Mandamon

Good to see this again! the first chapter doesn't seem as refined as the second, though I did like the hook. Could be a little clearer with some of the dialogue tags. The second chapter is a lot of fun to read, but by the time I get to the end, the novelty has worn off. Quirk's banter can hold me for a long time, and this has some great character building, but nothing really happens. the drop itself is anti-climactic, and I feel that that's the point of this chapter. I feel like something else should happen to keep Quirk on his toes. Right now, there's nothing preventing him from simply leaving and going back to the belt. Notes while reading: pg 2: "The business-suited man" --not thrilled with this pg 2: "(because transporting mass cost money) then opened his hand towards his android companion, also suited." --Having both a parenthesis, and awkward phrases around "suited" makes the first paragraph hard to read. I want to be drawn in by it and instead I'm stumbling over it. pg 2: "slightly shocking" how? Smooth? Rough? Pg 2: "Begin, right? Okay, in the beginning, there was Bourbon." --Actually, I'd make this your first sentence. pg 3: "The man leant forward" --I assume the one behind the desk? pg 5: "It works. He smiled. Synaptic mapping bloody well works." --cool hook. pg 6: "000010" --Lol. Pg 6: forgot how much I like Quirk. pg 8: "even thought he knew the fabric " --though pg 9: "resisting the urge to put hands in pockets, his or anyone else’s" --love this line. pg 11: "It had been ten days since his last attack of cynicism. He smiled. The recovery continues." --Lol. pg 11: "look, different from " --extra comma pg 11: hmmm...the drop itself relieves all tension from this chapter. I want something else to happen. pg 13: the flirting is cool, but at this point, the chapter has been all banter. I really like Quirk, but I also want something terrible to happen to him.

Hello all, Here are chapters 1 and 2 again, with lots of revisions. NOTE this contains sequences with anxiety-related issues, so if that bothers you, might not want to read. There are less changes in chapter 1, so if you don't want to read the whole thing, I'm looking for more critique on chapter 2. Looking for: -Whether these epigraps work better -Does the anxiety come across better (this is toned down from agoraphobia to general crowd/ new places anxiety -Emotional connection to the characters Thanks!

Tentatively on for next week, assuming I can get corrections to chapter 2 done over the weekend.

I see. I thought these were the earrings, but then was looking for some confirmation from Savae about how hard they were to make or how the design might fail at an inappropriate time. The lack of Savae's reaction made me doubt they were the same earrings.

@neongrey thanks for explaining! I feel like I've learned a lot just today. I'm planning to put warnings on chapters in the future that deal more with the anxiety portion. In the meantime, @kaisa has helped me out with a sensitivity reader.

@neongrey very sorry to hear that. I certainly don't intend anything I write to ruin anyone's evening. Goes to show how much I need to improve.

@kaisa I am in agreement with you, and definitely not trying to censor @neongrey. I'm obviously going to need to learn more about this and work on this chapter, and on this issue in the book as a whole. I apologize for the above post--my main point was that I would ask Neon to at least try to give a critique on my next version of this and see if I am getting better at representing anxiety correctly.

