Mandamon

This submission was better at developing character for M, but I had some big problems with the technical and plot side of things. Having M see the vision drives some much-needed character, and gives us some of her past. I'd like to know more about why she didn't follow that path. There are a lot of run-on sentences in this, and a lot of missing commas. For example, this sentence has both: "She took a few steps, tripping and falling but she didn’t hit the ground she kept falling, and fell into the soft darkness of unconsciousness." when you have "speech, proper name," when talking to someone, there's almost always a comma in front of the name. They're consistenly left out: “It’s not that A" -> “It’s not that, A" "Indeed lady E" -> "Indeed, lady E" also, two big plot points pulled me out of the story: M's lack of concern for her father and the overpowered amulet. You tell us M is worried about her father, but every action--getting up late, wandering around, taking a bath--shows that she's not concerned. Also, this amulet is ridiculously powerful, if it does what it's supposed to. I can't believe the priests just have it locked up. If this world is rich in very powerful artifacts like this, then I haven't seen sign of it yet. Notes while reading: pg 3: "Morning broke with a gigantic headache" --I don't think morning had the headache. pg 4: She's really taking it easy this morning. Shouldn't she be running to wherever her father is to find out if he's ok? pg 5: "her heart heavy with worry over her father. She wanted to go to him but knew that there would be people waiting to talk to House Deliviss. With her father sick it was up to her to see to the people her father was supposed to meet with today." --I feel like she could easily pop in to see her father first. The people waiting would understand. pg 5: "Is there something wrong?" Um. See above concerns. This exchange could be deleted. It's very obvious the entire household would be in an uproar over their leader collapsing and vomiting blood. pg 6: “I promise.” --does she even know what's wrong? pg 7: "just wanted to check in and see how your father is doing" --now this is becoming a theme. Everyone seems justifiably concerned over her father except M. Is there some reason she isn't? pg 7: "I should get up early" --except it's the afternoon. pg 8: M does a lot of objectifying of E. Is M attracted to her? Otherwise this seems a lot like male gaze. pg 10: "enjoyed last night as much as I did" --that's a weird thing to say, considering. pg 11: "uncomfortable with the lie, but she couldn’t ever tell him the full truth." --I mean, she's telling him a lot already. Didn't she say even her father didn't know about the visions? pg 12: "to be able to stave off any illness and give the barer eternal youth" --if this thing exists, I am 100% sure someone would already be using it, and have established an empire around it. It basically makes you immortal. “Besides, it would be expensive, probably even out of your father’s considerable price range.” --And certainly not even for sale. pg 13: "M saw the flows clearly, which was something unusual. Most sorceresses couldn’t see the energies used by other magic users." --can you show us this, rather than tell us? pg 13: "The medallion would be secured, and her father would be healthy again" --This seems like a very problematic plot point to me. First, such an item would cause chaos in any world. 2) it wouldn't just be available for anyone to use. 3) who would voluntarily give up such an item? pg 14: "head of the temple refused to even consider it!” "Gave me some tripe about the relics in the vault being put there for some fool reason" --yeah, still have a big disbelief problem with this.

I was looking forward to this one, as always! Great description at the beginning. It really sucks you into W's. POV. It might go on just a little too long, but nothing a once-over won't fix. I'm wondering if this D. is the one that attacked the other village? That would certainly make for some conflict regarding W. Looking forward to the next section next week! Notes while reading: pg 1/2: perhaps don't need two paragraphs on the D's eyes. pg 3: have we heard the official name for the Green Ocean yet? Might be WRS pg 3: "Had she prevented his divine hand" --Isn't this the opposite of what she just said? pg 3: "all trace their ancestry to Jord and she could not" --I also feel like this is new. Not bad, but needs to be supported in previous chapters. pg 4: "ambit" --had to look this one up. Meaning "a circuit?" pg 4: "The only person that would give her a fair hearing would be O." --Would she? I feel like we need a bit more about O's personality to know for sure. I want some more justification that O won't just turn her in. pg 5: There are two repeated paragraphs here. pg 7: "drengir arched doorway" --what does this mean? High enough for one? Made in the image of one? I'm guessing this is a hint they are not what they seem, as who would make doors that reflect raging monsters? Good ending, and I'm very interested to see what comes next!

