Robinski

Ah, right. That was too subtle for me!! #wordmachine

I'm sure there was a line of M's about mama's name being on the wall behind the bar (or some such) as a hero who had been fighting at the front, or maybe I misunderstood that reference.

I'm getting there; I'm getting there. I got back from WorldCon yesterday. There's a good chance I'll get to it today.

Comments!! (page 1) - "Riding to the mill..." - in D's dialogue, there are two instances of non-contractions and they sounds very formal for the youngster voice. I think contraction keep us in-voice. (page 2) - "This time, I thought..." - I almost didn't catch that D has adjusted the saddle between this line and the previous one. I think you need to tag that, esp for younger readers. - You've got a 5-line, 92-word sentence there starting "Usually, basements..." It's too long, imo. (page 3) - "after glancing at D’s bike for a little too long" - this encounter felt off to me. He basically never even looked or interacted with the kids at all. At least the weight of his gaze on them, making eye contact, would have been something. It just seemed unlikely that he didn't ask them a question, and there was no emotion or mood conveyed from a description of his expression. - "Many of the times..." - I don't understand what point this sentence is aimed at making. - "What if someone else is supposed to be working today?" - Confused, wouldn't E, or certainly D, know if MxR had any other staff? Also, if they did, it seems awfully coincidental that the other staff member was late coming in. (page 5) - "I think something was here" - I forgot they were going to D's mom's house first. - "up a set of stairs" - going where? Into the house? - "written in teacups and toys" - I don't quite follow. Are they on the floor, or on the table? What about fridge magnets, that would be kinda creepy? (page 6) - "that was far away" - Good, I need it acknowledge if you're sticking with those distances. And with less talk of coming back in the same day. - I enjoyed that cute / tender moment between E and D. I thought that was well done, and retained voice pretty well in what could have been a challenging situation (writing-wise). (page 7) - "That wasn’t there yesterday" - Ooh, spooky line, but it's almost falling a little flat because I've got no description of the tone of her voice. (page 8) - I like the inner monologue in relation to the effect of the clothes and the feelings E has about their body. I wonder though about the phrasing of "They don’t make you less non-binary". This feels like a double negative (probably because grammatically, it is!). Would it work as 'They don't make you more binary.' It seems to me that phrasing still has the same connotations that this is a negative, because of the personal thoughts that E was having before, but the phrasing is much cleaner and more elegant, I think. but only if it means the same thing. (page 9) - "we both kept our eye on the doll" - I feel like the creepiness of the doll is underplayed here. (page 10) - "a toy clown sprung to its feet" - I'm not clear here if it's possessed or not. I'm not sure what's going on. (page 11) - Yeah, okay, decent ending. I feel like the emotional tone was a rather variable, like they weren't as frightened of some things as they should be. Overall Decent chapter. I thought there was good character stuff going on, but that the tension and the scares were not handled as well as they should be. The clown doll(?) didn't seem scary at all, and I thought there was a lack of tension when they went into JJ at first. Really just tension across the board could be better, but some of the personal notes were really good, I thought. Thanks for sharing. <R>

Thanks for that, Aeromancer. I shall aim to watch it over the weekend. Comments to follow!

Comments. (page 1) - It's WRS really, but when I see misery on the page, it takes me a moment to remember that the name of the overarching evil, and not just regular, everyday misery. I'm sure it's a WRS thing, and would not cause me too much issue reading the whole story. - The epigraph is a little confused, I think. Not sure I believe the line about coincidence. So, if Z was on her way to see someone in the pueblo, and happened to meet them in the street, that's the work of misery? I just don't think the logic scans. Also, the banquet line: it's the grammar. In this form, it reads to me like the banquet is feeding on indecision in the same way that misery does. - I'm still not invested in the T of Age. I think from comments previously I'm supposed to see it sand ending. Do people actually die? What happens? If it was communicated earlier, I can't remember. Does it happen at a specific age or is it different for everybody? - "commendation board" - Bit confused, so did M know that Z's mom was at the front the whole time she was disappeared? (page 2) - "your bedside manner" - this jibe didn't really land for me. I didn't think M's manner was particularly harsh. - "You douse that line a lot" - Which line? 'I'm not a kid?' Not completely clear, I don't think. (page 3) - Searching it out, it's page 5 before you mention mom's leg. I'd like a mention of that on page 1, so I remember how she was injured when all the bandaging is going on. - I was enjoying the dynamic with the three youngsters, but that has changed now with the adult on board. I'm not enjoying it so much as the kids acting independently and cooperating with each other. What I'm hoping is that mom goes out of the picture again fairly soon (for whatever reason). It's more engaging to see the kids acting for themselves, making their own decisions. (page 4) - "That was good timing" - Yes, very convenient. I'm not all that keen on it, as it gives an easy out from a fairly tense situation. (page 5) - "popped it up and slid over the rim" - how are they opening the manhole? Man holes don't usually have handholds. - "that’s not sketchy" - This seems little different from the shelter in which the egg was hidden, so this line seems a bit rich. (page 6) - "disappeared into shadow" - Hmm, is it shadow, or is it darkness? On the basis that there is nothing between their lights and the darkness, I don't think it can be shadow. - "it’s the train passing beneath us" - I can just about suspend my disbelief here. (page 8) - "I’d never leave you or your father" - something doesn't add up here. She can't have been watching them and fighting and the front, or walking to R City and back at the same time. On a basic level this is patently untrue. - "Mama hadn’t really been gone" - I struggling buying into this whole thing, because I don't understand why mama had to go away in the first place. I can't recall anything previous and don't see anything here that tells me that. If it was told before, I don't remember it at this point. (page 9) - "But why?" - Lols. - Hang on... So this is a flashback? I think you have to format that differently, but the problem is it's not in POV either. - No. I don't know what I'm reading here. It doesn't fit into the narrative. Why can't you just have it as an account told by mama? I think that would be more powerful anyway, than this strange, inserted out-of-POV flashback. (page 11) - It's happening again. I'm getting frustrated but this. There's non need for it. (page 12) - "take you away from us if they ever found out" - why would they take Z away if her mother's having visions? Surely, they would take her mother away? Doesn't seem to make sense. - "I wrote every single day" - So, was Z receiving seven letters every day? No, there were seven days of writing before mama sent the letter. Okay. (page 13) - 'It’s pretty obvious that it’s all connected" - Is it, is it obvious? Maybe just my WRS. I can see connections, but obvious? I'm mulling. (page 16) - "of course you can go" - I skipped through the argument, and I've read through the whole piece quickly. I continue to enjoy the economy of your prose. There have been some personal notes in the argument that did make me pause, however. Mama seems to give in very easily, for one. (page 17) - Whoa? That was shaping up to be a nice cozy ending, and you throw the train in. It does create instant tension, but I think it's misplaced. Your last page creates a restful tone of reconciliation (of a sort), and comfort, of a new beginning for Z and for a well earned chance to rest. Actually, I think you've made a promise to the reader that that is how the chapter is ending and by throwing in the train, at what feels like random, you've then broken that promise. Consider the alternative of opening the next chapter with them being woken up by the train: that way there is instant tension at the start of the next chapter. I think that will serve you way better than this cliffhanger, which annoyed me, and which I think is unnecessary. Overall I'm glad that, as I hoped, mama is going to be removed from the picture after only one chapter: that's good. You have a nice dynamic going between the three youngsters, and you've delivered a decent chapter of examination of past events without wrecking the dynamic. In fact, I like how you strengthened it by having Z stand with her friends instead of just rolling over and accepting mama's will. I do think that mama give in too soon to the three going on ahead, and to what their plan is. I think the argument would benefit from being better tuned on a emotional level through an edit or three. My biggest problem in this chapter was the flashback thing. That did not work at all for me. It's very messy, difficult to read, and also unnecessary. I think you can cut a lot of that material, which adds very little, and bring it into a straight account from mama of what happened to her mother. I think that would be way more effective, and would allow you to show mama's emotions, since there seems to be little benefit in showing the grandmother's. I'm still on board. Thanks for sharing. <R>