Pg 1: still a bit too much talking about clothes for me, considering it goes on to the next page. I find myself starting to skim. End of page 2: There's another layer of text going on underneath what they're saying, but it's hard to put motivations to the words. Are they spiteful, or just playing? Beginning of page 3: "very clearly not saying that she's no longer a girl." --I think this sort of thing is where I'm having a problem with the subtext. Is this conversation so subtle that one side needs to affirm basic facts of the other side in order to not appear snide and dismissive? Does Lasila saying she did things as a girl somehow mean the other side thinks she's still immature? It's not that the conversation is untrue, just that I fell like I'm missing a lot of underlying emotion without reading every word for multiple meanings, which is very tiring. Maybe it's just me. In the next paragraph Lasila apologizes for her slight. Eshrin seems to accept it, but now I'm not sure. This is where I get confused with character motivations. pg 4: Savae's 1st paragraph I had to read about three times. Kept confusing "their"=overdressed fools for "their"=Savae in the next sentence and was wondering how Savae knew how the fools' cordials tasted. pg 5: Is Aserahin Ealis the crime lord Savae met earlier, or is it Varael Ashana? Lots of names here, and I have trouble remembering. edit: I think I remember Varael being the crime lord... pg 5: "So their little student's a senator's child. " I think Savae has concluded that Kathalania is Mishtrobal's child, but I'm not completely sure. pg 5: "In his ears, Savae catches sight of a pair of platinum earrings, and some truly scintillating moonstones. Good, good. " --not sure why the moonstones, or maybe the platinum, is a good thing? Pg 6/7: lots of talk here: about Lasila's brother, but nothing concrete as no one saw anything, about the canals, but no theories, then Melqueth takes Eshrin away, maybe for some private time? Are there deeper meanings here I'm missing, or is all this just setup to get Iluya with Lasila? If so, could probably cut this section down. pg 9: "A whim seizes them, and now they understand why they so idly worked with their glass before. " --So Savae didn't know what they were doing? I would expect them to always be aware of the angles, from what I've read so far. pg 9: What's going on with Riruna? Is Aserahin trying to take over the district? Or prop Riruna up? Sort of confused.

@neongrey this is precisely why I'm submitting. I know this is a problem, and so I am getting reactions from readers. You've given a lot of good feedback here and in the above paragraph, which will help inform my writing. To your question, no, I do not suffer from this anxiety, which is exactly why I need help with getting it right. Hopefully I can get it better the next time around, and thus have a better story. I've noticed you turn off and disengage from a lot of your critiques, refusing to read any further. If it's triggering something for you, then fine. However I get the feeling you turn off from a lot of critiques more because you disagree with what the writer wrote. If I'm wrong, please let me know. It feels a little disrespectful to me that you stop giving feedback on such a number of issues, including writing skill, abelism (as above), or simply because you have lost patience. If there is a specific reason you will not read something, please let us know on this forum, so we know what to expect from your critique. Otherwise, I would love to have your continued feedback. It's one of the best ways I know of for writers to get better at writing a variety of characters and settings. EDIT: I apologize for the above, based on some clarity from Kaisa's post below. I need to do some more research and rewrite this chapter. Does anyone have some resources they would recommend for researching anxiety, therapy, and agoraphobia?

This was a cool piece, and I like how it gives us a lot of information about Ellis and Sofia. I'm not sure how this would lead to a betrayal, though, unless there's a lot more of it. Regardless, I think this information would work to connect us to the characters more. Both personalities are much better here than in the main story. The trick is where to put it. Honestly, I don't know if I would be invested enough to read through half your story before getting to this revelation. It could be a prologue, but those are sort of out of favor. Could be a dream sequence, but that had its own problems. Notes while reading: Great first sentence! Interesting to read about Sofia's Song, but not really sure what it is. Is it something she dreamed, or a part of her? From the first line, I was thinking it was a part of her. pg 5: "redness prevailed on their face—skin flushed with eyes dampened and pink." --awkward pg 6: "but eventually remembered how he spoke best and played something soothing" --awkward pg 9: "Eleven days after Ellis turned two, his twin sister finished being born." --also a great ending sentence, though it could be cleaned up a bit. I'm not sure why his parents were so sad. Since this world is so dream-like, I don't know whether it is unusual or not for a birth to be like this. Ellis' parent's reaction made me think birth was like ours, but after the ending, I'm not sure any more. I think this would have a bigger impact if you could iron out that detail for the reader.

Thanks @Vreeah! Fixed the sentence with "out." It somehow got deleted... Let me know how the switch from chapter 1 to 2 works for you. Some guesses are in the right direction, but not completely right--no ghosts, though! I can see how the cold would make you think that. It's a different sort of energy drain.

Hello all, Second chapter! Agaon, this is in the Dissolutionverse series I write, but doesn't require any prior knowledge. What I'm looking for: Is the difference between Chapter 1 and 2 too jarring? Or does it pull you in? Are you interested in both sam and Origon? Does Sam's agoraphobia work? There's a lot of stuff here. Let me know of any worldbuilding confusion. Thanks!

Thanks @Ernei!

