TheDwarfyOne

Random question: A character is, according to a helpful comment by Mandamon, supposed to have three 'sliders' - Proactive, sympathetic, competent.

How does this work if your character's flaw is that they are meek/subservient? You can ramp up the sympathy, but a meek character is by nature less proactive and likely less competent.

I recommend Scrivener. It's a one off payment.

With reference to the self-edited image below: The red blocks are chapters. Within those folders are pages, each one containing a scene. The blue box is (obviously) where you write. The black box is a space for a synopsis. I use this to note where I want a scene to go. There's a corkboard tab in the top middle. Pressing it arranges folders by their synopses and arranges them like sticky notes on a board, for easy viewing/rearranging.

Then there are the separate tabs on the left. The Template Sheets tab holds title-page and dedication info. Research contains anything you want; mine is full of story-theory notes and images, such as of period dress (particularly good when used in conjunction with the split-screen function, allowing me to write while looking at an image.) Setting and Character speak for themselves. You can create links between any of these folders, which is great.

I got it a few weeks ago and it's honestly revolutionised how I write. I couldn't go back to a dozen word documents now.

A fair point! I'll try to be more conjunction-aware in future. I'm sure you're aware how bad the UK teaching system is at teaching grammar 

Lovely! How does she like Virgil?

Also, like the name!

A short story about a girl and a troll.

I wrote a short story I wouldn't mind submitting on this coming Monday? I'm fairly certain no one wants to read yet another rehash of my first pages .

3 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Yay! I don't think I've ever seen my brownie recipe cut out so nice and neat! I'm a heathen who cuts out a chunk out of the pan with a knife whenever I want a piece. Ate 3/4 of a pan by myself last week. 

Thankfully I have a ravening horde - also called 'family' - to eat them for me. It requires precision cutting.

Quote

Are we talking real cookies, or computer cookies? Cause if you got a cookie recipe you're hiding from me, I want it, and if it is a computer cookie - why do all the websites bother me with them!!! So frustrating with the pop-ups! 

Well, I was making a joke about computer cookies. But I do have several cookie recipes. I'll look through my cookbook and type up my favourite in a bit. It's a shortbread chocolate chip cookie thing.

Sorry, I can only email you cookies 

I have made some brownies!

(Oops, wrong picture, I meant to show you the domestic fairies I made. Oh well.)

Thanks to Snakenaps for the recipe. Four eggs? Who'da thought.

Notes as I go:

P. 1.  An interesting start. Definitely curious.

“She was sure she stunk” – overly long, and ‘stunk’ should be ‘stank’. A shorter version would be “She knew she stank.”

Full stops should be used more often, rather than commas. Think of each sentence as a single thought. Random example (mild (G) warning, I think I should add):

“The cyclops ate a sheep, turning, a hand twisting in its sparse hair, grinning with what he saw were blood-flecked teeth, and beckoned Odysseus closer” could be “The cyclops ate a sheep. It turned, hand twisting in its sparse hair, and grinned. He noticed its teeth were blood-flecked. It beckoned Odysseus closer.”

P. 1-2. Okay, I’m confused. I think you have your tenses mixed up? She seems to be lying on the ground in blood while simultaneously standing and stabbing herself.

I’m… guessing she’s dead, then, and the narrator is a ghost-like deal? Previous bits should have been in the past tense.

Wait, she’s alive, they’re giving her food.

P. 2. The psychologist bit doesn’t seem believable. Also, if she was so unstable that she needed a psychiatrist, why would they be trying to throw ships at her?

Were there no hand-rails on this bridge? Why would the airman need to submit a report about it? Why does she still have rank if she’s so obviously unfit to lead?

