shatteredsmooth

This week is finals week, which means I am super busy (was still grading stuff at 11 p.m. last night), so I read this, but I didn't make any line by line comments. I have mixed feelings in terms of the overall structure and pacing. Personally, I was engaged and am enjoying the gradual reveals and loved some of the little details that made it relatable, like W really not liking phone calls. At times, some of the dialogue felt a little off, but at that point I was reading on my phone while waiting for my dog at the vet, so I did not actually mark which parts. I love W, E, and N and still find W to be extremely relatable. I like her more and more each chapter. Her thought process and decisions seem realistic to me and work well with the plot, sometimes moving forward, sometimes overcomplicating things (which I do all the time, lol). Potential pacing issues aside, I like W enough to just keep reading anyway. The other girls all seem very annoying and a little cliche. However, when I stop thinking subjectively about what I like and start thinking more objectively, I feel like at his point, there is a major plot thread missing. The A plot is the romance and that seems to moving along at an okay pace. But where is the B plot? The romance can be the main thing, but I feel like there should be something else happening. Something the W is actively working towards that will push her and N together. I thought investigating the flowers was going to be it, but that seems to have fallen away. I also feel like by this point in the story, most readers would be wanting more than just little hints about the paranormal side to it, unless this is more fabulism and there are only going to be tiny bits of magic scattered throughout, but then it would need to be labeled as that, not paranormal romance. You don't have to go and reveal everything, but I also feel like there needs to be more. I think so? There seemed to be the same kind of teenage pining that I see in most of the YA I read.

I don't read a ton of non-fiction. The last non-fiction thing that I actually enjoyed was Nonbinary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/42779012

I do wish you had mentioned the animal that died was a because I would've skipped the chapter. Seeing animal death followed up by chickens becoming dinner was no sufficient warning for what happens in this chapter. I just assumed the animal death was the chickens. is the one thing I really needed a content warning for. My anxiety is through the roof right now. Anyway, I'm going to skip the rest of this chapter, but I will probably pick up in the next one assuming However, if I were reading this as something I bought, I would be done. I think a lot of kids would really find this disturbing. The part about chickens being dinner? Fine. Chickens are food. . Does this happen in books? Sure. Will I read those books? No. Did they turn me off to reading when I was a kid? Yes. I recommend taking it out unless you truely believe it is 100% necessary. Maybe C sneaks the dog with her or something and saves it. p.s. C's mom has become an irredeemable villain in my head.

I didn't really think anything about why she picked that day, but it looks like a lot of other people did. And now that they've pointed it out, I think they're right. However, maybe instead of adding a whole paragraph or two explaining it, you can work it in in pieces. You already have a good chunk of exposition before the action starts, which is okay, but if you add more, it would be too much. It does sound like essential information, so see if you can keep it concise and sprinkle it through.

I liked this version much better. I didn't loose interest the same way I did before and feel like I have a better grasp on the setting. The voice also feels stronger. I do feel better connected to C, though I think there is still room to work in a little more emotion, as hard as it may be. Honestly, I think this is something a lot of us struggle with. I think the scene with the tree was strong. I felt emotionally grounded in the character. I felt like I was in the moment with C. The narrative voice gets a little more distant in the other scenes. I'm wondering if you could work in more almost physical reactions to show her emotion in the school scene. When she is looking at her paper, is she tense, sitting still with her hands folded while she reads it? Does she fidget? Does she trace the red marks and messy handwriting with her finger? When she raises her hand, does she do so with confidence? Does she hesitate? Throughout the story, sprinkling these kinds of details can ground the readers, help them make connections, and prevent them from getting too lost in C's thoughts and reflections. One random edit note that jumped to mind. There was one place you wrote "She hears G snicker..." I don't you need the "she hears" part. It's extra words and it add distance. Even as the scene continues, having some scattered references to her physical actions will ground some of the longer sections of internal thought and add a layer of emotion. My answer is yes. You've introduced a character toying with a curse, and now curse like things are happening to her in this strange town. I am hooked. I have mixed feelings about the place this ends. I love the last few lines. There is something poetic about them and they're layered with meaning. However, it's not the hookiest ending point. I love the feeling it conveys, but at that same time, something about doesn't push me into the next chapter and compel me to read more. If I had picked this up in a store, I would 100% read on anyway because I like so much about this chapter. However, if I were a literary agent reading dozens of first chapters that had showed up in my slush, this isn't necessarily the kind of ending that would make me think, okay, out of the dozens of things I've read today, this is the one I have to read more of. But then, that is a very subjective thing. But overall, I think you've done a fantastic job revising this. Yes, it needs a few more adjustments, but it is getting there.

