The Technovore

A squad of Americans descended from the heavens in their pair of 1977 Chevy Pickups. They knelt by Donald Trump and took off their maga hats as a bald eagle cried in the distance. Then, one of them lifted Trump into the back of a pickup while the other three poured out cans of bud light, then, they ascended into the heavens again, whooping and firing their shotguns mournfully.

Johnny blinked. That easy huh? He nodded with and embarrassed grin and started for the door. He paused, looked around for a bit, and turned back. “Business really picked up didn’t it?”

“Contact me when you get the chance. I’d love to study your powerset. When you’re ready, find Trident Tower. Tell ‘em Dwig sent you.” Johnny stared down at the card in his hand. Dwig. So that was Kidnapper Guy’s name. In his other hand he held the gemstone device. A promise for an ally if he ever needed it. He turned both items over in his hands, musing. He sat on a plush foam bed with gold lining and silk sheets, a setup more luxurious then he was used too, but he was never going to reject now that he’d tried it. He highly doubted this kind of bed came with the room, looking around at the well-maintained but not lavish interior. It had a distinct “wood” theme about it, everything from the ceiling to the floor was made from some form of it. Not really the place for a gold-and-red silk bed. Thousands of thoughts whirled through his mind at once. Escape. Allies. Survive. Powers. Why, why, WHY? Who to trust? What to do? What can I do? Do I dare do what I can? I need to learn. I need to know. I need to start with my own self. I have abilities. I need to know if I can even use them without... vague bad things happening. I need to find someone to trust. Maybe I need to start with Dwig. Johnny lifted himself up from the bed. Orange sunlight streamed from the window. It couldn’t be evening already!? Have I slept that long? Or... how long have I just been sitting on that bed? Johnny suddenly became aware of a strap in his hand. He looked down to find a large, sturdy backpack in his hand. Looking back at the small pile of things that he’d begun collecting, Johnny realized he’d been given exactly what he needed. He loaded up the more accessible parts of the pack with the items. The gemstone device. The slip of paper. A small bag containing a plethora of glowing gemstones—mostly red and blue ones. A flashlight. A sandwich wrapped in plastic. Those last three items appeared in Johnny’s hands while he was musing. He’d just set them aside until now. He stuck the taser in his pocket—best to keep his one weapon handy—and went downstairs. He found the bartender—Malu, if the constant calls from the other people had any weight—and walked up to him. He put the bag of gemstones on the bar in front of him. “Could we... consider this a pre-payment on a new tab?” “And, do you happen to have directions to the Trident Tower?”

Really just a small group of friends chilling out.

Then, the ghanderflaffles brought out their ultimate attack. They launched great heaping balls of pet dander, pollen, peanuts, tomatoes, more pollen, hair, and dust at their enemy, while simultaneously spitting in the face of the Geneva Convention.

“You fool! You’ve fallen right into my trap!” Professor Chaos screamed in his girlish baby-man voice before lasering Butterflutter the Eighth in the leg.

He soared into the air solely by flapping his single arm, all while shouting 1-armed Herdazian jokes and eating chouta.

*TMW you come over here to spy on your enemy and you find that TLT(m) is riddled with traitors and backstabbers* [Insert Pikachu face here] (Also I’m totally kidding, this whole rivalry thing is hilarious tho )

The bane is you’re an Era 1 Feruchemist, as in living in Era 1 Scadrial DUDE SAME. Granted. But now your feet are pointed backwards. I wish to be Kirby.

Specifically his bicep and pectoral buffs, not to mention the glutes.

TMW the entire TLT squad gets recruited and rolls up to bully this poll. Where are your boys bean?

Rough

*When you’re too scared to say you hope Moash has a redemption arc* Hahahaha just kidding! Moash is crem.

Johnny took the ring from the strange... spren, it was called? He was too tired to question it. He thanked the bartender profusely, bid goodnight to the three incredibly friendly fellow-kidnapping victims, and practically crawled up the steps to the room the bartender had directed. He collapsed on the surprisingly plush bed, and fell asleep in record time.

Johnny nodded dully. “Oh.” Specking wonderful. So... my being an Epic is why stuff keeps appearing. I can’t control it. I can’t control my own Epic powers. Maybe that’s a good thing. What if I corrupted if I tried? He said Invocation Epics are nicer than Calamity Epics Note to Self: Don’t meet anyone else from Earth. I’m so tired. I haven’t even slept from that dance. And I fell from the roof. Hehehehe, that must’ve looked hilarious. No, focus! So pretty much everyone here has powers. I need to avoid fights. I need allies. These guys are really nice. “I... should probably sleep. Does this facility support lodging services?” He said, slurring from his sudden energy drop.

