Mandamon

Details announced for the Writing Excuses Scholarships! http://www.writingexcuses.com/2017/01/16/the-2017-wx-retreat-scholarships/ Note there are 4 scholarships this year, two for applicants with financial need, and two more specifically for writers of color to attend. Since this year's cruise is in Europe, the traveling/hotel expenses are $1000, included with the scholarship. The cruise itself is also covered, which means all meals and accommodations for the week. The only part not covered is if you wish to go to WorldCon, which will happen the week afterward, in Helsinki.

@Jedal see the pinned thread linked below for how to apply to the forum and get on the email list for critiques.

@Jedal it's attached to the email.

Hello all, Here is the first chapter of a novel I plan to self-publish this year. This is in the Dissolutionverse series I write, but doesn't require any prior knowledge. What I'm looking for: Are you interested in the character and hook? Is the character's situation coming across right? Any other confusion with events / setting / plot. Thanks!

I'd like to throw my name in the ring for next week. Have a first chapter that needs some eyes on character. If you've been around here for 2+ years, you may recognize it!

Forgot to post this last week: For anyone interested, registration for the 2017 Writing Excuses Cruise in the Baltic is now live! http://www.writingexcuses.com/2017/01/03/an-announcement-and-a-miniature-faq/ This is paired with WorldCon in Helsinki this year, so if you live in Europe (or can manage travel from elsewhere) this is a great chance to attend a writing retreat with several big authors, then go to WorldCon with all your new friends from the cruise! There will again be 4 scholarships this year, details announced on Jan 15th.

Overall, a little confused on some of the plot, and Ellis is again being very overprotective of his sister. pg 1: A page of description before getting into any dialogue or plot movement. Starting to skim. pg 2: "had a dreamgarb that could figure out all the people who used the washroom recently" --I'd like a little more solidity to the magic. What can it or can it not do? Can it do anything, if you have the right dream? pg 3: "He needed to be there if Sofia came back and they demanded a blood test to ensure her safety" --why? Can she not defend herself? --evidently: "Yeah, she's fine." Ellis said. "She's good at protecting herself." pg 3: "El-uh... newcomer!" --why would he stop saying Ellis' name to call him "newcomer?" pg 4: "What would they do if a kid's scared of the dark, or small spaces?" --Good question. Now I'm wondering about that. pg 4: "None of what you said means anything to me." --So Lothurn knows Silla? Confused. Why would Silla know more about this than the experienced Lothurn? --Oh wow..I've ben confusing Silla and Sofia. Makes a lot more sense now. Might want to give some character tags to identify them. pg 5: "since the nightmare still hadn't fully recovered." --recovered how? pg 5: "The wooden stock of the musket morphed into a wheeled bracket to hold the metal cannon" --it seems very powerful to be able to summon a cannon out of nowhere. Pg 6: Sort of confused what's going on. Where did the sentries come from? Does the nursery know they're protecting them?

Oooh! When do we get to see?

Ch 8 revisions: This reads a lot cleaner this time, though not sure whether that's because I know what to expect. I didn't stumble over any sentences this time, and the relationship between Savae and Kathalania is better. Ch 9: pg 1: "She busies herself by going over a book on arcanistry law, and finds nothing of pertinence to her needs. Not even anything she can extrapolate from." --Is this in reference to learning magic, or something else? Unclear what her "needs" are. pg 1: "It's not even wanting to stave off his departure, just not even wanting to look at his face." --awkward pg 1: "Her hands flex, and she has to force them out of fists. / This house was never meant to contain a mere two people..." --The dissonance between these sections are jarring. I think it's meant to be, showing what things used to be like, but comes across more as if Lasila's thinking well of her brother, but her body is angry at him. pg 2: "You haven't had time to reach the walls that I have." --Unsure what walls. Political? job-wise? pg 2: "I was hand-chosen by a senator..." --This gives a better side to his argument than before. I can see his point now. pg 2, end: "I don't want our last conversations before I go to be arguments." --He said this exact phrase at the top of the page pg 3: "we could end the war, you know? " --I still don't know enough about the war to know if this is an accurate statement or what it means. pg 3: "But Varinen drops to one knee, and unsheathes the sword..." --This is a good section, if a bit melodramatic. But it does fit with Varinen's personality, so I think it works. pg 3: "I always hated when you called me Lissa." --this and the response are good pieces of character building.

