spieles

You make a really good point about the bomb-knowledge needing a little bit "more." I could even add in a line where he questions his "process" and that would show competence while also giving the reader extra information and keeping the plot rolling forward. Yeah, he's already out in the street by the time the chapter starts but that could also be clearer. Blocking is not my strong point... I like to cut it. LOL. Definitely fixing Eleanor's "I'm sorry" - there seems to be a good consenses there and I like Kaisa's suggestion. And yay! You like the whale rat. I think what you said about the "breather" makes a lot of sense. On the podcast they talk about the need for breathers after action scenes and while the real breather comes in chapter three I think the "world building" moment helps adjust the reader a bit here. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. and comment.

Ugh, sorry I'm so late on this. I'm a walking insomniac disaster this week. Anyway.... So I just read the Paxton H. Grimes piece, and I really enjoyed it. My one big disbelief character-wise is that he seems so wordly and yet he never has a worry that Moth would rob him or try something on him. I 100% buy that he has a soft spot for her, but I think a line or two of analysis of Moth's intentions might work a little better. Otherwise, I really enjoyed how the memory of his wife is carried through the piece and I especially like his competence being shown when he analyzes how he's going to deal with di Fantano. Yes, he knows what he's walking into, and while he has his reservations, he also knows good business when he sees it. It's very interesting. I also enjoyed his murmurings about his age. It had that grumpy but wise feeling to it. Moth in this section is good, likable but as I said, still a suspicious character of sorts. Quirk - I am still deciding whether or not I like him in the "before the drop" section. He is so damnation vain, and I'm rolling my eyes at him (though, this is a sign of your effective showing of his vanity), but then we get to the after-the-drop section, and Quirk has an adversary and suddenly the vanity is combined with some wit and I'm enjoying it immensely. It really balances his character. Moth - I'm not sure I can really evaluate the Moth section yet. It feels more like a character outline sketch. I like the idea of her taking advantage of another sister's situation. Anyway, I agree with the rest of the consensus. I'm really enjoying these, and I think you have something here.

Okay cool.

If King decides not to go, then I will throw in a submission - but otherwise, no worries. I'm completely disorganized lately. D: D: D:

The short answer is that there isn't much. I'd say that Aurum is a modern day city-state, and that everywhere else are small homesteads in the wild west. Information from the city is free flowing internally and is disseminated in a much less consistent way for the trading posts outside. Thank you for the fabulous line by lines! All are helpful.

Thank you for the feedback, my lovely friend! Yeah, Oz requires lots of comic relief. He's a straight character so we need people to play off of him. And this is probably one of those scenes that I need to come back to with fresh eyes again before I fluff up the emotional impact, but I see everyone's point.

LOL. Oz/Dion slash fiction would be unsurprising. Lord, I don't even want to know what ideas the FF community could come up with when taking the Rex into account (which is to say, I'd expect heaps of mpreg -- but anyway...).

Ah, this week is eating me at work! Sorry for the slow response. Your line-by-lines are wonderful. Yeah, Dion isn't supposed to leap off the page necessarily in this chapter--that comes in later chapters as he develops into Oz's antagonist--but so far I think all of my beta readers would agree that he has the most compelling subplot in the novel. I'm going to add in some extra details to support the disbelief issues on the lack of people in the clinic. Yeah, I know I need to do something with the mural, but I keep changing my mind on what exactly that is, and therefore it keeps hanging out like a placeholder. We shall say. And hahaha, yeah, Hayden on the cover. Thank you so so very much.

Reading Excuses – Spieles – August 1, 2016 - Chapter 10 Revised – some violence In the last version of this you saw Oz going to Turner Hospital and being directed by the city’s AI (“Brick”) Oz to find Calgary – but in this revision, Oz has to figure out where his foster father is without Brick’s help. Other changes to note: *Krieger wants Oz to infiltrate the Rex and find Eleanor – the other two Board members DO NOT *Project Null is axed – Oz is being assigned to “repair duty” so that he has a job in the city Questions: What I'm especially interested in feedback wise.... Oz protags way more in this version of the chapter. In a sense, his playing with the bombs here replaces his playing with the bombs in chapter 2. I'm hoping it's a more interesting play-with-bombs moment. Opinion on Dion? Is it believable that Oz and Dion would break into the clinic this way? There is a specific reason that no guards show up, but if there's too much suspension of disbelief I can have Brick or Dion come up with some additional support. Is this version of the chapter better or at least a step in the right direction? This takes place right after Oz storms away from Mira Midge, head of Turner, who wants him to help with creating a cure for the Rex….

Thank you so much for your thoughts and feedback!

I would also like to submit.

