Robinski

This sounds very interesting. I'm very much looking forward to reading your submission, sounds like something a bit different, which is always welcome!

I have to sum up, because I’ve gone on a bit much, sorry! I find your frequent use of a double ‘and’ in lists distracting and unnecessary. Often, especially where the last term in the list is an opposite and designed to have an impact, I think you lose that impact and the flow of the phrase, by introducing ‘something and something and something’. It’s an interesting story, I like the set up and the characters. Some of the mechanics seemed a bit off to me, like the fight with the jackals, where they seemed to attack one at a time, and the severity of the wounds, which seemed a lot worse at the time, but then didn’t appear to have much effect afterwards. My biggest plus is your handling of the relationship / attraction between Alssia and Idris, which I thought was excellent. “I never needed you to be stronger.” – superb line. This is the kind of perceptive comment about a relationship between two people that goes deeper than the superficial fluff. I think a lot of writers think it’s enough to tell the reader that there is attraction between two characters, but this sort of comment encourages the reader to think more deeply about what attracts two people, and that a relationship is much, much more than a writing device. I think that the story loses impact from a complication of certain scenes. The fight with the jackals was too long for me, and I think you could trim a lot of the writing in the edit. There are places it could be much more direct. I bet you could get down under 5,500 words just by streamlining the language and making it more direct / better flowing. The climax of the story is excellent, surprising yet inevitable I would say. Even at the last moment, I thought she was going to capture the demon/god, so when they did it together it was very satisfying, and neatly resolved their relationship 'troubles'. Plenty of tension and conflict, cleverly resolved. Great job though, especially with the characters. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Diving into the detail... “He lay in in the temple” “Alssia was not surprised to be chosen.” I thought at first Alssia had been chosen as the new god, only at the end of the paragraph did I realise she had been sent to find the new god. “It was a maze of flutes and chimes” – I'm not sure about ‘maze’. “The wastes turned hot quickly” – to me this sounds like the wastes change, whereas it’s actually Alssia and Idris reaching the hot part of the wastes, as in ‘Inland, the wastes were hot.’ “She needed to focus on keeping them safe, and finding a way through the wastes so that Idris could catch a god, not on his eyes and his smooth skin” – a bit disjointed. “She put her hand to the amulet” – I would say ‘Put her hand on’ or ‘Raised her hand to’ – for low. “He startled at her voice and struggled to focus on her face. She almost laughed. He looked like an owl startled from its burrow into unaccustomed sunlight.” Repetition of ‘startled’. “Idris sweated and puffed” “safe from hunting beasts too” “sunk into the dust and sea” – don’t think you need it, more dramatic and smoother without. “and speed urgency would make them follow instead of gathering the rest for a sure kill” – speed is not a reason in itself. It’s really ‘the need to catch them quickly’ or something like that. I thought urgency was closer to that. “blood and spirit and treasure” – you use the multiple ‘and’ construction a lot. I like it occasionally, but I think that's three times averaging once per page. I'm starting to get irked by it. “three coming along the ride ridge behind” – I presume. “chains of coins and hacked and broken silver and copper” – it really loses its effect when used so much. “sipping lightly at their spirits” – excellent phrase, very sinister. “mouth and eyes and cracked skin” – really, I would urge you to cut down on this a fair bit, it’s very noticeable. You never seem to use conventional list construction of a comma between items. “lead raider” – suggest ‘leader’ for flow. “ankle and knee and hip” – It’s not just the repetition of what starts to feel like a gimmick or tick, but it’s actually slower to read. ‘Ankle, knee and hip’ trips out better, it think, certainly in moments of urgency such as this. “keep her hold” – her hold, but think it’s smoother without it – sorry, I'm getting over picky. I like your description of the stone demon, its manifesting and its threat – nicely done. I enjoy it carving stairs as well. It’s not quick, but it has a kind of sickening inevitability to it. The raiders will continue to pursue. “and readied her sling again” “The raiders’ laughs and taunts” “She went, taking the lead again.” – I realise you're connecting this with the last sentence, but I didn’t get it at first. “Alssia took the lead again” would be smoother. I enjoyed the way Idris took charge of the situation and turned the demon on his acolytes. That was unexpected, but I wasn’t bothered about the lack of foreshadowing. It was good also to see him being capable, although I had no reason to doubt that he’d done a good job with the god trap, seeing him in combat was good. It’s harder to “There was a trouble though” – Why not ‘a problem’? “You don’t know what you’re doing” – he did more than alright with the stone demon. I'm not sure I believe her when she says this. “how stubborn he could be” “He broke a branch from one of the lonely Cypresses(?)” “She could be lost if he still Her loss was bearable if found a god for them” – avoids the repetition of still in the next line. “the urge to give them some malevolent intelligence that was toying with her and Idris was strong, but they showed not real sign of it.” – I find the writing rather wordy in places, but if it’s still an early-ish draft, I can understand that. I'm confident you could get it under 6,000 words without losing anything important from the story. For example “behind rocks and trees and kept her from preventing another easy cast” “She tried to relax, tried to be the serpent, cool, loose, coiled ready for her prey to come in reach” – great line. “broke off in the final yard” – that's the last step for animals that big, seems unlikely – five yards? “Its partner her high and her leg buckled in earnest” - ?? “had a black mask on the left side of its face” – I don’t know what this is. “Idris’ (or Idris’s) scream boiled along her limbs” Alssia seems here to be fighting one jackal. What are the others doing? I can’t believe Idris is holding them all back. The mentioned that they were attacking in unison, however it sounds here more like they are attacking one at a time as dumb henchman always do so conveniently in the movies. Also, Idris seems to have no defence in this situation, so I'm struggling to figure why the jackals haven’t ripped him to bits by now. “She had seen his eyes when the jackal went for her, and that made it easy to imagine what he had seen in hers” – nice line. “He stood there, staring at her, so full of pride, so eager, so much like the young warriors and the huntsmen, beautiful and fierce and foolish” – okay, I'm going to worry this point some more, sorry! I think ‘beautiful, fierce and foolish’ has more impact than your double ‘and’. Missing the first ‘and’ in the conventional listing style, places the first two terms right next to each other, linking them more closely, so when the third opposite term comes, it has more impact. Rather than that, I think the unconventional form, which I think is less easily interpreted, will distract many readers. I picked this one out because I thought it was a great line until I got to the double ‘and’. “I never needed you to be stronger.” – superb line. This is the kind of perceptive comment about a relationship between two people that goes deeper than the superficial fluff. I think a lot of writers think it’s enough to tell the reader that there is attraction between two characters, but this sort of comment encourages the reader to think more deeply about what attracts two people, and that a relationship is much, much more than a writing device. “It wrapped him from shoulder to hip like a cage of bone and silver” – it’s much bigger than I pictured up to this point, was it folded up before? “Idris looked at her, with his eyes pleading, for forgiveness or something she could not guess, in his eyes” – the ordering of the phrases in some sentences is a bit weird to me, splitting up phrases to introduce – e.g. this one. “clenched his jaws” – he’s only got one jaw. “It spoke from the idol like a choir of glass tongues and metal teeth” – super line, I'm really enjoying the encounters with the demons and Idris use of the idol. This is a good climax to the story.

