andyk

The way you tell or show stuff is often still too long winded for my taste. I think you can be more confident in your writing and not over-sell things so much. For example: p.7. 'If the attackers truly had been Brekians, would loyal Svars not have gone to the local barracks or town and reported them? She had no experience of such things, but was not stupid. Whatever the case, she was hardly in a position to challenge them. As she watched Gillus work, she decided that they must be criminals, pure and simple.' - The middle two sentences feel superfluous to me. You've already shown us that Saffen lacks experience of the wider world and is quite smart, she doesn't need to think it. Similarly we know she's not really able to challenge them right now. Cutting straight from the first to the last sentence of these four would shown Saffen as more decisive in thinking about and dealing with her situation and keep things moving along quicker. There were also some instances where your choice of PoV and the information you wanted to get across didn't seem very well matched. For example: p.5: Marnar's reading a lot into Saffen's mental state. Having this level of detail about her emotions come from his PoV rather than hers feel forced. It's good that you as the author know how she's been at each stage of their journey, but that doesn't mean Marnar should be so insightful. On p.11 there's a description of the limits of Damiel's powers. Instead of telling us their limits through someone else's thoughts, could you create a scene that shows them through putting Damiel in peril or challenging him in some other way? It would be a better fit PoV-wise and reduce the amount of telling. p.14. 'even a purchased man liked to think that he was doing the right thing in taking the coin' - nice, gives depth to a host of minor characters, and to the character who thought it. p.16. Why doesn't Teimen just tell this guy from the start the same thing he's told his men, that they're hunting criminals? I ended up very confused about what was going on here and why. Overall, you've created a situation with lots of conflicts, but then aren't using them to drive the characters forwards or add tension. We're not seeing the war, we're not seeing a lot of argument between Saffen and her captors, she even thinks about why she shouldn't make a run for it rather than doing that and then failing. Maybe try to think about the high intensity flash-points and focus more on those?

I like the idea of this as an opening scene. Candace is an interesting character, and the cop's interest in her creates an unusual conflict. It throws her in at the deep end of a potentially very tricky situation without having to get into an action scene, and that mkes a good start. That said I had two quite big problems with the scene, and they're related. The first was that Candace's interest in the cop felt really over-sold. Most of the chapter seemed to be dominated by her thinking about how much she was attracted to him, occasionally interspersed with worrying about his being a cop. I got the idea by the end of the first page, and I'm afraid that after that the continued dwelling on her interest in him got off-putting. A little of this stuff goes a long way. And because so much time was spent on this not much else seemed to happen, either to Candace or in revealing more about who she was and what she was up to. The stuff with the wings was intriguing, and hinted at something beyond just tattoos. The references to one last job also caught my attention, but because they were vague they didn't really get my imagination going. And it seemed like her main professional relationship was with her father, but again there was no more about this. It feels like this might benefit from changing the balance of the scene to more about what she's planning and less about the cop, or maybe less on how she views him and more conversation between them. But it's definitely got potential, and I'm curious about what Candace is up to.

My over-riding thought on this was that it was too drawn out for what seems intended as a scene of action and tension. In a few different ways - primarily extended dialogue and prose that repeats on a theme - the scene gets drawn out when it feels like it should snap along. It's not about any of the individual bits being bad, it's about the overall effect they have together. If you have the time I suggest saving a second copy of this and trying to cut it down by a third or a quarter in terms of word count. That's probably more than you need to lose, but going through the exercise will help you think about what really matters to you in the scene and what's slowing it down. Then you can take that experience back to the original copy and see about speeding it up. Also, that way you'll be working out a way of cutting that suits you, rather than one based on my taste in prose.

I'd like to submit another chapter on Monday. Having sent several round in the past few weeks, I'm happy to bumped from the list if it gets too crowded.

