shatteredsmooth

I'm very late, but here. As I read: "...what had happened to the original research" Yikes! I would have so much anxiety about that implant, and would also be so curious. "He could concentrate on all the avenues at once." Jealous! "A hoped he would catch the idea by the tail before he got to Lieutenant N." As in stop himself from telling it or figure out what it was first? "They needed to take the fight to it, clear out the radian, and create a safe base of operations to continue building the arcopolis."Yes, they do. Since they are stuck there. Though I actually feel bad for the biomass. “You’ve just described fungus,” I love this discussion of kids in this section and how different J and F feel about kids. "...and ate the last bite of steak in the colony." This is quite the ending line. RIP steak. He [A1] took an open seat next to an attractive man about her age.[A2] [A1]She? [A2]A line or two of description would be good here “You’re…you’re drinking fungus alcohol?” This sounds like a terrible idea but I think it’s either consume it or be consumed, right? Might as well get drunk off of it. "Likely non-binary, from their clothes and appearance. Were they just as put off by all the noise and people as she was?" What marks someone as nonbinary in this world? In this whole party scene, the description feels lacking and vague. "It would give her something to do instead of moping." The ending for this section feels a little anticlimactic. Overall this was a decent section. You almost lost me with the A section, but I get the need to be stuck in his head with him for that one scene. And I liked how the rest was so focused on F & J. Even though it switched between their POVs, it felt like one coherent section instead of little fragments. I'll try to get to the next section tomorrow.

I almost missed this as it had gone to my spam folder, which almost never happens with RE stuff. I liked getting to see through the bio matt's POV again. However, I have a limited tolerance for that voice, even though it is fascinating, and was losing interest a couple paragraphs away from the end. However, I can see other readers being fine with it as it is. The throwing out moldy veggies scene was cute but also sad because it is heavily foreshadowing a certain death and I am not looking forward to when it comes. I was pretty engaged with the last scene too, and happy it lasted more than a few pages. It leaves me wanting to jump to the meeting. Overall, a good chapter.

Congrats on submitting for the first time! And sorry for being late with my critique. My overall impression was that on the sentence level, you're writing is good but the chapter takes a little too long to get to the action. Your first paragraph caught my attention, but soon after, I was starting to get bored. I think a page or two to concisely convey that this is an inexperienced prince who doesn't want to fight is all we need before the ambush. I also think it would be good to get a better idea of why the prince is suddenly in command now. You asked if the opening was generic. And it probably is. Prince getting ambushed and having to hide seems like a standard thing, but then generic and tropes aren't always a bad thing. However, like some of the others said, what makes this one different? What aspects make it yours? set it apart from the others? Can you work those into the intro? The prince being reluctant is a start, but I want something else to grasp onto. As I read: Opening paragraph was engaging and got my attention By the second paragraph, I was wondering, if there would be someone more experienced leading? Or is this the first time this nation has gone to war in this generation? "Despite his advancing years, his composure betrayed no ill effect from an imminent return to bloodshed." So is every veteran from the last war too old to lead, so they have someone so young and inexperienced instead? "The rest of his armor rode in the baggage wagons"I was thinking the battle was imminent, that they were just getting ready to fight. "...thought that turned to violence" Now we are spending too much time in his head, too much time thinking about the surroundings. Something needs to happen. “But most men your age—in your position—have several battles under their belt already" So why is he in command and not them? I only wish he had allowed you some experience before expecting you to take a position of command. He held you back far too long.” Sounds true "M was there too, not just B" How could he compare a little kid fight to a battle? Even a skirmish? Is he trying to make a joke and I’m just not getting it? (sometimes I miss sarcasm) "B chuckled through tight lips" Not sure if the cousin fight stuff is really needed? I feel like it is delaying us from getting to something happening. In the section when the ambush began, I like how his focus was on his horse and for a moment, he was oblivious to everything else. That showed what kind of character he is. "...the prince out of his stupor." I’d missed this on my first read through. But I think I need to know he is prince from page 1 though. Being prince does sort of explain why he is in command, but I also want more of a "why now". "He wouldn’t be able to catch the deadly cut this time" I like how focused this is on the moment and the hesitation. I didn't make any comments after that. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next!

