Snakenaps

I forgot to do my normal comments because I got swept up by your prose. I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It reminded me of a folktale someone might tell about the goblin that once roamed the woods...and the girl that may or may not have been the true monster. My initial takeway was that C was a little off her rocker, and was going to attempt to kill O by the end. Instead, I'm not sure if she transformed him after attacking him, or if by being around her, O transformed unconsciously. I was really getting into a "who's the real monster here" kind of story, and was thinking that C wasn't actually a sacrifice, but was rather being left to die due to her murderous habits (the poor innocent mouse!). I didn't think R's POV at the end was necessary. He was set up for...nothing. It could have literally ended with a random hunter stumbling into O, cutting the word count down (and giving you room to add clarifying details elsewhere). I think with some cleaning up and some clarification on what the takeaway of the story will be, you'll have a fine tale on your hands!

Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "no indication of my personality" I'm picturing that everything was bought from Ross. A damaged apartment wall and a less-than-stellar superintendent strikes me as more of a Ross-bland apartment than a Better Homes and Garden fancy look. Pg 1, " I had left a few dishes" This doesn't feel like the MC is setting up for a party and is shoving all of their mess into the bedroom. This feels more like they're planning to stage their death or something. Pg 1, " pulled out a bottle of baby powder" *Visible confusion* Why baby powder??? This would be strange for dusting fingerprints for. Pg 1, " any other powder(hyphen)like substance" Better baby powder than cocaine. Pg 1, "I’m not even sure why I own baby powder." Me neither. Does it keep away T? Or does our MC have sixteen year old baby powder from when T was a baby? Pg 1, "I put the baby powder back in the cabinet." So I think our MC does know why they own baby powder. I think it might be better to smoosh some sentences so that it's more like, "I don't know why I own baby powder when literally any other powder-like substance would work." Pg 3, " I quickly rushed the books into my bedroom" I think I know what's going on!!! Our MC wants everything to be as bland as possible so that the demon I assume they are going to summon won't be able to have any power over them by guessing weaknesses! Pg 3, " The blinds on my window were shut," Yeah, I don't think you want the neighbors seeing this. Pg 4, " save a single chain strap slung over its muscular shoulder, with a small pouch dangling from the end" Did you mean to make this sound like a fashionable purse? Pg 4, " a bad shakespearean ripoff?" Shakespearean should be capitalized, yeah? Pg 5, " I gave him a fierce hug." Well, that was unexpected. Pg 5, "a twenty minute drive" Can R shapeshift or illusion himself into something a little more...human? Otherwise I pity the waiter/waitress. Unless he's all like, "No, this is just cosplay! For a convention!" Pg 5, "personal information to use against me." Does this mean that I'm right about my earlier assumption? Making the apartment look nice for company and a bit more? I guess they aren't so buddy-buddy. Almost thought this was going to be a "My uncle/father/boyfriend is a demon" story. Pg 6, "a slightly pudgy man with thick hair and a jovial smile" That's not what I was expecting, but it is somehow better. Pg 7, “Have you ever tried to resist a succubus?” Wait, I thought he was just being flattering earlier. Is she literally a succubus? Pg 7, "beautiful blue chevy spark" Chevy Spark should be capitalized. Pg 8, “Yeah, I have a license.” I still wouldn't trust that license. Pg 9, "Then she froze." Did R catch her staring and do something? Pg 10, "He uncovered a bowl of salad" I am pleasantly surprised. Pg 12, "Can you show me the tax forms" That's hilarious. Pg 14, " world wars and vietnam and all that" I'm going to chalk up the tense errors, the random loss of capitalizations, and lack of question marks at the end of some dialogues as draft errors and focus on the story. Pg 17, "a revolver tucked into her waistband" I don't think that's a woman I want to talk to. Pg 18, "She doesn’t want you, though." Hmmm...so why does she want N? Doesn't seem like a job offer. Pg 19, "He’s not my boyfriend." This is completely out of left field for me. I see above that it is a leftover from an earlier version. Makes sense. Pg 20, "I may not like the idea much more than trafficking people, but it’s legal and pays well." I'm going to assume that the only reason it's legal is cause some poor sap sold his soul. How did N get into such nasty business? I mean, with the rather lighthearted way this story was going, I might have assumed that the selling of souls were going to take a more humorous cast, but being compared to trafficking people...well, that's dark. What's N's stake in all of this? I mean, N hasn't sold her soul, and what has occurred in her life to make her keep a job that is incredibly dangerous and doesn't pay all that well, considering her phone and apartment. Pg 21, "She advanced forward a step" I was expecting R to step in and whap L over the head from the "Look behind you" remark, but I guess it washer poor attempt at a distraction? Pg 22, “This is all just so you could get my soul,” So, wait, R set this up? Pg 22, " You can’t pledge your soul if you’re incapable of coherent thought.” He didn't set this up? Slightly confused. What could happen: Honestly, I'm unsure, mostly because I'm slightly confused by the tone of this story. I thought it was going to be a Good Omens-esque story filled with humor about an accountant and her demon friend, but then the ending came around and I'm not sure. Is R betraying her? Is N about to get her soul somehow stole from her? Is this going to get dark?