Overall a good transition chapter, taking us from the formation of the team to the beginning of the job. My biggest complaint is the lack of urgency (and no, I don't think it's the lack of swearing...). Everyone's very calm about what they need to do. I don't remember what the ball is, offhand, which says that it didn't make an impression on me even though it's the focus of the job. Some good character development, however. Notes while reading: pg 32: "for a coin or two to play near their pitch" --or depending on their proficiency, to play very far away... pg 34: “Don’t get any ideas, J.” Her tone was sober. “You don’t deserve me,” --we're getting back to that strange infatuation between the two. Aside from them playing at a roll in the hay, I don't see where it's coming from. I don't see any chemistry. pg 36: "produced a package from his pocket. It was a foot long" --his pockets are a foot long? pg 37: "they will permit you to recall fine details very accurately" --that's...not at all what I was expecting. Sort of a letdown. Wasn't there something else that aided recall? Mouse bones or something? --Also, how does that work with species? Would a cat's bones do something similar but less powerful? pg 37: "It was very unwise in present company to reveal my hand like this" --uh, yes. It is. --Also, couldn't they just bring some paper with them and copy the ledgers? Why go to all this trouble? pg 39: "Surely he would not create an incident before the ball if he didn’t need to." --losing the thread here. Probably WRS, but I don't remember what the "or else" is. I could go back and look, but this is telling me there's a lack of urgency in the job. pg 39: "This was confirmed by D. leaning forward." --is it? Surely by what she says, instead. pg 39: “For his uncle,” --what for whose uncle? pg 40: "His eyes were " --Missing the end of the sentence...

Great comments, @QuirkyGrandpa, and good advice for everyone to remember!

@Jorville--I'll send you a PM.

I'll add my voice to this as well, as a privileged white male... @Jorville, I know this doesn't seem like a big issue to you, but @industrialistDragon and @kais have made some good points. I had exactly the same issue in an earlier book I wrote, calling an advanced but subjugated civilization "savages," from the viewpoint of the conquering people. Kais first alerted me to what I was doing, so I did some research on the subject, and found out just how offensive the term and the societal descriptors are to indigenous people and POC, especially in the USA. It's something we (AKA the white male portion of the population) simply don't see because it's so ingrained in our culture. I was eventually persuaded to change the term, and some of the other descriptors around, and the book works much better now. If you haven't, I'd encourage you to read through some of the links Ind. Dragon provided and see if you find anything you weren't previously aware of. Just look it over, and see if it makes sense. Taking Kais' suggestion of putting yourself in the place of a POC reading the story would also work. Doing this can really help your writing, and and help to stave off eventual tone-deaf publishing disasters. There's been several recently, that show how badly this stuff can be perceived to someone who doesn't know you. I think we're all perfectly willing to brainstorm some changes with you.

This is certainly still interesting. I didn't focus on typos and such, so I could get the feel for the story. I like where this is going--sort of a Firefly/Star Wars mashup, However, more in the later chapters, I feel like things are going too fast and you skip over some important points to get to more plot. I don't have a good feel for R. yet and why he's helping, and what he can do. The part when he returns is also confusing because I'm not sure where they are. I'd definitely like more of getting into the character's heads, too. Notes while reading: pg 1: "post-light travel" --This just sounds weird, like it's something happening *after* light... pg 2: "antenna slackens, curls closer to me on its own" --the descriptions make this sound like it's a physcial thing. It isn't, right? pg 3: "He knows what I was going to ask, and his wink is all the answer I need. Ronny is an Oomph user, a competent one" --Uh...this is a big jump. Can we get a little more evidence before this leap in logic? pg 5: "The trickle on Oomph he’s using to keep mind under control expands to a smothering blanket and freezes" --on-> of, mind -> mine --I didn't get that he was keeping her under control before. pg 6: "I have no clue what he did to me, and how it kept SE from sensing out Oomph," --wait, what did he do? I think we need more detail about how R. is using Oomph. There's several descriptions after the fact, but none showing what R is doing. pg 11: "The survivors from the last uprising made a deal with the Bright Quadrant. There is going to be a coup in the Tri-System and” --who what now? I feel like I'm missing some important worldbuilding. pg 11: "My part is to break your father out of jail, get him to the Bright Quadrant and give him the artifact.” --Again, something I think we should have known before now. Has D's father even been mentioned? pg 12: "but with half a dozen pirates chasing me down" --ok now it feels like you're just taunting us. What happened? pg 12: "After finishing my tour of the ship, R told me to use the sims familiarize myself with the ships controls" --ah, that makes a lot more sense. pg 13: "For a minute, I thought we were going to make it,” --is A talking about the simulation? pg 13: "zooming into the cavernous tunnel that will lead me out of the dome that I realize R. wasn’t right behind me." --very confused with the blocking in here. Are they in D's ship? the SE ship? pg 15, top: You may need to expand the escape a little. I had trouble realizing when D got the ship away from the others chasing. pg 15: "I have three minutes before surfacing." --surfacing from what? where is the ship?

