Robinski

Hi Eagle, Thank you so much for reading. Really pleased to see you back on, and delighted to have your comments, which are very helpful. Ha-ha. That's interesting. There are several examples in existence. My touchpoint, other than the theme of the story, comes from here (VVVV). It's partly why I went with the Italian translation, but that also links back into the story, because I wrote the story over several mornings in my coffee haunt, Caffe Nero. Thus, the circle is closed P.S. I really like how it's a French story, and therefore is in another language again. Excellent point. That anti-caffeine thing I dropped in an the spur of the moment, for no particular reason other than I liked the line. As you say, it tends to cause a logic issue. I tried to paste over it by saying 'too much caffeine', but that's kind of lazy, so I will reevaluate this aspect. It don't think it's critical. Fair comment. I'll take a look at that in the edit. Excellent. That's great. I was totally pantsing this, other than the inciting notion, which was 'vampire barista'. Lol, yes, that's a darling that will be staying right where I put it As you say, a bit rough. It's a first draft hot off the press. I did a quick scan through for basic grammar, but otherwise it's warts and all, so your comments are super helpful. Thank you so much

Heh, so, here's a short story what I've wrotten. It may be a crime against humanity, or it may be just more of my foul-mouthed ramblings, but I'd really appreciate your comments on it. I put on S for sexual content because it felt wrong not to. D is for implied drug use. SV of for sexual violence although again, it's maybe more coercion, or something like that. BF is for bodily functions, and L is for choice language. Obviously, I'm hoping to sell it to the D1sney Channel. As ever, your forbearance and comments would be greatly appreciated. If you decide it's too much, please feel free to stop reading and castigate me soundly on this thread. <R> p.s. Background: This came about as a result of a discussion on the GSFWC forum, an unused (or unfinished) story by one of the other guys from a discussion in the pub. He hasn't seen it yet. I'm thinking it might be my first submission there, but then again, that might be a bad idea. Anyway, it comes from a two word prompt, which I will share with you later. I started it on 2nd May, and I expect that shows!! Thanks again

The form has options to exclude certain dates (as you will know), so you don't get out of it that easily