May I please have a slot for Monday, July 27th?

I'll send you my comments via email

There's two options for fog machines: 1) Rave 2) Haunted house Personally, haunted houses are more fun. On a more serious note, I hope your AC realizes being a fog machine isn't so fun and reverts back to how it should work.

Last week I submitted Draft Two's Chapter Nine, which I had already planned to cut a chunk out of. Well, I realized that Draft Two's Chapter Ten was not the one I wanted to submit, and decided to go ahead and revise it by throwing most of Chapter Nine in the dumpster and giving it a bunch of Ten's content so I could rewrite Ten. Ergo, this week, you get Draft Three's preliminary Chapters Nine and Ten, even though the beginning of Nine is going to be very familiar.

Good link! Therianthropics are in the world. The term can be used for shapeshifting (specifically for gods that have animal forms), so, in this world, a therian is someone who can shapeshift. There's no planned therians in NotK, but I do have at least one planned for Book Two, when that is eventually written. I have tried in the past to come up with logical reasons why the three different classifications (Fey, mundane, civilized) and their five subcategories (the only one that is brought up in the book is theriomorphics), but I haven't been able to satisfactorily come up with a solution that fits the present world. Originally, way back when, the reason why so many creatures are hybrids and some had elevated intelligence was because when they came through the wormholes from Earth, things got a little scrambled. This concept got thrown out when I decided to throw out the entire connection to Earth, including the many eyed creature that loved Doctor Who and built phonographs. Yeesh. It's like at this point I've written seven or eight different books that just all so happen to have talking animals in them, considering how different this dang book is from the original concept. I think the current best bet is to introduce the main religion's opinion on why everything is so mixed up (to sum it up, essentially, a deity's experiment) very early on in the book, preferably Chapter One, no later than Chapter Two. This will explain, preferably with the least amount of exposition and as naturally as possible, the Fey. Then, later, I can always challenge this through other religions (maybe a god that scrambled up a bunch of creatures to make hybrids because he was tired of everyone fighting) or other theories (we don't have an answer because our knowledge of magic is too weak). There are a couple of characters I can already think of who would likely have different ideologies than Ir. Since in a perfect book you would all know who the Fey are by now, I'll put it in the email for tomorrow.

I have relatives in Maryland that I could stay with, which would make it perfect for me. I would love to go sailboating and eat crabs again. That may just have to be in the future. Right now, it feels like trying to make any sort of firm plans just leads to disappointment. No matter what happens, I'm sure I'll meet you all in person one day. The group has lasted how many years, I'm sure it will last plenty more.

I better start budgeting and saving then, eh? Wouldn't want to miss this. Still hoping to hit WorldCon next year, but we'll see...

