andyk

I liked the connection forged with Tillian over his dead son. These sorts of personal relationships, the bonding across conflicts, make for a more interesting story. The addition of the baron and his daughter also promises more conflict within Solomon's side, which is intriguing. Other than that, my main comment is that, as with the previous part, I didn't get much idea of what the place or people are like. For example when they're meeting with the baron what sort of place is this? It could be anything from a crude stick hut to a vast stone hall, and without knowing more about the technology and style of this setting it's hard to fill in the blanks.

(Tangent, but...) Re A Dark Room: Mandamon - Yes, I saw it on Extra Credits. I'm not a big computer gamer, but I find the show has a lot of useful lessons for writers because of the way it explores a different sort of storytelling and creative industry. Sometimes the lessons are direct, sometimes they're me going away and making comparisons, but listening to smart people talk about their art never feels like a waste of time. Based on that episode I also tried Candy Box, but I prefer A Dark Room. Robinski: The game does stay slow a lot of the time, and can be frustrating, but once you go out into the forest it's interesting to see how it unfolds.

There's plenty of variety in the action, which is good, and I like that there are conflicts within Paul's side as well as an external enemy. The problem I had was not knowing how any of it looked. I couldn't find much indication of how these people look. Is this a high medieval-style setting? Hairy barbarians in the wilderness? Uniformed soldiers in a more modern style? I couldn't tell at all, which meant I couldn't picture it in my mind, and by a couple of pages in that was a problem. Same with the characters - how are they each visually distinct? I also found the presence of a single pistol confusing. Up until it's mentioned all the fighting seems to be pre-gunpowder, then that appears and so I adjust my view of things, then there's no more reference to firearms for the rest of the scene making me almost wonder if I'd imagined it. If this is the only firearm there then does that mean it's something unusual? If so then it's dealt with very casually. There's a web-based game called A Dark Room (and if you haven't seen it I recommend giving it a go). In that you're given very little information about the setting, its tech level, how things look, and what you can do at the start. As things appear in the game they're often a big surprise, but that's fine because the game is (I think) deliberately trying to jolt you out of the narrative and surprise you. But it's an approach that seldom works in stories, where you're trying to create immersion in the world.

Sorry If I'm about to repeat exactly the same stuff I said last time on this chapter - it's been a while. I like your writing in general. It flows well and you have distinctive characters whose personalities come across well in their behaviour, dialogue and appearance. That's all good. But I struggle with the change of tone here. I know that this chapter represents a big change in both Candace's situation and her view of what's real, but it feels too much, or perhaps just the wrong sort of shift. The first chapter is grounded, gritty, realist if a bit exaggerated in tone, something firmly in the noire realm of modern urban fantasy. The afterworld Candace enters, its appearance, the characters within it, its events and the tone in which it's described, it all feels like something out of a film from the 1950s, despite the presence of more modern cultural references. If your heaven fitted the tone of your mortal world better, or if there was more whimsy in the first chapter, or if Candace brought more of the starting genre with her in her attitude, behaviour and perceptions then it might work, but for me it's currently too jarring. On a practical note, I'm not sure how many of the people attracted by chapter one of this book will still be interested once they get into a second chapter that feels so whimsical. So overall, nicely written, but I think there's a quite fundamental problem with the way the story develops here.

Overall I liked it. It flowed nicely, there's conflict and tension pretty much throughout to keep me engaged, and Candace is fairly interesting. Like jagabond, I think that you could do with showing her bad girl side more - because it's entirely something referred to in vague terms, rather than shown or given detail, it's not entirely convincing. Also, having read the chapters of this you sent round before, this is too long for my tastes for something that's essentially all prologue. Almost everything that's happened in this chapter is about to become irrelevant for a while at least, and it takes a long time to get to the big story shift. One more specific thing: 'there was something undefinable... about the way they moved' - would be better if you could define it, after all she's a seasoned pro, she knows what she's looking at and for.

I'm still enjoying this. It's an unusual enough situation and setting to keep me interested, and generally pretty well written. That said, I wouldn't be much help if I didn't find a couple of things worth changing, so... Like Manaheim, I found the explanations of background things like the hair colour slavery and the magic a bit over-stated. I suggest looking at the places where you've got exposition either in dialogue or in other text and consider whether, if you cut off part of it, it would still get the idea across. If you can do that then I think you'll have stronger world building that feels more like showing and less like telling, and where readers will feel smarter for recognising what you mean. I also agree that both the lives of the slaves and the escape attempt feel a little too easy. The lack of fences or guards, the talk of going off hunting when they were supposedly being kept in terrible servitude - it doesn't quite fit. I thought you could have got more interesting conflict out of their relationship with the hunter. He gives in pretty quickly to them following him, when it might be in his better interest to send them packing in another direction to draw off the hunt. If they had to struggle more to get his help and acceptance that might make the scene more exciting.

