Puns Puns Puns and More Puns

[Queen Elsa Steelheart she/her]

I love puns. Hit me with your best puns

 

 

 

[Sunbird she/her]

A midget psychic assaulted one of his neighbors and then went into hiding. The next day the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE."

[Mistrunner]

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

[StormyQueen she/her]

Why did Karl Marx dislike tea?

Because all proper tea was theft!

[marsoupial they/them]

Wow, jeez guys. I'm only gone for a few hours and you already have a pun thread set up. 

I'm too tired, but I'll post some of my best ones in the morning (morning for me, in about eight hours for you guys.)

[Assassin in Burgundy he/him]

Thousands of wigs were stolen from a local factory last night. Police are combing the area. 

[Sunbird she/her]

The toilet at the police station disappeared without a trace. The cops have nothing to go on.

[StormyQueen she/her]

Did you hear about the Americans winning the war against the British? I hear it was a total stamping. 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

34 minutes ago, CalypsoDreaming said:

Did you hear about the Americans winning the war against the British? I hear it was a total stamping. 

They got bangered and mashed.

[Queen Elsa Steelheart she/her]

4 hours ago, bleeder said:

Wow, jeez guys. I'm only gone for a few hours and you already have a pun thread set up. 

I'm too tired, but I'll post some of my best ones in the morning (morning for me, in about eight hours for you guys.)

But I love puns

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Have you seen Kobold's tale of Darkbinder? You should read it  

What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Dankness Ascendant

[Tariniel he/him]

You guys should all learn sign language, it's pretty handy.

[Tariniel he/him]

I knew a pun about amnesia...forgot what it was. (This is fun!)

[Assassin in Burgundy he/him]

Did you hear about the kidnapping? Don't worry, he woke up. 

[Eki]

You should all be punished.

[marsoupial they/them]

What's the difference between male cow puns and female cow puns? You can milk the latter for much longer. 

[A Secret Corner he/him]

"You might say that I'm thoroughly, in-fested. "

You can thank Light song for  that one.. but some say that it might have been ghost-spoken/written by Brandon Sanderson

An invisible man went to see a psychiatrist. When the psychiatrist's secretary told him that the man was seeking an appointment, he answered that he couldn't see him right now.

[Nashan’Elin he/him]

Are you guys writing all of these down with your pun-cils?

[Sunbird she/her]

A flock of migrating shorebirds landed in a field of marijuana to rest for a while. Before long, there was no tern left unstoned.

[marsoupial they/them]

21 minutes ago, Sunbird said:

A flock of migrating shorebirds landed in a field of marijuana to rest for a while. Before long, there was no tern left unstoned.

I don't know why but this is my favorite joke thus far. 

[Sunbird she/her]

2 hours ago, bleeder said:

I don't know why but this is my favorite joke thus far. 

Glad to know at least one person appreciates bird jokes.

Q: What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

A: BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA!

 

[marsoupial they/them]

What do you call an air-filled blood vessel that is running for President of the United States? 

A cap-Hillary.

[Jondesu he/him]

Stolen from Colin Mochrie:

Quote

Our top story today: Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack.

EDIT: Actually, I'm not entirely sure that's a pun.  Here's one I know is:

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Edited October 22, 2016 by Jondesu

[Sunbird she/her]

@Jondesu That's totally a pun. And a good one too!

What's Superman's favorite vegetable?

Kal-el-flower.

[Jondesu he/him]

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.