I'd like a spot on Monday if there is one going, please.

I dunno, it's maybe only misleading if you mention it several times, otherwise, it can just be a thing that's there (once), then you can come back and use it for something else. Whereas if you mention vamps, 3 / 4 times or more, you're really promising that's what's going on here, I think. It's not even really the physical effort, it's the time it takes. If they have to cycle for 1, 2 or 3 hours to get between points in the story, it's just going to slow things waaaay down. Think about Stranger Things: the kids cycle around from A to B quite a lot, certainly in S1 and S2, not so much in S3. Now, on TV, they can just skip along through time, cutting to other POVs of which there are probably 3 or 4 running in any episode, but I feel like that's much harder on the page with one POV. It also seems strange to me that the mill is so far away from the town it relates to (I think?). If the distance doesn't play a role in the story, I would make it a half-hour cycle, or maybe an hour, but no more, which would make it manageable, and allow people to get from the parts of the story in a reasonable time for lots purposes, I think. Maybe? I dunno, I don't know how the story plays out of course. It's a pleasure. I'm enjoying it

I'm really looking forward to this because (1) world; (2) cyberpunk; (3) Mandamon writes cyberpunk; (4) first non-D'verse fiction from Mandamon in a loooooong time (that's not a complaint, but it's just nice to have a wee change now and again. (page 1) - Do the gills have to be custom? Sounds a bit cheesy, like trying to hard to stress they are special tech. - The name of the asteroid: is that canon or is that yours? It strikes me that complicated alphanumeric designations are also a bit trope-verging-towards cliché. - "hold his breath in vacuum for twenty minutes either" - Sorry, we're going LBL: I think 'hold his breath for twenty minutes in vacuum' is more punchy, following as it does the 'crunchy bit at the end of the sentence/paragraph' advice. - Is the reason he's not supposed to be here because (a) he's not supposed to be able to get here physically, because of the vacuum; or (b) because it's a secure facility (or whatever) and he doesn't have clearance? Unclear for me. - The Al term is a brain buster. I spent several seconds pronouncing that until I got it straight, but suspect it will have slipped away by the time it appears next. - Is Mag the syndicate? - subscriber base? - "Would have been. He was on the outside of the asteroid." - Confused, doesn't flow for me grammatically or parse with the previous paragraph. I've forgotten what he would have been, too far back. - I don't see that it follows he's the first to volunteer because he's top of the rankings, I mean it's not automatic, it's down to his feelings at the time. he might just as easily have not been the first, because he's fed up and can't sustain the pace he's set. So, it's 'meant' that's troubling me. - Okay, I think I followed the logic of the rest of page one about data lines, etc., I'm not sure it's the smoothest. I'm sure it can be tidied up. (page 2) - Confused. He's working against Mag, isn't he? And yet his crew is on Mag's station. I guess they're covert then, or I've picked things up wrong. - "Then again, Najima wouldn’t have sent him, either." - For me this reads like they wouldn't have sent him because he was able to smuggle a suit onto the asteroid. Actually, that sounds quite difficult. So, is the asteroid the Mag complex? - The gills confuse me, because real gills still process oxygen and CO2 but surely there is not of that in play here, if he's in vacuum. - "like the military squad" - This would have been cheesy as all get out, imo, if you have not plumbed in the negative at the end. Good job: that made it nice a quippy. - "Y opened the storage port on his left forearm" - I'm not feeling that he's out in space. What about gravity / weightlessness / manoeuvring / tethering / etc? - "without M’s notice" - clunky phrasing. Something about detection would be more cyber-y. - "upgrade the network to the newest cycle speeds at the same time" - Ah, but (1) surely Mag would notice that elicit material was being broadcast; (2) would Mag not notice that the cycle speeds were higher than theirs, through some kind of signal check software, or increase power consumption, or such? (page 3) - "upgrade their plans" - Upgrade who? The customers? But surely they have accounts with Mag: they'd need to take out new account with N. Would the cusotmer not question that, like, having two Direct Debits (US equivalent) set up? If Mag haven't detected the switch, they're going to keep taking the customer's money, OR, the customer's going to cancel they're monthly payment Mag and that will get Mag's attention pretty quick, I would have thought. - Confused, who are tN? Are they Mag? I need to go back and check, I don't want to have to do that. Oh, wait, that was N/Sp, so tN is something else again? Another rival? Brain hurts. - "pass through the residential areas" - Not clear what this means. Could be clearer. In the sense of pass through recruit new customers? - "size of a hair follicle" - How can he manage that manually? I don't believe that: no way he can grab that out the vacuum in his hand, even ungloved. Oh, and you mentioned freezing before; how the heck is he not paralysed with cold, frozen solid by now? I doubt the ability of the human eye to see something that small in normal conditions, let alone in vacuum with what is probably some harsh or uneven lighting. It seems to me that presently, when humans are handling very small things (not using microscopes or assisted vision), the small thing is mounted on a larger thing, and applicator or protective mount that enable said human to handle the thing in a manageable way, up to the point of its application. Yeah, I've got big problems with the follicle chip as I read on. (page 4) - modified glasses - surely they have to form a seal around the eye to protect it from the effects of the vacuum. If that's the case, at what point do they become goggles? If that's not the case, then how do they protect the eye? - "By that point it was too late" - I don't understand how this line follows. The point is the system won't work without the errant chip, so it will never get to 'that point'. Confused by the phrasing, surely, or, it's already at that point (the chip being missing). - s/Hair - I don't know what that is. I can guess some of the other in-world abbreviations and conflations, but I don't get this one. - "tastefully colored smoke" - I don't understand what this is. Smoke? Does this mean breath? Water vapour? - This guy's wearing goggles, in relation to my earlier comment about glasses. - "Nano/sl" - This curse sounds a bit juvenile to me. (page 5) - "a new suite" - does this mean 'suit'? Context sounds like it. - I should chip in (see what I did there? ) at this point that--aside from all the detailed stuff--I'm feeling the tension. I like the pacing and being thrown straight into the story. It's not flowing yet for me because of the issues, but I'm sure it will do in due course. Character-wise, there isn't a great deal to go on, but the voice is reasonably engaging. He seems loyal to his employer and his team, he's trying to get the job done, which is admirable. Underneath that, it's not clear at all that the goal itself is admirable, as it seems to be a purely commercial deal, and tantamount to industrial espionage, so criminal, but I'm not really thinking about that. - "thrusters" - Yeah, I mentioned this earlier. What I feel is missing is blocking and a sense of the setting/environment. This is taking place outside a space habitat? I feel like there is all sorts of sensory input that I'm missing, which would really expanded the scene and put bring it to life. The vastness of black space, the curve of a planet, the sense of the potential to draft away if one is not careful. I'm thinking of the film Gravity or Episode 11 (S1) of Love, Death & Robots (Helping Hand) which (albeit visually) put the viewer in that orbital environment. I think that's the challenge (and the potentially the