A lot of this is introspective. The first couple paragraphs are fine, but after that point I want it to tie into something in the narrative, or I start skimming. The whole first page is "thinky thoughts." pg 3: "Outland trash,” said the boy, because whatever hunger he felt was nothing compared to the certainty he was better than someone else, anyone else." --nope. Don't believe this. If the boy is that young, and that hungry, he's not going to care about a made-up social stigma. He may just try to steal the bun and run because he's scared of her, but I doubt he would call her names. pg 5: "But I wanted you to know what Lyan was like before the letter." --this breaks me out of the narrative hard. It goes from a 3rd person story narrated about/by Lyan and suddenly makes us aware of the narrator as a different character, when they haven't been. This is actually what they talked about the WX episode from this week: "12.1: Variations on First Person" Overall, buy in with the character? Sure, I guess so. She's an underdog, so pretty easy to root for. Like @kaisa, I don't really see what the mother was getting at. Lyan's gainfully employed, if poor. I'll also agree with @neongrey this this isn't as good of a start as last week with Till.

Glad someone else has the same reaction. I read all three books because I really wanted to like them, but never really did.

As usual, similar response as @kaisa, with the qualifier that I do think it could stand alone, if the ending is punched up a bit (a lot). Many words below, as I was traveling in the car and had time to ruminate... Overall, I love the worldbuilding and conversation about "other" and how people perceive things differently. I felt the ending was lacking as it moved the focus away from these points. Even the title points more to what Ilnathoa is doing there and promises (I think) some more spywork or some secret revealed. Aside from that, this piece is very strong, and could be turned into a thought-provoking short story. Notes while reading: pg 1: much better explanation for the lamina. I like that Ilnathoa can use it to step to another place. Pg 1: "Clutter" repeated within a couple paragraphs. pg 2: the caterpillar and the introduction of forms and excessive politeness is very good. This sets up the whole exchange between Ilnathoa and Hailin well. It's an interesting take on assumption of the unknown as well. On the one hand, it makes Ilnathoa feel alien, on the other, she makes good points about the constructs of language. pg 3: "Why, it will devour the world, of course." --very cool. I"m drawn in by the alien feeling of the worldbuilding and this ends the scene with a lot of tension. pg 4: "about the colours of the things she is wearing" --Unclear. About the colors Ilnathoa or the servant is wearing? pg 4: I like the idea of recording into lace. A very tactile memory. All of the description of their writing is lovely. pg 5: Selling lace as painting...Also very cool. pg 5: "telling of the ugly heart of a people who think they know beauty" --Lol...very meta. pg 5: "She cannot resume knitting with her fingers trembling so" --Don't quite get this. I don't know why Ilnathoa is nervous (?). I didn't get that impression from her conversation. More smug, if anything. Pg 5: "Love is... a myriad concept..." --A bit confusing. Ilnaotha is thinking before this, so I assume it's her speaking, but it could be either. I don't know who's taking which side in the discussion, so either could be postulating this statement. We find out at the end of the phrase that it's Ilnathoa, but it would be clearer if we know before. Pg 6: Hm. This discussion about love is a bit more esoteric. The previous ones were enjoyable because they were worldbuilding. This one might get a little preachy, debating a philosophical point, especially to the point of forcing change on others. Starting to lose me a little. Not that it isn't a good point, just a little too on-the-nose. pg 6: At the bottom of the page you address the war and note that Ilnathoa's people started it, though there's nothing of what the war is about or why it got started. Especially if this is a stand-alone story, I want to get more of that information. Maybe it's later on? I wouldn't mind a little more of this in the main story either. The whole war has been pretty vague. Pg 6: "Less strange than the people of the swamp." --same thing here. I didn't know there was another species involved. Might be better just to leave the mention out unless it comes up again. Drives a lot of unanswered questions. pg 7: You sort of hint the war is religious in nature and that better communication might solve the problem. I'd like a little more about this, if that's the case. pg 8: "Ilnathoa slides her legs out of the closet, lands her slippered feet on the floor. She rises to her feet and shakes out her veil, letting it settle just above her waist." --This is about the most description we get of her. You remark on how alien the species are to each other, so I'd also like a little more description. I still have no idea if Ilnathoa is mammalian, reptilian, or what. She has a heart, and no eyes, and presumably feet and hands but no wings, and that's about all I know. The rest could be anything. Does she have hair? Scales? flippers? tentacles? pg 8: "Their hands, their cheeks-- is the whole of these aelin so smooth?" --This makes me think she might be scaly. Pg 9: Hm. The ending. Sweet, in a way, but I think too soft. At this point, I'm more interested in what Ilnathoa is than what her name means. Nice that she is sort of forming a relationship with the servant, but I don't think that's the focus of this piece. It seemed to me more focused on the subject of "other" and how different types of people regard each other, and so I was expecting some revelation or duplicity from the priest, or a little stronger reason for why Ilnathoa is in the Aelin's realm when their negotiations are taking place with her people.

