Snakenaps

Oooh, I haven't heard of Blacksad! It reminds me of Lackadaisy Cats. And I've heard LBL twice now. What does this acronym stand for?

No worries! Mistakes happen all the time!

Oh, man! This image is awesome! Thank you! That's exactly what I needed. I can be this forum's horse friend, if everyone else can get me up to speed on everything LGBTQ+. I'll definitely look into a sensitivity reader. W's gender identity isn't something I dive into too deeply, but it is something I want to do right.

You were not the first. I need to fix this. I agree with you. The Revolutionaries are still half-baked, since they are new to this draft. Everything needs twist of the Danger Dial, because nothing feels tense and threatening. Also, polite reminder to use acronyms for names. The Revolutionaries and the Black King don't matter too much because the names aren't fictional, although I would still prefer BK for the Black King. When people Google any of these terms, I want it to pull up my website, not here @CherishLarain Thank you! You're the topping on the cake on seriously cutting or readjusting this chapter. I appreciate your feedback!

That means you're my new baseline: if a chapter is too slow for you, I have serious problems. Unfortunately, this isn't a classic epic. I don't get 400,000 words to slowly jump into a story. As it is, 126,000 words is longer than I want it to be. Thank you for the catches on my grammar and word choice! I am great at typing too fast and not noticing my own mistakes. L probably found a tricolored felimare sea slug (not my photo): In Kauai, I got to hold a hexabranchus pulchellus (not my photo): I love L, and you guys have given me an idea for a scene that might build a stronger relationship between a couple of characters. Thanks for critiquing!

Thank you @kais ! I hope I clear up a little of the worldbuilding below. The fact that you are actually asking these questions makes me aware of them as reader promises for answers. I need to make sure I answer them in the book. Yes! Success! The family members sounding the same was a major problem in the first draft. There are solid rules - both biologically and socially - regarding this. Agreed. I think the most important take away for me is that the characters are able to stand on their own this time. Mostly no, but also yes. It depends on how you classify a furry. If you classify a furry as any creature with an animal head and human body, technically, yes. If you classify a furry as a creature with an animal head and a human body, that typically has human hair and exhibits unrealistic colors, no. There are definitely no sexy anthro scenes, sorry. There are no sexy scenes at all. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you, @kais. Last draft proved I can't write romance or even flirting. At all. *shutters* This world has a lot of mythological creatures. Animal-headed humans appear in mythologies all around the world, from Egyptian to Celtic to Indian to Chinese and more. Minotaurs like C's best friend/ co-worker G. These various mythologies are why therios like C appear, although I did take liberties by opening it up to almost any specie of animal. You will notice that I refer to C has a "therio." I believe it is Chapter 4 that I refer to G as a therio as well. I very specifically use "therio" or "theriomorphic" throughout the book. It isn't because I'm trying to be special. I can't use the word "anthropomorphic" because that word refers to any animal with human-like traits, like conversing. Considering that a good chunk of the cast are literally talking animals...anthropomorphic does not work. Unless you're human, everyone is technically an anthro. Theriomorphic is a word that typically refers to gods that have an animal form...but can also refer to gods who are part animal, part human. I just took out the god part. However, therio does not automatically mean furry in this world. A theriomorphic creature is any creature that is a cross between a human and one or more creatures. A huge chunk of mythological creatures have human parts, so I pushed them all under the therio category. Animal-headed humans, like C, or a minotaur like G, are therios, as well as harpies, sphinxes, centaurs, and more. As my sister puts it, "You can call them whatever you want, Katie, but when I look at C, I only think furry." I'm quite fine with hitting that market. Girls of Paper and Fire managed to do it, so why can't I? My painting of C, which can be found on the website on her bio: (If any one is curious, no, I am not a furry.) I have never heard of this book! Something new to read! I'm glad this makes an image, because I did not foreshadow this at all first draft. This has been a concern from day one with this chapter, and why I have rewritten it so many times. I'm hoping that by shifting this chapter around and slipping in this information more slowly, it will work better. If you think it is bad now, though, you should have read Draft One when absolutely none of the family members had enough personality. It was...bad. So bad. My sister had some very scathing things to say about how nobody had any personality and she couldn't tell them apart. I'm hoping that once introduced slowly, the characters will be memorable. But introducing nine characters and name dropping three more in the first chapter (technically introducing eleven if you could the two Ir name knows)? I knew that wasn't going to work from the get-go. I needed experienced eyes to show me some methods on how to turn this beginning into something not so...overwhelming but blah. Which is where you all come in, thankfully!!! Considering how many times I have rewritten this, it definitely has become an authorial exercise. It's turned into a very helpful exercise to figure out what each character believes in regards to the war and the BK. I actually have a page about this. I'll summarize: yes and no. A unicorn and a dragon cannot interbreed, as they are completely separate species and not alike at all. A horse and a unicorn can, but it will likely result in a sterile half breed foal (like mules, hinnies, zedonks, ligers, etc). A griffin cannot breed with either a bird or a cat, while a horse can breed with a pegasus (again, sterile half breed). A minotaur cannot breed with a human or a bull. Hanky panky, whether it is between two species that can interbreed or two species that cannot, is considered as bad as bestiary in the province the first book is set in. Different cultures have different opinions in the world. I want to state right now, since I know we have a diverse group of writers, that some of the opinions that this society has do not reflect my own opinions. The province the first book is set in is, in many ways, an old-fashioned agricultural society. Homophobia is not uncommon. What is rather horrifying for me, as a teacher with a minor in special education, is how they view people with special needs. These beliefs are not held by other parts of the world, and I plan to explore this in the future two books. ...I just realized I have two inciting incidents, one for Plot A and one for Plot B. Huh. I never thought about it before. No. Need to fix this! MC only has one magical ability.

