I may to make a general statement. I would really recommend to everyone subbing here, or anywhere, check your grammar, and for typos and spelling mistakes, before subbing. (a) it's kind of unfair to expect others to read your work if you haven't made that process as easy as possible for them; (b) it makes your work look amateurish; (c) it tends to appear that you don't care enough about your work to bother checking for things should be simple to fix, even if you only switch on all available grammar and spell-checkers. Public service announcement ends. I think 'mayor W' should be capitalised, Mayor W, because this is his title, basically a part of his name. (p2) - "I mentally think back" - all thinking is mental, this is redundant. (p3) - "There's several gasps" - There are several gasps. I noted in Chp.1 there is nothing wrong with a character having bad grammar, it can add texture and chararcter to a piece, and reveal background, but in this case, the character had good 99% of the time, so this is out of place, IMO, and just looks like a mistake. "try to steal their sisters" - I mean, this is kind of painfully naive. It's cute, but really feels kind of misguided to me. Because marriage and living together (apart from family) is part of the current Western way of life. So, as the conflict that lead to the inciting incident, this still feels rather weak to me. "It feels like I should have some say in what they decide." - Eh? Why? That is not how courts work. MC sounds kinda dense with this statement. "I would still be in the city with my family" - MC feels too calm here. They are faced with a terrible fate, and they don't sounds even slightly bothered about it. "I’m definitely hoping for life in prison now". There is no sense from them that they think this is a bad thing. (p4) - "I can’t let him take me away. I can’t leave my family." This comes kind of late in the court case, such that... "I get to my feet and run." It's hard to be emotionally invested in this line, which follows directly after. Because I had not sense of MC's emotional state during the trial, until the first quoted line here, the second one is less believable. "I turn down streets" - Were they not in a building? Were there no guards? Feels like a disconnect here that they are suddenly away from the building, as if they teleported. "J won't mind if I hide there" - This is super naive. The character has really poor judgement. And no thought that they would be putting their friend in danger: selfish. Will drop in here that I do enjoy the first person present tense; it is very immediate. The narrative is sparse too, which has the advantage of making it very readable, but the disadvantage that the lack of description, physical and emotional, makes it difficult to invest in the world and the character. "Can they use it to track someone?" - Repetitive, a very similar thought about tracking is used 8 lines earlier. (p5) - "the gifted’s would never do anything bad" - (a) 'gifted' would be the most likely collective term for a group of 'gifted', but you could use gifteds as the plural; (b) How does J know this?; (c) It sounds really unlikely. "force her to want to go with him" - still can't get behind this as a character motivation. (p6) - "Living with the gifted’s might just be another adventure to her" - does the character really have no notion at all of romance? What age is she? Surely she gets that her parents used to like apart, and now they live together? "J grins and rubs her hands together" - I find the dramatic tone of the story confusing. I've spoken about the main character's naivety. Here, J displays the same sort of naivety about what the consequences might be for her parents. The concepts of life in prison and reeducation are treated very lightly. The concept of being punished so severely for one's own thoughts (amongst other things, certainly), is monstrously dystopian, but the narrative doesn't carry any real sense of threat, or weight. I think that's a pretty big issue, because I don't think this story knows what it is, and what its audience is. And sure, you can just write a story for yourself, and you absolutely must do that, but different genres and sub-genres come with rules, conventions, tropes, that guide the reader, the agent, the publisher in terms of where to place the book and how to sell it (if that's your goal). I don't think that a publisher could sell this book for the reasons that I've stated, and I'm coming to question now whether you are ready as a writer to write this story. Have you listened the Writing Excuses podcasts, or Brandon Sanderson's lecture series? There is a large amount of very valuable guidance, advice and information in both of those sources. It's a lot of material, but it is well worth going through, and anyone who hasn't and does so will, I think, gain a huge amount of knowledge about themselves as a writer, and also about the art of writing, and the publishing industry. These sources changed me as a writer, improving me immeasurably, I think, as did practice, and constant critique (through this very group, for over ten years now). I don't think I will be saying much different in future submissions beyond the headlines that I've noted in these first two chapters, and so I am going to bow out at this point. By all means keep going. I don't know if you have finished this novel, or are still writing towards the end, but finishing is the second most important thing a writer can do; the first being starting, of course! So, I urge you to complete this process, and stick at it. Maybe after doing so, try some series of the WE podcast or the lecture series then try writing something completely new. Usually, we learn a great deal from a project, even if it does not succeed in its current form, and when we start something new it is elevated by that first experience, (IF we carried it through to the end, I would add). Best of luck to you with this project, and also with the next one. I'd be happy to start reading any future projects that you bring to the group. Thanks for sharing

Yeah, same issue with the ending as others. Maybe she goes through the time machine, and she doesn't know if it's worked, and there's a short scene of her struggling through a forest or something, and then she sees the flock of pterodactyls and knows that she's succeeded. Something along those lines, to give the final reveal more drama?