It totally makes sense for it not to get torn down. I think if it did, the whole book would be about it. I was just giving my spur of the moment reaction. Also a very subjective one. I thin just showing them navigating that world will be interesting and have plenty of tension. I don't have any answer about what should be done. I think waiting until you get more feedback on the story and get a better grasp on where you want to go with your revision is a good idea. I think I was 28 or 29 when I figured out I was nonbinary. But I also had never even heard the term before then. I didn't know I could be non-binary because I the concept didn't exist in my head. I remember reading about it and being like, "wow, this explains a lot." I was always extremely uncomfortable when I was in a group divided by gender, but it was years and years later before I understood why. Glad to hear it. :-)

Ok after walked away from the computer I was thinking more about this. I think my comment could come off an insensitive to real cultures that do separate men and women in certain scenarios, so I want to apologize for that. I just tend to have strong reactions to people being sorted by gender because it is something that made me very, very uncomfortable when I was in situations (mostly in Catholic school and other churchy things) when I was forced to go with the girls. And re my comment about drawing from cultures you don't belong to, I think it can be done if you are willing to do the work. You just really need to commit to the research and maybe get sensitivity readers. I don't think it would make the book unpublishable as long as you really do the work to make sure you portrayal doesn't cause harm.

So I have to admit, I had a hard time engaging with and focusing on this one. There was a lot of information crammed into a scene where the physical action just seemed to be walking into a building and meeting up with a few people (until the part about the duel). There was so much backstory delivered all at once through internal thinking that I didn't really engage and kept forgetting things a few minutes after I read them. Bear in mind I have ADHD and if I am not super interested in something or don't find something to immediately latch onto, my attention lags. I am also guilty of starting books like this, so... I felt like it really started at the end. Or could be a lot shorter. I'm not sure I really needed to all that was conveyed in this epilogue right away. Not really sure. I do not like things that are divided along binary gender, so I was getting pretty annoyed with a few things, but that is perfectly okay if the narrative is challenging those things. Like if your mc is ready to start some kind of social revolution in this world, then I'm on board. However, looking at it through the lens of representing actual cultures or things based off of them? I think I live in too much of a white american bubble to really comment on this specific. Lately, I tend to steer clear of borrowing from other cultures because I don't trust myself to really do the research and do it right, but that is a personal choice of mine. My instinct is no because I was fairly bored through it. I am wondering if this is more something that is an important part of the writing process but more for the author than the reader. However, I have no context, so I can't say for sure. I didn't have a whole lot of feelings about them either way. I was having trouble focusing. I was caught up in all the information and world-building and as a result didn't really get a good sense of the characters. Probably too much. I think in general there was too much. I hope someone smashes the gender binary in this story. I want the mc to win the fight against all odds and wind up in a position of power when he expected to die, and that to be part of the main story, but if this is a prologue, something tells me that won't happen and he won't even actually be one of the main characters, though I could be wrong. However, as a reader, if he did die after just the prologue, I would be grumpy. Even though my critique is kind of bleak, I was engaged by the very end and want to know how the fight plays out.

I haven't and probably am not going to go read what everyone else said because I'm getting close to a deadline for something, but here are my thoughts. As far as plot and what actually happens, this seems mostly okay. C is a little passive in this one, but that might be okay as long as she becomes more proactive soon. T was more active though. I liked that she didn't wait and just went to check out the plane. In my opinion, the thing that needs the most work now is character reaction and emotion. This is very distant. The characters do things. We're told about some reactions, but even being told about those reactions is very on the surface. This probably applies to some of the previous sections too but I might not have commented on it because I was focused on other things. Really think about what each character things of everything that happens and how they feel. Try to work more of that into the narrative. I'm not quite sure how to read V. Part of it is because no one really reacts to him. He talks in a sort of cheesy way, which would work really well if that is what you are going for and you want readers to laugh at him. However, if you are going for funny, then I think the characters need to react more to him. If you are going for something more serious, I'm not sure he is working. Funny is good with middle grade, even if it is mostly a spooky book. A little humor can be a good way to off-set some of the scarier elements. I think you did pick a great point to end the scene at though. I'm looking forward to finding out what is in that plane.

