Robinski

So....many.....LBLs. Must. Resist. Temptation. To. Comment, even-though-I-desperately-want-to-pick-at-all-those-annoying-details. [To be read in a William Shatner, Captain Kirk voice.] Comments: (page 1) - I'm swamped in details that I can't quite get a grip of. Spores, fungus: okay. First half of the page I'm okay with, we've got fungus and bipedal species. Then he ambassador starts speaking, and I'm straining to keep up, but still managing. I lose it though at the end. I don't know what G4 is, invitations, I'm a bit confused. I'm still processing mushroom people, Nk, and El and then Mn. It was clearer on the second read. I mean the narrative is good. it moves quickly, I get a good sense of the distraction, the negotiation. I think it's just tidying up. (page 2) - "How much longer would you estimate your planet will remain in our system" - In critiquing the first trilogy, and then Book 4, I learned, over the course of many months to stop caring about the scientific details. However, here was are again at a new baseline, and so I will revert to type. A new planet coming into a solar system must surely affect the gravitational and orbital dynamics of the system. Maybe not immediately, and maybe not dramatically, but it strikes me that after a year, they might find that the following year is a day short, or something, I don't know. I'm not an astrophysicist, but I still thought to ask the question, so maybe others would. - "“Uh. That.”" - I know this is trendy modern speak for agreement, but it's not immediately clear, IMO. Maybe if it was its own paragraph. - "slapped the biofilm through her robe" - Great detail. I presume this is her silencing the ringer? (page 3) - "emitted a quacking noise" - ROFL, but would any of these people know what a quacking noise was? - "G4. At the palace. Here to meet her." - I don't know about new readers, but for me, her being amazed about this isn't enough to get me excited about it. I vaguely remember this dynamic, but it doesn't really resonate with me. It feels like telling to me. Okay, we get the reminder/explanation shortly afterwards, so the effect is not long-lived. And then the description, the dialogue in the meeting and first conversation is very engaging. G4 comes across like a fusion of Hanna Solo and Leica Skywalker, maybe with a smidge of Olive Wan Kenobi in terms of G4 approach her later years. Good job. I'd be perfectly happy if this character played a part through the story. (page 5) - There is a verging towards info dump in a couple of the things that At says, just a smidge. I think the 'info' could sound a smidge more natural. - "A group of young third gender gat out" - So, I thought gat was the third gender? This makes it sound like they are the 3rd gender of gat, which is not how I remember it. - "cheeky, for their age" - in other words, completely normal for their age. (page 6) - "We don’t have the strongest history of inclusion for those..." - Very info-dumpy language, IMO. The 'As you know, Bob...' isn't there, but it's strongly implicit in this phrasing, I think. - "Ar the planet had not traditionally kept ‘flares’ in the general population" - Yep, the more you explain, the more info-dumpy this gets. The youngsters passing felt quite natural, but we don't need this information here, do we? I think it's too much. The other effect with info dumps, IMO, is that every additional info-dump is multiplied in its info-dumpiness by the existence of the previous one. I postulate the following mathematical relationship (as yet uncorroborated by quantitative research): 1x Info-Dump Occurrence (IDO) = 1 dumpere (proposed unit of reader dislocation from the narrative); 2x IDO = 4 dumperes; 3x IDO = 27 dumperes: in other words, defined by the parabolic function y = x^x. Different readers will have different tolerance to dumpere levels, but I think a statistically relevant population is likely to be affected by a level in the region of 10 dumperes per chapter. I think this issue here is that At is essentially explaining the historical situation to herself. So that would be butler-and-butler? Or, maid-and-maid, I suppose. - "At turned all business" - this sounds passive to me; almost not in her POV at all. - "It was a history At was determined to overwrite..." - great line - "The shorted g" - typo? I don't understand 'shorted' in this context. - "As can have more than two Ts?" - This reaction feels too late for me. I know the thoughts relating to flares were in At's POV, but still, it makes this feel after the fact. (page 7) - "It’s great that you don’t just randomly kill people anymore" - Would G4 know that this was the case? - "Did you just tell me to hush?" - great banter here, or great bants, as we would say in Glasgow. - "kid who was only a few days shy of zir twentieth birthday" - Hmm. 'kid'? Don't buy that. My perspective is human, and I would not think of a kid as being 20 years-old. - "I’m going to be on that ship" - The so-called kid's voice chance dramatically in just a couple of lines, to the point where I'm stretching to believe this is the same person mumbling at the start of the paragraph. - Pronouns: for some new readers, this will be a baptism of 'zir'. Interested to see the reactions. As an 'old' reader, I had no issues. (page 9) - "E get another when they enter their 3rd D" - I think we're running at 256 dumperes by now. I'm calling the CDC hotline. (page 10) - "This time, without At distracted, their minds" - Sounds out of POV, and yet, not in any POV. Sounds wrong to me. - I dislike having three paragraphs for three nouns. I don't think this moment deserves that. It's not like Ferdo is trying to cast the one bling into the Crack of Dumb. These emotions don't have any relevance to the plot. - "Throne room" - Maybe I'm tired, maybe it's the whisky, but I started skimming the description. - "The other woman did not let go" - They're....still holding hands? That's weird. That must be 5, 6, 7 minutes, more? That's just odd. (page 11) - "put both hands on her hips" - So, she's let go of At's hand then? - "I didn’t come here to tourist" - You can get away with this sort of 'hip' subversion of a noun once, but this is the second time (in the same chapter), and it was a different character who used it on Page 4 (At). Using it twice like this, IMO, seems like forgetting that it's been used already. I'd say it would work if it's used in a knowing way, i.e. G4 calls out At for using it, such as 'I didn't come here to...tourist, as you so glibly put it before.' - "We have moon rent due to sentient fungi" - ROFL. (page 13) - "the isolation bred from Ri breeding centers" - Double bred/breed awkward. - Why are there extra blank lines between paragraphs here? - Sal's demand to At is, really, really...insensitive? Unrealistic? Drop everything and abandon your life? Even if At wasn't a god, this would be presumptuous in the extreme. I'm now irked at Sal. - "You’re going to take some time off if it kills you" - I'm struggling to see G4's motivations in this. Also, I'm presuming that jealousy is completely alien to Em? (page 14) - "most mentory-way possible" - No place for a hyphen, IMO. - "You were meant to be in a spaceship" - I'm not moved by this speech. I'm incredulous that G4 would make this journey for this purpose. I don't buy that At is in such poor shape that such an intervention was required, and that Em could not pull off this kind of persuasion her (their?) self. - "knock you unconscious and take you there myself" - What is G4's motivation? I don't understand it. (page 15) - Yeah, it's a pretty dramatic end to the chapter, but I just don't have any conviction in G4's motivation for trying to drive At to this, where there has been no appreciable relationship between G4 and At before now, not really, and a crush doesn't count. I don't imagine G4 has been on page for more than maybe 10/12 pages in the four books to date? Yes. Not really, IMO. Because I don't think it shows the stakes. It tells the stakes, maybe a little, maybe hints at the stakes, but 'Ooh, you're looking kind of pale and burnt out, are not the stakes that are going to support a novel. I don't think it's a new reader think. I think it's a reader thing. Overall Good tone, bang on, but it's the stakes I've got no conviction for. Promises to the reader? None that I can see, none that I would want to pursue through 250 pages. You're welcome