comparison) for this piece. Not easy, but dropping in some details could really enlivens the atmosphere. - The H/man is not moving very quickly. The pacing of this situation seems a bit ponderous and our hero has time to think about what's going on. Why is the h/m striking a pose? Surely he's going to attack and subdue our protagonist: would he not do that much more quickly? - "One more step to the left" - I was confused at first what this was. I guess it's the h/m's feed? So, someone viewing through the other company's cloud of nanos is manoeuvring this avatar of an actual human in a room somewhere? (page 6) - "could possibly reach him" - This bit seems counterintuitive. If he's out of range, than he can't be reached. - "his own thrusters" - It seems naive of Y that this is a surprise. - "denouement of the episode" - Huh? What is going on? Confused. So, from Mag's perspective, this is live reality TV, and from Nat's it's industrial espionage? It's not that I can't deal with that, if that's what's occurring, I just am not getting it, yet. - "flipped about his axis" - which one? He could have several, depending on whether it's his body axis, related to momentum, x, y or z. - "He’d done the move" - This is a crude word, and not evocative or descriptive. 'made' the move would be more proactive, imo; or 'performed' the move, more sophisticated; or 'practised' the move, since it's in training. (page 7) - Where do the white nanos come from and how do they get into the other being? - "exhaust from their thrusters" - To me exhaust is waste, whereas what thrusters produce is the intended effect. 'exhaust' sounded odd to me. Also, with all the eddies and wash of thrust in the area from these two, I would have thought the chip would be long gone by now. - "might as well fight back" - Gah, this is horribly uncaring and passive, hopeless, surrendering: all the things we don't won't our protagonist to be! - "most undignified manner" - This is off-tone, for me. Nothing Y has done so far suggests he cares much about whether someone's manner is dignified or not. (page 8) - "trying to get it to stick to his glove" - Ah, right, I need to know this way back when he loses the chip, that there is some kind of assistance for handling this tiny, tiny thing. Or, you could just make it a bit bigger, which would be more believable for manual handling. I mean, how the heck is he going to position something the size of a hair follicle and make an accurate physical connection using only his fingers in a freezing environment in orbit? I just don't think it's believable the ways it's described. - "damage to system" - So, the nanos are only attacking his cyber system? The use of the term white cells makes me think humans systems, be I guess it can just be an analogy. - I like the ticking clock, that's effective. - What's a 'ridge hand'? Was that meant to be right hand? Right hand (i.e. punch) would be way more relatable. - "clutched the chip" - This is him just catching it, right? It's less than 1mm across, I would think. How on earth can be see it amongst a could of nanos? Okay, he's got a trace on it, but how can he 'grasp' it when he's moving and twisting and getting slugged. I can't suspend that degree of disbelief without some assistance of my own! - 2 minute jump! Oh, that's good; well done. - I like the cutting out of his feed, very well done. Confusion though. It was 48% chance of damage first, now it 36% chance: surely that number should be increasing. (page 9) - "sludge" - Yeah, again... Is this YA? This is really tame for an oath. I can imagine 12-years-olds using it. - "disrupt communications" - Hmm, only thinking of this now? I almost thought they were going to do that first time, but maybe not. - "haptic" - Well, that's my lesson for the day, did not know this word. It's a good word, but I had to stop reading and go look it up. That's not a reason not to use unusual or rare words though, that's part of what reading is about, right, learning. - I feel like there's a skip here. We go from 84% chance, to him fitting the chip. I'd like to see him closing on the bundle, maybe fending off one more attacking, one more near try/fail, almost missing the target then latching on. The last step just seems a snip too easy. - "grew as cold as it had torn" - words one after another, what do they mean?! (page 10) - But, but, but the percentage chance of damage to the suit keeps dropping, it should be going up. In fact, no, it's the integrity of the suit that is dropping, not the chance of damage to the cyber systems, surely? In fact no again, because clearly damage is being done to the systems and the systems must know that, surely. If it was only the suit that was being damaged, the message would not be degrading. The logic around the degradation is not working. (page 11) - Confused. He's solved the breathing problem by getting inside, but his system is still infected, all that damage to his system is still real. He was all breaking up and degradation and that seems to have completely disappeared. Confused. (page 12) - "Mag VR wasn’t up yet" - this confused me, because I thought Mag were resident on this residential asteroid, since it has their system on it, so why would their VR not already be set up? - "invasion was mostly gone" - why is it mostly gone? I don't understand what system intervened on his behalf when he got inside. (page 14) - Wha. There's a big scene break there between him speaking through the asteroid and him getting back on the ship. Also, there seems a huge disconnect to me as there is no interaction between him and his team. Surely, he would be debriefed by his team leader? We don't see that scene, and that makes this new scene feel like the one when he's alone in space, so there's not contract in the feeling of the scene. I feel like it needs something--even just a short scene sequel--to make that transition. - "Usually h/m changed skin more than" - This confuses me. If they are vid stars in some way, changing skins will make them less identifiable between one thing and the next, surely? Stardom is so much about image that to literally change appearance will make it harder for people to identify the star as the same person, surely, and this would dilute their appeal and their image, literally. - "the beginning of the first feed he had watched" - I thought the things he watched with D in them were other episodes, like days or weeks before. I'm confused by what's being referred to here in terms of 'the first feed'. (page 15) - "checked the room and the corridor outside" - This comes back to what I was talking about above when I referenced a 'cut scene' with other real people when he comes aboard the ship. I short bit of person interaction with another human or humans would help ground the reader in reality. The issue, I think, with going straight into another scene of Y in his own head is that it's hard as a reader to get a sense of grounding. All the tech words and terms and VR and feeds and nanos are disorienting. A scene of human interaction would give the reader contrast before the big reveal that Y has been set up, in a manner of speaking Overall I'm going to keep this short, as I think I've covered it all in the as-I-go comments, but I think this needs a number of edits for flow and clarity. You'd expect that, I guess, from anything new, but all the technical concepts are hard to parse when they come one on another on another on another. Clarity, I think, is so important with stuff like this. Not just clarity of prose, but clarity of reader perception that all implications of the technological stuff is being picked up. There's a lot I like about this, and I think the central idea that a protagonist who thinks he's doing one thing, but turns out he's performing a different role is prefect for this kind of set up. Another thing I would add is that, in relation to the first summary paragraph above, I think I'm lacking investment in the m/c on a human level. There's lots of clever tech that put my in world, but I maybe a bit at the expense of human interaction and investment. Nice work though. I do not know how you managed to write during WorldCon, I just could not do it!!!

