TUBA - The Underground Bakers' Association

[Gancho Libre he/him]

banned from what?

[+Ark1002]

The party.

[Archer he/him]

Does anyone mind if I raid the orchard for supplies? The one in the fallout shelter? Mace needs some 'special equipment' for when Voidus is released. I figure this qualifies as a Code Yellow situation. 

The assembled TUBA members nodded while everyone else scratched their heads in confusion. 

[Voidus]

Sudiov nodded his head with the rest.

"Also, just before he gets out, it seems like I'm still not added to all our secret discussions yet. Could someone fix that?"

[Archer he/him]

Well, it is New Member Sunday. Why not? *adds Sudiov to secret PM*

[Voidus]

[Silva]

5 minutes ago, Archer said:

*adds Sudiov to secret PM*

I first read this as a joke. Then I checked the PM...

[+Ark1002]

Umm... what? Can I see screenshot evidence?

[Voidus]

So in other news, everyone in the TUBA PM was mysteriously assassinated at the same time. Very mysterious and completely unrelated.

[Archer he/him]

That's the 21st time I've been assassinated today. 

[+Ark1002]

Wait, seriously, what happened?

[Voidus]

1 minute ago, Archer said:

That's the 21st time I've been assassinated today. 

Once Voidus gets out it will be

Over 9000!!!!

[Silva]

1 minute ago, Ark1002 said:

Wait, seriously, what happened?

Sudiov was finally remembered and added to our PM. 

[Voidus]

A semi-transparent figure approached a known TUBA headquarters, for a brief moment the figure began to flicker and the air around it grew darker but a moment later it returned to a stable appearance. The figure took a bowler hat from its head, tucking it under one arm as it approached the door and gave a firm knock.

"Hello! My name is Sudiov and I was hoping to speak with you all."

[Archer he/him]

Inside the TUBA headquarters, a muted argument could be heard going on. Eventually, the front door creaked open and a small wind-up duck waddled mechanically out of it. It approached Sudiov as quickly as its little metal legs could carry it, finally coming to a halt at his feet a few moments later. 

"Quack," it said cheerfully in a tinny voice. "There's nobody here but us chick- er, ducks."

"Tell him to go away," somebody shouted from the other side of the door.

The duck tried to shrug (which looked like a cross between a spasm and hip-hop) and relayed the message. "Please don't eat us," it squeaked. 

[Voidus]

The transparent figure stared at the duck in front of it for a moment before tilting its head to one side in confusion.

"Sorry, I'm not familiar with this custom. Should I have brought a duck as well?" Sudiov asked curiously. "I'm also not going to eat you. I don't mean any offense but I doubt it would taste very nice."

Sudiov took a step back for a moment, double checking the building he'd arrived at.

"This is a TUBA building correct? And there seem to be several non-duck like humanoids inside, though I'm not sure whether it would be more polite for me to pretend you weren't there."

[Archer he/him]

Sudiov's remark resulted in a flurry of whispering from the other side of the door. The voices got progressively louder and louder, and were soon accompanied by the occasional grunts of pain. Suddenly, the door flew open as a young man fell onto the welcome mat. Framed perfectly in the doorway stood the man who had pushed him, his arms still extended outwards. 

He shrieked when he saw Sudiov. The dozen guards who were standing in a huddle behind him reacted similarly. En masse, the contingent turned and fled, their sandals slapping against the tiled hallway floor as they ran. 

The man on the ground took the opportunity to snatch the mechanical duck and hold it in front of his face protectively. He curled into a ball, rocking back and forth as he muttered the ingredients of trail mix to himself. 

"Daryl!" A voice from inside of the headquarters called out sharply. "Get up!"

At this point, even the duck was embarrassed. It tried to mouth the words 'interns, am I right?' at their visitor, but the action looked more like a beached whale gasping for air. 

The voice called out again. "Excuse me, sir? Sudiov? Would you mind stepping in here so we can talk? I'm calling in from this piece of glass that appears to have been dropped on the ground. Makes it mighty difficult to hold a conversation, don't you know."

Without waiting for a response, the voice continued talking amiably. "Though I must say, it gives one an excellent opportunity to take a gander at the artwork on the ceiling. This piece here was commissioned by Storm himself on a trip to Nalthis. Ever been? It's quite nice, especially in the springtime. Anyway, it's so good to meet you. I'm TUBA's Manager of Visitor Affairs and Head of Recruitment. I get called in for every meeker and 'coon that breaches the perimeter. You never know what's going to turn out to be a sentient evil overlord with a laundry list of demands. Speaking of which, what brings you here?"