Weekly Reader/Reading Syndrome: the difficulty of waiting for a week before getting the next chapter of a story, and tending to forget details in the interim, due to not being able to keep reading.

Comments. (page 1) - First line is rather passive. Is W opening the door? Suggest you make them active in this. Also, does the handle squeak, or make some noise? Or, show W being competent and smearing some grease on it in case it makes a noise, or some sap from a nearby tree. Super competent, and more interesting/active. - "perfectly puffed pillows" - alteration throw-down; three to beat. - "stuck their tongue out" - Huh? Why? Also, this second paragraph is a bit jumbly, doesn't flow well, IMO. - "Holding an illusion for the environment around them, and a concealing glamour around their body" - What is the illusion doing? Confused. Why is it needed if their appearance is glamoured? - "would have garnered suspicious...?" - missing word - "Life was so much simpler when they could use glamours or illusions to boost their disguise, instead of leaning on their magic to provide it" - Confused again. So, are glamours and illusions not magic? And is their disguise physical/real then, since it requires boosting? I'm not following all the different things going on here. It's too complicated, IMO. - "There were many columns in the mansion’s master bedroom, holding up the arched ceiling" - Architecture problem: an arch is a structural element that, by definition, has no internal supports. Kind of the point of ceilings is to avoid having posts and columns, and most rooms will not be big enough to need internal support, especially not a bedroom, which is unlikely to be a big enough span that normal floor joists / beams would not be able to span without support. (different-types-of-ceilings) - "found the one that with an almost invisible crack" - typo. - "sticking their stiletto under a small gap where the cauking was missing" - (1) into a small gap, I'd say. How do you put something under a gap?; (2) 'caulking' - sp.; (3) caulking is a waterproof sealant, but this is not a bathroom. Grout would be the usual substance used to fill the gaps between floor tiles, in my experience of re-grouting both our kitchen and bath floors. (page 2) - "leveraging the heavy tile upwards" - levering. As a verb, leveraging is something you do in business, using borrowed capital to make another investment in the expectation that the returns will be greater than the interest you have to pay on the original loan, leaving you with a profit. IMO, this is the only meaning of leverage as a verb. - "Each One lock pick was enough to earn W the death penalty if caught" - "resources the BK had spent to find the location of locate the crystal" - Simple is best, usually. (page 3) - "gone out, and nearly gotten himself assassinated..." - Ahhhh. This is a satisfying callback to you-know-when. - "tisking silently" - I usually see it as 'tsk' and therefore 'tsking'. Also, I'm not sure it's 'tsking' if it's silent, since the word is onomatopoeia that comes form the sound itself. Taking away the sound and how can the word still apply? - "glamours and illusions" - Why both? I don't understand. - "to reset the chest and tile" - There was no mention of a chest, W took the crystal from the hidden compartment. Oh, is that the lock they were picking? Better mention the chest, or removing the chest and mention a locked door. - "There wasn’t time to reset the chest and tile, not if they were going to be able to slip the rubbings into the right vase as backup in case they were caught" - A smidge overwritten, IMO. - "Leaves us all the time in the world" - Awkward using two phrases that centre around the word time, one after another. - "stirred into motion" - But lame. I want more drama, more agitation: uproar, stramash, frenzy, outrage! - "had excussed himself" - typo. (page 4) - "Ir paused to ask a servant for directions" - Once you establish we're in Ir's POV, you don't need to use her name again, unless another character comes into it, and then to reassert her POV. I think it's a lot more immersive if you just use the female pronouns. I think it makes the POV feel close, or maybe rather makes the reader feel close to Ir, that the don't need to be reminded of her name. They are not going to forget that. - "Silently cursing the idiocy of the rich" - Cheap shot. The (so-called) rich are not any more idiotic than 'non-rich' people. 'Non-rich' people might (and I'm pretty sure do) have just as many dumb ideas, but perhaps don't have the funds to implement them. In this case, a struggling cooper might attempt to supplement his/her income by producing huge uncomfortable seats from old barrels. The particular bad idea does not rely on being rich to implement it. Lowest common denominator philosophy is not, I think, a good way to convince an editor that an author has interesting things to say about life, and the human condition. - "Her back gave a satisfying pop" - Yaaaargh, <cringe>. - "How much room did one family need?" - How big is the family? How large is the extended family? How often do they entertain? Do they run retreats, host wine holidays, multiple day tasting tours? Maybe the put up the harvesting crews. I'm sure they do. Not in the main house, of course. - "now covered in ants" - lovely detail. (page 5) - "If they was discovered" - grammar typo. - "the BK would be caught as well. His entire entourage could be in trouble" - No, I don't buy this. Okay, the BK will be caught, and would be embarrassed, but he's the king, he can do what he likes. No one is going to impeach him (for example ). Imagine the FSB (Russian domestic security service, their FBI essentially) getting caught bugging some Russian business man? Boo-hoo. Would Vlad Putin be embarrassed? I suspect not. Incident brushed under the carpet, move on. - "What would happen in B if the R got wind..." - Yes, okay, but BK has put down one attempt revolt already. I don't think he really faces any real threat from the rebels. - "Heart hammering, she starred at W" - Typo: 'stared'. - "whatever disguise was hidden under the bush" - Okay, I get that using glamour and/or illusions is taxing, and a physical disguise will be required sometimes just because of the logistic and cost of magic use, BUT, was it not mentioned when they broke in that W was wearing a disguise under the glamour+illusion? Doesn't that imply they changed from one physical servant disguise into a different physical servant disguise in order to break in? Yes, yes! Because they were thinking that it would look 'odd' if a servant was spotted on the roof. So, why have they gone to the trouble of changing from one servant disguise into a different one? This seems bizarrely overcomplicated, OR, I'm misinterpreting something. - "“What can I do?”" - I do like her proactivity, and I believe that she would do this, always ready to help anyone in need if she can. - "Too soon, the entire place would be being searched for whatever valuable" - Awkward > 'be being'. 