Elf

Soooooooo 

Im getting the dregs tattoo 

Like right now 

The artist is getting the stencil ready

Ashely Gavin and Colleen Balinger make me lose my faith in humanity 

The tiktok drama is deep these days

Im actually kinda glad tiktok is banned here so i dont have to see the actual sources

So

Im writing a cosmic horror story about sapphic vampires 

Does that sounds like at least a tiny bit of a decent idea?

I have just noticed 

My ring finger curves towards my other fingers!?? 

i 

What

How 

Why 

You can see it right? Im not crazy? 

Is this something i should be concerned about!?

You'll be back...

Dear Theodosia (or something like that)

I just finished Hamilton.

I... that was an amazing experience of history and music.

There were things I didn't like, some of the swear words and the abundance of them, that one scene that I know you know, their portrayal of Thomas Jefferson. But... there were the amazing things too.

The music, just all of it, the casting choices, the brilliant interpretations of historical things, the awesomeness of Jonathon Groff.

Wait, let's talk about Jonathon Groff for a minute. It's Kristoff from FROZEN. That laugh of his in that one continuation of you'll be back. Jonathon Groff is the best part of this movie. Screw the story, screw the character arcs, screw the music, Jonathon Groff is the best.

Speaking of characters, that whole thing at the end where Angelica was like "Eliza's happiness means more to me than anything. I hope you're happy, Alexander." That was just... that was a pure genius ending to her arc. It ended all question to where her loyalties lay. It was BRILLIANT.

Amazing! 9 outta 10! AMAZING!

You'll be back...

Dear Theodosia (or something like that)

I just finished Hamilton.

I... that was an amazing experience of history and music.

There were things I didn't like, some of the swear words and the abundance of them, that one scene that I know you know, their portrayal of Thomas Jefferson. But... there were the amazing things too.

The music, just all of it, the casting choices, the brilliant interpretations of historical things, the awesomeness of Jonathon Groff.

Wait, let's talk about Jonathon Groff for a minute. It's Kristoff from FROZEN. That laugh of his in that one continuation of you'll be back. Jonathon Groff is the best part of this movie. Screw the story, screw the character arcs, screw the music, Jonathon Groff is the best.

Speaking of characters, that whole thing at the end where Angelica was like "Eliza's happiness means more to me than anything. I hope you're happy, Alexander." That was just... that was a pure genius ending to her arc. It ended all question to where her loyalties lay. It was BRILLIANT.

Amazing! 9 outta 10! AMAZING!

So my textbooks came in, but ive been feeling a bit bad and guilty for not feeling like studying recently, even though college is like a month away since all the registration work hasn't even finished. 

But, you know I've been having a really bad week and I think i realised that if im not feeling my best, stressing out over something not even here yet is a straight up recipe for worse mental health. 

I think, sometimes you have to realise that your mental peace is the most important thing. Its the thing you need to protect at all costs. 

And sometimes slowing down, taking a deep breath and giving yourself some TLC is the best thing you can do. 

Sometimes all you need is to paint your nails and watch youtube for a while. Or Netflix. Sometimes all you need is to listen to calming music and read for like six hours. Sometimes all you need is to take a walk and listen to a podcast.

And thats...thats okay.

It makes me wonder, why do we as a society put so much emphasis on "hustling"? On getting as much work done as possible; why do we get called lazy for not filling every second of every day with "productivity"? (What even is productivity anyway? Shouldn't it be subjective? It is defined as "how efficiently an individual completes his/ her goals". What if my goal is to binge watch the entirety of a Netflix show?) (I'm not saying that its all you do. But we shouldn't have set parameters for what productivity means)

And i mean, this is an excuse that at least my parents have used in the past, "If you're not well enough to do (insert work or chore) then you're not well enough to (insert thing you enjoy)" 

Which is absolute crem. Doing that work would be more physically and mentally taxing than the thing you enjoy. And i can guarantee you that doing something you enjoy while you're sick will help you get better that much quicker. It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty for being "well enough" to read even though i was too sick to study or do some chores. 

You don't have to just lie in bed like a log of wood. 

(Went on a slight tangent there but eh)

Thing is. This is your life. And you get only one shot at it. 

Isn't it your responsibility to make the absolute best of it? 

And sure. 

That means chasing your dream; it means getting work done; it means getting to a particular level in life. 

But if you're sacrificing your mental health and peace for it, then you aren't really making the best of your life. Because life is inherently meant to be lived. To have fun, to do things you enjoy and to be happy. 

This was way too long, and idk why i wrote it but I'll end with this. 

Quote

Are we living a life that is safe from harm?
Of course not. We never are. But that’s not the right question. The question is are we living a life that is worth the harm?

In short, its okay to chill out. Chase your dreams, don't get caught up in useless drama and enjoy life for what it is. 

it's occurred to me that they probably didn't call it gunpowder until guns actually came around

it's occurred to me that they probably didn't call it gunpowder until guns actually came around

I think maybe this whole time

I 

was

the problem 

I think maybe this whole time

I 

was

the problem 

Soo 

The witcher 

It is one of my absolute favourite shows ever (among there with arcane and shadow and bone at the top) 

And season 3 comes out on June 29! Two days from now (well really i should say one day from now because its late night on june 27 here) 

And thats great! 

