Humorous Urithiru PSAs

[MasterheartsXIII]

As my friend and I read about Urithiru and learned it was the home of what were essentially a bunch of gods in human form, we realized how hard it would be to manage that many people. Therefore we created our patented:

List of Urithiru PSAs That Must Have Happened:

Original set:

-To the lightweaver who put an illusion of a chasmfiend in the oathgate entrance, a foreign emissary was coming on a diplomatic mission, and suffice to say relations are now…strained.

-Windrunners, while sticking someone to the ceiling might be an excellent way to stop a fight, please remember to let the participants down gently afterward, particularly in rooms with high ceilings.

-We understand that the hallways might be twisted and confusing to many, but please refrain from soul casting the walls, even if you are quote “late for a meeting.” Particularly do not soulcast any walls into blood. What is wrong with you? There were children nearby!

-Edgedancers, slicking the floor for a “fun prank” is not acceptable, particularly in public hallways. We have a laundress with a broken hip, and she’s threatening to sue.

-This is a general reminder to those of you with a gravitation surge, please keep track of your altitude and stormlight. We’ve had three accidents already this month.

-This is a general notice to all knights radiant. We ask that you use the stairs to get down from the top floor and refrain from jumping off the balcony. The ground is full of cracks and the bondsmith are getting irritated.

-Please remember that there are people here who are not knights radiant and therefore possess no special abilities or healing factor. There are currently eight people in the hospital due to negligence in this area.

-Since there are still many of you who refuse to refer to the Dustbringers by their preferred name, Releasers, mandatory sensitivity training will be held within the week. Please check the notice board for your order’s scheduled date and time.

There it is. Feel free to add more.

Some of the other good ones from my tumblr post on this:

- Stonewards, please refrain from creating handholds and staircases in the walls. The city planning committee is in an uproar and the traffic congestion is immense.

- Lightweavers, please remember to remove your illusions after you’re done practicing. We have multiple falling injuries from people assuming that the holes in the floor are illusions and not actually scheduled maintenance.

- To whomever Lashed the barracks doorway shut, we understand you are not on speaking terms with other members of your order. However, they do have a right to be able to sleep in their own bed. And no, you can’t Lash them to the ceiling as a substitute.

from aspiringwindrunner

- Skybreakers, we know you’re all about the rules, but covertly rerolling a saving throw doesn’t warrant an out-of-character death penalty. 

- Windrunners, please stop going up to visiting dignitaries and offering to “show them the world”.

- Stonewards, we know your herald is the best, please stop getting in shouting matches with the skybreakers in the hallways.

- Edgedancers, please stop talking the skybreakers in circles.  Their Highspren have filed complaints.

- Lightweavers, while your practice is certainly important, please stop sending images screaming salacious rumors through the halls.  On a similar note, please stop making fake dead ends, the ambassador was lost for nearly two days.

from kyerinell

Edited June 4, 2018 by MasterheartsXIII
Merged multiple posts

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

To all those who hides Unmade in the basement: stop it. It is not funny.

Edited June 4, 2018 by Toaster Retribution

[Khyrindor he/him]

Edgedancers: Not only is cutting off your fingers and immediately Regrowing them a sick joke to play in front of children, but it is also a complete waste of stormlight.

Edited June 4, 2018 by Khyrindor

[Wandering Investor]

1 hour ago, MasterheartsXIII said:

-To the lightweaver who put an illusion of a chasmfiend in the oathgate entrance, a foreign emissary was coming on a diplomatic mission, and suffice to say relations are now…strained.

I got that far into the list before I had to stifle my laughs since I'm at work. 

36 minutes ago, Toaster Retribution said:

The final message before the Urithiru shutdown must have been real fun:

”Honor is dead. Odium reigns.”

Part of me is upset with you for killing the vibe, and the other part just imagined an intense scene where they decode one of the gemstones and it says that. That would be epic.

[MasterheartsXIII]

- Windrunners, we have reason to believe that a certain few of you have been popping up in front of the lady’s bathrooms windows at washing time. Refrain from doing so or you will have consequences

from Snrpz

[Calderis he/him]

Willshapers and Stonewards. Whoever among you turned the entire field surrounding the Oathgate to Shin Kak Nish to quicksand will be found, and will face consequences. 

[thegatorgirl00 she/her]

Whoever left the gravitation fabrial on top of the Alethela oathgate, you must move it immediately or it will be towed. 

[Nathrangking he/him]

To all of the releasers who have been dividing the sanitation fabrials cease and desist immediately.

[Calderis he/him]

Welcome to Urithiru. Many of the things you see here may appear odd. In time you will adapt. Please always remember, that the face in front you may not be who they appear, or even a person at all.

You have been warned. 

[+hwiles]

- A general reminder to all radiants: Your squires' functional excellence and combat readiness require your proximity.  Be mindful of your relative position during operations; scouting resources are strained enough as it is.

- To all windrunner squires: please restrict training exercises to your order's designated grounds; the administration will henceforth consider unsanctioned utilization of other order's facilities an intentional instigation of confrontation and will be punishing offenders in a proportional manner.  The other orders are not responsible for combating the burden of your opulent participation.

