Mandamon

Thanks @Robinski both here and in email format! Yes, I agree tension is off somewhat here. I can shorten this section. I think it was mainly that I was having too much fun with a small tie-in to Seeds (did anyone catch that?) Very helpful comments all around! I will probably take you up on that... ;-) Me too!! That will be most helpful!

Hmm...I like this too, but the lights are all the way up the wall, so possibly confusing to readers. Yep--I've poured through that several times. His titles seem to get shorter as he wrote more, but his most famous works are the early ones, so I erred on the early side.

I think this is the best contender so far. And I'll just make this the subtitle...

Thanks @Silk! Pinnacle maybe, but I think the others sound a bit too much like a mountain, where they'll be climbing a vertical wall.

"Journey to the Preeminent of the Nether" "Journey to the Five-Star of the Nether" "Journey to the Excellent of the Nether" ;-)

That was actually the inspiration for it, so I'd say good! Not really...It's a kid's book. They're going to reach the objective. It's more in how they reach it. This one's alright, but I'd want to substitute 'Nether' for 'world,' and then I'm almost back where I started. Something like this name is probably my second favorite, but it lacks that last bit of poetry, and the reference back to Verne... This is also a good point, and appeals to me as well. Thanks to @industrialistDragon, @mrwizard70, and @Robinski! This is a great stress test, and I'm finding I like the original name better and better as more come up. One last thing. Which sounds better? "Journey to the Top of the Nether," or "Journey to the Roof of the Nether?" (although 'roof' gives me the impression of being on the outside of things, whereas they'll be staying inside the Nether.)

Thanks @mrwizard70! I'm starting to feel more confident in my title...

Ah yes--I knew there was another reason I was wary! Although if kids like Minecraft and end buying my book...this is a plus? No necessarily. I just like novel titles that are easily accessible. Like most of the examples you gave, it's at least a word with real-world usage, so that's good. I definitely wouldn't want something like "Silistra" or "Rathorn" in the title. Maybe it's just me. This one has potential, as does "Ascending the Wall of Light," but I'm wondering if that's going too general and doesn't actually tell anything about the book. Thanks for the input!

Need to tap the group mind on a title. My second novella that's coming out soon is a Mid-Grade Jules Verne-like adventure, in which a band of explorers are climbing the walls of the Nether for the first time. POV is the daughter of the head explorer. My first choice for a name is: Journey to the Top of the Nether But I'm sure about putting "Nether" in the title since it's a specific in-world word. Should I have something more generic? Does anyone else have ideas? Here are some I came up with, but I don't like any of them as much as the first one: Climbing the Walls of Light The Walls of Light The Walls of Crystal From the Ground to the Sky

Not a problem. I was starting to lean in that direction anyway. I could easily substitute a portion of the mid-grade novella I'm currently writing. I need a lot of help on getting the voice right. I will probably take you up on that... ;-)

Ah--ok. I'd never heard of it before and thought there was a typo with "Great Lake."

Hmm...thanks @industrialistDragon! I was sort of afraid of this. Maybe it would be better to hang back from submitting the rest and ask for some beta readers after applying the feedback so far? I'll also be getting comments back from other readers who haven't had week long breaks, so I can compare notes.

No problem. Thanks!

I'm still enjoying this a lot. I didn't really have anything to comment on for the first half. It all flowed smoothly and made sense. The meeting with the elders was interesting, and I felt added a bunch of worldbuilding we haven't seen yet. I'm glad we got an answer to W.'s difficulty with the town. it's all very unfair, but also easy to see happening. I'm with W all the way up to the end of the section, but then she pulls the line about pretending to feel something for L. Hopefully this will be answered in the next section, but it seems out of character for her to pretend to like someone, especially since she notes L as being one who had shown her kindness and she needed to repay. Definitely looking forward to W breaking free and getting out into the forest, whether with L, or the huntress, or alone, I'm not sure. I have a feeling there is a lot that isn't as it seems with this little village. Notes while reading: pg 6: "pain shall be visited upon those whom the dark god’s touch falls upon" --take out the second "upon" and this is perfect. pg 6: "strange ears" --I wasn't completely sure on this the last time it was mentioned. It seemed like was just the inside of the ear that was different, which seems a very specific thing to focus on. How obvious is the difference? pg 6: "We have questioned why you feel the need to escape from such work" --I wouldn't think getting away from lifting stone and shoveling dung requires too much questioning... pg 10: "scrapped up the wax pools" --scraped pg 11: "crouched over a writhing loom beetle" --I remember that too! Which makes this section all the more poignant... pg 12: "There’s other jobs that need in hands tomorrow." --?? pg 14: "It was a cruel thing, making him believe she reciprocated his feelings for her" --So why is she doing this? It seems out of character for W.

I also didn't have a problem with the dialogue, as @kais says, some of it was a little stilted, but it fit in with the older time period and military bent. There was a lot of grammar stuff I didn't mark, as I assume you'll clean this once it's off an ipad. I also agree the boy's motivations were unclear at the start, but made sense at the end. Moving a couple lines closer to the beginning can fix this. My main problem was him switching back and forth between giving out information and trying to save his neck. I would think a member of an insular community wouldn't give away any information they didn't have to. THAT SAID, I enjoyed what we've seen of the MC's character so far. He's capable and intelligent, and had learned a lot by watching, even though he's a wharf rat. I think fleshing out his character can make him very enjoyable to read. He reminds me a little of Locke Lamora, though without as much snark. Giving him a concrete reason for spilling the fortresses' plans could be an interesting hook (he hates the lord, he wants to be a pirate, he doesn't like hurting people but likes stealing...etc...). Notes while reading: pg 1: This might be on the edge of too much description and not enough action, but it's still drawing me in. pg 1: love the curse! pg 2: the MC is almost doing an infodump, telling the pirate everything he wants to know. pg 3: "drop in his likeness to shoot me on a whim " --?? pg 3/4: I'm not sure how I feel about the MC spilling his guts about the best way to take the fortress. It's interesting, but I want to see where it goes and how it affects his character. pg 5: "I’ll probably be hung for turning traitor.” --Yeah, I think this is problem I have. MC says he's saving his own skin, but giving away so much information might be more hurtful than helpful to him. pg 7: "you could help the boat we leave behind to stay alive" --??