I would avoid this, especially for a modern-day fantasy. There is a parallel to the UK, but this work doesn't make that particularly obvious, so the comparison falls flat. Is there any reason this culture wouldn't have people of all shapes and colors?

Overall, this still comes across as dry. I'm not sure what M's goal is, aside from wandering around this town, and all the talk about trade isn't very interesting. There's a lot of infodumping, which could be cut down to help the flow. I've tried to point out the sections below. I do like E's character. She's a lot more interesting than most of the others we've met, and has some personality. Right now, I'd rather read a books with her as the main character rather than M. For all the buildup about the ball, I was expecting...more? Or at least for something to happen. Right now the only thing is that M's father is injured, but that's only after 18 pages of trade disputes and names of people and places I don't know. Also, I didn't point out grammar, but there are a lot of missing commas and apostrophes. I do think there's a core of a good story in here. It just needs to be cut back a lot to get it to shine. Notes while reading: pg 1: too much description. It's been a while since we read, so WRS is in full effect, but I have no real connection to the character until a little bit in the last paragraph. Pg 2: need some better blocking in the fight. I had to read through twice to figure out there were two women in the fight. pg 2: "She was referring to the bond they shared" --I think this goes with the previous paragraph? Also, it's really obvious. pg 2: and then lots od telly infodump. I'd rather see this come out in actions. pg 3: "Don’t really know much about this bond at all." --wait, what? She referred to it previously as if she knew about it. Also, where did this come from? I don't think it's been mentioned before. Very telly here. pg 4: "I thought your gods didn’t allow that" --I thought they were both from the same place? Starting to get confused with the other person. Who are they are why are they here? pg 6: This whole section with E. and M. seems forced, like it's there to give background information about their culture. It makes the dialogue pretty stilted, and fails the Bechdel test a lot. pg 8: Not really interested in all the talk about trade. Does it have something to do with furthering the plot? pg 9: "E. had saved her from getting embarrassed by H. again." --Could delete this. It's pretty obvious. pg 10: so, E has a lot more personality than M, and I'm enjoying her a lot more. pg 11: "Would you like to see my palace?" Nudge nudge, wink wink... pg 12: "G. looked crestfallen at the departure of his newfound company. He likely didn’t like that one of the few people talking to him was leaving." --Again, you could delete the second line here. You'ce already showed us the reaction, but now you're telling us the same thing, and it's not as powerful. pg 14: "She hoped to see the handsome sorcerer again" --Is this A? I thought she like the guy she met in the tailor's shop? pg 16: the one-upping here is very obvious and out in the open. Would someone familiar with court intrigue really be saying everything out loud like that? pg 17: Hm...the word "savage" is really starting to pull me out when I read. It has a lot of negative connotations in our society, and could probably be exchanged for an in-world term with less baggage. pg 17: "M. crossed her arms, satisfied that she had destroyed her opponent" --No, I don't buy it. All the bickering here is way too juvenlie for people with supposedly "high society" manners. They don't say whatever comes into their mind. pg 18: "something red came out" --just say blood.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! This is pretty tightly tied to a novella, so I'm not as concerned about missing worldbuilding here. However, good points on the rest. they seem to line up with the other critiques and I've got a few ideas on how to change it around. Good point here. I can probably cut this down a lot since I took some of the followup with this section out of the end.

