Silverbard

I've never read your books before, but I gotta say, I loved this excerpt! Usually I'm not one for (what I call) "blatant" romance in sci-fi and fantasy, and usually I steer clear of anything sexual if I can... I just don't normally enjoy reading it. I can't avoid it entirely, but for me if the romance isn't handled well, it can ruin everything else about the book/story. I didn't think that of your writing. I found myself immediately invested in your characters and enjoying your world. Also it didn't read like 7500 words to me... it read more like 3k and I think that really says something. I didn't feel the length of it, which meant it was a sort of pleasant but unexpected surprise when it ended. Now, I've only read a few of the comments before mine, and though I don't want to contradict anything that you might find helpful, I do want to say that, as someone who has never read your work before and knows nothing about your world or characters, I actually didn't find myself lost at the supposed lack of world building in script. In fact, I felt there was just enough of it that I felt immersed in the world and story and could picture it clearly in my head without feeling like I was having information dumped on me. I LOVED the bit about the Koalas, and actually didn't feel like they were at all misplaced in the story or disjointed with it. I felt like they tied in nicely with A's concerns about E too, in the fact that A knows nothing about Koalas and for all she knows they are absolutely vicious flesh eating/rending monsters (once they are not hyped up on eucalyptus), and if they spread from somehow being on what I must assume is a sort of species-saving ark of a space craft to the rest of sentient planet full of sentient trees, A would have every reason to be concerned about her love who is at that moment planning something in the middle of a grove of trees. The only question I really had on that point was, how could there be so many? I don't know much about Koalas (ok, hardly anything about them at all), but from what I can tell they pretty much only exist outside of Australia in zoos... and I don't know how many actually are projected to exist in Australia, but from what I can graze, it might be a couple thousand but probably not an absolutely massive amount that could take over an entire planet... unless the planet is pretty small. The only real thing I had an issue with was how fast the end was resolved. It was a beautiful ending to be sure, but it somehow felt just a bit forced and rushed to me. That could be entirely because you were trying to keep it within a word limit so it might not be something you have to worry too much about. I also wasn't entirely satisfied with out much A stumbled over her words when she seemed perfectly articulate earlier. Granted, a surprise like the one E gave her could quite easily cause her to go speechless... I could see that. *grin*. But I guess what I mean is, I'm not sure how well it fit her character to sound so awkward. (Again, this coming from someone who hasn't read any of your past material, so take it as you will. ) Besides that, I'd say this work needs a bit of a spit-n'-polish; there were a good amount of typos sprinkled throughout the text. You may have already caught them by this point, or someone else may have already pointed them out to you. But I think if those are fixed, this is really a great piece!

Hi! I’m new to the group and unfortunately am jumping into your story in chapter 7 (which obviously is not a great way to start reading a book) so I won’t get too into story edits. Also, it sounds like this may not be the first book in the series? I couldn’t tell for sure, so please feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt. Also, because of the fact that I am starting so late in the book, I found the passage a little confusing and so didn’t end up reading the whole thing. (It might have been different if I had started at the beginning with everyone else. ) From what I could tell, you have a pretty solid writing style and I could definitely tell you had a pretty good handle what you were doing. Obviously this is important, and I commend you on that! I got the feeling from what I read that this is science fiction... it sounded like there were alien races involved. I did like the fact that it sounds like you have a polyamorous relationship going on between the MC and at least two other characters... that’s not something I’ve seen often in the SF/F I read, and it was rather refreshing actually. To be honest, the biggest struggles I had with this mostly revolved around the names. I found a lot of them difficult to pronounce and confusing. Again, this could be something that would be much clearer had I started reading at the beginning of the book instead of in the 7th chapter, but stumbling over the names and being confused over who/what they belong to made it difficult for me to stay anchored in the story. The other thing I struggled with in the story was passive voice and telling. There seemed to be quite a lot of it. Now it was all very well written! But even in third person limited POV, I didn’t really feel like I was part of the story at all but rather sort of being told everything that was happening in the story., if that makes sense. I hope this is somewhat helpful. I may come back later and try to do a more in-depth critique, but I read and typed this up on my 30 min lunch break so its a bit rushed. Good luck with your writing!

Wow! Awesome! Congrats on all the kiddos! I’m the oldest of 6, which isn’t quite as big of a family, but I get it. Thank you for the feedback! It’s very much appreciated. Ah... good to note. Thank you. I’ll take it into consideration and play with the wording and phrasing a bit.

Thank you!

Also, where can I find this writing group?

Please do!

Please feel free! I’m open to all critique. The things listed were only the things I specifically felt I NEEDED to know the about the scene, but I welcome all thoughts on the piece.

thank you for all the feedback! I didn’t know how to take the post down, so I just thought I’d post this message in its stead. God bless, all, and happy writing! I’m sure I will post more later for critique, but for this particular moment on this particular day I’m gonna try and bash all of my excuses aside and go write.

I would say your writing/writing style is pretty solid, and when I saw bits of the characters’ personalities, I really liked them. Those can be hard things to pin down, so it’s great that it seems you already have a handle on them! I also agree that it jumps around a bit... however my biggest nit-pick is there seems to be a lot of flash-backing (I know... that’s not /technically/ a word, but I’m using it) right up front at the beginning of everything. That’s really not a great place to put flashbacks. In fact, from what I’ve heard and read, it’s usually frowned upon. I was wondering, is there any way you can focus in more on the fight itself, the characters, and the reason for their fight up front, and work the information from the flashback in later? I think that might help tighten everything up for you.

I did a quick glance through this and I like it. I plan to come back later and do a more in-depth read. I will agree that the constant switching of POV is a bit jarring... personally I found myself more interested in Aeven, and I would venture to say you could probably do the entire scene from his POV with little trouble... only switching POVs at the end, when you write Jerrin’s demise. Most of what we learn of Jerrin can be easily explained through Aeven’s POV, IMO... I mean, if he already knows that Jerrin is paying off the bandits to stay away, then he probably has a good idea about most of the other stuff. As I said, I plan to come back to this. looking forward to reading more!

Oooo... I did enjoy this quite thoroughly! The second person POV took me by surprise at first though. Tbh, you probably could have just as easily made it first person and I probably wouldn’t have found it so jarring. But all in all, this seemed well written to me.

I like the idea of this story... alchemical abilities, being able to store memories and notes in pieces of metal, etc. I also get a weird sense that it’s almost set in present day (I could be completely wrong...) but in my mind I like that mix. I would say, however, that there is a lot of passive voice in this WIP. I’m sure it’s a rough draft and so I won’t go into too much detail about it... but perhaps try to show us more of what’s going on from her perspective rather than telling us about it? One of the ways I try to do this is by cutting any filter words I come across... “he saw”, “they started”, “She wondered”... etc... first I look at any place I find these moments and ask myself if there is any way I can change it to be more active. Ex: instead of “she saw the cat run across the road and tried to stop it.” One might write: “The cat raced across the street, just as a bright red Lexus flung itself around the corner. Susan gasped. “Kitty!” She reached towards the running feline, panic gripping her chest.” Idk... that might not have been the best example. *shrug* Another thing I sometimes do is try to write the scene in first person and see if that doesn’t help me write more active scenes. I love writing in third limited, but sometimes trying to write the same scene in first person helps me feel like I’m part of what’s going on, and therefore helps me make the scene more active.