I'm really interested in these people and their situation. The harshness of a slave's life and how they cope with it. The magic system based around fruit. It's an intriguing set-up with a lot at stake, and you've evoked it well. I particularly like the way that their metaphors and mythology match their work - the bird eating the fruits of the moon, calling someone 'the hardest bit of wood'. A few things that didn't work for me: Capitalised 'Apples' vs ordinary 'apples' - surely if these things are different then people would have different names or labels for them? You can't hear the capitalisation in the way people talk, and the difference would matter in conversation. There's some repetition in the night-time scene of scene setting and background already covered in the previous scene - that Bel's known for her great pruning skills, the presence of the rotten stumps of trees with the name signs around them. Why does Kisare give in to Bel's bet and her desire to open the box when there's so much risk? I think you could do with being a bit clearer in why she makes this big shift in attitude. But as I said at the start, overall I really like this. Interesting setting, interesting characters, conflict from the start, all nicely presented.

Thanks for the feedback folks. On the whole 'Cadmiae' thing, this is something I didn't make clear enough in the early chapters, and that I keep forgetting to explain here. The Cadmiae is a clan name, something that can be used to refer to an extended family or, as noble houses got established in Rome, to one of those houses. So Murena's house is the House of the Cadmiae. Roman naming conventions being what they were, everyone in the family also gets the family name, so Murena is actually Gaius Cadmius Murena, and Cadmia only gets the feminine version of that name, because ancient Roman women weren't given as many names as the men. Real life example - Gaius Julius Ceasar, the one who got stabbed up in the forum, was one of the Juliae.

The next two chapters in my fantasy novel - I look forward to reading your comments. I'm often editing a few chapters ahead of what I've posted here, so I apologise in advance if this is full of errors you've already picked out in previous chapters. Previously: Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household. Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus doesn't like Rome. Cadmia and Varus have a fractious relationship, not least because Murena seems happier talking to Varus than to his own daughter. The household is facing many challenges. Their house has been cursed. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Murena's wife, Livia, was taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama. Cadmia and Varus have reason to believe that Livius Dama may be involved with the attack against Cadmia. In the last chapter a meeting to attempt reconciliation between Murena and Livia was ambushed. Livia was killed but Varus saved Murena and others from the attackers after giving in to his all-consuming rage. Other characters of note: Sepunia - the most senior servant in the household. Sophia - another servant, a young ex-thief recruited by Varus so she could also act as his guide to Rome. Nurya - Cadmia's tutor.

Th writing was generally good and engaged me from the start. It's a bit too adjective heavy early on, and you use some words that almost always weaken the impact of sentences, like 'slightly' and 'a little'. But there are some good descriptive details, for example the first time he's collected, which was cool. My biggest problem with the story was that Will seemed very passive. He didn't really try to challenge himself or grapple with his situation in his head, and his actions were always dictated by others rather than himself. Even near the end, when he's trying to choose death, he's not acting to let it happen, just not resisting. Making him more active in his engagement with the situation would make him more engaging. Overall I thought it was an interesting situation and the story did a decent job of exploring it.

I'd like to submit again tomorrow.

I think one of the big things I'll need to do is go back and build up the positives of Murena's life, including his relationship with Livia, before things hit the fan. It's clear from the feedback on previous chapters that I need that for the emotional impact, and I think a couple of small scenes could make all the difference. Might need to adjust Cadmia's relationship with Livia too - if she has more positive feelings towards her then that might help here. I'll also work on clarifying the bargaining when I go back. I think it was a bit vague in my head when I started writing, and that's repeatedly showing as a weakness. I've got a better idea now, but haven't fitted in enough explanation (bad worldbuilder, no biscuit) - but that's probably something for edits on earlier chapters, not to to crowbar in an explanation nearly a third of the way through the book. And after the call for more to happen last week I'm glad this has you interested in what happens next. I'd be interested to know what your expectations are.

Previously: Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household. Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus doesn't like Rome. Cadmia and Varus have a fractious relationship, not least because Murena seems happier talking to Varus than to his own daughter. The household is facing many challenges. Their house has been cursed. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Murena's wife, Livia, has been taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama. In the last chapter, Cadmia and Varus discovered that Livius Dama may be involved with the attack against Cadmia. I look forward to reading your comments, and in particular whether this starts to deliver the much-needed pay-off several people have mentioned.