Your level of preparation and advance planning is already intimidating

"I didn't want to resort to navel gazing or an inner monologue to flesh out the character; I prefer having characters converse." That might be part of it, thinking about it. I sometimes find Hellas' dialogue a bit naive, and his conversations skipping along to the next action without much consideration of the implications. You said "I didn't want to resort to navel gazing or an inner monologue to flesh out the character". I think a bit of navel gazing might not be a bad thing. It's not an easy thing to convey pain, guilt and regret in dialogue, and most authors utilise inner thoughts (no doubt in moderation), to do this quickly. It also allows you to throw in whatever subject you want without it having to come up in conversation, which can take a bit of contrivance to get into the discussion. Hope that 5 cents is useful!

Kind of weird going into something with a negative preconception, clearly from other comments last week I am in the minority! That’s always going to happen of course, can’t please all the people all the time. I’ll try and be more specific this week where I feel that lack of connection – maybe that will be useful – maybe not. Straight to it then... “darkness befell the Castle Mountains” – this seems weird, not the usual construction, I think. Stuff usually befalls a person. Online definition (lazy, I know, but still suitable, I think) says “(especially of something bad) happen to (someone)”. So, was it Mor who built the world in seven days? Repetition of ‘blasted’. “a natural lifespan no longer than a fly” – Google tells me a house fly lives for about 28 days. “To this day, no one had been able to breach the barrier. With any luck, Hellas would be the first person in over a decade to set foot on World’s End with his free will intact” – there seems to be a contradiction in this sentence. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Rakha doesn’t seem to do anything other than tag along and be frightened. I have no idea why Hellas takes him along. I presume he’s going to perform some story-significant action in due course, but there has to be a reason for Hellas to take him or it reduces the fire spirit to a rather blatant plot device, I think. Hellas is muttering a lot. I'm struggling to get a sense of scale in the description of World’s End, by which I mean distance. There are factories, but I'm not sure how far away they are, and Set sits on his tower close enough for Hellas to see flies in the air and to see his features, but if he is that close to the spires, how high are they? If he can see a vista that includes factories and meteors and a range of different things, I take that to mean he must be able to see a fair distance, and yet be close enough to see fine detail of Set. Also, he has just blasted a tunnel into this place, I guess security isn’t very tight – which I could understand if no-one has ever got in there. I like the introduction of Eirael – but how does he know her gaze is serene when she has her back to him? “why the hellspawn were so worried about these prisoners” – They can’t be that worried about them if there are only two guards on the place. Also, why are they prisoners, why hasn’t Set just killed them? “fight against the Council” – How does she make this jump? It seems huge to me, planning to overthrow the Trinity, something that no-one would reasonably contemplate. “One by one, Hellas dragged the prisoners out of their cells. By the time he was done, close to six hundred legionnaires were freed. Hellas shook hundreds of hands, learned hundreds of names” – I figure it’s going to take about 5 minutes to free each prisoner and get them down from their cell in the state they are in, not to mention shaking hands and taking names. For 600, that would take 3,000 minutes, which is 50 hours equating to 2 days – I presume that even with lax security, they will check the guards in that time frame! “I feel like a glorified doormat” – I never really felt this, his persecution. It seems to me he mostly courted any trouble he got into by being reckless, drinking, etc. “The Fire Sprite squeaked and morphed into an enormous, flaming bear” – What?! I don’t remember him doing this before or knowing that he could do this. The fallen never seem to present any threat and are carved up easily by the much more powerful Okhar, who appear to have an endless supply of magical power which they can use without cost or apparent limit, so far. I think it renders the fighting scenes much less interesting. I think there was greater promise for the combat back at the beginning, when you were describing Hellas’ fallen comrades in the aftermath of battle.