Oh dear, Mandamon read this on the way to Ireland and I'm reading it on the way back, I think that tells you all you need to know about our respective time-management skills... I thought it always was: am I misremembering? Agree with Mandamon in relation to pacing. I rolled with the aliens and gods thing. I'm not saying I loved it. A clear antagonist would be good, and I presume is coming when they get to the mill. Agree. Don't all SSmooth's stories have dogs in them, or is that my misperception? I am presuming the 'dug' (Scots translation) will play a role. It barked at the mannequins in Chp.1, I seem to remember, and I think helped our protagonist get out of the store room. I'm okay with it. Isn't it four legs of the story? Yeah, that chimes with me. That's terrible what you say about your friend. I hope it somehow works out alright.

Comments (tries to sneak in without anyone noticing he is many, many days late). (page 1) - Not keen on them running to the bathroom. Were they bursting before? - I like the bit where D suggests hiding the bike. Reminds me of times I plotted a child to try and disguise my activities from my Mum and Dad. - Lovely image of the sun's last rays. You're evoking the days of my youth here... apart from the mannequins and spirits, obvs. - I don't have a dog, but I've seen enough of them peeing to note that it seems odd to me the dog doesn't pee up against the tree, or even on the bike! - Personally, I'm again using '100%' in prose, and would use 'one hundred percent' myself, unless maybe in SF, or with a scientific or other technical application. I don't think one tends to see the numerals used in published works, but no doubt someone will correct me. (page 2) - The poison ivy reference is a bit wordy, and you mention poison ivy three times close together. Also, reading as a writer, I wonder if this is you setting up a stone later on, in a Chekov's Poison Ivy sort of way... Don't answer that: we shall see - "my dad loved his (bike)..." - Oh, bless. That's the sweetest line. Very 'in voice'. My inclination is to think that this is not in fact true, but it's the kid's perception, which is slightly bitter sweet. I'm put in mind of something like The Railway Children, when... [plot spoilers]. - "super suspicious" - Voice!! <thumbs up> - Confused: why do they have to sleep in the office, why not just sleep here not that they're here? - You recap what's going to happen, then suddenly they are going upstairs. Is it just them? Where is D? - "jumped back on the laptop" - I guess this is aimed at voice, but I just don't like it. It comes under the same heading as 'grabbed' for me. These verbs have specific meanings, but so often are used in a slang / colloquial sense. The problem is, used in that sense, they don't add anything to the story. For me, they subtract. Saying 'I ate a sandwich' is far, far clearer, more direct and descriptive for the reader than saying 'I grabbed a sandwich'. Similarly, saying 'I opened the laptop' is way, way clearer than saying 'I jumped on the laptop', which sounds kind of ridiculous to me. (page 4) - "My heart sped up. My attention I felt slime slipping through my fingers." - You restate what needs to happen, getting mum back and such. I don't think anyone's forget that, it's the centre of the whole story. I would drop this motivation recap. (page 5) - The jump to vampires is massive. They go from 'other things' straight to vampires and don't consider any other types of 'other thing'. For me, it's not a logical thought process. Battling my WRS, I remember they found a vampire hunting kit, but also one for werewolves (weren't there silver bullets?). Anyway, still. - I like the discussion about gods, but there are so many different people involved in the account that I found it a bit difficult to stay focused with. There's D's mom, and their mom, and D's mom's friend (Ch?). Seems to hop around a lot as to who's being referred to. - Last line on the page confuses me. The last sentence is dialogue, but seems like it should be prose. (page 6) - "Ch took them" - I thought this meant took the books about aliens, but then the next bit seems to repeat the idea: confused. - I like the idea around Ch disappearance being suspicious. There is good stuff in this chapter, but the research stuff is a bit slow. Could be tighter. - What cop? There's nothing about it being one particular cop. - "seeing her tears..." - I don't buy this emotion. I've not seen that level of emotional attachment. This is a really strong emotion (metaphor). I don't think you develop that in two hours (or whatever), personally. - "how they found words to say to each other" - great line. - "I clicked with" - Yeah, see, clicking it not the same as heart-melting, imo. (page 7) - "Silence sli..." - awesome line, just awesome. Love it. So descriptive and so simple. - the doll - They were watching it, then seemed like they just started ignoring it. - "were in the room next door" - I know what you mean, but it sounds to me like they're in the house next door, compared to 'in the next room'. - "pantheons" - I wonder if this word is just a bit older than the protagonist? They have been calling them gods up to now. - "or the most speculating ones were philosophy" - this should be 'speculative', BUT, it actually sounds in-voice for the protagonist's thoughts to be grammatically incorrect (can't believe I'm saying that!! ). That does bring me back to the point about 'pantheon' though. - "Marvel movies" - Poor DC, always the whipping people... I mean Wonder Woman!! - "to be home with Mom" - You could really wrench the heart strings and say 'my Mom'. Just a suggestion. (page 8) - Where does the thunder and rain come from? Seems to come out of nowhere. I don't think there was any mention of the weather being inclement when they were outside earlier, was there? Seems random. (page 9) - "Sweat pooled on my forehead" - I don't think it pooled unless their forehead is flat. I would say 'Sweat beaded my forehead'. - "I hadn’t realized..." - repetitive sentence, using the same form twice. The reader realise's it's going to be harder on the way back. Think you can drop the second be and go straight to the sweat. - "to make sure none got stolen" - I really think you need 'had been stolen' here. This wording is future. - "doll was in my bag with its head poking up" - Ha-ha, now what could this possibly remind me of...? [In-joke, please disregard.] - "so no one realized he was there" - Strongly suggest deleting: this is obvious. - "we made our way to the back room" - Hmm. I'm thinking I would like the tension closer to the start of the chapter. Only at the foot of this first page are we reminded that the mannequins are just on the other side of a nearby door. - "didn’t pick up any readings" - other than A's doll, so it has picked up some, just now. (page 10) - "put in front of the door was still there holding it shut" - This makes the mannequins seem less threatening than they could have been if the trunk was pushed aside. HOWEVER, it's your story and your pacing, and we may not be where you want us yet before things start ramping up, or there may not even be a chase scene, à la Doc Who. - "back and forth between 'it' and..." - 'it' here is one of those nasty in specifics: it could be the door, it could be the trunk. - The trunk's not 'gone' though, it's still there, just a bit to the side. You could refer to the obstruction being gone, I suppose, or reword more significantly. - "D wasn’t in the front where he had been last week" - I can just about remember who D is, but that's my WRS. However, 'last week'? Since when did a week pass? Is that WRS too? - "other mannequins were gone too" - I suggest, for clarity. - "I walked up and down every aisle" - There isn't the tension I though there would be in this scene. I thought we might be going into jump-scare territory, but they both seem fairly un-frightened/confident. - Okay, the monster-isn't-here-for-me-to-show-you is a good trope too, but I'd still like more tension leading up to it. - "thirty miles away from here and twenty from the office" - Whoa, are you saying they cycled 10 miles? That's enormous; that's like a different town. That's the implication, I think, but I really don't believe it. - "cap them at like 10 or 15" - Please, please, pretty please, no numerals: you spelled out 'twenty' in the same paragraph. (page 11) - "If we take a lot of breaks, do you think you could ride 40 miles in a day" - Nope. Why does it have to be so far? I don't think this is at all practical, for a 12/14 year-old? Even if it was, remember you need to keep it within the bounds of believability for people that don't cycle. Lots of breaks means lots of time not cycling. Eight 15 minutes breaks is two hours of daylight lost. How is it 40 miles? Not sure I'm getting the geography. And FINALLY, please, no numerals. In my opinion, it looks terrible to the eyes, pulls me right out of the mood of the piece. - "no one has moved in" - See, if the mill and the house are in the next town, how would D necessarily know that for sure? - "less scary in a getting the cops called on us sense" - I read this twice before I got it the third time. I suggest hyphenating the compound phrase, like 'less scary in a getting-the-cops-called-on-us sense'. I think it makes it way easier for the reader's eye to parse it as a single 'entity' and therefore read in the intended manner. - "from a haunted perspective" - I know, I know; I've gone all grammar, but still. I don't think this means the same as 'from the perspective of being haunted' or maybe 'from a being haunted perspective'. - "It’s a little haunted" - ROLF ROFL Obvs, this is grammatical anathema to me, but I absolutely love the line. Great example of how 'rules' are made to be broken. (page 12) - Good closing line: I'm on board for the next chapter. Bring it! Overall I enjoyed this chapter once it got going a bit more, but there were places I though the pacing/tension dropped off (per the comments). Still, I like how it's going. I still like the tone, and I'm on board with the characters, although there are not many of them. A few details, but nothing dramatic. Tension is probably the biggest thing. I'd like to see it ramped up across the board from near the start, but I'm still enjoying the story. And not I have the next instalment ready and waiting! I shall aim to get to it tomorrow. <R>