I know I read this, and I thought I commented on it, but I don't see my comments anywhere? I am assuming that means I either put them in the wrong story, never typed them, or typed them but never hit submit. And I cannot find it on my kindle, which is where I usually read and annotate. I think I actually read it on my phone while my cat was sitting on me. I do remember being very engaged while reading it. I remember liking W just as much here as in the other chapters. I was really surprised at the end when N asked her out, but not surprised she turned him down. I loved that moment. This whole story reminds me of my high school years, but not in a bad way, surprisingly. I read a lot of YA, but it doesn't usually bring me back to my own memories / feelings about being a teenager nearly as much this does. Am I the only one that likes her? I had none of these issues. I liked her very much in every chapter. Her being uninterested is what made this chapter really work for me. :-/ It sets it apart a little from some other YAs, in a good way. I think it makes more tension, too. I haven't been reading other people's comments because I've been so swamped. Now I really wish I didn't space on actually typing up my comments. I don't recall her doing anything I found illogical. I love her. I have been rooting for her from page 1. I would've like a little more about the supernatural too. I would not. Nope. Her indifference to him sort of makes this fresh to me compared to a lot of other YA paranormal romance. It's not a full blown enemies to lovers. It's not a thing we're the female mc is totally falling for the mysterious boy off the bat. It's something different. Something that actually feels realistic. Her aloofness, disinterest, and declining him works for me on so many levels. So I seem to having a rather different reaction to this story than everyone else...

Am I the first one for once?!? Yay! I liked this chapter. I really connect W and her introversion. Because I really connect with her, even if the plot was going in all the wrong directions, I'd still be reading at this point because I really like W so much. If anything gets trimmed in this chapter, I'd say the opening. While I loved the line about leaving the group chat if it continued after the trip, I think this actually could've started with W getting in the car or even with her already in the car and getting to he beach. While I was reading, I remember thinking that it feels a little too much like contemporary for paranormal romance, and where is the magic? What happened to the flowers? Then E dropped the line about his grandfather looking for magic. It was just in time. And if you trimmed the begining a little and got there just a tad bit sooner, I might not have slipped out of the story wondering where the magic was. I might have stayed more immersed. Something did feel off about the dialogue with E and I can't tell if it is intentional or not. Like he is coming on very heavy with the support talk and being very elusive when W tried to ask him questions. It makes me suspicious of him. IF that is what you want, then it's working. Though I do think it might have gone on a moment too long. Backing tracking a bit, I was also suspicious of B. I was as confused by her as W and was thinking WTF was that all about when she finally left. This isn't necessarily a criticism so much as I wasn't 100% if I was reacting how I was supposed to. If you want me to be suspicious of B, then don't change much. If you don't want me to be suspicious, then maybe re-work the interaction. Now E & B...E's comments about B and his reason for dating her definitely have to stay. Whatever gets trimmed can come from a different part of the conversation. That really had me curious. I am wondering if she is magic like N and E's grandfather is making him date her to get information or something. Or if it is something she has over him. I really have no clue why it isn't his choice, but I really, really want to find out. A few random things: I loved the tide pool line: "There’s always disruption with waves bringing new creatures in and drawing old ones out, and it’s because of that chaos and uncertainty that vibrant life blooms and flourishes here." My favorite in this chapter. The way you introduced N being bi bugged me. There has been a lot of bi-phobia and related discourse on twitter lately, so I might just be overly sensitive to it right now. Unless I missed something in an earlier chapter, when E says "A pause. “Now that I think about it, that last part would have gotten us into trouble if Brittany knew that he’s bi, since she was dating him at that time. And you’ve seen that she can be a bit… paranoid." is the first we hear of N being bi. The idea of bi people being promiscuous or more likely to cheat, or their het partners having to worry about them with people of the same gender is a stereotype I grew up hearing and still hear a lot. I can completely see B being one of the people who holds that stereotype. However, I don't like a negative thing like being used to introduce that N is bi, especially where the narrative doesn't really react to it. However, if it was already clear he was bi and I just forget because WRS, then you can probably ignore this comment. Anyway, for the most part, I was very engaged throughout the whole thing, and I think with some trims and tweaks, and maybe another hint or two of magic, this will be a fantastic chapter! I am looking forward to more.