Gosh darn it, I would like to try again submitting my short story that I was still editing when I missed the boat a couple of weeks ago.

Lol - well that's not going to last much longer Looking forward to reading your stuff, and feel free to jump in and critique everyone around here has pretty thick skin!

For my part, I have no problem with that - shame to break something up that clearly is meant to be read in one sitting. One vote 'for'.

Sorry for the delay in responding, I'm just getting caught up now – almost back on schedule! I’ll dive straight in and sum up at the end. Something seems off with the paragraph about cleaning the hellspawn armour. It’s repetitive for one thing, but the logic seems off too. In Hellas’ conversation with Scrios, I'm concerned that Hellas does not seem to have any idea of who is going to fill the power vacuum if he casts down the Trinity. He actually says he doesn’t want it to be him, to which the obvious follow-up question from Scrios is, “Who then?” Okay, so Scrios is not going to reveal his source, be we know it’s a male as he refers to ‘he’ about five time in one paragraph. It just stuck out like a sore thumb to me. He could have said ‘they’. “Hellas stood still, silent, biting his lip, kneading his hands together.... ‘Fine,’ he grumbled, throwing his hands into the air. ‘I’ll go to the Labyrinth.” – For me, Hellas is behaving like a petulant teenager in this section. “You look like someone who’s going to make the world sit up and take notice” – but I thought the idea was to get into this place under the radar. This seems exactly the wrong way to look in this situation. I'm struck at this point by a feeling that the plot is very linear. Most plots are, but the trick, I think, is to make it appear that there are various possibilities which the protagonist is choosing from and that any is possible, even though the author has already decided which way he is going. I feel in this chapter in particular Hellas goes from A to B to C without any consideration of the consequences, or agonising over the cost. Neat idea to have Hellas using sonar in the cave, but hang on, if he can make a torch, why does he bother with the sonar? It seems pointless. Another thing, the Keeper is set up a big scary thing, but we’re just told ‘Be scared of him’ within being given a reason for it. Feels like telling, not showing. “the smell of ancient, rotten flesh” – I imagine he would be able to smell this without having to concentrate on it, if the smell is pervading the passageway if he is gagging on it. “And what reputation would that be?” – A good question, I’ve been wondering that myself. “First, a quick riddle” – Really, riddles in the dark? This is straight out of The Hobbit and this is where you lost me. I’ve never really felt engaged by Hellas as a character. I don’t feel pain or loss or anger from him somehow, he moves from action to action, but somehow I don’t feel involved. I think it’s because I don’t care. What is actually at stake, at a human level? I'm not sure that we’re seeing that. “staring at him with the same pale red eyes and the same maniacal grin” – Are these really the characteristics of his wife? This is not how I imagined her from earlier references. She sounds like some kind of demon. ‘Girlfriend’ sounds modern to me, but I imagine a classical setting, so it struck me as a bit odd. I'm wondering what all the testing and aggression was about at the beginning, because once Hellas and the Keeper get down to talking about the information, the Keeper just spills everything without the slightest hint of malevolence, threat, grudging-ness, etc. I felt that it could be two guys talking in a bar. “Okay. Well, thanks, I guess” “I need to know,’ he called into the darkness, his voice reverberating off the rocks. ‘You knew me from before, before I was Hellas. Who was I?” – I felt this came out of nowhere. I don’t remember Hellas agonising over his identity before. Maybe he did and I forgot in passing. So, in summary, I started to struggle here, but I think it arose from things that have been tagging along for a while, mainly my lack of connection with Hellas. The big wet wish to the face was the riddles in the dark though. I'm not sure there is much more to say. I shall keep on reading in any case, but as noted I don’t feel connected to Hellas, or invested in what happens in the story one way or another. In relation to the riddle scene, I think Tolkien long ago took ownership of a scene like that. I think it would need to offer something significantly different / innovative to set it apart from the classic scene and not to draw unfavourable comparisons.