Yay Saffen! Been looking forward to reading more with her in, but I think this would be better if you cut down the amount of detail on her time on the road before reaching the inn. Nothing of significance happens during that time, so just a couple of sentences giving the overall impression would be enough. Again at the inn, it takes a long time to get to the point where something of relevance happens. I'd suggest either trimming this down or putting in a small conflict with someone that will liven it up and help develop Saffen's character now she's away from home. Marnar and Gillus's flight from the scene of the fight didn't have much sense of urgency to it. If Teimen really might be mustering up more help then I feel they should spend less time on talk and introspection, even on gathering their things, but have to hurry away. And the pace at which you tell that part needs to be quicker if it's to get across that sort of atmosphere. The scene with Damiel shows the seeds of conflict, with tension about his presence and reasons being given not to have him around. But it didn't feel like this quite solidified into a conflict to drive the scene along and give it energy. Maybe if there was a noble particularly pushing to get rid of him against the one who's brought him in, with the king as the arbiter they're trying to persuade? Overall I'm still enjoying this, though was a little disappointed that Saffen didn't play a stronger part in the section she was in. The mixture of high politics and low skullduggery makes a nice contrast, while everything feels like it's relevant to everything else and will connect back together over time.

I liked the strong, evocative imagery at the start, but I think it needed to then lead into something clearer, that made sense of what was going on. I realised half-way through that I was still unclear about the whole set-up with the dirge, static and war, how all of this related together into a breakdown of civilisation. As this is central to the story I think it could do with more clarity. I'm not clear on how the dirge is affecting Marco, how much it's controlling him at times, how that happens, and who's doing it. Again, just a little more clarity would be good, without getting all heavy handed and expository. It didn't feel like Marco achieved anything or changed in any way. It's more like an incident from a longer story than a story in itself. And the stuff with Sun felt like it was building to something more about his motives or what he was going to achieve, then seemed to just stop. So overall I liked the style and setting but I wanted to understand more of what was going on.

I liked this. There were lots of good little details in the beats between dialogue that make it feel real and normal. It was a nicely written, enjoyable scene, even if it didn't have much story in the sense of characters being challenged or things changing. If you can find some way to build in conflict, however petty, or more significant change then I think that would make it stronger. My initial response was the opposite of Jagabond's - that the narrator was taking this too much in their stride, without much sense of astonishment. I'm still not sure which is the right way to go on that. The matter-of-fact tone of the narrative is part of its appeal, but a contrast between the fairy's matter-of-fact attitude and narrator bewilderment might add something. I got confused over the narrator's gender - I thought I read a reference to them as a guy early on, then later there were panties and corset references. It meant I didn't keep a consistent mental image, which disrupted my reading. Keeping it neutral throughout is one thing - that lets the reader project whatever they want onto the character. But if you're going to define their gender then it's probably worth finding a way to do that early on.

There's plenty going on, which is good, but I'm having trouble picturing it. I didn't have a clear picture of what sort of world Team Magenta had popped into, in terms of technology level, architectural style, stuff like that. Similarly with Emily, I struggled with not knowing how the world was ending or what this looked like in practice - 'one look out the window showed that the world below was changed forever' - what did she see that told her this? Once I realised that the separate threads were now in the same world that helped a little, but I still would have liked a little more detail early enough in events to set the scene. Kara's talking to her cats might be more engaging if you took out the tell and made it all show - just a bit of dialogue where she's doing the OTT crazy cat lady talk, rather than telling us she was talking to her cats in such-and-such a way. Some of the Team Magenta banter, like the bit around labels and predicting 'skynet waiting to happen', lost its impact for me by being drawn out. Having this banter develops their characters nicely, but I think it would work better as brief, snappy one or two-line bits broken up among the action. I'm enjoying seeing how the threads are coming together, and looking forward to seeing what the separate characters make of each other when they meet.

This is the latest chapter in my Roman fantasy story. Going back through comments on previous chapters, I think that I may have been emphasising the negatives too hard on some of the characters. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this, especially from those who've read previous chapters, as well as on this chapter in general. The problem I'm seeing is: Varus - meant to be an essentially solid character who increasingly has to fight his own inner rage - instead coming off as something of a nutter. Cadmia - meant to be smart but disdainful towards others - ending up so disdainful she sometimes seems stupid. Murena - meant to be a strong leader on a downward slope, instead I leapt straight onto that slope without showing his strong side. What do you lot think? Previously: Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus has come to Rome to serve in the household of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general whose life Varus saved. Murena has a young wife, Livia, and a grown up daughter from his previous marriage, Cadmia. Their head servant is a woman named Sepunia. Varus doesn't like Rome. He had his pouch stolen on the first day in the city, and finds the whole place crowded and unpleasant. The household is facing many challenges. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Livia has been taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama.

I'd like to submit something on Monday please.