So for a week I did daily flash fiction prompts, but kept writing this character and world, so then I combined some of them into a chapter. However...now I am picturing a short story where every scene starts with "Magic requires...." and maybe this is meant to be that.

Originally, I wrote the opening scene as a standalone flash fiction piece, but then decided I wanted to write more in that world. And accidentally switched tenses and then left it because I could decide which I liked better. So I can see why it you got the short story impression. Random question, do you think that opening would hold it's own as a flash piece? She doesn't like animal death and only uses very small magic. There certainly are witches in this world though they would hang around or work at a slaughterhouse. I'll try to make it a little clearer sooner that it's not just that she doesn't like doing the killing but also has issues with the death. I'm even toying with the idea or her being vegetarian or pescatarian. sounds good! Happy to hear this!! I am planning to add more atmosphere and setting. I'll try to get it woven into the begining too. Not entirely surprising since two of the three scenes came out of writing exercises. So should I add more world building and background stuff before the body? Or have the body show up a couple pages in then work in more of the stuff necessary to create investment? Yay! Glad it hooked you in! Thank you everyone for the feedback! I really appreciate it.

As I read: 1 "It felt like his hand was itching inside the skin." This doesn’t bode well for him. 3 "...nothing he had ever seen before." Then you proceed to show something similar that he had seen. 4 Overall this was a pretty engaging section, but I had to re-read the last page or so a couple times because something about the back and forth between thinking about the colony losses in general and present moment kept pulling me out of the narrative. But for the most part, I enjoyed this section. 7 My only critique of this A section is that I am having a hard time picturing the whole thing. I can visualize the water, but not where A is walking. I picture everything outside the radius of where the ship landed as too dense of a fungal matt to walk through. So how wide is it cleared along this river? How big is the bank? How much space does he have to walk without touching the matt? Otherwise, this section was well done! 9 This scene had an interesting realization but as the reader, I’m not sure I need to be here for it. I feel like this whole thing could be condensed paragraph in a different scene. Or even something conveyed in dialogue. I also am starting to get annoyed again at only getting to stay in one POV for a few pages. Every time I feel like I have something to latch onto, boom, the narrative is in someone else's head. My favorite submission so far is the one that only had two POVs. I don’t generally mind short scenes and short chapters, but there are so many characters that it’s easy to almost forget who someone was by the time I get back to them. Granted, I might be less likely to forget if I was reading larger chunks at a time and not week by week. "The Generational" ]Is this F? If he is going to explain J what his chapter just conveyed, I don’t think we need the chapter of him figuring it out and this one. You’re just repeating information and adding to the POV fatigue. 11 We are going to win against this biomass.” Whatever you say, Jane. lol "sounding" Not sure what you mean by sounding 12 "...check the other radians yet." We’ve spent a lot of time in her head and not much has happened. Just filling in / telling about stuff we didn’t see happen, which isn’t super engaging. "She was a part of a moment of history." Nice line! I think part of my frustration with all the POV shifts is that sometimes, nothing happens. It’s just a few pages in someone’s head while they do one menial task and think about more exciting things that did happen off-page. 13 "Ag..." Hoping the rest is of this chapter is all from Ag’s POV and something actually happens. I’m getting antsy. I’m not sure this scene really moved much forward. Again, another update with a lot of telling but little actual action. 14 "A rubbed his hand against..." Oooh glad to have a second POV from someone in one chapter. "... ran from the building." Glad he’s finally going to get his hand looked at. 17 "...to remove your hand"Should’ve gotten that bite looked at right away, A. Overall, you have a fascinating concept with a great group of characters. The world is so detailed and well built. But the structure is taking away from that and not helping. This chapter felt very chopped up to me. I felt like for a lot of it, I was just being told stuff about the world. There wasn't much forward motion. The only character who seemed to really have a complete arc was A at the begining and end, but the middle of the chapter did not have an arc and none of the middle characters, except maybe Al, seemed to have close to a complete arc. Maybe overall they have one, but it's hard to see when it's coming in such small bits. I remember you said you were copying a structure you'd seen past sci-fi authors use, but if I'm not the only one having issues with all the POVs, you might want to consider modifying the structure. Or, if you keep these short, fast changes, make sure each little mini scene has a strong beat and arc so readers are left satisfied with what happened in the little scene instead of feeling like they just had a bunch of information dumped on them. I guess if you are going to keep to the structure, in order for it to work for me, there needs to be less telling, less summarizing of past events, and more happening within the short scenes.

