andyk

Various slightly disjointed thoughts: I like the details of what's in the store at the start - they give a nice sense of what's happened with the crunch and what remains. The bit with the groping policeman added some much needed conflict, but it felt like Rose got away with it too easily - there was no challenge in dealing with the results of her actions. It didn't feel like she had to flee or struggle to justify her actions against a significant figure in the town. There seemed to be some redundancies again, like bits of dialogue people might really say but that aren't needed in the story, eg. Prince asking Rose what she saw at the Manticore tracks - she could just show him the sketch when she gets back, cutting a couple of lines that don't add much. Though this may just be a matter of stylistic preference. I assume that the list of questions is meant to represent what Rose is writing. What was including this meant to do in terms of story or character? I like the idea of inserting documents like this, but didn't quite get the point of this one. I liked the way this section ended. For the first time it felt like she was on her mission and something happened that could seriously hamper it - losing her main ally. Also, it seemed to emerge naturally out of revelations about their characters.

As with the previous chapters, I liked the setting and atmosphere building, but would have liked to get inside Rose's head more. You're clearly able to get across her thoughts and feelings without descending into excessive telling - that was apparent in the scene with the crossbow - but there's not much of that elsewhere, and for me that makes it harder to engage with the character. There were a few little things that distracted me. I found the old woman's anti-government speech a bit repetitive, and didn't understand why just taking off part of his outfit made Prince so unrecognisable to Rose. But there were also some nice little flourishes, like the description in the dance scene. I thought that the Maxi chapter was an interesting change of pace and bit of atmosphere building, but I'd have liked to have had some idea of who the grey haired man was and/or what his purpose was. Just something to give me a sense of how he fits in, without giving away the mystery you seem to be building there. I've also been thinking about your question about action. I think that, for me at least, it comes down to events that significantly change the progress of the plot or development of the characters, and/or challenge the characters. But I'm not sure I'm expressing what I mean very well here - just putting my current definition out there for others to debate / refine / shoot down. (Heh, shoot down, just made an accidental western joke. If that made me laugh it's probably time to go sleep.)

A break from my Rome novel this week, and a jump aboard the weird western bandwagon for a flash fiction story. What can I say, I love a western, and reading other people's gave me the itch to head west myself. Looking forward to seeing what you make of it.

I'd like to submit again on Monday, if that's OK.

I liked this. I think prologues are sometimes over-used, but in this case giving something exciting and supernatural before the slower build-up of the following chapters seems like a good idea, both to grip the reader and to give a sign of what sort of story it is. I found it a little hard to get engaged with the angel and its motivations. The first couple of paragraphs make clear that it has feelings, but after that we just get thoughts and rationality, not how it feels, even when things go wrong and get violent. I think showing its emotions, however repressed they might be, would have left me more engaged in the story.

I don't have much to add, as I agree with the others. Nice description, not much happening, beware only listening to Writing Excuses fans... There was one more specific thing. There are times when your prose seems to say the same thing more than once. For example, in the space of three sentences on page one the description, Rose and Prince all tell us that rain's coming. Then later on the same page, 'she could feel the rain on her face, fat raindrops that slapped her about the cheeks and forehead again and again and again' - this tells us there's rain and then describes feeling it, when just using the description would remove the need for the telling. I think looking for opportunities like these to take out unnecessary tells could help accentuate your descriptive writing without slowing the pace. My favourite bit of description from this chapter - 'crumbling asphalt edges like a strip of torn paper' - lovely.

This is the second chapter of my fantasy novel. Thanks for the useful feedback on the first chapter last week. While it doesn't hit any of our usual content tags, I should say in advance that this chapter touches on the subject of child mortality. It's not a big part of the chapter, but I know that this is an emotive subject, and I wanted to give you the heads up. Other than that, the story so far... Varus, a legionary in the armies of Rome, was badly injured in a battle in Gaul. He did this saving the life of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a general and senator, who rewarded him with a torc taken from a priest Varus killed, and with an offer of work.

I'd also like to send round another chapter this week, if there's a slot free.

Instead of my usual short stories, this is the first chapter of an attempt at a novel. I look forward to reading all of your opinions, as always.

Nice start to a story. I particularly liked the way that, from the very beginning, you wove together describing the scenery and showing the character's personality. It meant they both emerged in a natural way, and got me interested. I just had a couple of quibbles when he got to the bar. Firstly, he goes very quickly from barely able to croak to a rather long way of saying he's not looking for trouble. That seemed a big jump - wouldn't he have at least needed a glass of water for that? The other was that I wasn't sure why they assumed that he had a tale to tell. Does nobody ever pass through this area? Or was there something particularly that made him look like he'd been through something? Overall, nicely written, and I'm interested to see where it's going.

I'm another one who'd have rather not had the intro. I liked what you were trying to do with it, leading the reader's impression one way then twisting it another, but going straight to the main character would have drawn me in better. My biggest problem was a sense of vagueness. When the lead character reflects on his life it's in generalisations rather than specifics, and specifics would make him feel more real - for example, when you say he's sometimes paid for helping people, helping them with what? Similarly there wasn't a lot of description. I couldn't clearly picture what was happening because there wasn't much description of what the street looked like, or the bloke he bumped into. I wouldn't want great lengthy paragraphs on this, just a couple of details to summon up a mental image.