Johnny put his head on his table, pressing a cold pack to his temple. With a start he sat up and looked at the cold pack, before dropping it like it burned him. A guy burst into the room declaring a chance for everyone to fight. It made him sick to his stomach. People here that enjoy fighting. No one else here from Invocation Earth. My Earth. No friends. No family. Of course there’s a dozen Earths, why wouldn’t there be? I wonder how many there are. I wonder how different they are. So Calamity Earth lives up to its name. Perfect. “Why... what are most Epics like?” “And... what does your guild specialize in?” He said to Jacien.

“Epics...” A headache flashed through Johnny. Suddenly memories came flooding back. Running home from the school dance, Derek Mandes chasing him with an aluminum bat. A blow to the head. Being bathed in Red. A warm voice. Friendly. Compassionate. An offer of power. An offer of change. A name. ”Invocation. Invocation did something to me. He’s the reason I’m here.” Oh specks. I’m an Epic.

“Thanks a ton!” Johnny said in-between mouthfuls. As it turned out, Shwarma was a really good comfort food. Really took the edge off being kidnapped. “Yea I’m from Earth, never heard of a Calamity though. I mean I know the word obviously but you say it like a title and I haven’t gone through a ‘Calamity’ so... Wait there are people from Earth here?”

Johnny looked blankly at Jacien. “Uh... Epic? I’m not sure I know what that means...” Does he mean the way things keep randomly appearing? Epic is a really cool title. Johnny Nolastname: Epic! Hehehe. “Here you go! Hope you enjoy, it’s fresh!” Johnny gave the bartender a tired smile. Then he drooled over the wonderful plate of food. He hadn’t realized it, but he was ravenous! He gulped down half the glass of Fanta and began digging into the food.

Johnny made a face that looked something like: “:O” This place has Fanta Cherry. And Shwarma The meal of Heroes. Okay. This place is officially cool. Still need to escape though. Johnny made a small sound of protest when the bartender poured the drink, but it was too late. He winced. “Thanks but, I don’t have any mon—“ he cut off at he looked down at the sudden weight in his hand. A pair of faintly glowing gems shown back at him. Do I question this? Is it even worth questioning? I should probably just roll with it. “Okay I guess I do have the money to pay for it! Will this be enough to cover a plate of shawarma too?”

Johnny took in everything Jacien said with surprising clarity. It wasn’t just him that had been kidnapped. They were all victims of being kidnapped. From different planets no less! I knew space aliens were a thing! Convenient how they’re human too. Kidnapper Guy—a name Johnny now knew he probably didn’t go by—walked up. He looked a tad upset about Johnny being taken from him while he was spacing off. “Hold on I thought I was supposed to tell you about the Alleyverse!” Johnny looked between him and Jacien, who were now staring at each other. I’m getting barroom brawl vibes from these guys. “Why don’t we get a booth and continue this conversation?” Johnny raised his hand timidly. “I’m cool for a booth!” HOLD UP I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING! “Does this bar serve Cherry Fanta? It’s a thing on Earth, my... former home.”

Johnny, who was honestly so done at this point with having any semblance of free-will, allowed himself to be led wherever Jacien indicated.

Rising from its prominent spot on top of the anthill to the even more prominent spot on the top of the lawnmower.

Sparse

Johnny looked between the two overly helpful people. He had no idea what either of them were talking about. The rainbow thing on the table totally freaked him out though. So there was that. Johnny looked at his hands. They were going numb. His entire face felt numb. Oh look at that. I’m experiencing a panic attack. Wonderful. Looks like it’s finally setting in. Johnny carefully got down from the barstool and laid on the ground as his nervous system underwent its attack. It felt like every single nerve in his body was being activated at once. He flexed and relaxed his fingers, trying to keep them from stiffening up completely. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, and Johnny guessed it likely wouldn’t be the last. Thankfully, he was finally about think calmly and clearly. It was almost like his mind dumped all its stress onto his body so it could finally work properly. Everyone here is weirdly friendly and helpful. This isn’t a kidnapping ring. It’s a cult. A cult with eldritch powers evidently. If it wasn’t for the fact that this was real this would be really cool. I need to escape. Which means playing along. I need to learn how this works while avoiding entering any rituals until I can bolt out the first open door I see. Johnny looked up at the three concerned-looking guys looking down on him. “Once I regain feeling in my limbs, I’d love to look around and see how this place works!” ”Thanks.”