I'm definitely going to test drive both in June and figure out which one is best, or try another solution these might inspire. Which is really good for me. It'll help me shore up any worldbuilding holes. Before I knew what worldbuilding disease was, I spent more than two years razing my original ideas and developing the entire world before outlining. It was pure Katie overthinking for two years. I have so many design sketches for toilets. I am not kidding. I have a good dozen sketchbooks filled with concepts. And then there's the website, which has over 130 pages at this point. I get worldbuilding disease something terrible. But at the same time, the simple fact is, this world does begin to split apart if looked at too closely because it is a civilization run by talking mythological creatures and animals. It's like Brandon says, it's all smoke and mirrors. I need to make sure that it appears like everything works, even if it is fundamentally flawed. I don't think a single person hasn't told me about the lack of danger at this point, which is excellent. You're all helping me focus on what problems the city should be having and what is not there. The city didn't make the shift from slice-of-life to political intrigue well. Stories run on conflict, and luckily, I have a lot of potential to stir up more. Mwahahaha! I'm going to make a fictional city miserable. The previous monarchy is new to this draft and...it does not work. I tried to make it a driving force for one of the reasons why the Revolutionaries want to form a parliamentary system. However, all it does is undermine the BK. The Revolutionaries are also new to this draft (I pretty much switched out a poorly written romance for rebels) and they are constantly mentioned but don't do enough. There needs to be some serious arson, destruction, sabotage, etc. Honestly, this is probably what I needed to hear the most. Logically, I know this. I tell myself this so often. Emotionally, I have those days where I want to toss it in the trash. Then again, who doesn't?

I'll nab the grammar errors that bug me the most then. Also, I am totally stealing "my brain and eyes don't always get along" because that is so me. I am an elementary substitute teacher for both general and special education! After I got my teaching credential last spring, I decided to sub for a year or two to learn what schools I wanted to teach at and what grades were my favorite. More importantly, I wanted one year to breathe and write. Which was how I finally sat down and wrote the first draft of NotK last semester. You have my respect. I'll sub middle school if I must, but I won't touch high school. Considering I just finished college, I have no desire to interact with college students for a long, long time. The fact that you teach freshman English...you have my eternal respect. Children I can do...adults? No way.

May I nab a slot for April 27th?

I've read everyone's comments and I'll reply tomorrow evening or Thursday morning P.S.T.! But I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate all of your comments and that this really warms my heart! My main takeaway is that - at least in chapter one - my foundation is there even if everything needs a hearty cleaning and tightening up.

