Immortal Platypus

The "large celestial cat" is busy pondering and has not moved. In fact, the "large celestial cat" is so busy pondering, she falls asleep and the I steal the sandwich and jab it onto my venomous ankle barb for safekeeping.

"Yes, but it felt so good. I haven't been slapped by a giant furry paw in eons. So, can you?"

"But I never left the correct timeline. Unless eating the sandwich made me leave the right timeline. And your paw is really soft. It felt really good. Can you slap me again?"

"The sandwich is in the physical realm. I took it. You have the decoy," I say but he can't hear me because I'm so far away. You all think that Wizard has the real sandwich except perhaps the large celestial cat.

"But I fixed the rift (mostly)" *Reaches through last remaining rift hole into cognitive realm and takes sandwich back with the last extra soul vanishing and the rift completely repairing*

"Um... Count Dooku was a Sith silly. He won't be able to train you in Jedi arts, you must be a sith. Perry, Doofenzhmirtz, get him instead!!" *Retrieves {Redacted for personal safety} from where it fell next to me because Nerdy missed* "And you thought I'd redact what could hurt me. I'd probably never mention it." *Collapses an entire forest of small trees on Nerdy* "And that's for trying to kill me. Perry, Doofenzhmirtz, you're next if you try to kill me. And Ms. Sedai318, you told them I was a normal platypus. You should have told them I was an immortal platypus. You've failed me. Do not fail me again or I will collapse a forest of small trees on you, too. Also, Perry, Doofenzhmirtz, I changed my mind, you can go home. Or, if you want to stay here, I always have room for more friends." *Can we just admire that I've been this up-to-date in school. It's hard.

I float rapidly (about 170 Mph) and as my souls unite in me and continuity fixes except around me, I reach through a crack in reality and one of my souls is vanquished as a price as I pull the sandwich back through the rift. Continuity fixes further and my rift reaching now has a range of 1 mile instead of 10 miles.

I respond with a biting comeback. "I'm not mortal you ridiculous cat. And cats are worse than platypi. I said it. And I'll eat it if I really want to." I continue devouring the other parts of the lunch until I'm full. Half of my soul separates and abandons my body. It splits again, half of it ascending to where the cat resided and the other half goes to help @AesSedai318 take the sandwich from @NerdyAarakocra. Then all three parts regrow to become full souls that share connection so they can communicate and eventually return to me.

*dodges away* I already said that can't hurt me probably. I've never tested {Redacted} before.

I wish I could have gone to FSY. I still might be able to this year so, fingers crossed

I will split my soul in two and one part will inhabit my body and one part will haunt you. Happy? Also, I'd like to point out that I tried to say I wasn't immortal, just nearly so which I guess would be a similar effect

Why does everyone *cough@AesSedai318 cough* want to kill me. I did nothing wrong. *tells forsaken as they arrive that if they don't attack me I won't utterly destroy me off the face of the universe. Forsaken attack anyway. Forsaken get destroyed of the face of the universe.

why did you do that. either way, teach me how to remain hidden. It's always useful even if you're a mostly immortal platypus

that's a pretty similar list to mine except mine is probably Wit Szeth Kaladin Pattern

I don't recall saying that. and ow, but also doesn't kill me. Try again, or don't. Actually, please don't, most things don't feel good. That actually wasn't too bad though. you can do that again. But us immortal ones are, so there. I'm semi-aquatic, therefore invulnerable to all types of fire/explosions. Take that Mr. Explody Dude, AKA Wizard.

yes... but I'm semi-aquatic so I don't use it much. It also can't kill me. The only things that can kill me are {redacted for personal safety}.

"Ow, that was rude. You act like that could kill me. I'm practically immortal. I don't live by your laws of those things you call physics. So, therefore, I'm still alive somehow. I'm surprised too.

Too bad, I'll still do it for I am Phillip, the immortal platypus. And yes, I know that should me I can't die, but it doesn't. It just means I don't follow the laws of pretty much anyone. Don't ask me why. So, if I do die, watch me haunt you.

"Awesome! Why were people fighting over the sandwich instead of just talking like this anyway? Non-nonsensical humans. We immortal platypi are far superior." *Starts devouring food at a rapid rate*

Um... I'm concerned now. I don't know if I want it anymore. I mean, I guess I already allomatically burned hemalurgic spikes so nothing worse can happen to me, right... I'll still take it but you're definitely gonna be the first person I haunt if something bad happens.

I want a dagger. They are really useful for cutting those hard to cut steaks.

*bursts in randomly, right before @AesSedai318 takes the second to last bite of the half of the sandwich that they received* "Can I have some? It looks really good. If you gave me some of the other lunch too, that would be amazing."

Thank you @AesSedai318 I thought that was a really good metaphor. I'd just like to add, just keep trying. I haven't felt all you've felt. I've probably only lived anywhere from 1/2-1/6 as long as some of you. But I'd liked to say as Hoid says, "You will be warm again." You will recover. I'm definitely not saying everything will always be great and amazing. It won't. I know this. I've had probably the worst days in my life this past week or so. But thanks to all you guys and many others willing to listen to me, I'm feeling better. I'm still not 100%, but I'm feeling better. Thank you to everyone who is here and has listened to me. It has helped me so much. But I digress. Just remember, everyone here is willing to listen. If you need to talk, My DMs and PMs are open. Many other people here feel the same way. There are so many people willing to support you. If you need it, please reach out to someone, whether it's me or someone else you trust more. I really hope everyone knows that WE ARE HERE TO HELP. I hope ya'll have a good day. If you don't, what I like to do is try to make it a good day for everybody else I come across. You're welcome to try it, it's cheered me up several times. Anyway, I think I've rambled on long enough. Thank you for reading this and just for being great people. EDIT: I found another good quote from a book. "...bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. Sometimes life isn't fair-- but that doesn't mean things happen without a reason. We just don't always know what the reason is. The world is inscrutable. It doesn't owe you answers. You should only concern yourself with doing your duty." This meas that things happen indiscriminately. The world doesn't decide that you deserve this. If you do what you should, things should work out for you in the end. You just have to make it to the end.

You're all good, I have made the mistake too.

Um... I wasn't the person who got asked someone out. That was actually @Shining Silhouette. Thanks for the poem though. I liked both of them.