Except....

I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THERE IT WAS RENEWED FOR A 3RD SEASON I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS WHY AM I SUCH A DISASTER

 

Soo 

The witcher 

It is one of my absolute favourite shows ever (among there with arcane and shadow and bone at the top) 

And season 3 comes out on June 29! Two days from now (well really i should say one day from now because its late night on june 27 here) 

And thats great! 

Except....

I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THERE IT WAS RENEWED FOR A 3RD SEASON I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS WHY AM I SUCH A DISASTER

 

Raindrops, like falling glass. Shattering on the pavement, like your heart. A million pieces of hard lines and sharp edges, ready to cut and hurt. 

Hurt, like you were hurt. 

Broken, broken. 

Sprawled limbs and lolled head. 

Bleeding heart, and numb veins. 

When will it ever end?

yesterday i told my mom i probably have depression.

and after explaining the reasons why that me and my therapist came to during our session on wednesday, she agreed with me.

 

what.

i was not expecting her to agree with me.

see now, the reasons i have depression are as follows:

1. my mothers post-partum after me was the worst post-partum she’s ever had, and she told me she had suspected that the first year of my life night have screwed me up a bit because of how it screwed her up.

2. covid pushed up the already higher-than-normal bar of emotional stability, so that it was oh so close to overflowing the emotion-pot. i was unstable, but not completely falling apart. yet.

3. that whole deal with one of my closest friends, practically my sibling, who i met at FSY last year, trying to take her own life late last july. that traumatized me and made the emotion-pot bubble over, gifting me anxiety, and now depression

4. other things that made the emotion-pot bubble up, such as my four years of digestive issues before finally figuring out last november it was both lactose intolerance AND gluten intolerance. those four years were very traumatizing and i now have very very severe emetophobia :))))

 

anywho, wednesday is my birthday, and thursday is my yearly well check with my doctor, and we’re gonna bring it up with her then

hopefully i don’t just fall apart at the seams before then ahaha

here’s the plan:

i leave for my mission in about a year.

meaning i leave luna for 2 years: an eternity to my romantic mind. but i’m trading this eternity for another eternity.

either way, i have a great idea that i’m well on my way to completing.

for every day i’m gone, all 730, i will write 1 little thing. a short romantic phrase, a mini poem.

and as long as i write at least two per day, i’ll be finished quickly.

i’ve already done 24 of them.

here’s the plan:

i leave for my mission in about a year.

meaning i leave luna for 2 years: an eternity to my romantic mind. but i’m trading this eternity for another eternity.

either way, i have a great idea that i’m well on my way to completing.

for every day i’m gone, all 730, i will write 1 little thing. a short romantic phrase, a mini poem.

and as long as i write at least two per day, i’ll be finished quickly.

i’ve already done 24 of them.

here’s the plan:

i leave for my mission in about a year.

meaning i leave luna for 2 years: an eternity to my romantic mind. but i’m trading this eternity for another eternity.

either way, i have a great idea that i’m well on my way to completing.

for every day i’m gone, all 730, i will write 1 little thing. a short romantic phrase, a mini poem.

and as long as i write at least two per day, i’ll be finished quickly.

i’ve already done 24 of them.

GAAHHHHHH

SCYYYYYTHE!

SOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD

THAT ENDING!!!!!!

I NEED MORE!

*begins looking online to see if I can find a pdf of Thunderhead, the sequel.*

GAAHHHHHH

SCYYYYYTHE!

SOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD

THAT ENDING!!!!!!

I NEED MORE!

*begins looking online to see if I can find a pdf of Thunderhead, the sequel.*

GAAHHHHHH

SCYYYYYTHE!

SOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD

THAT ENDING!!!!!!

I NEED MORE!

*begins looking online to see if I can find a pdf of Thunderhead, the sequel.*

Scythe is soooo gooood

I'm not done yet, but it's just amazing. If you want a dark ya novel that still has jokes and sunshine in it, Scythe is the way to go.

Anyways, Ima continue reading.

I GOT IN 

I STORMING GOT IN TO THE COLLEGE I WANTED

just went and saw Hairspray with Luna.

twas a good show.

also my lightsabers here.

AND ITS SOOOO WORTH THE EXTRA 100 DOLLARS

guys

i think i have depression

i… do not like this. i did my research. i know what can cause it, i know the symptoms.

i’m still just a kid… my parents probably wouldn’t be happy if i told them.

i’ll probably tell them anyway, and tell my therapist so she can help me.

hopefully i can recieve either a diagnosis of it or a diagnosis of not having it from my doctor soon.

i… don’t want to have depression. but after the things that have happened to me, it’s not surprising.

im scared. a double whammy of depression AND anxiety is… not fun.

help.