Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ashspren]

Okay, awesome! In that case let's stick with the original matchups: 

• Sadeas vs. Szeth  ( @Archer vs. @Frustration )
• Kaladin vs. Nightblood  ( @Stardust vs. @GG0z )

Players, you have until Sunday 7/19 at 11:59pm EDT to submit your roasts. Hopefully this gives everyone enough time! Best of luck, everyone. 

[GG0z He/Him]

Star, I'm sorry... 

Kal is my favorite character... It'll be painful to do this to him

[Archer he/him]

Sadeas vs Szeth

 

In Highprince Sadeas' tent, a glowing pen scribbled as he dictated.  

Words of Torol's creation:
"To sweet Ialai, my light. 
Let's use spanreed vibrations, 
As god intended tonight. 

Without you I'm unwhole, 
There's a rift in my essence. 
I'd burn a canyon of souls, 
For the gift of your presence. 

Some lovers chase down kings, 
Or sweet-talk men's sisters. 
Call me one of those things, 
For I wed the Queen of Whispers. 

My love for you won't waver, 
For your safehand I'd still kill. 
I can't be your sonmaker, 
But I'll promise you a thrill. 

Much more I would describe, 
But our work never abates. 
I leave you with the scribe,
My duel with Szeth awaits. 

I read the scouting report, 
He's too exposed on high kicks. 
And when exchanging retorts, 
He's prone to moral crisis. 

And there's another weakness, 
I needn't get in his head. 
That sword, in its uniqueness, 
Blathers there in my stead."

Realizing he was rambling, Sadeas composed himself and exited into the evening air. The contest commenced. 

Here to duel, Stonewalker, 
At your oathstone's insistence? 
I thought you spit on rocks here, 
What a strange inconsistence. 

No, you're Dalinar's pet now, 
A man I used to obey. 
Thanks for Gavilar's take-down, 
It helped show me the way. 

Your Blackthorn has flaws, 
That make him unfit to rule. 
I ditched him because 
That drunk's the Tenth Fool. 

Your mentors serve elsewhere, 
Who's to say they're not right? 
With a solider you paired
Just to keep picking fights. 

Naive as your weapon, 
You want evil to lose. 
But you can't say who's won
With your morals confused. 

Killing makes you feel strong, 
You just like being ruthless. 
Until you know right from wrong, 
To me, you're still Truthless. 

Sadeas pointed at the Assassin in White's foot.

Your soul is leaking.
Ha! Made you look. 

[Stardust She/Her]

Well, I gave this one less time than my last one, since I had other priorities, but I am still pretty proud of some of these insults. 

I present... KALADIN'S ROAST!!!

Spoiler

*Kaladin, feeling confident from his earlier victory, picks up the microphone* 

 

Hi Nightblood! 

Would you like to destroy some evil today? 

Oh right, that’s your line

Ain’t it a little cliche? 

 

Let’s be honest, it’s easy to take you down

You’re a joke, you’re a fake, you’re a sword clown

 

Vasher was so excited to have his dream of a Shardblade finally come true

Instead he found out that he got you

 

You’re an imitation, a prop, a cheap knock-off

You think you’re so cool? Don’t make me scoff

 

I have not one real Shardblade, but two

Both of whom are better than you

One is a spren and can change her form

The other is an honorblade, which you possibly could deform

 

You have so much power that you don’t know how to use

Your mind is like a child’s, easy to confuse

You like to see in black and white

Clear lines without shades of grey

You just continue to always fight

And even your own owner you would betray

 

You turn your wielder into black smoke

I think it’s  safe to say everyone just wished you’d never spoke

 

You hurt those who try to help, nearly killing them all

I’m just gonna say- don’t be surprised if no one will catch you if you fall

 

Let’s address the real issue at hand

You’re just a sword! You can’t move on your own
Without someone to wield you, you’re like a fish on land

You are completely useless when you’re alone

 

You claim that your purpose is to destroy evil

But it will be interesting to see what you do

When you realize that the one who is truly evil

Is you

 

*Kaladin gives the Bridge Four salute to the people in the audience, head lifted confidently*

 

 

[Frustration]

I appear to have had a small case of "Unfortunately for Frustration life had ideas."

Szeth is ready

Spoiler

You knew you couldn't beat me, and tried to sacrifice yourself as a decoy.

Unfortunately for Gavilar, I saw right through your ploy.

 

You're too stupid to fool me, and too weak to resist,

Taravangian didn't see you as a threat, your name wasn't on his list.

 

You called me confused, Taravangian's pawn

You betrayed the Kholins and Alethkar, whose side are you on?

 

You whimper at death, I sigh in relief,

For you only your wife shed tears of grief.

 

You tried to claim Alethkar, your tactics were cruel,

Yet by every metric you were unfit to rule.

 

[GG0z He/Him]

I'm so sorry, Kal

Spoiler

Hello there! Would you like to destroy some evil today? Or maybe we can just destroy this bridge boy's remaining self-esteem instead! Get ready, Kaladin, because this is going to hurt worse than the Honor Chasm.

*ahem*

You're a sad little surgeon with a shiny spear-rod,

Walking 'round the shattered plains and acting like a god.

You spend half your time just whining in a muddy trench,

While I am drawing black smoke and clearing out the stench.

You have a little blue fairy buzzing right in your ear,

But touch my hilt for one second and you'll drown in your fear.

You’re the Captain of the Guard but your mind is a mess,

I’m a flawless piece of steel, you’re a slave to distress!

 

They call you Stormblessed, but you look storm-wrecked,

Chasing after ghosts and demanding respect.

I turn evil into smoke, make the darkness disappear,

You just sit inside a corner crying into your beer!

 

Let us talk about Shallan, since you thought you had a chance,

But you got completely bypassed for a highprince romance.

You two sat inside a chasm, shared a tragic little chat,

Then she chose the pretty blond boy—man, it hurts to look at that!

She has three different minds and they all think you're a drag,

You're just baggage in the corner that she doesn't want to drag.

Adolin got the girl, got the armor, got the style,

While you stand in the background looking moody all the while!

 

You love your sad boy hours, love to wallow in the rain,

Always collecting more burdens, always hoarding the pain.

You couldn’t save Tien, couldn’t save Elhokar,

Now you’re staring at the wall wondering who you are.

Sylphrena tries to cheer you, but you’re heavy as lead,

I eat Investiture for breakfast, you just live in your head!

Kal is my favorite character! It hurts to do this to him

[WhimsyIsTheBestShard]

Can I join next game?