Totally with jParker on the point about trusting the reader. It's a hard thing to do, I suspect most of us over-sell certain points on first draft, but it's a good thing to bear in mind. I like how you've slipped in some of Damiel's background via reflecting on his current physical condition. That was a nice touch. But you then spent a long time on largely unbroken internal reflection, both giving world backstory and explaining his thoughts and plans. At that point the chapter pretty much lost me. I suspect I'm repeating myself from previous chapters here, but it feels like it's taking a long time for not much to happen. Lots of people are preparing for stuff, and talking about the reasons behind stuff, rather than doing stuff.

I really liked this. It had a really strong start with good description, clear conflict and character, and kept going along those lines all the way through. I do think that the title's too long. I can see what you're trying to do with it, but I think something that long loses some of its impact and ability to lure readers in by succinctly conveying something about the story. You have quite a lot of speech starting mid-paragraph. Given that the norm is for a new paragraph whenever someone starts speaking it reads oddly to see this so often. Once or twice is something a bit different, this much pushes me out of the story by drawing attention to the odd approach to speech. The ending is very bleak. I don't have a problem with that in itself, but a story of struggle against the odds feels, to me at least, like something that should finish with a little hope - maybe just a small sign that she has succeeded in passing on the struggle? And one minor point of phrasing - 'his back facing her' (p.10) - seems an odd way of phrasing it given that a person's face is at the front, it makes sense and yet doesn't quite work - maybe 'his back to her'?

Previously: Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household, but he's not in this chapter. Cadmia was recently attacked during a party at the house of the Cadmiae, by a magically disguised satyr. Other characters turning up in this bit: Sepunia - the head servant of the household Nurya - Cadmia's recently hired tutor Looking forward to your comments.

I agree with Neongrey's point about deliberately concealing information from the reader and drawing attention to that concealment - it's a tactic that's usually frustrating to read, and this is no exception. Even reading Guy Gavriel Kay's beautiful The Lions of Al-Rassan I got annoyed when he pulled that sort of trick. (And thanks to Neongrey for helping me identify an issue I couldn't quite pin down as I was reading) Emily seems a bit inconsistent. Something amazing and world-breaking is apparently happening, and she's OK heading down the library to read away the last few hours (which makes for an interesting character) but thinks it's silly spending that time dreaming about a boy (an attitude which seems at odds with how seriously she isn't taking the world ending). Also, phrasing it as 'daydreaming about a cute boy' makes her sound really rather young - is that deliberate? I realise that Emily's mental ramblings are meant to demonstrate her mental state early on, but I found them too long, slowing down the story without adding much in return. You could make them shorter and still achieve the effect of demonstrating where she's at mentally while speeding up the pace. Some of the descriptions in the Jester scene remind me of Steve Aylett's style of prose, in a good way. If you haven't read Aylett then, based on this, you might want to give him a go - but be warned, he's very much an acquired taste. Similarly, there's a quite deliberate and distinctive style to your prose here's that's playful and un-serious - I'm enjoying that when it works, but it works best when it's snappy, and I think you'd be better off cutting down the longer descriptive or reflective bits when you're playing iwth that style. The evident conflict between the Jester and the Historian keeps their scenes moving even when not much else is happening, but this still feels like it's mostly exposition and not much event, a common feature of this whole chunk of story. I think you could get away with explaining less of the background, just hinting at it, while making clearer what's actually going on now and why.

I'd like in on Monday too please Silk, if that's OK. And hello to Neongrey!

I fortunately came out of it OK, and ironically Manchester's one of the few areas not suffering from flooding - guess we're just so used to the rain you can't tell the difference!

OK, despite failing to submit last time I put my name up, I'd like to submit something next week if that's OK. This is another attempt to motivate myself by committing publicly to having it ready by then - feel free to mock me if I don't!

Glad you're finding this helpful, and I'm definitely looking forward to reading more. I'm particularly looking forward to that set piece, as it's interesting to see when any of you folks stretch yourselves with something a bit different. And yes, there's more Fire in the Blood on the way - I'm up to about chapter 20 on first drafts, the problem is finding time to tidy them up enough to go up here. I meant to put something up last week, but instead I crashed my car and that kind of threw my concentration (advice to British readers - don't do 70 on the M62 in heavy rain - it may not end well!). Really pleased to hear that you're looking forward to reading more!