P. 3. I don’t see any reason to root for this character. They dislike their commanding officer, certainly, but who doesn’t, really? A few lines to explain that she’s on a mission, and most of the walking can be cut out. A first chapter should have a punch to draw you further in; walking around the base can come later. Don’t worry, it’s a mistake I make too

P. 4. The fullstop/comma imbalance seems to be improving.

P. 8. Think about what you’re trying to convey. So, for instance,

“N broke into a run, hoping to catch her sister at the spaceport. She’d deal with the fallout of skipping classes later -- it wasn’t like C would be there to be mad at her, so the worst that could happen was whatever punishment the school bestowed on her.”

Presumably, this is meant to be somewhat urgent. Think about what N would consider in such a situation. Would she think about it like that?

The following isn’t a suggested replacement, just a hastily written attempt to illustrate the point: “N broke into a run, hoping to catch her sister at the spaceport. Her heart pounded. Skipping class – who cared? She put on an extra burst of speed.”

This shows N’s urgency, and highlights what she is thinking. We can infer there may be a fallout, so telling us isn’t necessary.

In sum: A confusing piece, but I think that's a result of its stream of consciousness elements. More power to you if that's how you write. Just don't forget to structure it!

@shatteredsmooth

Lovely garden/house! Looks like a corner of Eden.

@Snakenaps

Quote

I'm too fiddly for mechanical pencils or pens. I always end of breaking them.

They seem to almost gouge at the paper for me. I thought they'd be good to use every now and then for finer lines, but nope. Not a fan.

@Robinski

It is a Sanderson thing! Good gracious man, read Stormlight Archive. I doubt you'll regret it.

@Snakenaps

Ahah, I'll be sure to share the next time I draw something, but it's been a while. I spent a lot of time drawing faces because I felt they were the hardest, so I can't really draw anything else now. I could never manage that horse or dragon (which is class btw). And that was you approx. 5 years ago.

Seriously, you are the only artist. My artistic ability is v. limited. Also deffo wooden pencils, be serious now.

I started drawing a few months back then stopped fairly recently. I should get back into it. It was relaxing, and I managed to evolve from 'can't draw a stick-man' to 'can draw something resembling a human face in the right light.'

I think I have a picture of some faces I did on my laptop somewhere...

Yep, here:

On a complete tangent, I notice that @Robinski is the "Wielder of the Grammar Stick."

By any chance has it ever said "I. Am. A. Stick (Which Is A Noun)!" to you? 

Well, your drawings are definitely better than mine, that's for sure, ahaha.

Dalinar:

And some doctored lyrics:

Okay, so my French isn't exactly stellar. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.

9 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Oooh man!!! That's so cool!!! Bees are probably my second or third favorite animals. Horses are obviously first

Ah, horses. My dad got my sister a pair years ago so she could ride. Xanadu and Dinky, both named by the previous owner. I doubt said owner got the former name from Coleridge's poem, but that's why I liked it

We don't have them anymore, which is a pity. I do still get to pet horses I meet along my walk/jog, though.

8 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

My dog is weird

Your dog's class, I love his tufted ears. I'm trying to pin the breed and can't. He reminds me of a Scottish Terrier, which he very obviously isn't.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

That's a great picture, @TheDwarfyOne.

Thanks! I had my phone, my dad had bought a new (old) tractor, and the dog was out. These things all connected in my head, ahaha.

22 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

One of my favorite joys is watching people light up when they hold Virgil. I wish I could let you hold him. He's the sweetest, most laid back ball python I've ever met. I've owned him since he was six weeks old and seven inches long. Because I've been brought him to elementary classrooms since he was a few months old, Virgil's completely bombproof. You can kiss him on the head all day long and he won't care. 

As for snakes being cool, most people don't consider the fact that because snakes are cold blooded, their pee, poo, and urates (a white, chalky substance of the bones they can't eat) is cold too. I discovered this firsthand, because Virgil peed on me during his first extended car ride. I thought I had spilt water at first because it wasn't hot. 