Unfortunately, my computer refreshed and deleted my already written comments. Back to the drawing board. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "A Letter from the Prophet": This is more of a forewarning than anything. I have read a lot - and I mean a lot - of books with poorly written prophecies and foretellings. Because of this, whenever a book hints at potentially having any - like the word "prophet" - I tend to automatically go on my guard. This isn't a reflection on you at all, but more than I need to be aware of my personal bias when reading, and that you should have it in the back of your mind when you are reading my critiques. Pg 1, " to disassemble the mental that shields that kept her telepathy" Pg 1, " attention to the computer science building," Pgs 1/2: This is making me miss my own college campus. I might have graduated, but I still live within walking distance. I miss being able to go on campus and take a seat and people watch. I didn't have the advantage of telepathy, so I would simply have to make up stories in my head about each person. I miss those days. Pg 2, "the weight of the water" Hmm...can she drown in another person's mind? What would happen to her sanity and her body if she could? Pg 2, "Introduction to Computer Science": Ooooooh, something I know very little about. Pg 3, " she’d pass out in her bed, sleep straight through the night, and wake up refreshed ready to do it all again" Now I know this is a fantasy book. What I wouldn't kill for sleep like that. Pg 3, "This is going to be so much easier than English." Since M said she was nervous about Computer Science, and that she is a telepath, I am assuming skater girl is thinking this. Pg 4, "Bio and psychology. I’m really into brains." Hmmm...because it is easy with telepathy, or because she desires to know more about her ability? Pg 4, "seeing someone else visualized it might help" It was here that I remembered that you said it was too early for grammar. As a teacher, I find this order difficult to follow, but after this one I won't acknowledge anything I find unless it is so glaringly bad I can't ignore it. Pg 4, "when class started but Dr. Duncan started class": Ugh, I can't ignore this one, it's like an itch. I'm so bad at ignoring grammar. Pg 4, "He beamed at the class": Is this warm thoughts man? It makes me wonder who was bemused in the last paragraph...I had thought it was the teacher, but now I am confused. Pg 4, "always trying to do too many things at once": Oh look, it's me. Pg 5, " and swords and grew up around people who tend to break technology": Also me. Pg 6, “Yeah. I’m not.” Answering telepathy: bad idea. Pg 6, “Straight.” If she isn't straight, but is admiring Mr. Cute TA, I am wondering is she is bi or pan? I am not familiar enough with demisexuals, and that pretty much ends my sexuality knowledge unless you count ace/aro. Pg 7, "a dress made out of shiny gold-colored Twix wrappers" HAHAHAHA, I had to muffle my laughter so I didn't wake my roommate. Oh my gosh, that visual. Yes. Pg 7, "you hadn’t healed so many people": Healed telepathically? Or in another way? Pg 7, "Get chocolate...feel better." Who knew I'd be making so many cameos? Pg 7, "Her DNA was a chaotic mix" There is some really weird hanky panky going on in this world. Pg 7, "why she could...heal injuries." I'm almost disappointed that my answers of "What can she do?" is answered so quickly. This robbed me of a lot of the curiosity that kept me turning pages. Pg 7, "He makes things for silly paranormal investigators." Hmmm...like what? Now I am curious again. I assume our little Twix friend is an eavesdropper. Pg 8, “That would be great, thank you!” I'd be thrilled too if Mr. Cute TA was walking me to food trucks. Pg 8, " making sure Demons didn’t eat any tourists" Ah, yes, average vacation. Pg 8, "Sometimes secrets...she collected them anyway." M would be terrifying if she ever decided to be a gossip. Pg 9, "any of the food trucks had those things." *gasps* No pizza or bacon? You lied to me, this is a horror story. I'm nearly done and nothing particularly exciting has happened, but I'm okay with it because I'm enjoying the world and the characters. I also thoroughly enjoy slice-of-life and slow burner stories, so this is right up my alley. Might not be that way for everyone. I haven't looked at the other critiques, as is my way. But I'm thoroughly enjoying myself, as if I was the one people watching. It's humorous and entertaining. Pg 9, "Not as good as bacon pizza" Is anything? Pg 10, "Pizza...steak." Am I M? I might be M. Especially "cheesy anything, chocolate everything" This right here is probably why I am enjoying the story so much: I'm fresh out of college, I love people watching, I'm a sucker for cute TA's, and I love food. This is very relatable for me. It's like I'm just scrolling through the story going, "Look, here's me, and, oh! There's me! And I'm over there too!" At this point you're just missing horses and this might be my fantasy biography. Pg 10, "Does tomato sauce count as a vegetable?" If it has enough tomato paste, then, yes, it counts as a serving of vegetables according to Congress in 2011. Pg 11, "those gorgeous muscles on your back." Is M buff? I hope M is slightly buff. I love feminine but muscular girls. Personal bias. Pg 11, "Pizza is one the best foods to ever exist." Take that, lame food trucks. Pg 11, "A complained about the humidity." This is exactly why I live in a state with incredibly low humidity. "M praised it." I've been betrayed. Pg 12, "gray ace": I had to Google this. I knew what ace/aro was, but I didn't know there was a spectrum. Neat. You learn something new every day. Pg 13, "she’d eaten at least eight slices." Oh man, what is her grocery bill like??? Pg 13, "They walked along the C": A river, I would assume? I'm not familiar with the east coast. Googled: I was right! You and I definitely both wrote slower first chapters, and my own writing bias might be why I enjoyed this. I found it relatable, but a lot of it was also new for me. I've read plenty of work with LGBTQ+ characters in them (mostly webcomics, I admit, although Mandamon has helped on the literature side). My previous experiences haven't dived much into the LGBTQ+ community, which is why I sent you a message with a fountain of questions, mostly about the stickers. This may have been why I might have also found this chapter so intriguing. It may not have had a traditional hook or stakes, but the worldbuilding and the promise of a kind of romance I don't read enough about was enough of a hook for me.

