kais

Overall It was nice to get our inciting incident! I think this is likely your first chapter, though even with that said, it still could use some cutting. The first three pages are more scene building and don't appear to contribute to the greater narrative. They also slow the tension. If you start maybe a paragraph before the leaving of the restaurant, that would be a great, strong start to the narrative. Especially as a first chapter. Then you'd just thrown in the unicorn, with readers expecting humans, and you'd have a great hook for sure. I enjoyed the fight and chase, and the return home. Generally I'm not a fan of POV switches mid-chapter, or even within the first three chapters, but this one worked for me because I already knew about the unicorn. So, yay to inciting incident, but a bit of fat left to trim. Carry on! As I go - The first page I'd suggest cutting. They start the chapter off with backstory and not action, and it leaves a less than dynamic introduction to an early chapter, where you want strong dynamics and pull - Page two gets a bit more dialogue, but there is still no forward progression - pg 3: ...grumbled to herself in indecision as she slipped out the front doors <-- okay here. It looks like this is your plot point for the chapter. I'd suggest maybe a paragraph before it where people say their goodbyes as they close up the kitchen, then lead right into this. We aren't invested enough in the world yet to want to follow the day-to-day of these characters. For me, that kind of pacing works well once we've had some hooks and need a breather, and want to really really get into the lives of our characters. In a second chapter, it mostly makes me want to skim. - pg 3: human head? Are there humans in this world?? If not, why is it a human head and not uh, say, fleshy, flat faced head with short snout? - pg 4: I don't understand 'with the force of magic.' I think mostly because I don't yet know how magic works in this world, so I don't know how forceful it is or isn't. I can't get a mental image - pg 4: this unicorn scene is giving me vibes from SPACE UNICORN BLUES, which is probably my favorite book right now - pg 4: the pot is a bomb? Or is it a bomb in a pot? Like...a flower pot? I need a bit more description - pg 6: full magical explosion? Per the comment above, I need more information on the magic of this world before I can really get the feel for what that means - pg 6: what are they tardy from?? - pg 7: blocking. I don't know what is happening. The unicorn exploded the patio, then....flew them to the attackers, but then water came? Is this all unicorn magic? Can it fly without wings? IS IT AN ALICORN?? Look, we watch a TON of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic in this house, and I have questions - pg 8: hoping to shake off any followers <-- Aren't we assuming the unicorn was the target? Why would she have followers? I thought she was just collateral damage? - pg 10: A hydrokinetic and a telekinetic <-- but isn't telekenetics, as a SF and fantasy trope, just the ability to move things? Wouldn't water fall into that? - pg 12: the assassin fired on ALL the unicorns in the city? Simultaneously?? I'm confused - pg 13: I was on board with the POV switch until pg 13. Here, it becomes more plot dump and the tension lags. You could probably cut this entire last page and just end with him thinking about his name, and how no one should have known it. The last line and the last paragraph are strong, so keeping them would be good

LBL = line by line. It's when @Robinski gets into his copyeditor mode

I’m 100% fine with it

Ah, we have dealt with this a LOT on the forum. You can totally write those kind of characters, the trick is to make sure either the narrative or authorial voice clearly rebuts them. It’s a fine line to walk for sure, but we are here to help! Two things here: first one is that gender fluid is a type of nonbinary. You may want to have a poke at the definitions so we better know what to read for. I find this image very useful. second, when writing outside your lane (for a marginalized identity) what you really want is a sensitivity reader. Not a crit group. These are people paid to do just what you noted above- give expert, lived advice to make a character more authentic. They also mean you aren’t asking for emotional labor from marginalized people, though in this instance, as far as I know we don’t have any gender fluid people on the board right now.

I’d also like a spot for the 27th, pending space

@Turin Turambar you’d have to look it up on the hashtag. Probably 8 or 9 eastern

Heads up! #DVpit, the Twitter pitch contest for marginalized writers, is tomorrow! Today was kid and YA, tomorrow is adult. It’s a good chance to snag some agent attention!

