Mandamon

Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Thanks for any comments!

I'll throw my Mantle of Lowest Priority off with a dramatic flair and request a spot for the 25th. And welcome to TheYoungBard! Saw some good reviews from you already.

I think this was what bothered me more about the "goodman's" this time. If it's Dev's thing, that's alright, but having everyone spout it is a bit much.

I didn't have as positive a reaction as rdpulfer (as you perhaps would expect ;-). I do agree the opening has a lot of extraneous detail, however. Notes while reading: pg 1: cars and headlights --I think I still don't have a good grasp of when this is. I keep thinking this is set before the invention of cars. pg 3: okay, by this point I'm pretty lost. I assume this is Tarquin, but there's a lot of atmospheric description (perhaps appropriate for Paris...) and I'm wondering what happened to Blacklake, Sabine, and the rest and why you're telling us about him. pg 4: why the footnotes for a couple words in French when the rest of it isn't translated? Are these supposed to be internal notes? pg 7: "The tall man seemed sad." --I think this is what's bothering me. You say this is in a "different POV" but it's not even in Tarquin's POV. It's in a cinematic omniscient, with the focus on Tarquin, which reads rather strangely when it's continued for a length of time. pg 8: "She let go of her cousin’s arm" --the other man is her cousin? I think I missed that. pg 8: "You need not worry that I'm a vampire" --Okay. I guess they're something else, then? pg 10: you don't make any mention of the copious blood that must be pouring from a large head wound. Unless Tarquin doesn't bleed? But I would make mention of that as well. pg 12: I guess the cousin is dead? Did he just trip and hit his head, or did Tarquin help him out? pg 12: "pointing into her chest and moved it forward, fingers sliding into her." --Eh? I'm not sure what he's doing, or why, and you end the chapter without answering. So this was...surreal? Also atmospheric, perhaps appropriate with your recent vacation! It's a good characterization of Tarquin, but I was confused as to what this added to the story and why it was inserted now. I'm interested in Blacklake, and the switch, plus not saying who Tarquin is until halfway through, took me out of the flow of the story. Still interested overall, and now wondering how Tarquin will play in to the rest.

Comments as I read: Pg 1: “Leave me,” King Driganeen said. “I should like to inspect the premises alone.” --I understand he's the king and all, but there is a LOT of danger in a factory, and especially in an early steam factory. The manager would insist on someone to be with the king for his own safety. If he wants to go to a secret meeting, maybe he could have the escort move off when he gets to relative safety. pg 3: "tossed the crust over his shoulder," --Unless that's a religious quirk of some sort, I wouldn't think a trained veteran would let food go to waste. pg 4: "Linaye leaned in close, dropping her voice to a whisper. “I intend to wrest control of Laendelwen from King Driganeen.” --interesting, but I feel like I don't have enough information on Linaye to know why she would want to do this. We know she's an exile, but now she's trying to take over the kingdom? pg 5: "Lianye chuckled. Rarely did Rendevere leave her so utterly dumbfounded" --I don't think Linaye would be the one dumbfounded... pg 6: three more "goodmans" on the last page... Overall, this still has my interest, but there hasn't been much more talk about the new land, or any of the aerlands. Since that was the moving event for the beginning of the story, I'm wondering when I get more information about them. It was touched on a little with Pen and Dev, but I'm more interested in the expedition at this point than Linaye and the king (I see Robinski says the same above...) As usual, I seem to be in accordance with Robinski in most things. He mentioned a few other points above, like the king kissing his own ring, that also felt a little off to me.

Actually, I thought the dream was good--the reader shouldn't realize it because Myr doesn't. I was just referring to more description in the last section where he stops breathing. There are not as many descriptors in that section.

Pg 1: "The man’s voice came muffled, as if he was speaking through a ball of cotton, and he frowned. A second later the confusion faded." --I was confused by this line. Do you mean Myr by "the man?" Also, why was he confused and why did it fade? Pg 1: is "erus" a title, or Myr's name? Pg 1: I like that he's using artificial implants to make his art better and more realistic. Pg 2: I'm assuming something happened to the air for Myr to stop breathing. Wouldn't there be lots of sound to go along with that? Pg 2: okay--so the first part was a dream, which explains what happened with his breathing. I still think there would be some sound of other indication of what was going on. I think it stood out since you have a lot of good sense tags in your writing. There are good parallels with the artificial parts and dripping paint in the memory, and his missing parts and blood dripping in real world. But how did they take his lung? That seems like an odd method of torture. I'm glad you clarified that this was the middle of the chapter. It's a bit of "down time" in the middle as we learn about his life. However, toward the end it felt more like an info-dump, so you might be careful how long that section goes on. As to submitting again this week, I wouldn't worry about it. we'll still be here next week, and that will give you a chance to tidy up. I'm also with Robinski that your comments above give some good background for the story, showing it won't all be war stories. Looking forward to more!