Another solid submission with good momentum and an enjoyable, flowing narrative. Your dialogue has a pleasing authenticity to it. I wonder if you read it out loud to test as you write, or if it just comes naturally. Either way, there is very little that I would grumble about (any grumbles below the line in detailed comments). The same applies to your description of characters’ interaction and reaction to each other. The relationship between Joanna and the boy is crackling with the sweet tension of childish awkwardness. It’s very nicely balanced and I enjoyed it very much. I would read on for that alone, but you are concocting an interesting setting and revealing the wonders of fairyland at a nice leisurely pace, with sufficient mystery to make me very keen to read on. Nothing much in the way of grumbles, see details below. More please ---------------------------------------------------------------- Caughthron’s I can’t help thnking of the similarity of the name to Matrim Cauthon’s. “So I had tossed the clean clothes into my Papa’s canvas sack, threw thrown it over my shoulder, and we left together” – Tense seems to shift in the middle of the sentence. Seems to me those are huge hydrangea bushes. Wiki tells me that some species are small trees, but I’ve never seen one bigger than about 2m and certainly not with limbs thick enough to climb. “interruption is a violence” – violation? If you’re going to describe Mrs. Caughthron, I think you need to do it earlier, before the reader forms a wrong impression. Up to the point where she bids them come in, I have her pictured as a homely woman on the plump side. “I’d know the nature of your business before you’d oblige me to contribute obliging you in any way” – for me, this is over-complicated, and I don’t think the grammar is correct. “you really must impress me” – again, the use of the word here seems imprecise. It seems that she means she must believe wholeheartedly in the enterprise, but she doesn’t really say that. “I can hear what you’re thinking to me, sir” – another seeming misdirection, she doesn’t really mean telepathy, does she? Perhaps ‘thinking of me’ “like she was excited to get everywhere” – superb description. “It looked like a barn door to me, but just one instead of pair” – this didn’t work so well for me though. “Mind your business, thank you” – excellent. I love her tone with the boy, like she has learned from Mrs. Caughthron that this is how you deal with men-folk. I also enjoyed how you described Joanna through the boy’s eyes, jumping from one detail to another, and using words that seemingly contradict, or are not chivalrous like ‘bright’ and ‘sweaty’. This felt very well-observed to me. I don’t follow how there are peaked ceiling underground. Vaulted I could see. You talk about both light and darkness in the cellar(?) – I could do with some more description of the setting. “wasn’t singing English words” – Now then, seems to me this very firmly places your story on Earth, it was also a dose of reality that I didn’t enjoy. I feel that you could replace the reference to English. How did they get rip into a cellar designed for humans? This troubles me. Why would a cottage have such a space? This is the first element of the story I can think of that feels contrived for the purposes of the story. Having said this, I think maybe I have a false impression of how big he is, but shoes like furniture implies 30 or 40 feet tall to me. I guess I should not be trying to analyse this closely – maybe I thought the boy would be thinking about such things. The hints at Trahaearn’s nefarious activities are well judged, just enough to keep the reader wondering. Upstairs “I’m quite a bit lovelier than you” – rofl “brought out the key around her neck and fiddled with it” – didn’t she drop it in a drawer? Hmm, okay, the end of the chapter is a total cliff-hanger and there are two views on this. Brandon would say it’s a cheap shot and he would more likely give the reveal. His reasoning is, as I recall, not to hold the reader hostage, but give them the reason to want to read on to discover more about the wonderful / scary / intriguing reveal they have just read. This said, it's your story, but I did feel slightly 'put out'. Not a biggy really.

Looking at your post now (I am so bad for not following the instructions!), in terms of my emotional state, I had not really been thinking about it until I read your question. Thinking about it now, I definitely felt the poignancy of the change in the relationship between the boy and his father (I did comment on that). I'm not (yet) however getting a strong feeling from him about the loss of his father. Personally, my father died some years ago. I feel that quite acutely on occasion, but that depth of feeling is not being sparked here, because there's no suggestion that his father is gone for good, but that he needs rescuing. As I said in my comments, I didn't feel strong emotion from the boy. The initial panic was very well handled, but I'm not getting much from him now at an emotional level, perhaps because of his exhaustion the night before, and his disorientation during and after Trahaearn's 'hypnosis' of him. Hope that helps!

