Mandamon

If there's room, I'd like to submit a piece of flash fiction (less than 1000 words).

I think Shrike and Asmodemon covered all the points I would make as well. My big issues were the internal monologue sounding like someone else is in his head and the undefined nature of the Olemus/Essence. There's also not a lot of description to let us know where he is. I think from the last chapter he was outside a village? With the description of the glacier and lake referring to the Olemus at the same time he's riding in a boat, the last section got pretty confusing.

I thought this a better submission than the last couple. We get to know more about the threats to Westerna. Have we heard of Quaris before, or am I just forgetting due to Weekly Reader Syndrome? To me, the conflict fell a little flat just because I'm not fully aware of what Quaris represents. The same with the tension between Stephanie and Jason. The romance there sort of sprung out of nowhere, and then you explained how they knew each other after the effect. It would have a bigger impact if we already knew how much they had done together. The others mentioned Sean laughing at her almost falling, and the kids coming out of nowhere. I had the same reaction as the others. I was also a little confused at the darkness at the end of the chapter. With the ellipsis, I assumed it was in her head, but it felt like it was supposed to take place in the apartment. As to staying and going, I didn't think the first section really added anything except that Stephanie smokes. The description of the objects in the desk was nice, but could be added in elsewhere. I liked the section with Westerna being "taken over," and the inter-office politics. I put my thoughts on the relationship section above, and that could be tidied up. I also liked the section where Stephanie finds Seward. I think this and the politics are the real aim of the chapter. Notes: pg 1: "My own personal ice fortress, Stephanie herself, just call me Elsa. " -- I think this needs to be in italics, and possibly and new paragraph, to separate that this is Stephanie thinking. pg 3: "virtual tanning bed outside" --This struck me as odd since a tanning bed is replicating what the sun does. pg 3: "Not an option, Stephanie thought, in these clothes or this heat. With no option left" --repeating that she doesn't have an option pg 3: "In an instant, the blinding, radiant lights flickered off" --I think you can assume the reader knows how a light switch works. pg 4: "but one sharp kick would splinter" --but WITH one sharp kick would splinter? pg 17: "Ford Focus " --you can probably abbreviate this the second time around There are several places with repeated words or phrases right after each other that throws off the flow of reading.

Thanks Robinski and Molah for the comments! I'll have to post some more here when I actually have a story. Hopefully in a few weeks.

Thanks all. Lots of great feedback on this, and it's helping me develop where I want this book to go. Shrike: Glad you like that idea. I think that's going to be one of my main focuses rdpulfer: Good catches. Sorry about the steep learning curve here, but I was trying to cram as much as possible in the 500 word limit. The full novel should be a little easier to get into. Kammerite: Great comments, thanks! Glad this worked for you. I've been reading a bunch of hard SciFi lately and I was thinking along the same lines with the prologue from multiple POVs to set up the story. I think I'm going to go against my usual advice (Robinski will laugh at me) and go for many POVs in this book to really see the world from all sides. This seems to be done more in SciFi than Fantasy, and I'm interested to see how it affects my writing different characters.

I think that's it in a nutshell. My plan so far is to have the "generationals" as an older working class on the planet at odds both with the native-born and with the highest-levels administrators, who had longevity treatments before they left Earth (and have been in coldsleep most of the time).

Thanks folks! This is really helpful. It seems like you're catching the promises I'm setting up and what the concepts for the book will be. This bodes well for the plotline. Royhu--interesting that you picked up on the horror aspect so early. I wanted to introduce some of that in the story a la "The Thing" or "Alien,"where the new lifeform is so totally alien that communication is very hard. I'm glad everyone's got the colonization and different "castes" of people, as well. I want that to be another aspect of the story. Something else Shrike picked up on. I really like exploring what happens in a generational ship bound to colonize a planet, but I also want to deal with the lifeform on the planet. I want the story to be set on the planet, but I feel like a lot of that conflict takes place prior to that on the ships. I don't really want to skip around between decades, but I also don't want to miss out on that part of the story. I'll have to ponder on that...

Shrike--thanks for the extensive critique! Just as an explanation, these are potentially prologue/starting points to the story, but I haven't actually started writing yet. Interesting to see the response on the first section. I was playing around with writing in only passive voice to give an alien feel, but I was concerned that would make the entry fall flat, as you say. I think you've identified the promises I was going for, but obviously there's some more work to be done. Great comments on where you expect this to go. That will help me out with outline planning.