Straight in: (LBL comments by email) (p1) - first line: Wow, this is a very direct statement of character aims, and what seems to be the main conflict. For me, it's almost too bold, too bald. I like the first line, but the description of the protest could be more engaging/enlightening: Why/what are they protesting? Why is it a secret project, and why is it secret, if research is permitted at the moment? Also, if it's a secret project, could they not just continue it, flouting the laws, since it's a secret from the authorities anyway? If they're protesting the new restrictions on research, then they would cheer her, wouldn't they, the mob? (p2) - If the bank is all the way across town, surely there is a way that she could go around one sqaure with some protestors in it. It seems really unlikely there is no side route. (p6) - "She'd thought one crystal--the one in the bike--would be enough" - Hang on, this was no part of the original plan. I'm sure she started out after just the one crystal from the bank, and never mentioned the bike's crystal until now. How far above the crowd is she? I struggle to believe that anyone could throw a hat that high. "She got lower and lower [...] skidding onto the roof of the bank" - I think this needs to land way better (excuse the pun). She would see the bank approaching, think she was going to make it, then not, then dramatic resolution. (p7) - "Getting the air bike down proved more challenging" - Why on Earth does she need to do that? Surely she can just remove the crystal from the bike? (p8) - "Finding the maintenance closet full of tools proved more difficult" - Than breaking into safety deposit boxes? That seems really unlikely. No one is trying to hide the maintenance closet, or trying all that hard to prevent access, surely, compared to a deposit box. (p9) - "soon, air was below her" - This is really undersold, IMO. She should be going off the edge of the roof just as the guards grab for her, making a daring getaway. Something more exciting here, near the end of the story. "connected the bike to the time apparatus" - Oh, the bike is part of the time machine? This wasn't clear from the start: we were told she needed to get to the bank to get the crystal, but we were not told she needed at the bike just as much as she needed the crystal. (p10) - "And in front of her, a flock of..." - Oh, is that the end? That's a curious last line. It doesn't feel like the end; feels like there's a page missing. SUMMARY: I like a lot about the story, but I found some of the key moments kind of underwritten and not as exciting or daring or dramatic as I would expect for this kind of adventure story. I think it will edit up nicely though, and could make a thrilling wee tale. The ending is really abrupt though, and not as satisfying as it should be, IMO.

Heya, sorry this is so late, but I hope there is still something useful in my comments. I'm aiming to get back into crits here, and want to make sure I am up to date with current projects. So, diving in... Because this is a PDF, I'm not going to do line-by-line comments, which normally I would do by tracked changes in a Word file. It's just the way I work: I like to be complete, and don't like going past things (even typos) because I know how many end up in published works (Summing up comments are at the end.) (p1) - "The gifteds truck..." - I struggled with 'gifteds' because I feel it should be possessive; either gifted's or gifteds', but I don't know which. I guess I can sort of see a way that gifteds could world, but it's hard to interpret the meaning of this sentence. The issue with that is that it's the first sentence in the whole novel, and therefore critical for engaging the reader. The last thing it should be doing is causing confusion. So, I'd strongly recommend clarifying the meaning. (Don't worry, I won't go on like this over every single word! ) "The roof is positioned" - The sounds like the roof made a choice where to position itself, but it's MC and J that made the decision, they chose the roof, therefore they are the ones who positioned themselves. Alternatively, it could be read as the roof having been positioned by someone else specifically to afford this view for MC and J, which they did not. Either way, I think this phrasing gives a misleading impression, and therefore sounds 'off'. "A carries a weekly supply box in his hands" - I like the very economical style, the fact that there is very little description makes the description that is there much more effective. I also like the present tense, which adds immediacy. I like this style of writing. However, there are actually several instances of unnecessary or redundant words. Here for example, there is a default mode for carrying a box, which is with one's hands, so this part is redundant, IMO. (p2) - (End of page 2) So, I get that this is a very litigious society, but I don't understand why; I don't understand what a gifted is, how they are gifted, what are the consequences of a trial. In short, I don't understand what the stakes are, either personal or societal, and therefore it's hard to get invested. I feel like the characters , and the author, know things that I don't know. So, there's a barrier to me getting invested, a barrier between me and the story. (p3) - "My fists are clenched" - MC clenched their fist on page 2, so this becomes repetitive around here. Then, there is a fourth mention of clenched fists in less than a page. "essentially a deity" - Okay, but how? What does this mean? What can he do? I'm just being told this and asked to accept it, but I am not being shown it. It's much less engaging to be told something like this, than to be shown it, some evidence for it. And for the record, I'm not saying always show don't tell. There are goods reasons to tell readers things, at certain points, wrt certain things. "Disliking anyone is against the law" - WOW! That's quite the premise: intriguing. I'm interested to see how a society could operate sustainably on this basis. "There's curtains made of..." - MC hasn't shown that they're