'Any moment, Gre would start turning the place upside down searching for...' (for example). (page 6) - "clambered over the ugly barrel bench and onto the roof. ” " - Stray inverted commas at the end here. - "who W most certainly stole from" - confusing: Gre or the wife? And how does Ir know this 'most certainly'? (page 7) - "Guests were milling about, watching the drama Gr’s wife was causing with venomous eagerness. The rumor mill was already turning. She mimicked the servants and waiters, trying to look like she too wanted to avoid confrontation." - Okay, I feel I've been commenting a lot on this recently, and so I using this as a more general example, if you don't mind, @Snakenaps. I think that when one uses a name, or demarcates a clear individual (Gr's wife), the next pronoun needs to reflect that. So, in this case, I think 'She' sounds as if it refers to Gr's wife. In this case, I would replace 'She' with Ir. However, if there is no other character being referred to, or even no other female character in the scene, it's only necessary to refer to Ir maybe once per page, and use general female pronouns almost exclusively. I think that makes the narrative more personal, puts the reader as close as possible to Ir's thoughts, because, clearly Ir will not think of herself by her name, but rather in terms of general pronouns (she, my, etc.). - "griffin guard came down the line" - Who does the guard work for? - "neatly folded in her waistband. she wiped her clammy hands" - typo: missing capital. - "No one knew what had been taken" - Someone must know if they're searching for paper tucked in a waistband. (page 8) - "I just got to make sure that none of them are secretly spies from another winery" - (a) 'I've just got to make sure'; (b) I think secret goes without saying. Wouldn't be a very good spy if they were in public. - "His eyes passed over Ir without a second glance, just like they had done to everyone else. W had told the BK she had the scroll, right? Or did he not know?" - I think these lines are contradictory. First sentence, fine, no issue; (a) this wording I struggle to associate with the movement of eyes: it's the word 'they', I think, which sounds like the gender neutral pronoun in this case. If it was me, I'd word it as 'the same as everyone else', I think, removing the pronoun; (b) These two questions are misleading, or maybe rather dense. The BK would be insane to give an sign of recognition to Ir in this situation. She cannot draw conclusions to either of those questions, because the BK's reaction to her would be the same whether either answer was yes or no. - "She sincerely doubted they were simply charms to improve wine, but the Black King wouldn’t be interested in something like that" - This second thought follows directly from the first one, it is not contrary to it. - "Had they taken the trip just for this information?" - Now this is a smart thought. I'm not sure it has the impact is deserves, because of the wording. Just to play around with it, for suggesting purposes, 'Had the whole trip been for just this one piece of information?' - Here are three words that all stress the premise of the question, building it up so that it sounds more like a key discovering on Ir's part. (page 9) - "These thoughts tumbled over and over her mind" - I didn't get the sense of this thought on the first read through. - "It’s ridiculous what the rich will get their tails in a knot over." - Consider it another way. Gr's whole business is dependent on his commercial secrets. Imagine if someone broke into the Coke laboratory and stole the formula? You'd expect them to react in order to protect their business. It's certainly not a disproportionate reaction, IMO. - "as she missed the well-loved topic" - I don't understand the meaning here. - "She hoped J thought that most of her worries were over her family, and not about something else" - Why 'most of'? Doesn't add anything, IMO. (page 10) - There are a few contradictory statements on this page: (1) - "It was pitch black outside, except for the occasional lantern" - Hmph, I mean not really pitch black then. (2) - "could see an equine form lit by one" - I feel it was pitch black, she would not be able to see anything. Pitch black, for me, is being in a cellar with no light. (3) - "Except for his silhouette, the BK melted into the night" - But being silhouetted is the exact opposite of melting into the night, it's being illuminated for all to see. - "a touch of curiosity, of excitement" - I feel this is a nicely timed reveal, after her acting to aid W instinctively. It's a good place for such a realisation, here at the end of the chapter. (page 11) (4) - "The sounds of a sleeping city echoed around them" - If the city's sleeping, what sounds can she hear? - "getting any answers for a project" - I'd say 'answers about a project' - "this entire trip had been orchestrated for that tiny scroll of charms" - She's asked herself this exact question before, so this repetition doesn't sound right. I think she needs to 'reconsider' this point, acknowledging in the phrasing that she has asked herself before, probably only an hour ago (or two?). It's as simple as 'So, had the entire trip been orchestrated...etc.' - Oh, it's the last line of the chapter. That really doesn't work for me when asked herself this question before. Been if she hadn't, it still doesn't work as the last line of the chapter, IMO. Overall I really do like this chapter. Honestly, I can't tell a great difference from when I read it before, but that's neither here nor there, I think. I recognise that Ir has more agency, and I do like her taking the initiative, then recognising afterwards that she's less scared of the BK, acknowledging her curiosity. Good stuff. It really does open up a door for Ir's progress as a character. There would be no harm in her forming a fascination with the work that W does. That really would propel her forward, but either way, I'm happy with this.