I honestly thought that your last submission was the end of the story, and that it was a short. I found the ending very satisfying. The mystery of Trahaearn was never revealed (I don’t mind that), but the relationship between the boy and his father has followed an arc, even in those two submissions. The boy is entering adolescence and there is a different understanding between them, greater parity, greater respect – The End. But no! There’s a whole novel – okay then – on we go! ...And there’s the last paragraph of your short story at the start of this submission – all is right with the world! (I’ll stop now). Nice work, well-written as always and easy to be carried along. There is a good forward momentum which is enjoyable. I especially like the way you show the boy’s reaction to his father’s disappearance rather than just telling the reader. It’s to be expected, I suppose, that Trahaearn is the one making the decisions, since he is the one who knows what is happening. I did think that maybe the boy might express a bit more desire / urgency (earlier in the chapter) to be going after his father, but I suppose he is a bit disoriented by it all, and half asleep too. Looking forward to the next bit – which I can read straight away! Only advantage of being behind ---------------------------------------------------------------- Two Appearances A thing that always occurs to me on starting one of your submissions, the spelling of ‘Trahaearn’ is very awkward. Fine, that’s his name, but I think it slows the reader down each time they see the word. My approach to awkward pronunciation is always to latch onto a version in the first or second instance and use that, but I still slow down each time the word appears. I'm going with ‘Tray-hern’ – don’t know if that’s what you intend, but that’s what I'm using! “I squinted my eyes against the cold spatter” – what else would he squint? “Men had cross words they’d say in moments like this. But I couldn’t remember any of them” – Lol, great line. “I called as the sky went dim again” – I like your description of thunder and lightning, and the second shadow, one flaw, I think, is that it’s implied the world is lit up for longer than it would be with a flash of lightning, which is pretty much instantaneous for purposes of human perception. The line about the world going dark again is too slow in coming, I think. “My tiredness felt bigger” – greater, surely. I'm surprised that he’s almost instantly disregarded the other shadow that was there – he clearly saw it and doesn’t doubt that he saw it, but seems to think no more about it. Okay, this is pedantic even for me, but I wondered about a sliding barn door – that seems like a higher level of technology than I would have expected in this setting or, if existing, too expensive for a little farm in the middle of nowhere, compared to a couple of hinges. I think the description of the water falling could be clearer. For a split second, I thought someone was peeing against a metal panel (really), then I imagined a drip in a bucket – I didn’t get that it was a milking ‘sound’ (squirt?) until you clarified that the cow was being milked. “Over and again I cried, but the storm wouldn’t have it. I was not able to summon Papa to the barn, and he did not come” – This is just fantastic, what an awesome idea, the thunder actively preventing the boy from summoning help, it’s very clever and so effective, great work. And the tension here is great. You say that the boy can see a face, but there is no description of it. Also, was that only when the lightning flashed? Even then, I would expect to read his thoughts about what the face looked like. “Her round face lit as she came toward the doorway” – how is it lit, what light is he seeing by in between lightning flashes? I think we need a reminder of what time of day it is and what the lighting conditions are. It’s more shadowed in the barn, of course, but I’ve lost my bearing on the lighting levels outside. “see if he know knew anybody” “I guess that seemed small to me” – I'm not sure what ‘that’ is in this reference, when there seems to be only one subject under consideration, and yet this is a comparative phrase. I'm surprised that there is no more description of the woman (girl?). We've had a very little about her height and eyes, but he must be able to see more detail than that. “and shortly her voice was shortly lost” “It was damp, and the rain was boiling out of it.” This makes me wonder how it caught so quickly. “wouldn’t stay lit very long otherwise” – don’t see how it would get started in the first place. “And the end of it there were boots.” The end of the floor? There’s something off with the phrasing here, I think. I was surprised he took so long to identify Trahaearn, especially since he had just been with the man. I would have expected instant recognition rather than a description. Open and Closed “Above it was the kettle” – you refer to flames and stumps, both plural, but have singular here in the following sentence. “like a newspaper” – I come back to period of the setting here – would he know what a newspaper was? “and I don’t know whether my face existed before” – missing word? I enjoy the symbolism of the boy dropping the stones into the well, and of them not being for throwing / skimming on the pond, very poignant. “I looked at myself in the water, and it I was young and familiar” – or, “I looked at my face in the water...” “How to do you feel?” “I’d say she was entirely unpleasant, sir”

I'm with King on not showing Leni in the first chapter. I think you need that layer of mystery. I take Mandamon's point about feeling that I'm waiting for something, but I don't see the harm in that for the first chapter. Maybe Leni has been whisked away (whoosh of air), by an angel and we won't see her for ages. If that is your tactic, it really builds up the significance of their first meeting (reuniting) in the book, but maybe she will be back in the morning. If so, I would imagine you have show a scene with the sisters together or it will start to feel like Leni is deliberately being hidden - which would be weird. Anyway, to your questions: - How much of a feel do you have for each of the characters? How old do you think Giselle is? I really only though about Giselle, I would say 11 or 12. I never felt she was any older, although I do mention certain dialogue coming over older, which felt off to me. The mother is a solid motherly character, unremarkable. - How much of a feel did you get for the setting? I think more description needs in places, not screed, but some details sprinkled in. The word 'home' is very unhelpful!! - Was there anything that confused you, or that you didn’t believe. - Yes, Giselle's ability to see fine detail in the dark. - My first drafts are often short on details. Is there anything you would have wanted a longer description of? General setting, but not 'longer description'. A short sentence here and there. 'The sun shone on the cottage's flaking, white paint.' A visual cue here and there. Minor riposte - I didn't mind the sentence on Page 4 - bit wordy, just needs edited.

