*hugs*
You aren't useless. If someone stays up with you it's because they want to be there for you. Don't lessen that by making it a problem that is your fault; it is a kind act from another person. Let him have helped, don't make it your fault.
I get that feeling, that you are worthless and a drain on the people around you because they do things for you that will make their life a little harder. But having been on both ends of that situation, no one does that, stays up with you, talks with you, sacrifices their time and comfort for no reason, or for no worth. They do it cause they care. Take that. Take what people have given or offered you. Even if it feels selfish, even if it feels like you are draining even more from them.
I can't speak for all people, but I know that for me and a few others, it helps us to help others. I don't stay up all night with a friend because I "have to" like homework. I stay up because I love that person and am grateful that they trust me and allow me to support them. For me, it's also part of fulfilling my oaths.
oh Haly. *hugs*
I understand that too. That feeling of not wanting to be alive, but feeling you don't have even enough will power, enough self-discipline to even kill yourself.
Then you feel utterly useless, and you can't even be useful enough to remove yourself and make everyone else's lives easier.
I'm sorry. I hate that feeling.
Not having that "willpower" is not a bad thing. It is in fact that last dim flickering bit of strength you have to stay alive, and stay here, even though it is hard, and awful, and hurts, and doesn't seem to be worth living in.
*hugs* I'm sorry.
Haly, not every day will be sunshine. Many days, it will feel like most, will be dark, and rain, and sadness.
But you will be warm again. Remember that.