Dear all, Firstly, please forgive me for my lack of response on previous submissions. WorldCon and the lead up to it has been pretty all-consuming. I've done next to nothing on this end, Sorry! I will get caught up over the next week or so, promise. On to normal business, here is Chapter 6 of TCC. Any and all comments greatly appreciated. Chapter Recap: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; Cheers, Robinski

Fair enough, and I'm certainly not criticising the way you talk (I have a tendency to blather myself). It's just at the start fo the story and all. I understand, and I have learned something. Very interesting. My issue remains that I wonder how many people would now this. If 60% (random number) In life, I'm System Internationale pretty much the whole way when it comes to distance, and yet I'm still 5'11", and my weight comes in stones and pounds, and speed limits in the UK are in miles per hour. Okay, basically it's a mess... But my comment stands. I'm pleased you're thinking on those lines. And, the whole thing made sense when it turned out later that the brother order the armour but didn't check the size. It all made sense later, but not at the time. Interesting. Lol. I'm actually mimicking the way my daughter speaks, so it's more phonetic than proper. Lol, well, I can't argue with that, and listen to me, 'mode of speak' That was a typo. Ah, that's different. So, like Marlon Brandon in The Godfather then... I'm with you!

Me too, please. I'm ready to go whenever.

Sorry about the very late comments. I hope they are still of some use. (page 1) - I like the flashback around mother's disappearance, but I think it can be titled up a bit. It wasn't clearly a flashback, for me, not at the start at least. After the start it's strong and clear through the middle to the end of that first scene, I thought. (page 3) - I could do with a reminder that the general is in the village, as an explanation for why his camp is just outside. It feels very convenient that they have no distance to travel. - "They don’t know the demon is just an egg" - This line doesn't make sense to me. What does it mean? And he's segued away from the subject of the conversation, which also was a bit confusing. - Hang on, if they can see the guard is sleeping and he's wearing a mask, they must be closer than a quarter mile away. What's that, about 400 yards? No way they can see that level of detail. - Confused: the general doesn't know they have the egg, so why would his camp be defended against it? Is this because they know a demon has got through the front line? I think maybe a (subtle) reminder of that would useful, although there will be some WRS going on with me at this point. Actually, ahem, it might be FRS (Fortnightly Reader Syndrome), since I'm sooo late. (page 5) - "This is going to be a long trip, isn’t it?" - Confused. I think the problem is I've forgotten that they are not going to see the general, but that their trip is to go and see the GK. - I do like the emerging relationship between the kids. That's coming over well for me, and I think Z's 'condition' is too. I'm getting the idea of the expressions, which is working pretty well. My thought is though that if that's all there is to it, it might start to come over a bit gimmicky. Will there be other strands to it, and will Z experience more specific challenges because of the condition during the course of the story? Okay, I like the bit about the joke, but I'm hoping there are more significant issues to come. (page 6) - "which was rigorous" - excellent, I'm a pretty fast walker to I appreciate this!! No dilly-dallying. - "don’t let them define you" - Why would what kind of beans you like define you? This was a weird line for me. I don't think it adds anything. (page 7) - "though they didn’t travel as straight as she’d like" - But, if they were paralleling the road, they would be taking the same curves, so would not actually (technically) have been travelling any straighter. - "made the pilgrimage to RC on foot multiple times before" - this came out of left field for me somewhat. I would think this might have come up before now. (page 8) - "Said I reminded her of home" - This seems redundant: it's already said in the previous line. - "went into the breeding program" - Eh? What's this? I don't recall this being mentioned before, but it seems like a pretty major deal. I don't have a problem with it as a concept, but I don't recall it coming up in any of the POVs to date. - "did not respond that to that" - typo. - "I’ve never had sex before" - Yes, this is a exactly what I was talking about earlier, a significant example of her social dysfunction (if that's an appropriate term), that is not connected purely to the expressions. Thank you (page 9) - I'm not sure I really get the "Do you think it will happen again?" line. What is she getting at? Is that more awkwardness? Awkwardness talking about awkwardness is getting close to meta overdoes, methinks. I resume that won't occur a lot. (page 10) - "their SLs misting next to their slumbering bodies" - Okay, problem for me, I think. The SLs don't seem to actually do anything. What is the point of them? People carry them around, but they don't perform any daily function other than providing a plot device. For me, they are not integrated into the story. I forget they are there from one chapter to another. At some point, I presume, they are going to pop up and be significant and I'm going to be narked, because they have not justified their existence in the story, imo. - "She said she was the GK once" - Totally don't remember this. - I like the exchange between the two girls, I feel like there's lots of relationship building going on. I feel some real warmth here. - "That gave me pause" - this is verging on Shakespearian dialogue. It feels way out of place for me, as phrasing. I'd have thought they would say something like 'That made me think.' (page 13) - "Before she could comment on it, in the distance, there was a howl" - problems for me in various ways. (1) something hugely dramatic just happened, and she's going to 'comment on it'? That's way too weak a response, I think. Something like 'Before she could react' would be better, because it's shorter, and therefore snappier, more quick fire; (2) grammar: I know you've got the powerful word at the end of the sentence, which I