I like reading battles, but am not great at writing or critiquing them. I was very engaged thought the whole chapter, but while I thought the fighting was well written, it almost felt like it was there just for he sake of having a battle. The conversation between the captains escalated really quickly to the point where it was almost not believable. I guess they both just wanted to fight for the sake of fighting each other? Are the salvagers more like pirates? Was finding a ship to attack part of why they were out there? I feel like I am missing something in terms of the purpose of the battle and how it is moving the plot forward. Part of it might be WRS. It did end on a good cliff hanger though, which leaves me wanting to read more. On another random note, are all of of the crew men aside from the medic/mechanic and ship spirit? If so, any chance of changing that? Unless you are writing historical non-fiction or historical fiction very closely based off a real event, I don't get why they are all men. Looking forward to finding out what happens next!

You're welcome! I'm not sure what you typically read, but I find that a good way to get a feel for the difference to read an mg and YA book really close together. I find that way more helpful than reading articles or websites about what books for each group or genre are supposed to be like. These are a different genre than yours, but Katherine Arden's The Bear and the Nightingale is YA, and Sofiya Pasternack's Anya and the Dragon is MG. I find these two books have some overlap in setting, the folklore they draw from, and have some overlap in themes, however one is YA and the other MG. Reading them close together is a good way to really get a feel for the difference between mg and YA. OR find an author who writes both and read one of their mg and one of their YA books. Like Holly Black. If you read Doll Bones or Spiderwick Chronicles, then went and read The Darkest Part of the Forest or The Cruel Prince right after it, again, I think it would really highlight the difference. If you have any mg specific questions or want any recommendations for mg books to read, let me know!

Why? This seems perfect for middle grade. The voice sounds like mg and the character sounds way to young for YA. If you want to make this YA (which I think would be a bad idea) then you would need to really change the voice and make the narration much closer. In terms of market, if you are going to traditionally publish, heard YA fantasy very overcrowded right now. A lot of mg writers are know are finding agents much quicker than the YA fantasy ones I know. Agents seem to have more room on their list for mg, and the spooky stuff is still in demand. As I read comments: The earnings in the fire place caught my attention. Cucumber boy is interesting. The line about time moving funny seems to explain a lot about the town and my confusion as to when the story was set. This would've been worth knowing sooner. Constance bringing V into house to meet her parents is a good example of why this feels like mg, aside from the voice, tone, and age. In YA, when a strange boy shows up, the mc doesn't usually bring him to meet her parents. Usually it's more like hiding him from the parents, and in a lot (but not all) YA, this would be the "meet" for the romance subplot. I did enjoy the parents reaction and C's confusion about it. The interaction between C and V works well if this is MG because they both seem so young and naive. I think a YA protag would be more suspicious and less open to his help so quickly. "father looks like a man sized bowing ball and mother looks lie a skeleton" okay, so I am now thinking I should be taking this literally. Which works much better for mg than it would for YA, in my opinion, anyway. "...can't be fully qualified to teach all those subjects..." Why ? It's not like it's a super adcvanced grad level class or anything and there is a lot overlap between math and science. I think it's common in elementary or middle school to have people teach math and science. I am 90% sure my sister-in-law teaches both to her 5th graders. I think in her school, there are "STEM" teachers. "I'm sure she wouldn't lie about something that cost so much" I am sure she would, lol But C is young and naive, so this works. This section was much better than the last! I was engaged the whole time. And if you are going to call this mg, I really don't have many suggestions for changes. But if it's YA, it would need a major overhaul. I liked the pacing. I did not get bored at all. It was easy to follow and a lot of the things that confused me about last time were cleared up. I know to take certain descriptions more literally and know not to try to pin pint this to a specific time period. Granted, I would've been more engaged in the first part if I hadn't been so confused about those things. I am guessing they are going to save the town and also figure out why it is the way it is? It's a little vague, but I am fine with that. Overall, this is fantastic middle grade. The tone, the descriptions, the character, the reactions, and even the concept all work fantastic for middle grade. I say this as someone who wrote YA for years and then did a ton of research when switching to mg. I know both genres very well. It is hard sometimes to specifically explain the difference, but this just feels like middle grade. If you want to make it YA you would need to do a major re-write and then you would be forcing it to be something it is not. I strongly recommend you call this middle grade, not YA.