- Edgedancers and Truthwatchers found utilizing Progression to grow plants in community spaces will face harsh retribution; the recent collapse of a certain dining hall due to rapid crack-propagation resulting from an unsustainable influx of root systems in the foundation stones was a completely preventable disaster.

[RShara she/her]

- Whoever keeps creating illusions of charging chasmfiends in the men's lavatory: Your assistance is appreciated but excessive. Thank you.

[Andy92]

- To the Edgedancer that slicked the floor in front of a waitress at the tavern, you have been banned from the establishment. 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

A message sponsored by the Devoteary of Commerce-

"Soulcasts meat, it's the other white meat"

[Llarimar he/him]

12 hours ago, MasterheartsXIII said:

Since there are still many of you who refuse to refer to the Dustbringers by their preferred name, Releasers, mandatory sensitivity training will be held within the week. Please check the notice board for your order’s scheduled date and time.

This is wonderful.  I laughed out loud.  

Here are a few.

Bondsmiths, you are now required to inform visiting dignitaries that you can learn their language just by touching them.  There are a few who are very upset that you were intentionally eavesdropping on their gossip.

Elsecallers, please use the hallways instead of Transporting through Shadesmar whenever you feel the need to take a shortcut.  We suppose this is better than Soulcasting walls into blood but it still can really startle people (not to mention an axehound hopped behind one of you and was lost into the sea of beads recently).

Skybreakers, please stop dragging people to the ministers of justice and exposing their minor offenses.  There is law enforcement in place to handle these types of things (and seriously, the boys who are drawing uncovered safehands in the bathroom stalls are not worth our time so stop harassing them).  

[Leyrann]

Truthwatchers, please try to not sneak up behind people and startle them by making creepy predictions.

[Erandeni he/him]

Bondsmiths, please, remember to ask permission before touching someone to learn their language, and touch them in a place they feel comfortable with. We have had complains.

[Overlord Jebus]

A reminder to all Radiants that your spren is your responsibility, especially in regards to propriety and privacy. Do not neglect to teach them that a locked door is normally locked for a reason.

[Draigon]

In an effort to bring better understanding between our orders, Releasers and Edgedancers will be Slicking a portion of the roof for anyone who'd like to experience Abrasion firsthand. Windrunners will standing by.

[IntentAwesome]

Will all Edgedancers please take note that human bowling is not an acceptable activity, particularly when the "pins" are unwilling and unsuspecting. For more information, please visit the IRESERI (Inter-Radiance Ethical Sports Education for Radiant Interrelations).

For any Radiant(s) to whom this applies, please observe that food is considered the personal property of the person currently consuming it. 

For any Radiant(s) to whom this applies, please observe that food is considered the personal property of the person currently already consuming it. 

For any Radiant(s) to whom this applies, please observe that food is considered the personal property of the person already who was consuming it prior to it being stolen and consumed by another. 

For any Radiant(s) to whom this applies, please observe that food is  Lift, just STOP stealing/eating other people's food.

Edited June 5, 2018 by IntentAwesome
Further PSAs were warranted.

[Gasper he/him]

To: All Radiants and military personel

From: Logistics

All Radiants with the gravitation surge and/or gravitation fabrials, refrain from using reverse lashings outside the training grounds.

From now on, Lopen of Bridge Four is to be checked when leaving the provisions room.

 

Soulcasting radiants are not allowed to soulcast organs, its creepy.

 

Attention all shardbearers, keep all shardblades, living or dead, unsummoned outside of the training grounds.

 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

To the Elsecaller prankster who has been Soulcasting human waste into aluminum, please cease and desist, the waste reclamation fabrials are now barely functional.

Be forewarned as well that the sewage system has backed up into the Lightweavers quarters, and they are very motivated to find the source of their current discomforture. 

The Lightweaver playhouse theater is pleased to announce a repeat performance of the greatest Envisagers play ever made, Dumas Seppuku's masterpiece, Scared Radiant.

 

[Crucible of Shards he/him]

Due to last week's incident, all Dustbringer meetings must be registered with a one week warning and must be attended by at least one Bondsmith sponsor. All participants, including Bondsmith, are responsible for cleanup and repairs afterward.

[Snipexe he/him]

Due to a very misfortunate accident, when throwing surprise party for a Radiant, please stay at least 6 feet away from the surprisee to avoid potential impalement. On a completely unrelated side note, we are holding a funeral for Kalan-son-Reth on the fourth floor.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Snipexe
Dang it gasper

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

The Stormfather wants you to know that he is tired of hearing you Radiants complain to him about the weather. Focus on the Desolations instead, thank you. 

[Gasper he/him]

13 hours ago, Snipexe said:

Due to a very misfortunate accident, when throwing surprise party for a Radiant, please stay at least 6 feet away from the surprisee to avoid potential impairment. On a completely unrelated side note, we are holding a funeral for Kalan-son-Reth on the fourth floor.

Don't you mean impalement? 

Having just because you have shardplate does not excuse you from having to clean out the airducts. The Truthwatchers have holed up in there again and the Windrunners are getting tire of having to try and remove them.