This was much, much better than the last portion. This time it seemed like I ad just long enough with each character to connect and get invested in them. A was still relatively passive in her section, but there was plenty of tension through the call with D, and I was engaged enough to not make any comments. I love how An's voice is so different from A's and really enjoyed the interaction between him and the implant. There was a lot of tension in the cave and I was glad he made it out even though the others didn't. Overall this was a fantastic chapter!

Content Warning: Death, Dead body Hi All!! So this isn't the thing I originally planned to send. It's something new! A first chapter of a brand new book that doesn't even have a title. I haven't written too much beyond this and currently have no outline. I'm open to any and all kinds of feedback. You may notice that one scene is in present tense and the rest is past. I need to pick one. Which do you like better? Do I have too much before the body being found? Thanks! Sara

In the current draft, there are not government types, but if there were, it would raise the stakes and still fit with the world, so I think I may add that in. This makes sense. I need to develop the magic system a bit more, so the questions and nitpicking are helpful for sure. That seems to be the general consensus. I'll trim it. Not WRS--none of the characters actually know yet. That opening is the tone I set out to write. The draft is still pretty bare bones and needs a ton of work, so infusing more of that tone into the narrative isn't out of the question. Thank you all very much for reading and critiquing!

I'd like a spot too--I have one more short chapter from community magic that I want to submit before I pause to revise.

Overall, this one started a little slow then picked up as it went on. I'm having a hard time keeping track of who is who because there are so many different points of view and we are only get short bursts of each character before it moves onto another. I feel like I don't have time to really connect any of them, which is hurting my engagement with the story. The big picture is just interesting enough to keep me reading without getting a chance to connect to the characters, but just barely. No matter how goods the concept is, I need a character to latch onto and that is hard when it keeps switching POVs so quickly and introducing so many new POVs. As I read: p.2 "Did they think there were going to be fighting off aliens on whatever planet they landed on?" I’m guessing they did though a small force against a whole planet worth of people probably wouldn’t have done much. "but A would have guessed the ratio was higher, before the mass sus-ani" Higher in what way? "...it was incredibly fast-growing." Yet they’re landing anyway…probably because the admin didn’t want to go back to sus-ani? P. 3 This first scene feels like more of an update than a full scene. It was mostly just telling. Nothing happened. I’m okay with some scenes like this but hope there won’t be too many. “This day is absolutely stormed, sir,” A told his commanding officer... " Ok, this scene maybe has more promise of something happening. "Ever since he’d been thawed out like some half-forgotten turkey in the bottom of the freezer, he’d felt out of place" Lol distinct voice for this character though I feel like we already have a lot of POVs and am not thrilled about adding a new one. P. 5 Even though I’m not thrilled about the new point of view, this scene did seem to have more action and forward motion. “Have you tried turning it off and back on?” Lol This advice is eternal, apparently. Also, I can't remember if we've met J before or not. Part WRS, part too many characters. "The Galaxy Gloss polish resisted chipping " Yesss!! I having this little easter egg. P.8 “They’re saying sixty percent of the cattle are showing a strange infection, likely fungal in nature." That doesn’t bode well. I see many, many disasters coming. "Things will get better soon.” Which of course makes me think they will get worse. P.9 "at for" Missing word, it? "at it for" "which she would have caught if she hadn’t been nearly asleep." Then how does she know it’s low? Did you mean she would’ve caught it sooner? P10 “No, not there, here.” The exchange this starts threw me out of the narrative. It went on too long without signaling it was being overheard. P. 14 This last section was he most engaging by far. We got a good chunk of time in one characters head and something significant happened.