I've been using Scrivener. I tend to be very organized because otherwise I forget everything, and I like how I can use keywords and shift things around easily. However, it doesn't have a grammar check. I like the idea of using Google Docs as a spelling and grammar check!

@shatteredsmooth It came through, no worries. I talked with @Experience about my own work, and they haven't joined Reading Excuses yet, so didn't receive the email. I sent them to the "Welcome to Reading Excuses" page. I'll post my comments at some point today. I'm going to start reading right after I post this.

Thank you, @Turin Turambar ! I'm going to correct you on something you said right out of the gate: None of your critiques are ever unfounded. Any and all opinions and comments that you give me are worth their weight in gold. Everything you say is a reflection of the book. If you like something? Excellent! If you are confused about something? It makes me check if I want you to be confused, or if a part is poorly explained. If you dislike something? Sweet! That means something is broken and I need to go fix it - or I've written some monster well. Everything you say has value. I'm glad that you and Shatteredsmooth liked it, because this means I'm better at writing first lines than I thought! Do you mean showing or telling? As for showing, I agree that pages go by without anything good happening until the very end. Also, if I is a hard acronym, Ir might work better. As for telling, that's unintentional and intentional. There is a lot of telling, and this is mostly a reflection of scenes that I know are broken, or that are newer and I'm testing out. I plan to remove most if not all of the tellling, possibly by adding more scenes, rewriting scenes, or taking away. I learned the hard way on Draft One about sometimes its better to lay a solid foundation first before adding beauty, because I removed more than 10,000 words of a romantic subplot that was so, so bad. Like, dumpster fire garbage bad. Oh, gods above, how I cringe. If you see tells, first, feel free to point out any particular bad ones, to make sure I get rid of them in Draft Three. Second, consider whether or not what I am telling you is interesting, or not so great. For instance, I say that the BK changed a lot of the economy with tariffs and such, but I might decide to ramp up tension in Draft Three by removing the tariff tells and replacing them with shows of...something terrible, I don't know. Actually, it is the former king who will probably see this occur, as he undermines this draft. He didn't exist in the first draft, so I'm test driving him (poorly) here. This is a major problem that is consistent throughout the draft, and a poor reflection of when I was writing a happy-go-lucky, massively boring slice-of-life. There is so much more tension I can add through shortages and such. And as a chef, Ir would definitely notice and feel shortages more than others might. These shortages might be being fixed, they might be getting worse, but there is little after affect feel from the war. For instance, T, Sue's husband, is a blacksmith, but why is there not a shortage of iron from making weapons? There are so many ways I can considerably worsen the circumstances for the characters, and something that I need to do.

