andyk

Here it is - the cover for Riding the Mainspring, which arrived in my inbox this morning. I still need to put the e-book together and get it up on Amazon and other places - should get that done in the next few days. Robinski - I'll email you a copy, it's the least I can do. I'll also be releasing a standalone short story for 99c on Kindle - anybody who came up with a title idea above can have a free copy of that, just PM me your email address and I'll send it over once it's released. Very excited!

As Mandamon said, thanks for sharing this with us, especially when it's generated a lot of tough feedback. I know that can be hard, and just having the guts to face it is one of the most important parts of writing. If you think you have an audience for this don't give up on it. It didn't work for me, but every book has people who don't like it. Goodness knows Dan Brown sells by the truckload, but I can't stand his prose. And you can clearly write, so I look forward to whatever you share next.

I'd like to submit something next week.

Thanks for the feedback folks. I'll mull it all over and get down to some rewriting (once I've done that for last week's submission, which is still in the to-do pile). Looking at the overall pattern, I can see that I've fallen foul of a mistake Writing Excuses, and particularly Mary, has warned us about in the past - not matching the ending to the start. When I originally planned this, the central plot was Mordred's arc towards betrayal due to a sense of rejection. But I also threw in the idea that Excalibur was driving Arthur mad by showing him the lives of all these different Arthurs of myth, legend and history, one of several brainstormed ideas I threw in. But even sticking to my plan the focus shifted, and so I've got this Excalibur event resolution to a Mordred character start, among other issues. Some heavy editing is in order. jParker - please don't hold back on the basis of who you think the audience is or isn't. I'm writing this to submit to a themed issue of a magazine, it's not YA targeted, and frankly I know nothing about my audience beyond the fact that they're sci-fi and fantasy short story readers - any thoughts you have, especially if they shed a different light on this from the others, are very welcome. And on a side note I just finished book three of the Dark Tower - such a good series.

Yet again, I found that the writing generally flowed fine. Other than that... I wasn't surprised that the previous chapter turned out to be a test, but I was disappointed. It felt like the first significant decision that Candace had made for herself - to defy Paul's orders - had actually just been doing what he wanted and expected of her, undermining any sense that she has agency over her situation. And I really, really loath Paul at this point. His treatment of her is inconsistent to the point of being emotionally abusive. If that's what you're aiming for then well played, but if not then I'm curious - what attitude do you want readers to have towards Paul by this point? I've finally pinned down something that's been bothering me from early on, which is that Candace doesn't seem consistent in her attitudes. Take her response to Michael - you say that she's in awe of him, but she doesn't act or talk like it. Is she actually awed and overwhelmed by the situation she's in, holding onto some level of dread and respect for these huge religious figures? Or is she as willing to defy and give cheek to authority as her speech indicates? If this is meant to show that she's conflicted then that's interesting but you might need to show that these feelings are in conflict, not just sitting alongside each other. I liked the stuff in the subway. The conflict of attitudes with Michael and the display of his powers was interesting. That said, Michael's reason to use the subway seemed inconsistent. He doesn't want people to see them flying, but then later he's happy to risk people seeing them fight? And why do this training in an urban area at all? Michael's reference to the fact that Candace isn't the first person in this position was good. It raises the question of what's happened to previous candidates and why they chose Candace, and that's intriguing. At least with Michael I'm pretty sure I'm meant to think he's a jerk.

I'm still enjoying the setting and the writing. That first section definitely works better in this context, though it still felt a little insubstantial to me, I wasn't sure what it added to the story. Though it's worth noting that, ironically given the forums we're discussing this on, I don't read a lot of epic fantasy, and this is the sort of scene that seems to work for that audience. I was in two minds about the section showing Ahma's daily life. On the one hand it nicely showed the details of this world and this character. On the other hand, it didn't seem to move the story along at all, and I didn't come out of it with a very different perception of her from when I went into it. I don't know whether I'm being over-critical because I've got my reading-for-comments hat on, but I wanted things to get moving. Once she started talking with Benam it worked better for me because there was a little spark of conversational conflict, a development of relationships as well as characters. I also found the last scene a bit vague and confusing, possibly because I don't remember who this character is and I'm left unclear about what he's doing. Slightly more of a reminder of that might have helped. Overall, still a cool setting and interesting characters, I just want a stronger sense of purpose to what they're doing.