First off, welcome to Reading Excuses! Overall, there was a lot of interesting world building here, but less in the way of plot and character. There are a lot of descriptions, but not a lot of reasons behind them. I felt like the delay in explaining things to Theavis drew the story out longer than needed. Why couldn't anyone else tell him what was going on or how he lost his memory? You've also introduced a lot of characters in the first two chapters already, which cuts down on the time we have to get to know the protagonist. Some notes: There is a lot of description in the first couple pages, describing the room, the alien's clothes, and the woman, but not a lot to connect us to Theavis. How do the descriptions affect him? pg 3: It reads like Theavis loses his memory again here. Not sure why. pg 4: "The fat creature's upper half got thinner and thinner as Theavis scanned the creature with his eyes" --I don't think Theavis scanning the creature changed it's thinness. pg 5: Theavis' reaction to Norland collapsing is sort of strange. I would think he would show more interest. And then Norland is awake again a few moments later? pg 6: "Theavis ran his tongue along his.......................................... 28 teeth." --is this pertinent? pg 7: "Theavis's dry tongue sticking to his teeth reminded him that he was dying of thirst" --do you need to be reminded that you're dying of thirst? pg 7: "“Water would be great, thanks,” " --again, Theavis seems completely uninterested in spectacular things happening around him. pg 8: "hold 20 gallons of water " --unless he measured it, you might just say "a lot of water" pg 8: "achinian" --I don't think we learned what Sterling was before pg 9: "McTuggard walked over to Theavis (while using only two legs Theavis noticed)." --I thought Sterling was the one with three legs? pg 9: "the bestial thing" --which of the things is this? There are several aliens in the room fitting the description. pg 10: "She said Theavis has to wait til she wakes up to get answers" --Why? There doesn't seem to be any explanation for this, and it's starting to sound like delaying explanation for plot. pg 11: If McTuggard is so huge, the rooms and hallways in this place must be very large. You don't make much mention of them.

One caution on this though, which bit me on a submission last year, is the audio aspect. While reading, it's easy to distinguish, but if this is in audiobook format (which is increasingly popular) it's harder to differentiate.

As-yet-untitled SciFi story: I’m using writing prompts from this year’s W.E. master class to put together my next book. Here’s some of the first sections I’ve written with the prompts I worked from. I’m looking more for what’s identified in each prompt (what promises I've made, and what the "gee-whiz" is), but all general comments useful as well.

I may have something short for next week. Just bits and pieces of what I'm working on to see what the response is.

Ugh. This exactly. I've queried each novel I've written, but I always stop once I start getting into writing the next one and realize all the problems the last submission had. Then I can't imagine querying the old one with all its mistakes. On the good side, I know I'm getting better each time I write something new!

OK--that thread was just fun to read through after the fact.

1 The Rithmatist 19 Writing Excuses 22 Reading Excuses 19 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 24 Stormlight Archive 21 Mistborn

20 The Rithmatist 2 Role Playing 20 Writing Excuses 24 Reading Excuses 19 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 22 Stormlight Archive 20 Mistborn

I liked the old woman bossing the skeleton around and telling it how to rake. Reminds me of Nanny Ogg from Discworld. Or maybe Granny Weatherwax. pg 5: "Henrik held his breath as the the door " --extra "the" Very cool story so far. I like that the protagonist is the "evil" one and the men trying to kill him are what we would consider holy. I'm interested to see more of the Light and the Fire. You have a good intro to the world, which is easy to pick up on. I also like that Alduin cares for his skeletal creatures (whether out of concern or just because it takes effort to raise more). You have a couple humorous spots mixed in with necromancy, and the odd combination helps draw me in. I don't really have anything negative, except that some of the blocking in the fight was a little confusing. I had to read a few of the sentences twice to figure out where a dagger was thrown or who got killed. Shrike76 mentions this same thing above. I also agree with Shrike76 on Alduin's name (I thought the same thing) and on Henrik's POV. That said, they didn't really bother me. I didn't mind the extra explanation about the Balance. It didn't feel like info-dumping too me. It maybe wasn't necessary, but at this point, it just raised my curiosity a bit more. aside from that, very nice! I'm looking forward to reading more.

There was good description in the tunnel scene on this one. I also liked the various monsters and what they were doing. It gave a sense of life to the chapter. That said, not a lot happens. Renfield gets to the terminal, finds out Bannister hasn't done anything, and then remembers he knows all the exits. All of these are good things, but I feel like they aren't really progressing the story any. Since the first couple chapters where Renfield sinks Dracula and the hunters mess up a bust had some action, but since then, not really anything else of significance has happened--it's been more character building. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but fully developed characters that aren't actually doing anything are still not that interesting. Anyway, hopefully I'm not being too harsh. I still like the story concept, and I'm eager to see what happens when the hunters and monsters start to clash. Notes (mostly grammar things--there were a few typos and unfinshed sentences this time around): pg 1: "but the Renfield’s family " --The Renfields, or Renfield's family Pg 1: "Renfield stopped thinking about the past. He had more important things on his mind. " --Unnecessary Pg 1: "Renfield really didn’t want what these tunnels held escaping " --incomplete sentece. pg 2: "fireless locomotive, powered by hot water which coursed through the rounding cylinder. " --how old is Renfield? pg 2: "He kept the phone pressed to his face." --maybe to his ear? I have this visual of a phone smushed right into his nose. pg 3: "Freudian sick." --Freudan slip (Is that error itself a Freudian slip?) The humor with the wall/gorilla seems a little forced. pg 4: Is there some significance to Gill being put out of commission by a chupacabra? I was hoping to see more of him. pg 5: "Renfield watched the gorilla’s blocky form depart, and then made his move." --This makes it sound like Renfield was planning to be intimidated by a gorilla... pg 6: "Fury" -Furry pg 6: "giant man with a bald head and electric eyes strode into a tab carrying a slab of meat" -electric eyes? Tab=lab? pg 7: "There were hammers in one hand and several nails." --one of his hands? Where where the nails? pg 8: "Bannister reached for a towel and began to dry off his hands." --Were his hands wet while he was hammering? pg 9: "Renfield’s mouth dropped into a smirk" --I don't think a face can drop into a smirk...