grammar isn't good, so "There's curtains" clangs in my ear > There are curtains. "outside the doorstep" - Isn't it outside the door, on the doorstep? How can something be outside the doorstep when the doorstep itself is outside? (p4) - "Apparently gifted’s grow food" - gifteds: this is not possessive. "concrete house lined street" - 'house-lined' "J and I walk into her house" - walking inside the house implies they have entered already. "end up with a splinter in the palm of my hand. I work on pulling it out" - MC is very unemotional here. No reaction, no pain. Maybe that's the intention, but it seems to contradict MC's reaction to the sister thing, and the state of society. "J hands me a glass, I take it with my left hand instead of my right since my right hand still has the stupid splinter in it" - I don't care. Why would I care what hand a character uses to hold a glass? I want to know about the world, and why it's the way it is: I want to know what makes a gifted and gifted, and I'm getting pretty frustrated with these trivial details. (p5) - Here in the first few lines on this page, I get some information, but it feels like it's hard-won. Also, MC is just repeating from a couple of pages ago the stuff about not wanting family to change. I know that already. Seems early for it to be repeated. "I open the door to my house and walk inside" - Really, you don't need to described every single movement a character makes, and every small action they take. It makes the reading hard work, IMO. (p6) - "Even if they do get reported it’s not a huge deal" - This kind of undermines the importance of being reported. I get that MC goes on to explain that her family are squeaky clean, but still it tends to make principle of being reported around unimportant. Not something that other people worry about. (p7) - "Then there's footsteps" - there are footsteps. "it’s not my mothers, not my dads" - Okay, there's a problem running through the whole piece with the absence of possessive apostrophes: mother's, dad's. (p8) - "He can have my chair, he’s my boyfriend so it’s only fair." - This sounds really fake to me, unconvincing as dialogue, but perhaps it's more because I have no idea why gifted are treated the way they are. And if they are indeed like gods, and have powers (e.g. mind reading), I'd like to see them working instead of just being told about them. "as they deliver the weekly food deliveries." - Repetition of deliveries sounds awkward, kinda clumsy. Easy enough to switch one for a different word. (p9) - "reading my thought's this entire time" - Seriously, and I mean this very straightforwardly and with kindness in the spirit of helping you improve your writing, you need to learn the use of apostrophes. Apostrophe with the letter 's' is usually possessive, or a contraction of the word is. When it is just a plural like this, there is no apostrophe. The phrase "to report me" is repeated closely at the end of the page; the phrase "mundane thoughts" also is repeated a bit before that, again quite closely. There's nothing wrong with this grammatically but, to me, it reads clunky. In my opinion, it reads a bit like the author couldn't think of a different way to say it. Phrasing things differently is part of style, but everything is stated so plainly in this piece that I think it tends sounds like a sketch of a chapter or a scene, without any stylistic technique applied to the sentences. I think style is a big part of what makes fiction entertaining (and non-fiction, for that matter). It can take a writer a long time to establish their style, and usually they do that by trying different stylistic approaches, different schemes of language. For dialogue, they might give one character one style of speaking, and another character a different one, to distinguish between characters, and therefore make them more entertaining, but also make them sound like the different people they are. I'm really not getting much of that here. But, the little brother was gross, as a youth might be, which was good, convincing. I think you could work that sort of thing more to get a greater effect and make the characters more interesting. (p10) - "will you marry me?" "Yes, I will." - Wow. I've said I like the directness (up to a point), but this is kind of painful to me. There no pause at all. No shock, surprise; no actual emotion from K at all, just "Yes, I will." That seems very unlikely, not believable, to me. Then there is the family reaction, and it sounds to me rather mechanical. I can't feel any emotion in the situation and the proposal that has just happened. It's almost like it's skipped over, rushed through to get to the next bit. I'll say again that it reads, in this part especially, kind of like a sketch for a chapter that you're going to come back to and flesh out the detail, the emotion, the nuance that makes the whole thing interesting, intriguing and entertaining. Repeating the same line three times: part of me wants to saying something about this, however <cough> it's the sort of stunt that I would pull, so I'll just keep quiet about it (p11) - "to freakin marry a gifted?" - need an apostrophe here to show the missing letter, so freakin'. It's the same as isn't, or don't; any of those contractions. End of the section - I like where we end up at the end of this scene: The thing about not being about to think freely, it's a powerful theme, I'm just not sure the scene delivers that theme powerfully enough, but more on that in my summation. (p12) - "I press my ear closer to the wall, K is talking now." - punctuation: I'm certain this should be a new sentence. There have been a few instances where I think commas should have been periods. I didn't reference them before, but I wanted to note it before the end. This one is trickier than the apostrophe thing, but when two parts of a sentence are dealing with a completely different notion, or action, I think a comma feels wrong. “Really you’re sure?” - punctuation: here, there is a pause between really and you're is there not? I can't see any other way to