This is not a laughing matter... Be careful what you wish for

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Let's go... Page 1 - "M levered himself down..." - I think he would lever himself up, but lower himself down. Page 3 - I like the little notes about Man's age, although I don't like to think about him potentially not being around for the third in the trilogy. (Any chance there might ever be another Society style spin-off short/novella/novelette?) - "It was one of several hundred items..." - I can't get the meaning of this whole sentence. Feels like there's a word missing, or phrasing is unclear. Page 4 - "G frowned down at the contraption that moved her around" - You have G as female here, but male on Page 2, by the night tale comment. - "we could build a defense against the D easily" - Really? I'd be cautious about saying there's any kind of easy solution. We want to think things are hard, possibly hopeless, and it will take every effort that they can muster, not just find a gee-gaw and everything will be simple. - "Best not to scrap the new Society before it even started" - I think something needs to be started before it can be scrapped, so this doesn't scan for me, logically. Page 5 - "you must know that the more aspects of the S" - Awkward phrasing. 'the more' sounds weird to me. - Recounting of the encounter is awkward. - "Perhaps not so imaginatively" - not keen on this word. Sounds to me like he means 'fancifully'? Page 6 - "was laying it on a bit thick" - I like this sentence, his acknowledgement of acting up out of necessity to make an impression. Good character moment. - "and from more esoteric places" - sources? - "Now you’re asking the right questions" - I think 'question' singular would have more impact here. - "On a piece of paper, he wrote down the name of an intersection" - He can't right down the actual interchange. Also, wrote it where? Paper? Blackboard? Page 7 - "mansion was, before it was demolished" - The second clause here is a bit tell-y for me, compared to 'where the old mansion used to stand'. Still implies it's gone, but not why/how, I accept. - "the rest of the group could hear as well" - redundant. - "made him male today" - Wow, cool and very alien. - "The old house was similar to the last few times he was here" - grammar / tense. I would restructure, maybe 'The old house looked exactly as it had on his last time here.' - When M paid him a surprise visit - suggested to directness / clarity, etc. - "least change possible to the original materials" - imo. - "planks of fallen wood" - So, the planks fell of something, or were cut from fallen trees? - "from the last time" - There's an awful lot of this time, last time, all the times, etc. on this one page. - Grammar / phrasing around the dust and the floorboards. Page 8 - "He no longer had any to waste" - This is more powerful than 'many', imo. - "that couple was too holier-than-thou" - So, a little holier-than-thou is okay? Struck my ear as odd, this. - "There were few not a lot of large stones..." - super wordy. - "generated a surprising amount of compacted earth" - We've been told this in the epigraph. This feels like repetition. - Pieces of what? Confused. - "They did," - Society is singular, therefore 'It did,'. Page 9 - I'm confused. Did they go down into the tunnels? Have I skipped over a paragraph? Ah, checking back I see there is a skip to 'Down below," such a slight reference I glossed over the action/movement of the group. - "very specific, and traceable, fuel" - Huh? - "M privately agreed" - I've long since given up on trying to defend against splitting the infinitive. I sometimes even do it myself, but even so often one smacks me in the face as sounding so awkward I need to wave a flag. I feel that 'Privately, M agree...', or 'M agreed, privately, ...' would both read way smoother than the split infinitive version. I guess it's because there are only three words in the whole sentence. - "It had evidently transformed, or revealed its real purpose" - Sorry, I know I'm going full LBL on a first draft (first, right?), but I feel that this would be more impactful if he considered the LC 'had been transformed', i.e. by a malignant influence. Also, 'revealed its real' strikes me as awkward, compared to 'revealed its true purpose', which allows my to concentrate on the statement without the alteration. - "and if he had not been working to keep F from her latest power play" - I don't think you can keep someone from their power play. I think you would defeat a power play, or similar to defeat. Thwart, something like that. Overall Yes, loved this section. I think it could be punched up in terms of the impact of Man's reveals, and seeing a bit more shock and awe, especially among the youngsters, but this is a great interlude and I love seeing M getting the band back together. Great fun. Thank you! <R>