I like the overall tone and setting. As I mentioned regarding the intro, this has a nice weird west vibe to it, and the revelation of its post-apocalyptic nature makes it even more interesting. I found this chapter rather slow. Not much happens, and some of it seems to be irrelevant. The trip to Dante's place in particular, and the long paragraph of detail on stuff she did once she got into the hotel room, seemed to cram in detail without adding to the story. I'd also have liked to get more of an idea of how Rose was reacting to stuff. Given that it's from her PoV, there's really not much showing her thoughts, feelings and state of being. That also meant that I didn't get a strong impression of her character, or care about her as much as I would have liked. She even feels a bit passive, just drifting from place to place following someone she's only just met. I get the impression that there's some really interesting stuff going on in Rose's character, and it'd be cool to see more of that.

I'd like to send something round this week, if there's space. Thanks.

I liked this, both versions. I didn't feel like I knew much about what was going on, but as an intro it was intriguing. Like the others, I thought that the second version worked better, starting as it does with the character. I got a weird west vibe off of it, which is probably why I was intrigued - I've got the first two Dark Towers waiting on my shelf for when I have a spare moment, and I've had some steampunk western stuff published in the past. The only criticism I have is that the paragraph explaining the background she's talking about went on a bit too long. But I have a very low tolerance for that kind of thing, and even so it barely bugged me. Good stuff.

This was really interesting, and I enjoyed it. The start takes a bit of getting past, because it's so odd, and I don't know whether or not I'd have read on if I'd encountered this elsewhere. I'm glad I did though. Once I got past the first paragraph I got into the style and the way information was being revealed, which was skilfully done. I thought that the ending could have been clearer. After the reveal that the lizardmen took over the hotel, I wasn't really sure what was happening, or whose the point of view was. The ambiguity and confusion was fine in the earlier paragraphs, because everything became clear in the end, but this last bit didn't have that, for me at least.

I agree with what several others have said. This is well written, with a great opening and a nice evocation of setting, but it lacks any sense of change or tension - Salim's passive way of dealing with the situation, while an interesting choice, means there's no conflict - he doesn't even seem to be in conflict with himself over what to do. Also, I didn't get any sense of Salim being different from a human. We're told that he's a jinni, and that he used magic, but we're not shown anything that makes this feel significant - no other magic, or choice not to use it; no different ways of thinking; nothing where he affects the world differently, or it affects him differently, because of what he is. I think it would be more interesting, more fantastical, if you built that up.

This is a flash fiction fantasy piece, inspired by some freelance writing work I'm doing that includes longbows. The title is just a filler until I come up with something else, so if you have any ideas for a title please let me know, along with other feedback. Thanks.

Hope you're feeling better today Silk - I've seen how cripplingly awful migraines can be. I'd like to submit something on Monday, if that's OK.

Thanks folks for the insightful comments. It looks like this one has a more fundamental flaw than I'd realised. It's going to need some rethinking on my part about what the story's point is, which will make for an interesting and hopefully fun challenge.

This is a fantasy short story I've been working on. Looking forward to reading what you all think of it - it's a while since I've been organised enough to send anything for critique, so I could do with some input from outside my own head.

I'd like to submit tomorrow if there's space.

Like the others, I thought there was something intriguing here, but some problems with how it's presented. Both the tense and the point of view are inconsistent within scenes, and this made for a rough read. I don't normally comment on spelling and grammar stuff here but you mixed up your / you're a lot. There were some nice descriptive detail, like the arrival's lounge and the guard on the way out of the car park - I really liked those. It would have been good to have something like this earlier on, as it would have helped me picture the initial scene. The bit on Carl's background was good. It was very different in style to the rest, but it had interesting details (as a Brit, I didn't spot the inaccuracies) and was the bit that flowed best. That said, it was so different from the rest that it seemed out of place. And I agree with Guru Coyote on needing to know more about Jerome - who he is, what he wants, what interests him - as the main character I needed more of this for me to care about him and the story. Having said all that, I'm intrigued by the setting and where you're going with it, and you've shown enough ability in characterisation that I look forward to seeing you apply that to Jerome. Oh, and while I have no idea what'll make accurate research, Justified, as mentioned by jParker, is worth watching just for the entertainment value. I love that show.

You're right, starting staring into the storm would be pretty cliche, and probably undermine the power of your writing in this piece. Maybe a small reference to the sound of rain or thunder, something like that, would do the job of clarifying the scene without slowing it down?

I thought this had a really nice tone and style of writing - poetic but sparse. That said, I did have a couple of problems with the story. It's mostly told fairly tightly from Hal's PoV, which makes it odd to say that he didn't notice the dog had stopped scratching, and not to put in anything about who the guest is, who he seems to recognise. I realise that this is done to build the tension, but for me it didn't really work. The reference to coming in from a storm also threw me. We're two thirds of the way through the scene, and up until now there's been no indication of violent weather, so it was at odds with how I pictured the scene. The whole thing feels like a scene, not a story. Hal's not trying to do anything, and the end doesn't really relate to what's come before. It feels like set-up for what comes next. Though if there is something next, then I'm interested to read it.

I liked the insight into Neda that came from talking about her aunt, but I did think there were too many pages of introspection at the start, unbroken by description or action. I also didn't feel that the characters' emotions were evoked all that strongly. It's something I also struggle with, and so can't put my finger on why I got this impression, but it was there. Why doesn't the attacker do anything while Mahau's stood in the doorway preparing his shroud? I know the attacker had a plan, but surely once he saw Mahau pause in the doorway he must have known it wasn't going right, so why didn't he try to respond? The missing god as an attacker was an interesting twist, and made me intrigued about where this would go next.