Archer

Hey friends! 

Cosmere Character Roast Battles is BACK. Not by popular demand, but just because I wanted it to exist again. Come sign up:

Welcome to the Shard! 

TIL that my dad tried to teach his childhood dog to swim by throwing it into the pond.
It immediately sank and had to be fished out.
Turns out the dog had yet to be taught a more fundamental lesson, which was to not, over the course of its lifetime to date, consume several pounds of gravel from the driveway.

Two things:

1. I need ideas for my 2000th post. 

2. Samuel L Jackson is a chaotic genius. The actor famously has a stutter, right? And he's a household name. But the name he chose to get famous under includes his middle initial. So instead of saying Samuel Jackson, everybody who ever talks about him has to say Samuel-el Jackson. He makes everybody else sound like they're stuttering too. 

*knocks on the Dor* 

Woops. 

*knocks on the door*

Trick or treat! 

Pew pew, I'm toilet papering your page because you mods ruined my Halloween costume when I tried to trick or treat. It went from a beautiful Cheshire cat in a witch hat:

<| : )   to this abomination  <|

TRICK OR TREAT!! My costume is the cheshire cat in a witch hat:

<|

Reminder that during Halloweek, you can stop by ANY participating 17th Shard profile page and recieve a free virtual chocolate chocolate bar or uninspiring toothbrush. Who's participating? It's unknown! Will I forget about this post and be confused by attempts to trick or treat on my page in two weeks? Most definitely! So grab your loot bucket and get ready for some good clean chaos. Happy Halloween, everybody! 

Hey Dannnnnex, I just want to say that I appreciate a good running joke.  Well done, sir

Hi, I like your snake! 

Blood waffles. That not what they are. It's got to be icing sugar on a strawberry or raspberry or cherryberry jam, right. Can you just go on record super duper quick as to what topping is on those pressed pancakes of deliciousness, otherwise I'm going to have to put the O.o in blOod waffle and ask several more slightly concerned questions. 

This is about your profile banner, by the way. 

Also hi how's it going, sorry to interrupt

Happy birthday! In lieu of a gift, I've made a donation of 200C to the DIStressed ChildRens EvacuaTION service in your name.  Have a good one! 

yay 

Gollum: let's play riddles! If we can'ts answer, we will show you the way out

Me (a typical teenager): lol ok. Uh, what's in my pocket lmao

Gollum: *not even hesitating*  is phone!

Me: oof yeah, but which pocket is it-

Gollum: is in right pocket! Left pocketses are for keys and wallet!

Me: *gets eaten I guess*

Happy... 

Hi guys. I need some help. My current signature looks like this:

Quote

Member of TUBA | Former Participant in the Alleyverse RP | Sporadic Longest Threader

I like it because it's unobtrusive and short. However, I have come to realize that it is also incredibly lackluster. So, I would like some feedback about how it could be improved. You've all seen the same sigs I have, what looks good to you? At this point, I'm pretty open to any and all suggestions about content, so if you have an idea for me, I would appreciate it if you'd comment below with it. I'm thinking of doing a full overhaul, so don't feel limited to the links and text I have now. 

As advance thanks for your assistance (and, because I'm sure you were expecting something more humerous than this when you responded to my summons) here's a random joke that you may peruse:

I have an important announcement. Some of you may not be ready to handle the news I am about to give you, so to soften the blow, I've put it in the least frightening format possible. 

*deep breath*

Here goes. (Don't say I didn't warn you...):

DOG. 

I've got to stop talking to the kinds of people who lean against walls around the backs of buildings. I always end up feeling like Robin from the Adam West Batman series. 

Me: *eating from a box of Lucky Charms* Hey.

Him: *giving me a skeptical glance* Hey. Care for a light? 

Me: Um. Um, I'm, really, um... 

Him: *crushing his cigarette beneath his heel* It would be a mistake to refuse my generous offer, kid. 

Me: Oh. Well okay then.

Him: Wait, not like that. 