That is a good idea. In my notes it was The Murican or Merican Republic but I worried it might be too on the nose. I'm sure eventually I'll come up with something better.

Content warnings L because my character probably swears at least V for mention of past violence and trauma Hi All! I have not yet figured out what I'm doing with Ch. 1, but onward! These are currently 2 and 3. Do you think they need to come later in the book? 2 certainly will if I delay revealing A's identity. And I'm wondering if enough has really happened yet to have a "going home for a bit chapter. Anyway, I don't plan to cut these, just revise and potentially move them. Any other feedback is welcome. Thanks! Sara

This seems to be the verdict from almost everyone. I just need to figure out how to do it without making the opening super slow / delaying the inciting incident too long. This also seemed to be a point of confusion for others. I'm intending it to be an alternate Earth. Similar to present day, but a little different, because there has always been magic. I'll work on the world building. I also need to pick a thread to focus on in the begining, and then weave the others in later as subthreads. But which one to pick...that is the hard part. Thank you for the feedback!!

I think that line is going to go. Almost everyone pointed it out and I'm not sure I had really given enough thought to it's meaning initially. That does make sense. I'll try to use a different word there. I was trying to get at they had sort of super hero status and gave the wrong impression instead. Thanks for the feedback!!

I would also like a spot for next week for my next two chapters. 2 and 3 combine are under 5K. Lately I've been liking short chapters.

A lot of steps but this was supposed to be an anxiety spiral and those don't make sense. I was trying to show Al's thoughts not making sense. but maybe they need to be more aware they are aren't making sense. Or I could cut that part. I'm not 100% sure which really is the inciting incident...the funding cuts and the curse are actually closely related but that isn't revealed for a while so to the reader it will feel like two separate things. I need to figure this out, lol. Yup!! Those things had to be forged with a mix of magic and non-magical means. Thank you very much!!

So when I really think about it, the plot is about saving college. The story is about A grappling with their past and who they are while trying to save the college. Breaking the curse is one step in the "save the college plot" that involves both students and faculty. I don't have any student POV chapters, but I might add some later. So maybe that scene with A's colleagues ambushing them isn't the inciting incident. I'll have to think about it more and see what the reactions to the next couple chapters are. I'm not 100% sure I need the other teachers--the students could be the ones who figure out the pres is cursed and figure out who A is, which would push it later. But I'm not entirely sure I want to go that route. I do like having the other teachers in there for a few reasons. I have about 40K of readable words and another 20K of incoherent chaos. Thanks! :-) A has some undiganosed neurodivergence as well as depression and anxiety. D is autistic and has anxiety. C, who has been mentioned by we haven't met yet, has ADHD. J has anxiety and PTSD. They are quite a group, I guess. I might be able to re-word some things here and there to make it a little clearer. A's magic, specifically. But if I restructure I can work that in sooner. You're not the first one to mention this. My logic was they picked something similar so they could easily remember it's their name. lol I had to squeeze a reference in Thank you for feedback!! :-)