This 100% sounds like middle grade to me, not YA. And if you're on the fence about whether or not you want it to be mg, keep it mg, especially if you are going to eventually try to get an agent. YA fantasy is a very tricky market to break into right now, and there is a much bigger demand for mg, especially if it's spooky. Yes, I'm not the target audience form middle grade, but lately, it is what I read the most of. For a while during the pandemic middle grade was the only thing I could focus on reading. Spooky MG is my favorite, so I am very excited to see a fellow mg writer in RE now! Up until now, I've been the only one writing middle grade. Last year, I put whole mg book through this group and am querying it to agents now. Alright, onto my critique. The voice is distant, but that is okay to an extend because of the nature of the story. However, it would be good to move it a little closer, at least when you are focused on the character and not the description and back story. Sometimes I like the distant voice for this type of story, but feedback I got from agents the first time I queried my mg book was that the voice was too distant, and mine was less distant than this. I like your mc and found her very relatable. I think she is a great middle protagonist! I like the idea of town surrounded by the dead land, however, I was very confused about when it was set. Some things hinted at contemporary, but the school seemed kind of old and the only heat people had were woodstoves. One of my favorite details wee the potholes on the street. I live in an area where the streets are eternally riddled with potholes. I would read on, though with a little bit of hesitation because there were a couple places where I felt like narrative got too slow. There was a little too much exposition in school before getting the paper back, and then I was getting bored with all the stuff about Wood Stove and the family dinner. Do we really need all that? As I read: "C like exploration the best when it's some old abandoned..." Love this! And I agree with C "...down and stop fidgeting..." So relatable! "The homework that Mrs. F is now..." Losing interest now. School stuff is kind of boring me. "...able to find something to write about..." So I swear at one point you said only 4 of them went to school, but this is sounding like something for a bigger class? I felt the same way when the books were getting passed out. I felt like I was in a school with more than 4 kids. When C got the paper back and saw something was wrong, you recaptured my attention. I'm guessing this is the curse coming into play! :-) "...roads are made of potholes" sounds like my town I started to get a little bored with all the details about making the fire. "since indoor plumbing...." so when is this set? I really can't figure out the when. I was confused the first time I saw Wood Stove in caps. I think you took too long to get to why, and in general, have way to much back story about this stove all at once. I was getting bored with it. I was also a little surprised this was their only heat source, though if this is set in the past, I would be less surprised. I loved how the house got too hot. Sometimes in the fall when I'm using my wood stove more than my regular heat, the house ends up almost 80F. "He is a sphere..." I was confused by this description and unsure how literally to take it. I was more or less skimming after this. I got bored and the narrative wasn't holding my attention. I'd probably keeping reading for a little though because I like the mc and want to know more about the curse.

I write both middle grade and YA, but I am very behind and haven't read any of these yet. When I do start getting caught up, I'm sure I'll have some insight.

I don't have a whole lot to add that others haven't already said. The world building is fascinating. While I like S being kind of perky and awkward, I do think it headed too far in the direction of making her seem childlike. I like her, but I don't like how C sees and treats her. The arthurian lore caught me off guard. It's a neat idea to combine that with airships, but the way it came in surprised me enough that it pulled me out of the story for a moment. I suppose that wouldn't happen though if this was something I picked up off of a shelf having already read the blurb. Walking through the town was interesting, but I also felt like there wasn't a lot of tension. Though I suppose you make up for it at the end. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more!

Like the others, I was very engaged throughout the whole chapter. I didn't quite understand all the cellulose stuff, but I wasn't trying to hard to. Knowing exactly what it all meant wasn't critical to my engagement. What was getting a little frustrating was S seeming so powerless, and S comparing herself to E. I started to loose engagement near the end and just give up on the characters. Before they got pulled in, I as already assuming there was no hope of them escaping it, and that decreased tension. If S had been able to make more of an attempt at doing something, if you had left me with a little more hope, then there would've been more tension. The one point at which I was confused in a bad way was S took cellulose from the one laser cannon at the end. Did that accomplish anything? Was it supposed to? Was it just supposed to be one feeble effort that was too little too late? I didn't quite understand what was going on there and I wanted to. And that's it. You left me with quite a cliff hanger now that you're going to be gone for a few weeks.