So, self-preservation then is an addition motivation, and a very powerful one. Maybe it's not what you want as the second motivation, as it's pretty generic, almost a default motive of (almost) any living being. Okay, here's something....weird? This just popped into my head and it's maybe a bit whacky, but it strikes me as being quite unusual as a character motivation. One form of revenge against her family would be to make a family that excludes her godly heritage (since they abandoned her?). Have a child and bring it up as human, embrace mundanity, shun omnipotence. While that may be interesting to write (well, I think it would be, but see my earlier concern that it might be a bit weird). The danger, I suppose is that it potentially shunts the book in a direction that is not what you would wish to write. Even with this as a secondary motivation, it would seem logically to point to her pursuing a husband to breed with as she promotes rebellion let, right and centre.

Nah, any line's a good line. Nothing ruined at all

Thinking of a different shop...

I don't qualify. Also, yet.

Comments. I know you said you have not edited properly but, if it's fit for me to read, it's fit for me to comment on Probably still one of my top ten movies of all time. The epitome of cornetto art. (page 1) - What a great first line. I am on board for the first page at least. I would not capitalise 'emperor' personally, because they are not named, so it's just some emperor. - Solid opening paragraph. I've got a snippet of character, enough to draw me onwards. - Again, I don't see any purpose in capitalising emperor, or emperors. The plural applies to many emperors, not any specific one. - "to the caravan" - I have an issue with the word 'caravan'. It's expressed as fitting four of them rather snuggly, but a caravan is not, historically, a single vehicle, but a line of several vehicles. This then makes me think off... (page 2) - "When we arrived at the river, the wind had picked up" - Although there is not specific description of place, I can form a working image, and not having specifics puts the focus on the characters. No bad thing in this case. - "a lowly servant" - No, I don't buy this. Surely a lowly servant would not ride in the carriage with the emperor, certainly would not have the gall to speak to the emperor, to offer an opinion, a personal observation?! I had assumed this POV character was some sort of advisor, or captain of the imperial bodyguard. - "as if it was still day one" - This is not a historical phrase. I'd say this was a modern phrase. - "I wanted to tell them" - Who is 'them' in this context? Oh, is it the foreigners? Why would foreigners be present in this situation? (page 3) - ""Watch out, your Highness!” The man accompanying him yelled." - I've noticed a couple of incomplete sentences. Clearly, the underlined section is the dialogue tag that belongs to the previous sentence, and 'the' should to be capitalised. - "caught in the wrong path" - How is the snake caught in the wrong path? I'm sure it thinks that the man is in the wrong path, and it is just going about its snaky business. It was here first, after all. - "sliced the snake in two. It flailed on the rocks and violently slithered away, leaving behind a bloody trail" - If he slices the snake in two, it is not going to slither away. It is going to be dead. - "to begin our way" - being making our way, or being our trip, or make our way, but I've never heard 'begin our way', for good reason, I think. - "dark and alluring" - The attraction of the servant for the master is clear enough, but this here is very telling. You don't nee do tell us the servant finds him alluring, that point is well made. This is heavy-handed. I'd pick another adjective: 'intensely dark', something that shows the servant notices the qualities of the eyes, without robbing the reader of the satisfaction in decoding the emotion. (page 4) - "from one uncomfortable to another" - What? Missing word, surely. One uncomfortable...what? - "Perhaps I didn’t need to" - Surely a servant knows when it is their place to speak, and this is most certainly not. I'm not convinced by the relationship, the huge presumption of the servant. - "rather anxiety inducing" - Modern phraseology. Either this servant has benefited from a considerable education (which seems unlikely) or this is out of place. - "revolt against any that dared challenge his authority" - An act of revolt is made against authority, not against someone who challenges authority. - "hope that he would keep me in his service for as long as he wished" - This does not ring right to me. If the emperor only wished this servant to serve another 5 minutes, that surely would not fulfil the servant's desire. Surely, he(?) hopes to stay in the emperor's service for as long as possible. - "Once you got through the first set of gates" - Tone: this is too much like Rough Guide to Rav, too conversational, and casual, IMO. Suggest deleting 'you got' to restore the tone of detached formality. - "It was a dim evening" - I don't know what this means. Every evening is a dim evening, at that point when they sun goes down, some time between then and it getting, well, dark. Also, which evening it is doesn't change depending when the caravan arrives, it's still the same evening either way, just later or earlier, depending on...things. - "the man who cut the snake" - So, is he a guard, a councillor? I would not expect a servant to know the man's name, necessarily, but my impression is he's a part of the court, so would he not be known to all around? (page 5) - "that rich raw umber leading into another world" - Description to date, meaningful description that would be sufficient to draw a rich tapestry for the reader to imagine, has basically been non-existent. That's okay, but this line here seems out of place, and a little half-hearted in trying to offer any richness in the setting. The set-up is kind of epic, but it reads like an outline of an epic (fantasy, but not) story, which later would be filled in with rich detail of the oaken doors, stained by the sun of five thousand summers, blasted by the rain of five thousand winter, the grain still bearing the slashes of swords and blows of axes from the rebellion of 542, yada-yada. - "Merely a few strides away more