Overall, this is much better than the last time around, and gets us right into the story quickly. I think it's fine to have this bit on Earth before getting ot the moon. I'm much more invested in the main characters, and I already know more about Oomph. I do have some questions about the government surveillance state, but if they're going off world anyway, and not coming back, then it's not a big concern. D has enough personality for now, especially as this section is so quick that we're more caught up in the action and adrenaline. I'm willing to wait for the next chapter or two to start digging into the character building. I think this works well as it is. Looking forward to more! Notes while reading: pg 1: "their L-shaped tonged" --I still don't get how this works. Is the L pointing up, or to one side? Also "tonged" -> "tongue" pg 1: this opening is a lot better than before. Going right to the drop makes me interested in what Oomph is, and what the MC's mother wants. pg 2: "that keep me from connecting my energy with the Oomph, the web of life-energy the government fears" "condensed so someone like me can work telekinetic wonders or blow s**t up without using up all my own life force or that of the beings around me" --The descriptions of Oomph are a bit telly and infodumpy. Can you show us these things later, especially since the MC doesn't know how they work anyway? pg 3: "can sense the exchange of Oomph between a being and the grid" --First, what grid? Second, being able to sense any interaction means the government has very tight control on a lot of other things as well. This is a complete surveillance state. pg 5: "Too bad that wasn’t part of his delivery today." --Couldn't the MC just ask him for one, then? Promise to deliver an extra one next time? pg 6: "turns his back on me and vanishes into the marsh" --did he give her the cred stick? pg 7: "Their bots would pick up, and they could shoot me. But SE wouldn’t dare come is here." --but if the government can trace all this, wouldn't they just mark the MC and pick them up later? pg 9: The fight has good tension. Also good to learn some about what Oomph does, this early. pg 12: "If any of their bots or coms transmitted data" --wouldn't they have done this as soon as the fight started?

Thanks @Robinski! Yep. Seems like the beginning is still the weak point, and maybe a few more sentences at the end. This may just need to go. Hopefully I can make this more tense if I make the opening work better. Going to work on this some tomorrow, and hopefully tie it up.

Also sent LBLs, but I picked out some specific comments below. I think my biggest issue with the story is J's relation with his family. Something still seems off about it. Were they separated from each other for all 3 months? If there's so much loyalty between them, then why didn't they try to visit? pg 17:"From there I could watch for the Gull, and torture myself, although it was dawning on me now that I couldn’t stay away no matter how bad my deeds. They were my family, and I must face them." --I think this might be what’s confusing me with the family thing. He wasn’t able to help them because he was thrown in jail. But they depend on him, so shouldn’t he be running to make up what he can as soon as he can, if he really cares for them? pg 18: Is iron money? How does it compare vs. coins? Confused. pg 18-19: Something seems off with this whole fight, and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe that they should have figured out where he was after three months? Or the family could have reached out in some way? pg 20: I dunno. I still don’t really believe all this. If they were living so close to the edge, and depending on J to do risky work to support them, I feel like there should be some expectation that he might fail now and then, even if they didn’t have a backup plan. To pin all of this on him when he was doing his best to provide for them seems harsh. pg 21: "one of the few women of colour" --Is this even a thing there? Were people of color traditionally discriminated against in this country's history, to make this a concept people think about? pg 24: "C’s hips pressed again mine. “Sorry, sir,” she said clearly." --Wait—C owns the inn? pg 26:"He had lost more than I had, but dammit, I was right. I put an arm around his shoulder" --Not sure what’s going on here. What did G lose? WRS? pg 27: Something's off in the blocking on this page. I'm not sure what's going on. pg 28:"That meant bluecoats, and that was a relief. Since there was no cause for them to arrest us..." --Would it have been someone else? pg 29: okay, that's an interesting twist..