Me: what do you mean? 

Him: STOP DOING THAT WITH MY LIGHTER

Me: u mean roasting these marshmallows

I was going to post a Saint Patrick’s Day message here, but by the time I got around to it, it was past midnight. This week, I visited at a different time than I traditionally have. That was mostly because the last few days have been an endless stream of this:

*checks off the last item on my list*

…

*flips the page over to look at the list on the back*

So, I hopped on later than I usually do. That had some unintended consequences. The sudden presence of Monday was one. Getting a really extended welcome party was another. (By the way, you guys are amazing. You know who you are.)

However, I still feel obliged to post one of these every once in a while, if for no other reason than to confirm my continued existence and to surprise people with notifications. So, because I have no other content ideas, I want everyone to pretend it’s still March 17^th when you read this:

I would like to pay tribute to all the green-eyed people in the world. Did you know that today none of them need to wear safety glasses to protect themselves?

That sounds kind of dangerous, Archer.

Nonsense! They’ll be okay. They’ve got the Luck of the Iris!

Disclaimer: Always wear the appropriate protective equipment for whatever job you’re doing. My safety advice is all a sham*.

*-rock

Boom. Joke, PSA, and existence confirmation all in one post. Good night, everybody! Thanks for your time.  

Below, fathoms. Darkness is there seen. Never seen: there is darkness, fathoms below.

- Collected on February third, 16 seconds pre-signing out. Subject was a darkeyed man in his youth.

Hey, Harry! Are you a bronze misting?

Announcement Regarding my Retirement from the Alleyverse RP:

This is the third variation of this post that I have written so far. Alas, I have not gotten any better at it.

I was not sure where to post this. There was a chance that it would get buried in the Homeless PM if I put it there, so I decided putting it on my profile would be better. Besides, this really is a status update.

I love the Alleyverse. The community has been kind to me. It has been both my pleasure and my honour to RP with all of you. However, it takes a lot of my time and energy to do everything that I do in the Alleyverse. I have come to realize that my lifestyle, the amount of time I spend reading, writing, and thinking about Alleyverse related stuff, is unsustainable. So, I have decided to retire.

After Era Two ends, I will be severely limiting my involvement in the Alleyverse RP. As part of this, I will be stepping down from my position as RP leader, and forfeiting all titles and roles associated to my involvement in any Alleyverse guilds (namely TUBA).

To make it easier on everyone, I have decided to do this process gradually. I am committed to helping the transition process into the next era go smoothly, so up until about a week after the era begins, I will maintain my regular presence in the Alleyverse, assisting with the compilation of the list, RPing with characters (of which I will have none in E3), and providing input and ideas on planning threads. Up until that point, it’s business as normal. It would be unfair of me to abandon you during what will surely be a busy time. But once everything is up and running, I will quietly slip out the back door.

My biggest worry about following through with this plan was what would happen to the list. Thankfully, Ookla the Meeker (formerly known as Mraize) has volunteered to take on the job. In future, you can expect to see him responding to posts on the Character Thread.

I am not leaving forever (so save your goodbyes!). In future, I intend to visit the Shard once a week, probably on weekends. You may still see me on the forums, participating in the longest thread or roast battles. Anything that I enjoy but does not require long-term commitment. To a limited extent, I will still participate in social PMs. TUBA’s rarely gets used for anything on-topic anyways. But once again, my presence will be sporadic.

Alleyverse PMs I will likely mute and/or put on read. If you would like to contact me, the best way will be to DM me through discord. I have not decided how active I will be on there yet. Or, you could send me a PM and wait until the next time I am on.

There is no need to make this into a big deal. But if anyone has any questions, requests, or comments, you are welcome to post them. I would be happy to clarify anything that I need to.

Thank you for your time.

Bot. 

Happy Birthday! Enjoy this delicious cake:

On an unrelated note, Bob's retirement party got cancelled. And we have a new 'zero waste' policy. Anyways, enjoy your special day!