He's probably already asleep because it's a lot later in in his time zone, so he probably won't see this until the morning.

I was pretty engaged throughout the chapter. I loved G4's reaction at the end when she realized she could just call Ard and I think it would be hilarious if when she called, she ended up talking to A. I am sort of questioning B's motives. Saving G4 is one thing. Offering her a ship is another. I saw you already made some edits. I think that will make that scene through the spaceport better.

I'm a bit late, and I see lots of comments, so I'll try to be concise. I felt like this chapter took a while to get going. There was a lot of telling and internal thoughts without much really happening until art class was underway, and while there was some backstory I assume will be important, I don't know if it is really necessary to have that much of it at this point. I think I would've rather seen the dream as it was happening than be told about it. I loved the glitter glue flowers! Wavered in the begining with all the summarizing of conversation Points where I was most engaged -W thinking about how An's attempt to get into the other girl's friend group sounded too complicated -W in art class or thinking about their lack of art talent -The conversation about science and the flowers with Am No. They all seemed pretty consistent with the time. I think enough did happen, but there was other stuff distracting from it. If you could trim the excess and focus a little more on the things that do advance he plot, I don't think more needs to happened. I still find the mc very relatable and am looking forward to reading more!

I love the concept and you have a great cast of characters (S and her awkwardness and jokes is my favorite), though I admit, I did like the captain better when I was seeing from his point of view than when I was seeing him through someone else's point of view. There were times when the dialogue seemed stilted or people said a little too much, but otherwise, this story is off to a good start and I am looking forward to reading more. p. 2 "A nurse’s bag was slung over one shoulder and there was an elaborate leather belt with a holster for what seemed to be a spot-welder" Is she doubling as a nurse and mechanic? "“Vitals are weak, but there. You seem to be in good health,” Sherry said. “Which is good.” It seems like she contradicts herself here. P. 3 "You’re the one who found me, then?” Nice clear connection to the prologue. "Alright. If you want to keep to yourself, I guess that’s fine." He did give part of an answer. "I remember now. Her red hair " I wonder if you really need to switch to first / italicized internal thoughts. Why can't this information just be part of the narrative? sometimes italic thoughts can work, but here, they seemed unnecessary, distracting, and slowed the pacing down. P. 4 Sa sounds like a jerk. p.7 This is one of the areas where the dialogue felt sort of stilted and clunky, especially when the captain is introducing himself. p. 8 I was getting a little confused in the dialogue about where they are p. 13 I was getting a little confused when they were talking about charts. This area is another place where the dialogue could use some work. P. 15 "I was joking," S sighed and placed..." I love S. I would be so confused if I were one of her patients, but that is what makes her funny and a great character. P. 17 A machine spirit? That explains a lot … and yet, also quite so little. I'm not sure I get it.

The bird people were scary and I have this weird twisted image in my head of a combination of a turkey vulture and an evil K...n from @Mandamon's Dissolution 'verse. And I was getting really annoyed at them when they kept talking about O being sold or a pet and assuming she was from P, which was probably the point, but I didn't necessarily feel like O was quite as frustrated with them as I was. When I think about the situation O was in, I feel like the chapter has all the makings of something tense, but I wasn't really feeling the tension. I don't know if it was just what you were going for, but O seemed more annoyed than in danger. Very in denial of the situation. Maybe choosing to pretend she isn't in danger? Something about the emotions and the arc felt a little off. I'm not 100% sure what the arc actually is. As I read: Epigram (graph?) was nice and seemed to connect back to the reaction the person on the phone that S talked to had in the previous chapter. "making...wet squekching souns" ick. Bird stuck? "Huckkk" So is the gun in it's mouth some kind of cybernetic modification? Why wasn't it firing? Was that bird person in on the rescue and letting her go? Or did he realize it didn't fire? Did she randomly manifest some Ard level talents and control it? "swirls of pink" I know what this is "no way to keep nail polish from chipping in space, not even G G." The easter egg! So nail polish lady to the rescue is the one O talked to via ship comm? The one tried to tow her through hyperspace? I'm guessing she is also a love interest for O? That also didn't quite land how I hoped it would. Close, but some of the reaction seemed lacking. It was almost there though. I have questions about her arrival and motives, but I suppose i'll get my answers I read on. And I am looking forward to reading more.