learned recently is good form, but something about 'in the distance coming first distracts me. The howl is the first thing the brain would register, surely, and the fact of distance would be second(?), methinks. (page 14) - "There’s another demon in the area" - I didn't really get the thing that they were all getting one after another. It's obvious when it's said out loud, but I don't think it's all the obvious from the 'clues'. They've had the egg for a year and the other demon (mommy?) is only coming to look for it 12 months later? That's weird to me. - "right on top of them" - This seems very sudden given the first howl was distant. - "two red eyes appear in the night" - Okay, this might be DRS (Daily Reader Syndrome - I didn't finish reading yesterday and my memory is terrible, really, really, terrible) but I thought they were in a tent. Now, that's on me, but I think you could have a little more description dropped in to keep us vested in the fact that they are exposed. - "that this was what was called a scout" - too wordy for me, in the moment of high tension. (page 15) - She's so, so cool in the face of this thing. I'd like some more terror, I think. I'm not sure it feels authentic. - "It comes!" - This is an odd thing to say, rather formal and stilted, Victorian even. Wouldn't it be more likely she would say 'Look out!' or 'Attack!' or something less, literary? - "pushed herself backward" - struggling with the blocking of this. Pushing back will take all the momentum out of any strike, surely? (page 16) - "black smoke rose" - ooh, creepy, but what does it look like: claws, head, face, limbs; I could do with more description to drive home them vileness of it. - "had she held the blade horizontally" - not really got my head around this. She's crouched, but when you say horizontally, it sounds to me like the blade is flat, and pointing perpendicular to her direction of travel. I presume I'm wrong, because that would not produce a killing blow, as far as I can see. Summary: I'm finding the description of the combat somewhat unclear. - "but she let out a battle cry that warned the demon she was coming" - So, normally I would say this isn't needed, or even wanted, because it tells the reader what to take from the previous comment. I think it's clear why a battlecry is wrong, and it's good for the reader work that out on their own, which I think most would. BUT, is this YA, and if it is, are the rules/is the benchmark different? - "its front paw at her" - earlier, I mentioned about wanting more description of the demon, and about it being more scary. A demon having paws does not sound scary to me, sounds kinda cute, actually. - "took the brunt of the blow" - Love triangle!!! Did I just get that? I think I thought it before actually, but still. - "out her throat, though, a spearhead that shone orange stabbed into the demon’s shoulder blade and threw it off balance" - Suggestion: the word 'though', with two commas around it, really slows the momentum of this line at a critical moment. I think 'that shone orange' has a similar effect. I think there's a wording that would better maintain the momentum of the line. (page 17) - "let the momentum pull her" - Pull her where? I sense she's being swung around trough the air, but there not description of that. - "landed in a fighting stance feet away" - I could only think of her own feet when she lands, rather than distance. - Repetition of 'off' in the same line: distracting. - "screaming just like M had" - little confused. Z saw that it was wrong to scream when M did it, but now she is doing it? Actually, I'm okay with the scream, because I think there would be a massive outpouring of adrenaline and emotion in a moment like that, but it's Z's lack of acknowledgement of the comparison that throws me slightly. Then again, she's busy in the moment, so maybe it's just me. - "alerted to her maneuver due to her battle cry" - Aw but no, she's made exactly the same mistake that M made seconds ago... hmph. - "pushed herself to her feet" - IMO, there's a gap in the narrative here, between her hitting the demon (falling to the ground, hitting the dust, rolling over, coughing, scuttling) and then getting up. (page 18) - "is what you missed" - I loved the move by M when she saw Z's play and made the launch pad. That, for me, is the single best moment in this chapter. It's powerful moment of cooperation, of new, burgeoning friendship. Great, great moment. I do feel the M is putting herself down a little. Yes, Z was properly powerful and proactive in that moment, but M was not sitting atone watching. I wonder if it's in character for M, this reaction. I can accept her attitude towards Z at first was defensive, and maybe her standoffishness was just overcompensated shyness, or a rejection of Z invading her friendship (and more?) dynamic with R, but still, I'm just pondering her attitude here... - "over onto her hands as well" - I get that this means all-fours. - "had seen that soul lantern before" - got to say I did not think S/L the you mentioned it first time, but that might simply be even more WRS. (I cannot apologise enough for how long I've been reading your sub.) - "Isn’t that--" - The ending here is a great moment. Very powerful. No clue at all that this was coming, and yet it is 100% (IMO) surprising but inevitable. Well done on that. The thing that tripped me was this line from M, which I thought sounded rather melodramatic, slightly weak. I wonder if it's necessary. I feel like it tramples on the tone, the impact of the moment. Overall I feel like something of a fraud even writing overall comments now, given how long it's been since I started reading the chapter. I'm certainly not going to say anything about pacing, or arc. However, there are some really nice notes in this chapter. I enjoyed how the relationship between Z and M is developing, how it moved forward in this chapter: very heartwarming and satisfying. The ending was excellent. Couple of minor quibbles, but I was satisfied by how that played out. However, I do have a concern. The emergence of Ma might completely change the dynamic of the story, and rob Z of agency. Then again, my suspicion is that you will not have Ma hanging around for a long time, but I might be wrong. There was plenty of stuff that I liked in this chapter. Nice job. Sorry again for the delay. <R>