and we would be in that familiar garden" - Wrong phrasing for the context. Sorry, I'm harping on about line details, but if a sub has line issues, they are fair game, IMO (This could of course be 'merely a few strides away...from that familiar garden' - "A thunderous murmur resounded in the air" - I'd say thunder, traditionally, is a loud noise, a la 'thunderous roar'. This phrasing seems incongruous to me'. - "I felt the guard next to me grab my arm as he ran towards A" - Overwritten: 'The guard next to me grabbed my arm and dragged me towards A'. There no need to tell us a character feels something. We're in their POV. Everything that happens is something they feel or notice or hear or think. - "made up the roof of the gates" - I don't think gates have roofs. A stone arch maybe. (page 6) - "He had been minorly hit by the wreckage" - Not a word, not a proper word. If trying to evoke a historical piece, using modern parlance, and slang colloquialisms like this is going to be counterproductive. Classical, formal and correct language is the best way to evoke a historical setting, IMO. - I mean, there was lots about the previous paragraph made my teeth grate, the result of which is that it feels very uneven in terms of whether the risk is over, or still current. - "sooner than expected" - Sooner than who expected? And what relevance does this have to the situation? Cut. - "They carried him around the wreckage and deep within the fort to a room where a medical examiner could look over his injuries" - POV issue. How does the servant know this? The servant is not there once the emperor is out of sight. - "I was still on the floor sitting with my own shock" - Floor = inside, ground = outside. - "I was sorry for the unfortunate guard that lay on the cold ground; but I was thankful that His Highness had survived" - Very telling, and kind of bland. - "The guard that saved me" - I didn't get any sense of this. The description said that the guard dragged the servant towards Aj. I presumed that he was dragging them towards the emperor to help him, dragging the servant into the fray to make themselves useful. - "until her hands were bloody" - I don't believe this. - "handing his power over to the rulers in the west" - What rulers in the west? First we've heard of them. Are they related? Foreign interlopers? IMO, emperors do not just hand over power to a neighbour. (page 7) - "where the line was with loyalty" - I don't understand this. Who's loyalty to whom? What kind of line? - "“H,” she said" - I had assumed from the start that the servant was male. (page 8) - The ending is tense, a tad predictable, but no worse for that because--seeing it coming--there is still an element in the reader (I think) saying 'Oh, dear, there's been foul play here, this is bad.' And then it pays off, and I must admit I'm keen to know what happens next. Overall There are some moments of character, of people feeling things, that I enjoyed: the discomfort of the servant with the emperor's touches; the guard saving the servant (although I don't think it was clear that is what happened) and both their hands shaking. But, I really didn't care much about the situation. One emperor, another emperor: what's the different? The closest I came was at the end, with the almost tender moment between the dowager and the servant (who I assume was male for most of the sub). It has the trappings of an epic story, a political drama about the fate of nations, but the chapter itself feels small in scope, very personal, but lacking any detail about the world which is hanging in the balance. I appreciator that, in a maid's POV, such large details might not come into play, but surely when talking about western neighbour taking power, or foreigners in the court, she would think in terms of the names of these countries, and what relations were like between them and her own country? I can understand why we're in the servant's POV, to be a surviving witness, and able to go unnoticed, which can be very effective. My concern is how the servant plausibly can effect events in this story when she is less than nothing to anyone around her (effectively). I can see that this has potential, but it suffers from what 90% of submissions do, I think: insufficient stakes. Clearly there is an empire at stake, but I'm talking about personal stakes. What does the maid have at stake here? I can see no reason that she would not just be packed off home to her family, or possibly disposed of as witness. Your questions: (1) how engaged you are with the story: - I think I've covered this, but sort of engaged? A bit. My problem is if there are empires at stake, I need to feel like that. This has a kind of stage play quality, where the scenery is made of cardboard. It doesn't feel substantial to me; (2) if you would read on: - I would, mostly because of the final scene with the dowager. If not for that, probably not; (3) I am also curious to know what time period you think this is: - Could be almost anything. Okay, there was a sword; people travel in carriages; a stone arch over a gate; a palanquin. There isn't much to go on really, but the palanquin (from a quick Wiki search) seems to be in use from the 1500s (Henry VIII) through to the early 1800s. Short answer? I don't know; (4) "i do want to go back and be more detailed in my world-building descriptions": Please don't take this as a criticism of you, it's not intended as that, but this point offers the chance to raise a more general issue that has been pertinent recently in the group. If someone submits a piece that is not greatly developed beyond say first draft, or even outline draft, it's difficult to give a fair impression of how involving the story is, and it's difficult to become attached to a story, involved with the story, that is missing a component that is central to what makes a story enjoyable, involving and satisfying. I guess what I'm saying is that I would have enjoyed this a lot more, and been more receptive to it if it had had those world-building descriptions that are conspicuous by their absence. I hope you don't take that as harsh, it's not meant to be. But these details support the story and the characters, and I'm not sure I can give something a fair shake if it's only a sketch of what it could be. Want anything at the shop?