Yay!! Someone else writing YA contemporary fantasy / paranormal! I say this then realize I haven't really submitted much of my YA paranormal stuff through here. I felt some connection to some of your characters and am looking forward to reading more of this. I felt like it did lag a little when W and A were talking before school, but otherwise, I thought the pacing wasn't bad. The arc or beat didn't quite land for me. I got to the end and I didn't have a firm grasp on what the chapters arc was and where the story was going. If this is romance, I want a stronger sense of who love interest(s) is (are) and at this point, I almost feel like it could be any of the characters. If you hadn't at one point said this was paranormal romance, I might not assume that there would be romance at all based on this chapter. There is bacon on the first page. You win Reading Excuses this week! Bacon = life. I like that the characters are nerdy The nonbinary parent punk rock mom Broody ex-boyfriend Magic flowers!! I assume these are going to be a plot point. Believable teens, maybe people I might have tried to or wanted to be friends with back when I was a teen. W's attitude about school reminded me of myself when I was younger. The following lines were ones I really connected with: "Yeah, but making friends is way harder than everyone acts like it is. I’ll always understand school material if I put in the time, but friendships can go up and down, left and right, or loop around and around like a rollercoaster as they progress" "Am I uninterested? What I do know is that everyone says high school relationships don’t matter, and I know my grades do. No point in taking that risk again. Not after how romance went the first time." The friend seemed to fit the classic YA friend mold and the boys too. But I think this is a case where the tropes and formula will work in your favor. They are what I expect when I sit down to read a YA novel. There seems to be a good mix of personality types and I am looking forward to seeing how they all interact. I couldn't really tell who the LI was and the opening chapter didn't 100% convince me it was romance. I felt like from what I read, any of these things could've been possible: -It could be she is going to be getting back with the ex but this time knowing what kind of relationship it was going to be instead of going in with false expectations about him feeling the kind of attractions she expected him to. Or there could be a friendship to be built here. -Homeschool boy could be the LI. He was cute and awkward and I liked that he introduced with pronouns and got along with the parent. But if it is him, his introduction was kind of overshadowed by the ex. -Or it could be sapphic friends to lovers but they have to figure out they're not straight first (except I'm assuming it's not this because I think you said the mc was straight). -There might not actually be any romance and these four kids are all going to become good friends But whichever it turns out to be, I connected with the mc enough that I am on board. Two random typos that jumped out at me: p. 5 "birt parents" did you mean birth? p. 10 "unofficial trial behind " did you mean trail?

Something about it seemed a little slow this time around. My interest was lagging a but, but that may be because it is a re-read. It may also be because I wanted even more interaction A and his sister maybe instead of so much internal observing of everything. I'm not sure the issue with the first page is that it's slow but with the dialogue. I like the imagery. I'm okay with the carriage ride. But something about the dialogue feels kind of forced and stilted, and that is what is making it hard to me to get drawn in. Well, I don't think realistic is really what you're going for in this. There is a castle or manor and a demon count and magic. However, the reason for staying worked a little better. They're stuck there. They don't choose to stay. So that works better. However, the claim about the driver stealing the carriage is a little flimsy and I don't get why the father isn't really suspicious of it. It's better than before, but I feel like i'm just getting little glimpses of the mom and sister. I think they could still be more part of the story. I feel like the setting and scenery still gets a lot of developed than them. Granted, how much more development depends on the impact you want their going missing or dying to have. The more we know them, the more impact. This is hard to comment on because a lot of the dialogue felt overly formal and stilted, but I also get that maybe you were doing it on purpose to fit setting and/or tropes. The adults were doing a lot of the talking and I'm not really interested in what they are saying. A is 17, but sounds younger than that to me. I feel like this could have a lot of potential as YA dark fantasy or horror if you made the focus more on A and his sister and didn't spend so much time just showing the adults through is eyes. You could probably get some better if it wasn't so focused on the adults. I might keep going because it does have a good hook at the end, and the adults seem like they'll be out of the picture for a bit, so I'd give it a little more time to see if it got better. But it would be a close call.