Thank you, @shatteredsmooth ! This chapter is definitely broken, and I agree heartily on the lack of tension. This is not a chapter that would get a stranger to pick up the book. The problem is, this chapter still reflects when I thought I was going to write a slice-of-life, when the Revolutionaries didn't even exist. Frankly, had I tried to still write a slice-of-life, I think it would have been majorly boring. There's still a lot of that reflected here that I need to fix. I hadn't thought about flipping the chapter. @Mandamon suggested that I start the book at Chapter 2 and slip in the information given in Chapter 1 in other places. I think I'll try both of these ideas in June when I start Draft Three, and see if one of those solves the issues, or inspires a new solution. Perfect, this was exactly what I was looking for. There are so many mistakes like these. My sister was laughing her rump off because I drop words constantly from typing too fast, or I start a sentence and then not finish it. I had thought I had gotten most of these, but according to my sister, nowhere even close. This is why I just needed to submit this draft with all of its many flaws - because I have been staring at it for so long I'm cross-eyed and can't even notice when I'm dropping words and sentences. Who knows what major mistakes I'm missing? Correct assumption! This will be explored more in Chapter 3. This was actually based on my own experience in Hawaii, where I got to hold a five inch long sea slug. It felt like a handful of cold snot. Heh heh heh. Yes, and have you have pointed out, I tell a lot about how the BK makes business hard, but I don't show it. This is a repeated problem throughout the course of the book, where I say how bad everyone considers the new monarchy, but I don't show it. This is one of the main problems with this chapter...it feels like any other day.

This is my political intrigue adult fantasy that I'm looking for any and all comments and opinions on. This is Draft Two, but there is still a lot that needs to be fixed before I can call this anywhere near a polished manuscript. I don't expect to be able to post all the chapters, since I am hoping to get enough feedback from my local readers to begin revising Draft Three in June. If anyone is curious and wants to read the full manuscript or simply read ahead, DM me. I'll put the website link at the beginning of each chapter, which is essentially a link to my non-spoiler story Bible. Hopefully, you won't need it, but as time passes, having access to quick character bios might be helpful. Please tear it to shreds.

Is Harry Potter the best fantasy book out there? To some people out there, yes, to others, no. Is it near and dear to my own heart? Absolutely, 110% I believe that the most important thing to remember about Harry Potter is that it is a children's/YA book. Yes, it has an extremely 'soft' magic system, yes, there are inconsistencies. But, for a child, Harry Potter is a wonderful world for children to escape into, with lovable characters, a school that every child wishes that they could attend, and a sparkling world filled with magic. I am of the personal opinion that Harry Potter was and is incredibly important to the publishing industry. For one, it changed literature for young readers, as Harry Potter balances between children's chapter books and YA. Before Harry Potter, children's chapter books tended to be considerably shorter (less than 300 pages) and stayed away from darker themes. Short and sweet. Harry Potter came around and exploded the children's market. The Boston Globe states, "In July 2000, in its first major change to the lists’ format in 16 years, the [New York Times] decided a children’s list was necessary after the first three Harry Potter books held the top three positions on The New York Times’ Bestseller List for more than a year — no new adult books could compete!" Book List Reader found that Harry Potter was one of the main reasons that the page length of middle grade books has increased by 173% in the last forty years. Now, let's look at the social impact. In 2014, the Journal of Applied Social Psychology found that children who read Harry Potter were more likely to show empathy and open-mindedness, especially towards minority groups. The British Medical Journal discovered that the release of Harry Potter books decreased children's visitations to the hospitals for musculoskeletal injuries: "It may therefore be hypothesized that there is a place for a committee of safety-conscious, talented writers who could produce high-quality books for the purpose of injury prevention." These are some bizarre facts, but take a peek at something a little more grounded: In 2018, the Wizarding World announced that more than "500 million books sold all over the world, in 80 languages" and that "one in fifteen people in the world owns a Harry Potter book." Scholastic reported that, "In a national survey conducted in 2008, three out of four kids said that reading a Harry Potter book has made them interested in reading other books, too." Harry Potter has brought together millions of children, teenagers, and adults, giving them something in common with something as basic as "What's your Hogwarts house?" From fanfiction, movies, games, amusement parks, Quidditch, release parties, cosplay, costumes, and more, Harry Potter has the magical ability to bring people together, no matter what part of the world you are in. It has and continues to introduce and encourage children to reading and the fantasy genre. I am a teacher, and I can confidently say from personal experience that children are still reading Harry Potter with the same stars in their eyes as I had when I was introduced to the series. Is Harry Potter perfect? No. As you probably know well, it has a long history of controversy. Its witchcraft and wizardly has been one of the most banned books according to the American Library Association for more than twenty years. J.K. Rowling famously Tweeted that Dumbledore was gay, causing fury for many, whether it be anger from homophobics, disappointed readers who refused to accept it because it was never mentioned in the book outright, or those who felt that Harry Potter lacked LGBTQ+ diversity. With massive success, comes backlash. I'll summarize my opinion as this: You may adore Harry Potter, you may be apathetic, you may believe it is garbage. No matter your own personal opinions of Harry Potter, it is hard to argue how it has changed the world in the last twenty-three years.