Yay!!! I love snakes I only like running if it is for a short game of tag. I walk 4.2 miles (10,000 steps) almost every morning around my neighborhood. Although I'm going to have to find new places to walk soon, once the college students return and it becomes unsafe to walk alone. Spotted a nice set of beer pong on a lawn today...they're coming... My family went to Loch Lomond in 2017! It was the only place outside of Edinburgh that we visited. My sister (to the left) and my curly haired self admired from a distance the evil swans that attempted earlier to bite some dumb tourists that were bothering them. I've got to return to Scotland one day. I still can't believe I barely tolerated beer and hated scotch when I visited. I missed out on so much. Man, I miss haggis.

First of all, congratulations! Link to QueryShark: https://queryshark.blogspot.com/?m=1 Link to Janet Reid's (aka QueryShark) blog: https://jetreidliterary.blogspot.com/?m=1

Still feels strange to me, mostly since I got in the habit of doing one chapter a week. Then I shall do both!

If we have enough room, would it be possible for me to submit two chapters this week? I cut apart the last chapter and meshed it with part of the following chapter, and I'm curious to see if it works. The first chapter is less than 2,000 words, while the second one is less than 3,000, so it keeps me under the 5,000 mark. If it isn't possible, I'll just submit the small revised baby chapter. No biggie. Am sad. Not my strong suit but I'm willing to try my best! I need the practice.

New acronym for me, which I am assuming has nothing to do with the US postal service. I'm going to lock it down as much as possible. Learning how to convince a reader to suspend disbelief is a good skill to have. If these books ever take off I'll eat my shirt. Statistically, this book won't ever see a bookshelf. First books aren't usually published. Does this mean it won't get published? No, it might, and I'll fight for that chance, but I also like to stay realistic. If it does take off and people start poking holes, I'll just laugh along with them and share earlier drafts when it used to be a lot worse. I do have one backup plan that is extreme and I'm not fond of, but theoretically, if an agent or publisher asked me to get rid of all of the creatures, the book completely works as long as the Fey remains how they are. A bonus of how I treated all of the civilized creatures like people. I would hate to see this happen, but it is an extreme backup plan. Although, admittedly, I feel like at that point I would rather just make this a trunk novel.

Hmmm...I recall Brandon once talking about how he found narrowing down the number of locations as a way to handle all of the many viewpoints in the Stormlight Archive. For instance, Kaladin, Dalinar, and Adolin are all at the Shattered Plains during The Way of Kings, and what affects one affects the others. Same thing with Game of Thrones. There are many locations and many, many characters, but what they do is easily felt by the others, and they appear in the background even when it isn't their POV. Another example is @Mandamon's books. E, I, and S all have their own POVs, but their chapters also show each other and the other main cast of characters. I have no experience in bopping around POVs so often, so if I were in your shoes, I would start looking at who does it right, and how they do it. I hope your busy-ness is good craziness, and not bad insanity. I completely understand the lack of bandwidth, having a long history with that myself.

This is definitely a big problem that I'm doing my best to tackle very early on into the book. I'm doing quite a bit of research into the suspension of disbelief. I think I may have Ir tackle this from a religious POV, as her religion states clearly that there are three types of creatures, Fey, civilized, and mundane, and the general way that they were created. That makes it particularly fun when I introduce other religions in Book 2 that are like, "Your creation myth is false, here's how it really went." I also just did myself a favor and severely changed the roasting spit line XD I need to push that the characters really don't view a civilized cow and a mundane cow as the same thing at all. I know its possible to pull this off. Nobody ever wonders this about Narnia or Zootopia. Not to mention, humans are perfectly good at dehumanizing each other, so having no-talking versions of the same creature can be done. Honestly, there probably has been some murders at some point...I have this nice line currently in Draft Three from the beginning of the second chapter: “A license to sell meat products!” C growled. “I can’t believe it. As if we’d go out, murder someone, and serve them with rosemary and butter! Stars, only a Fey would eat an actual civilized creature, instead of some mundane animal." This line may or may not make it because 1) don't know if I'm keeping the licensing/permit troubles idea and 2) I also feel like it makes the reader look a little too closely at how this world breaks down. Because, frankly, it does break down when you look too closely. I have so many sketches over the years about toilets for different species... My particular favorite non-canon idea was the concept of the Vestal Virgin Chickens. It was this insane way for me to explain eggs about...five years ago? The concept was that unmarried female civilized chickens could be a part of this certified club, where they could sell their unfertilized eggs for money until they got married. Creatures would want to buy these eggs rather than eggs from a mundane chicken, because they were...I dunno, cleaner or something. One of the earliest versions has Ir makes money by milking civilized cows. This was back when she lived in the country, bonded a dragon, and had a magical sword. But the question about the job existing still stands. Honestly, one of my favorite things to do is punch holes in the world because it does stop working if you look too closely. I just need a lot of smoke and mirrors, and such a good plot and characters readers won't care.