The infodumps did knock me out of the story a bit, but I'm very averse to anything even slightly info-dumpy, so I'd wait for feedback from others before worrying about it too much. I'll keep an eye out next time for specific places where it's a problem so you've got examples to work with.

It's an intriguing start. The conflict is clearly set up and there are mysteries to be addressed. That's a good start plot-wise. In terms of writing style it was a bit exposition-heavy for my tastes. A lot of what's going on is directly explained, rather than shown through events, description, dialogue, or other aspects of the story. There was some weirdly specific stuff around time and numbers, like 'exactly ten seconds' to open a door and all the counting of shamblers and the time to shoot them in the fight. It's a very calculating way for people to see the world, and seemed to replace getting into their emotional state.

There's still a lot to like here both in the story and the writing, but the lack of development is starting to lose me. Marnar has spent three whole chapters working on leaving the city only to be brought back, introduced to a conspiracy and then... not join it. So nothing's really changed for him. And for the most exiting part of what happens to him - his daring escape - we don't even get his perspective and the excitement that could bring? That seems an odd choice. The stuff with the general also seemed odd in a couple of ways. Firstly, having someone labelled as a general rather than a lord or duke or war leader or suchlike seems at odds with the feudal setting we've seen until now. Secondly it's not at all clear to me why they've gone to all this effort to recruit Marnar. What's so special about his skills and abilities that they'd try to force him into their conspiracy? This means they're telling someone who's almost bound to turn on them. Why risk it? The introduction of the conspiracy moved the plot forward, which was good, but given Marnar's reaction it still doesn't feel like quite enough. I was pleased to see Saffen again at the end, and am looking forward to seeing her get into whatever she's going to get into.

I'd also like to submit on the third if there's space.

I haven't often tried to write about artificial intelligence, but I found this week's episode on it interesting, especially the the idea that it might not end up being electronic. Maybe future fake brains will be made out of cloned brain cells or liquid metal or lumps of specially engineered cheese or... Anyway, who round here has tried writing AI? How did you try to make your AI distinctive for other characters? How well did it work for you? And related to that what interesting examples of AI have featured in books you've read? What did you think was good or bad about them? (not expecting people to agree on what's good or bad, more interested in why they appeal or don't)

There are some interesting characters and situations here, generally well written, but the multiple viewpoints and frequent shifts between them are stopping me getting really involved in any of the characters' stories. It feels like not much is happening in some of these scenes, even though when I step back and think about them afterwards I can see that something has moved on or challenged the character in every case. I'm not sure where that disconnect is coming from - will give it some thought. Gjurd's decision to leave Saffen felt a little abrupt to me. Things got bad and he jumped straight to leaving her, a huge decision. I know there'd been talk of going to war, but he'd been reluctant to do it, and seemed to want to stay with her. I felt like it needed just a little more back and forth, a little more arguing around that idea before he went with it. On Damiel, I could see that he was meant to be doing cheap parlour tricks for the kids, and I liked the contrast with the real magic. But the nature of the tricks for the kids seemed at odds with the setting. Tinsel and scraps of coloured paper might be cheap tricks by today's standards but in a pre-industrial setting they'd be very costly things to produce. While it took a little reflection to work out that problem, they did seem out of place straight away because you wouldn't see them in a medieval setting. I don't see a lot of push by the characters towards goals. Damiel wants something but it's secret from the reader. Saffen wants to fight but isn't showing any sign of acting on that. Just as I was starting to think 'what do any of these people want?' we got some insight into Marnar's aims at the end, but it was just a desire to get out of the way of the fighting. I'd be more invested in them if I had a clearer idea what some of these characters were trying to achieve, big desires that were being thwarted. I'm still interested, particularly in Marnar and Saffen, and there's some good details in the descriptions, but I feel a need for a bit of oomph (yes, sorry, vague and unhelpful conclusion, reflecting the vagueness of my own thoughts on this - hopefully they'll be sharper next time).

More of my Roman story, as I try to motivate myself to work through initial edits. Looking forward to your feedback as I start to explore other parts of the city. Previously: Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus has come to Rome to serve in the household of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general whose life Varus saved. Murena has a young wife, Livia, and a grown up daughter from his previous marriage, Cadmia. Livia has been taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama. Cadmia recently used religious magic to fight off an attack by a magically disguised satyr.