rdpulfer

Thanks rohyu, I appreciate the note about the part on page three being too long. I'm also glad you liked the part about the bounty hunters. I'm going to work out the bugs in the faith vs. religion theme in my next draft. I do think her contention comes off as trite and cliche. Thanks for the pointing that out though - now I know it definitely needs a lot of work.

- I like the first line a lot. - Watch out for overuse of "to be" verbs like was, were, had and been. Someone pointed this out in my own writing so I'm a little sensitive to it. It really cuts down the description, especially in the opening chapters. - It's not just the accents but also the slang which seems to be throwing me. It's makes the world feel more lived in and real, but I also feel it could be dialed down just a bit. - Overall, a good story. It kept my interest, even if the dialogue was a bit to follow. I really did want to know more in the end . . . I wonder if it could extrapolated just a little more. Otherwise, good work!

Thanks Robinski - I noticed as I was writing this that it felt like they became too chummy, or at least too accepting of the situation far too quickly. I'm definitely going to have to edit that in future drafts.

Thanks Mandamon. I definitely need to show the passage of time. I was also beginning to question if these serial offenders were too much. Thanks for confirming it with me. The Van Helsings are definitely not fundamentalists, but I wanted to show their skepticism in this passage. The reason Stephanie's sister was more prone to fundamentalism towards the end of her life is explained later. Thanks again for the feedback!

Robert Renfield has betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of this development, however, the monster hunters of Westenra continue the hunt for Dracula and his vampires. Their top agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, suffers from baffling visions shortly before she is framed by the murder of her colleague. On the run, she manages to find Renfield, but both are attacked by Renfield's lycanthropic handler Bannister on the full moon. After trapping Bannister in a train car and surviving the night, both realize Stephanie's visions are linked to the Scholomance, an ancient ritual which first gave Dracula supernatural abilities.

- Okay, I love the title of this chapter right off the bat! In fact, this is what made me want to go back and read the previous two chapters and prologue. - Like the reveal of the Kingsmen and the reaction of all to the fact, especially Alma's sarcastic response (apparently I'm very bias towards this character.) - Parts of page 10 feels like a bit of an infodump. Where is Cwidagth in relation to everything else? The name-dropping threw me a bit. - Covelle seems to share an awful lot to Dyllis. He could be trying to play for an advantage, but it feels a little out of place. - Overall it felt interesting, but the pace seemed a lot slower than previous chapters, mainly just from the slow down from the action.

Well, best of luck in finding more writing time, Comatose. Any chance you can squeeze enough time for NaNoWriMo? I'm going to submit another Scholomancer installment next week.

Thanks rohyu. I'm glad the similes are working. It sounds like I just need a lot more description of the train's interior (it's a cattle car with multiple floors, hence why Stephanie and Renfield are close together in one section and Bannister is in another.)

- The section in italics is interesting - it gives us our first real glimpse of casting - but the italics feels out of place. I can't seem to remember them being used much in the previous chapter. It just feels a bit inconsistent. - By the night time is underlined, and I really don't know why. - I still like Alma's personality, and I also like seeing how the various things in her daily routine effects her demeanor. I also like her scowling at the old man. - Seeing Benam in the bar took back a bit . . . up until this point I figured they didn't know each other, though everything in Benam's story so far suggests a need to drink a lot. - I liked the action with Covelle, but I couldn't help but want to see the same events from Bermen or Alma's eyes too given their part in the story. - Overall, I'm interested. The pacing is a little slow, but I don't think it's necessary sluggish. Interested to see what chapter 3 brings.

Thanks Shrike76 - I think I was still getting my head around the layout of the train when I wrote this. I think I'll have to clarify some things in the description going forward. I'll also have to actually spell out what Renfield's duties were, and what secrets Dracula kept from him.

I've fallen more than a little behind, so I figured I'd save the confusion and start from the beginning. - I liked the beginning - that people are cheering the defeat of an enemy. That's a powerful image. - The captions in the dialogue on the 6th page are a little confusing. - So far the most interesting element is where the propaganda meets the reality, especially with regards to the brutality of the victor. However, it's a bit tough to see when it's filtered from the POV character in the first few pages. - I do like Benan's reaction to the executions. - Alma is awesome. Period. - Nice to see Benan so soon after the time jump. I was worried we might loose track of him. - Overall, I thought it was a nice set-up. It has me interested what's happening next, and how all these character intersect.

Thanks for piping up about Irving - I still haven't decided one way or the other. I figured I'd see what everyone thinks once the entire storyline plays out.

Thanks Mandamon. I'm going to spend just a little more time editing my submissions before I send them on, since the typos seem to be extremely glaring. Anyway, I'm glad you liked this chapter. - Definitely going to make Jack seem like less of a dick. - It also sounds like I can cut a lot of the extraneous build-up. Like Robinski said on the last submission, a lot of it can be inferred by the reader. I'm still undecided if I'll remove all or some or Irving's chapters.

Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of the world continue to search for Dracula, unaware of Renfield's betrayal. One such hunter, Stephanie Van Helsing, is suffering from mysterious visions. Framed for the murder of a colleague, Stephanie finds Renfield, but both are confronted by Renfield's "handler" Bannister, who changes into a werewolf on a full moon and pursues them into a train yard.

Thanks Robinksi. This is very much a first draft - and one I wrote somewhat on the fly, with changing hours - so I apologize for the many, many, many typos. I definitely plan on spending more time making Westenra into a believable company - and yeah, they need a 24 hour op center. I had both Stephanie and Renfield in their mid-to-late twenties. Not sure if this seems too young or not. Thanks for the feedback. It sounds like there's a lot I need to cut (and correct).

Thanks rohyu. I'm really contemplating dumping the Irving chapters, so be sure to let me know if you think they are effective or not. I think the chapters bring in more about his motivations (his cancer-stricken wife) and give more details about other characters, but perhaps at the expense of suspense and pacing.

Good look on your schoolwork, Comatose! I remember how (little) writing I got done during school. Keep at it! Also, just wanted to say I was going to submit again on Monday before I forgot.

Thanks for all the feedback! @ Shrike76 - Thanks for letting me know the Irving chapter worked. I'm still really debating cutting his POV altogether unless I get a sense that his POV is contributing to the overall story. I'll also give some thought to Renfield finding an alternative solution to shooting Bannister. @ Asmodeon - Yeah, I think a lot of the characters' actions were set up for the ensuing werewolf attack in the next chapter. I definitely need to make the characters less bumbling, and I also need to figure out a compelling reason for Bannister to show up so close to the full moon.

Thanks Mandamon! I knew Bannister showing up to find Renfield on the night of full moon was going to be a problem the second I finished the first draft. I just haven't thought of a good excuse yet - but thanks for pointing that out! I also appreciate the blocking notes - that's something I'm going to have to work on.

Hey Mandamon, I love the concept of "quantum jeans", even though for me it would have been "quantum jean shorts". I also like the quantum execution, as the day unfolds differently depending on which way the main character puts on the jeans. The setting does feel a bit vague, especially since it was alternating between two storylines. I wondered if the second was supposed to be more sci-fi when the narrator mentions the interface, but otherwise, everything seems pretty normal. I would just make sure you can always tell which POV you are seeing. The flower in the lapel helps this a bit. Also, I don't know much about newspaper stands, but do they regularly sell apples and muffins? I just thought they sold newspapers and magazines. Otherwise, I think it's a great concept and I hope you win the contest!

Renfield has betrayed his Master Dracula and trapped him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, the hunters of Westenra continue their hunt for the Dracula, aware of this development. One hunter, Stephanie Van Helsing, suffers from a series of mysterious visions. Framed for the murder of a colleague, Stephanie seeks answers, while Renfield flees his own handlers - the monsters who opposed Dracula. The two collide during Stephanie's search. After a brief brawl, Stephanie falls unconscious from a vision, leaving her with a rather perplexed Renfield.

I'm back from the Writing Excuses Retreat, so I'll be posting another Scholomancer chapter or two if it's okay.

Thanks Mandamon! As I said, this is my first really choregraphed fight . . . I was actually looking up moves on Google, but now I see I probably had too much blow by blow as a result. I'll definitely think about losing some of Irving's POV, if not removing them entirely. I guess that's something to constantly keep in mind as I go forward through each chapter. Thanks again!

- I like the building concern for McTuggard's condition. It also helps build sympathy for Theavis. - I like the line, "Even to stones the ground is unforgiving." - Just noticed now that Relvaris and Theavis sound really similar. You might want to change those two names up. - Be sure the breaks in the chapter feel natural. That don't have to be hooks (although that can certainly help), but they should feel like a good place to switch focus. "Can you check and see if the mayor is okay?" seems awkward to me. - Definitely feel like Relvaris and Theavis run the risk of blurring together since they have similar names and so far occupy similar roles as the point-of-view character thrust into an epic story.

- I apologize for the length. I think I really hit the maximum length this time. I'll make sure future installments aren't that long. - I'd be interested to know, going forward, how vital you guys think the Irving chapters are. I've been considering removing them and/or replacing them with Jason's perspective. This might be something to watch going forward. - I think i definitely need to condense this fight scene, and it sounds like it needs to be tightened up anyway (namely the hoodie). - One thing about the blood: a key part of Renfield's character is that he suffers from, well, the clinical term is actually Renfield's Syndrome. He is excited by the sight of blood, but I think it's more about the drinking of blood more than the sight. I might have to re-tool this element. Thanks for all the feedback, and again, I'm sorry for the length. Just think of it as a make-up since I'll be gone next week