Okay, so, I've gone through and shuffled around a bunch of stuff, and spent way too long researching on how to describe food. I think I've got a decent start, but I feel like there is room for improvement. My favorite part of reading chef biographies is the food porn. I need to get that into the book, not only in this chapter, but add a bit to any food descriptions.

I was a ripped blonde man once. I could fly. There was something about a cruise ship. I was very confused when I woke up. Last night I dreamed I ran off to Philadelphia because I was mad at my mother for doing a craft project wrong. There were unicorns whose horns retracted. I live in California, no where near the east coast. Conclusion: dreams are weird.

(Psst, you left some names unedited in the summary above. Don't know if you want to fix that or not). Thoughts as I go! Pg 1, "the dead man’s brother said." Hmmm, who is the dead man? Logically, the only thing I can think of is the tribesman, but I sincerely doubt this is our corpse. Nobody died in the mugging...so who is our deceased, and his bro? Also, curious to find out what funerals are like in this world. Pg 1, "She had a proposal for him." Coming to a funeral for a proposal? Either must be urgent, or she's hoping he'll be vulnerable with grief. Or both. Pg 1, "We live in slums, they live in palaces." I know you already said that our new friend P is a slumlord, but I'd love some descriptions on the room and the casket, to really emphasize the difference between what we (the readers) saw in the theater and the office, to here. Are the buildings made out of different materials? Do they leak (although, with more than one sun, do they get overly hot due to poor insulation?). Is the coffin made out of cheap wood? Does the wood even all match, or is the lid a different color? What do mourners wear, and is it in good shape? Pg 1, "we could refuse jobs.(missing quotation mark) Pg 1, "Dangerous words." More dangerous than already being a slumlord? He seems to be throwing caution to the wind with his grief. Pg 2, “You have bad timing,” No kidding. It's cruel for her to be here. Pg 2, "You’re hard to find at other times" Man, how long has she been hunting for this man if she's willing to interrupt a funeral? Pg 2, “Sooo,” Seriously? Going to interrupt the service with business? H seems like a rather callous character, but you need to be, I guess, to survive in the slums. Pg 2, "It’s because I’m avoiding amateurs." Ouch. Nice way to introduce H. So she isn't a big shot, all confidence. She's barely an adult, playing games she doesn't understand. Pg 3, "A pair of steel swords,” Considering iron is a precious metal, I can only imagine how much a couple of swords are worth. Pg 3, "So the temple may continue to serve this community." After it just killed this man. Sick. Turns out H isn't the cruelest character at this funeral. Pg 3, "Those nearest to the deceased, please take an urn," Confusion. The temple isn't giving the money to the family, but the family didn't come up to donate with the rest of the crowd? So they donate while sitting at their row? Pg 4, "The point of a donation is that it’s voluntary." Ah, yes, "voluntary" Pg 4, " the uniform of the temple guard" I feel like this is the first thing that she would have noticed about them, considering she's plotting something illegal. Pg 4, "Honey." Honey??? I can think of easier ways to make urns heavier. Not a donation urn. Is honey involved in embalming??? Oh man, when I looked up honey embalming, I found the Wikipedia page on mellified man, or the human honey confection and I think I don't want to eat lunch now. Pg 4, " gods, she’d pestered him" She's lucky that she wasn't brutally punched. No wonder the man seemed a little Coo Coo for Coco Puffs. Pg 5, "I’m sorry, dad" Since "dad" is used as a name, I'd capitalize it, personally. Pg 5, "drinking from the waterways" Let me guess, they double as sewage lines. Pg 5, "a protrudent protruding belly." Pg 5, "I’ll… I’ll ask one" Hmmm, notably different behavior than earlier. Her dad must be considerably worse than an unstable slumlord. Pg 5, "allegiance to one of the bosses" Ah, so P was a small fish in a big pond. Pg 5, "An arm caught her across the face" I have opinions about dear father here, and they aren't polite ones. Pg 6, " I’ll take him down" Who is their enemy, and why? Pg 6, " Listening to it sizzle(comma)she got" Pg 6, "fish juices running down his chin" Does H want revenge, or only Dad, who, frankly, seems to care more about revenge than his own daughter? This worked out really well, since I read the edited version of the Prologue and Chapter One yesterday! A nice continuation!