He stopped abruptly, staring at Sudiov intently through the glass. Outside, on the lawn, Daryl started digging himself a hole to hide in. 

[I think I am here. he/him]

31 minutes ago, Archer said:

with a laundry list of demands.

Quote

Or a demanding laundry list. Could go either way, really.

 

[Voidus]

Sudiov was a little concerned as he watched the human who had come out begin to dig a hole for himself, but given the number of strange spectacles he'd seen today, Sudiov opted to ignore it unless it seemed relevant.

"Well I have something to offer, and a request." He said. "It seems likely that I'll need to stay here in the Material plane for some time and I am somewhat in need of somewhere to stay. As for what I have to offer, well details might best be discussed a little more privately but it's my understanding that you all oppose the organization founded by Voidus? The Dark Alley? I'm sure you could find a use for my assistance in your operation."

With one more worried look towards Daryl, Sudiov stepped inside as the voice requested.

[Archer he/him]

"What's that in his hand? I can't see."

"It's black. About the size of a toaster. What's the blast radius on a handheld explosive of that size?"

"If it's stable enough to transport, it can't be that bad. But a harmonium cube could level a few floors."

"Start evacuating the kitchens, and send all non-essentials farther underground. I'll tell- what's that blinking red light indicating?"

"That's the intercom light. I believe you're transmitting site-wide."

There was a pause. Finally, the speaker worked up to courage to speak. "Right. I knew that," he said. "Hey, Mr. Sudiov. Don't mind us. We're just... testing the microphones. Testing, testing. One, two, Code Blue. Bye!"

With a click, the intercom shut off. 

"That was fun!" the voice from the glass chimed in. "TUBA has one of the best public address systems in the county. The wiring was completed seventy years ago, but the system wasn't used until this century. The first announcement to be transmitted was a poem written by Baker Teop, entitled, 'Six Reasons to Love Pudding'. You can find a recording in our audio archives."

He paused to give some quick instructions to the wind-up duck, which had wrested itself from Daryl's grasp and come to stand nearby. "Walk and talk!" the man continued. To accommodate this, the duck began dragging the piece of glass along the floor. 

"I'm taking you to visit our muffin bakery. We only have one at the moment, I'm afraid. the other seven burned down in mysterious fires." He winked conspiratorially. "The tragic loss allowed us to divert the budgets from those rooms into this one's. Have you ever seen a solid gold whisk? I thought not. It's very impractical, but beautiful to look at."

"Look, we're here already. Ducky, be a dear and open the door for us." The clockwork construction took a running start, then waddled backwards several times into the solid oak barrier, an action that looked a bit like a paddle-ball that didn't know when to quit. Eventually, it opened it enough to squeeze itself and the glass through. 

"Oh dear," exclaimed the man. "Everyone appears to have left. I was hoping to introduce you to my colleagues." Baked goods in various states of completion lay scattered along diamond counter-tops. Smoke was slowly seeping from the oven. The entire kitchen was eerily silent.

The man convinced the duck to prop his communication device up on a bag of flour. "No matter," he continued, unfazed. "Let's talk shop. Yes, we're the finest DA-fighting guild around. We also make food! If you're not evil, perhaps we could find a way to benefit from your assistance."

Edited January 28, 2019 by Archer

[Stormblessed Dolphin he/him]

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Quick announcement!

As many of you are probably aware, @Archer will be stepping down from his position as Head of Recruitment. We're sad to see him go, after many months of hard work. 

As such, the appointment for our new Head of Recruitment is @BitBitio!

So, that just means that he is the one to contact about joining TUBA. 

I'm sad to see Archer taking a less active role, but I know Bit will work hard to fulfill these duties. 

Happy Tuesday everyone!

 

[BitBitio he/him]

3 hours ago, Stormblessed Dolphin said:

Quick announcement!

As many of you are probably aware, @Archer will be stepping down from his position as Head of Recruitment. We're sad to see him go, after many months of hard work. 

As such, the appointment for our new Head of Recruitment is @BitBitio!

So, that just means that he is the one to contact about joining TUBA. 

I'm sad to see Archer taking a less active role, but I know Bit will work hard to fulfill these duties. 

Happy Tuesday everyone!

I'm BitBitio, and I approve of this message.

[Darth Woodrack he/him]

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QUOTE BOXES!!!

YES! ONE STEP CLOSER TO MY EVENTUAL ASCENDANCY TO SUPREME POWER!!!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

 

[AonEne he/him]

I hereby post just to annoy Darth.

[Darth Woodrack he/him]

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Said enes character.