Thoughts as I go: Introduction, "All of their predictions and foretellings had to be completely reworked": Not very good at predictions and foretellings, are they then? Pg 1, "It was sort of a hostel...all rolled into one.": Thanks for the clarification, because I remember getting confused last time. Pg 2, "The court will argue, and no new legislation will pass, and everything will be the same" Ah, yes, a perfectly realistic government. Pg 5, " a tangy lactose sauce" The lactose is throwing me off. I'm imagining orange-flavored milk as a sauce. Pg 7, "He’d have to live up to whoever that person was." Knowing WW's ego, xyr probably did a lot of bragging. Pg 7, "Rumors from the court have passed through the city" Uh oh. Pg 8, "he’d avoided a panic attack" Look at S, growing up! Pg 12, " trying to make his insides match his outside" Fake it till you make it! Pg 13, " she pulled flatbread" Pg 15, "We’ve always looked like this": Trying to built a perfect body, I? Pg 16, " I’ll…I’ll always love you." Awwww!!! Pg 17, "There were things that needed to be said." Pg 19, "It is not weakness" I love how Enos' struggle is obvious even when we are not in her POV. Pg 21, "The maji can handle it." I sincerely doubt that, but I also understand S's thought process. What can he do? As a reader, I could make a list, but S might not have the same thoughts. If I were in his shoes, though, I would at least want to check up on my master friends. Pg 21, "Several parts of him did, in fact." Heh heh heh. Pg 22, " then pulled off his shirt." It's gettin' hot in here... Pg 22, "individual scales. They were even smoother" Storytime: I own a ball python and I have had debunked so many people's misconceptions that snakes are slimy. Scales can be so smooth and soft. Pg 23, "The L.C. didn’t give clothes to any of us," I love her boldness and self-confidence. Pg 24, "snuggle with E and I in their one hammock at night." Yes, just snuggle. Nothing else Pg 24, "WW disappeared after the first evening," Not shocking. WW strikes me as the sort of fellow who finds gatherings pointless when xyr could be studying. Ugh, socializing? No way. Pg 25, "spreading them until they covered from his neck" Pg 25, "They’re probably worried sick about us." I'd also be wondering if, you know, the Elg took over the city...? Pg 34, "We’ll have to travel back" They are not going to like what they find! Looking forward to Monday for more!

I went back and finished, and I should have enough time to start and complete Chapter 9 today. As to last night's events, everything's mostly good, no fatalities. Just a massive birthday party of stupid college students that got out of hand. Someone shot professional grade fireworks off at the entrance of my apartment complex last night as well. Let's just say, the stupidity of my age group is why most of my friends are middle-aged.