Straight in then. Page 1 - "likely as aspect" - 'an' aspect? - "if it continued through the wall" - I thought it did. - "shorter that a L" - than. - "or had on a flaring dress" - wore? Page 2 - "How ever could I have forgotten" - however. - "It looked younger than usual" - ?!?! - "of the next facet of the N" - this is possibly the most momentous reveal I can remember in your stories, other than the existence of the world and the races themselves, and yet I'm not feeling the impact of it from the assembled people. The questions are incredible. Are there a group of completely different races in that facet? How many facets are there? Do they have the symphony or something else? Maybe they have a different symphony. How do we call them (assuming they called us)? If they didn't who made the call, who decided it was time for a pow-wow? I could go on. My point is I'm feeling a bit cheated that there are people falling to their knees, wailing, gnashing of teeth, etc. etc. Page 3 - I like the description of this new creature/race, but it's not entirely clear to me. I get the gist, but some of the phrasing confuses the picture I'm trying to form. "The arms were opened to each side" - Not sure what this means / looks like. - "no, xyr" - Good, I like this. Page 4 - "in four district sections" - distinct. - "Like when talking with" - Arggl. 'As when talking...", I think. - "between a mortarboard and a habit" - In my understanding, the habit is the robe. Do you mean like a nun's headgear? I think that's a wimple, isn't it? - "facet of the N" - Okay, the title of the book has impact now, but I think most people on picking it up would think it mean facet as in characteristics of the N, which is why I thought the title of the novel sounded like a guide book. Page 5 - "in this crowd" - I wouldn't class what ten(?) people as a crowd, maybe group? Page 7 - "as in real life" - bit simplistic. How about 'reality'? - "unchangeable from the rest" - this doesn't make grammatical sense to me. Page 8 - "with a little difference in the key" - slight? - "the replicated with the beat" - they? - "the stone shifted materials" - this sounds underwhelming to me. I feel like we need the word 'transformed' here. Page 9 - "this occurrence in the V" - the what now? - "I have found my new apprentice" - YES!! Massive payoff line right there. That's a 'BOOOOM' moment. Love it. Page 10 - "Or rather, two houses" - Huh? Confused here. To me, this implies TWO new houses, but I think maybe they mean that S is a two house maj? Unclear. But I would have thought being a two house maj is not so unusual, or worthy of remark in this way. Page 11 - "They cannot. You must come with me" - very compelling reason to go. This is strong plot. I like it. - "Multiple thought" - typo. - "none of you do" - 'does', part of the S being singular. - "yet this one do not speak" - does, again, this one = singular. - "I promise I'll come back" - after moaning about it for months, S's sudden readiness to go does not wholly convince me. Seems a bit too easy compared to some of his terrified cowering about going outside. Page 12 - "Those ain't the same house" - Yeah, bit confused here. Did I read that S had silver and gold? I think I did, he thought it, didn't he? But we did not see evidence of it just now, right? - "help him through what he was going through" - Awkward phrasing, sounds clumsy. - "had experience with the mountain pressing on his back" - don't know what this means. Page 13 - "I think I would like to come" - 'go', surely? - "taking In if necessary" - I don't really believe this. The guy has just been through trauma. It's selfish of S to expect him to go. Doesn't show much empathy for what his friend has been through, it seems to me. Also, I can't see how they even can contemplate it when In doesn't have the ability. I feel a magic bubble coming on (hmph). - "If it is to be helping you" - Where's Car gone all of a sudden? Are they just going to roll over and accept this after sounding so angry? Page 14 - Great point to end on. through the Net glass, if you will. Overall Very effective chapter with lots of reveal, discovery and not a little wonder. Well done. The only thing that really bothered my was disbelief at In going too. I feel the hand of the author strongly in that. S was not at all crippled by the though of going with the newcomer. He doesn't show any compelling need for In to go. That's good, I liked his agency, but it seems to come quite easily after all this time. I don't mind that overly, it's the pretext for taking In that I think is really flimsy, and not convincing. <R>

I'll borrow some spoons from the cafeteria.

That's what my heart tells me. My head tells me I should take a break. I'm thinking on it.

I am absolutely chuffed to bits to say that I have just finished the first complete draft of the second Q & M novel (finally!). At 125,000 words it's a rather eye-watering ~40% longer than the first book (at 89,000 words). This was not the plan!! I rather hope I can get back to about 110,000 in the edit. Still, #feelingsatisfied

Yeah, it's in their Prijsköla range. Doesn't come with an Allen key though, in case the prisoners disassemble it from the inside... obviously.

I also would like to submit on Monday, 6th May, please. It's a short you've seen before, but I'd like to work something up some more to submit to GSFWC, and I want to work it fairly hard so it's as good as I can make in order not to get mauled too badly!! (I hope.)

Yes, this is a much clearer way to express what I was feeling about the m/c. Yes, I think the wife should be a stronger character. It would make the story longer, but a scene or two with her challenging his obsession would be good, and set up bigger stakes, like he could lose her by her walking out on him (with reasonable justification). Agreed. Ah, I didn't pick that out. That could really be interesting! Honestly, I don't think that would work (for me). I think I would not be convinced that a mother would risk the life of her second child in an obsessive pursuit of the past. It's a very interesting story, and I think it deserves an edit/rework which I'm sure would address some of the problems that we're finding. I took liked the pacing, and the overall arc that brought the guy to a place of humility, which is where he deserved to be at the end. I would like maybe another line or two at the end (or in the middle somewhere), where he recognises that he was a rust for considering leaving her. That remains hugely off-tone for me, even for a narcissistic obsessive. <R>