I thought this POV was better than that of the siblings. Lothurn is much more adult and competent. There's a bit of repetition in the history, which I've marked below. Could easily make this a lot tighter with edits. pg 3: Good description of making the musket ball appear. Things like this would be helpful in defining how the dreaming works in the earlier chapters. Also, wouldn't he be remembering musket fire, not cannon fire (unless he wants a cannon ball to appear in his musket)? Pg 3: good exchange between Lothurn and Silla. Tricking her into revealing she can't return people makes him more competent. pg 5: "You had that watching me the whole time?" "It had the sense to forget certain rituals, if you're worried about that." --Not sure what this exchange means. pg 6-7: The background letter is a bit wordy. I don't think you need all (or any of, really) this information. We already know his wife and son were killed. You could put in a couple lines of dialogue talking about the letter and cover this information. pg 7: "The burning memory" --Is this what is causing the heat? Is the memory actually causing him to overheat? Unclear whether it's literal or figurative in the story. Maybe WRS but I don't remember him melting snow in the last chapter. Pg 8: again, too much explanation for what has already been explained. I'd rather learn something new. Pg 9: I'm guessing this ties into the sibling's narrative at this point.

Heh--I'm keeping that name, too! Of course, I also had plenty of fun talking about Nick's "pocket friend"

Good to see you back, @Robinski!

Very similar comments to @kaisa (as usual). Good writing style--it pulls you in. Lots of description of the Titled People--can't really keep them all straight and they probably don't need that much intro. pg 11-13: getting a bit lost in the plot. Most of it has been description until now, and now you're describing specific events in vague ways, and I'm not familiar with them. Chapter 4: a lot of the same feeling as the end of the last chapter. I'm sort of lost, and feel like there's a lot of story I'm missing. I read the prologue, and I'm not sure where/how this ties in. Overall, as kaisa says, It's easy to read and the characters are real, but I need some plot to know what's going on. Right now I'm completely lost, though I do like Til as presented to us.

Ch 3 is better with tension, but it still doesn't hold up the whole way through. Also, might be WRS, but who is Lothurn? I don't have a good feeling for the character. Ch 4 has some tension with Sofia's secret, but this would be a better hook earlier in the story. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Much better tension to start, especially the boy calling for help. Pg 2: tension starts to lag, as the monster is imposing, but then monologues about how he's right. Too much talking before he decides to attack. pg 4: "Even while condensed and infused inside matter, the memory itself was less than half the age of the opposition." --Not sure what this means. Pg 4: blocking is unclear with the...burning house? Not sure what the memory is. pg 5: passive voice: "A brown bullet fired from the musket" "Kaisan's mind was burnt and shattered" Still feels too easy for Lothurn to defeat Kaisan. The monster says he's going to freeze all the children, but then Lothurn shoots him easily, with no consequence. pg 6: "And yet, the townsfolk were eager to shift from misery to gratitude.They showered him with money and supplies" --Eh. Too much. These villagers are half dead and should be asking him for extra supplies. Pg 7-8: don't really understand the alchemist reviving and then killing the man again. Does she just lug this thing around to make a point to clients? pg 9: "still be eating by now." --either still eating, or eating by now. pg 9: blue slime - is this the same stuff the alchemist was using? If not, I'd change it to something else. Right now they seem like the same thing. pg 10: "Look, we need to come up with an explanation for why you aren't sick." --interesting. So Sofia's immune in some sense? This would be something good to lead with in the first chapter, rather than burying it four chapters deep. (reading further)...ok, so Sofia is powerful, or can hold more dreams than normal? Definitely lead with this is the first fight to give us a point of interest for the char. Right now both siblings are sort of bland (as is Lothurn).