Detailed comments below, but in summary I really enjoyed this. We get a nice picture of family life as the stable basis for jumping off into some kind of adventure. The clues are there and, clearly, there is something mysterious going on. I think you left just enough hints to engage the reader, but avoided being heavy-handed. Giselle seems like a good character. Even though she is a bit petulant at her sister’s alleged malingering, and with her mother, it’s nothing more than would be expected from a young girl in her situation, and there are signs that she usually happy and well adjusted. I think the writing is good, very engaging – welcoming and comfortable, with touches of humour and enjoyable details that feel right and recognisable from memories of childhood. The girls making a picture of a bird with flower petals, the process of making wax and dye from fruit, it’s background, but it roots the reader in the setting. A couple of points were perhaps slightly lacking for me, setting being one. I think some touches of description would have enhanced the chapter – a highlight here and there with one sense or other. I mention the ‘home’ below and how we have no indication of what it is or looks like. My other point is maybe a tad of wordiness here and there, where pruning would improve flow. I might characterise it as sometimes going over the same point or detail more than once – something I have done myself in the past (hopefully cured). All-in-all, a very nice opening to a story, promising a tale of mortals becoming entangled with the affairs of the ‘angels’. More please! ---------------------------------------------------------------- “imagining that she was driving her blade into her sister’s ribs instead” – awesome first paragraph, instant conflict and intrigue to find out what that conflict is. “out behind their home” – Although there is no setting until this line, I felt very much like they are in a kitchen, purely from the task they are performing, so I was surprised to find they were outside, and I had t recalibrate my already-formed (assumed) impression of the setting. “gotten rid of” – this is cumbersome – ‘disposed’ saves a syllable, ‘buried’ sounds shorter still. “You’re dropping globs of it onto your skirt” – Don’t know if you used the old read out lout trick to test authenticity of dialogue, but I think in a casual setting with a family member, most people drop a lot of words because there is an innate understanding of what is meant. If you were shooting a scene on film (or digital), you might even reduce it to “Look, you’re dropping it!” – but you're not, of course. “speed and precision that came from decades of practice” – another first impression confounded. I assumed that this was a young-ish girl helping her mother in the kitchen, but if her sister has decades of experience, I'm thinking at least 2 or 3, so she must me in her thirties, maybe? – Ah, Zanija is the mother, that’s unclear, I think, because we’ve been talking about the sister. “two empty bucks” – is this a slang term for bucket that I don’t know, or a typo? “but it wouldn’t kill you to show her a little bit of compassion” – this seems like adult language “having an angel’s shadow pass over a person’s was a rare blessing to be sure” – thought this phrasing was awkward – nice idea though. said Reyna, sounding unable to keep the excitement from her voice” – again, awkward and unnecessary. “but it was close enough, and the wind would blow away their creation, so soon enough that it wouldn’t matter anymore” – (suggested because of repetition of enough) “between it’s its noonday peak” “A noise flutter of heavy wings” – something up here. “main part of the home” – I'm not keen on your use of home here. It’s the second instance. ‘Home’ is a word that almost completely lacks all description. Is there a reason that you don’t use cottage or house, etc.? It could be a castle for all that the word ‘home’ tells the reader. How is Giselle seeing things in the house, it must be pitch black, is it not? Even then, seeing his mother’s shape in the bed is one thing, artistic licence maybe, but it was the chamber pot in the corner that made me question this – that must be a dark, dark corner, no? “Was Reyna was right, thought Giselle. Could Leni really be pregnant?” – the sense of this seems wrong – it’s one question, but the first part is a statement. There seem to be a lot of instances of Leni’s name in the preceding paragraphs, I wonder if that part would be improved by simplification. “from her bedroom to the main room near the still-warm stove” – isn’t there a better (more descriptive) word for ‘main room’? Is it the living room? I suppose maybe it’s a kitchen / dining / living room / parlour sort of single room.

Interesting piece, a nice idea, but I'm not sure I ever quite felt immersed in it. Not knowing anything about the participants or what is at stake really, it’s hard to invest in the outcome of the bout. Also, there’s no great threat to the protagonist. Using the parlance of Writing Excuses, things don’t ‘get worse’ for the protagonist before he wins out. I appreciate it’s a very short piece, but I think you still need to have an eye on story structure to generate tension and conflict. Another thing occurs to me, which is that there are no surprises of twists. They’re not mandatory, of course, but I would think it was advisable to use as may ‘tricks’ as possible to make such a short piece memorable. In the end, the arc of this piece seems safe and predictable. In terms of the language, I thought it was an improvement on your last submission, still with the odd issue that others have noted, but a step forward, I thought. Glad you submitted something a bit different. We don’t get a lot of flash fiction round these parts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ “His head was there and now it’s not.” – my first thought was he had decapitated the enemy. “and shatter his away” – suggestion, more direct and less awkward of phrasing.

Yeah, I thought the visions were good. I suppose it would be a bit much for her to have visions and dreams of Serena (she did have one, or a recollection, at least). I wonder if there is a way to merge the two and still have the vision be effective, hmm, not sure about that. Maybe just recollections of Serena, or hints at her strange tendency towards the dark side and her attempts to hide it from her family? Not sure to be honest