Hi @molah , really pleased that you're back. Apologies for the delay in my critique. Title - Not massively enthused by the title. It's rather bland. I critiqued (in person!!) a story at the Glasgow SF Writers' Circle (so, so awesome... the circle, not the story...) the title of which was 'Fusion'. I mean, meh. I think a more memorable title goes a long way to getting the reader hyped up more for the story. I'm looking at my shelves and I'm seeing The Immortal Throne; Golden Witchbreed; Swords Against Wizardry; The Fracas Factor; Tomorrow Might be Different. Okay, these are novels, but I think shorts deserve evocative titles too. Page 1 - I like the name Amb. That engages me at the start. So does the first line, which creates instant tension. - Hmm. I'm trouble by the vibe here. The implication that she's using pregnancy to keep the man, and as a way to hold their relationship together, for one thing, it's doomed to failure. For another, it's cliche and an unwelcome one at that. It makes the story feel like a through back to a less enlightened time. - "I can only think it's a death sentence" - Err, what now? This is taking me somewhere I'm not sure I want to go. Page 2 - Oh, is her name Amb? That's a bit odd. It sounds like a surname. I'm thinking now of her as Amber-lea (Christian name), but spelled like a surname. - "mourning what we lost and afraid of what is to come" - In the sense of have lost or had lost? The grammar confuses the meaning for me. Also, at this point in a 4000 word story, I need to understand better what is going on. I want a clearer indication at this point of what king of story I'm reading. - "I wonder what she'd be like" - I think this means 'what she would have been like'? The grammar again is confusing the message for me. - At this point I'm just not convinced about how her sudden pregnancy has apparently (superficially) healed their relationship. Why was he going to leave? Because they lost a child? Because should could not get pregnant? Those are the only clues I've got to go on, but I don't really know what emotion drove him to (almost) leave, and I don't know what it is he might be suppressing. Page 3 - "History didn't repeat itself" - So, N died in childbirth? I wish I was clearer on that, unless it's part of the mystery of the story. - "I'm going to make it right" - Confused, both in terms of what's happening, and what has happened, but also a bit by the emotional tone, the emotional choices of the m/c. He picks the moment of the actual birth to come out with this? Also, I thought him placing the child on the mother's chest "so she can bond with her mother" - Sounded like him allowing it, which is distasteful in a paternalistic way. - "make true on my promise" - 'make good', I would say. - Okay: time machine. I love a time story, so this will be interesting. I'm not convinced about waiting this late to reveal it though. If you revealed it up front, on the first page, it would add tension to what follows. They could argue about whether he should go back (assuming she knows what he's doing). - I like the anchor idea. It's a convincing term, and there's no real need for you to explain it. Also, I like how you use the child's development stage(s) to show time passing in the story. That's clever: it's a very neat form of shorthand, as most people know (or have an idea) how long those things take. Page 4 - "my girls needed me" - See, I'm trying to reconcile this emotion with him ready to leave his wife before. For me, it's not consistent. - "It's now frozen in time and we can always come back to it" - I'm fine with this high concept stuff in relation to time. There's some real tension in this moment. I like that. Page 5 - "her face confused" - I would argue that her face is not confused. Her features convey the confusion that she is feeling. For her features to be confused, in my assessment, her nose would be where one of her eyes was, her mouth where her nose is, etc. Think Picasso. - "I found a way to change the past without affecting the future" - I like this spin on the time travel trope. This so often is the fly in the ointment, and I like how you've tackled that in this story. I'm interested in where this goes, because those words are just portentous as all heck, and begging for him to be proved wrong!! Page 6 - Okay, confused. So, in the world of the guy who gets out of bed, is N alive? That is what's implied by the traveller, who effectively says that something happens to her. If I'm right about this, I think you need to clearly show the reader that N is alive in this scenario, so that we know we're in a different time from the POV at the start of the story. - "should not have been stillborn" - But how can they control that? I'm not aware that there's any way to influence that, is there? To prevent it, even if he can go back to that moment before? Who will believe him if he says to the doctors, my daughter will be stillborn, and what can they do about it anyway? Page 7 - "If my predictions are correct..." - Lol. - "A family without missing pieces" - missing piece (singular) surely? - "Sorry, but I got more work waiting for me" - I've got... Page 8 - "Amb black silhouette" - Amb's - "She's gone!" - When you set up the anchor thing, I really was hoping that this was going to be about more than just 'man goes back in time to change things for good, and ends up changing them for bad, or (unknowingly) causing the original problem that he went back to fix'. Page 10 - "Going to the future and getting N back" - Eh? But if she's dead in this setting, he can only get her back by going backwards, surely? - "I knew exactly when he visited to kidnap N" - Okay, just all over the place now. I can't keep track of this. It seems like now we're working with a scenario where he had gone back to before N's birth and prevented her from dying, but then another future self from the old timeline (in which she does not survive), has come back to kidnap her from the new timeline in which she does? I'm getting frustrated because I'm trying to work out what's going on, but it's like there are too many possibilities. So, my alternative is to try and sit back, not calculate what's happening and take satisfaction from the swirling confusion alone. I'm not good at that. Page 11 - "when the second anchor fails" - Act, this is a bit frustrating. Just breaks? I hope there's a good reason for this, and it's not just a random event. Page 12 - "my breath stocks" - stops? - "when the results come back I go still" - this bothers me. It's out of POV, I think, and it's underwhelming. I want it to be 'I freeze'., or something like that. Page 13 - "sustain the anchors had has increased over time" - I think present is more tense and urgent. Similarly "The more time had that has passed" - I actually don't believe that Amb will be ruined without him at all. It sounds like he's been the source of all the stress in her life since L was born. His thought process here is quite conceited. She can't survive without me? From what I've seen of her in the background, I think there's every chance she'll be fine. Page 14 - "I should have a small window of opportunity to act" - On the last page of the story, considering that it's a race against time, I don't want to be trying to guess or work out what he's doing. I want to know what it is he's going to attempt. Withholding stuff at this late stage does not seem fair to me. Overall On one level, I like where the story ends up, that it's all been for nothing. It seems to me though that it was a no brainer from the start. On the other level, the m/c's hubris perhaps deserves some punishment, but then in a sense he's already been punished by the death of N. He got his punishment in advance, which is sort of poetic. Some of the gender notes are to very contemporary. I think that might mean it would be difficult to sell the story in today's market. Does that make it a bad story? Not necessarily. I'm glad you shared it, and there is messages there that I think is are good ones. (Be thankful for what you have. Don't try and build a time machine, or if you do, don't use it.) I'm interested to read what the others make of this. <R>