Overall Some event swapping might be in order. It reads clearly and the family voices are distinct. I liked the cooking scene a lot, and felt like it gave flavor to the world. However, I think you should consider moving the declaration to join the rebellion right after the cooking scene, then let that explode, then let us learn about the family while they explode. Right now the (potentially?) inciting incident comes too late. The family is hard to stick with, as there are so many of them, and there is no urgency to the world. I'm invested in our MC, and a little bit in the world, but not the plot, as I can't yet identify what it is. Without knowing what the plot is, I don't know what elements of the story to dig into. That makes it hard not to skim. I see we all agree. I've not read chapter two (obviously), but generally, most new writers find they can cut their first chapter. Yes! I was wondering this too but of course, because it's me, I thought about it from the sex side Seconded. I think this chapter is an excellent outline of parts of the world and your MC's family. Might be better to shelve it though, and leave this information in places throughout the larger narrative. Also, I might be interested in an alpha read swap soon, if you want a full document crit? Let me know! As I go - pg 1: coyotes? Are...are these furries? IS THIS FURRY FICTION?? - pg 1: I need you to out to the yard and <-- typo in there - pg 2: a dragon cooking food is adorable and I love it - pg 4: redundancy on 'chill,' bottom of page four - pg 5: the unicorn with yellow eyes and dragon teeth <-- that sure is an image! Makes me think of the very excellent book SPACE UNICORN BLUES - pg 6: I don't mind slice of life in fantasy, and the cooking scene was fun, but here on page six I'm getting antsy. What is the plot? Where is the inciting incident? - pg 7: would sleep through the night <-- as a parent, I feel this so hard - pg 9: too many family member introductions. They're all blurring together. I will not be able to keep track of any of them save the sister - pg 10: up to here, this has read as a (very well done) character and world sketch. It doesn't read like a first chapter to a book, more, an authorial exercise - pg 11: more worldbuilding talk, but it's hard to stay focused. I don't have any stakes, no sense of urgency, no plot. I don't know what to focus on, or why I care about the worldbuilding because I'm floundering for the why's of the book. I have some decent empathy for our MC, and I like her family. Are they in danger? Is the MC in danger? Is there war that threatens the family immediately?? - not page related: I've always wondered...can these different species interbreed? Because a unicorn and a dragon have to be different species, right?? - pg 13: okay, so it looks like the sister desire to join the revolution is the inciting incident? If this came say, after the cooking scene, and we dropped in here and then got some family backstory, that would make it a lot more dynamic. This comes too late. - pg 14: our MC can see the future??

@Turin Turambar you can make your own thread or post in the lounge

Overall Some fantastically tense scenes in here! Loved the trip through the crystal again. Some motivation issues early on that didn't get rectified, but as with the last chapter, once they were in the crystal it was fantastic. S has really grown, and really naturally, too. He's a delight of a POV. Also, I like getting two chapters at a time. It really helps me stay with the narrative and keep the tension up. As I go - pg 1: the epigraph says the nether has all these properties, but I feel like we only ever see the crystal part and the water part. Never the plant or animal part - pg 1: darker than he what he would expect <-- typo in here - pg 2: why would darkness put them at more of a disadvantage, if the Elgy already block the path? I'm still not certain where they are in the wall - pg 5: I don't understand why they are trying again. What has changed? Aren't they just going to fail again??? - pg 7: ah, I see. This seems a little out of order. I'd think S would propose this higher non-bridge and then they'd argue whether going back was a good idea or not - pg 9: I just ran the entire length of the bridge between our facets when we were both certain we wouldn’t make it <-- this seems like a weak argument. Doesn't he want to understand how or why he did that before relying on it for the next pass? - pg 12: I like the joining of all the house notes and the imagery a lot. I remain confused as to why they are going back so quickly though, and why they feel confident things will be different this time. Oddly, I think a bit more discussion is needed before more action - pg 18: VERY TENSE - pg 18: so...they're all turning back? I thought I had popped through to the other side? No? - love that ending! But why the 'save E' part? Didn't she pop out with I??

Overall The start was a bit slow, and I was confused with the dialogue at the start. I understood what you were going for but it didn't quite snap the way I wanted it to. But by the time they were moving through the wall I was so there. There was great tension and I loved the bit at the end with S laughing! The interactions between the trio are priceless, as is the romance/tension dynamic. Generally though, I enjoyed this chapter a lot! As I go - epigraph: I was hoping this epigraph might also address the 'are they actually siblings' question I've always had about Ari instances. I did enjoy it, but wonder what it really told us? It seems like they're as individual as humans, so is it giving new information? - pg 2: E appears from nowhere. I thought it was just S - pg 2: and a mass of lines crossed his vision, connecting everything with everything else. <-- this made me think of ley lines, weirdly - pg 5: Breeders? As in, that species doesn't breed? This is a common insult hurled at straight people so I find it very amusing - pg 11: 'clamper' as a role makes me chuckle. I guess that explains the breeder comment! - pg 17: would’ve fallen backward had he been standing in air. <-- this sentence confused me. They were walking and his guide held him back. But there was still crystal there? Or was it meaning that there wasn't crystal there and he'd have fallen through empty space? - I'm still a bit confused with the blocking. Are the creatures physically preventing them from connecting to the other end of the net? Or have they eaten the bridge? - pg 23: you've got 'slewed' to a halt instead of 'slowed' - pg 24: aww, I love that S laughs! That's such good character development for him!!