Overall, I like the way this is going, but it would be good to dig into S's personality a lot sooner. There's definitely a sense of wonder, but I want to know a lot more about the tradeoffs between demons, the drug, and why each is used. Also, what happened with that crazy lady from chapter 2? She just sort of disappears. I was expecting a longer conversation with her, or for it to go somewhere. Notes while reading: CH1: pg 4: "She was stood beside him" --There's several places in here that have extremely passive voice, which cuts the tension of the opening sections dramatically. pg 4: There's a line break here. Not sure if this is skipping time or not... Chapter 1 thoughts: I think the setup is good, but I don't have enough urgency yet. We see from S. reactions that the demon is important, but I'd like to get more in his head to see how he's not fighting its influence. How else does it affect his daily actions? CH2: Pg 4: there's a lot of space devoted to deciding whether to get food. This could be cut down a bit to streamline things. I'm still not feeling a lot of urgency to get the demon, as the reader is isolated from anything it can do. pg 5: "He watched her scuttling about the stuff" --what stuff? I don't think there's been a description of what she's doing yet. pg 6-7: The woman might be a little TOO strange. I'm have no idea what's going on. Maybe if we knew a little more about seekers? Are they prone to going mad? pg 7: "A Seeker's magic was rare indeed, and if this old crone possessed any of it then it was astronomically improbably that she also held the ability to compel fire." --again, I don't know what a seeker can do, so it's hard to be impressed by what this woman is doing. pg 9: "but at that moment the most critical thing appeared to be the attainment of a large platter of sizzling pork." --It took me a minute to figure out S was referring to himself getting the pork. I was thinking it had magically appeared or something. Making him more direct will help the urgency in the story. Chapter 2 thoughts: I'm interested, but not as much as I feel I should. Making S care more about what's happening would be good. Right now he's going through the motions of finding his demon, but I don't really believe he's in danger from the Guild, based on his slow reactions. Are there things he would be able to do with the demon that he can't now? Would he be frustrated by that? CH3: pg 1: "The pork had been exceptional, or would have been, had he remembered eating it," --we've just experienced him eating it, so this reads weird. pg 1: "There was much to be done, and not a moment more to lose. If his demon had not already killed, it would soon." --Still not feeling it. He's been bumbling around the city all day, without real urgency. I don't yet believe he cares if his demon kills someone. So far, he's only (somewhat) worried that the guild will catch him, not that the demon kills a person. pg 2: "It would be extremely irritating if he failed to keep it down." --This is about the only reaction he's had, and it seems strange with the dearth of other emotion. pg 2: "The thought that his body relied his demon for its basic functioning was a new a worrying thought. Was there any validity to it? " --I've been wondering this the whole time. If it's a thing, I'd amp this part up a lot. pg 2: "If his seekers were not successful in three days" --can he not...look for the demon himself? It seems like if you have another entity caged in your body, you might have some ability to find it. Him not doing anything is making a very passive main character. pg 2: "? He'd worked so hard to make a life here" --I haven't seen any sign of this yet, or even of him working hard at all. pg 3: "Had the guild found his demon already" So the guild is also better at locating demons than the magicians who use them? pg 5: "The fact that their creations were so markedly similar could not have been a coincidence" --Are they similar? Why? How? I have many questions about how these demons work. pg 6: I was sort of wondering why S didn't immediatly assume it was P. pg 7: "that perhaps Paige was interested in him beyond seeking a good wage." --this sort of seems the case, what with her vowing to stick close to him. Either that or she's a very loyal employee... Chapter 3 thoughts: I feel like the story is hampered by S's inaction and inability to do anything about the demon himself. Is there some reason he can't seek out the demon? Would he know where it might go, from long familiarity? Does he talk to the demon? How does this all work? CH4: pg 9: Of course P slips him the stimulant. I'm beginning to think she's a lot more competent than him. pg 11: Soooo....the obvious question here is, if there's a substance that allows the same magic as a demon, why not use that? also, why has S never heard of it before? pg 13: ok, so there may be some reaction from the compound. And I guess the shaping doesn't last as long as normal? Chapter 4 thoughts: This one is better. I feel more emotion from S here. However, the magic demonstration is offset by the reader not knowing how magic works. How long does shaping usually work? Is it permanent, or just last a long time? Are there any side effects from the demon doing it? CH5: pg 13: Why would there be lye in the water? pg 16: I like K and J, but I feel like I'm missing some backstory for those two characters. pg 17: "The entire space was brimming with a small purple flowers, their iridescent petals shifting in the breeze." --I assume this is where the shaping drug comes from? pg 17: "We're using the profit to build an orphanage" --that's a bit...on the nose. pg 18: "all she'd done was show him a little kindness" --this affection seems awfully sudden on S's part, especially compared with his lack of emotion in the first couple chapters. pg 19: "Why could he not be wise and magnanimous like a proper magician?" --ok, here's agood question. Does he feel like he's not a proper magician? Why? This would be great for character building in chapters 1-2 pg 20: "blotting out the possibility that he might forever be stripped of the one thing that made him special." --This as well. I want to see a lot more of this in the first few sections. Chapter 5 thoughts: This had some much better development for S. It would be good to pull some of it back to previous chapters. I'm also wondering a lot about the drug, how it works vs. a demon, and what the tradeoffs are. Losing a demon and having it massacre people seems like a big downside...

I'm going to put all my replies into the topic for this week, just so it's all together.

Thanks @industrialistDragon! Very helpful as always. Fair enough ;-) Thanks for the idea, though! Yeah, this is hard for me to get to read correctly. I'll take another whack at it. Cool! I'll take another look at this too, and see if I can punch it up a bit.

Hope things go well! We'll keep the counter running...