I liked this piece a lot. It's very 'quiet,' but it informs quite a bit of the world you've created, the politeness and forms of names, the gender dynamics, and the gods. It could easily be turned into a short story or even a prologue for the book. I'm guessing Ilnathoa is autistic of some sort? I'm not very informed on different types, so I may be missing some nuance. Also, is she a human, like Savae? Or is she one of the Shudkathra? I'm thinking the latter from the reference to the Dragon and the veil. "Lamina" is repeated a lot. The word by itself doesn't mean a lot--just a layer of something. I'm not sure what its referring to here--air? magic? Aether? I don't think we've encountered this yet in the other submissions.

pg 1 could probably be cut down, or come after the conversation with the veteran. As it is, I sort of skimmed it to get to where something made more sense. This is just a list of strange changes. pg 4: "seven-yr dreamgarb " --? pg 4: "Ellis noticed how Sofia looked upward with narrowed eyes at some point while he was blinded by his restoration." --How can he see if he's blinded? pg 6, top: The end of this chapter is very vague. Is someone actually spying on them? Why? Or is it a coincidence? This part of the chapter still feels very insubstantial--and yes, it's about dreams--but I'm having trouble keeping focused on the narrative. For chapter 1, there needs to be a definite hook that draws the reader in, not just fighting strange objects with little or no risk. I guess they're at risk of losing their jobs, but neither one really seems concerned by the prospect. pg 6: "Sofia pretended to stretch her arms." --why pretend? pg 7: "Anything unresolved by night went into their journal, so it could be saved for another day." --As in dreams? pg 8: Ellis and Sofia seem very immature, especially to be guards. They're very peppy about everything. pg 9: "If your hair was a slight skip lighter" --? pg 9-10: Mostly skimming. I don't know any of these places or things or why they're important to the story. pg 11: jacarandas - I hope this tale has something to do with the story...this isn't adding much. pg 12: "Where's your sister?" / "Your sister is in danger," / "She'll be fine," --The tension never really forms here. The guard somehow found Ellis, but doesn't know where Sofia is. Shouldn't he be just looking for Sofia? Ellis seems completely unconcerned her life may be at risk. Overall, there's not a lot of tension here, and not a lot to drag me in. I really like the concept--fighting dreams, but there needs to be something very concrete in the first and second chapter to get the reader engaged. Right now it's very soft and fluffy, and Ellis and Sofia don't have very strong emotions one way or the other. They don't seem to care about keeping their jobs, or even whether one of them gets sick.

Similar response to @kaisa. The end of Chapter 2 was better, though I had some notes on it. Chapter 3 doesn't have much to pull me in except that I'm more sympathetic to the humans. The twins don't have a whole lot of personality or motivation for going out to see the humans. Seems like something to pass the time for the rich elite. Right now, a lot of your writing is doing one thing at a time. One tip that helped me a lot with tension is always make sure a scene is doing (at least) two things. For example, develop the plight of humans (which you're doing) but also give one or both of twins something to right against. Maybe have Nessian try to stop them or something and Stephain has to stand up to her. pg 1: a lot of time spent looking around his cell. Maykn only notices the pain much later, which would probably be the first thing to hit him upon waking. If some of my nails had been pulled off, I would be aware of that well before noticing the lighting and the toilet. pg 1: "What in the world--He didn't see any creases in the wall, how could that be?" --unneccessary pg 4: "They were the first twin-born in all of Phearisiawithin the last several centuries" --eh, I'll accept it I guess, but I'd want to know more about why this doesn't happen and why it's so important. pg 6: "Lillian set the glass of wine back down on the automaton's tray and sat on a nearby floating chair. It adjusted its height for her comfort. She pulled out a mirror and began checking her make-up" --yeah, so nothing's happening and they're aking idle conversation about humans. Not much tension. It's also a bit of a maid-and-butler, discussing whether humans would do the evil thing if they knew the evil thing was happening. This goes on into the flashback on the farm which, while illuminating, doesn't really move the story forward. pg 9: "I've never seen hair on myself, or any other phearisan for that matter. They were born instead with patterns that covered their head. Each unique, like a fingerprint" --Infodump...