Once again, I really enjoyed this. The prose flows well, the setting is vivid and interesting, I care about the characters. I was a bit thrown by the gravity-defying magic being a new thing. It may just be that I've forgotten how people reacted in the first chapter, but my impression was that that trick had been done particularly well, not that it was completely new. I like the way that you're building the conflicts around the business side of art, the reviews, agents, managers, the fame and the finance. It's a great exploration of the wider consequences of what's going on here. I ended up uncertain why Necenna went into the dressing room. Yes, she found the booze there, but the way that was described left me feeling like that was what she happened to find, rather than the booze being the purpose of going in. The leg repair scene shows Necenna's character and skills really well. Iain leading and then carrying Necenna away from the fight felt wrong to me. She's some kind of criminal/spy, he's an ex-artist and theatre critic. Shouldn't she be the one hauling him out of trouble? It reminded me of the first couple of Transformers movies, where even though Megan Fox is meant to be the capable one, Shia Labeouf is constantly taking her hand and saving her from the danger. The reveal at the end was great, but something about the way it was presented didn't quite work. I'm not sure what - maybe it was rushed? I suspect that, if there's anything in what I've said, the others will work it out. This is still one of my favourite pieces I've read on RE. Keep up the great work.

Like pretty much everyone, I'm not used to critiquing this sort of thing, and I was glad of the challenge. Personally, I preferred Garden of Roses. I thought that the rhythm could use a little work - the eighth line in particular seemed out of pace with the rest - but I liked the imagery. Sure, it's familiar stuff, but it's nicely done. Showers had a lot in it that resonated with me (though not the being drafted part - I feel very sorry for you being in a country where that happens). I think that the fourth paragraph, by trying to cram in more detail, loses the sense of focus the previous paragraphs had. Shorter and more focussed would work better. I also struggled with the choice of the word 'interesting'. Without getting too far into sharing, I've struggled with depression, and I never would have referred to the experience portrayed there as interesting. I know it's a deeply personal experience, and different for everyone, but that line rang false for me. Well done for sharing such a personal piece. Just in case you're after learning more about poetic structure, there's a great book by Stephen Fry called The Ode Less Travelled that's all about learning different structures and rhythms. Being focussed on prose I've only worked my way through a couple of chapters, but it's really accessible and interesting, and can help develop an instinct for the rhythm of words.

I think that the idea of showing Candace robbing a church, or doing something similar, would be a good start to the story. It would mean you were showing a lot of what you've ended up telling, give a more exciting first chapter, and show more about her character. I like that you've shown Candace having a dilemma over what she's doing, but it didn't totally convince me. If she's already bought into killing people to save herself then why give this guy a chance? Especially when she knows there's an eternity of torment at stake. So she made the decision I wanted her to, but not in a way I found convincing. I don't have a suggestion for how to fix that, but it seemed worth saying. Why have the servants of heaven sent an assassin after some random thief? If this is meant to be a mystery then I think that's worth flagging up by having Candace question that part - as it stands, it just felt like something nonsensical. Oh, and why doesn't Ryan even think about his friend by name? That seems weird. Having said all that, you should take all my responses to these later chapters with a pinch of salt. My view of them is somewhat coloured by my not getting on with the earlier shifts in tone.

Playing some catchup here now I've found a bit of spare time. My first two points echo things people have already said: This is nicely written. It seems too long for what it is - an awful lot of set-up. You've tried to break that up through the characters arguing, which is a good idea. But that never seemed to substantially shift either of their viewpoints or the relationship between them, so that nothing really moved during the scene. My biggest issue here is that I increasingly dislike the saint and everything he stands for. Even as an atheist, I'm happy to buy into the idea that God is real and good for the duration of a story. This God and his minion though seem inconsistent, and not subtly so. They're claiming to represent a higher good, but are then bullying a woman into killing other people. They're happy for her to turn other people into killers, but they're not happy to take public responsibility for it. They claim to value free will while completely trampling over it. If you're setting them up to become the villains of the piece and for Candace to rebel against them then fair enough, but that's not the impression I'm getting. The fact that she's accepting what they're bullying her into makes me see her as a victim or worse yet as complicit in what they're doing. And again, that wouldn't be a problem if it had seemed like a story with that kind of tone from the start, or shown her buying into a different value system, but if that's there then it's not coming across to me. As I said at the start, I think the writing is good, it flows very nicely. But I'm still struggling with the content.

OK, I think I'm going to go with 'Riding the Mainspring'. It's got a good combination of the dynamic and the technological. Will order the cover this evening and then I'm committed. Oh, and Jagabond, one of the stories in the anthology already has the title 'Justice Like Clockwork' - great minds think alike.

Another short story from me this week, and not much to say about it beyond that. I look forward to reading your thoughts.

I'd also like to submit something this week if there's still space.

