shortcake

I have to work a double tomorrow-

first day of school is over with

yippee

i never want to do it again

just kidding.

...

sort of.

anyway, my last class was swimming, and i spent over half the class period looking for where everyone was, because i went to the pool at the beginning of class, and there was no one there-

one of my classes has literally every single desk filled, and another class where there's literally only five other people.

my first class is chemistry (woo) and someone i know is also in that class (yay!) i have history with that person, too.

during my third period class, there's this girl who has a sister that i used to hang out with sometimes, and the girl talks WAY too much for me. she would not leave me alone the entire class period. and it's during Oral Communications, so I actually need to be able to pay attention in the class.

during lunch, i sat with one of my friends, and his lttle brother is a freshman this year (and he doesn't really have any friends) so I let him sit with us. a group of boys started talking rude about the kid, so i went over to them and asked them not to do that. If it wasn't the first day of school, I would've been a little bit more intimidating, but, y'know, they're freshies, soooooo...

everything is falling apart

nothing makes sense anymore

what if i really am manipulative?

she told me i used her

but what if

it was

the

other

way

around?

she lied to me

so she could get what she wanted

she never actually cared about me

i was never truly her friend

she even said that

to my face

and i was too stupid

to desperate for a friend

someone to trust

im surprised my trust issues haven't gotten worse

she thinks she knows what goes on inside my head?

if she's so smart, why doesn't she have better friends?

why me?

she can't just-

y'know what?

screw it.

I'm done.

I'm done with this.

I'd say 'goodbye', but I'm not going to do that.

She's not worth it.

...

but there may come a day where I am.

Oof. Okay, deep breaths.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okayokayokay

I wanna say something. And if people end up hating me for it, then sucks for them.

So, uh-

I am biologically a female. But recently, I haven't always felt feminine. I'm not saying that I'm transgender. Not at all. I just don't always feel like a woman, I guess.

Like, I enjoy wearing dresses sometimes, but I don't like having... how do I say this- the stuff at the top. And I bought a binder (for those of you who don't know, binders are the thing that some people use to  flatten the "top junk." It looks kind of like a bra.) so that I don''t have to deal with it all the time, but I think I might be wearing it too much.  Like, to the point where my lungs have started hurting so bad that I'll be gasping for air. And yes, I'm fairly certain it's because of the binder, and not because of something else, because it doesn't happen when I'm not wearing it.

But here's the thing. I don't want to not wear it. I feel more myself when I wear it.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm either agender or non-binary. And that wearing a binder might be hurting me physically, but it's given me some clarity, mentally. But I'm trying to decide if the binder is worth it. I don't know how I feel about it, but  I do know that when I wore the binder for the first time, I felt more me. I don't want to lose that. It's the only thing that's made sense to me during this messed-up summer.

but yeah. also please don't just like, read this and then not say anything, because then I'll get super anxious because I won't know how you feel about it.