This is a short chapter, at under 1500 words, and one that's going to lose a good chunk of its content when I (hopefully) revise it this week. This one's sin? POV's. It has an unnecessary cow POV, and a scene that sits closer to third person omniscient than Ir's POV. Despite me knowing a lot of its flaws, I'd like your thoughts. I was tempted to throw in Chapter Ten today, because in a perfect world, I'll cut a big chunk of Chapter Nine and make it small enough to fit in Chapter Ten...but mostly I'm hoping to be able to rewrite Chapter Ten before I submit it. There's...laziness that desperately needs fixing. I know what's the major issue in that chapter, and I'd rather have you guys pick apart my solution than a problem I already know is broken.

Late to the party, I am. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "The temperature was always too high; something to do with the engines" This reminds me of how planes are always too cold for me. Pg 1, "new identity as a V aristobrat" If the brat part wasn't on purpose, keep it. If it is on purpose, I got a good chuckle. Pg 1, " She felt quite bad about it" This would have been me. Pg 2, "you never knew who was watching" Hmmm, I wonder what nefarious groups are out there? What are C's enemies? Pg 2, "I’m so glad to meet you, uncle," Sounds like their covers have never met before... Pg 2, "It’s such a pity we’ve never seen each other before today" Oh, well, there you go! This dialogue seems formal and stilted, but it makes sense for an uncle and niece who have never met before. Pg 3, " regular acid rain discouraged even the stupidest of fools" Oh now, come on, doesn't have your skin boil and burn off sound like fun? I bet there's that one person who thinks the acid rain is there to cover up some conspiracy theory. Pg 3, "T groaned" Took me half a sec to realize this wasn't someone new and to remember that this is her cover name. Pg 3, " If she remembered correctly" Oh, POV jump. Alright. This is the fourth POV since the prologue and I'm only in chapter two. This is where I, as a reader, get wary, because, unless it is two POVs switching in between chapters, or each chapter dedicated to a single POV, I start losing track of characters fast. That was my major issue with A Song of Ice and Fire. As I would with a normal book, I'll hold off judgement and see if you can pull it off. Pg 3, "Virgil" This makes me happy for no other reason except my snake is named Virgil. Pg 3, "spent the whole morning complaining to her husband"...about a new assistant??? A new assistant is that stressful? Why? Pg 4, "For the love of all things idiotic" Not very professional. I guess you don't have to be when you are that high of a mucky muck, but still, not a great first impression. Pg 4, "She’d learned throughout the years that if you leave the brats alone, they eventually give up." So...she's trying to get her assistant to quit? Y doesn't seem like a very nice person... Pg 5, "had forced her to employ." Okay, so she does want them to quit, because she doesn't want an assistant at all. Pg 5, "ten times worse than Earth ever could be" Whoa, back to C! Unless Y ends up really important later on, I'm not sure what the point of switching to her POV was? Like, all information given could have been seen or inferred by C, which wouldn't have caused me to blink an eye. Pg 5, "She’d seen the documentaries and read the books in school" No briefings or reports for her mission? Pg 6, " Either option would be a huge display of extravagance." I'm imagining cows floating in zero G. Like big cow balloons. Pg 7, "the ones where he could take a lunch break in the middle of the day" Hol up, another new POV? So, five