Generally agree with @kais (no surprise there). I also felt like this was a lot of tell, and little show. However, this is a lot more exciting than the first couple of chapters. You could probably cut those down to a couple pages and have this as the end of the first chapter. If you're bored with something you're writing, or it's not working, then it's probably not needed! I think writing the forest scenes will slow everything back down. I was actually kind of surprised and pleased when I realized you had jumped from them kidnapping her to bedding down for the night. If there's nothing interesting that happens, you don't need to write about it. This has the start of a good story. Now you've introduced the bloodlines, the prince, and A's ability, I'm much more invested in the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: There's a lot of discussion of exact skin color. You could probably simplify this down to a few descriptors. pg 3: This is still text from last time, right? pg 3: ah, ok. She can speak to animals. I was wondering what that thing with the horse was. By the way, this section should be the start of the book, or very near to it. pg 5: "J's not my servant, he’s like my brother and he happens to be a lord.” --ah, I thought A was referring to the horse... pg 6/7: infodump here. This could be conveyed a lot more smoothly. pg 8: There are a lot of missing commmas in here... pg 9: "does not have the ability to turn into humans" --humans, plural?

Well, since we're starting already, can I also have a spot? Should have two more weeks to finish out the novella.

Yeah, I was afraid of this happening since mysteries are more plot driven. I'll probably still do the last two sections just because, but I should also be getting other beta reader feedback by the end of March, and then I can do the second edit and have a second round of betas. Lol--it's funny you mention that. If the characters had gone digging under the house, they would have found something!

First off, I think this does work as its own chapter. You could maybe change the separation between the two to when S is taken captive, just to add some length? Though then you don't get the explosion in the first chapter. I like S as a 17yo better. It fixes some of the weird lengths of time S has been alone, and makes the relationship with M more recent. Notes as I read: pg 1: "my ears filled with the peppered explosions of" --this just sounds weird. pg 1: "The cart hit a root and the left side jumped into the air" --I was for some reason thinking the ox bolted and was unhitched and the cart was still. I think just because there was no sense of movement. pg 2: "Well, I was already covered in blood. A bit of my own wasn’t going to make much difference." --maybe need more reaction here from a 17yo? Dunno. pg 3: Good reaction to S flinging the powder at the second man. pg 5: "It’d been over five years since I’d last been there." --I think this timeframe will help the book out. I always thought it was weird S was away from civilization so long. Also good to namedrop M earlier. pg 5: I got a little lost on the reasoning for why S can't show up to the fair this year? Just because there would be questions about Mother? Or because the authorities would be asking S questions? pg 6: good end to the chapter.

7th Submission: NOTE: This is the second half of a section, and I added a few paragraphs to get you into the story. Our story so far: M finds the body of the Speaker when arranging a time to present his new invention. The Speaker had been in possession of a list of members of the secret society M belongs to. He tells the head of the Society, who confers with the record keeper for the society. The head explains about the history of the Society and how it will probably be shut down if word gets out. M needs to find the killer and the list. M talks to his two colleagues, who work together closely on the technical details of the automatons they are designing. One goes with M to talk to two other members whose names were on the top of the list. Both have a means for getting around the Society's geas that keeps people from talking, but neither seems to have motive for the murder. M and his colleage go back to the record keeper, who they find lying in a pool of blood. M and G investigate the second murder, find some strange things that don't add up, and go to Moort again. They tell them about what happened, but then a System Beast goes crazy and screaming starts. M and G rush to the workshop and fight to shut down their creations, and save K. Once everything calms down, they return to find the record keeper's body gone. M makes the connection between the murder weapon and harmonic effects he was studying, then finds an old, broken prototype gone from his room. It's the same one that caused the explosion that killed his parents and mentor. M has a small crisis upon seeing his invention is the murder weapon, and he and G find K missing, then rig up the pullbeast to track her. They travel through the town, passing M's old house, and M tells G some of what happened to him. They wind up in front of an unfamiliar house. Let me know what you think!

Ugh, no this is just fiddly in-world naming stuff. G's species have a "profession name" of sorts, which is "Watcher." "Archeologist" is her secret society two-house majus title. Well, they're really expensive to make, so probably not too many of them...;-) Noted...I'll cut this down a bit Hmmm..I'm hoping this is a combination of WRS and reading one section at a time. I'll have to go back and see if it's too sudden...

Thanks @Robinski, especially for pointing out the pacing issues! Between you and @kais, I should be able to punch this section up a bit. Any particular reason why? Agree--I got caught up in the fiddly bits. Will add in some more emotion to the discovery. Lol...I'm terrible at doing that. I should throw in some more just to raise your blood pressure ;-) I thought of doing that, and then it ended up going a different way. Interested in what you think after reading the second half of this section! Um, sort of? We have the other half of this section, then the last climax section, and then an "epilogue" section, except I don't say that's what it is. Definitely interested to see what you think after reading the whole thing.

Can I be your androgynous drummer? Absolutely. I shall play electric violin.

Agree with @mrwizard70 that guilding should be in the first chapter.

Hm. I'd also like to submit on the 19th, if there's space still available.