The dynamic between Z and S seemed very buried under all Z's internal thoughts and reflection on the past. I didn't notice much dynamic and am having a hard time pulling the real story out of all of that. I feel like there are two threads waring for attention: Z wanting to know why her brother fought that fight he couldn't win. Z trying to figure out who the red angel assassin is. I think one needs to be more in the front than the other and really drive Z's actions. I want to see more forward progress on the plot and less looking back. As I go: p.1 “Is this an idea from one of those books you read? Why don’t you practice with me like we used to?” This reaction seems off topic from what she was just told. Later, having a character call this out didn't make it less jarring. calico Every time I see this I think of cats. "got stern gazes,, " Double comma 2 "...picking on her baby brother" Interesting bit of background 3 Cute little flashback vignette, but I'm not sure how it connects to the plot. I’m still not 100% sure of the plot. I think this would be fine if there was a stronger plot, but without a clearer sense of where things are going, I’m not too sure you should keep it. 4 “Do you think,” S said, “That her knowledge is dangerous enough to bring down H?”[CSA1] Interesting. Now there is more plot. Although, it is a different thread than the other two plots I mentioned in my answer to your other question. Maybe the issue with Z's chapter is that there are so many different things she wants that it could go in too many different directions and doesn't have enough focus. 10 Just like him, I’m not attracted to women... Format-wise looked like this was Z's thought but content-wise it sounded more like her remembering something her bother said. 11 “If she shows up, he shows up" Two different pronouns for S in this sentence. Not sure if that was intentional or not but I thought S just he/him. Probably a typo? 12 "slipped back into her own mind" Starting loose interest in all the backstory. "N’s death was they key to everything, and it was making less and less sense to her." I’m not sure I understand what it is the key too. And I think they should be the. 13 "For one reason or another, N wanted to kill J. And it had something to do with the Red Angel." So is figuring why he did this the plot? 14 "shed more light on what the Red Angel was doing" Or is figuring out who this RA is and catching them the plot. And figuring out hat happened to the brother the secondary thing? There is too much reflection and backstory muddling it. Overall, I think Z needs to have one clear objective / plot and the others need to be made subplots of that. I also would like to see less time in the past and more time in the present trying to achieve one of her goals. The moments I was the most engaged were the ones that happened in the present. I think the scene with S was engaging because it had lots of tension and emotion, and that is the part where I made the least comments. However, it still doesn't have a ton of forward plot movement. Still, I'm curious to see where this goes next.

I wasn't as immediately drawn into this one as the other. The pastel coffee was a bit distracting. But once things got moving, I was engaged and chuckling. I couldn't tell if D had genuinely forgot the laptop or if she forgot it because Y had taken it. The forgetful part is very relatable if that is the case. The grandma was terrifying. Hostile gift giving comes to mind. I was snickering every time the word lube came up. Y was hysterical when being evasive about the JL being on fire. And the old guy with the invisible pen...so sketchy. Can PIs get warrants? One general questions / point of confusion. So when I think of noir detective, I think of murders or missing people. Figuring out whodunit. But it seems like they already know who the culprit is in these cases and D is more of a consultant / let's prove why this dildo was deadly type thing? Am I getting the right picture? I guess this isn't much of a critique...but it's hilarious and fun to read.

I have very little to say about this I was getting a little tired of the politics by the end of the first scene, but most of it was good, and makes dislike the admins and side with the generationals. The first fungus-mat POV scene was great! I love seeing what they think of the ship. (used they because it seems like the thing is really multiple things sentient things all in one?) I was really liking A though I admit I skimmed the last paragraph on page 10 a little. Maybe trim that one a teeny bit? A & D's scene was great, and D's enthusiasm just gives me the sense he is doomed. I think F's scene was my favorite though. And by the end of the last one, I felt bad for the bio matt. Darn colonizing humans... Overall, I really enjoyed this and am looking forward to reading more.