I was young and rather foolish when I bought Virgil. I impulse bought him due to extreme loneliness and a bully of a roommate nearly four years ago. That roommate didn't speak to me for three days (best three days of my life) and for the eight months she lived with Virgil, she was convinced he was slimy to the touch and wouldn't go anywhere near him. He stayed in my room. That was back when his hides, his little cave houses, were tissue boxes. Now he sleeps in modified litter boxes XD 

My best friend (who poked Virgil in the rear yesterday) used to have a massive fear of snakes because he was originally from Louisiana. Pretty much everything snakey there will kill you. It took me a long while to get him to even go near Virgil's tank. Now he'll hold him. Cracks me up, because my bestie is a massive bear of a man who literally punched the shelf he built for me today instead of using a rubber mallet :/ 

Do me a favor, don't scare your mom, just on the offhand chance she'll one day come around I have a hard enough time trying to convince people that not all snakes are killers. 

See if there's ever a reptile expo near you. That's how I got introduced to it all, and got to hold all sorts of reptiles. Just be careful not to come home with a friend! Ball pythons like Virgil are mostly easy keepers, but they can live over forty years. Plus, reptiles are deceptively expensive, much like fish. 

My mum's a lost cause on the snake front, I'm afraid. She'll not change her mind now.

And one non-conventional pet at a time, methinks. I was gonna buy some hives this summer (can't because of dratted Covid) and still hope to.

Free honey. Yum.

The Alsations are more conventional, though big as wolves. If wolves were the cutest things alive.

I'm perhaps going off on a tangent - 5am to 2pm shifts inspire such things in me - but I'd like to hold a snake.

My brother's friend brought one (its name was Ulster, which was so ridiculous I laughed) into our house once. I learned two things.

1) Snakes are cool - in all senses of the word 

2) My mum has an irrational fear/hatred of them.

Number two was surprising, because frankly the woman could scare a grizzly if she'd half a mind. Anyway, I managed to stroke the snake, but my mum filibustered and threatened to disown me if I did more. She also threatened to move house because the snake had somehow contaminated it? Dunno.

I'd bring one into the house again for a laugh, but it might kill her.

Then again, sic semper tyrannis, eh?

Never apologise for writing an honest critique, @Robinski! There aren't enough of them in the world, and they are to be treasured.

The reasons for changing the setting so drastically:

1) I felt it made more sense to the narrative to show where the stone came from.

2) The prologue was giving conflicting notions of genre. There was a robot so people assumed steampunk, etc.

3) It would be better to insert the relevant information from that prologue in other ways throughout the narrative, whereas the stone is much more immediately relevant.

I've changed it a bit since that, so hopefully some of your other issues have been addressed. Good point on separating the prologue a bit more from the main story.

Interesting point about setting. I did flow down conventional lines, and without realising it. Hrmmmm.

As for Are's lack of contractions, it's because he's a 'foreigner' from the west.

Thanks for critiquing. Y'all are great.

@Mandamon

Quote

Well, this is definitely clearer in terms of overall arc. I think the first few pages could be cut down or away, and start at the fight, which is the whole reason for the prologue.

I had wondered that myself! But so much juicy exposition is in the previous bit. (I've edited the pages down and tried to slip the exposition into the fight scene and its aftermath. I think it definitely comes out better. Thanks.)

Quote

He's a prince, but seems to know nothing about how the object he's studying is directly connecting with the king, his father (I assume).

 

Yep, I need to make the connection A has to the royal family clearer. I was wondering if I could get away with doing that later though. But a few people have pointed out confusion. I may also need to make the connection (and conflict) between royal and religious power more obvious.

Quote

He can be drawn into random conversation and give up state secrets and by small talk. He's willing to invite complete strangers to mess with his research.

He didn't, though? If you're referring to the conversation with the two young uns. He didn't spill, Master H did. Though now that I think about it, the conversation with old drunky should show that he was desperate enough for info that he risked spilling state secrets in public.

Quote

So if we look at the character sliders of Proactiveness, Sympathy, and Competence

That's a snazzy way to think of it, thanks!

I hope I've patched up the rest of your comments as well. It's very helpful seeing what confuses people - I seem to have an issue with that atm. No doubt it'll come with time.