While I'm on a role I'd like to submit again next week, if others don't fill all the slots.

Morning all It's been a couple of months, but I'm back in the groove, so here's chapter 8 of Fire in the Blood. And given how long it's been I'm sure everyone's going to want a synopsis, so... Previously: Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household. Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus doesn't like Rome. Cadmia and Varus don't get on, not least because Murena seems happier talking to Varus than to his own daughter. The household is facing many challenges. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Murena's wife, Livia, has been taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama. Hope you enjoy this chapter. I look forward to reading your comments.

I'm finally back on track with writing and editing, and would like to submit a chapter on Monday.

For me, this suffered from a lack of the sort of details that could have brought it to life. On a character level, many of the characters don't even have names, and we don't get much idea of their personalities or what they care about. That gets in the way of caring about them, as does spending time with so many characters in such a short story. It never feels personal. There was also a lack of detail in the setting. We know next to nothing about the nations, why they're at war or what's at stake. We don't even get a clear impression of what sort of setting this is. Are the armies equipped with swords and shields or rifles and camo gear? What does the pass look like? It makes it hard to picture what's going on. There's an interesting event going on in this story, but without more setting and character the event loses its impact.

I'm interested in the magic system, this business of binding, and in the caste system around hair colour. The hair colour thing in particular is an unusual feature for a world, and one whose implications I'm intrigued to know more about. I didn't have much grasp of the world beyond that. Because there wasn't much description I wasn't clear on the technology level or the style of culture the events were taking place in. More description of the physical environment would also have helped to draw me into the scenes, as I would have been able to picture what was going on. This was heavy on telling rather than showing. Right from the first paragraph you were directly explaining aspects of the world to us - in that case the hair colour caste system - rather than showing them through events or hints. The introduction of General Shane meant you started to put some information in through dialogue, but it still didn't read very naturally. I didn't have much idea of Righor's thoughts or feelings on anything. I'm not saying you should tell us directly, but even his dialogue and actions didn't give much away. That made it harder for me to empathise with him or be interested in what happened. There's a potentially interesting world here, and you've thrown Righor straight into conflict and difficulties which makes things more exciting. As a next step I'd recommend reading around on how to 'show not tell', and try to use more of that.

As with the previous part of this story, I found it generally well written, and with some interesting ideas, but lacking in tension. Things do occasionally go wrong or get in the protagonist's way, but as you've mentioned he overcomes them so quickly and easily that I never feel like there's any real danger. Even at the end, Eril accepts his explanation as valid without much evidence or justification, going from almost killing him to letting him out straight away. It's all too easy. p.4. As with the guards in the previous chapter, the extras here are a little too direct in their expositing. Makes for unconvincing dialogue. 'I remove a single item from my satchel and place it into the casket' - I realise that not telling us what item he's putting into the casket is probably meant to support mystery and suspense, but given that this is from the close PoV of a character who knows exactly what the item is I find that forced and jarring. When the protagonist achieves his goal we aren't given much indication of how he feels. This made me realise that the same thing is happening throughout. There's little indication of his emotional state, and that makes it hard to empathise. Overall, interesting story, but I think it needs more suspense and more emotion. I don't think that keeping the protagonist nameless and without a clear personal motive adds anything, and I think that the story could be strengthened by revealing more about him, and so making him more interesting to readers.

All my comments on this come with the disclaimer that I don't think I read the previous parts. That said, your summary gave me all the information I needed, and I generally found this engaging. It flowed well, and there was enough going on with the caper to keep me interested. I thought that the job so far went too smoothly, too easily - without any setbacks or challenges there was little tension and no reason to doubt that the protagonist would succeed. But I still wanted to know where this was going. A few more specific bits: p.3. 'Just crime things' - this seems a weird and unconvincing response, what criminal would say it out loud? - I'd be very suspicious if I was Cole. p.5. I liked how they got past the guard, but like much of the crime it felt a little too easy. The guard gave in too quickly, without any pressure to let his standards drop. p.9. The guards on the roof - their conversation is clearly meant to show us something of the state of the house and what lies behind it, but it's all very on the nose. Would they really refer to the things they do so directly if this was something they saw every day? Or can it be filtered through more personal concerns? I like this stuff with holding in sound and the flip side of that, having to find a time to release it. It makes the magic interesting, balances benefits and costs, and makes things a little more challenging for the character. p.12. OK, now this second pair of guards are saying exactly the same things as the first did about the tiles and getting them fixed - that grates with me. Could they be more concerned at the sound? Maybe have a different view on who's responsible? Something to avoid seeming repetitive and, again, easy. I'm interested to see where this is going and the other applications of the magic - looking forward to the final instalment.