13 General Brandon Discussion 4 Events and Signings 13 Cosmere Theories 12 Mistborn 14 The Reckoners 16 The Rithmatist 14 Writing Excuses 10 General Discussion 13 Role Playing 20 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 0 Alcatraz 0 Warbreaker 0 17th Shard Discussion 0 Creator's Corner

This was certainly an easier read than the last one. You do have an engaging syle, but there are still some consistent grammar issues, such as apostrophe use, noun/verb agreement, and comma usage. Kang's thinking also get's very "explainy" at times. It seems like he's only thinking to give the reader more background information. There are several good action scenes and some good humor throughout. However, Kang seemed overly smitten with Lumi immediately. I wasn't really sure where everything was taking place. I think you said it's in a village, but how big is it? What do the houses look like? Are there trees, streets, animals? As for promises, I don't think I've really read enough yet to understand what the promises are. We haven't really "started" the story yet, as you're still introducing the characters and how they react. I suppose there's a thread about Kang gaining some sort of powers, but I'm not really clear yet on the magic. Some other notes: pg 1: "manors basement" --manor's basement. pg 1: "the building last inhabitance" --the building's last inhabitant pg 2:"Quite Variik" --Quiet Variik Pg 3 "A sharp cramp runs through my mid-section. Priorities. " --He's stopped a couple times on the way to pee. I would think if it was that bad, he would have gone and listened on his way back. pg 3: "frozen on the ice" --good in-world idiom pg 5: ". "No, I have not. In fact I have never been west of the Inner Sea of Ice.” She spits out bitterly." --You've done this a couple times. The tag at the end is not a new sentence, it's a continuation of the dialogue, so it should be: Ice,” she spits pg 5: "She smiles at me. "That is your question then?” --She's asked about five questions before this... pg 7: "Lumi Stiffness." --stiffens pg 8: "Warlocks! But weren’t they were hunted to extinction by the inquisition over a decades ago?" --This is pretty info-dumpy

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Wish I could listen to audiobooks at work! Unfortunately, I have to focus too much on my job and I lose track of the audiobook. Cool technique on listening to what you wrote. Does that let you pick out parts to edit or just get you back into the writing flow? I always start writing by reading what I wrote the time before.

3 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 12 Events and Signings 13 Cosmere Theories 12 Mistborn 11 The Reckoners 12 The Rithmatist 12 Writing Excuses 11 General Discussion 8 Creator's Corner 13 Role Playing 20 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 0 Alcatraz 0 Warbreaker

I liked that you showed the other side of the last chapter (I had to go back and refresh myself on what happened), and give a reason for what Irving is doing. However, I'm still not quite sure what he is doing. It's all very secretive, but it reads more like there are secrets just to ramp up the tension, rather than for a specific reason. I don't know what's starting, or who Irving is secretly working for, so I just shrug and keep on reading. However if you said the end of the world was starting (or whatever's happening) and Irving was secretly working for Dracula, who's not really dead, (or whoever it is), it would give me a lot more reason to turn the pages, so to speak. Still liking this. Now that we're in chapter 4, I would like to understand more about the world and how the monsters and monster hunters are grouped. Notes: pg 1: "The Buyer didn’t operate such codes." --under? pg 2: "something like the Buyer in the first place. Or at least they would think that at first. ' --repeated word pg 2: "The creatures he lived walked the world for centuries before someone finally drove a stake in their cold, dead heart." --Wrong word?

Then I shall deliver the last blow! 9 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 12 Events and Signings 12 Cosmere Theories 14 Mistborn 3 Warbreaker 11 The Reckoners 13 The Rithmatist 2 Alcatraz 10 Writing Excuses 20 Reading Excuses 11 General Discussion 11 Creator's Corner 11 Role Playing 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul

We're up to 16! Let's make it immortal!