Nathrangking, as I live and breath (at the time of posting), how the heck are you? I'm at Dublin 2019 WorldCon at present, so it'll be a few days before I can get to this, but don't let me forget, I'd like to read it

Thanks! We'll do our best

I love us being in the same time-zone for once

https://dublin2019.com Some of us are going to WorldCon in Dublin (Silk, Kais, Mandamon, Industrialist Dragon, Asmodemon and me) and will be meeting up to record a podcast about various topics around inclusivity within a broadly accessible writing group. The meet-up has been christened RECon #1, because why wouldn't we?!

That's good enough for me. Thank you, I.D. My perspective comes from my Mum doing embroidery and macrame in the 80/90's and having thread that was gold, silver, copper and bronze-coloured, but actually fairly pretty light weight, as it was more like a colour applied or spliced with a basic cotton thread.

I'm happy enough either way, but then I'm so late and far behind that I guess I would say that

I totally clocked this, but my assumption was that L was gay, although it wasn't outright stated, the gaze implied it to me. If I misinterpreted that, then yes, I would agree with I.D. Yes, exactly how I read it.

Sorry I'm so late to this. Full disclosure; it's going to get worse on the next two weeks over WorldCon Anyway, here goes. (page 1) - I'm unsure about the epigraph. I guess it sets mood, but... I dunno, I almost think I'd prefer to go in and have the story revealed to me, in that same glow of warm optimism I go into every story. I'm not sure what it adds. - "Go ahead and go back up to the keep" - Okay, sorry but this is all over the place. There are literally three different instruction here 'Go ahead', 'go back' and '(go) up to the keep'. I know characters are allowed to say what they like, and most certainly don't have to be grammatically correct, but in the opening of the story, it's crippling to have a line that is so vague. The pointer on my boding alarm swings slightly towards 'ill'. - I like the exchange with the squire: it sets up the relationship as a respectful one, I have a question I want an answer to (where is this knight going and whose service is she about to enter), and I have some context / setting in terms of where they've come from and where they're going (initially, the smithy). (page 2) - "relished in the sights" - grammar: there are some instances where it's 'off', not enough to through me out of the story really, but enough to be noticeable. - "streets were the veins" - Mmm, somewhat clichéd. Not wrong, but a very common image. - "their jetties creating a canopy" - Huh? A jetty is for boarding a boat, so now I'm thinking there are balloons that are boarded from high up on buildings? I'm puzzled by the use of this word and it isn't explained. - "a couple more blocks" - to me this is a modern concept, challenges my comfort with the setting. - "about five meters tall" - This really challenges my acceptance of the setting. I'm presuming it pseudo-historical low tech, because of the carriages, armour, etc., but a metric until of measurement throws me hard into conflict with a modern, technological setting. I don't like that. Maybe it's consistent with this setting in some way, but I've gone from (page 3) - "a dozen bare-chested men worked" - Whoa! I'm struggling to understand how one smithing business can sustain that number of staff. I presume there are other blacksmithing businesses in a city, because there is almost always competition in business. It's just curious. It's not for me to say it's wrong, but it takes me out of the story trying to figure out how this huge blacksmithing business operates effectively. The space along required to accommodate what might be six forges? maybe four? To me, this is worthy of being the royal smithy the work of which is to keep the royal army equipped. (page 4) - "man relieving himself in that tannery" - It's not grammar, it's word choice. Little details of logic keep tripping me up and sending me down side tracks when I should just be reading over them to follow the story. The large smithy was one, here's another. I don't understand why they were inside the tannery. Walking past it, okay (different issue, I'm coming to that), but the implication is that man is inside the building or a yard or something peeing, so they must be inside to see it. Second issue, I'm no expert, but I would not expect to find a tannery in the centre of town, for the exact reason you state about the smell, the waste, etc. - In general, this wandering around and the banter; it's entertaining enough for me to keep reading, but it all hinges on this pretext of L's for seeing some of the city. That seems rather flippant. I'm not sure what it says about her character. I'm trying to decide if I like it or not. (page 5) - The thing about the armour not fitting It seems unlikely to me. If the man is the royal blacksmith, I would expect his work to be much better than it sounds. The errors in the work seems considerable, not just tweaks or L being a perfectionist. And then he doesn't seem to know about making casts, which I would expect a royal blacksmith to know about, since royal patronage would only come to someone at the peak of his profession. The end result is I'm left feeling unconvinced, like the writer is engineering this scenario for the purposes of being able to write and argument and have L be angry and forceful. (page 6) - So both L and A have black hair? That's going to be confusing (potentially). There voices sound fairly similar as it is. I know you've mentioned A is the 'obviously' pretty one, but that's not enough for me to be able to distinguish between them in my mind's eye. I don't want reams of description, but there are ways to distinguish characters, of course. - The skirts comments made me stop and go huh. The implication is that L would be wearing a skirt in battle, because it's mentioned by the smith that the greaves would be covered it. I find that very hard to believe. The potential for tripping on it, or being caught by it by opponents, or it snagging on the something on the battlefield would be significant, I would have thought. (page 7) - On the subject of distinguishing between the two female characters, you mention that A has copper and gold thread, whereas L has silver. In my mind, without anything to tell me otherwise, gold thread would be more exclusive than silver, surely. Also, how thick must this thread be to make any kind of material difference to the weighting of a hem? I would think it would need to be actual thin chain. Gold thread, such as one would sew with, I think, does not actually have significant weight as such. @industrialistDragon, help me out here, am I close? - Also in relation to distinguishing between the characters and their stations, in my head, A is the more sophisticated, more gentile-sounding name to me: L sounds harder phonetically. Also, both characters have 3-sylible names. These things affect my ability to remember which character is the lady and which is the servant/companion. (page 8) - "such a big deal" - This is a totally modern expression, and dumped my out of the story onto my backside, looking around bemusedly. I know some authors believe that this sort of thing is fine is pseudo-period fantasy. I don't. I think of it this way: you are creating a world in which human society has developed in a particular way, or reached a particular point (low tech). That is analogous to a historical period in Earth society's development. A very effective way to put the reader into the frame of mind is to omit phrases that align the story stetting to a period of Earth