Hello all, Here's the second version of Changing State. Hopefully it addresses the problems from last time (mainly emotional reactions), so tear it apart!

I've made changes to the short story, so I'd like to submit that again to see if I've fixed the issues.

No, don't change the type of stakes. I think family is fine, I just wanted more investment in their plight. Right now it's very removed because everything's been focused on J. Maybe a visit from a family member in prison to tell him what's happening, or something like that?

Hello @Lunarhade and welcome to the forum! Try out some critiquing, read the pinned topics, and see how you like it. We look forward to reading your stuff! Definitely.

LBL's sent! Overall, the first chapter was much better to me. The magic use is a lot clearer, with only some stumbling blocks on the opening. The second paragraph is pretty wordy and name/history heavy, so it could be cut or rearranged for immediacy. The second chapter is also a lot better. I'd still like better stakes than "my family's in trouble." We don't know any of them, so it's not a big draw. My other big problem was the timeline and logistics. There were a few parts where it wasn't clear how long he'd been in, and how long he has left. I'd also like some examples of C's exploits, and why she's so feared.

Just listened to it. Very nice, @Silk! So does this mean you can write the RE theme song? ;-)

Hopefully this is just WRS. Yes, all maji can see all house auras, but they can only hear their Symphonies (so they can see that something is affected, even if they don't know how) Definitely. More of this will get added in the second pass. Your comments always point out where it's most needed! Very good points, and that's about right for Ben who leave the homeworld. Thanks for putting that succinctly--that helps me figure out where I need to flesh this out. Lol. Although now I want this to be the default emotion, even though it wouldn't read well. I'll work on this. I was going for "helpless against a chaotic superior force" and that the child was as random and insane as it was powerful. I'll see if I can make this play better. Good point. Will also try to connect this more. Thanks @Robinski and @industrialistDragon!

Pretty much agree with all of what @kais said. There's a lot of places where I get lost, and I don't have a big attachment to the characters yet. This is a really good idea. A lot of the beginning is turning out to be mostly fluff, and now we're starting to get to the plot. You could probably compress all this stuff into a buildup to the inciting incident of R's death. This sort of explanation, and some of what I recall from the last submission, tells me there's a lot of worldbuilding going on behind the scenes, but it's being included more for the sense of wonder factor than for anything else. I'd rather have a solid investment in the characters first, and then tell us about the cool world they live in. Yeah, this. I was concerned I just wasn't paying attention, and re-read part of it. I think we just need some more setup of government, oomph, and some sense of running from something. if you have a chapter or so to introduce characters, then this would probably be the next step. Good concept overall, and I'm interested in learning more about the artifact, but I think it needs a more concrete beginning to hook the reader. Notes while reading: pg 2: "And I think I have a pretty good idea of why she picked your house." --for what reason? The new clothes? Some more confirmation of the reason, around the section break, would help. --also she->xe? pg 4: "Did you guys know there are tunnels under it that people used to use to hide fugitive slaves?" --This seems very conveniently stated and plotful... pg 5: "stepped into a tunnel" --Are these the aforementioned fugitive tunnels? pg 6: "I screech like a malfunctioning thruster when a cockroach the size of my foot" --"screeched." also, ew. pg 6: "gawking a rat" --gawking at a rat pg 6: "drew our blasters" --Did they have blasters before? Seems very Star Wars all of a sudden. pg 8: "This isn’t you’re business" --you're -> your, also, does A just assume this applies to xir as well? pg 9: "steal some suppressant" --are D's problems coming from the suppresant, or the mood stabiliser wearing off? (or both?) pg 11: R laughing doesn't seem quite the right response. Also, how did he find them? They just stole the van, so how would R know what to track? pg 16: "Oomph was not a drug. It was a potential threat the government was trying to suppress." --okay, yes, but this is also starting to sound like a pretty generic YA dystopia. We don't have any reasons yet except for "the government." I'd something extra that gives a good reason. pg 17: "There was no one around for hundreds of miles that could fix that bad a gut wound" --Really? There's no medical services but they can print custom drugs? "He guessed he had ten minutes left." --Also, gut wounds are very slow deaths. If they hit an artery, sure, but the stomach being punctured wouldn't be fatal for several days. pg 18: "we have to go" --go where? pg 19: "getting Mom’s Oomph-cursed artifact to the man who sired me." --I feel like this sort of gets buried in the rest of what's going on. Some more reaction or curiosity from D would help, since this seems to be the main plot.