read it, but it's written as is it's to be read straight through without a pause. Do you ever read your work out loud? This is a valuable practice, and really brings out things like punctuation. "It’s some stupid law, if an ungifted marries and gifted the ungifted has to live with the gifted" - I don't understand: Why do they need a law for this? This is what people normally do when they get married. This seems a bit bizarre to me, that anyone would think this is unusual. Summation: For me, the premise and the main conflict, the MC being reported for being rude/angry is kind of simplistic, and the chapter gives off strong YA vibes to me. At first, I thought the style was very sparse and direct, which can be really effective, but as I read on it seemed to me that things like emotions and background really are only sketched in, and not explored or explained to the reader. The world feels very light to me, to the point of being insubstantial. Some things should be withheld from the reader, if they are part of the mystery, or a longer reveal about the nature of the world, but the reader needs to know enough to become engaged by the central ideas. I feel that too much is being withheld from the reader to be become engaged with the world. The central conflicts, about K leaving home and MC being reported; the first one confuses me, because that's what people in our society do when they get married, they go and live together (generally speaking) so for it to be a huge conflict in this world is confusing, and makes MC look childish and naive. The second one, there's no explanation of the reporting thing, and going to trial. What happens to a person? What's the risk? We don't know, and so (for me anyway) it was not engaging. Character personalities: I don't think they have much in the way of personalities. If they do, they are very standard and not very nuanced, complex. Where is the story going? I don't know, and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure I'm engaged enough with the character or the world that I would read on to find out, for the reasons above. In the end, I think there is a potentially very interesting idea here, about what it's like to live in a society where being rude/angry/obnoxious is outlawed, and anyone can report a person, but I think the first chapter has to establish the gifted effectively; who they are, how they come to be and what they can do. Also, yes, I think the characters could do with being more sophisticated, and I don't mean sophisticated like F. Scott Fitzgerald (for example), I just mean nuanced and conflicted like real people. I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, and I hope it is not too hard to hear: Don't be discouraged. I think you are onto something here with the ideas in this, but I think it needs more development. It makes me wonder if you've done anything like going through Brandon Sanderson's lecture series on Youtube, or listened through the Writing Excuses podcasts. There is a lot of good advise in these (and other) places that would help with developing this project, I think. Good luck with it, and thanks for sharing!

Okely-dokely, so I think I'm reading a slightly updated version of this chapter, having said which, I apologise for all the comments! LBL's sent by email. In summary, I like a lot about it, and an encounter with the queen at this point is a great way to establish the world and the stakes, but I do have some issues. (p1) - The opening feels disjointed to me. Where was Ae during the first half a page? I don't need to know at the start, but, at this point, something like "Ae caught up then passed them, taking the lead." (p3) - "stepped forward into the throne room" - Whoa! What? I know you said the rooms move around, but my first reaction was that this is terrible security to have the throne room right at the front door. I guess maybe I needed a reminder, or some sign that it just moved here. "depicted battles and parties and orgies, all centering the Queen" - Excellent! Nice detail. I love how it captures character in so few words. (p4) - repetition of "emerald green"; other shades of green are available "I managed to free (her) and redirect her here" - I'm confused by this, and I think maybe it's an element that did not come across from Chapter 1. I got no sense that the teen was supposed to end up somewhere else, and I didn't not detect Ar doing anything that prevented that. Also, I can't remember now what happened to the other kid. Did they go through to the unseelie place, or remain in the Mortal realm? (p5) - "Because they are violating the sacred laws that span the courts" - The queen must know this very well. This feels a bit clunky to me: classic maid-and-butler sort of stuff. "the oracles dreaming our realms [sic > realm's] destruction" - Eh? Where did this come from? I think this is new, or certainly I don't remember it. "search for the children and the thieves" - Hang on; one of the teens is here, I guess this answers my earlier question that the other teen from the incident I witnesses is somewhere else, but how do they know where are any more children? Maybe this is WRS on my part, but I'm not sure it's been established that there are (lots of) other children missing. "Every minor noble..." - Good stakes and cranking of the tension of the situation. "The contract I negotiated with the humans, to gain consent to bring them here..." - This doesn't really make sense to me. If the humans end up in the faerie, they are obliged to do what the fae tell them, surely? Why would Ae need their permission to bring them to the Queen? (p6) - "stalked back to her throne and sat" - I don't think there's anything about her getting up and walking away. "And what had Ar gotten themself into?" - I don't think this is the most compelling end to the chapter. Sure, it's pretty standard and common, and that's the problem. I think as writers, when we put down something on the page that is standard, we're obliged to try and chuck it away and come up with something new, more intriguing and more engaging.