I'm still really liking this. I think Turos caught most of the same places I did. It reads very easily and you have a very poetic style. At the beginning, there was some confusion with the giant, which Turos already covered. I made some similar comments. pg 3: "she could clearly see creature before her" --see the creature pg 3: you give the giant a lot of "stony" adjectives: jagged, rocky, etc, but don't actually describe what it looks like. Does it have rocky skin? pg 3: Willow reaches up to touch the giant, but you don't mention her moving in front of it, so I was taken out of a story a bit by that. pg 6: "Lady Olga" --I didn't get that she had a title from the first section, unless it's something you added. The two other issues I saw were where some description could be added, like in the temple, as Turos says, and how the religion works. I was also confused how the words both cause blindness and help to build resistance. There were a lot of actions around Jena that I wasn't sure she could see. I think you have her name as both Jena and Jenna in the text. Overall, still very intrigued by the story, and looking forward to the next entry!

I liked this. It was a fun thought-exercise, with enough artifacts and worldbuilding in there to hint at a larger world. A couple parts you might be able to cut to make it stronger: "There would be no trace of the cut. It had never happened, never been damaged in any way." --I think you could take this out and still get the message across. You've already mentioned that it's phantom pain, which means there is no cut. You've also established pretty well that the character is respawning in some way, so I don't think there's any confusion at the end. I would also get rid of the "What?" at the beginning, but that's just me. It makes the commentary a little too casual for my taste, and takes away some of the bite of the first line hook.

Nope, that didn't include you, so I can drop out this week. I think the tally is: Majestic Fox Supersoup Robinksi Turos Valthyr I'll leave the final decision up to Silk!

My wife will be very jealous. She dragged me through Musee De L'Orangerie twice when we went to Paris about 8 years ago...

Every once in a while, I try to be horribly wrong, just for a change... ;-)

As usual, I agree with Robinski. You explained the changes you made. I'd say press on so you don't get caught it the "endlessly editing chapter 1" trap. I'm eager to see some of the other parts of the worlds you've created that aren't quite as combat-rich.

I dazzle Robinski with grammatical errors and take the mantle when he's not looking. (Psst. I also have something for Monday if there's room)

Yes, I certainly thought she was depressed because of Dr. Foster's death, and I was also wondering that she was still depressed after four years, but figured he was a father figure. If those few point are the only ones you want to make with the prologue, it might be better to include them gradually in the main story. I don't think there was any mention of the circus in the first chapter, which also threw my perceptions off some.

Thanks for the comments! I kept the more advanced terms like teleportation and telepathy in for now just for consistency, even though there were some comments on them last week as well. I'll have to think about whether I want to replace them. My thoughts are that this world has had that ability for a while, so the words wouldn't really be "futuristic" to them. On the other hand, there's the connotation it would have to the reader. I'll certainly tag that for something to look at during the rewrite.

First off, welcome to Reading Excuses! Your writing is very solid, and I wouldn't have guessed either that you aren't a native speaker. I'm also not too familiar with warhammer 40k, but this definitely has that vibe. I really enjoyed the entry quote and the worldbuilding it added. I only found a couple little things: pg 3: "chesplates" instead of chestplates pg 7: "duckboards." Not sure what this is. I'll also second the need for ellipses to break up the section between Captain Vaughan and Colonel Colter. That leads in to the only real problem I have, which is that there are a lot of names floating around, and not a whole lot of characterization. This transitions into the second half being one long description of the battle, which is fine if you like that sort of thing, but I found myself skimming a little. There's a LOT of stuff going on, which is rewarding if you pay attention to it and remember for later. you do run the risk of alienating audiences that don't want to keep up with all the information. But then, I don't have too much room to complain, as I tend to do the same thing... I was a little unclear on what "the drop" is. I assume it was the act of dropping a fresh wave of enemies in? You mention the "Holy wounds" several times, and I got that it was some sort of feature on their uniform, but I don't think you really describe it. I might have missed it. You also mention armor at the beginning of the chapter, but by the end, it seems more like a full mech suit, or at least very augmented armor. Just a note that passed through my mind while reading: Their defense seems to currently be better than their offense. By that I mean it takes many bullets to injure a soldier. So then I wonder why they don't focus on using/researching better bullets? Oh, and I would also drop the prologue if it doesn't add anything specific to this, or doesn't immediately grip the reader. Anyway, great job, and looking forward to more!

pg 2: Slinked. Slunk? I'm never sure which is correct. pg 4: Julia seems not to have much to do. She lies in bed most of the morning, and then watches a little boy for hours. Not very conducive to sanity. Again, this was very well written, and Julia's character is well defined. Her depression is obvious, but I question the time scale a little. It's been four years since Dr. Foster died, but she's just now losing jobs? I was unclear on whether she had taught in between, or if she hadn't played any music since the funeral. I wouldn't think she could hold on to a leave of absence for four years. Even though the subject is not very exciting, and in fact depressing, the prose still pulls me in and keeps me reading. I'm hoping something will happen soon to pull her out of it. Looking forward to next time!