I would watch that, I suspect, or start at least. Having Ewan McGregor in it will give it a sense of heft, I think.

Honestly, I'm pretty much done with Star Wars. IMO, Disney are milking it dry and eroding the legacy of George Lucas (say what you like about prequels, etc.). Star Wars used to be an event, now it's just another, and another, and another. Marvel is heading the same way, it seems. I suppose the good thing is I can maybe go see this movie--for example--and see it as a stand alone. I did enjoy Rogue One a good deal. Quite liked Solo too, unexpectedly.

Hey, @Moshi, Nice to meet you, and welcome to the group. As someone who also has too many hobbies, I can relate. At least I manage mostly to 'ignore' the other ones while I concentrate on writing, although they can cross over, such as when I get a chance to write a song in the context of my writing. You will find others on here who 'art' (like @Snakenaps and @karamel for two), so there is plenty to talk about, apart from writing. For what it's worth, I don't think you are 'very bad' at English at all!! I wish my Spanish was that good. My second language is French (from school, and maaaany visits to Paris), but my cousins live/lived in Spain, and my uncle worked there for decades, so I have been there some too, but really only can order four beers, ask for the time, and ask ?Hablas inglés? I am sure, when we get a chance to read your stuff, we will remember that you are writing in your second language and not give you a hard time over grammar, etc. (Although of course if you were going to publish, a good, solid grammar edit would be necessary, as it is for everyone.) I look forward to reading your stuff at some point

Not at all, I'm sure we all like the attention Yes. I would go for that 100%. I'm sure WE have said more than once that, in the same way that the best POV is the one with the most at stake in any scene, the story is better to start with a scene in which the story actually starts. Usually, I think it's fair to say, drafts tend to start too early, and it's a matter of cutting slack stuff to get to the plot, but I think you make a good point here, I would value seeing the dynamic between the different races before it all goes to heck, so that the change is more jarring, and investing. Oh, is it a long time ago? My impression was around a month or three? There are ways to skip time, with montage-type paragraphs and such. That's a thing that can be overcome by doing clever writer stuff, I feel. Things like this are why we get paid the 'big bucks' , figuratively speaking, obvs. Solid point. I mean, apart from anything else, you might want to change the title if the story is not about 'plague'. I think the way to tackle the concern is to cut, and cut hard into those chapters spent on the station. Easy for me to say, and I'm not saying don't writer those chapters, but.. I'd say write/edit them then try an exercise of cutting each pre-ship chapter down to a (long) paragraph. It might have a different feel, but I will get you to the ship sooner. It might not be that easy, but it would focus on what's important and what's not in those early scenes.

Yippee That's a really strong strategy, IMO, otherwise I think he would tend to dominate S, like not in an overt way, just with his large personality. I hope you got that that was tongue in cheek. When I read whiskey here, my brain goes straights to memories of Dublin WorldCon, which is nice