history that is far more advanced technologically than your story setting. The corollary is that such phrases take the reader out of any level of immersion that your prose has created to that point. Summary: I don't like it - "breathing a sigh of relief" - I've been assuming we're in L's POV, but this is borderline A's POV. (page 9) - If I haven't said it already, I find the prose easy to read grammatically, and I very much enjoy that since it makes the word so much easier to critique. This said, I go back to what I said before about logic and the little details that I find it hard to parse. "I told them I’d get what they needed" - L is a royal, this has been established. I struggle to believe that she would have the time to get supplies on behalf of the physicians. HOWEVER, this could be made convincing (which it very much is not for me in this form). The problem for me is that the physicians are described in this generic way. Why would a royal go out of her way for a bunch of physicians that she doesn't know well enough to use a name, that's essentially her running an errand for people that are not 'valued' enough in the story to be named. For this to be convincing, I believe it has to be presented as a personal favour for a trusted physician, a character. 'I offered to collect some bortle flower from the apothecary for High Physician Klemperer.' - "when someone required the same medicines three times a day" - Ah, but wait, there is more to this than initially presented. If L has personal (i.e. family stakes) in this, I think you need to present that bang up front, which would partly diffuse my problem with the errand is first presented. (page 10) - "you’re awfully cheeky at times" - ten pages in, the banter continues, but it does not feel that the story is advancing. There's plenty go character establishment, but I feel you've done this already. I felt pages ago that A was cheeky and that was the tone of their relationship. This is another argument where I don't think you need it. It's the first chapter and I think it's important that you move on from the relationship stuff sooner and get to the bigger framing aspects. Who is L? Where are we? What is the status of the political situation (at war, peace, tensions with the lower classes, evil wizard threatening the Queendom)? I need more framing details by this point. - "feeling a deep exhaustion" - Huh? Why? I don't understand. (page 11) - "hard to remember the girl was only sixteen" - Oh, I put her older than that, maybe 19-21. I would have needed this detail sooner, now I have to recalibrate my impressions of their discussion from the last 10 pages. (page 12) - "We have to get the medicines and such to the physicians so they have supplies for the next few days" - back to the prose. I'm still enjoying how smoothly it reads, but I think it is wordy and that--in a robust edit--the word count could be cut down fairly hard in place. I think the main problem is that often we are told things that we already know, that have already been established. Here, we know why L went to get the supplies, and it's obvious why the physicians (so generic) want them, so, the last bit is redundant. - I like the description as we are going into the square, but there's nothing visual about the square itself. A civic square would be a large an impressive place, perhaps with statuary, planting beds, etc. I feel like it's a missed opportunity to show us the scale of the city and some of it's grandeur (or not), to strike a tone for the place other than just generic fantasy city, which is kind of what we're getting at present. Also, I did not understand why L found things less vibrant. - "like the bottom maw" - I'm positive that the maw is the opening: did you mean 'jaw'? (page 13) - I enjoyed A's heartfelt 'speech'. - "but there’s there are too many historical consistencies" - plural disagreement. - I've heard of 'lallygagging', but not the version here. (page 14) - "full ten meters" - I'll stress it again, I think this would be much more 'in tone' with the story if you gave heights and such feet and distances as yards. Also, 10m doesn't sound all the impressive, only 30 feet, compared to the language used to describe it, when you don't give us the height of the whole building. Seven stories could be 70 to 100 feet, plus another 30 and your keep is 130 feet high. Another thing that tripped me up is "seven above-ground floors" - sounds really awkward, which was unusual considering how well everything else reads, to me. I would cut 'above-ground': stories or floors are above ground by default. So, you could say it has seven stories and three basement levels (for example), and it's entirely still clear, I think. (page 16) - "You handled that well" - is this really worthy of remark? Actually, it's a bit maid-and-butler. Surely, A has seen L interact with children before, has she not? - I'm not 100% sold on the child's mode of speak. (page 17) - "middle-aged beauty unmarred by the scar" - But it is though, by definition. I know what you're going for, I think, but really not sure 'unmarred' is the word. (page 18) - "Ama-----" - There are a lot of 'A' names in this story for places and people. That's going to be confusing. - "cotton-mouthed" - that sounds rather insulting, and I'm not entirely surely what it sounds like. (page 21) - "who had a bad habit" - presumably, he still does have the bad habit, so 'had a bad habit' would be fine. - "so they always ended up bad" - for one thing, this statement it too general for me. Surely they can't always end up badly, he must get it right sometimes, even if it's only by accident, it he's trying to do good. Secondly, 'ended up bad' is not great grammatically. I would say 'always ended badly'. - Decent ending note for the chapter. I'm interested to read on a see what happens. Overall There's good writing here. The prose flows well, for me, and I rarely felt the need to comment and things, grammatically speaking. I'm just not sure I'm convinced about some of the logic, which I've commented upon. Not great swathes of it, just some of the decisions, and small details of the set up. So, how does it leave me feeling overall? It's solid writing, and the characters are interesting, entertaining, without being enthralling. I'm interested in the situation. It's good that we're not dealing with invading troops or monster attacking. The situation seems to be the potential unrest/disruption if the Queen dies. So, a more political angle, at least at first. I like that. The thing that nags at me is that I'm just not sure I'm gripped by the plot (which is pretty light at the moment) or the characters. Interested, yes; compelled to read on. Not yet. I would read on though, definitely, in the expectation that things ramped up in the next chapter. Thanks for sharing. I did enjoy reading it.

Thanks so much for reading SSmooth, Yup, certainly I can forgive that, and in Chp.3, T is very passive. I'll need to think on that. I feel what I want to do is make G's voice more distinctive, or set it apart in some way [Done!] in that short POV she has. Right. I took another pass at it. I think it's cleaner now. Thanks I've attempted to tidy up, and will go at again when I do my complete read through of this chapter, once I'm through all the cries. This is a reference to BR, and the MTs not having torn him to shreds already. I've edited to clean up and clarify, I hope. I edited earlier references to have M clarify the plan, but yes, you're right. This is an inconsistency, now fixed. Thanks Awesome! And, we shall see... Yes to the second, and er, maybeeeeeee to the first Great comments, thank you for reading, some good fixes there.