different POVs in three chapters and a prologue? I'm concerned. I don't get to stay with anyone long enough to settle down and get to know them. I feel like I'm just seeing snapshots. Pg 7, "needed to meet with his ex-wife this evening about some couch" I'm already wincing in sympathy. Pg 7, " they bought the place was horrible at his job" Considering the jumpsuit fashion, I'm already cringing at what this could look like. Pg 7, "He could find something more productive to think about" Ouch. Pg 7, "Governor-General" Ooooh, now this sounds like A could be an important POV with access to knowledge C won't have. Pg 9, "There were eight of them," Uh oh, this makes me think that there might be another POV switch... Pg 9, "to be the rock that rested under the Earth in that place." I take it that means we are with the revolution on Earth, and that means another POV switch. In all honesty, if I was reading this as a book I just picked up, it would be right here at this POV that I would have set it down. Not because it doesn't have a good idea, or because the story isn't interesting, or because of a lack of worldbuilding, but because with this many POV switches, there is nothing to prevent me - hi, some random reader - from assuming that every chapter will introduce two to three more characters that I won't be given time to care about, while detracking from the one character I do want to get to know: C, her struggles, her spying, and her trying to make it on Venus. She's the only one that has appeared more than once, and, therefore, I find myself gravitating towards her, because I've been given the chance to know her the longest. Now, let me say the good news: this is just a draft, which means that this isn't the book I would have - hopefully one day will - buy from the bookstore. Right now everything feels like snapshots - a little hint there, another hint here - without staying long enough for me to see clearly. I like analogies, and I feel like right now I'm taste testing everything, but before I can decide if I like something - whoosh! - it's whisked away from me. And the ones I really like? I'm like, "Hey, bring that back, I want another bite," but I don't know if the chef (you) will give me more. But, see, you're already on it! You've got this! And you know what is great about test driving all these different POVs in this draft? It helps you practice voice, and you can take a look and see who's really fun to write and to read, who has the most interesting POV, and who adds the most to the plot! I'm having to do the same thing in a bunch of my chapters - in fact, the next chapter I'll be submitting tomorrow is from Draft Two and is guilty of having a scene that doesn't even settle on one person! So I hope you don't beat yourself up from all of this, and instead can recognize the lessons to be learned and leap forward with excitement at how wonderful your book is eventually going to become! Alright, I'm going to jump back in Pg 11, "He made vague gestures with his hand as he tried to think of the word" This is how I communicate 98% of the time. Pg 11, " had begun to fall in love with his husband" I'm sensing a traitor in our midst... Pg 12, " about to screw up the job he’d spent years on" Love wins! Hopefully... Pg 13, "The Governor-General" Governor-General A, from earlier? Pg 13, " in front of the massive mural of Luna’s flag" Not A, then. Pg 13, "His father wore a light smirk on his face." So I was correct about A, but somehow got mixed up and thought that A was on Venus. Pg 16, " fuel combustion that wasn’t properly dealt with until too late" Terrorist attack, or sabotage? You've got all my thoughts! Now, keep on truckin'!

Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "A sizzling and popping" My brain immediately jumps to popcorn. Pg 1, "Bacon." Even better than popcorn. Pg 1, "demanding she rise for her cocoon of blankets and find the bacon." I'm picturing a M-like dog buried under blankets, nose a twitching for bacon. Pg 1, " glared at the bluboard on the ceiling" I am assuming that bluboard is some kind of construction material, but I actually have no clue. I Googled it and came up with computer software, mostly. Pg 1, " the pounding headache got worse." I feel like putting my hands on my hips and saying, "Now whose fault is that?" Pg 1, "She toppled over, crashing onto the plywood floor." I feel almost bad for finding this funny. Pg 1, " but now it felt worse" That's because you got seriously drunk while your brain's all falling to pieces. I have little sympathy. I can understand wanting to escape into drunkedness for a while (goodness knows I've been surrounded by enough people who have that habit), but at the same time, I have very little sympathy for her situation. I mean, considering Mi seems both worried and angry, I'd be annoyed if someone came over to my house, got seriously drunk, then passed out. But, hey, at least she didn't vomit all over his construction project. Pg 2, "it would’ve broken if she tried to tame her hair with it." I can sympathize Pg 2, "I don’t have any milk or cream that hasn’t soured.” Considering the bread was also moldy, I hope the bacon and eggs are safe to eat. Pg 2, " you delete something doesn’t mean it is actually gone." Uh oh, what'd he read??? Pg 2, "Her muscles tightened" Pg 3, "She picked up another piece of bacon." Ugh, they're acting all casual but I can feel the tension in the room just like I can almost taste that bacon. I almost wish that Mi would just yell at her or something than keeping up with this nail biting charade of "everything is fine." Him being calm on the outside is so much worse. Pg 3, "The first time I heard that phrase was because you said it." I'm trying to remember if he said it or thought it. Pg 3, “What’s a Siphon?” Will she tell the truth, or lie, and claim it is something that has to do with plumbing? Pg 3, "this was earned payback" Earned payback when Mi didn't know he was in debt. Pg 3, "A Demon that feeds off of fear" Finally telling the truth!!! I am excited! Now the story can really get going! Unless M doesn't tell him everything, and she probably won't. Pg 3, "A Demon hunter.” That's putting it simply. Our boy is definitely going to end up with the simplified version. Pg 4, " the cosplay event" I'm forgetting to add comments because oh boy oh boy oh boy Mi's getting answers. I'm sitting on the edge of my chair wanting to inhale this chapter and forget about critiquing. I have been waiting for this. Pg 5, "the blood pooled around their slit throats." Oh no, Mi's friends are the reason why the hikers are missing!!! Pg 5, "Betrayal and guilt. Heart crushing anxiety." He 1) needs a hug and 2) hopefully won't develop a phobia that won't let him step outside for fear of being murdered, being killed by demons, getting betrayed by possible girlfriends, definitely getting betrayed by science-paranormal friends, plus everything in his past...I lied, boy doesn't need a hug, he needs a therapist. Pg 5, "They killed the hikers,” Pg 6, " That’s you’d risk yourself" Pg 6, "she might have gotten up and run out of his house" Glad for once she wasn't able to run from her problems. Pg 7, " Something you are okay with letting me use to distract myself." I started thinking of Avatar: The Last Airbender as my first idea of a pleasant thought. Pg 7, " thinking about the smell of the bacon and the sun outside" Those are pleasant thoughts. Pg 8, "wordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswords" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I didn't know what I was hoping for when I thought I'd see what the redacted said, but this is so much better than anything I could have come up with. Pg 9, "you are ending whatever this is because you think you're endangering me?" Oh no, this isn't going to go well. Pg 9, " I’ll be gone by the time you come up." There goes M, running like always. Although in this case, I think both Mi and M need a break to sort out how they feel. Pg 9, " I’ll send you their numbers in case you didn’t save it." Glad she isn't leaving him high and dry. Pg 9, "wishing she’d never met him" Admittedly, life would have been a lot more simple if she hadn't, but where's the fun in that? Thoroughly enjoyed this chapter! It might be my new favorite. I'm curious to see if C will stop M after she storms out, or if C will stay to watch Mi.

I know @Mandamon has experience in this.

Congratulations! I'm a little late to the party, but I can give you my thoughts! You can email to me using the email connected to my submissions. If you can't find that email, PM me. I've started a new job, but I'll jump on your novel as soon as I have time.

May I nab a slot for July 13th?