Comments. (page 1) Chapter 30 - "little sea trunk" - It seems to me that eight weeks' supplies would be way too much to fit in a 'little' trunk. Can't you just say trunk and the reader can apply an appropriate size in their imagination? (page 2) - "hiding her from view" - Whose view? This seems almost like a POV issue to me. (page 3) - "She turned the corner towards P’s XXXX," - missing word. (page 5) - "such a small strike of affection meant nothing." - What is a strike of affection? Odd word, sounds counterintuitive. Strike = bad, affection = good. - "asking sections leaders for reports" - typo. - "covered in lightly with dust" - typo. - "stating his status" - UGH. - "Ir spent the hours walking with J" - Nope. The last reference to him she was sick at the thought of sitting next to him. There's no transition from discomfort back to her being comfortable around him. (page 6) - "right her in her trunk" - typo. (page 7) - "She gratefully took it" - Split infinitive. Sometimes, these sounds okay, occasionally, but often they sound horribly clunky. Infinitives were not designed to be split. For comparison, (1) Gratefully, she took it; (2) She took it gratefully. I think (2) is best, but both sound better than the original, because the infinitive is maintained intact. I think (2) sounds best because, in terms of primacy and recency, it leaves the reader with the word 'gratefully', with is the most interesting and important word in the sentence. - "You opened you trunk" - typo. (page 8) - Since when does J say 'Yeah'? This makes him sound like as teenager, and it affects the mood of the scene, which is very important. Also not keen on Ir saying 'Hey, J'. Same effect, doesn't sound right to me, or appropriate to the moment. - "He stared at view" - missing word. (page 9) - Okay, I don't like J's lack of reaction to what she's saying, and, I also think the balance of the scene, of the romantic progression is off. All she did was kiss him on the cheek. I know it was freighted with more significance because of the context in which the kiss occurred, but still, he might have interpreted it as nothing more than friendly. As I say, because of the context, I think his is just as likely to interpret it as more then just friendly affection. In which case, I don't think he would be so silent here, letting Ir twist uncomfortably as he makes her do all the work while he says nothing. I think he should kiss her in this scene before they start all this talking about this is doomed to fail. 'This' is not a thing yet until he acknowledges it, and returns her affection (i.e. with the proposed kiss). THEN they can start talking about where it's going. - 'scooting' is not a romantic word. This is a romantic moment and deserves a better word, like 'moved closer', even, or 'shifted closer'. Really, these are just neutral words, but 'scooted' is not neutral. - "He bonked her softly on the head" - Seriously? I mean, not to even to for the point about 'bonk' being a euphemism for the act of love, 'bonk' is a horrible word in this situation totally breaks the mood of the scene. This is not her joshing around with Net. You're trying to sell the romance to the reader. Need more sympathetic word choices in this scene. (page 10) - "as he reach up" - typo. - "weaving it through her hair and pulling her closer" - I think it needs to be clear that his hand is at the back of her neck, otherwise this line could be read as him pulling her by the hair. - Okay, this first kiss is good too, and the dialogue that goes with it is suitably sweet and romantic. I maintain my point that something is needed from him before they can have a conversation about there 'it' is going. So, I suggest that he kisses her on the cheek , back before they get into talking about the future of their relationship. - Nice end to the chapter, and a nice chapter, to mingle new romance wit leaving home gives plenty of feels. I don't mind that there is no real arc. I like a travel chapter, and leaving the city for the first time deserves to be acknowledged. Chapter 31 - "something addicting" - addictive. (page 11) - "the man she was more often with than not" - Awkward and confusing. Simplicity is best. - "before kissing her knuckles" - Seriously, romantic word choice would be so much more effective. 'kissing her hand' here, for example. - "had she ben missing" - typo. - "had its trade offs" - trade-offs: needs a hyphen, it's a compound noun. (page 12) - "were at the forefront of every attack" - But those attacks will not all be in Bo, will they? These messengers must have come from all over the continent. (page 13) - Very effective description of the winery. I enjoyed that. (page 14) - "illusioned to be the flight of mundane birds" - great line. - "continuing their use glamours and illusions" - typo: delete, IMO. (page 15) - "throne long enough to be worth investing in" - This does not seem like a bad idea to me. More honest than many politicians, I suspect. - "that she bit her lip when" - Good detail, I like that he notices such things. Suggests to me that he's good at playing the game of politics. Show's him being capable. - "That this entire trip had only been for one" - This is a great line, and it's top class subterfuge that he goes to this length to disguise the fact the he is only looking one name. Well done on that. My problem is, for this to be effective, whoever is watching needs to be aware of him getting all these names. There is not point in him going to all this trouble to hide the fact from Ir, because she's not playing the spying game. So, who is the disguise for? That confuses me, and undermines his strategy, I think. We need to know for whose benefit his strategy is being played. Overall A fair amount of the second chapter is travelogue too, but I'm content that it is moving us forward, and it's good to see the BK in action, and how this links together with W's manoeuvring. I'm hoping that W's POV is still there, and that we get to see something of that change that we discussed previously. I enjoyed this. It continues to get better, IMO.

Happy Hanukkah to yous.

Hmm, I see your point. Suitably admonished, I slink back to the shadows.

Thank so much fo reading, Silk. Good comments throughout, and plenty to think about, but very focused, which is super useful. I will pick up the two poems sometime down the road, but I definitely intend to record what I've retitled 'The Author', as it matches the original syllabolically, of course. I'm now on version three or four of the lyrics, so some of those points have been addressed, but others not, and I will look at those. I've got my Garageband up and running, and mic set up. Just practicing, but I will defo record when I get the house to myself next time. (I don't like playing / recording with other folks around ).

Now then, I drafted that carefully so that the subclass specifically follows 'musos'. Specifically!!

Oh, the twig thing. Yeah, not having read Stormlight Archive, I've never gotten that. But I know it's a thing. I guess it's the same line/thing as 'stick'.