Overall So, this reads more like a character draft than an intro chapter. Around page six I think is where things really start, but then they die back again a few pages later. Romance books have these sort of standard benchmarks, and queer romance, especially if you are going f/f, has rules. It's not that you have to follow them, but you end up with angry readers if you subvert too many expectations. It's like SFF writing. You write sci fi, it needs to have science in it, even if it's techno babble. Space opera focuses on relationships, military sci fi focuses on chain of command, etc. So in romance, there's always at least an A plot (the romance) and the B plot (the event that brings our characters together, etc.). You still have to do character/plot/stakes, but in romance, the world and events take a backseat to the romance (flip from other writing, where romance tends to be the B plot). This means that you still have to set up characters/plot/stakes in your first chapter, so people can get buy in. You've set up the love triangle just fine, but I don't yet care about any of the characters, or know really why M is doing anything (until we get her motivations on page 6). In addition, you've set this up as a spec fic romance, which means you have to do worldbuilding. Contemporary romance will focus on an event (a sports event, an arranged marriage, etc.) whereas spec fic romance means the B plot has a bit more teeth than in contemporary. But in the end, what makes a good romance is a B plot that can stand on its own, even though it is deeply overshadowed by the A plot. My best suggestion would be to go back through the chapter and add in your B plot. Add in the stakes. Cut a lot of the daydreaming for once we have a bit more established. Answer the questions why do we care about m? What is she doing? What are the consequences if she doesn't do it? How will her romance with either pinkie or the guy affect her goals? As I go - pg 1: Uncle's voice is really young. Letters tend to be more formal, too, than speech, but the letter is written more like speech, by a Gen Z almost. - sitting on a bench and taking a deep breath is not a particularly dynamic start. The third sentence would work better - I had to reread the first page three times to figure out what was happening. She's dropping her mental shields so she can read people telepathically, yes? I think the water and rock part threw me off, made me think she was doing something telekinetic instead of just reading people - pg 2: A person with pink hair, ripped jeans, and a skateboard clutched under her left arm <-- Reader confusion. If she is getting a 'her' pronoun, why refer to her as a 'person'? - She's thinking about a person in a dress and braid, but then thinks about her dog? The way the sentence is arranged, it makes it sound like the person described is her dog - OHHHH these are people's thoughts! I see! I think we need a bit more indication. I was very confused. - pg 2: All these early people M is hearing are femme and I find that very amusing - pg 2: A person with wild honey colored hair stepped outside, pushing his glasses up. <-- there's that pronoun plus person thing again. It's super confusing to me - Pg 3: +5 for cleavage - pg 4: so, romance, yes, the A line is the romance. But you need a B line, and it needs to be established by the second or so page (even if it changes). The first two pages of this were reading people's thoughts, which doesn't give me any insight into M, or what she is doing, her interests, etc. We have a touch of character, we do not have stakes, and therefore the buy-in is missing - pg 4: better repeat the word 'innocent' on its own line. It took me a minute to figure out what the word was in question - okay wait, it's M with the cleavage? I'm so confused. I think we need dialogue tags on the thoughts. I can't tell what is M and what is people she is reading - pg 6: this paragraph about sight needed to come a lot earlier, I think. In fact, I think you could start the book on page 6, with the sentence 'M's head throbbed'. It's much more dynamic and gives us a solid grounding in the world, and M - pg 7: ah, there's the motivation we've been missing - pg 8: but I don't care about Mi. She's going off with him, but I want some stakes now. I know there's this 'his brain is dark' think but I think that needs to be brought out a lot more strongly, to get her interest up. Like... maybe she was going for the pink haired girl, and then Mi's brain caught her attention, so even though she ALREADY set up a date with the pink haired girl, she can squeeze in some recon time with Mi just before as long as she times things JUST RIGHT - pg 9: too much information about Mi. I don't care about him yet. I still barely care about M. I need more conflict! It can be romantic conflict no problem, but I need something

I got the attachment just fine.