Sorry I'm tardy. Chapter 10 - (pg.1) - "Now, we have an eyewitness account of over twenty thousand people" - missing word. - (pg.1) - "had turned from walking to become a sort of bouncing skip" - kind of wordy. - (pg.1) - "She could do better" - suggest 'would', more positive. Also, Gloom Prison, because it's part of the title. - (pg.2) - "but there was no other place to go" - don't see how this flows from the first part of the sentence. - (pg.2) - "to walk one by one" - sounds odd to me, not 'side by side'? - (pg.3) - "she ran in to" - into. - (pg.3) - "until she began walking behind D" - suggest 'after', as D has already started walking. - (pg.3) - "not nearly as free as she assumed" - confused; why would she assume she was any kind of free? - (pg.3) - "What did I get myself into?" - I really don't think sh'e that naive. Her reaction is not coming over well for me. - (pg.4) - "scrapes against the palm of her hand" - on, I think. - (pg.4) - "An aura of colors swirled around it" - the manacles are plural so there's a disagreement here. - (pg.5) - "the smooth surface around her neck" - this sounds like a flat thing, but isn't it a kind of torc, so like a ring or band. - (pg.5) - "The manacles and collar constrained her every move" - really, how so? Surely she can still walk, turn her head, etc? - (pg.5) - "was allowed to get her bearings" - really? But her captor is a maj, a knows that learning a place allows for portals, this seems a bit reckless - (pg.6) - "neither her collar or nor her manacles" - (pg.6) - "She longed to stretch her arms, but that was impossible" - right, I've missed something, the manacles are chained to the collar on a short leash? - (pg.6) - "reddened skin on her neck" - suggest 'around', just to emphasise / complete the image. - (pg.6) - "She'd quit banging on the door" - suggest 'given up', as 'quit' didn't convey the full strength of her despair. I thought 'quit' sounded casual. - (pg.7) - "we are the ideal choice to handle the remnant" - This is a bit, meh, to me. Chance to use a more powerful word. - (pg.8) - "the shock of each landing" - this puzzles me. If the 'G' is low, why is there a shock on landing, wouldn't it be more forgiving? - (pg.8) - "I see you have found where" - well of course he sees it; he brought her here. Odd phrasing. - (pg.8) - "still alive from the war?" - she's seen one of them already, surely. - (pg.11) - "Have to gather more information" - this for me is rather cheesy, skipping the pronoun. I feel it's more associated with do-or-die situations anyway, although I'm not fond of it there either, like "Must stop bomb before it explodes. No time. Have to reach button!!" Overall, I was not greatly enamoured of this chapter. N follows a lot of well-used rules of arch villainy. I imagine they have a curly moustache that they twiddle occasionally. Also, a lot of the prisoner stuff (chains, bed of stone, no food) I thought was par for the course, like the LC have bought a prison / lair from IKEA. I had no sense of wonder, or horror or even much in the way of discomfort. Personally, I think this one could do with some work, or, cut down and combined with something else. <R>