As per usual, did not read other critiques. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1 - Yay!!! It's my favorite POV character!!! Pg 1, "Why had they saved him?" What kind of tool would the assassin's see R worthy as? They certainly wouldn't rescue him out of the kindness of their hearts. I don't think that they can absorb him, as he is not Ari. And they didn't eat him, like J, unless they are saving him for a snack later (which I doubt). Whatever they want him for, I can guarantee it is not good. Time to find out how bad. I feel like I'm a little fuzzy on names, but that could be rectified by having a character index (appendix?) like you had in Facets. Pg 6, "We are bloated with extra flesh for now." So the assassins can absorb non-Ari. Pg 6, " to fuel us" RIP the Coalition. They're like unknowing cattle. Pg 7, "He was alive as long as he was useful." Unfortunately, I completely agree with this statement. Poor R. Pg 7, " Did they have hearts?" Literally? Probably multiple. Figuratively...I think the hearts of these Ari were tortured out of them. Pg 7, "The others, they promised us power." The Elg? Or someone...something...else? A three house master? Pg 8, "They are here to destroy us." Completely agree with N. I think the Elg will keep eating the Symphony until nothing is left. Pg 9, "they take us to where our Forms may be pure and ideal." Sure, Jan. I think "J" is trying to steer N and the other surviving members. Not because the assassins believe any of that. Pg 9, " shows much about the psychology of their people": An entire culture who believes they are so imperfect that they hide their entire body. And I thought I was bad in high school when I wouldn't wear shorts because I thought my knees were ugly! Pg 10, "they were exactly the same as the first." Hmmmmm...interesting... Pg 10, "They are all physically the perfection of their kind": Ah, yes, because when I think of perfection, I think of the Elg. Pg 12, "by one of the others, who have Ideal Form." Hmm, a potential three house member? One of the ones that were referenced possibly as "the same as the first" Pg 13, "He wouldn’t be happy about the Ari stealing her face": I don't think anyone would be happy about that! Pg 15, "They had killed the Eff": Something N failed to do. Now the Elg have killed a lot more than just the Eff! Pg 15: Do you mean, "Could he pit the two groups against each other?" Pg 16, "He sheathed his knife": I'm curious to discover if this knife - which made the Eff's form unstable - could potentially work well against the Elg. Pg 17, "There were fields that needed tilling back home." That's one thing that will be for certain: after this, everyone is going to need a vacation!

I have no publishing experience (yet!), but keep a running publishers/writers reference sheet were I keep track of everything I find or that has been recommended to me by wiser and more experienced writers (like the ones here!): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Y7fORDdp-Txszy0il4SQI1PosOlLaVNQNGq49FjASkQ/edit?usp=drivesdk Contents currently include these categories: The Publishing Industry: The Big Five Notable Imprints Other Publishing Companies The Writing Community: Organizations Conventions Awards Contests Magazines and Other News Sources Resources: Querying/Market/Agent Resources Podcasts Blogs Books Workshops Acronyms Other Resources

Yay! I'm rather excited to let you all tear my new draft to pieces!

May I nab a slot for April 20th?