So this is my revised chapter 2. I got feedback last time round that after the prologue and chapter 1 - another action chapter was A LOT, and also the bomb sequence with the caravan was B material - and I want this to be a A+ stuff - so readers weren't engaged until the Brides showed up - so now they show up right at the start- and one of our potential villains is immediately present. Anyway, some questions.... - I'm trying to make the Rex scarier but less in a zombie/monster way and more of a cold-blooded social darwinist way, and so the description of the whale rat at the beginning of the chapter is supposed to tie into that theme on a creepy worldbuilding level. Does it work or are you just bored out of your mind? (Also, it's supposed to be a moment where Oz takes a breath of air - only to wonder if he should be doing that. LOL) - Eleanor's interest in Oz is more overt here. Better or worse? - I want Oz to be less competent in these early chapters so that he can be more competent later (GROWTH!) - again, does that decrease your interest or cramp it? - for those that have read both version, is this better?

Ah, I realized something as I read this. THE NAMES... which of and by themselves aren't a problem. I like the more exotic, fantasy-based names, but you have so many character introductions in this chapter. I have no idea who Rienri is (though some of that is weekly reader syndrome). I do know Eshrin as we met him through Lasila. I already forgot who Melqueth - I think we had three paragraphs with him. And then there are all of Savae's people introduced and my head explodes. Please note, I read quickly but then I feel like many readers of sci-fi fantasy do, which is why clear sign posting and one-at-a-time character introductions with each key characters conflict immediately becoming clear is really useful. You also now have more than one POV - which is even more complex. It seems like Mandamon, Robinski and I were all having issues sorting out who was relevant at this point in the plot. You're amping up to secondary relationships (e.g. not just Eshrin but his brother the senator and not just the senator but this politically important guy Melqueth) at this point when previously we were going one-at-time with Lasila. One suggestion would be to layer these characters into the earlier scenes, e.g. have Melqueth show up at the seamstress's shop. Or have the Senator show up at Lasila's house to visit her brother unexpectedly. These sort of scenes give you the time and space to set up individual conflicts with your protagonist. Whereas with them ALL happening at the ball or a single scene (which we have not read) before will weigh heavily on the narrative. Anyway, something to be aware of. The high society, political machinations aspect of this novel is reminding me of The Goblin Emperor, which was my favorite book last year. I'm eager to see if you take it more that direction.

So I enjoyed the exchange back and forth between Iluya and Lasila. Is it supposed to be implied that Iluya prefers women but due to her station and situation feels she will have to marry a man? Because of the multiples genders present in the word and the misogyny towards women I'm still not sure what the taboos on sexuality are here. I was also fully engaged in the reveal of Lasila's magic - I keep wondering if she's going to be revealed as the new living goddess. The comment on the cost of the clothing from the priestess seemed VERY RUDE. The priestess chose the seamstress and as the benefactor wouldn't it have been her job to advise and restrict the budget? Or was her pointing out the cost a way to burden Lasila so as to make her feel the debt? I got a sense of that, but Lasila's reaction and analysis wasn't exactly clear. Completely confused once we stick to Savae's POV. Granted, I didn't read your intro in the post above, but now that I read your description they have been tasked by the crime lord Varael Ashana to obtain a token from Senator Riruna at this event and pass it to his brother-in-law Aserahin Ealis. They have ceremonial roles as well here: both the goddess' death and her return appear to serve their dread portent.... I'm even more confused as to how this is threading through the story. My instinct is to say less time in previous chapters on dress consultations and more on creating personal stakes for this complex plo!!!! I'm still not sure how Savae's people are at odds with the Aelin in the broader sense. I got the picture that they were culturally and magically different, but I didn't understand Savae's goal among the Aelin. I hope that helps!

Okay, I didn't think it was going to happen, but I completely revised my chapter 2 and would love the group's take on it. So I'm throwing my hat in for Monday.

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the chapter. I'm definitely going to keep parts and hack at others. The Dion/Hayden conversation, I think, adds to the Calgary suspense as you mention but could be used more effectively - so that will be in my edits. "Parallel your hands" is sort of a weird command.

Hah. I liked Moth. I didn't like her weird moment of sticking her tongue out at the businessmen (that went beyond immaturity into antisocial behavior), but I found her well-intentioned interactions with Mister Grimes strangely fascinating in the context of the rest of her background. What sort of convent is this anyway? LOL. I am rather confused on what exactly she did in relation to the drop? I'm not sure how her interactions in the restaurant moved the package along? I kept waiting for her to pick it up out of the trashcan and I feel like I missed whatever she actually did. Quirk's character section was slower moving for me. I like some of the cultural observations while others dragged for me. His narcissism made it harder for me to like him, but that's quite possibly intentional on your part. I like the diversity of having a robot being a character - and how you kept it short and to the point.

Oh, just another thought on Amra and getting in more feels with the kid/adoption plot line (as Kaisa also suggested). Her being a poor negotiator made me not take her seriously as a character, but if she has a problem with giving away their profits to poor children (especially street children that look eminently adoptable) that would just be ridiculously sweet, okay? Also, Prot could kind of love her for it, even as it makes him want to tear his hair out....