This section was well written, but I wasn't really sure what was going on. I had to look back to make sure these were the same folks as in the prologue (the perils of reading week to week), but I don't think you said then what they were doing, either. In fact, in the above writeup, you mention "her mission" as well, but don't really elaborate. You write these characters like you are familiar with them, which is good, but the readers are not yet. I feel like I missed some setup about who they are and what they are doing. How did they meet? Where are they going? As an example, the guards are almost too awed by Rendevere, I think because I don't know him as a character yet. It's almost suspicious how much they fawn over him. I was also unsure why the two wanted to start a fight with the men at the inn. Are they being followed? Are they trying to attract attention? Right now, I'm a lot more interested in Pen and Dev, simply because I have a better idea of what their likes and goals are. I'm still interested in this, and want to see what comes next, but I would be more intrigued by a better indication of what the overarching goal is, at least for these folks. Oh, and I'm always up for fun facts. I might try doing that as well!

Chapter 15. Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. All comments welcome!

I'll go, if there's space.

Thanks for the feedback, Majestic Fox and Mr. Wednesday! You are probably missing a lot by coming in this late, including some of the other problems in this chapter. As an excuse, I think I was excited to get to the last part of the story and rushed this a bit. If either of you want to read the parts you missed, just send me a PM with your email. Absolutely no pressure though--we seem to have a lot of entries lately! @ Majestic Fox: My main focus for this story was the interaction between the sisters and the complex yet simple magic system, so I'm glad you liked them. To break it down since you missed the rest, hair color + variety of Fruit = a specific magical ability. You are right that Gemeti is a bit dry. I don't think she lives up to her full potential, and that's something I'll need to address on the rewrite. @ Mr. Wednesday: Someone else noted the same line about Kisa becoming bolder, so I'll need to rework that. On "use the magic," I was deliberately more open with calling it magic in this story. In others I've insisted on calling it by name, so I wanted to try out this method. I do take your point that it's sort of like calling out "for science!" I think that scene in HP went through my head as well when writing this! Thanks again.

I've said this in some of the other reviews, but I tend to review what I wrote the previous time when starting a writing session, make any minor edits to word choice, and look for typos. Then I'm also into the writing groove. Before I submit here, I'll read through that entry again, and make any other corrections I notice. I don't do any major editing, though. For that, I wait until I've finished the whole novel, as invariably, the characters and worldbuilding will develop through the story. Then I'll bring the early chapters in line with the final product. Any more revision (unless something is majorly wrong halfway through) is sort of a waste of time, to me. Some of the things I add in the first round of revision are more description, taking out unneeded sections, and adding sensory perceptions, as I'm bad at doing that the first time around.

I run into the same thing. Robinski's good at calling me on it ;-) Generally, if it looks like a cow and moves like a cow, call it a cow. But at the same time, something like "red letter day" has all the historical background that made it into an expression we understand in English. Someone speaking Japanese might be confused by what it means. A good rule of thumb is if the expression doesn't directly translate into another language, try making up an in-world expression.

pg 2: "red letter day." --would this idiom translate over into your world? It brought me out of the story a little. pg 4: “Ol’ Dev’s owed two now,” --owed two what? Comissions? pg 4: "Peon" is a strange word to choose. Like an apprentice? pg 5: "calling the master by his nickname" --probably not needed Are the characters on one of the aerlands? It's not clear. There's a lot of "Goodman's" later on. pg 15: There's a switch in POV in the middle of the page from Pen to Dev and then back, a few paragraphs after. Without some sort of break, it's a little comfusing, since it's been in Pen POV for most of the time. (Glad there's someone else picky about POV's, Mr. Wednesday.) This was well written, very light, and held my interest the whole time. It felt...witty. I'm not sure if the prologue is actually that, or really chapter 1 in disguise, but it was a fun read. I was sort of confused on what an Aerland was and whether they were on one, or whether they were all in the sky and the characters were on the ground. To second Mr. Wednesday, I also noticed the mash of times and technologies (swords, guns, medieval, and rennaissance tech) but I kind of like it. It makes for a playful atmosphere. Overall, this was a fun read. Looking forward to more!