Jumping in late, but haven't taken a peek at everyone else's thoughts. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "She had positioned her portal outside of any portal ground": Illegal! Pg 2, "H.D. had stayed on their homeworld to heal their injured shoulder," I am sad that there is no more H.D. for the moment, but I am also happy that H.D. is taking care of themselves. Pg 5, "They are still coming" I like the addition of "still." I feel like it helps emphasize just how much the Elg have been attacking. Pg 6, "The whole exchange had taken seconds.": Now that it is over, RUN! Pg 6, "creatures reared half of their bodies off the side of the building" Pg 7, "Mu was creeping backwards": I agree with Mu, let's talk about this somewhere safe! I understand that to know one's enemy, you must study one's enemy, but this enemy also is undefeatable (currently?)! Pg 9, "chunks of the marble wall folding inward": Well, that's new! Pg 10, " Their voice was raw and grating." Well, this is rather a new terrifying side of both the House of Strength and of C. I think I have ever feared them before. Pg 10, "But the Symphony can be used to affect material": S is going to be very handy in this fight. Pg 12, "who knew what they were doing." AKA who knew how to use the Symphony as a deadly weapon and were willing to do so. Pg 13, "Ri’s shoulder’s tensed." -> "Ri’s shoulders tensed." Pg 14, "She wouldn’t lose him now." I am going to have some serious complaints if O is killed. Pg 16, "There were…mouths, and other things that she couldn’t identify." I really hate these nasty little buggers. They give me the heebie-jeebies, and the illustration that now pops into my head from the Kickstarter does not help. Pg 18, "He didn’t have notes to waste": What happens if someone runs out of notes? I'm sure that this has been mentioned, I simply can't remember. Pg 21, "But will also, hmmm, keep any left inside from leaving,": This is not good news for M and his party. Pg 21, "Were they containing themselves to the city?": If they are, I am curious to eventually find out why. Pg 21, "the oldest ones disappeared with their victims.": Disappeared or died? Pg 22, " the bell at the end of her braid against at hand" Pg 23, "And none were to be fighting back?": How could they? Fighting these creatures is almost suicide. Pg 29, "who made their home at the previously unexplored ceiling": Not a very good time to come downstairs, unfortunately. Pg 30, "the ceiling cities" If the Elg end up spreading to the rest of the N, I am curious to find out whether or not the ceiling cities will be affected. Pg 35, "Then where are they to be taking said beings": Definitely a question I have. Pg 35, "We must gain high ground against them.": Obi Wan Kenobi approves. Overall: I liked this chapter much better than the previous one, even though this one was much longer. I am curious to discover how they are going to tackle this entire mess, and how much worse it is going to get before it gets better.

I'm running a little behind, but, as per usual, I did not read everyone else's comments before I jumped in. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "Ri stumbled out of H.D.’s portal.": It's Master A! I am instantly excited because Masters O.C and H.D. are two of my favorite characters. Pg 1, "Seconds ago": Noted: timeline shift, going into the past. Pg 1, "O had stepped through the portal": Yay!!! Pg 2, "She flexed her hands, trying to bleed tension away.": Oh man, I'd be panicking like crazy. Ri does have adventuring experience, though, unlike myself. Pg 2, "It took up the entire egg-shaped room,": Are they in an art gallery? Pg 3, "but the Specie L would feel it for a ten-day or more.": This is more of me wondering worldbuilding stuff, but I assume that each of the different species heal at slightly different rates. Pg 3, "<The Symphony,>": This reminds me of synesthesia. I feel like no one is panicking except for me. I mean, timeline-wise, their leader is dead and their capital and home under attack...I feel like there would be a whole lot more of, "What in Brahms' beard just happened!?" Pg 4, "Even so. She felt more relaxed" ---> "Even so, she felt more relaxed" Pg 5, "<This is my masterwork.>": Just another reason for me to love H.D.! She's an artist like me! Pg 5, "He must be with the other apprentices": Re is on an adventure... :/ Pg 6, " there would be time to find them later." There's no time for those still in City I with all of the Elg!!! I agree with resting and regrouping, but this is no vacation. Pg 6, " to touch the Elg?": Oooh, yes, so that we can exterminate those nasty little buggers. Pg 6, " he was going to show some ankle doing that": I'm sure Ri would like that Pg 6, "neither was anything else the creatures touched." Had they touched plants at the end of Facets? If I didn't know what I know from the previous chapters, I might assume they dissolve any organic matter. Pg 7, "Me, I am not as loose with my apprentices as some [masters] are": Oooh, ouch. Pg 7, "pushed away the heat of her anger": Emperor Palpatine would be disappointed...."Let the hate flow through you." Pg 7, "Ri swiped a hand through the air and H.D. jumped at the gesture": I have to wonder if Ri just yelled some random word, like "POTATOES" or something. Pg 8, "We also need to know how to fight them": I agree with everything Ri is saying. Overall: I have slight tonal whiplash from the last chapter, but I think that is because I expected this chapter to start out much more high energy since they had just come from a deadly encounter. I am excited to have Ri, Or, and H.D. back!