I'm not 100% sure either, but I don't think the inciting incident would work without it. The plot is kicked off by people knowing and by delaying that, I would just be adding filler. I think I'll wait and see how a few more chapters go before I start with major plot changes. The trimming and moving some stuff around makes sense. That should streamline things. Making the building more magical makes sense and will be a fun revision. Thanks for the feedback! :-)

@C_Vallion Thank you so much for that critique! It is incredibly helpful. I have a hard time figuring out just how much world building to put into a first chapter. It's such a tricky balance of trying to hook the reader but not overwhelm them with details throughout. That is totally the image I was going for. The Republic is very similar to modern America. This world is sort of an alternate version of the present day world, one where magic is something everyone has always known about even though not everyone has it. I can add in a line or two earlier to try and clarify this up front. If it was a world where magic was hidden, I would've used a contemporary setting. But since magic is such an integral part of this world and it's politics, I felt like I couldn't just have it be present day America. Also, having it be an alternate world also gives me some space to play more with the politics and social issues. Like I can make things a little worse in that world. I was going for a general "bad anxiety day". I can clarify with a sentence or two, I think. Fair point. I will cut some out. This is more of an A issue than necessarily a narrative as a whole issue, though I am not 100% sure how to make that distinction. A has some strong opinions about things but that doesn't mean they're all right or accurate. Some of it is a coping mechanism to deal with past trauma. All magic is dangerous. I'm not sure if it made the cut or not, but the fancy schools can actually be more risky than the cheaper ones. But it's the accidents a the cheap ones that make the news. The fancy ones cover it up. A's magic is particularly volatile because they're a MUP. So I have a bad habit of making my big bads not very nuanced. It's something I probably need to work on. Like this story does have a literal magic-stealing murder villain who is behind a conspiracy. Granted, the protagonist isn't necessarily all good either. However, I think or hope that future chapters do show more nuance with the social and political issues. Though I admit it will probably take me a few passes to really hit it right. I'll probably need to do a pass over this just focused on the social issues and politics. And I'm toying with adding more chapters from other character's point of views to add more nuance. Right now, it's mostly just A. Though there are a few chapters from the POV of their college friend / ex-girlfriend who is the head of magical law enforcement. And that gets interesting when they have a reunion given A has a bit of an ACAB attitude and still has some feelings for the ex. It was evening class in draft 1...then I made it a late afternoon class so I could squeeze in a tutoring shift on the same day, and put the class before getting ambushed in the faculty lounge. Originally the faculty thing happened first, but the people who read it said I got there too quick and wanted to get to know A more first. So I flipped things. So a lot of times when I think of dead names, I think of them in the context of being trans where when the person is transitioning, they choose a name and the name they were given becomes a dead name. And usually saying it is a bad thing because it's not who that person is. Sometimes there is a lot trauma associated with a given name. In this case, A was an alias but it's starting to feel more like them than their old name. However, there is a part of them that is still Ai even though they're running from that past. They're not really sure who they are anymore. Part of it is a coping mechanism. Ai did bad things even if they thought it was for a good cause. So the new name / identity is a way to distance themself from he things they did. I'm not sure if I'm overcomplicating the name thing or not. Glad to hear this. :-) Thank you so much!

Content Warnings: L for some swearing There is no on page violence but there is mention of past violence Hi All! I'm sending this tonight so I don't forget to do it tomorrow. Here is the first chapter from my adult fantasy novel, Community Magic. It's about an adjunct professor with a past they'd rather keep hidden. It's also about a community college with a cursed president and a government that wants to shut it down. This is my second draft, but I changed so much between 1st and 2nd that it might as well still be a first, so I'm looking for all kinds of feedback.In addition to whatever feedback you come up with, I'd love it if you could answer these questions: 1. What is working / what do you like about this chapter? 2. Are there any places where you lost interest and/or got confused? Where? 3. I have a bad habit of long internal monologues. Did you notice any I need to trim? Also, my non-binary main character uses they/them pronouns, and I haven't found any natural seeming place to explain their gender, and honestly, I'm not sure I want to explain it. Binary cis people don't have to explain their genders in books. I'm not sure if publishing is ready for it, but I want to just have a book where the mc just happens to be non-binary, no explanation needed. Thanks!! Sara

Thanks for feedback! I somehow missed this or forgot to reply. I haven't made any changes yet and am still deciding what to do with this chapter and temporarily switched to a different WIP.