I'd like to sub on Monday, pending space

PG-13 lets you have a breast or two and some wandering hands, I believe...

I like this! I think it would clear up a lot of confusion

I kind of enjoy getting two at a time! Overall Enjoyed this a lot! It was nice to get a chance to relax with the trio and get some kissing action! I'm not certain the part after that is needed. It doesn't really give us new information and could be consolidated into a 'we tried to open a portal together and it didn't work,' in a section where it does work after some new discovery. It also makes the chapter a bit too long for no resolution. Otherwise, this worked for me. I love the trio and getting to spend some down time with them was much needed. As I go - pg 1: That morning, the Elgy had come through <-- this is a big statement. I think it should be chased with some emotion! - pg 3: relaxing? LIKE IN A HAMMOCK??? - pg 4: yes, go a little lower. LOWER! - pg 5: 'tangy lactose sauce' just sounds...really unappetizing - pg 8: he lost his memories but still remembers his pocket watch? I feel like this is a missed opportunity to mourn the life he had before that he can't remember while he strokes the inlay on the watch or something - pg 8: think of it as meeting our family for the first time.... emotions from S, please! Meeting the family is a BIG deal! - pg 10: Few of the Ari wore shoes. <-- because there are no shoes in space! - redundancy on 'sea' there on pg 10 - pg 13: and no one said anything about changing shape, or absorbing instances, or taking over the universe. It was nice. LOL! I loved this line! - pg 15: awwwwwww Sa. - pg 16: only one free room? TAKE A DRINK i am so here for this - pg 20: Several parts of him did, in fact. <-- ORLY - pg 20: You know there’s only one hammock in this room, don’t you <-- TAKE A DRINK - pg 21: mahogany chest <-- hitting the 'mahogany' and dark coloring words a little hard in this chapter - pg 22: GAH come on now. At least a little necking before this fades to black? - pg 26: I think it would be logical to end the chapter after the sex scene - pg 30: It was like trying to feed a string into a keyhole. <-- isn't that pretty easy though? Strings are little and keyholes are pretty big, at least in older doors

Overall I have mixed feelings on this chapter. I like Re's POV and his moral grayness. I like getting more on the Ari and their plot. The dialogue left me confused though. I wasn't entirely certain who all were talking, in terms of whether they were 'Snakeys' or Ari pretending to be Snakeys, and if there was one plot or a few. I know the Snakeys worship the ideal form but it sounded like the Ari here might, too? And the Snakeys wanted the Elders because they have perfect form, and the Ari think that's silly? And then something about wanting to use the Assembly or infiltrate it or...? I wonder if the dialogue section couldn't be trimmed to really pack a punch with each line. It's not that it lacks tension, but it does wander in some places and I get confused and then grabbed back again, then confused, then grabbed. It was hard to gain a really strong foothold. Still, I'm glad to be back with R and to see what's going on. I've always enjoyed his POV. As I go - aww, it's R! - pg 3: did Ri and Ori make a void? Is this WRS or unreliable narrator? - pg 5: oooh I liked the gloved hand line! - pg 6: I feel like it took too long to get to the 'why didn't you eat me' part of this. A bit between this and the start could probably be cut to make it tighter - pg 6: the paragraph that starts with: R swallowed<-- could be cut completely I think. it's redundant with the ones before it and slows down the tension build - pg 10: ah, this explanation dialogue helps a lot - pg 11: by favoring only those who take part in the Assembly. <-- this sounds like they will favor the ones from the Assembly of Species? But aren't they trying to take down the assembly? I have motivation confusion - pg 12: okay, wait. So these are Ari, disguised as 'Snakeys', yes? And if so, the Ari also want the ideal form? Why are Snakey and Ari desires aligned? What am I missing?

My chapter is long, again. Any issues with subbing 5400 words since it's just Mandamon and I?

I'd be fine with it being the sheriff. I got a better feel for his personality than most of the other side characters, save E. Maybe? I could see a lot of ways it could go south, too. I like this a lot!

I’d be fine with a double sub again, especially if it’s just us. It allows me to get more into the story

I’d like a slot for next Monday please

100% here for this thread! For what it's worth, I'm agented and published with both small and midsize presses, so am very happy to talk about the rollercoaster of that experience, if needed.

I love the illustrations of them! SO COOL!

I think it’s a great idea! You have my vote!