The Awakened Salad

So he let loose a flock of wild geese into the city.

Why stop there? Let’s do the whole ost!

So I wasn’t really sure what this line meant. I think I get the idea that it’s supposed to convey the dark elegance of the spider, but I was thrown off when I read it. I’m not sure what is meant by “dances poetry”, and I couldn’t come up with a mental image to go with it. The phrase “dark moon” also confused me a bit, because the moon can’t really be dark (Well, I guess it can and we just can’t see it).

Dear @Honorless, I have acquired information that you wish to use me as some sort of payment. I would rather that you refrain from taking this course of action, as I have no desire to be eaten. The Awakened Salad

Shady

Hi, welcome to the Shard! Unfortunately, this section of the forums doesn’t get as much traffic as other parts, but we also have a writing group if you’re interested. (I’m not a part of it, I just thought I should mention it). Also, I just want to say that I’m not very experienced with giving critiques, so I apologise if I say anything out of turn or come across as rude. That’s not my intention at all. Anyways, onto my comments. First of all, I know that comments weren’t specifically asked for in regards to writing, but I’m in love with some of your descriptions, this one especially: I also really loved the way you incorporated Willow’s physical description into the writing and overall story. As for the opening, I think it moves at the right pace and it definitely held my attention. The only part that I felt was too slow was when Willow began weaving the imaginary lace. I involuntarily started skimming at around the following point: Personally, I think it would work better if this section was shortened a bit. As for Willow’s personality, my thoughts seem to echo Kureshi Ironclaw’s, who has written them out better than I could, so I won’t repeat them. This quote basically sums up how I feel about her. Her narration is good, and I think it sounds like a 12 year old girl, but I don’t read much middle-grade, so I may not be the best judge of that. Nonetheless, her narration is entertaining and conveys her thoughts and feelings really well. I had some other comments about the writing, but I didn’t know whether to add them seeing as they weren’t specifically asked for and I don’t know how far along this piece is draft-wise. But overall, it’s really solid and I’d love to read more.

The disfigurement was called fishface. The worse someone’s fishface, the more respected they were among the community.

*Goes around poking people with a violin bow*

*Joins in on the orchestra revolt*

Causing an explosion.

But it was prophesied that it would become un-anonymous.

*Wins*

*Tries to button a sleeve over a grand piano*

I agree with @ILuvHats’s comments on the writing. I felt that it could use a bit of polish and overall, it didn’t draw me into the story’s world as much as it could’ve. Varying the sentence lengths might help, as I noticed they seem to all be of similar size. This’ll help keep the reader engaged, and maybe create more of a punchy, fast-paced feel, which always helps for action scenes. Edit: Just a suggestion, but maybe you could add more of Sarkor’s emotions and thoughts into the story? Is he calm, or nervous? What’s his attitude towards this particular job? I know it’s only a small excerpt, but I don’t feel that I know anything about his character at all. I think that adding some of his reactions or observations would serve to strengthen the story and pull readers further in by providing something emotional to latch onto. It could also make this scene more tense, if that’s what you’re going for. But definitely keep writing! Especially if this is still a first draft. Right now it’s about getting ideas down and words on the page.

Tricky

A giant milk carton fell on BOB.

False

Dark

I don’t have any digital copies of the cosmere books, so I do have to type quotes out if I need them, which is very annoying if it’s a long quote. Mostly because I have to try and hold the pages open without bending the spine (but if you’re fine with bending it then it’s a bit easier). Either that or I memorise the quote (if it’s a long one I’d do it in chunks) and then when I’m done I’ll just read over it again to make sure I haven’t made any mistakes.

The pineapple grew faces and started singing a song.

No! CAN’T HIDE THE PRIDE! BLUE LIONS! (Nah, Golden Deer is cool too). I second this, and I’m not even into shipping all that much.

Erica jumped at the words, then looked to the side to see a woman standing there. “I didn’t hide that I’m lost very well, did I?” She asked, giving the woman a friendly smile. Revealing that she was lost put her at a disadvantage, but it was better to be upfront right now. The woman had already seen that she was confused. Lying about it would only make her seem suspicious.

I concur! I can’t wait to see how the dlc story ties into the main game.