Details below, but I did enjoy passing some time with Ori and Rilan again – even though I knew the story. This said, I had forgotten many of the details past about half way or so, and therefore it was still enjoyable. The reveal and the conclusion are satisfying, the plan reasonably dastardly. I like that it was not the world at stake, as that is too common (maybe not in short fiction certainly), but that the stakes were more economic and political. All-in-all, a very good job! ----------------------------------------------------- “gave an ineffectual tug at the dress” – is it? I felt like there was another word – self-conscious, because, why is the tug ineffectual – what effect does she expect the tug to achieve? “it had been nearly lunch the day before. When had he last eaten?” – there’s a bit of Billy Boyd in everyone “and stuffed it over his head” – stuffed, not ‘hauled’ or ‘pulled’? Stuffed is a pushing motion, which sounded odd to me. “caught up to his old friend in three large strides” – suggestion: long strides “The Mayor's own special guard” – This feels repetitious because the special guards met him at the transport ground, as does this “One of these was the one waiting at the portal for you”. “and the gather maji” – other maji? “and he clutched at her before he fell” – this sounds like he fell. “could result in a portal opening on the other side of the universe” – sidebar: this seems to offer an interesting premise for another story. I wonder if there might not be a foolhardy adventurous sort of majus who would go through a random portal just for the hell of it. I presume that they would always be able to get back? The difficultly, I suppose, being that they might travel to the centre of a mountain / volcano / iceberg / cold vacuum of space? “but Shiv desert me if you can do more without collapsing” – I stumbled over this phrase first time, although I see what you're going for. “He was transferring the way to make the change, not actually making it” – so, is the transfer not the same change, or maybe that’s not a change, but it seems like the same thing he did to the other majus. “his old friend's back stiffen” – I’ve never thought of Rilan as old – early 30’s maybe? That’s not old from where I'm sitting!! But I guess you mean ‘friend of long standing’, but I thought it came across to me like she was 50/60. “Kashidur City city owes you a large debt” “The Mayor finally managed” – I don’t see a reason for capitalising ‘mayor’ here. I got the impression that Rilan froze the guard’s arm, but I wasn’t sure how she knocked him out. “The echoes of the guard's last sentence still echoed very” “I believe we are to be due a meeting with Mayor Nandara” – seems to me that, before, they were going to the Council, whereas this phrasing suggests that they’ve got a formal appointment with the mayor, but they’ve just come from him. It felt disjointed to me. “I didn't... You couldn't have…" The Mayor spluttered” – For me, he caves in too easily for a seasoned politician and coercer of those around him, which is the impression I have of him. The mayor seems awful dense for someone who reached such an exalted position in the way that he just crumbles under some very light interrogation. I can see the criticisms of others in relation to the ending to the story, but I've just been to see "The Big Short" (really excellent film, by the way, go see it - entertaining, but scary), the outcome being that I am absolutely prepared to accept the lengths to which certain people will go when motivated by sheer, unadulterated greed.

Well, it’s been quite a journey over the last 63 chapters, and I feel that I’ve ‘put the boot in’ on a regular and consistent basis – sorry! Before I go into this last submission, I want to make it clear that I have been entertained throughout, and only frustrated because of the clear potential for the story to be significantly improved in the second(?) draft. I guess I wish I was reading that second draft, but I'm happy to have the opportunity to comment, and hope it has been helpful. Whatever the need for revisions in the edit, you’ve achieved a great thing, you got to the end of a novel and should be congratulated for it. Well done Here we go then!! Chapter 60 “She had to stay focused” “getting out of her this alive” “not to the mission at end” – awkward, not sure what sense you’re going for. Stephanie is humming and hawing for some time and Rewer is just standing around transfixed? I wasn’t convinced by that. “seconds before the rocket exploded” – seconds are quite long in a situation like this, I imagine the RPG would explode immediately. “Stephanie felt the blast lift her off the ground” – Quite a distant expression – I thought “The blast lifted Stephanie off the ground.” – more immediate. Words like ‘felt’ and ‘seemed’ always have this distancing, slowing effect. I'm trying to teach myself to avoid them. Why does she smell Rewer in this moment – is he suddenly closer? I thought it was odd timing, when she should be thinking about the blast. “goo of oil leftover from the exploded golem” – again, immediacy. Cutting out words is a good mindset when going through an edit. “Stephanie said as she produced her lighter in her hand pulling it out of her pocket. “So to speak.”” – where else would the lighter be? And the rest of the sentence adds nothing, in my view. “was done hearing listening to him” “She thumbed the lighter into a small flame appeared and let it the metallic lighter fall onto Rewer’s oil-stained lap.” Is that it? I can’t believe Rewer dies so easily that I'm expecting him to resurface before the end. If not, then it seemed far too easy, there was no real combat, no struggle. I didn’t feel it with the golems, as they didn’t attack any protagonists, just ruffed up Renfield a bit. I think maybe I was expecting our heroes to be on the point of defeat, but somehow it never felt that way to me. Chapter 61 “From the live life he had lived” then “was a pretty good bet” then repetition of “brimstone” within two lines – ugh. “was an particularly unmistakable brand” – I think it’s unmistakable or it’s not. ‘Particularly’ is a 5-sylable word and just slows the whole thing down. “His eyes shot open to see bright white light shining down on him with sea blue walls making up the room” – awkward phrasing – the writing really shows here. “Until Bannister’s face glowered over him.” – not a complete sentence. “Renfield looked down at the hospital bed encasing his body” – this is a weird image – I wouldn’t have thought twice if it was the sheets encasing his body. “Three of my ribs sting” – How does he know it’s three – I'm pretty sure I couldn’t count how many of my ribs stung. “That’s for the first time you almost died!” – I don’t buy this emotional reaction from Evelyn towards Renfield. For me, there has been no sign of any affection between them up to now, so this sudden, heartfelt faux-anger felt false to me. I fear something similar might arise at the end between Renfield and Stephanie. I know there have been ‘curious’ feelings/thoughts arising within them during the latter part of the story, and I always felt that cut off very quickly. If a person ‘fancies’ a person, they know about it pretty quickly for the most part, I would say. Why is Renfield bothered about where he is – he doesn’t know who won the fight, does he? Stephanie could be dead for all he knows. “Renfield pleaded” – very weak – be a man, ffs. “Their lips grew closer as Renfield jerked the divider shut” – what just happened? And what is his hunger and the fly about? I know he eats insects, but there’s no way he can catch it, is there? And if he did, it’s not going to satisfy any kind of appetite. Chapter 62 “Stephanie cut him off. “I’m sure our questions can wait until then.”” – So, she didn’t cut him off. Her conversation with Sean seems confused to me, but mostly grammar-wise. “someone came very close to replicating that experience” – I never felt that they did, due to the lack of threat in the ceremony, as mentioned earlier. “So now that everyone’s one big, happy family,” Stephen said. “What now?” – Does he buy it? Judging from the vampires that attacked them in the park, I'm not sure that is quite the case – i.e. the refugee thing. Seems to me there are a bunch of vampires out there who won’t go along with this truce. “how much she relied on Renfield” – Eh? Why? When? What exactly has he brought to the table, other than running away from stuff? I don’t see his value at all. I'm trying to think of something that he did that was special. One of the WE tips is to make your protagonist really good at something that comes into play to save the day, I don’t remember seeing what that was with Renfield. “as her eyes swept around the empty conference room.” – weird ending to the chapter. I felt like the two parts of the sentence were reversed. Chapter 63 “with the supposed monsters supposedly in this room” – they’re definitely in the room. “not when Stephanie entered the room door” “some other bodlily fluid.” Bannister scoffed. Stephanie wrinkled her nose. “Ewww. That’s gross.” “You’re embarrassing us,”” – Yes, that is all rather embarrassing. What’s the point? It doesn’t seem in character for Bannister. “Except on full moons.” Again, we know he’s very touchy about this when Renfield brings it up. Why would he bring it up himself? “I’m working for the Man now,” Renfield said. “I’m respectable now” – I really think this has more snap without the word repetition. “Evelyn looked to the door, and to the person who had just passed through it” – implies walked through the wooden door, as opposed to the doorway. “As he lingered off into sleep” – not the right word, that implies not going to sleep. “He dreamed of a past he had made peace with” Who came into the room?? Or, wait, was Evelyn looking at Stephanie? But she had left already – this part is confusing. Epilogue “Irving wandered through the wilderness of not only Texas, but his mind as well.” – cheesy, with extra words at the end. “It took him three hours to get to find reception” “But you’re . . . you’re dead” – soap opera levels of cheese. “What . . . . what do you want” – This could be from an episode of Scooby-Doo. “That’s something gratitude” – I’ve picked this one line out, but the epilogue is almost unreadable due to the number of typos and grammar-crashes. I like that you finished up with this ‘sting’ featuring Irving, but Serena’s appearance felt weak to me. Considering that she is ‘playing the part’ of Dracula, she lacks any kind of menace. Imagine if Dracula himself had appeared at the end – that could have been really chilling. I'm not suggesting it, but trying to draw the comparison. Serena is what, an 18-year-old Goth girl?