What is that, a black cheerio?

Where's the 'wipes cold sweat from brow' emoji on here?

Okay, (page 8) Chapter 11 - "doing something on a tablet" - How does she know what a tablet is? - "At the foot of her bunk" - I think it's way to soon for 'her' to be feeling like this is her room (previous chapter) and her bunk. It's a strange bunk in a strange room on a strange ship. People don't feel ownership of things until they have spent some time with them. You may think this is a trivial detail, but this is the level of thought that is needed on the details of writing for it to be good, IMO. - "some metal armor like the yellow one" - Can't refer to some armour as 'one'. A suit of armour, yes. (page 9) - "She wore a black cloak" - Not a new paragraph, this is part of the same description of Ser. - "Great. You’re awake. How do you feel?" - The repetition is really clunky. - "He noticed she was awake" - This is the third time her being awake is mentioned. Snip, snip. Cut, cut. - "She stared at him, unsure of what to say..." - It's pretty frustrating as a reader, to be honest. This paragraph is excellent, I really feel her disorientation. This is the payoff of the last 8.5 pages of not knowing her name, and a I really feel her dislocation, her lack of identity. It's well done. My frustration comes from how uneven the writing is. So much of the rest is not as involving or engaging as this paragraph. (page 10) - "sniffed her arm and recoiled" - How long as T been on the planet and never noticed this? Seems unlikely, suddenly, now. - "I’ll get you a new pair of clothes to wear" - Seriously, where in the world do clothes come in pairs? Not a thing. (page 11) - "How did they stand showering in such cold temperatures?" - Does T know what a shower is? - "Sorry, probably should’ve explained better" - There is more human kindness and empathy in this line than in the previous ten chapters. That is one of the large turn-offs for me in those early chapters. I'm not saying don't write villains, but the reader needs something to empathise with at the start of a book, and most readers are not villains. - "so many pairs of these?" - Pairs of what? Shoes? Not very warm. Trousers? Going to make the wearer prone to chest colds. Really. How do you picture these pairs of clothes? - "She wore the clothes" - But people don't just wear clothes. They have to put them on first. - "walked over to a hologram table" - How does T know what a hologram table is? - "how do I know what a hologram is now?" - Hallelujah. She needs to have this thought much earlier, so that the reader can assimilate this way of learning that she has. (page 12) - "Now, you know Nick from the meeting" - There were about six to eight people in that meeting, were there not? That was my image of it, from the description. - “Why are you trying to bring them down? What have they done?” - This here chapter, or rather Chapter 10 and this one should be your first chapters. A lot of readers will not get this far, because they don't know what the heck is going on. This is the explanation that people need way up front in the book to put all the stuff that happens in Chapters 1 to 9 into context. This is the context. (page 13) - "I was going to." - The flow of the dialogue: interruption, explanation, sarcasm, apology, doesn't make sense. His reaction/sniping is way over the top for a simple request for explanation. - "take her back to W" - I agree with an earlier comment that T has basically no agency in this chapter, but I can live with that, because we're learning about her situation. As a rule, though, it's not sustainable for a long time. We need the character we are following to by acting positively, making choices. - "isn’t much of a preacher" - There was not preaching involved. This is what I was talking about best writing earlier. To much of the narrative or dialogue doesn't follow, doesn't wring true, isn't logical, or engaging. (page 14) - "where you ate the galaxies dead?" - For the most part, the grammar is pretty fair, which is not to say the writing is stylish or entertaining, but I've read a lot worse on here. This, however, is a possessive, so it's galaxy's dead. - I like T questioning where she will go from here. This is a real opportunity to shape character motivation for the rest of the story. Important. - "What will revenge get me?" - Oh, this is a great line. What a big question. Deserves to be properly explored. - "There are five Sources" - I did not mind the earlier explanation, because it was part of her learning. To do it twice in the same chapter feels clunky. Having said that..."Hosts are people like you" - we so needed this explanation earlier in the book, way earlier. (page 15) - "How does the kid of a god end up there?" - I like that she's asking questions, that she inquisitive. Such an important fact in a POV character. (page 16) - The ending feels disjointed to me, that last few lines, but I can see where you're going with it. Creating that shocking image of her eating a corpse (she's not going to eat the whole corpse - I would replace the image with her chewing on someone's leg, or something like that). I think it's just the phrasing that isn't working, not the idea. Overall A lot of this chapter is exposition. I thought the first bit worked okay, but by the second bit I had had enough. I appreciate being give the information, but needed it way earlier in the story. I think the chapters with the nasty people in them would land better if we know this stuff first. I mean, there are still huge issues with those chapters, and they very easily can be cut down into one chapter for each POV, but having the context for them is so important, IMO.

Hello, @Lecky Twig. Glad to have you onboard. I'd by happy to read some short stories,. We seem to be getting pretty much exclusively novels through at the moment, so that change of format alone would be refreshing. This does give me the shivers, I have to say. I presume you would read through them before subbing them here?

Thank you, @Sarah B!! I thought this is implausible, so I'm glad you feel the same with your healthcare expertise. What do you think about the suggestion that giving the syringe an SF name would solve pretty much any issue with this?

In a strangely prescient example of exactly what I was talking about above, 17th Shard page totally crashed in by browser, closed the window, reloaded and all my text was still there. Phew!