Somebody asked about places to submit short stories, so... Duotrope has a database which you can sort in a whole load of useful ways: https://duotrope.com/ There's a small monthly charge to use all its features - I use it to help keep track of my submissions - but I think you can search the database without that. I usually search by genre and length of story. I try to start by submitting new stories to places that have accepted my work before, or given me encouraging rejections. Seriously, never underestimate the value of a detailed rejection, they are rare, encouraging and useful for improving your writing. Duotrope also has a calendar of deadlines for themed issues and anthologies. I sometimes browse that just for inspiration for story ideas, and if I finish the story in time to submit then that's a bonus. There are also other sites listing markets. I've never used it, but Ralan is supposed to be good for speculative fiction: http://www.ralan.com/ All the sites for magazines and anthologies will have pages detailing their submission process and the format they want the stories in.

OK, so, more for bragging purposes than anything else, you can read a list of the places I've been published (some of them now defunct) here: http://andrewknighton.com/publications/ I'll start a separate thread about where to find places to submit, so people who aren't following this can find it.

Thanks for the further feedback folks - I'll take it all on board doing rewrites this week. Shivertongue - I find that 'score of different races' bit clunky too, and I wrote the damnation sentence. Will have to refine it some more. Also, I'll find your email address off one your RE submissions and email you the previous story.

'Moving Parts' and 'Like Clockwork' are my favourites so far, with 'Objects in Motion' and 'Riding the Mainspring' not far behind. Thanks for all the ideas folks, and please keep them coming!

I haven't submitted this story yet - the stuff I send around RE is usually in the 'I'm still working on it' stage. But I have a specific market in mind for this one, and have high hopes based on the feedback I've had here. It really is worth getting the courage together to send short stories out. While there aren't a huge number of venues that pay professional rates there are a lot of magazines, webpages and anthologies out there, and getting stories published has been a huge confidence boost for me once I got past that initially hurdle. Plus it's helped me get over my fear of having writing rejected - at an acceptance rate around one in twenty, I've spent a lot of time licking my wounds and revising!

I'm putting together a collection of my previously published steampunk stories, with the aim of self-publish it as an e-book. I'm struggling for a good title - currently toying with 'Clockwork Delusions', but the stories don't explore dream or delusion, so that doesn't feel quite right. It's for a collection of nine steampunk (or steampunkish) stories: - two steam westerns - a heist story set in a city where the buildings move - a detective story built around strange bullets - a story set in a prison with moving cells - a tail of science and airships on a volcanically ravaged Earth - two pulpy action adventures, one involving an automaton, the other mutated rats - a fantasy story in which a witch is chased by clockwork hunting machines So, given all of that, anybody got any ideas for good titles for a steampunk collection?

Thanks folks, lots of useful feedback as always. It's very encouraging that you had such positive things to say, as I was very wary about whether this one was any good or not. In answer to Robinski's query about writing more of Julian's exploits, this is actually the second story I've written about him. The first, Our Man in Herrje, was published in Jupiter five years ago, so I've been neglecting this character for a long time. If anyone wants to read that story let me know and I'll send you a copy.

Something different from my other recent efforts, both in tone and content. A science fiction story which comes with content warnings for everything except violence. 'Communication' is just a working title. And by 'working title' I mean the title I quickly came up with to send it around the group - until then it had merely been folder sf49 in my uber-folder of writing projects. So if you have an idea for a title for this please share it - I could do with something better. Other than that, all feedback welcome.

I like the Cornish-style setting with its smugglers and evocative names, though like Jared I think you're dropping in a few too many names too fast, it makes it hard to get a good fix on any of them, I don't read many novellas, so I'm not too sure how they work pacing-wise, but this felt like a slow start. Lots of skipping between POVs, not much development in any of them. I didn't feel a compelling need or driver for conflict around any of the characters. Using so many POV characters in such a short space didn't help, and the italicised magical aside felt particularly vague in an otherwise concrete setting. The conflicts seemed to get settled fairly easily. The smuggler has no setbacks or apparent challenges getting past the authorities, even the attack at the end felt insubstantial. It terms of language, I enjoyed the prose, which flowed nicely, and the dialogue - the vernacular didn't bother me at all.

I'd like to submit a short story on Monday. Looking forward to reading something new from Robinski as well.

Pretty much every scene, to be honest. There's so little detail I can't picture any of what's going on. I don't mean that you should dump big chunks of text in each time to set the scene - that would make it drag. But maybe think about the key descriptive or defining features that will help readers envision each location and each person, and find ways to work them in during the first couple of pages they appear in.

I really like this. The setting and magic are interesting and well built up. There's a good blending of description and narrative so that it never feels like we're short of details to envision events, but without becoming bogged down in extended descriptions or backstory. The characters and their conflicts are interesting. The only problem I had with it, apart from a couple of minor typos, was that you seemed to shift between referring to the character on stage as Callum and as Kinetic, using one for a while first, then the other, then shifting back again. This disrupted the flow of the story for me as I had to double back and check that this was still the same character. But on the whole, really liked it.