You can indeed rely on that

Well, if you insist. I'll track my thoughts and email you. Bearing in mind of course that this will just be my opinion!

I'm not going to line edit, but I felt that the grammar etc. could be tidied up. Also, the style is very wordy, and the two issues together resulted in me getting a bit impatient for the narrative to progress enough for me to learn what the situation was. I gather from other posts that English is not your first language. That certainly makes this a good achievement, but I have to say it does show in some of the word choice and grammar. Alfred seems to have a very hot temper, as does the harbourmaster (one word). They came across as quite similar, I would have enjoyed a bit more nuance in their characters in this initial exchange. Also, I found the narration rather disorienting. The narrator is amused by the situation, and yet neither of the main characters is, which seemed odd to me. “not an unusual situation for Alfred to find himself into in” “He usually has had to distract one of them” – tense confusion, and again “how close and prepared the guards are were” “as exciting as it was” – Alfred seems particularly unlikeable. As annoying as the harbourmaster is, if Alfred has been lingering and arousing suspicion, he has to expect some kind of reaction. That he is excited at the thought of slaughter what appear to be innocent, if over-officious, men is very off-putting. I'm not engaged by characters who have a casual disregard for human life. “His eyes couldn’t keep up with the pace of his movements and the world transformed into a spinning spiral of colors” – suddenly we’re in the pov of the harbourmaster – that’s really quite disorienting. The last part of the submission is really labouring the point about the impact on the harbourmaster. On the evidence of this start to the story, I would not be encouraged to read any further. For me, Alfred is completely unsympathetic, and I haven’t found any interest in seeing where his need to vengeance takes him. My impression (rightly or wrongly) is of a rather violent story which does not offer much in the way of character development, and on that basis, I'm pretty sure I would put it down, or be planning to unless the next part did more to engage me. I see from one of your comments on the thread that you intended Alfred to be bad - mission accomplished! The difficulty is that leading with him might turn people off before they get beyond that, assuming that he's the protagonist - as I did.

I admire your confidence King, but I suspect the reality is that there are many great books sitting in drawer, unseen. I don't mean to sound downbeat, and I certainly have no great experience of publishing, but I go by what I have heard in listening to 11 years of Writing Excuses. Of course you must be confident, but beware of complacency that writing a good book is enough on it's own.

I was 75% of the way through an edit and realised there were issues I wasn't happy with. Ho hum - darn that quality control ;-p

As it turns out, I'm not going to post, so we're at 5 anyway.