I've really enjoyed seeing what you're trying to do with this story, even if I've found plenty to criticise. It's been an interesting read, and if I had more time I'd join in the alpha readers and see more. On this chapter, I'm just going to comment on the fight scene. My thoughts on the rest are much like my thoughts on your previous chapters. So, the fight... There's a lot of good stuff going on in this fight description. Lots of interesting little details and variety in what people are doing, which stops it getting repetitive. Saffen's use of the blanket and the fire to escape her bonds in particular showed her resourcefulness. It's sometimes unclear exactly what's going on, an approach some authors deliberately use to evoke the confusion of combat, but I didn't get the impression that was what you were aiming for. As with other scenes, long sentences are probably the biggest problem. To evoke action you want to go even shorter than normal - break sentences up, really cut down on the adjectives and adverbs, let things get choppy and abrupt. I know that's not your style, but leaning more that way will help with action. Once the fight started Marnar initially became focused on what the others were doing, not him, which seemed odd. I think that you can legitimately have Marnar's PoV only show what he's up to, and the same for the others. Out of necessity, people become quite focused in fights, and it'll help show that. Readers will be fine with finding out what the others did later. Saffen's change of heart makes no sense to me at this point. Sudden changes of heart are good and dramatic, and I can see that you've been building towards this one, but I didn't think that it was legitimised enough either in the scene or in her being conflicted in her views beforehand. I could tell from the structure of the scene what she was going to do, but I didn't think it made sense. Also, Teimen's the main named enemy we've got so far and you're killing him off? I was surprised, but not in a good way. I'd bought into the conflict with Teimen, and this left me with a feeling of 'where's the conflict going to come from now?'

Happy Monday to you too! First up, that was a long time spent in a single conversation, most taken up with expository dialogue. There was enough conflict in the situation to keep me reading, but I think you might be better off finding ways to break this up between scenes, and to reveal some of it later. I like the character of Paul - his reactions are surprising yet in most ways perfectly consistent. That said, I'm still finding the tone jarring. I think part of the problem I'm having is with different images of what and who God is. The idea of an Angel of Death serving out murderous justice seems in keeping with an Old Testament, fire and brimstone God, whereas everything else we've seen about this afterlife is more gentle, reasonable and forgiving. Paul, who personifies that gentle reasonableness, is showing no discomfort at the contradiction - he's a gentle, kind man hiring a killer, and I feel like that clash of values needs addressing, whether by him or by Candace. Fine, there's a contract behind all this, but still, is he really so comfortable with it? This conflict in perspectives of what's right is especially noticeable when, on p.12-13, we get to the point of suggesting Candace encourages other people to do the killing. If Candace does that isn't she encouraging others to do things that will damnation them to Hell, by the very logic of this world? That doesn't seem like a fitting tactic for the side of Heaven. I realise that these problems may lie as much in my views on morality as my aesthetic judgement, but I thought it was worth flagging them up. This isn't a matter of how I personally view God (I'm an atheist, so neither interpretation matches my world view), but that doesn't mean my views on what makes right, wrong and consistency won't get in the way of my reading. Oh, and I love the bit where the wings come out. You get both the feeling and practical little details across well.

Asimov's definitely a big influence for a lot of people - some authors even seem to take his laws of robotics for granted as their own starting point for AI morality, which is interesting. And yes, it's surprisingly quiet here, isn't it?

I'm glad that Robinski had a different reaction to the change of tone from me. I like fiction that brings together disparate things, whether it's intertwining different tones or throwing together completely separate ideas. While the differing tones jarred with me on this occasion, if they worked for someone then there's clearly a way to make them work together, which means you've got something interesting to work with.

There's a lot of nice descriptive details in this, but I thought it took too long to get to the point. It was obvious from the start that she was dead and in heaven, or at least somewhere related to it, and I was frustrated at having to get through two thirds of the chapter before that was even pointed out to Candace. In fact it was so obvious that I got annoyed at her for not having a clue. My other big issue is that the tone of the story feels inconsistent. You've got a light, humorous take on heaven, and then a character revealed as an angelic assassin? That doesn't feel like parts of the same story to me. If you're going for the sort of dark, serious tone that an angelic assassin and Candace's background seem to imply then the extended scenes of humorous hippy Paul are too much out of line with that. And the idea that Heaven would appoint an assassin seems out of place in a lighter, less cynical work.