@Turin Turambar

The not knowing why we should look forward to the next chapter is a common issue, methinks. Thanks for the feedback!

@Sarah BI miss the depth too! But I think it was getting in the way of legibility. I figure it's best to diffuse that stuff over a few chapters.

Quote

Iron being reflective: bronze can also be very reflective when polished. I would have thought the value of iron over bronze would be its strength.

I'm gonna go into more depth on the magic later. But different materials have different properties when revesced off. Iron inspires brighter, blinding light.

Quote

"The prefect" I'm not an expert on titles but it seems like Prefect may need to be capitalized, especially when it comes with 'The.'

 

I don't think so. 'The king ate his breakfast' as opposed to 'The King ate his breakfast'. 'The mayor decreed' as opposed to 'The Mayor decreed'.

Thanks for the critique!

@shatteredsmooth

Quote

The two prominent characters had very similar voices and alternating between referring to them by titles as well as names didn't help. The POV also seemed distant. 

Indeed? I'll go through again editing this. Thanks.

Quote

 he is a prince. Is it because this is his passion and he'll be distraught if he looses it? Or is he disowned from the royal family and needs the income? 

 

Yep, clarifying this.

Quote

"triskelion" Every time I see this word, I think of the S.H.I.E.L.D. triskelion in Cap America: Winter Soldier

 

Oh boy, do tell, what's that?  I hate it when people load words I want to use with preconceptions, hehe.

Thanks for reading through it.

Issues:

The prologue

A's career motivation and confusion over connection to royal family. His character 'sliders' not being well adjusted.

No oomph to propel us into the next chapter.

Thoughts as I go:

P. 1. M glared at… who?

Redlight should be red light.

P. 2. The internal monologue here feels a bit repetitive and could be condensed.

I’m guessing ‘ace’ is some kind of American slang?

First time ever, not every.

P. 3. T’s lips purchased together? What did they buy? XD

What’s a suitmate?

P. 4. The first rule of Fight Club?

P.5. “Um, who do you actually have feelings for?” This seems out of the blue and inorganic.

P. 6. M. doesn’t know for SURE that thinking about her body is why T’s fighting is getting worse. It could be awkwardness from the conversation or any number of things.

Call it for the day

The kiss and its instigation feel clunky. I think it’s because you don’t convey the emotions they are feeling, just give a blow by blow of what happens.

“When the suit, no one else was there”?

P. 8. The two sentences beginning with A’s name towards the end could probably be conjoined.

P.9. Her head ached.

P. 10. Huh, her dad’s an angel. I feel like an angel wouldn’t have a similar perspective to M on the whole importance of kissing thing, but that’s a personal preconception.

There was a lot of clunky description in this chapter. I think it's because you frequently tell rather than show. There were 

I feel like I wasn't invested in M, probably because this is the only chapter I've read. So far all I really know is she wants to kiss people but can't, but I don't really care about that. I will also admit that I wouldn't choose this sub-genre, so that may also explain my lack of connection.

Your writing style was good.

And a great name for a snake. Though you should really attach him to a caduceus if you want to complete the Classics feel. 

A second draft. Hopefully this cleaned up things like genre and unsympathetic character.

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

LOL, ah yes. The one with the book festival and more bookshops than residents?

Some people called it WorldCon 2019, but for us it was REcon 1. We knows this, because we have the T-shirts  

Living in Glasgow, I've been to Belfast numerous times, last time as part of a round the UK cruise. I like the architecture. The Titanic museum I can take or leave, but there are other boats / ships around the docks, which I enjoyed walking around. 

I had been wondering since you joined if your avatar was the red hand of Ulster...I guess I can stop wondering  

Hey now, people are meant to assume it's for Mat Cauthon's Red Hand Band, stop spoiling my fun by being knowledgable 

ReCon?

I'm glad you had a poke around up here, though other than the big cranes I can't imagine what Belfast has for a tourist.

I'm biased though. I like the countryside and the sea best.