Thanks @Robinski I managed to find it without the link, but it took about 3 (as fas as I can tell) identical searches for it to show up. That's Facebook for you.

Eh? Completely missed this, somehow... Did a quick search, but didn't find it. @Robinski can you post a link?

I'd also like to submit on Monday.

Arm flail!!!! I also really like the color scheme. Reminds me of the art palette for the board game "Abyss," which a friend of mine bought solely on the colors. Please do--and send me the link! More press is always better.

I agree. I've submitted to both of those (and got rejected). Basically, there's no reason for you not to apply to the highest paying markets first. Never assume you should start with a free or low paying magazine just because you're less experienced or a new author.

The Grinder is good place to keep track of short story markets, and who's accepting what. I've used it a couple times to search for magazines that fit my stories.

Thanks! I just changed it over a couple months ago. The old scheme was very clunky.

Overall thoughts: Yes, this is better than last time. It's a bit clearer what's happening and when, and the ending is much more definite, and shows Charlotte wants to do the right thing. That said: I wasn't very hooked with the story, mainly because I was looking for the SFF aspect, and most of the story is simply an account of a woman with cancer. Even for a non-fiction book, there needs to be another hook to bring the reader in, and I think that's missing here. This comes out more in relation to the ending. Why does she make this choice? The first time around, we all thought something was missing. Now that hole is filled in, which leads to further questions about Charlotte's character, which I think can make this a lot more interesting. You mentioned the first time that there is the one-liner about most people getting a lot better when taking the pill. So this means the majority of people choose themselves over making society better. THIS is a much better hook than the rest of this story. Why? What is it about this society, or about our healthcare, or what have you that makes people choose themselves? Personally, I think many people would make the same choice Charlotte did, but I'm an optimist. At the very least, bring this point out a lot more. This is already an Idea story, but the Idea is buried in the middle. Edit: forgot to address your last point. I think if you explore why most people made the opposite choice, it will give better character building to Charlotte. Notes while reading: Pg 7-8: Lots of telling here. The emotions would be stronger with onlyshowing them. "Panic and horror once again took control" "Charlotte realized" "she was consumed by fear" "In that moment, all reason left Charlotte" Pg 9: not sure why she has this urge to go to Dr. Golan. I mean, probably a good idea, but you could at least give a reason like, Dr. Golan might know what was happening. Lots of "began to" in your writing. Most of the times, these can be removed. pg 11: “Hello?” --I thought this was Charlotte speaking, but a few lines down it turns out to be the man behind the desk. pg 11: "white cloves"

I need to do that too! I already have one of Andrew Knighton's short story collections--he was on here a while ago. Over twice as big! I'm going to start working with the artist early on this one, probably after this draft is done.

For you, I would recommend skipping right to the first couple episodes with Mary...aha...go here: http://www.writingexcuses.com/guests/ and do a search for Mary Robinette Kowal. Then listen to those episodes and she starts full time in season 6. The guys say multiple times how much of a help she is. I think she's probably one of the most knowledgeable of the four. The whole podcast gets a lot more enlightened as seasons go by. This year they're getting some new POC podcasters to help them round out the cast. Piper is really cool--I've talked with her a lot on the last couple cruises.

Lol--thanks! I may actually have pre-orders later this year O_o

Great comments everyone--thanks! I was debating whether to submit the first 2 chapters, as chapter 2 clears up some of the our world/secondary world pretty quickly, but it was just over 5000 words. Looks like I need a little work on the epigraph to ease the reader in. @Asmodemon had the reaction I intended, but others did not. Glad you and @rdpulfer liked the agoraphobic character--I'm really want to get that part right. @kaisa, the epigraph is only referring to the part where Sam takes the heat of the fire and the hole appears in the air. Seems like I need to clarify that as well. On Aunt/Great Aunt - yes, age might be a giveaway, but depends on age of the parents. Also, it may be a Southern thing, but my family routinely dropped the "great" in aunts and uncles, which always made it confusing to me growing up. I'll post the second chapter next week. I'd be interested to see if it clears up people's confusion (@krystalynn03) with genre and suggestions on how to bring that into the first chapter. Thanks!