Oh yeah, Savae is a jeweler. Haven't had a POV from them in a while. pg 1: "so they continue." to "perhaps only one or two who spare even the slightest bit of skill on jewelry." is somewhat interesting, but could probably be cut or reduced. Not sure what noting the number of archmagi of earth adds, since I don't know what they do. pg 1: "image of Kathalania drowning in her own blood." --this is a bit over the top, especially after thinking well of her a little bit ago. Was Savae thinking Kathalania did the sketch? pg 2: "I'm bloody well beholden to your doodles now," --Ah. I guess she did. Savae gives a better explanation for their rage here, but it seems excessive when they first realize it. pg 2: "I-- but why's it such a problem?" --can probably be cut. Her question comes out in the next sentence. pg 2: "If she doesn't buy the piece, I've lost my chance." The clay melts around their fingers, twisting and warping into shape. But it's not right, it's too fluid."I should just kill him. Save some trouble, keep Varael storming Ashana from pissing after even more of my time." --this was hard to follow the first time. Had to read the next paragraph and come back to understand. Aside from that, I didn't really have a problem with this. I think laying out the political system at the end of the chapter gives us a better glimpse into what's going on. It's at least in dialogue, and done while Savae is staring at a wall or something.

Ugh. Yeah. I live in NC, and have been trying to figure out what I can to do fight back against this sort of thing. There are a lot of angry people here. On a happier note, welcome back @Silk and hope you continue recovering!

@TKWade - No problem. Anytime! Also, this recent podcast with DongWon Song has some great info on indie presses and self publishing vs. traditional publishing.

*Waves* @kaisa and @neongrey hit a lot of the key points. My driving factor was Kaisa's last paragraph. I feel like my writing is about ready, and I really think the latest novel I've subbing to agents has a chance. I self-pubbed a couple novellas this year for a few reasons: 1) To get my name and author brand out. 2) To have some work to show to agents that I'm serious about writing. 3) To have something that can earn a bit on the side if I were to get Trad published and known by name. 4) The subject matter I self-pub is a little more niche market, and I want to keep control of the amount and variety of what I publish, as well as working with the same artist for that universe. Honestly, I probably published the first novella a little too soon. It could have been better if I published it now, but then that's always the case isn't it? I made a choice to put my work out when I did, knowing that would propel me to write more and write better, and learn from my mistakes. Self-pubbing is a lot of work, but I feel much more prepared to work with agents and publishing houses from doing it. In the past year I've learned about printing, trademarks, copyrights, small businesses, DBAs, starting your own imprint, book covers and how to design them, websites, Amazon selling strategies, ebook publishing, etc... Marketing (this is Neongrey's "slush pile") is a huge portion of self-pubbing and I've found a bunch of resources in the past few months. I'm trying lots of things, to see what gives me the best return for the money. There is a lot of crap out there, and you have to know how to show off your work so it's not regarded the same way. Next year I'm going to try to get into some cons and see how hand-selling books and (hopefully) being on panels work. The big plus is that none of this research is wasted. I know how to self-publish semi-efficiently, and if I become a traditionally published author, I already know a lot about the industry, and won't be as blindsided by working with them. I can also leverage their marketing my name to sell my self-published works. That may be more than you wanted to know, but let me know (or PM) if you have specific follow-up questions.

Chapter 5 pg 2: "Do you want to marry Senator Linphori? I know the intent is that you will, but if you like, I can try to structure these clauses to give you whatever space you need." --This is much better, very clear and to the point. It leads into the next discussion nicely. pg 2: Children: This explanation will help along the next chapter as well. Overall, this read a lot cleaner, and kept my attention better. The conversation about Iluya needing more than one person was well done, and when all the secrets and embarrassment about it are laid out, I think it gives better definition to both characters. Chapter 7 Header - Interesting. We haven't heard anything about the stone or what it does, unless I'm missing something. Sound like Linphori is a powerful house. pg 1: a little hazy who's POV this is. I almost missed the first clue and was thinking it was Adrichel's POV to start. pg 2: "She could keep experimenting, get devoured by a demon sometime within the next three weeks." --eh? Is Iluya experimenting with shudkathra magic? So...the relationships are rather arcane. Eshrin is sleeping with Iluya and with Adrichel, while also escorting Lasila to the party? Adrichel comes off as a lot more creepy and manipulative here than in the last chapter, but this does set up how Lasial is being maneuvered into places of power. Glad to see more of how things are working in the background. I know last time that was one of my big confusion points.