I guess I could wear my kilt. My wife probably would throttle me though, the paraphernalia vs. my luggage allowance.

Got to admit I had not thought that far ahead. There's a dress code then? But I guess it's those and such as those in the main room? I must pay more attention!

Excellent Yes, if they don't put out panel on it will be a bit of an anticlimax, but I'm sure we'll find something to talk about!!

Without directing in huge detail (or rereading again, no time just now, sorry!), My first impression was that the POV was the son, and the thoughts also were the son (because they were of the father. Then, there's the line about the POV becoming the demon, but does he also become the father at that point? That's my thought. How? Who knows? Handwavium, most likely. After the change, the son is in the demon's shoes, but his place is taken by the father, it seems. So, the crux, the unknown question in my mind is how did the change take place? I don't see any kind answer to that, but I'm happy to take away that mild feeling of disconnect, because there is resolution of a sort at the end. (Well, you did ask...)

Flash, aaah, aaah. Interesting... - "The light spilling from the cleft in my back are the kind of memories" - Grammar problem, needs rephrasing. - The last paragraph: the phrasing is over-elaborate, I think, and it doesn't flow well. Overall, this is really interesting, and I enjoyed it. I think I would need to read it again, once or twice, to get a better sense of who is in which role when, but it hangs together nicely, I think. I don't blame the story for me maybe not picking up everything I should on the first read. Nicely done. I'm really pleased to see this flood of different material from you. Finishing things and editing things and everything!! Awesome. <R>

Hey @kais, tracked comments emailed. I enjoyed this version of the story more. I like that you've scaled by the dragon thing, much more palatable now, and introduced the romantic element, which was lightly hinted at before (maybe?, or maybe I just inferred it). Anyway, that multiplied the satisfaction for me. One of two logistical questions still, but not nearly so

I've written many song lyrics in my years in bands (and wanting to be). I'd be happy to, but it is a bit off topic, I suppose. We did have a couple of poems once, and, as it turns out poetry seems to be more commonplace on the GSFWC, I am finding. There some chat about submitting poetry to periodicals that are accepting SFF-centred stuff.

I'm not attached this, but to me 'Yeh' sounds different to 'Yeah', and for some reason it felt more true to the character to write it that way. I'd be curious to know if anyone else thought this was a misspelling, or if it felt odd. I can respect that